Noah's Birthday

A year ago today, I was in this hospital in labor! If I really think about it, I can practically feel the contractions again. Labor is an intense, beautiful, elusive movement-- and labor endorphins? They're no joke! I could use another hit right now.

I know that labor and delivery can be traumatic and terrifying and the best laid plans can go awry in the blink of an eye. I have nothing but gratitude and thanksgiving for Noah's Birth Day. I will never take that experience for granted.

But the best part is, even though my sleep-deprived self craves that labor high and I still (yes, still) miss being pregnant and can't believe it's been a year already, I know the adventure has only begin. Getting to know the little man I met a year ago today? That's the real honor. Carrying and laboring and delivering are wonderful, but they aren't mothering.

I've been writing monthly letters to Noah, but today's is the last one. We made it to a year. His growth and development are accelerating too quickly, his hilarious shenanigans too frequent, to write down every single memory. So I will depart from the early milestones and the baby calendar and the *sniff* baby jammies and follow in the footsteps of my brave little boy: falling forward with a smile and trusting that my feet will catch up!

Happy 1st Birthday, Noah! The week we brought you home, I kept thinking, "surely I have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." I love you so much. Thank you for being patient with me as I learn how to be your Mama!

Noah on his Birth Day and on his Birthday!

To Myself, 365 Days Ago (The Birth of a Mother)

This IS real labor, by the way.

mid-contraction before heading to the hospital June 4

You think Ross is taking the day off to set up the nursery tomorrow, but shit is about to get a lot more real than that. Spoiler alert: the nursery crib will not be assembled, nor will the kitchen countertops be installed before you become a mother. You might POSSIBLY know that somewhere deep down, because you sure did freak out about Ross needing to take a random Wednesday off of work.

But holy crap... denial is the best labor tool ever (although your doula is a close second).  But seriously. From the first painful contraction that came during shift report this morning, to 4:29pm tomorrow when you meet the little one who has been in there all this time, will stretch 33.5 hours of contractions. But you will really only feel like you're in labor for 4 hours, because that's the amount of time you officially had to wrap your head around the idea.

Four hours from the moment your Midwife said, "we're going to do a direct admit to L and D right now," to the moment it was suddenly all over. Just like that. And of course, "just like that" foreshadows the entire year to follow, as well.  

during our brief stay in L and D

Just like that, contractions give way to a chubby-cheeked cherub. Just like that, he goes from being a sleepy newborn to a colicky baby. Just like that, he goes from being a talkative wiggle-worm to a baby who can crawl and pull up and get into everything. Just like that, he grows from one size to the next, breaking your heart a little each time you have to change out the clothes. Just like that, 11 months in, occasionally starts to sleep through the night at last, and on those days you already start to forget the mind-numbing fatigue you felt from months 5-6 when he wouldn't sleep for more than 90 minutes at a time.

Let me just give you a hug right now. For 38.5 weeks, you thought labor was the end. But really, it's the very beginning. Not only was a baby born that sunny day in June that dawned after a stormy night, but two clueless parents were born as well. You and Ross didn't know it, but you were about to embark upon an anxious, overwhelming, wonderful, blessed, sleepless, tear-stained, hilarious, frustrating, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful year. It won't take you long to realize that your work experience is useless, and everything is new again when the baby under your care is your own, 24/7/365.

Welcome to the hardest and best year of your life. A year in which you will learn that all those annoying mom cliches are there for a reason. Time flies. They're not little for long. The days are long, but the years are short. You'll realize all of this fairly quickly, and you'll FEEL it all. The highs will be higher, the lows will be lower. Your heart IS walking around outside of your body, and it takes your breath away when you feel the weight of that. Sometimes the weight will be golden and awe-some, in a let's-have-5,000-more-babies sort of way. Other times it will feel impossibly heavy, like you are doomed to failure and no mere mortal should ever be given so much responsibility as to be the caretaker of a little soul.

You will start panicking that "he's already a year old" around 9 months and you will keep reminding yourself, we had only just bought our house this time last year... I was still hanging drywall this time last year... he flipped breech this time last year and I started swimming laps to encourage him to flip back...

