Postpartum Anxiety

The fool says in his heart, "There is no God." 

They never call on God. 

But there they were overwhelmed with dread, 

where there was nothing to dread. 

Oh that salvation for Israel would come! 

Psalm 53 

"What does an unused prayer link look like? Anxiety. Instead of connecting with God, 

our spirits fly around like severed power lines, destroying everything they touch. 

A godlike stance without godlike character and ability is pure tension." Paul Miller

Allow me to start by saying that I'm hesitant to share this. The very last thing I want is for Noah to read this one day and feel like my postpartum anxiety/depression is somehow his fault, because it's not. Never for a second would I blame him! My inability to cope with the realities of motherhood, however, was a problem. No, scratch that. It was my reaction to my perceived inability. Mom-guilt and insecurity quickly turned into a fundamental shame in who I was as a person. That I was too much and not enough all at once. The shame was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was the tipping point in the perfect storm that had been brewing for, well, years according to my therapist. I went from extremely stressed, to anxious to the point of dread on a daily basis.

Walking around clinically depressed and anxious feels like staggering about, alone, on barren, deserted island. It can make you feel like you have no mooring; no place to throw an anchor; no shelter from the storm that tossed you ashore in the first place.

So in the end, I'm sharing. Because no new mom should feel ashamed when she's on the verge of tears and someone tells her to be grateful that she "only" has one kid and that it only gets harder from here on out. No new mom should be made to feel inadequate when someone tells her that they've never seen anyone else struggle so much with postpartum recovery. No new mom should feel the soul-crushing disappointment in herself when she's surprised by motherhood in all the wrong ways. When she's eating her pre-baby words and struggling to adapt to the role of motherhood, no new mom should feel ALONE.

This is the story of my pain, and maybe you will find in it an echo of your own story or that of someone you love. Consider taking the EPDS or reviewing this symptom checklist if anything henceforth sounds familiar to you.

.......

It all started when Noah started sleeping through the night consistently a few weeks after his first birthday. It seemed like suddenly I found myself at the beginning of July, after a month of rain, and I could see the sun for the first time in a LONG time. I had a few weeks of sleep under my belt, seemingly out of nowhere I had a toddler who could walk and talk and play, and life was so different than it had been just one or two months prior. I missed my baby, to be sure, and I still feel a familiar sadness when I think about all the sweet early moments I missed out on due to pain and anxiety, but mobility (and sleep) changed everything this summer and I couldn't deny that Noah was an awfully fun little guy to hang out with. Every stage is bittersweet, but I'm finding that each one is also progressively more fun as I get to know Noah better and better.

With the sun out at last, we could take playdates to the pool! We could take long walks every morning in the beautiful summer light! I had energy again! I could workout if I wanted to! I lost the last bit of baby weight and had a whole closet of clothes accessible to me again that I hadn't worn in almost two years! I could, and did, go to the farmer's market and start eating more vegetables after far too long of a hiatus. It's no secret summer is my favorite season. I felt like a new dawn was rising as I re-entered the land of the living and emerged from babyville. But it didn't take me long to realize I was not okay.

I was functioning. I was having fun! I was no longer having insomnia or heart palpitations, but I couldn't shake the feeling that I wasn't quite living either. At first I thought, okay, this is life as a mom. I will never be the same. And I WILL never be the same (thank God)! But I like to think that's because more has been added to my life and I've changed and grown into this new shape as I adjust. Not because the substance of my old self has been taken away.

This summer, Noah and I took daily morning walks and I started listening to sermon podcasts again. It was refreshing to just let truth wash over me. It's so easy for forget that I'm not the center of my life and that I'm certainly not in charge of it.

This summer, I realized I needed to change jobs. Again. But this time, the decision was not terribly debilitating. Now that I'm getting more settled into it, I'm relieved to find that my instincts were right, and this job is a great fit. But still, because of, or perhaps in spite of this decision, I was anxious. I was fearful. I had a certain peace that I was doing the right thing, that this was the best choice for my family, but I still wasn't okay.

This summer, Ross and I went to an amazing marriage conference once a week for 5 weeks. We started to reconnect and we were shocked and saddened at how far apart we'd grown in such a short time.

But the hardest thing was the thing that wasn't changing: the pain that I'd been having since I was 16 weeks pregnant. Ebbing and flowing with my hormones, but always there, always worse at the end of the day, was the pain. Somewhere in the haze of the early days of motherhood, my pelvic pain went from being a source of frustration to a source of concern to a trigger for hopelessness and despair. I'd been a compliant patient in physical therapy for 9 months by the time summer rolled around, and initially it was a life-saver. But the pain plateaud around March no matter what I did. In fact, certain aspects of it were starting to get worse again. It was so depressing. It was so painful. It was so discouraging. I was starting to feel like it would never ever go away. Like I would never feel normal again. Like I would never feel well enough to have another baby. Like I would never be able to love this baby the way I wanted to, because it hurt to lift him, it hurt to hold him, it hurt to rock him.

