The Wolf

There's an old Cherokee legend about a chief teaching his grandson about life. He says,

"A fight is going on inside me. It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. 

One is evil-- he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.

The other is good-- he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. 

This same fight is going on inside you-- and inside every other person, too."
 

(in Banff in 2008)

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old chief simply replied, "The one you feed." 

Highs and Lows

Life just keeps moving, doesn't it! I thought I'd catch a break after the RNC test, but I don't see an end to my to-do list. Today I had an 8 hour nurse preceptor class. Tomorrow I get to lead a Developmental Committee meeting. Then I have to figure out car stuff, and taxes, and what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. You know, the important things.

For now, I have some wise words from Proverbs 4: 20-26...

Pay attention to what I say;
listen closely to my words.
Do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart;
for they are life to those who find them
and health to a man's whole body.
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Put away perversity from your mouth;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
Let your eyes look straight ahead,
fix your gaze directly before you.
Make level paths for your feet
and take only ways that are firm.

I passed!

I can't quite express the relief and joy I felt when, after 2 hours and 175 questions, the secretary at the testing center handed me a slip of paper saying I PASSED the RNC exam! People keep saying, "Congrats, I knew you would!" But there was a minute there, after I'd closed the test and before my paper printed out, when I felt like crying and throwing up and I was just terrified I'd have to tell everyone I didn't pass. Thankfully, that only lasted a moment due to instant grading!

How freaked out do I look in the pre-test picture?!

I am now an RNC-NIC.

Besides the obvious...

 ... here's what else I learned:

-The Cincinnati Children's Heart Hospital's website is a great way to learn the basics of congenital heart disease before learning the details from a textbook.

-Do not take an RNC review by Terese Verklan. It was a huge waste of money and I only passed my exam through my own hard work, reading 75% of the Core Curriculum textbook, and reviewing with a co-worker's notebook from Linda Juretsche's review class.

-Punnett Squares are not nearly as scary as I thought they were.

-I/T ratios and Aboslute Neutrophil Counts are actually really simple equations.

-As always, I love medical terminology. I've added plenty more fun words to my vocabulary! (Just be warned that even if it's a funny word, the definition may not be. Google search at your own risk):

anastomosis
orchipexy
insufflation
epistaxis
syncope
glosspotosis

-I am slowly re-gaining confidence in myself and this is a huge step toward realizing that I can do anything I set my mind to.

Flashcard review the night before the test

 -Finally, I am more convinced than ever that a healthy baby is truly a miracle!

Negative Thought of the Day (turned positive?)

So... the Assessment Center called and said they were already closing for the day due to snow, and would be closed tomorrow as well. So I need to reschedule my test. My first response? "Eff you, snow." (Except, not in PG language).

So I called the hospital and changed my schedule, hoping to force my way to work in the snow tomorrow and take the test Friday instead. Then I called the Assessment Center, and they can't schedule me for this Friday. But they can do Saturday, or else next Friday. Ummm no way in HECK am I waiting another week. I took Saturday morning. And then I e-mailed Brooke from BadSeed and I'm hoping to reschedule my Saturday interview and not be frowned upon. (Wait, what?! I'll explain that one later).

SO. Now I am taking my RNC test SATURDAY instead of tomorrow and I can prolong my terrible self-care and housekeeping habits for another two days. Oh boy. Earlier today, I had picked up sushi and a chick flick to occupy my evening, because studying into the night won't do me any good at this point. When they called and cancelled tomorrow's test, I ate my sushi out of protest. And bought several $1.27 songs on iTunes. Once the sushi digests, I'm going to go running and pound out my frustrations to the soundtrack of Glee and hope to God that cheers me up.

I wanted to come to my blog and rant and rave and ask what else life could possibly throw at me (which is always a dangerous question). It's been a long month. And I'm driving myself crazy and literally making myself sick with a cycle of optimism and pessimism about passing this stupid test.  But when I logged into blogger.com, I had a comment from my earlier post waiting for me:

Therese, I enjoy your blog and appreciate your dedication to your career. Having had both my children go to the NICU upon birth, I know how much your presence and reassurance means to scared parents and sick babies. Thanks for what you do. 

Cue extreme humility. Thank you, Mel, for reminding me why I'm doing this. Even if I somehow don't pass my test Saturday, the big picture is that I have learned A LOT while studying for this test. Some of the things I've learned are already affecting my patient care (and helping me impress/scare med students when I can answer a question that they can't). I needed a reminder.

And, if there's a positive side to prolonging my stress, it's that I can also prolong my studying. I was cramming in a few more subjects this morning with plans to go through my flashcards this afternoon/evening. Now I can take my time today going through the last few sections (dermatology, neurology, genitourinary) today and save the flashcards for a cozy chair at Starbucks on Friday.

For now, I'm going to go clean the kitchen. And go running. And, heck, I might as well watch that chick flick!

Positive Thought of the Day

*Face a challenge and find joy in the capacity to meet it.* 
- Ayn Rand

 

'Tis The Season

I love Advent. It's a celebration of warmth and light in a season of cold and darkness.

This Sunday marked the first Sunday of Advent and the pastor at our new church gave a great sermon on Psalm 42. We always talk about Advent of a time of waiting, but it's more than that. It's hopeful waiting. It's longing. A longing for Jesus to come save us from ourselves. I can certainly identify with this feeling.

All too often, I fall into the "if only" pattern of thinking. Ross calls me out on it a lot:

If only the weather were better...
If only I could manager my time better...
If only I were in better shape...
If only we had more money...
If only you were done with grad school...

The pastor pointed out that the "if only" pattern is futile because it implies that we're placing our hope in something besides God. Will what I'm hoping for really satisfy me?

