The week between my emergency appointment for cramping and bleeding and my follow-up appointment at 12 weeks has been a mind game. It feels like time is standing still. Instead of bemoaning the nausea or celebrating that it's fading, I'm paranoid that it's a BAD thing that it's fading and that this baby that we are so excited to meet is slipping away from us.
A little bit of knowledge has been a very dangerous thing for me this week after being told I had a retroplacental hemorrhage. Every little cramp and twinge makes me afraid the bleeding will start again. All I see is NICU and high-risk OB cases in my brain. Not the thousands of cases that resolve and disappear and they never know what caused it but never have problems with it again.
So on my end, I'm realizing there's this elusive sense of safety when you reach certain milestones in pregnancy: oh I officially missed my period, oh we saw the heartbeat at 6 weeks, oh we made it through the first trimester. Imagining losing this baby after all this... it's too much. So I avoid thinking about it, mostly. The bleeding has stopped and I'm anxious and paranoid and a little on edge but also, still pregnant. And I will take it. I will take this baby as long as God gives it to me, but I'm not gonna lie-- I'm hoping that's a really really long time.
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