That kind of pain... I wouldn't wish it on anyone. By the end of most days, it was debilitating physically. I couldn't find it in me to stand and make dinner or tidy up. But emotionally? The pain was devastating. I felt like I was missing out on those "pay off" moments of parenting. Sure, having a toddler is chaotic. But people say, oh, when they snuggle up on your lap or fall asleep in your arms, it's so worth it. I felt like I didn't have that. I'd never been able to hold my crying or sleeping baby without my body screaming in pain. So I went back to my Midwife and thus began two months of constant appointments in August and September.

Back to the pain management OB, back to get another ultrasound, back to acupuncture, ramp up the physical therapy visits. Meanwhile, onto all of Noah's one-year appointments: pediatrician, shots, ENT, audiology... And then, I'm not sure if this was a cause or effect of additional stress and anxiety, but abdominal pain started waking me up at night. So I had an endoscopy. I had more labs drawn. More ultrasounds. More appointments. And more medical bills. And more hopelessness. Feeling like I was getting nowhere, and just spinning pointlessly in a cycle of pain and debt.

After Noah was born, I spent a very long time focusing on Noah's needs and putting him at the center of my life. This summer, I started to feel stifled by those expectations, and started feeling like it wasn't fair that I never got a break. Like I was physically worn out. Like I needed a spa day or a vacation or... something. Every time something else spun out of control, I thought: I'm terrible at this. I'm terrible at being a mother. I cannot balance this. I cannot manage this. Those were the sermons I preached to myself: I can't. I just can't.

And maybe I wasn't sharing enough, or maybe I cry wolf too much, or maybe it's simply that no one in my life was able to speak into that for me, to point out Satan's lies, to look me in the eye and remind that me that God CAN. To say, "Remember every other time you've reached the end of yourself and God drew you out of the muck and mire? He's still there. He's always there, but how gracious would it be for you to invite Him to partake in this moment with you? Into this embarrassing season of feeling hopeless as a mother and desperate for physical relief."

But it took me months to get to that realization. Until then, I was just in endless dialogue with myself: It wasn't supposed to be like this! I wanted kids! We prayed and planned. I take care of babies for a living! I loved Noah more than life, and I COULD NOT HANDLE the feeling that I was failing him day in and day out. In the isolation borne out of a long, dark, cold, anxiety-ridden, sleep-deprived winter, I had no one to bounce these thoughts off of, nor the mental clarity or inner confidence to do so. I had no barometer of 'normal.' Just occasional and seemingly benign comments here and there from people who didn't-- couldn't-- understand. Those words hurt. And made me feel more inadequate. And more abnormal.

Then, blessedly shortly before Noah's birthday, something clicked and I thought: what if this doesn't have to be normal? What if it's pain AND ... ? What if I'm depressed? What if my hormones are so out of whack that even though I'm a year out, I have had postpartum depression this whole time?

I truly don't know where this thought came from, but some freedom came with it, immediately. What if it's not my fault!? What if it's not just because I'm not trying hard enough or balancing well enough or doing things just the right way? So I got a referral and filled out the counselor's paperwork, and I was shocked. Shocked. At how many boxes I checked. How many symptoms I had.

Like many new moms, I was given a postpartum depression quiz shortly after Noah was born, when I was tired and sore, but also still riding the endorphin train. It's supposed to be hard at that point! I totally expected that! I did not expect to feel almost exactly the same, physically and mentally, a year later. I have no idea why I didn't think to take the survey again in the middle of December, when I dreaded going to bed only to be woken up every hour. When family obligations felt like a physical weight in my sleep-deprived state. When the long days started at 4am and I truly didn't know how I'd get through them in our drafty, unfinished house. (I don't know how I did, actually. I don't even remember.)

So in August, when the counselor tallied up my postpartum depression score, looked right at me, and said, "how did you get to this side of winter? How were alarm bells not going off everywhere?" I felt the weight start to lift. She said, "of course, the Scale is just a tool, and not necessarily diagnostic, but these scores suggest that you were terribly, frighteningly depressed. How did you get to the other side?!"