Catholic that I am, I love communion; thankfully our non-denominational Christian church has it weekly. It's a good reminder of the only true Hope in our lives. Only in Christ are we fully known, fully accepted, and fully forgiven. And thankfully, it's not the amount of faith we have, but the Object of our faith who saves us and helps us endure our brokenness. We just need to take the first step and recognize that our unnamed longings are actually longings for a peace only God can give.

Have you found yourself futilely placing hope in the wrong place this holiday season? C.S. Lewis said, "If I find in myself desires which nothing in this earth can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world." This Advent, I'm taking a good look at my priorities and taking the time to name my longings instead of wandering to the fridge when I feel restless.

Psalm 42
 ¹ As the deer pants for streams of water,
   so my soul pants for you, my God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
   When can I go and meet with God?
³ My tears have been my food
   day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
   “Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember
   as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
   under the protection of the Mighty One^[d]
with shouts of joy and praise
   among the festive throng.

 ⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God.

 ⁶ My soul is downcast within me;
   therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
   the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
⁷ Deep calls to deep
   in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
   have swept over me.

 ⁸ By day the LORD directs his love,
   at night his song is with me—
   a prayer to the God of my life.

 ⁹ I say to God my Rock,
   “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
   oppressed by the enemy?”
¹⁰ My bones suffer mortal agony
   as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
   “Where is your God?”

 ¹¹ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God.

Gobbler Grind 1/2 Marathon

It's been almost exactly a year since my friend Emily and I set out on a 2-3 mile run/walk in Omaha. We alternated running 1 minute and walking 1 minute.  Today, we ran our first 1/2 marathon! She got into Kansas City Saturday afternoon and my parents took Emily, Ross and I went out to lunch. Then Ross peer-pressured Emily and me into going to the Upper Crust for dessert, despite the fact that we were stuffed.

Carbo-loading

Emily and I then spent the rest of the afternoon picking up race packets and driving the race course.

Timing chip: time to make history!

This morning we got to the race start, waited in line for the porta-potties, snapped a few photos, and then, without further ado, the race began.

15 minute porta-potty line

Ross and me before the race

with Dad

with Mom

We had great spectators: my mom and dad, Ross, and Emily's mom were all cheering for us out on the course. Ross was a spectator extraordinaire, popping up in random places with his big smile and his purple TCU shirt (Emily and I are both Horned Frog alumni).

Nervous! I like how we each have one earbud in, too.

 

During the first 5k

The weather report kept changing the week before the race, but we ended up having great weather! 50-60 degrees and cloudy, but no rain. The only thing that could've been better was if the wind wasn't blowing at 15-20mph. But most of the time we were between enough tree cover it didn't matter. It did matter, though, between miles 6-8 when we were running uphill into a headwind.

Emily looking good after mile 6, when the uphills and headwind began

Happy to see Ross at the halfway point!

I took Cliff Shots around mile 4, mile 7.5, and mile 10. And I'm so glad I brought my water bottle because the water stops were few and far between. Mile 3-4 was rough for me because that's when we left the spectators and got on the trail. Reality sank in and I felt a little overwhelmed. It was so great to see Ross around mile 6.5 because I knew I was halfway done and I also needed a little boost headed into what I knew would be a tough few miles. It really wasn't that bad, though, because Ross kept popping up every 0.5-1 miles between miles 6.5 and 9. It made the time pass quickly.

Emily booking it.

Me finally headed into the downhill/tailwind portion!

When I hit mile 10, I felt pretty good and started to speed up. Some great songs came up on my iPod shuffle and the end was near. I may have sped up a little too soon, because by mile 11 my quads were complaining and my legs were getting pretty tired. I took it easy for 5 minutes and then started to psych myself up again.  

Then at mile 11.8, I just lost all my wind. A runner had collapsed and the paramedics were doing CPR. Chest compressions and everything. I wanted to throw up, cry, hyperventilate, and quit. I felt so superficial for worrying about my finish time and I just wanted to go find that man's family. I think the entire "pack" I was kind of running in felt the same way. Suddenly lots of people were walking.

But that last mile I realized the only way I could stop running was just push through to the end, so I did.

Emily's awesome finish

My finish. Sort of. Apparently I quit running at the marathon finish and not the half marathon finish. Lame.

I had a hard time pushing myself after seeing someone needing CPR and somehow, even though I only finished 2 hours ago, that's my most vivid memory from the race. When I did finish, everyone was congratulating me and was so excited and I just broke down. Not because I was so happy to be done or so overwhelmed with our accomplishment, but because it's all I had wanted to do since seeing that runner on the ground surrounded by paramedics.

I realize I have no control over that man's fate, and I'm not sure what the outcome was. All I can do right now is be so thankful that I am surrounded by such selfless people (standing outside for 2 1/2 hours on a cloudy, windy November morning is not most people's idea of a good time). Mom, Dad, Ross: I can't emphasize enough how thankful I am that you were there to cheer me on and I know that whatever I do, you'll be there to support me. I hope I am able to return the favor! And Emily, WE DID IT!

13.1 miles- conquered!

I Know the Way You can Get

I know the way you can get
When you have not had a drink of Love:
Your face hardens,
Your sweet muscles cramp.

Children become concerned
About a strange look that appears in your eyes
Which even begins to worry your own mirror
And nose.

Squirrels and birds sense your sadness
And call an important conference in a tall tree.
They decide which secret code to chant
To help your mind and soul.

Even angels fear that brand of madness
That arrays itself against the world
And throws sharp stones and spears into
The innocent
And into one's self.

Oh I know the way you can get
If you have not been drinking Love:
You might rip apart
Every sentence your friends and teachers say,
Looking for hidden clauses.

You might weigh every word on a scale
Like a dead fish.

You might pull out a ruler to measure
From every angle in your darkness
The beautiful dimensions of a heart you once
Trusted.

I know the way you can get
If you have not had a drink from Love's
Hands.

