When I look back on the past 5 years, I think spring has been such a hopeful time for me. Two of the past 5 springs, I've been visibly pregnant and anticipating adding a new addition to our family. And two of the past 5 springs have found me blinking bleary-eyed at the sun through sleep-deprived eyes, desperate for fresh air and refreshment after a winter filled with sickness and sleeplessness.
I think there's a fine line between being a masochist and being a mother. Motherhood is sanctifying. It's self-sacrificing. I know this, yet I also find myself pulling back and asking how much is too much? "Will is cost me this, too? Should it?"
God promises rest to the weary, but he doesn't promise a baby who sleeps through the night. I intentionally didn't pray for a "good sleeper" when I was pregnant with Rosie. In part, because I thought that dealing with the tongue tie, breastfeeding issues, and food intolerances early on would naturally fix some of the problem. But also, I prayed for sleep for a long time with Noah. A long time. God answered in the sense that, yes, between 18 months and 2.5 years, Noah was at long last a phenomenal sleeper. But I was in a pretty deep hole by that point, and it took me a long time to recover physically and emotionally.
We instituted gentle nap and nighttime sleep assistance with him around 7 months, and did some more firm "sleep training" at night around 14-15 months. At that time, Noah felt safe, comfortable, knew we would meet his needs, and he was developmentally ready to sleep. We let him cry a bit, but since it had all been so gradual, he never cried more than 20 minutes or so. He was ready.
So what happens this time when I'm ready but my baby maybe isn't? The longer I'm a mom, the slower I am to judge others, but still pretty quick to second guess myself. I feel like right now I can't be the mom I want to be at night AND during the day. Rosie's 9 months old and wakes up 2-5 times a night.
In the past few weeks, my 3 year old has started saying things like, "Rosie, you have GOT to let me have some quiet time." And, "I'm so grumpy in the morning because Rosie kept waking me up at night." Now, I'm not entirely sure that he really hears her crying at night, but he hears me complaining the next day loud and clear.
When do I feel mistakenly entitled to sleep, and when is it a matter of fuctioning?
I need to be able to distinguish between entitlement and self-care! And I need to sleep train my baby.
Showing posts with label sleep. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sleep. Show all posts
Monday, April 30, 2018
Monday, January 19, 2015
A Day of Life with a 7 Month Old
A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about resting while I had the chance. I don't regret a second of it! Life has been full speed ahead since Christmas. I had hospital orientation the first week of January, then we all got influenza, and this past weekend I worked all weekend orienting to my new unit.
In the meantime, Noah has NOT been napping. Honestly, it's so small in the scheme of things, but I can't help but feel like I'm letting him down when he doesn't sleep well. In the 7.5 months that Noah has been here, I'd say we've had a total of 1.5 months of textbook naps (at this point that means two naps a day, for a total of 2-4 hours of daytime sleep).
Last week, I spent entire days struggling to get one 45 minute nap in (thankfully we had a bit of a thaw and Noah did get a good stroller nap!). This kid needs sleep, but he has SUCH a hard time shutting down! He's always GO GO GO TALK TALK TALK WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE. I LOVE it overall, but I wish I knew how to get him to turn it off. He needs rest, and I feel like it's up to me to coax him into it, but I cannot figure him out! I read all the books. I've tried all the tricks. Honestly, I think self-soothing is a developmental milestone that he hasn't reached because he's too busy with anything and everything else.
That being said, here's a fairly typical day for us since we're all still recovering from Influenza A: clear the schedule and get the kid to sleep at all costs!
0110: Noah wakes up. I get him and see that he threw up the avocado he ate for dinner. I change his sleep sack and feed him while Ross changes his sheets. Poor buddy!
0140: Ross puts Noah back in his crib and we all go back to sleep.
0430: Noah is up. I feed him.
0450: Ross takes a very wiggly baby back to his crib again. He doesn't fuss, but he also does NOT fall back asleep.
0530: Noah starts crying, so I feed him again thinking maybe it'll make him drowsy. Note to self: it never does!
0550: I put Noah back in his crib, where he proceeds to babble, whine, and practice balancing on all fours.
0630: He's obviously not falling back asleep. Ross gets him out of his room.
0700: I turn on the solar lamp in the kitchen to wake us all up and feed Noah some big kid food for breakfast-- strawberry applesauce with oatmeal. Yum!
0730: Play play play. This kid is on the move! He can scoot backwards, roll everywhere, and army crawl. Be still my heart :-)
0800: I dress and swaddle Noah, and then feed him. He's slowing down, so I'm hoping he will fall asleep after eating. Lay him in his crib "drowsy but awake" like all the books and well-meaning friends say to. He proceeds to whine, wiggle, and fuss for 45 minutes.
0900: I take him out of his crib and we play some more.
1000: Try to get him to nap again. Come up with some convoluted combination of rocking, feeding, listening to Gregorian chants, and putting a vibrating disc from the Rock 'n' Play on Noah's back. Whatever the magic is, it produces heavy eyelids which I haven't seen in ages! He also lets me give him the pacifier, which he rejects 99.5% of the time.
1020: Noah falls asleep in my arms (this NEVER happens). I hold him for 20 more minutes until he stops wiggling, and my arm goes numb.
1045: Successful transfer to the crib!
1100: I eat lunch. I'm famished! Also move laundry and do PT exercises.
1200: Marvel that Noah is still asleep. Watch an episode of the Mindy Project.
1245: Holy crap. If I'd know this was going to be a legit nap, I would've started on my to-do list right away! Feel like it's too late now. Move laundry again. Eat a bowl of cereal. Pick up the book I'm reading.
1315: Noah is up. I feed him.
1430: Give Noah some pureed green beans. He's happy to be eating solids after stopping for a week when he was so sick!
1445: Nurse him again in hopes of another nap.
1520: Rock him again. He just takes a 15 minute catnap in my arms this time.
1600: Play inside, and then outside for a bit. Noah isn't so sure about the wind and the bright sun!
1710: Baby bath, aka water aerobics. Took this picture in the 0.5 seconds it felt safe to not have my hands on this wild monkey, lest he submerge himself!
1730: Nurse
1800: Rock a very overtired baby until Ross comes home and takes over.
1900: Baby is asleep! I eat dinner, shower, and pump.
