I can't really say I've "popped," because the uterus is still in the pelvic cavity technically. I don't know if it's hormones or bloating or what, but even though baby is the size of a raspberry I am very aware that in fitted clothing, I look pregnant. I can mostly fit into my normal pants, and all of my workout clothes, but the exception is the few "hard shorts" (as Isaac calls them, versus "fluffy pants") I own. So I did wear maternity shorts to the 4th of July. Anyway, if it's fitted, my belly looks round enough for me to be aware that I'm playing a fool's game, trying to keep this secret in swimsuit season, so I find myself reaching for dresses and loose tops this week!
Not that we are trying to keep it a secret, per se. We are thrilled to be having this baby no matter what, and I feel significantly healthier and younger than I have in ten years, so I'm not concerned about my age. But find that I am still working through concern about what other people might say or think about my age. I'm tempted to wait to announce until the NIPT test comes back (please God) clear and we can share THAT news PLUS boy or girl PLUS pregnancy announcement all at once. But that may be wishful thinking.
Anyway, might as well start chronologically with this week since it's felt really busy and chaotic. On Friday, I had some spotting. Just a small amount, but turns out my heart will never NOT sink seeing blood in pregnancy, even though my last miscarriage was 11 years ago. Of course, it was at 5pm on a Friday. I called L and D and our local hospital and the nurse was like, well, I'll text your doctor but he's probably just going to say go to the ER or wait 'til Monday. I knew it wasn't an ER situation, so I was trying to wrap my head around waiting til Monday, BUT my doctor, being who he is, postponed his Friday evening plans, came back into town, and did an ultrasound in which baby was measuring exactly at 7 weeks and 2 days with a heart rate of 176 and I was instantly relieved. I slept so well Friday night after seeing baby growing and thriving, and didn't have any more bleeding over the weekend. We had a busy morning Saturday, and it's SO HOT right now, I appreciated being able to rest mostly horizontal all Saturday afternoon.
Then I worked a 12-hour shift Sunday which is so much harder than a Saturday. It just catapults me into the week feeling like I didn't get to catch my breath. So pregnancy fatigue + nausea + heat + launching into the busiest week of summer has been rough, but I feel like I'm actually coping pretty well.
I had follow-up labs yesterday and my progesterone was up to 30 and my TSH was down to 1.75, so I think in general, capacity-maxing is going well, and I've been taking good care of myself up until this week of chaos. Workouts have dropped a little in the past two weeks, although I'm getting plenty of steps in. I'm eating well. Fresh fruit season is EVERYTHING wonderful in the world right now. Homeopathy helped a lot with nausea over the weekend, and I'm realizing that also staying hydrated with electrolytes and eating every 2 hours helps a ton as well. Amazing, really, that this is the least nausea I've experienced with any pregnancy and I'm so grateful it's so manageable. And now that I've seen the ultrasound and know that it's not due to lack of pregnancy progression, I'm even MORE thankful!
Still averse to coffee, anything that smells or tastes smoky, and fatty meat.
But the best thing I ate this past week was actually a chocolate cupcake with chocolate frosting which is so funny because I historically crave chocolate cake with chocolate frosting when my babies are going through breastfeeding growth spurts. But as my friend Lauren said on our morning walk this weekend, "growing eyeballs in the beginning of pregnancy seems like harder work than just adding on a few ounces of baby fat at the end of pregnancy" and it's so true. My body is doing a lot right now, and it's doing it well. I can't always catch a daytime break this week, but I'm going to bed when the kids do and I'm grateful Ross stays up to do to the dishes and such when I really just can't right now.
Last night I was awake for two hours in the middle of the night until I FINALLY just got up to pee (again... OMG it's at least 3 times a night) and went downstairs for more water and a protein bar and fell back asleep. The big kids have camp at Lauritzen this week, so Isaac and I had a BUSY two days of Mama/Isaac time and driving around Omaha and getting lots of steps in, in the heat. I feel like I'm eating all the time but I guess I didn't eat enough yesterday. But I AM eating up this delightful stage of 4-year-old-boy-mom life. Isaac is so talkative and so enthusiastic and as much as he loves babies, I think it is going to be quite a change for him to NOT be the baby, so I'm soaking up this time and his snuggles.
