I want to write a thanksgiving post. Really, I do.
This year has been hard, but sweet through the bitterness. I am so blessed. God has been gracious to me and he has anticipated my needs better than I could ever have dreamed. Yet... I'm tired. I'm not ungrateful, no. I know in my mind that I have much to celebrate. But for the last week or two my heart has been heavy, and I have no doubt it's due to my disconnect with God. (On my end, certainly, and not His.)
I'm still processing some 'blessings' that have been disguised as boatloads of pain. I'm still struggling under the weight of security blankets I'm afraid to let go of.
Freedom is a stark contrast to heavy chains. If I've learned anything this year, it's that there's a perfectly inverse relationship between my anxiety and depression and my reliance on God. Yet I cling to my control and my idols and my comforts!
You know what I'm so grateful for?
A God who doesn't give up when I'm ready to.
A God who pursues me.
Even when I hurt Him.
Even when I RUN FROM HIM and toward other things I foolishly think will make me happier.
Even when I judge others who hurt me and run from me and betray me, and then take it for
granted that God is above hypocrisy.
I'm grateful for a love that never fails, never gives up, and never runs out on me.
One Thing by Jesus Culture
Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant in the trial and the change
One thing remains
Your love never fails
It never gives up
It never runs out on me
Because on and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I'll never, ever, have to be afraid
One thing remains
I'm confident and covered by the Power
of Your Great Love
My dept is paid
There's nothing that can separate
My heart from Your great love
Huh. Whaddya know? I am feeling more thankful now!