Sunday, October 24, 2021

Sweet Potato, Onion, and Italian Sausage Sheet Pan Dinner

This is not a perfectly exact recipe, because it doesn't need to be. So stinking easy, and my kids say it smells like pizza while it's baking!

Ingredients:

2 packages sweet Italian chicken sausage links, sliced into 1/2 inch segments

2 bags frozen, pre-cubed sweet potatoes (or roughly 3-4 large sweet potatoes, peeled and cubed)

1 yellow onion, very coarsely chopped

1-2 Tbs avocado or olive oil

salt and pepper to taste

Directions: 

1. Preheat oven to 425.

2. Line a large, rimmed baking sheet with parchment paper, dump all ingredients on the sheet pan and mix until everything is covered in oil.

3. Bake for 20 minutes, flip, and bake for another 20 minutes.

Pro-Metabolic Lactation Cookies

In the spirit of re-visiting some old blog recipes, I eat a little differently now than I used to and I needed to find a lactation cookie recipe without almond meal. Turns out, I like these even better than my old recipe!

Pro-Metabolic Lactation Cookies (makes about 24 cookies)

1 cup butter at room temp
1 cup organic white sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar or coconut sugar
2 large eggs
2 tsp vanilla
2 scoops collagen*
6 Tbs unfortified nutritional yeast or Brewer’s yeast**
1 1/2 cup cassava flour (or 2 cups white wheat flour)
2 cups organic quick oats
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1/2 - 1 cup chocolate chips

*I like Perfect Supplements brand 

**Nutritional Yeast and Brewer's Yeast have different flavors. I recommend adding to the batter slowly and tasting as you go if you're not used to baking with either of these.

1. Cream together butter, sugar, brown sugar, vanilla, and egg (don’t rush this step!)
2. Add nutritional yeast and collagen and stir until incorporated. 
3. Add cassava, oats, soda, salt, and mix well. Then fold in chocolate chips. 
4. Refrigerate dough for 30-60 minutes. (If you try skipping this step, let me know!)
5. Roll into balls and bake at 350F for 11-13 minutes.

For what it's worth, if you make 1 dozen cookies, each one contains 238 calories, 12g fat, 31g carbs, and 3.5g protein



FOR VARIETY:

Chocolate oat lactation cookies: Replace 2 Tbs cassava flour with 2 Tbs cocoa powder

Cinnamon raisin lactation cookies: Add 1 tsp cinnamon and replace chocolate chips with raisins

Gingerbread lactation cookies: Add 1 Tbs dried ginger, 2 tsp cinnamon, 1 scant tsp cloves, and replace 1/4 cup of brown sugar with blackstrap molasses

Spaghetti and Meatballs

Lately when I'm in the kitchen and my belly bumps up against the sink, I flashback to my water breaking with Rosie because that's when it happened. I was making dinner, went to wash my hands, and... then it happened. Only a few days ago did I realize I was making spaghetti with meat sauce for dinner that night. Which is sweet because Rosie's favorite dinner in the world is spaghetti and meatballs!

I have a modified meatball recipe on the blog here, but to be honest it's not the best. And when we had to go egg-free for Rosie, I couldn't use that recipe anyway. So here's a new meatball recipe that's easier and tastier!

Ingredients:

1 lb ground beef

1 lb ground pork

1/3 cup cassava flour

3/4 cup beef bone broth

1 Tbs salt

1 tsp onion powder

1 tsp garlic powder

1 tsp Italian seasoning blend

Noodles or bread of choice 

Instructions:

1. Preheat oven to 350. Mix the cassava flour, salt, and spices together in a small bowl.

2. Dump this mixture into a large mixing bowl with the broth and whisk until smooth.

3. Add ground meats and mix until everything is incorporated.

4. Roll into meatballs and lay them in one layer in a glass baking pan. Should make 20-25 meatballs.

5. Pour 1 jar spaghetti sauce on top of the meatballs and back at 350 for 25 minutes or until cooked through.

6. Serve on top of your favorite pasta noodles or some crusty bread for a meatball sandwich!

Thursday, October 21, 2021

34 weeks feels suddenly very real

Seven and a half years ago, I went from working full-time, often with more than one job, often with night shift and/or grad school thrown in, to majorly slowing down and staying home with my new baby Monday through Friday. At first, it didn't feel like slowing down because I had a colicky baby and postpartum anxiety and severe sleep deprivation. I still worked weekend nights, and we finagled it all without family in town or childcare, so I didn't have much downtime.