At those words, I wanted to cry tears of relief. Those feelings hadn't been normal! I wasn't inadequate for feeling like I was trapped and unable to talk myself out of it! But also, I saw God's hand. How had my depression score dropped from 24/30 to 11/30 in 4 months? Time helps. Sleep helps. Perspective helps (some of those extra-hard weeks really were just a phase). Sunlight helps. Exercise helps. A balanced diet helps. But really when it comes down to it, it's not hard for me to see that God was gracious and he removed me just far enough from the forest that I could see the trees again. I had been lost in a very dark place, and I couldn't recognize that because all I could see was this sleepless night, or that cranky day, or this extra-painful week. But once I could see the big picture, I could ask for help. More importantly, I could RECEIVE help for what it was, instead of a threat to my sense of capability.

When I think back to that symptom checklist, I think I was most shocked at the reality of the line I checked and starred near the end of the list: This is the worst that I have ever felt. When I saw that truth for what it was, and when I let it sink it, it hurt. Last winter was worse than being 15 and anorexic. It was worse than being depressed senior year of high school when I couldn't get out of bed and couldn't do school and cried about everything. It was worse than freshman year of college when all that unresolved depression left me unmoored and unable to recognize this girl who couldn't just sit down and study like she needed to. Worse than the bad breakups that haunted me. Worse than the hardest days of marriage.

The worst I'd ever felt... not only was that a bold statement in a season that I thought would signify that hard times were behind us, it was a disappointing realization in itself to feel this way during what I'd always envisioned to be one of the happiest times of my life. To be sure, the happiness did come in bits and pieces, slowly, and then all at once. Big love is winning over big heartache. Today, the exhausting is from keeping up with an active toddler and not from sleepless nights. And the joy... it overwhelms me at times. Our child is a delight, and I'm so grateful that he's ours, but there are a lot of things I would be tempted to change about the first year, if I could. (Things about myself, not about Noah.)

But I can't. Instead, this fall I started saying no to some things, but yes to others. No to the old job. No to a semester of Gospel Community. Yes to the support group, yes to MOPS, yes to spending allthemoney on acupuncture in a last-ditch effort to ease my physical pain.  Each of these steps would normally have felt very vulnerable, but for some reason they just weren't. I had nothing left to lose. What I was doing-- surviving-- wasn't working.

It was a breath of fresh air to sit at a table with other moms at my first MOPS meeting, toddlers safely tucked away in the childcare rooms, and to hear that God promises to send his people out in joy and lead them forth in peace (Isaiah 55). I thought, what a perfect way to end this summer. There IS more. There's joy to look forward to. There's peace regardless of circumstances.

Because now I see. Joy is not something to be attained. It's something to be received. A gift freely given, but often turned down in the pursuit of happiness. Here's the thing about reaching the end of yourself: depravity can be fruitful. God can plant the seeds for a harvest of plenty in the most barren soil. In our time of need, he loves to show us that he loves us. As a parent, I've garnered a new appreciation for the way God calls us to seek him for rest, comfort, reassurance, guidance. I can learn to give well as a parent when I, in, turn, receive these gifts as a beloved child.

I'm starting to get excited about motherhood as an opportunity to be enjoyed (as I first envisioned it) and not just an obligation to be feared (as I came to feel it). It's an opportunity to see God work in a new way. An opportunity to make new friends and have new eyes and, most of all, a new heart. A heart of freedom and not of burden.

I'm thankful for those uncomplicated moments this summer when I started to see myself in there again. After being buried for so long, it feels like catching a glimpse of a friend in the mirror when I say yes to the spontaneous outdoor concert, when I reach out to a neighbor and let our kids run around while we talk about everything we have in common, or when I'm running errands alone in the evening, car-dancing to CDs of music from high school. In those moments, I find a certain lightness of being, a simplicity, a reassurance, a whisper of hope. All is not lost. God can rebuild the years the locusts have eaten.

No-Nonsense Guide to Cloth Diapers

I've had enough friends ask me about cloth diapers that I thought it'd be fun to write a little post about it! Cloth diapering sounds simple at first, until you look into it. And then, if you're like me, you freak the heck out because there are so many acronyms, and so many options, and so many brands. So I've tried to break it down into categories that make sense in my mind. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask me in real life! I love talking about diapers.

Okay first, some disclaimers:

1. I'm one year into this adventure, and still learning. I'm sure my techniques and preferences will continue to change over time. I can say that cloth diapering a 14 month old feels manageable and, dare I say, fun right now! But if you see any egregious errors here, please let me know. I'm still learning, too!