2020: Ross and I are in bed, exhausted. We watch an episode of Downton Abbey before going to bed.
2100: Lights out!
2240: Noah is awake. Feed him. We all go back to sleep until 0230 when it starts all over again...
In the meantime, Noah has NOT been napping. Honestly, it's so small in the scheme of things, but I can't help but feel like I'm letting him down when he doesn't sleep well. In the 7.5 months that Noah has been here, I'd say we've had a total of 1.5 months of textbook naps (at this point that means two naps a day, for a total of 2-4 hours of daytime sleep).
Last week, I spent entire days struggling to get one 45 minute nap in (thankfully we had a bit of a thaw and Noah did get a good stroller nap!). This kid needs sleep, but he has SUCH a hard time shutting down! He's always GO GO GO TALK TALK TALK WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE. I LOVE it overall, but I wish I knew how to get him to turn it off. He needs rest, and I feel like it's up to me to coax him into it, but I cannot figure him out! I read all the books. I've tried all the tricks. Honestly, I think self-soothing is a developmental milestone that he hasn't reached because he's too busy with anything and everything else.
That being said, here's a fairly typical day for us since we're all still recovering from Influenza A: clear the schedule and get the kid to sleep at all costs!
0110: Noah wakes up. I get him and see that he threw up the avocado he ate for dinner. I change his sleep sack and feed him while Ross changes his sheets. Poor buddy!
0140: Ross puts Noah back in his crib and we all go back to sleep.
0430: Noah is up. I feed him.
0450: Ross takes a very wiggly baby back to his crib again. He doesn't fuss, but he also does NOT fall back asleep.
0530: Noah starts crying, so I feed him again thinking maybe it'll make him drowsy. Note to self: it never does!
0550: I put Noah back in his crib, where he proceeds to babble, whine, and practice balancing on all fours.
0630: He's obviously not falling back asleep. Ross gets him out of his room.
0700: I turn on the solar lamp in the kitchen to wake us all up and feed Noah some big kid food for breakfast-- strawberry applesauce with oatmeal. Yum!
0730: Play play play. This kid is on the move! He can scoot backwards, roll everywhere, and army crawl. Be still my heart :-)
0800: I dress and swaddle Noah, and then feed him. He's slowing down, so I'm hoping he will fall asleep after eating. Lay him in his crib "drowsy but awake" like all the books and well-meaning friends say to. He proceeds to whine, wiggle, and fuss for 45 minutes.
0900: I take him out of his crib and we play some more.
1000: Try to get him to nap again. Come up with some convoluted combination of rocking, feeding, listening to Gregorian chants, and putting a vibrating disc from the Rock 'n' Play on Noah's back. Whatever the magic is, it produces heavy eyelids which I haven't seen in ages! He also lets me give him the pacifier, which he rejects 99.5% of the time.
1020: Noah falls asleep in my arms (this NEVER happens). I hold him for 20 more minutes until he stops wiggling, and my arm goes numb.
1045: Successful transfer to the crib!
1100: I eat lunch. I'm famished! Also move laundry and do PT exercises.
1200: Marvel that Noah is still asleep. Watch an episode of the Mindy Project.
1245: Holy crap. If I'd know this was going to be a legit nap, I would've started on my to-do list right away! Feel like it's too late now. Move laundry again. Eat a bowl of cereal. Pick up the book I'm reading.
1315: Noah is up. I feed him.
1430: Give Noah some pureed green beans. He's happy to be eating solids after stopping for a week when he was so sick!
1445: Nurse him again in hopes of another nap.
1520: Rock him again. He just takes a 15 minute catnap in my arms this time.
1600: Play inside, and then outside for a bit. Noah isn't so sure about the wind and the bright sun!
1710: Baby bath, aka water aerobics. Took this picture in the 0.5 seconds it felt safe to not have my hands on this wild monkey, lest he submerge himself!
1730: Nurse
1800: Rock a very overtired baby until Ross comes home and takes over.
1900: Baby is asleep! I eat dinner, shower, and pump.
2020: Ross and I are in bed, exhausted. We watch an episode of Downton Abbey before going to bed.
2100: Lights out!
2240: Noah is awake. Feed him. We all go back to sleep until 0230 when it starts all over again...
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
A Weary World Rejoices
Advent has begun again, and it has wonderfully, beautifully, coincided with a brief period of rest in my soul. Rest that has been much-desired, but ever-elusive for the past year.
The first 3-4 months after Noah was born, I was in constant physical pain, exacerbated by the constant anxiety I had about my baby. About everything in general, but sleep in particular. It seemed like my days revolved around hour-long feeding sessions and a brief period of "play," after which I would spend 45+ minutes getting him to sleep, only to get a 25 minute nap out of him. Seriously, for the month of November, you could set a clock by those catnaps. It was just long enough to go to the bathroom, change into real clothes (sometimes) and eat a meal. I was so discouraged. In so much pain. I felt like the worst mom ever. I was so drawn to the need to seek God in His Word, but too tired to do so.
We've also had this background of financial strain that was causing me to blame myself for not continuing to earn a full-time income. For the past 2 years, we've intentionally lived on Ross' salary plus about 20% of my income, in preparation for this very season. We paid off our debts. We bought a reasonable house. (Well, reasonable mortgage-wise. Don't get me started on renovations again.) We thought we were prepared since we've lived on this income for a while, but suddenly it's different. It's different knowing we can't draw from the savings account here and there. And we just did not anticipate hefty out-of-network physical therapy bills. Circumcisions. Hearing aids. I mean, we anticipated some of those things, but we didn't realize that we'd end up paying so much more than just our insurance deductible.
I just physically couldn't find it in me to work more night shifts when I'm already getting so little sleep, so I looked around and found an opportunity to take an 8-week day shift travel nursing assignment in an Omaha NICU. Perfect, right?! It would've been 8 really exhausting weeks, working full-time in Omaha and still fulfilling my PRN obligations here. But I would've had free childcare there, and I would've made in 8 weeks what it will currently take me 8 months to earn as a PRN nurse. It would've been a huge financial blessing. But after thinking and praying (and spending a night in Omaha where I was up EVERY HOUR with Noah) I said no. And WOW. We've been so blessed by that NO. The first good career decision I've made in a really long time!