Post-partum will kick your butt. You will go to physical therapy for muscles you neeever knew existed. Due to that pain, the first 6 weeks of newborn-ness will crawl by like one long, anxious, tightly-wound day. And when the haze ends suddenly, and time starts traveling at warp speed? You'll want those sweet, snuggly, blurry first 6 weeks back.

Just when you start to feel comfortable with one aspect of Noah's babyhood, everything changes. For better and for worse. Arching, crying, and screaming finally give way to a more comfortable baby when he starts Prilosec. Painful thrush and a poor latch give way to an awesome breastfeeding relationship. Post-partum pain gives way to extreme gratitude for body parts you used to take for granted. But also... exclusive breastfeeding, gives way to introducing solids. Happy wiggles give way to mobility. Two naps (which you fought for tooth and nail) will soon give way to one nap.

And the first year gives way to the second. You made it! Cue the waterworks.

Love,
me

Currently: 30 Years Old

Favorite part of the day: drinking coffee while Noah crawls around like a crazy man after his breakfast every morning.

Eating: Ever since I got pregnant, I've been averse to a lot of green food. Therefore, I'm eating lots of carbs and meat, but not much in the way of produce. Hoping that changes this summer!

Drinking: For the first time in my life, I am having to force myself to drink enough water. After the insatiable thirst of pregnancy and early breastfeeding days, I forget what normal water intake looks like.

Reading: Still working on the The Boys in the Boat for fun, reading A Praying Life with our Gospel Community, and potentially about to start reading 1,000 Gifts with some other friends.

Listening To: "I Need Jesus" by Nathan Partain is the last song I downloaded, but I haven't been listening to anything on repeat for the last few weeks.

Guilty Pleasure: Watching a show on my laptop before bed. I finally quit my nighttime pumping session last week (!!!) but I'd gotten in a terrible habit of watching TV in the evening thanks to that. Need to get back to reading instead of watching.

Wanting: More sleep. More money.

Needing: Exercise and vegetables!

Loving: The longer and warmer days. It feels like it just rained for a month straight, so I love the intermittent sunny days!

Thinking: I intended to fill out the rest, but Noah woke up from his nap. Ha!

Feeling:

Missing:

Exercise:

Bane of my Existence: 

Mood: 

Link:

Outfit:

Looking forward to:

The Best is Yet to Come

Thirty doesn't look quite as scary as it used to. Twenty-nine was a good year. So good and so fast, thanks largely in part to a little guy named Noah. Crazy I'd never even seen his face this time last year, and now I don't want to imagine life without him!

In a lot of ways, I feel less like myself this ever as I coast into thirty. I suspect most of that is due to the fact that my "self" is still adjusting to the addition of the "Mom" title and the responsibilities and realities that it entails. But I love it, so onward and upward!

My 20s were beautiful, wonderful, crazy, cringe-worthy, and memorable. Filled with lots of love and lots of heartbreak. And I completely wigged out about turning 25. Can you believe that was 5 years ago?! At that time, I couldn't even fathom 30. I tend to be a past-thinker, and at 25 I was dwelling on how far away college seemed, how heavy the day-to-day felt, and how life seemed to be running ahead without me.

On the one hand, thank God I wasn't thinking about some perfect, rosy future materializing by the magical age of 30, because it's been a hell of a ride from there to here. But on the other hand, faith and hope would've carried me a long way on that dark road: knowing that come what may, God's will prevails. And His will is always for my good and for His glory.

The irony, of course, is that faith and hope are rarely learned except through trial. I'd like to think, as a friend recently said to Ross and me, that your 20s are for making mistakes and your 30s are for learning from them.

Not that I won't make mistakes in my 30s. Ha! But maybe instead of careening from one bad mistake to the next impulsive decision while simultaneously accumulating more and more regret and anxiety, the next decade will see me mellow out a little instead.