2. Cloth diapering is in no way a moral imperative. People can get mighty opinionated about the million and one different ways their neighbor chooses to parent differently than them, but I'm learning to let it all roll off my back (and I'm trying to not let my excitement or personal preference come across sounding like "shoulds" or "have-tos"). For us, cloth diapering started as a way to save money. After finding out that our preferences leaned toward more expensive, quicker-to-change diapers, I'd say we broke even the first year when you compare the cost of disposables to the cost of cloth. But I'm looking forward to the savings this second year and beyond! Also? No. poop. blowouts when you use cloth. I'm not even kidding. The only out-the-legs, up-the-back blowouts we've had have been in disposables!

Basics 

So everything cloth that you put on your baby's bum is going to consist of two parts: an absorbent part on the inside, and a water-resistant cover on the outside. Some diapers employ these two parts separately so you can mix and match and reuse and your leisure. Others come with everything sewn together and ready to go (see Types of Diapers below for more details).

Fabrics

The absorbent part of the diaper can consist of natural fibers (cotton, bamboo, hemp) or synthetic fibers (microfiber). People tend to develop pretty strong opinions here. Microfiber tends to be less expensive, but more bulky. My personal preference tends to lean toward natural fibers. They clean easier in my front-loading washer with hard water, and they're more trim yet more absorbent. Also, note that microfiber shouldn't be placed directly against baby's skin. It can cause irritation and dry their skin out quickly.

Most diaper covers consist of PUL (polyurethane laminate) or TPU (thermoplastic polyurethane). Wool covers are gaining popularity as well, and people who use them love them. I haven't ventured into that world yet! 

Types of Diapers 

When I initially looked into cloth diapers, I think all of these options and acronyms scared me the most. What I wish I'd known then was that I had a LOCAL DIAPER STORE that provides TRIAL PACKAGES. Nothing compared to being able to see and handle different styles of diapers, and when I did finally splurge on it, the trial package was invaluable for an indecisive person like myself. Ross and I agreed pretty quickly which diapers in the trial package were our favorites, and I was more than happy to return the ones we were less than in love with. Just remember, there's no right or wrong answer here. You can absolutely mix and match, and you'll likely find that you prefer one type of diaper for play, one type for naps, one type for nighttime, etc. There's no wrong answer; just personal preference.

1. Prefolds- These are the white, rectangular, old-school cloth diapers, and definitely the cheapest option out there. They are worn with a cover over them. You can change as many prefolds as you need to throughout the day and just alternate between two covers, letting the covers take turns drying out between diaper changes. You can Google all sorts of traditional or fancy folds, fasten these diapers (or not) with a Snappi or old fashioned diaper pins, and put a cover over it all. I did prefolds for a month or two, and didn't mind them at first. They're a little bulkier than other options, especially on a tiny baby. But once Noah wasn't a tiny baby, he rolled around too much during diaper changes for me to want to mess with these. Plenty of people actually just fold prefolds into thirds, lay them in a liner, and snap the cover over it, but that always got messy for me in the event of a poppy diaper.

2. Pockets- Just what it sounds like. The waterproof liner is sewn together with fabric on the inside in such a way that creates a pocket in which you place the absorbent materials, or inserts. Different brands have different iterations of inserts, but they all basically work the same way: stuff the material in the pocket, put it on the kid, and you're good to go. Many people are obsessed with pocket diapers because they like the variability: you can put extra layers in for naps, at night, etc. The pocket material is often very soft and has a stay-dry element against baby's skin. However, we've personally had issues with leakage with pockets... Noah will somehow pee on the one corner of fabric that isn't stuffed with the pad, the liquid eventually soaks through the water-resistant lining, and we end up with wet clothes. Again, I know plenty of people who swear by pockets, so don't let me sway you away! I will admit that they're easier to clean poop off of, but not to the extent that it makes me want to stuff pockets all day long.

3. Fitteds- These are diapers made out of prefold material, but cut and sewn in a way that provides elastic around the legs and waist. They provide more "square footage" of absorbent material than any other style, and require a cover of some sort. They're often soft and deliciously fluffy on the bum. Fairly bulky, but that's because they're purely absorbent material and great for nighttime.

4. All-in-Twos (AI2)/Hybrids- A two-part system consisting of a water-resistant outer shell and a detachable insert. The inserts usually snap in (ex: GroVia shells and soakers), or can be tucked in (ex: BumGenius Flip system)

5. All-in-ones (AIOs)- These diapers are the most user-friendly since the absorbent material is sown to the cover. You don't have to fold or stuff anything-- just put it on and go!

Variables

1. Sizing

It seems like more and more diapers offer a "one-size fits most" option, with rise snaps allowing the diaper to grow with most kiddos between 12-35 lbs.

