I didn't want to write again until I got out of this funk I'm in. Let's be real, my blog is becoming a little too Debbie Downer, even for me. So I waited a week or two. Yet here I am, still in a funk and I don't know that it's leaving any time soon. Life is hard! I feel like overcoming one hurdle just leads to another. And when I recognize that my own selfishness is creating my hurdles? Well, that's never fun. How come I can get myself into messes so easily, but I can't get myself out of them on my own?
I hoped and prayed for a season of rest this January and February. My Teaching Assistant job is over, I'm on a break from school, and I took a clinic job to maybe have a little less work stress and a more predictable schedule.
Joke's on me because once again, I find that I placed my hope in the wrong place. This clinic job... whew. High-risk pregnancy is a high-stakes area, and one I really know nothing about. So I'm starting from scratch and it's stressful. It's hard. It's a lot of tears. It's also a lot of overtime, which is nice for my bank account and terrible for my sanity and my relationships.
When oh when will I learn?! Only God brings peace. I know that in my head, I feel that in my bones, but my heart is bent against that truth right now. For immature reasons, I'm holding back on surrendering my all yet again. Even though I don't want to be, I'm a little mad at God.
I've learned a lot this year. I've seen God's loving hand on the worst circumstances. In fact, I can even see it now. He's telling to me rely on him, trust in him, seek peace in him, hope in him. Despite my circumstances. But oh, I'm so tired.
I never used to understand people who said they were ready for heaven, but I'm starting to see the attraction. I'm weary of this world. I'm weary of the tenuous balance between waking up and wanting to do better, and the stark awareness that when I try to do better on my own accord, I am doing a disservice to the cross. Because I can't make my life what I want it to be.
And the life I want? It's the one where "He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, not crying, nor any more pain, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:3-4
So maybe this is too dark, but it's where I am. I need to let go of my pride and admit that I am weak-- which is okay, because He is strong.