That is why all the Great Ones speak of
The vital need
To keep remembering God,

So you will come to know and see Him
As being so Playful
And Wanting,
Just Wanting to help.

That is why Hafiz says:
Bring your cup near me.
For all I care about
Is quenching your thirst for freedom!

All a Sane man can ever care about
Is giving Love!

From: "I Heard God Laughing - Renderings of Hafiz"
Translated by Daniel Ladinsky


Do you ever forget you're loved? I know I do. But even when I'm unlovable to anyone on Earth, it's reassuring to know that I serve a God who loves every fiber of my being even though I don't deserve it. And out of appreciation for that love, I can only extend it outward and forward and let those around me know that I love them.

What Running Means to Me

(Or, why I'm not running the Cowtown Marathon in February).

What running is:

1.) An antidepressant.

2.) An encouragement. This is not to say that I expect to feel wonderful before, during, and after every run, but the good runs should at least outweigh the bad.

3.) A stress-reliever.

4.) Motivation. At age 25, I'm still young enough to strive for improved times and distances. Running is an activity that drives me toward new personal bests. Training for a race can help me push myself and realize that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. Like I said, not every run is great, but every time I safely push myself through a bad run, I grow a little stronger mentally and physically.

5.) A reminder to exercise moderation in all things.

6.) A way for me to find a "new normal" that's more healthy and balanced than I have been in the past.

7.) Fun! A race, when you're adequately prepared, is a great celebration of training and hard work.

What running is not:

1.) Punishment. 

2.) A way to "make up" for eating too much the day before.

3.) An "excuse" to binge eat afterward.

4.) Another stressor.

5.) A way to measure myself against anyone else, for better or for worse.

For today's run, I had this quote in mind courtesy of Dale Carnegie: 

 

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. 
If you want to conquer fear, 
do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”

Last night, I had a really stressful dream in which I kept encountering hurdles that kept me from going on my 13 mile run today. But I did not sleep through my 7am alarm, I did not eat a 5 course breakfast, and there was no snow on the ground (thank goodness)! All of these things happened in my dream, but I woke up feeling okay and the weather was beautiful. I read that quote and realized I just needed to get out and do the darn thing, and I'd feel better about it.

13.1 miles later. (The layers are for my ice bath, not my run in the 60 degree sun!)

That ended up only being part way true. This was a long long run, mentally and physically. I don't doubt that I can finish the Gobbler Grind half marathon in 13 days, but I do have doubts that it's going to be an awesome celebration of my training like my 10k was in September. 

I've really only had 4 "long" runs (over 5 miles) since the 10k: an 8-miler, a 10-miler, a 12-miler, and today's 13.1 miles. I would say that's irresponsible of me, but for the most part my lack of long runs is not due to me just being lazy. Depending on the week, I've been out-of-town, almost-injured, moving, and dealing with asthma. 

I don't mean to list these as excuses, and I really don't see them as such. Since my goal in becoming a runner is to create a healthy, life-long habit, I have to accept that I'm not always going to run exactly what's on my training plan. In fact, given the circumstances, I'm pretty proud of myself! I have increased my weekly mileage slowly and steadily. I know I'm not over-training. Yet I don't sleep well at night, I don't recover quickly, and I feel like I'm getting slower. I don't know if it's the weather, the new apartment, or what, but my asthma has been getting worse again and it's time to pay a visit to the doctor and figure out what's going on.

I really didn't mean for this to be another self-indulgent post. I guess typing this out helps me organize my thoughts, though. Today's run was only 1 mile longer than last week's long run, but it took me 20 more minutes to finish! That's actually not bad considering I had to resort to a run 5 minutes/walk 5 minutes the last 5 miles because I couldn't catch my breath.

I still plan on running 26 miles to celebrate my 26th birthday! The race will probably just be closer to home and closer to my actual birthday. I need a few good months of healthy running before launching into a marathon training plan.


Something for me to think about: There once was a man who cried because he had no shoes, until he met a man who had no feet. 

Autocognition, Subliminal Messages, and Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.

 

I've been thinking a lot lately... about how I think. I haven't posted in a few days because my mom taught me, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Obviously, I don't follow this rule most of the time. But I posted a quote the other day that said, "Change it or let it go. Complaining is a waste of energy" and I'm really trying to listen. I cannot control other people. I cannot control the weather or time's inevitable march into a colder, darker month. I cannot control the nonsensical layout of our new apartment's kitchen. Do I really need to whine about it and put another negative thought out there in the world?

There is some merit to "getting things off your shoulders," but where's the line between commiserating and straight out making other people miserable with my incessant whining? On the other hand, simply trying to, not complain out loud isn't doing me much good either. After all, who wants to be the silent person sulking in the corner? They may not be moaning and groaning, but you can tell they're not happy. (Why am I saying "they"? This has been me more often than not. I apologize to those of you who have witnessed this.) 

I think something more fundamental has to change. Once I've dug myself deep into the trenches of negative thinking, it's too late. Even if I hold it all in and remain silent, it's going to seep out around the edges. An individual's thought process is a messy place, but there are some messages that play over and over again, once we start to pay attention to them.

My thought reel looks something like this: "I'm so tired, I don't get enough sleep, I hate work, I need to take better care of myself, I think about myself too much, I love working out and eating right, I am too hard on my body, I don't push myself enough, I eat way too much, I don't fuel properly for longer runs, it takes me forever to recover from a hard workout, I'm not meant to be fast, I get bored too easily, I quit too easily, I'm too hard on myself..."

Just typing those out allows me to see the extremes I can sometimes think in. From the vocabulary (never, forever, way, too, don't, hate) to the actual messages I'm sending myself, (yes/no, do/don't, will/won't) I'm setting myself up for failure.