Sized diapers usually come in newborn, 1, 2, and 3 based on weight.

2. Snaps versus hook-and-loop

Hook-and-loop is just the generic name for Velcro-type tabs. Some diaper brands offer a choice between snap or hook-and-loop closures, and again, this comes down to personal preference. Velcro is more user-friendly, faster to change, and feels more familiar to disposable diaper users. But you do have to remember to fold the tabs down over themselves when you take the dirty diaper off, lest you snag something in the wash. And not all hook-and-loop diapers are created equal. Some brands are much more durable than others. Many people feel that snaps are just stronger, and last longer. But again, personal preference. Both can be replaced fairly easily by someone who knows what they're doing, if the closure malfunctions but the diaper still has a lot of life left.

3. Doublers/soakers/boosters/inserts/etc

Usually you need more than a few layers of cloth to really soak up urine after the newborn days, so many fitted or all-in-one diapers come with doublers or soakers. These are essentially just extra layers of fabric, and they can be sewn, stuffed, snapped, or laid into the diaper, depending on the brand. For a long time, all the variability in these weird flaps and snaps really threw me off. Just keep in mind, they all essentially do the same thing, and it comes down to personal preference in the end.

4. Liners

Totally optional for the poop that isn't "ploppable." We used disposable liners for a while, but then switched to stay-dry fleece liners. The poop tends to rinse off of the liners easier than it does from the natural fibers we've used, so it's nice to have some on hand. Some babies also really really hate wet diapers, and the fleece liner can help keep them feeling dry. I believe there are also silk stay-dry liners out there? We haven't really used them, though.

Accessories

Diaper sprayer: I resisted this for a LONG time, but the Spraypal holder and the Aquaus sprayer became my friends when we started dealing with legitimate toddler poo after Noah turned 1.

Diaper pail: We use a Simple Human trash can with a footpedal and a lid that closes securely. I've never once been knocked over by the fumes like you get with a Diaper Genie, and Noah's bedroom NEVER smells like dirty diapers, unless he has an active one on his bottom after nap time.

Diaper pail liners: I have zero complaints about our Planet Wise pail liners. When it's laundry time, I pull the whole thing out of the pail, and turn the bag + its contents inside out into the washing machine. I doubt there's anything magical about this brand in particular, though.

Wet Bags: still haven't found one I'm totally in love with. I'd love to hear what you use! This is where you put wet/dirty cloth diapers when you change them while out and about, at daycare, etc. I've also heard they make great pool bags for wet swim clothes when kids get older. I have my eye on a fancy Logan & Lenora bag for the next kid. So far, it seems like you get what you pay for with wet bags and I've used and discarded 3 of them now.

Wool Balls: 2-3 of these in the dryer helps move everything around and promote air flow a little better. If the load of diapers was especially stinky, I will occasionally add a drop of essential oil to the wool balls to freshen things up, although the diapers shouldn't really smell anything but clean out of the washer.

Cloth Wipes: I never could go there, but plenty of people do!

Diaper Ointment: General rule of thumb is that if the rash persists beyond 1-2 diaper changes, it's worth consulting your pediatrician. If the rash clears up in disposables, but comes back in cloth, it's worth revisiting your wash routine, as well. There may be leftover detergent irritating baby's skin, or your diapers may not be getting clean enough. When it comes to general irritation from a wet diaper that stayed on too long, or from a food that was irritating to Noah's GI tract and bum, I love Grandma El's diaper ointment. It really works!

Wash routine

For those who are afraid of putting poop in your washing machine, rest assured that solid waste is disposed of in the toilet or trash, not the machine. I spray the poop into the toilet, wring out the water, and throw the diaper in the diaper pail. Like I mentioned above, blowouts happen in disposable diapers, so you're going to either be putting poop-stained diapers in the washer, or poop-stained clothes. Let's not pretend that poop doesn't come with the territory one way or another!

Fluff Love University's website has a ton of washing info for hard water, soft water, washer types, etc. Individual diaper brands will also often work with you to find the best wash routine for their materials.

I was diapers every second or third day. I have a front-loading HE washing machine and very hard water. I have, at different times, tried adding Calgon, Borax, or Lulu's Glamour Wash for Hard Water to my pre-wash or main wash (the most effective was 1.5 Tbs of Lulu's in the pre-wash,  and another 1 Tbs in the main wash with 1 line of Tide, but when I ran out of Lulu's I realized I didn't really notice THAT much of a difference). I've tried multiple detergents, liquid and powder, scented and unscented, and here's where I was when we potty-trained at 27 months:

I only use Tide Original powder now, and when I throw the diapers in the wash, I fill the Tide scoop to line 1 with detergent, and set it on top of the washer.