Because after a few weeks of some sort of developmental and physical growth spurt, this week has been a breath of fresh air. KNOCK ON WOOD we are back to just one nighttime feeding around 3am (instead of 10pm and 1am and 4am and 5:30am...). And-- drumroll please-- we have a NAPPER** at long last! Seriously. 6 months in the making.
I'm more aware than ever of the cyclical nature of having a baby. Weeks of crazy growth and weeks of rest. I'm learning that maybe God's calling me into the same rhythm. Instead of just surviving those crazy weeks, I want to be able to dig in. Be present.
I've written myself a note above Noah's changing table: You chose to be here, so BE HERE. When those crazy weeks circle around again, I want to be ready. And that means while this kid is taking two naps a day, before he outgrows the swing, you better believe I'm resting when he's resting. I'm actually doing daily devotionals. I'm reading for fun. Sometimes I'm even napping! I'm still doing small chores, and when Ross comes home I catch up on laundry and make dinner and whatnot, but seriously. When Noah is resting, I'm going to rest, and I don't even feel bad about it. It's so, so needed. I had no idea having just one child would be this hard, so I'm stocking up. Stocking up, so that when it's time to dig in again, I won't feel so depleted. Because I love this baby with my whole heart. And I want to be present to cherish his baby-hood while it lasts!
**The last few weeks, instead of eat/play/sleep, we've settled into an eat/play/eat/sleep routine. We also started putting him in a swing for naps (to lull him back to sleep when he wakes up at the 25 minute mark). He's fallen into a fairly predictable 1+ hour morning nap around 8 or 9am, and an afternoon nap that still varies considerably. I don't know if the schedule change helped, or if the swing helped, or if he finally just reached a developmental ability to nap, but I cannot even express how WONDERFUL baby naps are! Poor guy was so overtired. And so was I!
The first 3-4 months after Noah was born, I was in constant physical pain, exacerbated by the constant anxiety I had about my baby. About everything in general, but sleep in particular. It seemed like my days revolved around hour-long feeding sessions and a brief period of "play," after which I would spend 45+ minutes getting him to sleep, only to get a 25 minute nap out of him. Seriously, for the month of November, you could set a clock by those catnaps. It was just long enough to go to the bathroom, change into real clothes (sometimes) and eat a meal. I was so discouraged. In so much pain. I felt like the worst mom ever. I was so drawn to the need to seek God in His Word, but too tired to do so.
We've also had this background of financial strain that was causing me to blame myself for not continuing to earn a full-time income. For the past 2 years, we've intentionally lived on Ross' salary plus about 20% of my income, in preparation for this very season. We paid off our debts. We bought a reasonable house. (Well, reasonable mortgage-wise. Don't get me started on renovations again.) We thought we were prepared since we've lived on this income for a while, but suddenly it's different. It's different knowing we can't draw from the savings account here and there. And we just did not anticipate hefty out-of-network physical therapy bills. Circumcisions. Hearing aids. I mean, we anticipated some of those things, but we didn't realize that we'd end up paying so much more than just our insurance deductible.
I just physically couldn't find it in me to work more night shifts when I'm already getting so little sleep, so I looked around and found an opportunity to take an 8-week day shift travel nursing assignment in an Omaha NICU. Perfect, right?! It would've been 8 really exhausting weeks, working full-time in Omaha and still fulfilling my PRN obligations here. But I would've had free childcare there, and I would've made in 8 weeks what it will currently take me 8 months to earn as a PRN nurse. It would've been a huge financial blessing. But after thinking and praying (and spending a night in Omaha where I was up EVERY HOUR with Noah) I said no. And WOW. We've been so blessed by that NO. The first good career decision I've made in a really long time!
Because after a few weeks of some sort of developmental and physical growth spurt, this week has been a breath of fresh air. KNOCK ON WOOD we are back to just one nighttime feeding around 3am (instead of 10pm and 1am and 4am and 5:30am...). And-- drumroll please-- we have a NAPPER** at long last! Seriously. 6 months in the making.
I'm more aware than ever of the cyclical nature of having a baby. Weeks of crazy growth and weeks of rest. I'm learning that maybe God's calling me into the same rhythm. Instead of just surviving those crazy weeks, I want to be able to dig in. Be present.
I've written myself a note above Noah's changing table: You chose to be here, so BE HERE. When those crazy weeks circle around again, I want to be ready. And that means while this kid is taking two naps a day, before he outgrows the swing, you better believe I'm resting when he's resting. I'm actually doing daily devotionals. I'm reading for fun. Sometimes I'm even napping! I'm still doing small chores, and when Ross comes home I catch up on laundry and make dinner and whatnot, but seriously. When Noah is resting, I'm going to rest, and I don't even feel bad about it. It's so, so needed. I had no idea having just one child would be this hard, so I'm stocking up. Stocking up, so that when it's time to dig in again, I won't feel so depleted. Because I love this baby with my whole heart. And I want to be present to cherish his baby-hood while it lasts!
Oh holy night!
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night of the dear Savior's birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till he appear'd and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!
Fall on your knees
Oh hear the angel voices
Oh night divine
Oh night when Christ was born
Oh night divine
Oh night divine
**The last few weeks, instead of eat/play/sleep, we've settled into an eat/play/eat/sleep routine. We also started putting him in a swing for naps (to lull him back to sleep when he wakes up at the 25 minute mark). He's fallen into a fairly predictable 1+ hour morning nap around 8 or 9am, and an afternoon nap that still varies considerably. I don't know if the schedule change helped, or if the swing helped, or if he finally just reached a developmental ability to nap, but I cannot even express how WONDERFUL baby naps are! Poor guy was so overtired. And so was I!
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
If I Could Tell Myself
I think those first few months of new-parent-hood were clouded by hormones and fatigue, yes, but also by pain. Until a few weeks ago, I truly thought I was never going to physically recover from childbirth. Thank GOD for modern medicine and the fact that I'm finally, slowly, on the mend.
