Last weekend, I had an insane bout of upper back spasms. I used to have these 36 hour attacks every few months, but it's been a year since the last one and I truly thought they were behind me. That was not the case Monday evening when the pain it started out of nowhere and I straight-up panicked because I didn't know if I could take Flexeril or anything remotely helpful for the pain. I made it through, but failed my 1-hour GDM screening test in the process with a blood sugar of 180. In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have done the test the same appointment I was complaining of pain that was 10/10 and worse than labor. Hello, stress hormones! Thankfully, the doctor is letting me redo it next week.
In the meantime, I've had a 3-day counseling intensive planned for this coming week since July, and I'm so so so glad we committed the time and (painful amount of) money because I am READY.
I'm ready to process the last 18 months post-move that looked so different than I'd planned. I'm ready to process my previous postpartum experiences and mentally and strategically prepare for a different one this time around. I'm ready to really connect with this baby because, let's face it, between a scary first trimester and a super busy second trimester, I've maintained some distance from all the changes that are happening overnight in the recesses of my body and heart.
Frankly, even though homeschool is definitely the right choice right now, I'm also ready for a break from the planning and the putting into practice that we've been doing so consistently.
I also recently re-committed to building an online breastfeeding course after recruiting a fellow IBCLC to join me. I'm simultaneously excited and terrified to somehow get this done before my due date as well as everything else on my to-do list. At the same time, I know my professional brain hasn't gotten much exercise lately and I think/hope that dedicating time to this will help me feel more balanced and less overwhelmed. At least professional work has tangible, measurable results at the end of the day and I can't always say that for parenting or even checking off the schoolday on the calendar.
I'm so hopeful for what adding to our family will look like, I'm so grateful that our marriage is in a place to welcome a new life, I'm so apprehensive about the big changes it will entail, I'm so grieved that this time (barring some great big surprise) it really is the last pregnancy and what if I haven't cherished it enough, and I'm a little panicked at the countdown. I know I won't *arrive* in life by the time the baby is born, especially given that, as Noah pointed out, we likely have "less than 11 Thursdays left" until we meet him earthside. (Also, an amazing quote from Noah a few weeks ago: "we do a lot of things at home that other people go places for: homeschool, home birth...")
So much is different this time, and I'M different. And I'm hoping to re-remember some of that this week while I'm doing the work of processing and growing and making room for what matters.
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