1.) Cold rinse

2.) Warm water Quick Wash with maybe 1/4 of the detergent I pre-measured. I just dump a bit of it into the detergent dispenser of our machine. If it's a really stinky load, I will use a little less than 1/4 cup of Bac Out in the main barrel of wash, as well.

3.) Hot water Heavy cycle with the rest of the Tide powder in the scooper

4.) Cool rinse cycle

5.) Dry for 40 minutes on Low heat with 2 wool dryer balls, and then hang on a drying rack to finish drying. Alternately, you can dry them in sun, as needed, if you have poop stains.

Once every month or two, I throw all the clean diapers into the washer and wash them with just GroVia Mighty Bubbles to get rid of inevitable detergent and hard-water residue.



UPDATE May 2016: As we approach Noah's second birthday, our stash is comprised of 4 nighttime diapers with 4 covers, 4 nap diapers, and 17 daytime diapers (we also have 2 sets of smaller nighttime diapers in storage). Here's what we're using:

Overnight... Sloomb Sustainablebabyish Overnight Bamboo Fitteds with Blueberry Capri or Coverall covers. Noah weighs 32+ pounds and we haven't had an overnight leak with this combo.

Daytime... Smartbottoms AIOs are our go-to daily diapers and they fit Noah perfectly, but we're starting to push the size limit on them. They're still in great condition and they age well. I'll definitely get more if/when we have another kiddo and need to replace things from our current stash.

Daytime... GroVia AI2 covers with stay-dry snap-in inserts. We've had a few of these for a while, and I was always ambivalent about them. But the more we use them, the more I LOVE them. If/when we have another baby, I will be buying a few more of these for sure. They just fit so well.

Daytime... BumGenius Elementals-- where do I begin?! These were the diapers I wanted to love the most. Their design is such that they just seem to wash cleaner than anything else. (Meaning I can't imagine poop particles hiding in places I can't see). But they just don't seem to be made out of high-quality material. The PUL wears out very easily, and the elastics are getting noticeably looser, much sooner than any of our other diapers. Of course, this happens when Noah finally fits into them well. They were so wide and bulky in the beginning, and now that they fit they seem to be wearing out. With the next baby, I'll probably tuck these away and only get them out again after the first 18 months or so.

Naps... I'm in love with the combo of a Blueberry Simplex stuffed with a Funky Fluff hemp boosters. The booster's shape makes it easy to stuff, and it's thin but ABSORBANT. We've actually used this combo as a nighttime diaper in a pinch, and so far it has held everything in!

Swim... Honestly, you can probably use any brand you like. You just need something that fits well, to hold any solid waste in. We used an iPlay diper from Target last year, I've used Grovia covers plenty of times, and I've heard Honest Company has some cute swim diapers, too. We ended up buying an AppleCheeks swim diaper this summer, though, because I love the way they fit even though I don't love that their only dry-land diaper is a pocket diaper.

UPDATE September 2016:

Oh Crap! Potty Training is the best parenting book ever. How are we at the potty training stage already?! It took 4 days for Noah to pee and poop in the toilet consistently at home with a bare bottoms, and about 3-4 weeks for him to truly get the hang of it while wearing clothes (commando) and running errands. He still wears diapers for naps, nighttime, and at Parent's Day Out once a week. Still figuring out how to use cloth in this stage, which means going back and forth between cloth and disposables.

Another New Job

I got a new job. Again? Right. I'm now a lactation nurse (training to be a Lactation Consultant) at the same hospital I've been working at since January. So let's call it a department transfer instead of a new job, because that sounds less jarring. Although in fact, it has been the least jarring of all the new job transitions I've had in the last two years: Birth Center, NICU at a Missouri hospital, new mom, NICU at a Kansas Hospital, and now this.

This new job requires a bunch of work upfront: 70 CEUs in addition to the Breastfeeding Educator Certificate I earned in 2012, another job orientation, an international board exam, and the costs that come with all of the above. But the payoff will be huge. Working toward being a Lactation Consultant (a nursing specialty at my hospital) is a really good fit for me right now. No more night shift, no more getting cancelled due to low census, no more going 24 hours without seeing Noah. A more predictable schedule with slightly shorter shifts is a God-send. I love the NICU and always will, but working there PRN was not the right fit for me. I missed the relationships with the parents that you can only form when you're the primary nurse there day in and day out. I hated being the random nurse they'd never seen before. I didn't like feeling uncomfortable around sicker babies, since I wasn't taking care of them as often.