I even label myself. Depending who I'm with, I see myself as the messy one, the flaky one, the dumb one, the whiny one, the fake one, the self-absorbed one. Very few times in my life have I felt like the smart one, the pretty one, the gentle one, the genuine one. And usually when I do feel like that, it's a reflection of who I'm with more than anything. I want that to change. 

I want to be the kind of person you interact with and it improves your day. You know those people. The people who leave you feeling better about yourself than you did before they came by. These people are not self-serving and don't draw attention to themselves, but there's a magnetic pull toward them. People want to be around them. (Now as I type this, I'm wondering if the fact that I want to be this type of person precludes me from actually becoming this selfless person?)

My dad used to tell me that enough people in the world would say bad things about me that I shouldn't waste time saying bad things about myself. Then he'd stand up and try to make me say, "I'm smart, I'm good-looking, and gosh darn it, people like me!" I'd giggle and blow him off as my corny dad, but it turns out he's right.

I'm not saying mind over matter works all of the time. And I'm not claiming to actually have control over anything in my life. I'm simply going to try to think less negatively more positively from one minute to the next.  What are your thoughts? Any help would help! How do you balance humility vs. self-depreciation?

 

"If you keep on saying things are going to be bad, you have a good chance of becoming a prophet." -Isaac Bashevis Singer, Yiddish-American writer (1904-1991)

Your Life is Now

**Please excuse what I'm sure will be an excessively verbose post written in a haze of 

post-run euphoria. Read at your own risk.**

I really needed today's run! I felt a little guilty leaving the last bit of heavy furniture moving to Ross and my cousins to go run for 2 hours, but I really wanted to run, felt good enough to run, had perfect running weather, and needed to catch up on my training plan.

I only ran 12 miles total last week and ran that same amount all at once today. However, I am realistic enough to suspect that last week's unplanned "taper" certainly attributed to my mental and physical ability to run today. (And 5 days of Prednisone to calm my asthma back down certainly didn't hurt).

My legs were not extremely fond of me when I woke up this morning, thanks to all the stairs we did while moving yesterday, but I took it as a good sign that I was still chomping at the bit to run. Actually wanting to run has been a struggle for me lately.

I decided to run from the apartment to the Plaza. I knew the route and wouldn't have to second-guess trails ending, unknown elevation, etc. There were definitely rolling hills (my Garmin says about 1200 feet of total elevation change each way) and traffic, but I got out early enough to beat most of the traffic, at least.

The first 1.5 miles flew by (I don't know if I've ever said that in my life) and it felt so good to run without wheezing! I was just focused on getting to 4 miles (to take my Cliff Shot) and not thinking beyond that, lest I get overwhelmed. I had a great playlist of songs from high school, which helped a lot. I walked 1 minute for every 5 minutes of running, per usual, although it seems like every other 'walk' break actually involved me standing still and stretching my legs out.

I took that first Shot and was loving the sunshine and beautiful weather by mile 4. My hands were numb from cold, but that was my only complaint. I made it to the Plaza and did get a little overwhelmed when I turned around, realizing that was the farthest away I could possibly be and if I had to quit or walk, it'd be a LONG morning from there. Miles 6-8 were kind of rough, especially because traffic was getting worse and I was on a stretch with no shoulder or sidewalk (really, Kansas City? Be more pedestrian friendly.) I kept changing my stride to keep my legs warm and chugging along.

I took my second Shot right after mile 8 and definitely needed it. My legs were getting tired. I also wanted some more water then, too, but had to ration. (I was carrying a water bottle as I ran. I'm so glad I had it and it's an easy bottle to carry, but now my arms are sore. Lame!)

Shortly after that, I was cruising into familiar territory again and I knew I had a nice neighborhood and a downhill to end with. But first I had to climb back up into the neighborhood. Mile 11 was definitely the hardest. My legs were getting really stiff and heavy, and oddly getting cold which didn't help the stiffness. I got a pain behind my right knee and started to get worried.

Thankfully, John Mellencamp's "Your Life is Now" came on and energized me.

...This is your time, to do what you will do

Your life is now

Your life is now

Your life is now

In this undiscovered moment

Lift your head up above the crowd

We could shake this world

If you would only show us how

Your life is now...

I have been getting overwhelmed thinking about marathon mileage and training, and doubting weather I want to do it anymore. But this song reminded me, "if not now, when?!" It's something I've wanted to do for so long, and I'm slowly starting to think I CAN actually do it. (At least, a half seems totally attainable. Even doable in 2 hours and 30 minutes which is my goal!)

That song was just what I needed to dig deep, speed up a little, and finish strong! I'm so thankful that my breathing was pretty comfortable during today's run. That allowed me to just focus on my form and avoid further injury. I know I'm cutting it close with a busy week of work coming up and a few more long runs before I taper my half marathon, which is in *GULP* twenty-one days! I'm hoping today's run was a good step in the right direction!

The Lucky Ones

*Change it or let it go. Complaining is a waste of energy.*

I heard someone say this recently and I've been thinking about it a lot. I had a little pity party the other day, but I did indeed snap out of it. I know my mood was more related to all the cloudy days and humid weather we've been having rather than the fact that I actually have a life worth complaining about.

It usually takes a good but busy day at work to give me perspective. I may whine a little (okay, a lot. It's a problem.) about working 14 hour days from time to time, but at least I get to leave. I get to go home to a quiet house and forget about the hospital for a while. I cannot fathom sitting by my own child's bed, relinquishing every bit of parental instinct and control, for over 100 days. When I see a mom who is able to invest that much time, that much love, into her perfectly imperfect child, it breaks my heart. Every time mom tears up, I find myself doing the same.

Some days the NICU overwhelms me (as does projectile vomit) and I wish I could tell mothers everywhere: you think you have it bad? Pick a random baby in the NICU and I guarantee they have it so much worse. (But please feel free to remind me I said this in a few years when I'm awake at 3am with a fussy baby of my own).
 