I don't think you can outsmart those early hormones, but wow, those early days were so hard, and I was only dealing with mostly run-of-the-mill baby issues! I didn't have any perspective and I think I just thought things would be that hard forever. If I could just look back at myself at 8 weeks, I'd tell that poor girl so much:
1.) Go to physical therapy NOW. If 8 weeks postpartum feels a whole lot like 8 days postpartum, don't wait for the pain to get better! It obviously isn't improving on its own.
2.) Go to the pain management OBGYN NOW. See above.
3.) Someday, sooner than you think, you will be able to eat dinner with your husband again instead of one of you holding a screaming baby while the other one inhales whatever food you managed to scrounge out of the cabinet.
4.) Cloth diapers aren't that big of a deal. Don't stress about them so much. Just do it. (And I wish I'd known about Fluff Love University sooner!)
5.) Trust your instincts. If you feel like you still have thrush, it's thrush. If you think your baby has reflux, he has reflux. (Spoiler alert: both of them will eventually improve, I promise!)
6.) Just buy some non-maternity clothes a size up. Actually, I'd go back and tell my first-trimester self this one, when I was in between my normal clothes and my maternity clothes. I'm actually comfortable at the weight I'm at, but I do NOT fit into my old winter clothes yet.
7.) Take more pictures with your nice camera and fewer with your iPhone. Babies move too fast and half of your pictures are blurry!
8.) Don't compare yourself to your mom friends, and don't compare your baby to your friends' babies. You will either feel inordinately proud over something you can't take credit for or, more likely, completely awful because you feel like you're doing it all wrong. See: 6 Things New Parents Need to Stop Doing.
9.) In fact, don't even shame yourself about your feelings. They're not uncommon. Exhibit A. Exhibit B.
10.) Your baby's sleep schedule will at best make you tired and grumpy, and at worse expose your selfishness and control issues. Reinforce good habits, take what sleep you can get, and then just roll with it. Love him through it. His sleep will eventually sloooowly improve. You'll start to notice that his weeks of bad sleep will correspond with huge developmental leaps, and it will start to make sense. Reading this helps a lot:
11.) CTFD and laugh a little. If you can't reach this point on your own, talk with your spouse, with other mom friends, or with a counselor until you can.
12.) Endorphins are still so very real. Work out if you can muster up even an ounce of energy, because it WILL give you more energy. Swimming, Body Pump, Piyo, hot yoga, and sometimes Zumba are your friends. HIIT, running, and plyometrics are not.
13.) Ross is a pretty awesome dad. Don't deprive him of opportunities to shine.
14.) Not only does breastfeeding get better, but should you be so lucky as to be able to continue this relationship, you'll start to notice how sanctifying it is:
15.) Sleeping baby faces will always make your heart melt. That gummy smile will never fail to make your heart explode. Sometimes, instead of trying to capture the sweetness with the millionth picture, close your eyes and memorize it instead.
16.) You love your baby. You're doing a good job.
I don't think you can outsmart those early hormones, but wow, those early days were so hard, and I was only dealing with mostly run-of-the-mill baby issues! I didn't have any perspective and I think I just thought things would be that hard forever. If I could just look back at myself at 8 weeks, I'd tell that poor girl so much:
1.) Go to physical therapy NOW. If 8 weeks postpartum feels a whole lot like 8 days postpartum, don't wait for the pain to get better! It obviously isn't improving on its own.
2.) Go to the pain management OBGYN NOW. See above.
3.) Someday, sooner than you think, you will be able to eat dinner with your husband again instead of one of you holding a screaming baby while the other one inhales whatever food you managed to scrounge out of the cabinet.
4.) Cloth diapers aren't that big of a deal. Don't stress about them so much. Just do it. (And I wish I'd known about Fluff Love University sooner!)
5.) Trust your instincts. If you feel like you still have thrush, it's thrush. If you think your baby has reflux, he has reflux. (Spoiler alert: both of them will eventually improve, I promise!)
6.) Just buy some non-maternity clothes a size up. Actually, I'd go back and tell my first-trimester self this one, when I was in between my normal clothes and my maternity clothes. I'm actually comfortable at the weight I'm at, but I do NOT fit into my old winter clothes yet.
7.) Take more pictures with your nice camera and fewer with your iPhone. Babies move too fast and half of your pictures are blurry!
8.) Don't compare yourself to your mom friends, and don't compare your baby to your friends' babies. You will either feel inordinately proud over something you can't take credit for or, more likely, completely awful because you feel like you're doing it all wrong. See: 6 Things New Parents Need to Stop Doing.
9.) In fact, don't even shame yourself about your feelings. They're not uncommon. Exhibit A. Exhibit B.
10.) Your baby's sleep schedule will at best make you tired and grumpy, and at worse expose your selfishness and control issues. Reinforce good habits, take what sleep you can get, and then just roll with it. Love him through it. His sleep will eventually sloooowly improve. You'll start to notice that his weeks of bad sleep will correspond with huge developmental leaps, and it will start to make sense. Reading this helps a lot:
“Infant/toddler sleep is erratic, unpredictable and doesn’t conform to our expectations. Children’s sleep habits have evolved to best serve the child, even if they don’t make sense to the parent. Adjust your expectations, not your child’s sleep habits (within reason)."
11.) CTFD and laugh a little. If you can't reach this point on your own, talk with your spouse, with other mom friends, or with a counselor until you can.
12.) Endorphins are still so very real. Work out if you can muster up even an ounce of energy, because it WILL give you more energy. Swimming, Body Pump, Piyo, hot yoga, and sometimes Zumba are your friends. HIIT, running, and plyometrics are not.
13.) Ross is a pretty awesome dad. Don't deprive him of opportunities to shine.
14.) Not only does breastfeeding get better, but should you be so lucky as to be able to continue this relationship, you'll start to notice how sanctifying it is:
Perhaps this is what Jesus had in mind for the Eucharist. Through the breaking of the bread, God invites us into the nursing relationship: the meeting of all our needs.I think about the cracked nipples and the itchy thrush, the aches and fevers of mastitis, the midnight trek across the house to feed a crying baby, fatigued to the point of nausea: "This is my body, broken for you."
I think about the times I missed out because of the chore it was keeping (my baby) fed, the chained-up feeling of pumping at work, the moments when I wish desperately for a break: "Poured out for you and for many…"
I think about God, who has given me these children and the means to sustain them, who is present in the Eucharist and in my nursing chair, who by these rituals invites me to participate in His life-giving power: "Do this, in remembrance of Me."