Transferring to the lactation department was a no-brainer. I mean, I'm a nursing mom. This IS what I do for a living. Why not get paid to help other moms do the same?

Durango Chicken

I was blown away with the generosity of friends and family after Noah was born. I was so afraid that gluten-free, dairy-free (with the exception of butter) post-partum meals would be too intimidating for people. But wow, we ate like kings for a few weeks there!

One meal in particular struck me as super easy to make, as well as comforting and delicious, and I find myself making it over and over.

Just wanted to record it here, since it's one of our new favorites.

Durango Chicken
(originally from Lindsay Lady)

4 chicken boneless, skinless chicken breasts pounded to even thinness
Juice of 2 lemons (I often just use 1-2 Tbs of lemon juice)
1/2 cup of melted butter
1 Tablespoon paprika
1 Tablespoon oregano
1 teaspoon garlic powder

1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees.
2. Melt the butter and add the lemon juice, paprika, oregano, and garlic.
3. Dip the chicken into the butter mixture in an oven-safe dish, making sure both sides are covered.
4. Cover the dish and store in the fridge for up to 6 hours before baking.
5. Bake for about 30 minutes or until the chicken is done.

My friend brought this meal over with cooked wild rice* and a side of canned green beans with minced onion and garlic. Such a delicious combo! The rice makes a great vehicle for the leftover cooked butter sauce, too!

*Also something I learned from my post-partum meals: did you know you can cook rice like pasta?! Life. Changing.

Escape Artist

Here's something that happened yesterday: my kid escaped the HOUSE. Not just the room, or the crib, or the high chair. The actual house.

In the moment, it was so scary, and I was so guilt-ridden afterward. But thank GOD none of the 'what-ifs' happened, and in the end we're left with a funny little story that depicts Noah's personality well.

So we have a tiny house. The general living space is just two rooms: the kitchen and living room. Two bedrooms and a bathroom are blocked off by a baby gate, and one bedroom is blocked off as long as we keep that door closed.

Yesterday, Ross and I were prepping some food for the week. Oven on, blenders going, etc. Noah was crawling and walking around, making messes like he loves to do, and occasionally coming into the kitchen with us to bang some pots and pans around.

At one point, Noah crawled out of sight, back into the living room, and we didn't think anything of it. Then I noticed he'd been quiet for a minute, so I went to look for him, assuming we'd left a door or gate open and he was playing quietly in a room he shouldn't be in (funny how babies get quiet when they do something they know they shouldn't be doing...). I didn't see him in the living room, the baby gate was locked, and the bedroom door was closed. My heart skipped a beat. Something told me to look outside, AND THERE WAS MY BABY. WITH HIS WALKING TOY. TODDLING DOWN THE DRIVEWAY LIKE IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

What?!

I mean, we leave the front door open when we're home because we have a glass door in front of it that latches shut. Now, sometimes if we're not careful, the door doesn't latch completely, although we got pretty good about double-checking it once Noah became mobile. BUT even when it's unlatched, the door is really heavy for a one-year-old. In fact, as a matter of interest, I decided to see if he could replicate his escape, and he could not. On the first try, he got stuck when the door kept closing on him, and on the second try, the door knocked him down. (This was not a violent experiment, by the way. The door is not heavy enough to hurt him, and we were right there. Errr. This time.)

But. Assuming he gets past the door, he still has two concrete steps to navigate, without railings. We know he can crawl down stairs backwards, but walking? It's truly a miracle that he didn't fall and crack his head open. And a miracle that I got out there right as he was making a beeline for the street. The mind boggles at the potential for disaster here.

How he did this all, flawlessly, in literally less than two minutes, is beyond me. The only thing we can figure, is that Noah somehow noticed that the glass door wasn't closed all the way, saw a window of opportunity, grabbed his trusty walker, and made a beeline for the door, Platform 9 3/4-style. The wind must've somehow caught the door, held it open, and closed it softly, because even over the noise of the blender, you'd think we'd hear the door slamming shut. Then he must've used the walker to help him down the stairs (he can totally walk without it, and often lifts it up to change directions when he's pushing it around). Finally, even though he cries when I go outside without him to get something out of the car, he must not have cared that he was outside without me.



This kid.

Toddler-Approved Breakfast Cookies

Since Noah can't tolerate dairy, I'm a little bit obsessed with finding other ways to be sure he still gets enough healthy fats. Because, well, Mama can't breastfeed forever.

Anyway, these cookies totally fit the bill. And he loves them! In fact, if I take one away to warm it up in the microwave, he cries actual real tears.