I do know that God WILL instruct me and teach me in the ways I should go. He WILL counsel me with his loving eye on me (Psalm 32). Instead of being stubborn and learning by trial and error, I want to learn more by trust. I want to learn more in silence and in waiting. I want to find peace in knowing that God's plan will unfold exactly as it should, and that as long as I'm willing to listen, He will let me know when it's my turn to participate, instead of me panicking and grasping at straws and trying to force circumstances to bend to my will.

I feel at peace with the big picture of my life right now. In fact, I kind of love it. I'm thankful to be starting a new decade, and I'm thankful for the decade that got me here.

---

P.S. For my birthday, Noah gave us an unprecedented stretch of sleep. He slept from 6:45pm-5:20am. Yeah baby! [Insert all the praise hands emojis here]

Happy Birthday Ross!

Ross,

You turned 30 today and you've been so mellow about it. So mellow, in fact, that you planned a surprise party for my birthday when I thought we were going to dinner for your birthday! Stinker. But I still got to hang out with you, so I consider that a good night. You beat me to this milestone birthday, so I can't give you advice-- but these ten tidbits seem pretty solid. To celebrate you, here are 30 things I love about you (in no particular order).

30 Things I Love About You at 30 Years Old

I love that you're pursuing God.

I love that you're a kid at heart.

I love that you are really settling into the role of provider and protector in our family.

I love that you already call our son "handsome" and that you can't wait to meet him.

I love that you came back to fight for our marriage.

I love that you're taking risks and being a more adventurous eater, even though it's out of your comfort zone.

I love traveling with you and seeing different parts of the world through your eyes.

I also love sitting on the couch with you eating takeout. I'm so thankful you're my best friend after all.

I love that you're finishing your Master's degree even though it's been a long ride.

I love that you find irony in the fact that you're doing medical architecture for a career... the one branch you thought you'd never go into!

I love that you can laugh at yourself.

I love that you can make me laugh.

I love that you can just hug me tight when I'm crying, without trying to make it better.

I love that you don't mind driving everywhere.

I love that you quote Friends with me from time to time.

I love the gusto with which you're attacking this home renovation, and I'm endlessly thankful that it's fun for you.

I love that you can put up with my emotional rants (pregnant or not).

I love that you're so enthusiastic about my gluten-free baked goods.

I love that you're supportive of my own creative endeavors, even though they're different from yours.

I love that you're so excited about getting white t-shirts for your birthday.

I love that you're adjusting to the large family you've become a part of.

I love that you're an optimist, even though you're learning that rose-colored glasses don't actually fix things.

I love that you do love to fix things and help others.

I love that you think dogs are great fun... but you're okay with not owning one!

I love that you love country music, even thought the radio stations here are slim pickings.

I love your smile. And your eyelashes. Okay, I think you're pretty good looking overall!

I love your spontaneity.

I love hearing what's on your heart.

I love getting to know you more as we learn how to communicate better.

I love that you're you! I wouldn't change a thing.

I'm honored, humbled, and excited to be by your side as you enter your next decade. Happy birthday!

Happy Happy Happy

28. Yep. In a way this birthday seems kind of anticlimactic because 27 was such a whirlwind year. Last year was the first year I didn't always know my exact age when people asked... I somehow already considered myself to be 28 for most of the year, so this year year will just be a bonus, right?!

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This was much better than last year's birthday. Last Thursday, a few friends TOTALLY surprised me with gluten-free brownies at our bi-monthly meetup. It was so sweet and thoughtful. Then I got to go to lunch with a friend on Saturday before going to see most of my precious primary patients in all their toddler glory at the NICU reunion! Oh I miss thoses babes... There were a lot of sweet moments and a lot of moms asking me why on earth I left the NICU, but I think the highlihght of the reuinion was a sweet 2 1/2 old giving me a fist bump when she was too shy to give me a hug.

Sunday was my actual birthday and it was a pretty good day in my book. I got to work out, go to church, and then go to lunch at probably my favorite restaurant ever (Cafe Gratitude) with some sweet friends who I didn't know a year ago, but wouldn't trade for the world now!

Thanks to all who helped me celebrate!