I eventually found a better weekend job that was life-giving and I put in literally thousands of hours, in the tiny margins of mothering, to become an IBCLC. It was maybe one of the first times I'd experienced the work being hard but joyful because I loved the material and it launched me into my dream job.

Then I started my own private practice in addition to hospital work, took a MOPS leadership position, and started growing another baby. Thus began a 4-year streak of over-functioning, to which I piled on physical illnesses, emotional distress, marital separation, and so many fluctuating iterations of working and momming. I felt like I was always frantic, never meeting anyone's actual expectations or needs, always disappointing the next person, my kids, myself...

That was a deep pit to climb out of. Expensive, too: financially, emotionally, and energetically. I am so different from that lost 29-year-old new mom now that it's hard to believe so (relatively) little time has passed. Now that first baby is a school-aged kid as tall as my shoulders. My medical chart says G5P2 and "advanced maternal age." Something about the time elapsed makes me feel like I should be a seasoned mom, like the last 7 years have been worth 70. They kind of have. The other night, Rosie asked what those lines on my forehead were. I've changed inside and out. Like I often tell my clients in the throes of postpartum struggles, some people have a steeper learning curve for motherhood than others. I'm totally willing to own that I know this from messy experience.

I'm not sure that I had any vision of what I wanted motherhood to look like 7 years in. On one hand, maybe that's good because for once I can't be disappointed when expectations aren't met. On the other hand, I think maybe I did have expectations for how it would feel. I didn't expect it to feel so hard. I didn't expect the tension between what I want my career to look like and what I want my mothering to look like to constantly feel at odds and require re-evaluation every 3 months. I'm always reminding myself that my identity isn't in my productivity OR in my kids. Yet each day feels like making a million tiny choices between those two things. And if I'm not really careful, I burn out and then choose to numb out and escape instead of pouring into something or someone I care about, or doing something that will actually be restorative for my tired heart.

So is it any wonder that I'm even more introspective than usual as I round the corner on the final weeks of this pregnancy? Baby seems to have finally committed to being head-down and I can feel that all 4-5 pounds of him have dropped into my pelvis this week. Suddenly there's a new urgency to everything. I'm accepting that night wake-ups, sore hips, and fatigue aren't going away any time soon.  New for me, I'm also willing to acknowledge that I'm kicking butt at homeschooling this year WHILST being tired and sore and pregnant. Not because I'm doing all the Pinterest-worthy things (or even some of them), but because we hit most subjects most days, and the kids and I actually have a rhythm for maybe one of the first times ever. I make mostly healthy food mostly three times a day. My house is slowly getting more organized when the nesting urge and windows of kid-free time outweigh the physical and emotional fatigue (don't mistake this for looking more clean if you come over unannounced).

Reframing things by looking at what I HAVE done well instead of what's still on my to-do list is one way I have learned to remind myself that it's enough to do what I've been given in a day. Even if it looks different from what I thought it would. Even it it looks different from my friends or that one person who surely has it all together. One moment at a time is all I can really offer.

I'm not saying I am "mother enough" or even that "motherhood is enough." I will always have room for improvement. I will always have an identity deeper than my roles and responsibilities. I will also probably always have a restless heart and big dreams as well. But I won't always have a curious 7 year old and a spunky 4 year old who think I hung the moon. I won't always have a house brimming with excitement over meeting the tiny person who will fill these freshly-washed baby clothes soon. I have a few more weeks of feeling these kicks and wiggles from the inside. I have another season of babyhood to look forward to. An opportunity I never expected to get.