15.) Sleeping baby faces will always make your heart melt. That gummy smile will never fail to make your heart explode. Sometimes, instead of trying to capture the sweetness with the millionth picture, close your eyes and memorize it instead.
16.) You love your baby. You're doing a good job.
Friday, October 17, 2014
A Day of Life with a 4 Month Old
Yesterday, Noah learned to roll from back to front! He's done it once or twice before on accident, but yesterday it really clicked. As he kept repeating his new trick, I realized my days with an immobile baby are limited! I wanted to do a post like this ages ago, but honestly pre-Zantac all of my energy went into trying to get Noah to stop crying and sleep.
That's not to say that every day is rainbows and butterflies now, but honestly the majority of our day is quite happy. This little guy is a joy to be around. Earlier this week, I was at the park with a friend who hadn't seen me since the Day Before Zantac. (AKA Noah cried all day, I cried all day, I finally had to lay him in the crib and walk away for an hour because I couldn't handle it, and he cried the whole time.) My friend said my whole countenance is different now, and I agree. I'm a much more patient mom now that my baby and my lower back aren't screaming at me all day long. Thank God for modern medicine!
Anyway, here's a much lower-stress day in our lives now. I'm so thankful that I get to spend most of the week at home with him. He's the cutest boss!
[Note: Just because I note multiple "events" an hour, don't think I'm trying to make myself sound busier than I am. Chill days like this are an absolute delight and they allow both of us to settle into a rhythm and find a good "normal" for us. I can think of 1,000 scenarios that are more hectic than this one, which is why I'm so thankful for today!]
0110: Noah is awake. Ross brings him to the bedroom and I feed him.
0145: Noah is done eating. The past week or two, he has been good about falling right back to sleep after his middle of the night feeding. But tonight, it's clear that isn't going to be the case. He's not fussy, but he's most definitely awake. Ross finally goes to the nursery to rock him while I eat a Larabar and chug some water.
0210: Noah is asleep. Ross and I aren't far behind.
0501: (seriously, this kid's internal clock for the 5 o'clock hour is astounding) Noah is awake again. Ross brings him to the bedroom and I give him his Zantac and feed him.
0530: Ross gets ready to go for a run with a neighbor. Noah is still eating.
0600: Noah's done eating, but he's WIDE awake.
0630: More often than not, he goes back to sleep by 6:30 or 7 and sleeps until 8:30, but that's not happening. He's all riled up and happy-shouting and smiling and babbling.
0700: I give up trying to quiet him down, and get up and change his diaper. Ross leaves for work and I put Noah down on his playmat while I get dressed and make oatmeal for myself.
0705: We almost never leave the house when it's dark, but I realize I'm out of coffee and I have a Groupon for my favorite coffee shop 20 minutes away. I bundle Noah up and head out to get caffeine for me, but also in hopes that Noah will fall asleep in the car.
0745: Noah puts up a valiant fight and stays wide-eyed until we turn onto our street on the way home! I miraculously transfer him into the house in his carseat and he stays asleep. I put the carseat on the floor of our bedroom because the trashmen are super loud from his bedroom on Friday mornings.
0800: I slip back into bed, hoping to catch a short nap.
0830: Noah is awake and he wakes me up from my 15 minute catnap, too.
0840: Feed Noah.
0915: Change his diaper (which was dangerously close to a blowout) and get him dressed.
0930: I put Noah on his playmat in the kitchen while I start this post and eat my gluten-free brownie from the coffee shop. I also take my vitamin and probiotic to balance it out :-)
0945: I watch him play while I pump. He's practicing rolling the other way! I wonder what makes their little brain decide to just do these things one day seemingly out of the blue.
1000: I waited a little too long for naptime, and Noah starts to fuss. We hightail it to the nursery where I put him in his sleepsuit and start rocking.
1015: He put up a decent fight, but sleep won in the end. And this fussing is NOTHING compared to months 2-4 when he would scream for about 45 minutes before finally taking a 20 minute nap. Poor guy!
1030: I drink about 1/3 of my coconut milk cafe au lait from this morning after debating taking a nap as well, and deciding I will try to take one this afternoon instead.
1040: I do a quick 18 minute Piyo workout.
1100: Pretty much right on cue, Noah wakes up. I rush to the nursery to rock him back to sleep before he gets too riled up. He's definitely still tired and I really try to get him to take at least one nap a day that's more than an hour long, even though he almost always wakes up 45 minutes after laying down. He falls asleep quickly, but I rock him for a few more minutes until I feel like it's safe to put him back down.
1115: I quietly warm up some leftover fajita filling to eat alongside corn chips, carrot sticks, and guacamole for lunch.
1140: Do my deep breathing and a few Physical Therapy exercises while I scroll through Instagram and wait for Noah to wake up again. I love and hate that our house is so tiny, you can't do anything remotely noisy during naptime.
1207: Baby's awake!
1210-1240: Feed and burp Noah.
1250: Clean diaper and playtime! I set Noah down on his playmat to kick around and I talk to him while I unload the dishwasher and quickly make a batch of pumpkin chocolate chip bars.
1315: Hearing aid time! I make sure he's upright so he doesn't get feedback ringing in his ears, and we sing songs, read a book, and play patty cake. The minute he becomes disinterested, I take them out. The goal is to only have positive associations with his hearing aids!
1335: Move toward nap.
1355: He's asleep!
1400: I eat a pumpkin bar and applesauce for a snack.
1425: I lay down in hopes of a nap.
1430: Baby wakes up instead, and this time he won't be rocked back to sleep. Should've taken advantage of the morning nap!
1440: Spend 40 minutes feeding a fussy, overtired, squirmy baby and wonder if he's actually eating anything or just wiggling. Then he spits up in my hair and I figure he must've eaten something.
1520: Eat another pumpkin bar + some salt and pepper potato chips (darn you for buying these, Ross!) Play with Noah on the floor for a while.
1545: Change diaper. Go on a 1 hour walk. Noah probably sleeps for 40 minutes of it. He's so tired today.
1700: Put pork loin in the oven for dinner.
1715: Wait for Dad and greet him with a smile when he comes home!