There is no greater love than to give your life to another. I was so honored to see this love in action today. Please, if you have a little one at home, no matter how long your day (or night) may be, thank God that you're at home and not in a cold, loud hospital trying to sleep on a pull-out bed. (And if you are, my prayers are with you).

I will admit I am often jaded: how is it "fair" that one irresponsible mom can have a perfectly healthy pregnancy and delivery, while a perfectly healthy mom can go to a happy prenatal ultrasound one day and receive news that will forever turn her world upside-down? (Disclaimer: I also absolutely witness bad choices during pregnancy harming the baby and healthy choices during pregnancy leading to amazing outcomes. But other times there's no rhyme or reason, and it scares the crap out of me!)

However, I left work today grateful for 3 things:
1) That I am able to leave work, the hospital, and the drama behind me for a few hours.
2) The ability to witness the strength of the human spirit and our ability to place our cares on a greater God when we literally cannot carry them another day.
3) A deep and profound appreciation for my own health and my own life. 

I hope you find something to be thankful for tonight as well! 

From 1 Minute to 10 Miles

*Don’t wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, 

you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.*  

-Mark Victor Hansen

Last Friday I completed my first double-digit run since high school. And only the 2nd or 3rd in my entire life! I ran on the trail along the lake in Chicago and I'm thankful I had Navy Pier to distract me for the first third of my run. It seems that the most daunting part of a long run is the first few miles. When you've been running for 5 minutes, realizing oh man I have 9.5 miles to go... is not the most encouraging thought.

So I turned my thoughts to other things. I was alternately excited, worried, zoned-out, questioning my sanity, and euphoric.  "Excited" and "euphoric" were in short supply and really only filtered through my mind the first 5 minutes and the last 5 minutes of the run. The rest of it was, to be honest, uncomfortable. I was running s l o w l y so the miles seemed to be taking forever to tick by. The wind off the lake was chilly and my legs got stiff and sore pretty quickly.

I started to wonder why I was running a marathon. My mileage only goes up from here. My first official half marathon is one month away and that seemed scary enough. But, by the end of the run, I suddenly felt great and capable of anything... including 13.1 miles!

I finished my run at the Buckingham Fountain and the glitter off the bricks added to my euphoria. I couldn't help but smile. Gosh darn it, I'd just run 10 miles!

As I finished my run, I discovered another love song that now applies to running. "White Flag" by Dido came up on my iPod and it was a great song to finish with:

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

(I keep putting random playlists on my iPod and when I reach a song like this that gives me more energy, I move it to a marathon playlist. I'm hoping that listening to all the songs I've loved and that have improved my runs during training will help with nerves on race day.)

I didn't quit. I ran 10 miles! I'd say "if I can do it, anyone can," but I hate it when other people say that. Instead I'll say this: If you are reading this and you want to be a runner but you're afraid you can't do it, try. And then a few days later, try again. You'll never know until you try. 

A year ago, I had just traded my friends, my amazing workplace, and a city I loved for night shift at a new hospital and a long, dark, cold winter. I felt like I had no control over anything in my life, so I started running. One minute at a time. 

I'd run one minute and then walk for 2 minutes. It took the full 2 minutes for my wheezing to stop and allow me to catch my breath. I'd do this for 20-30 minutes and call it a day. After a week or two, I decreased my walking so I was running 1 minute and walking 1 minute. Once that was comfortable, I upped my running to 2 minutes and continued to walk 1 minute. I worked up to 3, 4, and 5 minute intervals. Each week I started a new interval, you can bet I was staring at my watch waiting for the moment I could walk again!

It took me 7 months to run 3 miles without stopping, and 8-9 months to increase the mileage of my thrice weekly runs above 3 miles at a time. I still have some really bad workouts. I continue to struggle with motivation, the occasional aches and pains, and proper fueling. But I'm SO GLAD I started running.  When you have a good run, there's no better feeling in the world!

Just What I Needed

After all that talk yesterday, I fell asleep on the couch instead of going out for a run beneath the brilliant blue fall sky. But I was so tired mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Today I told myself that I'd go out for a few miles, focus on my posture, and run how I felt. Apparently I felt like my tail was on fire. I ran the second mile in 9 minutes and 22 seconds! The song that made the difference between mile 1 and mile 2? Beautiful by Christina Aguilera (don't judge!)

Yesterday I really needed a nap. Today I really needed a run. Sometimes I talk about running toward something or away from something. Today I was definitely running away from something. I was running away from the guilt of not running the miles I should have this week. Guilt from not volunteering to work overtime when the NICU admitted triplets and two other babies last night (will our census ever normalize?!). Guilt from not being the perfect housewife and keeping our apartment clean all the time.

A good run usually involves good music, good thinking time, or all the stars aligning to obtain that elusive runner's high. Today's run involved good music and led to good internal dialogue:

You have no self control. You ate too much cookie dough yesterday and too much pumpkin bar batter today.

You are beautiful.

You're eating like you've been running all week, but you haven't earned it.

You are beautiful.

You are so unproductive on your days off.

You are beautiful.

You are such a hypochondriac when you get any little ache or pain.

You are beautiful.

I am not sure where I first heard this, but when you're talking badly to yourself, you're supposed to imagine saying that same thing to a child. Would you say it to your 5 year old self? No? Then why on earth are you saying it to your 25 year old self? 

I really regret getting so down on myself in high school and college. I was doing the best I could at the time and beating myself up all the time didn't help matters. Likewise, I know that in 5 years I'll look back and be so sad at the way I talk to myself some days. I love how the Desiderata puts it: Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

My name is Therese. I love to bake and lick the bowl afterward. I like to run slow and pretend I'm fast. I like to write things out to clarify them, even if no one else reads it. I like to lay in bed reading Harry Potter while my awesome husbands makes pancakes. I like to take care of the tiniest human beings, even though the "work" part of my job overwhelms me sometimes. I am beautiful.