Seemingly suddenly, 18 months after moving and the start of a pandemic, it feels like career opportunities and networking are finally happening, and I'm saying no. Not yet. And it gets a little easier each time I say it. Because instead of worrying about what I'm missing out on, I get to focus on what I'm saying yes to. This life season will never come again. Work opportunities will.

So while I never originally planned to homeschool at all, or even to "just" be a mom without working from or outside the home in some capacity, I find myself craving the rare days when that's "all" I have to do. I'm realizing that "all" is actually everything. This time, instead of trying to cram everything else in anyways, I'm going to listen and slow down. And slow down some more. (The shifting calendar season helps so much.) I trust that when the time is right to ramp things up again, I'll feel that tug too. 

One important part of trauma recovery has been learning to live in the grey. I'm not nearly as stuck in the black and white as I felt for so long. I have worked harder than I've ever worked at anything to simply get to where we are today: I like my husband. My kids are safe. We live near family. It's all so far from perfect, but it took consistent little choices as well as some big scary ones to get here. And I'll be darned if I'm going to shame myself out of sitting right here and enjoying it, bleary eyes and medical bills and bickering kids and all.

Sunday, October 17, 2021

Day in the Life: 33 Weeks Pregnant (almost 3 kids!)

Noah (7) and Rosie (4) are at ages where they are capable of playing nicely with each other and entertaining themselves. When this does happen, I mildly freak out about diving back into the newborn period. But I KNOW the sweetness will make up for the chaos. (As I type this, I'm breaking up a fight, so.... the moments of calm are short lived even now!) But I want to remember these relatively "calmer" days. Today I turn 33 weeks pregnant and -ish is getting REAL. I miss being able to bend at the waist and take a full breath. The last few weeks are going to fly by. So here's what life looks like today, when we have nothing but "normal" on our calendar for the first time in a while.

I was up for a bit at 2:30 and 4:30am last night. It's been pretty predictable for me to wake up to pee at midnight and wake up to have hot flashes, growling stomach, and generalized anxiety at 4am ever since the 3rd trimester started. I'm not a fan. However, last night was better than the night before! I've been really trying to eat and drink more throughout the day, including getting two sources of glycine-rich protein every day (bone broth and collagen or gelatin). I know I'm eating more protein than I used to, say, a year ago, but I'm trying to amp it up even more for the sake of sleep as well as postpartum recovery. This pregnancy is a little different in that I feel like I'm force-feeding myself by the end of the day just to get enough food, versus just honoring my hunger cues (and consequently probably not eating enough calories or protein). I don't remember running out of room in quite the same way with the first two, but then again it's been quite a while since I've been pregnant.

Anyway, the kids were making enough noise by 0715 that Ross got up to get them some breakfast. I snoozed for another 30 minutes. I got to bed a bit late last night, and I'm REALLY trying to spend 8-9 hours in bed each night, since I know I'll be wide awake for 1-3 of those hours.

Then I got up and scrolled my phone while I ate breakfast in silence. Ugh. I'm realizing that would've been a perfect time to do some of the Bible study I'm always bemoaning about not being able to wake up early or lay on my stomach in bed for these days. 


0800: I had a breakfast of a grapefruit juice adrenal cocktail; oatmeal with raisins, pecans, collagen, and syrup; and 1 breakfast sausage (Rosie stole the other one). (Subtracting the swiped sausage, this only ended up being about 23g of protein which is a little shorter than I was aiming for.)

Wow. I've been interrupted 3 times since starting this post! So much for the calm. 

0915-1115: Started the school day a little later than usual because I started this post. Played our hymn of the month and rallied the kids while getting our morning supplies out. Today we covered Bible, handicraft, reading, math, natural history, Spanish, handwriting, and history. We are 7 weeks into our 12-week term and I feel like we are all finally adjusting. Rosie was able to sit at the table for most of today's lessons and color/practice in her pre-handwriting book, which was nice. She's been feeling a little left out on Tuesdays and Thursdays when she doesn't have preschool and Noah's lessons dominate our mornings.

