Week 5 Emotions

Week 5 has been a lot of emotions coming online as reality sets in: overwhelm, guilt, fatigue, second-guessing. But last night I reminded myself that all of these feelings are growing pains. I've abruptly outgrown my previous self and God is using these 40 weeks of stretching, growing, discomfort, and unknowns to prepare me for a new reality and all that that entails. I'm journaling and getting sunlight and spending less time on social media and sitting with this discomfort to grow my capacity for this new little life joining our family. 

It's hard to believe baby is only the size of a grain of rice, because he or she takes up a lot more space in my thoughts and imagination. Last night, Isaac said, "I wish we had a real baby." He loves babies so much. He's also been a lot more interested in 1:1 attention the last few weeks, bike rides with Ross, hitting wiffle balls with me... I would swear he somehow knows a change is coming. That's the part that makes me sad. But I also rest assured that I had these feelings with every pregnancy, and I immediately loved each baby AND my other kids MORE somehow when the baby arrived. God takes my lack and gives me His abundance, loaves and fishes style, when I'm holding what I do have with open hands and honestly.

My only symptoms this week are being a little more discerning about where my limited energy is going (not a bad thing, especially with June being so busy). And, well, being pretty tearful. Happy and sad tears. 

Isaac is knocking on the window above me and waving as I type this out on the back deck. Rosie has been at horse day camp this week, and Noah has been working hard at basketball. Ross is gearing up for an overnight bike race this weekend and I'm just... ready for bed but enjoying the last few minutes of evening coolness and sunset light while I reflect. 

It's been interesting to see biometrics this time around with my Oura ring and also the CGM I got this week (my other babies were 7# 8oz, 7# 15oz, and 8# 7oz... I'd like to reverse that trend instead of continuing to go up. Although to be fair, Noah and Rosie were those weights at 38.5 and 38.3 weeks, whereas Isaac was 41.1 weeks).

Anyway, basically between 3-4 weeks, my deep sleep significantly decreased, my HRV dropped, my resting HR and RR went up... fascinating how the body immediately goes into baby mode. And so do the emotions! Three more weeks until the first ultrasound feels like a loooooong wait, but also I'm so grateful I feel so GOOD and also last time I saw Isaac on ultrasound earlier because of the early bleeding, which I am VERY happy to skip this time.

I love our little family so dang much that going back to sleepless nights and diapers and nap schedules is an intimidating thought. This last year has felt more freeing with my physical health and kids' routines and more flexible bedtimes and the fact that everyone can wipe their own butt and ride a two-wheel bike and go camping. But I also know that this baby has been on my heart for over a year now, and God put it on Ross' heart, too. It may not be a logical choice, but I trust that it was a faithful one. And I know in my bones it will be so joyful to get one more chance to experience all of the SWEET things that come with a baby, too. And I know, 12 years in, exactly how fast those baby years go, after all. In the blink of an eye we will all be riding bikes together as a family of 6.

Oh, I randomly heard the song, Dare You to Move (throwback to the early 'aughts) a few weeks ago, and even though it was impossibly too early to know, I knew then and there that I was pregnant: 

Welcome to the planet //

welcome to existence //

everyone's here //

everyone's here //

everybody's watching you now //

everybody waits for you now //

what happens next? //

what happens next?

This Old Thing?

I can't believe I'm dusting off this blog at long last, after so much sharing on Instagram and podcasts and Substack.

So much has changed in the last 6 years since moving to Blair. I'm sitting here on the back patio under a blue sky on one of the longest evenings of the year, letting what I'm about to type sink in.

Yesterday marked 4 weeks pregnant with our fourth baby!

Just typing that brings a huge grin to my face. Earlier this evening I read through my 4 week blog posts for the other kids, because I wanted to remember when I started feeling symptomatic. Because the fact of the matter is, I feel GOOD. A little tired, sure. Bloated, weird hunger cues and thirsty and peeing more. But otherwise... GOOD. Life is moving a mile a minute this month and I'm keeping up with it, and keeping a sweet, sweet secret at the same time. 

I let Ross do the test this time, read the instructions, watch the clock... We tested so early, 9 DPO, he could barely see the line. But I, after taking so many false-alarm and wishful-thinking negative tests over the years, saw it right away. Once it dried a bit, he could see it plain as day, too: proof of life. 

I was at a lactation consult last week when I touched my boob to demo something and thought, "oh wow I actually think I'm pregnant." Felt too good to be true when the test agreed. And I feel so physically good that it seems surreal. But the fact is, I've done so many radical things in the last two years to FEEL GOOD. Things I said I'd never do like surgeries and prescription meds and iron infusion, and things I thought I WAS doing, but needed to do better like exercise and eating well and circadian health. 

And here we are with a baby due in February, which I always thought felt like ideal timing but never ended up being ideal for us until now. In February the days are getting longer, but you won't miss much if you're in bed recovering for a week or two. Flu season is mostly over. The homeschool year will be mostly over. IF I do end up feeling yucky in the first trimester, it will be at my FAVORITE time of year when mornings are meant for being outdoors and the sunlight can give me energy and I get get in the water if I want to feel weightless. *chef's kiss*

I am really excited to experiment with drama-free pregnancy and birth. Just, matter-of-fact. I spun out briefly about my age, but The Birthing Instincts podcast was really reassuring. If we got pregnant on our own, odds are really good that this baby is just as healthy as the others. Maybe more so, in some ways. I have more tools at my disposal and more lived experience of listening to my body (which I haven't done much of this week with the insane schedule, but am highly progesterone-motivated to do MUCH more of starting next Monday).

I'm so excited that I don't have to carry a story of symptoms getting worse with each pregnancy or with age. Pre-pregnancy I felt better than I have in ten years, so it only makes sense that would carry over to pregnancy as well. A few waves of fatigue, very occasional waves of nausea, but no victim mentality. No need to identify with a "norm." Lots of curiosity. And SO MUCH anxious hope.

Baby, you are so wanted and loved and delighted in already. You have the best siblings in the world and I want nothing more than to see you grow up alongside them. These early days feel so precarious but I also feel weirdly calm. You are so meant to be. I was thrilled to see my HCG go from 170 on June 15 to 923 on June 18. My estradiol is great and progesterone is also great compared to my other post-op labs, but I'm taking a little bit extra to help support your growth. I cannot wait to see you on ultrasound in 4 weeks and in my arms in 36 weeks! Get cozy and stay a while <3