Not all Runs are Good

Today's run managed to NOT be an epic fail for one reason and one reason only: I finished the 6.2 miles I set out to do.  I did not finish fast, even though there were fewer hills than I'm used to.  My legs did not feel good afterward, even though I hadn't run since last Wednesday. My water break was more helpful than hurtful, since it gave me a sidestitch for the last 2 miles.

I could attribute it to the fact that I haven't been eating well lately. Lots of unhealthy treats (are they still treats when you eat multiple ones in place of healthier food at meal times?) and not enough vegetables.

I could blame the fact that Ross and I are housesitting/babysitting so I'm not sleeping in my own bed, eating my own food, or living in my relatively allergen-free apartment. When I wake up with sore knees, hips, back, and shoulders, I know the mattress I've been sleeping on is too hard. Starting a run with aching joints is not encouraging.

I forgot to get my allergy shot last week (September is flying by!) and I need to refill my Sudafed. The 80+ degree sunshine and what felt like 80% humidity was a killer icing on top of this allergen-crazy-house + absence-of-allergy-shot-and-asthma-medicine cake. (I also forgot my Xopenex inhaler, which could have helped pre-run).

I felt GREAT the first two miles, pushed through to three, and then basically fell apart. My pace went from 10-minute miles to 12-minute miles. My hips and knees were complaining. I would've carried a scythe if it would have cut through the humidity and allowed me to breathe easier.

But I came home and took an ice bath.

+

And then a long, hot shower.

I was tempted to call it a bad run and make 1,000 excuses, but:

a) not all runs are amazing. That's the nature of the beast.

b) A year ago, I could barely run 2 miles in run-2-minute, walk-2-minute intervals, so this run is still a success. It's the longest I've run since senior year of high school and I'm proud of that fact! I always considered myself a runner, even during my years-long lapse in running, but now I'm proving it to myself again. (What does that say about me? Hopelessly optimistic or naively ignorant?)

c) Running is a surprisingly equal-opportunity sport. The only person you can fairly compete with is yourself. And despite my whining and grumbling, this run was actually (shockingly) only a minute slower than my goal of 70 minutes. I just need to even out my pace a bit for next week's run.

I'm running my first official 10k next Sunday and I'm so excited! Each long run makes my marathon dream more real. I've started and stopped marathon training twice. Once was in college when I was going to run the Dallas White Rock Marathon with Team in Training. (Hence the shirt I'm wearing in today's picture). I feel really bad about this one because I raised all the money I needed to (thanks to generous friends and family) but about a month into it, I got shingles and a month after that, I got viral pharyngitis. My doctor said no marathon. Something (nursing school, no doubt) was messing with my immune system and stressing my body more would make it worse.

The second attempt was last summer. Ross and I were really getting into it and suffering through long, hot runs after work (it helped that I got out of work earlier in Texas. It also helped that we had a trail system in our backyard). But then we found out we were moving the same weekend as the marathon I'd signed up for and I quit. I could've kept running, but I didn't. This year, I did. I ran through night shift, I ran through terrible heat waves, I'm running through hills since I don't have a gym membership, and I'm oddly looking forward to running through cold and snow (please feel free to remind me of this when I complain later).

And this year, one bad run isn't going to get the best of me!

Something to think about: Need motivation? Check out this video that's gone viral lately: All you have to do, is do it.

Inspiration Board

Growing up, August always meant back-to-school shopping and browsing through catalogs at all the knit sweaters, plaid skirts, and warm tights. Every school year was a clean slate. Well, we're already into September (how did that happen?!) but I still think fall is a chance to start fresh.

Even though I'm no longer in school, I really needed to do something about my mindset. You see, I love fall. But fall means winter is coming. I do love parts of winter: the silence of the first snow, cozy sweaters, lots of hot chocolate and hot tea, sitting in front of the fireplace at my parent's house... but it all gets old after a month or so. I'm dreading going out to my car in the sub-freezing temperatures to go to work. I'm dreading hiking to my car in the dark after a long day and having to scrape the windshields. My little car doesn't handle icy roads well, and neither do I. Come January, I'm ready for SUNSHINE and WARMTH.

Inspired by another blogger, I decided to make an inspiration board of things to work towards in the next 6 months. You see, it's only September. I'm getting too far ahead of myself. And I have a lot to look forward to this winter. Like Gina said, "Fall is the perfect time of year to re-evaluate your goals and see where your priorities lie before the year ends."



Here's a look back at my 2010 Resolutions:

1) Pray daily with Ross again 
FAIL. But there's no time like the present to renew a resolution.

2) Find a church 
I think we've decided on Redeemer Fellowship. Now we just need to become regular attendees. It's taken me a long time to realize we will not find a carbon copy of our Ft. Worth church in the middle of Kansas, as ideal as that would have been.

3) Stick to a budget and use cash for most day-to-day purchases 
Most months, this is a success. Traveling a lot (and using 2 days of PTO) messed this up a bit in July and August, but for the most part we're doing well and even putting money into savings every month.

4) Make friends in my new city
This is taking so much longer than I'd hoped, but I'm finally starting to get out more.

5) Do yoga once (or more) a week while training for the Cowtown Marathon in February 2011
Yoga is not financially viable year-round right now, but I have been consistently training for a 10k this month, a 1/2 marathon in November, and the marathon in February. Come November, I'm excited to work Bikram Yoga into my training schedule again.

6) Eat at least one serving of fruits or vegetables at every meal
This has definitely improved in the past year, thanks in part to healthy living blogs I've started reading. It's good to see other active young women with a balanced mindset toward food. Also, the CSA has been a great source of local vegetables and new flavors. This summer I started to aim for 5+ servings of produce a day, but even on my lazy/low-grocery days, 3 servings is pretty standard.