1740: Noah gets a 20 minute bath. He splashes and shouts much less than usual. So tired today!
1800: Give Noah his Zantac and feed him for hopefully the last time today. [We've been putting him down after this feeding and doing a "dream feed" around 9:30-10pm for a week or two, but the last few days we'd wake him out of a good sleep to eat and he was so fussy, barely ate anything, and took an hour to settle back down. So last night we just let him sleep and he slept until 1am. He used to eat at 10pm and then again at 2-3am and 5-6am, so we essentially dropped a feeding in the hopes of all of us getting a tad more sleep*. We kept pushing him, hoping he'd give us that long stretch from like 10pm-5am like adults sleep. Alas, he has not taken that opportunity. So if he's going to get his long stretch earlier in the night, I guess we need to, too :-/ ]
1830: Ross rocks Noah to sleep while I finish up with dinner and take a shower.
1900: I eat dinner with Ross. Nothing fancy: pork and roasted sweet potatoes.
1945: Do physical therapy exercises, talk with Ross, go over our budget.
2030: Pump.
2115: Grownups in bed, lights out!
I cannot believe I just wrote our entire day out in such mundane detail. Today was actually a fairly indulgent day, to boot, since we didn't have any errands to run or appointments to be at or night shift to prepare for. It feels silly to document this, but I already wonder what the heck my days look liked at 2 months (I do know this: a very tired blur).
I know it'll be fun to look back at our happy days at 4 months. And when I'm tempted to feed like all we do is eat, play, and sleep (well, some of us sleep more than others haha) I remember: "It's never mundane to them. Not to their brains which measures your mundane as safety, as meeting their needs, helping their brain literally explode in connections. Relish the "mundane" because to them it's the essence of life and the building block of a future." And really, these tiny, everyday moments are what I'm going to want to remember most about this blur of new baby-hood and new parent-hood.
One of my friends recently posted a picture of her smiling baby on Facebook and basically said, "I didn't get anything done today because this guy started smiling!" One of her friends responded, "Getting nothing done? You just helped create hundreds of new brain connections, decreased his cortisol levels so his brain develops in a calm environment, and helped him begin to trust that God loves him unconditionally because he's seen that in his mama's eyes. In fact, come to think of it, you deserve a nap!" I love that. And I love this job. And I love my sweet little family.
*Edited to add: Noah slept from 1900 to 0400 that night!!!! That's the longest he's EVER slept. I woke up about every 90 minutes to look at him on the video monitor, but almost always fell right back asleep after I saw him breathing, which means I got about 6 hours of more-or-less uninterrupted sleep. Yay! I think he's coming off of a major growth spurt and more tired than normal. (I always know it's a growth spurt because I am ravenous and super thirsty. And craving chocolate cake. Seriously.)
That's not to say that every day is rainbows and butterflies now, but honestly the majority of our day is quite happy. This little guy is a joy to be around. Earlier this week, I was at the park with a friend who hadn't seen me since the Day Before Zantac. (AKA Noah cried all day, I cried all day, I finally had to lay him in the crib and walk away for an hour because I couldn't handle it, and he cried the whole time.) My friend said my whole countenance is different now, and I agree. I'm a much more patient mom now that my baby and my lower back aren't screaming at me all day long. Thank God for modern medicine!
Anyway, here's a much lower-stress day in our lives now. I'm so thankful that I get to spend most of the week at home with him. He's the cutest boss!
[Note: Just because I note multiple "events" an hour, don't think I'm trying to make myself sound busier than I am. Chill days like this are an absolute delight and they allow both of us to settle into a rhythm and find a good "normal" for us. I can think of 1,000 scenarios that are more hectic than this one, which is why I'm so thankful for today!]
0110: Noah is awake. Ross brings him to the bedroom and I feed him.
0145: Noah is done eating. The past week or two, he has been good about falling right back to sleep after his middle of the night feeding. But tonight, it's clear that isn't going to be the case. He's not fussy, but he's most definitely awake. Ross finally goes to the nursery to rock him while I eat a Larabar and chug some water.
0210: Noah is asleep. Ross and I aren't far behind.
0501: (seriously, this kid's internal clock for the 5 o'clock hour is astounding) Noah is awake again. Ross brings him to the bedroom and I give him his Zantac and feed him.
0530: Ross gets ready to go for a run with a neighbor. Noah is still eating.
0600: Noah's done eating, but he's WIDE awake.
0630: More often than not, he goes back to sleep by 6:30 or 7 and sleeps until 8:30, but that's not happening. He's all riled up and happy-shouting and smiling and babbling.
0700: I give up trying to quiet him down, and get up and change his diaper. Ross leaves for work and I put Noah down on his playmat while I get dressed and make oatmeal for myself.
0705: We almost never leave the house when it's dark, but I realize I'm out of coffee and I have a Groupon for my favorite coffee shop 20 minutes away. I bundle Noah up and head out to get caffeine for me, but also in hopes that Noah will fall asleep in the car.
0745: Noah puts up a valiant fight and stays wide-eyed until we turn onto our street on the way home! I miraculously transfer him into the house in his carseat and he stays asleep. I put the carseat on the floor of our bedroom because the trashmen are super loud from his bedroom on Friday mornings.
0800: I slip back into bed, hoping to catch a short nap.
0830: Noah is awake and he wakes me up from my 15 minute catnap, too.
0840: Feed Noah.
0915: Change his diaper (which was dangerously close to a blowout) and get him dressed.
0930: I put Noah on his playmat in the kitchen while I start this post and eat my gluten-free brownie from the coffee shop. I also take my vitamin and probiotic to balance it out :-)
0945: I watch him play while I pump. He's practicing rolling the other way! I wonder what makes their little brain decide to just do these things one day seemingly out of the blue.
1000: I waited a little too long for naptime, and Noah starts to fuss. We hightail it to the nursery where I put him in his sleepsuit and start rocking.
1015: He put up a decent fight, but sleep won in the end. And this fussing is NOTHING compared to months 2-4 when he would scream for about 45 minutes before finally taking a 20 minute nap. Poor guy!
1030: I drink about 1/3 of my coconut milk cafe au lait from this morning after debating taking a nap as well, and deciding I will try to take one this afternoon instead.
1040: I do a quick 18 minute Piyo workout.
