Selfishness and Selflessness

I listened to a podcast when I was pregnant with Rosie, and re-listened again recently, with Jen Wilkin. At one point, she says, "Motherhood, particularly young motherhood, was such a time of selfishness and selflessness intertwined for me. I told myself that it was 'beating the selfishness out of me' because you have to give up all your personal freedoms, etcetera. But then it turned out that as soon as the kids got older and were able to do things on their own, I just took all the selfishness right back. Nothing is going to get to that underlying issue of self-centeredness, like spending time in the scriptures will."

That pull between selfishness and selflessness? I am feeling this deeply right now. Noah's old enough, and he and Rosie are far enough apart, that I did get a glimpse of that freedom. And it wasn't until Rosie came along that I realized I'd gotten to a point where I had taken back some of those personal freedoms. When I got pregnant, he was napping every day, sleeping through the night, potty training... In hindsight, I totally felt entitled to my alone time during naps, to those few hours between kids bedtime and my own. And I didn't realize how much I needed them until I lost them. 

In a lot of ways, I know this is the hard season, this season of two kids 3 and under. I know that as the first child gets older, things change. Even if we do for some reason decide to have another baby, it won't be like this again. The sheer neediness. And I do also get glimpses of how having an older child can be helpful, can be a good role model, can set the tone for the day. I don't say this to put too much pressure on Noah, but more just watching friends with older kids out and about, things are just DONE a certain way because they've been done with the first child and that's just how things go. I'm realizing once again, this season is intense but (relatively) brief. This season of having to change diapers and change clothes and physically feed a child. The days when I'm harried and ravenous and my kids are scrambling to eat the food left on my plate, or the last of my yummy treat. I give it to them, but on a bad day, I kind of want to cry when I do. Some days, I feel like I'm bleeding myself dry. I know now that when I look back, this season will be so brief.

When am I "putting my own oxygen mask on first," and when am I just looking for glimpses of a bygone era when I was literally my only priority as I went throughout my day?

None of this is mind blowing, or even terribly unique. But the reality of it, of course, isn't fully realized until you're in it. The way the kids will take turns sleeping so you don't have a minute alone. The way one crying can often start the other one crying. The way you can't leave the room without worrying that the baby is going to be "moved" or "helped" or "taught a lesson" by the "helpful" older child.

The thing is, I love so much of it. I love being the one who can fix the owies and stop the crying. I love how sometimes they just need a hug to touch base. But I'm trying to give myself permission to realize that I can love it AND it can be kicking my butt.

The other thing I didn't quite realize I felt entitiled to, was an "easier" child. I know there's no such thing as EARNING a chill baby, but I did feel like I'd paid my dues somehow, and maybe genetics plus luck plus not being a first time mom would be on my side. We prepared for tongue tie, for reflux, for breastfeeding issues, for postpartum pain. But I couldn't quite bring myself to prepare for another sleepless child. I thought surely if we dealt with all those other issues, sleep would fall in line. And maybe it would have? Rosie slept GLORIOUSLY well for 2.5 months. Like, I can't even count the number of times she basically slept through the night, only waking up at 10pm or 4am. I felt HUMAN. I actually felt like a rockstar, getting two kids out of the house, and nursing the baby at the park, and letting her nap in the wrap. And, I don't know. I don't know what changed and I've been beating myself up about it. As if it were the 2 month shots, or the never-ending sickness that started literally the day I went back to work after taking 12 weeks off. As if I could've somehow changed it. But she started waking up. A lot. Like every 1.5 hours. After the hospital, I think there was a 1-2 month period where I literally never slept for more than 45 minutes at a time, and I was too tired to even count how often she woke up, or how much sleep I wasn't getting.

I kind of developed tunnel vision, to maintain some semblance of sanity (and lets be honest, calling it sanity might be a bit generous-- it's more like a thinly-veiled veneer of sanity). We cut back on playdates, we took a few weeks off of preschool. We finally got HEALTHY. But then we had some family drama and Ross went on a work trip for a week, and I was flying solo and Rosie was literally awake every 45 minutes every single night, and I hit a wall. So we drew back again: I talked to my manager about taking some time off of work.

Because here's the thing, I was literally needed around the clock 5 days a week, and then I went to work on Saturday, and Sunday was a mad scramble of church and groceries and cleaning and food prep, and before I knew it, it would be Monday again. And Monday mornings are theeee worst.

I find myself trying to catch snatches of alone time defensively. Like, can I just eat breakfast without answering a billion questions?! I hear myself saying, "I just need to send this text to my friend!" I find myself thinking, "jeez, just leave me alone for 5 minutes so I can laugh at these memes on facebook and feel less alone."

When I'm with friends, I'm talking too fast. I hear it. I've come so far from my violently defensive posture that I Felt with Noah, but I still feel inadequate. Less than. Not even.

I guess, here's the progress I have made: I know it's not about the size of my house, or the amount of money we have, or the family we don't have in town, or the anxiety that makes its home in the pit of my stomach some days. My problems are underwhelming to many, and maybe overwhelming to others. That doesn't matter. It's about the state of my heart, pure and simple. And I'm not okay.
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"some day soon we will take family outings like this again (to the library, when philip was our wee one with just two). i can feel it in my bones.

juggling baby twins with 3 other littles can be hilarious and exhausting all at the same time. 😂😂😂 it can also be impossible under certain "calm" circumstances, like, quiet play at the library. 😂😂😂

we are so happy to be the parents of this specific crew. life just keeps changing our family. we are embracing a new normal. neither of our children, or either of their parents, will ever be what we would have been (personality and temperment included) without the twins (or ANY of the sibling additions).

i think women especially can think things like "one day i will find myself again, i promise" or "i'll work at becoming who i was working on before the kiddos came once they are older" while we are in the throws of this crazy season.

but the truth is we aren't supposed to look back on that person. God brought this change on purpose. He purposed this crazy. this "how in the world did i get here?"

and He purposed any circumstance that can tip our feelings toward discontment-- with or without children.

we are our real self now.

we are suppose to go through this type of metamorphosis.

we are not suppose to be the same girl we were on our wedding day that we are NOW after living with the man we married.

we are not suppose to be the same woman we were before kids that we are NOW after having a child! or 2 or 3 or 4 or more.

but we are to lay down our life to lose it.

we are to fall on our faces before our Savior when we are struggling and desperate.

He doesn't mind our desparate.

the world's system would like to whisper in your ear something quite different. but this world is your enemy and doesn't care about you at all, no matter how empathetic it my sound at times. the world knows you will buy whatever they are selling if you are discontent. period.

your Creator, on the other hand, does care! and he promises you abundant life, joy in all things, peace in the midst of storms, personal growth in the midst of trials, and hope in the midst of despair to just to name a few!

choose with me today to walk confidently in the skin you are in--even if you don't recognize that girl at times--and speak the truth of God's word over a heart that can easily fill up with the junk that wrong thinking produces."

~ beautifully written by fellow mom Deana Marie Myers