7) Laugh more
I'm starting to smile more (some days it's fake it 'til you make it) and I'd like to think I'm more pleasant on a day-to-day basis, although I've noticed that my mood can be directly related to how tired I am.

8) Read more
I'm ashamed to admit that I read the Twilight series in 5 days this spring and I read all 16 books of the Stephanie Plum Series this summer. It takes me no time flat to read guilty-pleasure books. Now I've moved on to The Autobiography of Saint Therese of Lisieux: The Story of a Soul (the saint I was named after) and The Happiness Project (which was actually written by a Kansas City native).

9) Cook more
Given the fact that I've posted enough recipes here to justify a recipe page, I think it's safe to say I'm cooking more! 

10) Play more
Still a work in progress. I need to spend less time on the computer and more time enjoying the sunshine while it's still here.

Here's what I want to/plan to do in the next six months (that's from the beginning of September through the end of February):

1) Run a 10k, half marathon, and marathon (in case I haven't said that enough)!

2) Buy a 3 month Bikram pass this November and go at least once a week.

3) Cross-train/lift weights twice a week.

4) Continue to eat as locally as I can, even as the CSA dwindles and I rely more on frozen organic veggies and less on fresh produce. (This includes the more specific goal of taking Ross to Nebraska City this fall to pick apples, stock up on apple butter and homemade jam, and enjoying the local, seasonal bounty and the essence of being outdoors in the fall.)

5) Spend more time thanking God for the life he has given me, and loving God as much as my little heart is capable of.

6) Spend less time on the computer, get outside more, and sleep better.

7) Start saving more money for a new car (hopefully it lasts more than 6 more months, but it's time to start saving more in anticipation).

8) Attain my RNC certification. I'm taking a 3-day study course in October and plan to take the computerized test before December 15 (the day I graduated from nursing school in 2007).

I have a few other exciting goals for the next 2 years, but those are for another inspiration board another day!

If you read this far, thank you. I'd love to hear YOUR goals for the next 6 months as well! To quote Gina again, "Things don’t happen by accident- they’re always the result of hard work and the most meaningful goals are the ones that are not-so-easy to attain."

Change the way you see, not the way you look

If you watch Oprah or Good Morning America, you may have already heard about Operation Beautiful this summer. I heard about it because the author, Caitlin Boyle, also writes one of my favorite blogs: Healthy Tipping Point. In honor of her book being published, she dedicated a week of blogging to discussing how women need to change the way they see themselves, instead of focusing so much on hating the way they look.

Spring Break 2006

It's almost embarrassing to talk about this, because I'm 25 and married. I have a good job and a good life. Yet put me in front of the mirror for too long and I'll go crazy. Most days, I don't wear makeup. Some people would mistakenly think I make that choice because I'm so comfortable in my own skin. In fact, it's because when I really try to do my makeup and hair for a special occasion, it never turns out the way I had hoped. I get discouraged and end up feeling less attractive than I did before putting effort into my appearance.

I am slowly learning to see the merit in dressing up and feeling better about myself (a 'fake it 'til you make it' approach). But most days you'll either find me in my scrubs, workout clothes, or sweats with no makeup, and my hair in a ponytail.

Amarillo 2007

I'm big on negative self-talk. It's a habit I've been trying to break ever since I started reading positive blogs like Caitlin's, but it's a long process. It doesn't help when I work with all women. As a group, we are catty. We gossip. Not only are we not supportive of each other as often as we should be, but we're often not supportive of ourselves.  It breaks my heart when I see a friend struggling, yet I think nothing of beating myself up for my supposed flaws. I'm an intelligent woman. I know this doesn't make sense. But how can it stop?

Part of my answer is seeing that other women have moved beyond it. Many of the blogs I list as my favorites are more than just food blogs. These are women my age writing about being healthy in the real world-- physically and MENTALLY. They are not diet blogs. These bloggers bake amazing cookies with real butter. They train for and run ultra-marathons in addition to working full-time jobs. They publish books at the age of 26. It's amazing what you can accomplish when your mind and body work together instead of against each other.

Colorado 2009

I took a picture of my own Operation Beautiful note this morning and actually thought, "maybe I should put makeup on to cover this huge pimple on my forehead and the circles under my eyes. I look gross." But then I caught myself in the middle of negative self-talk! Ashamed, I took the picture and walked away.

Ross didn't know this was my handwriting. Boys.

Afterward, I went to my friend Tiffany's apartment to do a ballet DVD. She's the one who got me into ballet back in 3rd grade! We talked and worked out for 30 minutes. Good for the body and the heart.

Early in the afternoon, I took cupcakes to work to say goodbye to my primary and my associate patient. (They both went home on the same day. Work will be sad for a little while.)  I bought a treat for myself, too, and enjoyed it with relish!

Chocolate! Picture courtesy of Dolce Baking Company's website.

Then I went to Lawrence with Ross and hung out at a coffee shop while he went to his first grad school class of the semester. We went to dinner at The Local Burger and grocery shopping at The Merc. It was the most time we'd spent together in a long time, between me traveling and our opposite work schedules. We had fun talking about nothing and everything.

This evening, I was running on the treadmill and it faces a mirror. I could have been thinking, "eww that jiggles" or, "maybe I shouldn't wear spandex this tight." Instead, I only 'allowed' myself to think positive things like, "it's awesome that you actually went running after putting it off all day!" And "look how strong your legs have gotten." Corny as that is, it actually did cheer me up!

