Spring

When I look back on the past 5 years, I think spring has been such a hopeful time for me. Two of the past 5 springs, I've been visibly pregnant and anticipating adding a new addition to our family. And two of the past 5 springs have found me blinking bleary-eyed at the sun through sleep-deprived eyes, desperate for fresh air and refreshment after a winter filled with sickness and sleeplessness.

I think there's a fine line between being a masochist and being a mother. Motherhood is sanctifying. It's self-sacrificing. I know this, yet I also find myself pulling back and asking how much is too much? "Will is cost me this, too? Should it?"

God promises rest to the weary, but he doesn't promise a baby who sleeps through the night. I intentionally didn't pray for a "good sleeper" when I was pregnant with Rosie. In part, because I thought that dealing with the tongue tie, breastfeeding issues, and food intolerances early on would naturally fix some of the problem. But also, I prayed for sleep for a long time with Noah. A long time. God answered in the sense that, yes, between 18 months and 2.5 years, Noah was at long last a phenomenal sleeper. But I was in a pretty deep hole by that point, and it took me a long time to recover physically and emotionally.

We instituted gentle nap and nighttime sleep assistance with him around 7 months, and did some more firm "sleep training" at night around 14-15 months. At that time, Noah felt safe, comfortable, knew we would meet his needs, and he was developmentally ready to sleep. We let him cry a bit, but since it had all been so gradual, he never cried more than 20 minutes or so. He was ready.

So what happens this time when I'm ready but my baby maybe isn't? The longer I'm a mom, the slower I am to judge others, but still pretty quick to second guess myself. I feel like right now I can't be the mom I want to be at night AND during the day. Rosie's 9 months old and wakes up 2-5 times a night.

In the past few weeks, my 3 year old has started saying things like, "Rosie, you have GOT to let me have some quiet time." And, "I'm so grumpy in the morning because Rosie kept waking me up at night." Now, I'm not entirely sure that he really hears her crying at night, but he hears me complaining the next day loud and clear.

When do I feel mistakenly entitled to sleep, and when is it a matter of fuctioning?

I need to be able to distinguish between entitlement and self-care! And I need to sleep train my baby.