1100: Pretty much right on cue, Noah wakes up. I rush to the nursery to rock him back to sleep before he gets too riled up. He's definitely still tired and I really try to get him to take at least one nap a day that's more than an hour long, even though he almost always wakes up 45 minutes after laying down. He falls asleep quickly, but I rock him for a few more minutes until I feel like it's safe to put him back down.
1115: I quietly warm up some leftover fajita filling to eat alongside corn chips, carrot sticks, and guacamole for lunch.
1140: Do my deep breathing and a few Physical Therapy exercises while I scroll through Instagram and wait for Noah to wake up again. I love and hate that our house is so tiny, you can't do anything remotely noisy during naptime.
1207: Baby's awake!
1210-1240: Feed and burp Noah.
1250: Clean diaper and playtime! I set Noah down on his playmat to kick around and I talk to him while I unload the dishwasher and quickly make a batch of pumpkin chocolate chip bars.
1315: Hearing aid time! I make sure he's upright so he doesn't get feedback ringing in his ears, and we sing songs, read a book, and play patty cake. The minute he becomes disinterested, I take them out. The goal is to only have positive associations with his hearing aids!
1335: Move toward nap.
1355: He's asleep!
1400: I eat a pumpkin bar and applesauce for a snack.
1425: I lay down in hopes of a nap.
1430: Baby wakes up instead, and this time he won't be rocked back to sleep. Should've taken advantage of the morning nap!
1440: Spend 40 minutes feeding a fussy, overtired, squirmy baby and wonder if he's actually eating anything or just wiggling. Then he spits up in my hair and I figure he must've eaten something.
1520: Eat another pumpkin bar + some salt and pepper potato chips (darn you for buying these, Ross!) Play with Noah on the floor for a while.
1545: Change diaper. Go on a 1 hour walk. Noah probably sleeps for 40 minutes of it. He's so tired today.
1700: Put pork loin in the oven for dinner.
1715: Wait for Dad and greet him with a smile when he comes home!
1740: Noah gets a 20 minute bath. He splashes and shouts much less than usual. So tired today!
1800: Give Noah his Zantac and feed him for hopefully the last time today. [We've been putting him down after this feeding and doing a "dream feed" around 9:30-10pm for a week or two, but the last few days we'd wake him out of a good sleep to eat and he was so fussy, barely ate anything, and took an hour to settle back down. So last night we just let him sleep and he slept until 1am. He used to eat at 10pm and then again at 2-3am and 5-6am, so we essentially dropped a feeding in the hopes of all of us getting a tad more sleep*. We kept pushing him, hoping he'd give us that long stretch from like 10pm-5am like adults sleep. Alas, he has not taken that opportunity. So if he's going to get his long stretch earlier in the night, I guess we need to, too :-/ ]
1830: Ross rocks Noah to sleep while I finish up with dinner and take a shower.
1900: I eat dinner with Ross. Nothing fancy: pork and roasted sweet potatoes.
1945: Do physical therapy exercises, talk with Ross, go over our budget.
2030: Pump.
2115: Grownups in bed, lights out!
I cannot believe I just wrote our entire day out in such mundane detail. Today was actually a fairly indulgent day, to boot, since we didn't have any errands to run or appointments to be at or night shift to prepare for. It feels silly to document this, but I already wonder what the heck my days look liked at 2 months (I do know this: a very tired blur).
I know it'll be fun to look back at our happy days at 4 months. And when I'm tempted to feed like all we do is eat, play, and sleep (well, some of us sleep more than others haha) I remember: "It's never mundane to them. Not to their brains which measures your mundane as safety, as meeting their needs, helping their brain literally explode in connections. Relish the "mundane" because to them it's the essence of life and the building block of a future." And really, these tiny, everyday moments are what I'm going to want to remember most about this blur of new baby-hood and new parent-hood.
One of my friends recently posted a picture of her smiling baby on Facebook and basically said, "I didn't get anything done today because this guy started smiling!" One of her friends responded, "Getting nothing done? You just helped create hundreds of new brain connections, decreased his cortisol levels so his brain develops in a calm environment, and helped him begin to trust that God loves him unconditionally because he's seen that in his mama's eyes. In fact, come to think of it, you deserve a nap!" I love that. And I love this job. And I love my sweet little family.
*Edited to add: Noah slept from 1900 to 0400 that night!!!! That's the longest he's EVER slept. I woke up about every 90 minutes to look at him on the video monitor, but almost always fell right back asleep after I saw him breathing, which means I got about 6 hours of more-or-less uninterrupted sleep. Yay! I think he's coming off of a major growth spurt and more tired than normal. (I always know it's a growth spurt because I am ravenous and super thirsty. And craving chocolate cake. Seriously.)
Monday, August 25, 2014
Dear Noah
Noah,
You're 11 weeks old today. I feel like for the past few weeks I've been thinking of you as "nearly 3 months old" which, when you were 8 weeks old, was just not accurate at all. But now here we are almost actually 12 weeks and then 3 months old, and ugh. Where did time go? The last week we've been easing into a smoother place after a few rough weeks.
I was thinking about the day you were born (actually, at 4:29pm which is when you were born). And I wanted to write. I'm typing this because my journal is in your room and you're sleeping in your room for a few more minutes. This sleeping in your room is a new thing you've done that past few days... one nap a day in the rock and play and I sit out here and watch you on the monitor and simultanously love having two hands, and miss holding you. Where did you take all your naps two weeks ago? How is it that I can't even remember? I'm so glad I dropped everything and just loved on your the past few weeks. There was some frustration initially, as I adjusted my expectations. You're keeping me on my toes. This week it seems like you take a morning nap in the Moby wrap while we walk, your mid-morning/early afternoon nap in the rock and play (used to be that I'd try to sleep with you on me for that nap), and afternoon naps are hit or miss and often involve my "mellow music" playlist, which I'm thoroughly sick of.