There are a few posts from "Change the Way You See, Not the Way You Look" week that really resonated with me.  One was by a mom named Sarah who is raising two little girls. She says she actually wanted to have girls in hopes of raising "confident, strong, and secure girls since I never was myself." She has a few ideas about how to do this, and I recognize these as things my own mom did as well: Value girls for who they are instead of what the look like. Don't talk about other people's bodies. Lead by example. Sarah says,

Somewhere along the way in my first few years of parenting girls, my own confidence grew and my acting became believing.  I thought about how I would feel if my girls scrutinized themselves they way I had.  I looked at their rounded bellies, their full cheeks and chins and their dimply thighs and imagined what I would tell them if they agonized over these “flaws.”  Most of all though, I worried about how I could teach them about valuing themselves and valuing others beyond what they saw in the mirror, if I wasn’t willing to give that gift to myself.

She ends her amazing post by asking, if you could write an Operation Beautiful note to your teenage self, what would you say?  I thought about it, and there are thousands of things I'd like to warn myself about. But considering that most of high school I was very preoccupied with my body, I think the message that would stick the most is, "being skinny won't make you happy. But being happy will make you feel beautiful!"

High school friends the summer we graduated

Looking back, the pictures I love most are those in which I'm happy, regardless of where I was in my body struggles at the time.  I've been relatively the same size for about 7 years now, but that can look very different (to me at least) from one picture to the next. The genuine smiles and glowing cheeks are what make the pictures look good or bad.  With this in mind, I actually like the pictures of me from my recent trip to Texas. I was having fun and I was in a comfortable environment. BLISS. (I'm convinced this is why kids can't take bad pictures. They're always so happy!)

Avery and me at Central Market

On the other hand, it's really hard to like what you see in the mirror when you know you haven't been nice to your body. Most recently, I hated how I looked on night shift. I was always puffy and tired. I ate anything and everything at work just to stay awake. Junk food at 3am makes you feel better briefly, but it makes you feel so much worse in the long run. Especially when it becomes a regular occurrence. Yes, I was working out during this time, but I was unhappy, unhealthy overall, and overtired.

A blogger named Emilie also recognizes this connection.  In her post, she says,

It's wonderful to be positive and to tell women:  "You are beautiful just they way you are."  And I love the sentiment behind Operation Beautiful, but Caitlin's mission, I think, is even more rich than that.  Some women look at themselves in the mirror and don't like what they see no matter what they see, and Caitlin is striving to teach women not to be so hard on themselves.  But for a lot of women, and this was true for me, the negative self image is connected to the knowledge that there needed to be some lifestyle changes.  I didn't like how I looked at all a few years ago, when I also knew that I needed to get myself in shape and start making healthier choices.  Now I'm pretty satisfied because what I see in the mirror, while by no means perfect, is coupled with my knowledge that I'm eating healthy and exercising regularly. 

This definitely clicked with me. I feel better about myself now that I'm running than I did 8 months ago, even though I haven't really lost weight. There have been several points in my life when my negative self image is connected to the knowledge that I need to make some lifestyle changes. It was impossible (and it almost felt hypocritical) for me to look in the mirror this last winter and think, you're perfect the way you are. I knew things needed to change. In junior high, my mom gave me a Christian book about inner beauty and one of the things that has stuck with me is that God can say, I love you just the way you are, and I love you too much to let you stay the way you are. We need to learn to tell ourselves the same thing sometimes.

Florida Keys 2009

The third post that really stood out to me was by an awesome girl named Angela. Her blog is positive, uplifting, and real. She's so good at putting things into words. I read her writing and think it's like she read my mind! She's a few steps ahead of me on the self-acceptance thing, though. Her post was on the idea of a 'happy weight.'  She says,

I always told myself in 10 pounds, I would finally be happy. All I had to do was lose 10 pounds and achieve ‘x’ weight and my life would fall into place. In 10 pounds, I could eat normally, binges would stop, and I could stop hating myself. All I had to do was lose 10 pounds and my problems would be solved. I would love myself in 10 pounds….but not yet.

Sound familiar? I recognize a lot of myself in this attitude, and I'm slowly coming to terms with it. When you think about it, isn't it obvious that when you allow an extrinsic factor to determine your happiness, you will never be happy?! In the end, Angela knows she's at her 'happy weight' now, but she doesn't know what that actual number is. And that's okay.

Here's her Operation Beautiful note:

There's a quote from the book Eat, Pray, Love that I highlighted a while ago (I'd also like to say I fell in love with the book when the movie was just a twinkle in Elizabeth Gilbert's eye). Gilbert is journaling as her life falls apart around her and says,

This is what I find myself writing to myself on the page: I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long. I will stay with you…There is nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.

Tonight, this strange interior gesture of friendship- the lending of a hand from me to myself- reminds me of something that happened to me in New York City. I walked into an office building and dashed into the elevator. As I rushed in, I caught an unexpected glimpse of myself in the mirror. In that moment my brain did an odd thing- it fired off this split-second message: ‘Hey! You know her! That’s a friend of yours!' And I actually ran forward toward my own reflection with a smile, ready to welcome that girl whose name I had lost but whose face was so familiar. In a flash instant, of course, I realized my mistake and laughed in embarrassment at my almost doglike confusion over how a mirror works. But for some reason that incident comes to mind again tonight during my sadness in Rome and I find myself writing this comforting reminder at the bottom of the page: Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.”

Amarillo 2007

Some of the things I say to myself, I would never dream of saying out loud to a friend I loved. It would hurt their feelings and damage our friendship. (More to the point, I have never even thought these things about my friends because physical appearance is not what makes me love them.) So why on earth do I continue to say these things to myself? When it comes to broken hearts, I have no one to blame but myself. Treating myself with kindness should be the rule, not the exception.

Canada 2008

Finally, about my own Operation Beautiful note. The Serenity Prayer is wonderful because it's so applicable to so many situations:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

Friends at my bachelorette party in 2008

I CAN do my part to reach out and make friends. I can train for a marathon and fuel my body with real food. I cannot change my weak chin or crooked nose. But with time and practice (and certainly a generous amount of gentle forgiveness) I can learn to accept those things the way they are. I can't change the way I look, but I can change the way I see.

Wedding day 2008