Toddler-Approved Breakfast Cookies
 makes 2 dozen cookies

1 1/2 cups pumpkin puree (may also use equivalent amount of applesauce or mashed bananas)
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
1/3 cup softened coconut oil (butter would work, too)
2 cups rolled oats
2/3 cup almond meal
1/3 cup coconut (shredded, dried, unsweetened)
1/2 teaspoon fine grain sea salt
1 teaspoon baking powder

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a large bowl combine the pumpkin, egg, vanilla extract, and coconut oil. Add oats, almond meal, coconut, salt, and baking powder and mix well. The dough isn't as sticky as normal cookie dough, so a cookie scoop works wonders here. If you don't have one, form Tablespoon-sized balls of dough to put on a lined cookie sheet and flatten with a fork. These cookies don't really fluff up, but that's okay!

Bake for 12-15 minutes.

Life with a One Year Old

Here's a snapshot of one of our days, so I can remember what this fleeting time looks like. We were in a routine for about two months there, but in the last week, Noah has showed signs of being ready to change again, especially in regards to napping.

0515: Noah is up! I let him talk in his crib for 5 minutes, but then he starts to fuss and it's clear he isn't going back to sleep. I go get him and nurse him.

0545: Put baby back in the crib to see if he will fall asleep. He acts like he wants to, but never does.

0615: Ross finally gets Noah and feeds him breakfast and I get to go back to sleep!!! Noah's breakfast has been pretty consistent the past two months, and it's huge:
-1 banana (yup, the whole thing disappears so quickly)
-1 Paleo muffin (I try to change up flavors, but I always go with a Paleo recipe because they're higher in fat and lower in sugar)
-1/4 cup thawed smoothie of pureed mango, pineapple, coconut, and strawberry (organic tropical fruit mix from Target with 1/4 cup of shredded unsweetened coconut added in. I make two weeks' worth at a time, and I add spinach, too, if I remember) + 1/4 cup baby oatmeal

0730: I wake up to Noah crawling around like a madman. I love that pitter patter. He's always so happy to be awake in the morning! I get up and Ross leaves for work. That extra sleep was a luxury today!

0745: Noah very intentionally crawls over to his stroller, stands up, puts a hand on the seat, and looks at me. Kid is a creature of habit, just like his mom! Time for our morning walk. I transfer my mueslix to a coffee mug so I can eat while we walk.

0845: 2 miles down. I love the golden, quiet coolness of summer mornings! And we now have a very sleepy baby on our hands. I nurse him quickly, and put him in his crib super drowsy.

0900-1000: Noah falls asleep after about 10 minutes, but only sleeps for 10 minutes! I leave him in his crib for the allotted hour, but he never does fall back asleep, so I get him up and he nurses again.

1015: First lunch! Noah eats some puffs and a pouch of pureed salmon, quinoa, and veggies.

1030: Some friends invited us to the pool, and I guess the perk of no nap is that we get to go! Time for swim diapers and (torture) sunscreen.

1050-noon: Noah splashes around in the baby pool, perfectly content to play with a shovel and bucket with occasional crawling or walking breaks to find a new spot to sit. At one point, he found a water jet, but it was a little to strong to keep him interested. He also played in the nearby sand. Looks like he's not afraid of it like he was in Hawaii!

1215: Home again, home again. I nurse Noah and he falls asleep in my arms while I'm taking him to his room! Almost never happens, so I sit for a bit and snuggle until he's fast asleep. I cherish those sweet little snores, and I'm sad my back hurt too much to hold him for his whole nap.

1245: I finally lay him in his crib. He wakes up briefly, but falls back asleep while I'm warming up my lunch.

1415: Noah is up after 1.5-2 hours. Not exactly the epic nap I was hoping for, given his lack of a real morning nap.

1420: Nurse

1445: Second lunch. Noah has one toddler cookie with some peanut butter on it and a few green beans. After lunch, he plays for a bit.

1515: Leave for the chiropractor. Noah pulls all the books off the shelf while I get adjusted. We stay for a while afterwards because Noah LOVES to play with their play kitchen.

1700: Arrive home with a VERY cranky baby. He's moaning and groaning with one side of his mouth held shut. Poor teething baby.

1720: Noah gets dinner: a meatloaf muffin, some olives, some hemp milk, and a few strawberry slices.

1740: Dad's home! And Noah is still cranky. He has a temp of 101.8, so he gets some Advil and then it's bath time. So much splashing and talking!

1800: Out of the tub. Diapering and pajama-ing is a two person job these days.

1815: Nurse

1845: Ross reads Noah a story and puts him in bed.

1900: Baby is asleep!