Overall this week, I've felt tired and nauseous basically every other day. The in-between days, I try to take advantage of the energy and appetite. This time with Isaac has been making me a little anxious about the heart-expansion and energy-expansion to come, even though I know it will. Today I went to Mr. Daly's funeral (my high school homeroom and English teacher). It was sweet and reflective, and he had chosen some good readings and Robert Frost's Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening for his program. The priest talked about the capacity to be present with Jesus and abide with him as a relational skill, and how the cause of our downfall (mortality) might also become the means of our salvation. Furthermore, we can only offer to God what he has already given to us (body and blood).
It was reflective of my Made for This pregnancy app this morning talking about how "the union of husband and wife is designed to, at the will of God, culminate in the creating and birth of a new living person, a unique and unrepeatable son or daughter. This new human person is the living fruit of their love. What a glorious and profound mystery to ponder! Pregnancy and birth, then, are also designed to flow from, and contribute toward, the union of man and wife. The time of pregnancy should e one where you and your husband grow in intimacy, sacrifice, and pure love, as that fruit of your union literally grows within you. But this isn't always easy not does it always come naturally... Because the time of pregnancy is so potent in a marriage, it may also be a time that the evil one wants to attack. So also be aware of spiritual battles that may start to flare: old wounds that pop up, extra stressors coming out of nowhere, or mental or emotional struggles that being to swirl and pull you away from each other. Commit to offering part of the sacrifices of pregnancy up for him and for your marriage. Be patient with him as he grows into this role of fathering this new baby. Try to remember that he is learning, too, and that you are both on the same team. He is not the enemy, but the real enemy would love for you to think that!"
Anyway, the funeral today was a balm to those little whispers from Satan that I'm in over my head or that I'm doing the family a disservice, when Mr. Daly's youngest brother (by ten years), got up and spoke about how he was the surprise 8th child, born when his dad was 51 (if I'm doing the math right) and went on to share what a wonderful brother Danny was, even with the ten year age gap.
I'm getting back into Spurgeon's Morning and Evening devotional, which feels really grounding and full-circle since I was consistent with it when I was pregnant and postpartum with Noah.
Today I accidentally read tomorrow's morning reading (did I mention this week has felt chaotic) but it just so perfectly summarized what I've been learning about motherhood, which is that we never fully arrive:
"Morning by morning they gathered it." -Exodous 16:21.
Labour to maintain a sense of thine entire dependence upon the Lord's good will and pleasure for the continuance of thy richest enjoyments. Never try to live on the old manna, nor seek to find help in Egypt. All must come from Jesus, or thou art undone forever. Old anointings will not suffice to impart unction to thy spirit; thine head must have fresh oil poured upon it from the golden horn of the sanctuary, or it will cease from its glory.
To-day thou mayest be upon the summit of the mount of God, but he who has put thee there must keep thee there, or thou wilt sink far more speedily than thou dreamest. Thy mountain only stands firm when he settles it in its place; if he hide his face, thou wilt soon be troubled. If the Saviour should see fit, there is not a window through which thou seest the light of heaven which he could not darken in an instant. Joshua bade the sun stand still, but Jesus can shroud it in total darkness. He can withdraw the joy of thine heart, the light of thine eyes, and the strength of thy life; in his hand thy comforts lie, and at his will they can depart from thee.
This hourly dependence our Lord is determined that we shall feel and recognize, for he only permits us to pray for "daily bread," and only promises that "as our days our strength shall be." Is it not best for us that it should be so, that we may often repair to his throne, and constantly be reminded of his love? Oh! how rich the grace which supplies us so continually, and doth not refrain itself because of our ingratitude! The golden shower never ceases, the cloud of blessing tarries evermore above our habitation. O Lord Jesus, we would bow at thy feet, conscious of our utter inability to do anything without thee, and in every favour which we are privileged to receive, we would adore thy blessed name and acknowledge thine unexhausted love.