Those early weeks I remember walking out to the driveway with you and singing "How Great Thou Art" to get you to calm down. Your dad would come home and read to you on the couch and then you'd pass out on him and I'd have to wake you both for the last feeding of the day. For a long time you ate at 10pm, 2am, and 6am and then whenever you wanted during the day. Things are sliiiightly more predictable now, and I aim to get 7 feedings in, with the last one starting around 10pm. Some nights you wake up at 2 or 3, but more often than not you've been sleeping until 4... and even 5am the last two days! It's amazing the difference a little more unbroken sleep makes... in all of us! You had a pretty rough time from weeks 6-9 figuring how to nap and some days you'd get so exhausted you'd just screamed at night. You'd look at us like, "how are you not fixing this? How do you not know what I'm saying?" And we didn't know. We had no clue. We just knew you were sad and it made us sad that we couldn't make it better.
I just looked through your birth pictures. I'm so glad Vanessa was there to capture that special day! "Special" doesn't even do it justice. It just sounds trite and inadequate. But I look at the pictures of your coming out and crying, and there's one sequence of shots where they are putting you on my chest and you're crying, scrunching your face, and then... relaxed and resting on me. It brings me so much joy and makes my heart want to burst for love for you and your vulnerability and your trust. I'm your only mom and you trust me and that is just above understanding. Babies are so vulnerable! And it breaks my heart knowing that there are other times that the world will be cold and loud and frightening and I won't be there to make it instantly better. Or I will be there, but I won't be enough. This is inevitably a matter of if, not when, and it draws me back to Jesus. The incarnation never seemed so real. Jesus never seemed so vulnerable. To come into the world as a helpless baby!?
These thoughts also draw me to Jesus because I hope with all my heart that you will know that when you can't find comfort at home, and I'm not there to take care of you, Jesus is enough. (Even me "being present" with you isn't enough for my fickle heart). And if he loves his children as much as I love you, then this love is nearly incomprehensible. An all-consuming, I love you, I want what's best for you, I want you to know the answer is right here, right in front of you, even when you can't see it. Even when the options are confusing and the world is overwhelming, the only really important choice is Jesus. He's the ultimate comforter. He's the one who can really dry the tears from your eyes. I want him to be enough for me, and I want him to be enough for you. I love that our relationship gives me a new glimpse of what God's love must be like. The times I have your food right there and you can't calm down enough to find it, the times you're so tired you're freaking out and you just need to breathe and relax, the times you get scared and I'm just one room away but how can you know that? Those are the times I wonder if God is just laughing at me. Because usually the solutions to your problems are so simple and obvious to me. How must I look to God, with all my fumbling, and complaining, and fretting?
Thank you, Noah, for showing me what really matters.
Love,
Mama
You're 11 weeks old today. I feel like for the past few weeks I've been thinking of you as "nearly 3 months old" which, when you were 8 weeks old, was just not accurate at all. But now here we are almost actually 12 weeks and then 3 months old, and ugh. Where did time go? The last week we've been easing into a smoother place after a few rough weeks.
I was thinking about the day you were born (actually, at 4:29pm which is when you were born). And I wanted to write. I'm typing this because my journal is in your room and you're sleeping in your room for a few more minutes. This sleeping in your room is a new thing you've done that past few days... one nap a day in the rock and play and I sit out here and watch you on the monitor and simultanously love having two hands, and miss holding you. Where did you take all your naps two weeks ago? How is it that I can't even remember? I'm so glad I dropped everything and just loved on your the past few weeks. There was some frustration initially, as I adjusted my expectations. You're keeping me on my toes. This week it seems like you take a morning nap in the Moby wrap while we walk, your mid-morning/early afternoon nap in the rock and play (used to be that I'd try to sleep with you on me for that nap), and afternoon naps are hit or miss and often involve my "mellow music" playlist, which I'm thoroughly sick of.
Those early weeks I remember walking out to the driveway with you and singing "How Great Thou Art" to get you to calm down. Your dad would come home and read to you on the couch and then you'd pass out on him and I'd have to wake you both for the last feeding of the day. For a long time you ate at 10pm, 2am, and 6am and then whenever you wanted during the day. Things are sliiiightly more predictable now, and I aim to get 7 feedings in, with the last one starting around 10pm. Some nights you wake up at 2 or 3, but more often than not you've been sleeping until 4... and even 5am the last two days! It's amazing the difference a little more unbroken sleep makes... in all of us! You had a pretty rough time from weeks 6-9 figuring how to nap and some days you'd get so exhausted you'd just screamed at night. You'd look at us like, "how are you not fixing this? How do you not know what I'm saying?" And we didn't know. We had no clue. We just knew you were sad and it made us sad that we couldn't make it better.
I just looked through your birth pictures. I'm so glad Vanessa was there to capture that special day! "Special" doesn't even do it justice. It just sounds trite and inadequate. But I look at the pictures of your coming out and crying, and there's one sequence of shots where they are putting you on my chest and you're crying, scrunching your face, and then... relaxed and resting on me. It brings me so much joy and makes my heart want to burst for love for you and your vulnerability and your trust. I'm your only mom and you trust me and that is just above understanding. Babies are so vulnerable! And it breaks my heart knowing that there are other times that the world will be cold and loud and frightening and I won't be there to make it instantly better. Or I will be there, but I won't be enough. This is inevitably a matter of if, not when, and it draws me back to Jesus. The incarnation never seemed so real. Jesus never seemed so vulnerable. To come into the world as a helpless baby!?
These thoughts also draw me to Jesus because I hope with all my heart that you will know that when you can't find comfort at home, and I'm not there to take care of you, Jesus is enough. (Even me "being present" with you isn't enough for my fickle heart). And if he loves his children as much as I love you, then this love is nearly incomprehensible. An all-consuming, I love you, I want what's best for you, I want you to know the answer is right here, right in front of you, even when you can't see it. Even when the options are confusing and the world is overwhelming, the only really important choice is Jesus. He's the ultimate comforter. He's the one who can really dry the tears from your eyes. I want him to be enough for me, and I want him to be enough for you. I love that our relationship gives me a new glimpse of what God's love must be like. The times I have your food right there and you can't calm down enough to find it, the times you're so tired you're freaking out and you just need to breathe and relax, the times you get scared and I'm just one room away but how can you know that? Those are the times I wonder if God is just laughing at me. Because usually the solutions to your problems are so simple and obvious to me. How must I look to God, with all my fumbling, and complaining, and fretting?
Thank you, Noah, for showing me what really matters.
Love,
Mama
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