1045: I snack on a homemade granola bar with my pregnancy tea because I'm getting tired. We sit outside for play, Spanish, and history and the sun feels perfect with the 60 degree temps! Finally we have some ideal fall weather! Trying to make the most of it- let's face it, I'm physically uncomfortable indoors or out, so might as well be out as long as I'm not pushing it with a too-long walk in the heat or something.

1115: The kids take off with their imaginary play games while I make lunch and put school stuff away. 

1145: Salami, crackers, carrots, and mango for them. Hash browns and 3 eggs sautéed with ghee, onion, and pepper (from our garden) for me along with some mango. Again, only 21-ish grams of protein for this meal, but I have to force myself to finish it over 40 minutes as it is! I had planned to do brush drawing after lunch, but the kids are happy outside (the weather really helps) and I'm exhausted, so I let them play and eventually join them for a bit while I re-read The First Forty Days. Then Rosie bit the dust on the sidewalk, so coming in was a bit chaotic.

1230: Stories before rest time.

1300: Rosie and I napped the entire 90 minutes of rest time! I could've kept going, honestly. I'm somehow more tired instead of less tired! It feels like it's been weeks since we had a normal rest time without having to rush somewhere before or after. I will definitely be napping at rest time for the foreseeable future as our schedule slows down.

1450: Noah came downstairs and had his snack (beef jerky and dried fruit) and played dominoes by himself while Rosie and I woke up a bit. Then Rosie and I snacked (hot cocoa with collagen for me = 10g protein). I seem to be having reflux again the last few days, reminiscent of the first trimester. Not a fan. I print out new 1000 Hours Outside tracking sheets per Noah's request, as well as a Facebook Marketplace shipping label, and the kids manage to get into a squabble that results in one crying the minute I leave the room. *SIGH*

1500-1645: We walk to and from the library. Again, the weather is just perfect. I'm so happy. I walked slowly, with my belly support belt, and still feel fairly decent afterwards. The kids are now sitting happily in front of their CD players listening to audio books while I warm up leftovers for dinner. Thursdays are my long days since Ross doesn't get home until after the kids' bedtime, so I'm thrilled I have leftovers today. While dinner warmed up, I ordered a postpartum nightgown, postpartum underwear (glamorous), and one of Rosie's Christmas gifts. I'm realizing that between baby and holidays together, I need to have my act together to literally JUST REST as of November 1.

1745: Ate leftover beef stew and crackers with the kids. Perfect for a cool, cloudy evening in! (30-40g protein based on the recipe in the Cook Once cookbook).

1815-1845: Brush drawing. Not normally something we'd do this late in the day, but the weather was too good to miss earlier, and Rosie is a brush drawing fanatic. Once I mentioned doing it today, she has not forgotten! This meant constant refereeing, breaking up fights, one 4 year old meltdown, and standing at the sink to clean LOTS of brushes while the kids got their pajamas on at the end.

1900: Hot chocolate for the kids' bedtime snack while I take a quick shower, then they brush their teeth  and we start stories. 

1955: On Thursdays, the kids fall asleep in my bed. I used to fit between them and be able to get to bed early too. But between Noah's latest growth spurt and my belly, that's not really possible these days. So I lay on the nugget on the floor and watch an Office episode while they fall asleep.

2030: I eat my own snack of beef jerky (4g protein), dried fruit, and tulsi tea. I ate a total of 80-95 grams of protein today. Not quite what I was aiming for (100-120), but can't fathom eating/digesting more! Here's hoping I can sleep tonight. I'll probably eat a Larabar at some point before morning, so I guess that's another 3g protein for what it's worth! I am so (literally) tired of waking up hungry and wired at night. Overall, though, today was a fun and low-stress day. I think the kids needed a day without obligations as much as I did. Planning to have many more of these between now and D day (which is a max of 49 days away, but much more likely 35-42 days away).