37 weeks

Weeks 34-36 were so claustrophobic and I was so over it, and now it feels like suddenly here we are: "full-term" (okay okay I know in my brain it's technically still late-preterm until 38) and I'm totally on labor watch after a little scare earlier this week. I'm 37 weeks today. My app says baby's hands and feet are basically at their newborn size (the kids LOVE looking at this illustration every week). The excitement is palpable in those moments, but at other times I can tell Rosie in particular is struggling to wrap her head around the changes to come-- her behavior has definitely changed. Noah's like, "old news. I know how she feels but I've done this before." And of course I can't find half of the "having a baby" books we got back in the spring when we told the kids. They weren't super interested then, but now that it's clear things are changing I want to read them again to prepare.

I'm alternating between being so excited for labor to start, and between being so shocked that the end of pregnancy is already here and that our family will never look the same. I'm excited to meet this new person but it's still so hard to imagine. Pregnancy is so wild and the belly gets so big so quickly at the end, I can't really wrap my mind around it. I feel like even when I do look in the mirror, I don't get a great picture of what I *really* look like. My bump was a lot smaller at 34 weeks, but that's when we got maternity pictures and I'm SO EXCITED to hopefully get them back this week and see what we all look like as a family of almost-five.

I dug back and found a little survey I did when I was pregnant with Rosie and thought it would be fun to look back again this time.

Most exciting moment: 
Probably the morning I got the positive pregnancy test. I just really didn't know if we'd get to do this again, and I cried tears of joy when it looked like it was all happening. Subsequently, starting to "show" and digging out maternity clothes again was really fun. Dressing a bump is way more exciting than getting dressed at any other time (unless, maybe, you're a 4 year old girl and every morning is an opportunity to ask, "do I look beautiful?!")

I don't know if it qualifies as exciting, but my Mother's Blessing in KC a few weeks ago was REALLY special. I loved being around super familiar friends who have been through all the hard things with me, and celebrating a good, sweet thing. It was so helpful to have a day to process and cry happy tears and feel seen and loved.

Most challenging moment: 
The first trimester was different and stressful with several bleeding scares. Seeing baby on the ultrasound with his heart beating away afterwards was always reassuring (and farther into the first tri, seeing him just chilling there with his little legs crossed at the ankles). But there was a lot of low-key uncertainty in my mind and body until I could feel regular movements. Sometimes it STILL feels too good to be true.

One thing I'm proud of:
The first trimester was, of course, rough. I was crazy fatigued and had a hard time fueling myself enough to sleep through the night without waking up hungry and wired. Then summer was HOT. I think I was good about expressing my overwhelm and doing something about it whether it was reaching out to a friend to vent, scheduling a counseling appointment, etc. Self-care as a homeschooling mom is hard and it hasn't been as regimented or as consistent as I'd like, but I'm proud of myself for not neglecting it or trying to power through. I've been able to give myself more grace, cry when I needed to cry, and celebrate the joyful moments too. I'm also proud of myself for getting through what feels like our first "real" homeschool term even though we homeschooled all last year. I put a lot of work in this summer organizing a full Charlotte Mason year for Noah, and that planning has paid off. We have one week left in our term and we all mostly enjoy our school mornings! Thank goodness for rhythm and routine *somewhere.*

One thing I wish were different:
COVID. I thought it wouldn't affect me as much since this isn't my first rodeo, but being the new people in town in this weird time has been really hard. We started getting out a lot more this spring and summer, but when cases started to rise again at the end of July, I started getting pretty anxious. Even more so as we enter cold and flu season in general. It has been a bit lonely and will continue to be so until this coming spring, I'm afraid. That's been pretty challenging, especially for the lone extrovert in the family. 

Favorite foods:
I don't even know. Sushi always sounds good, even though it often makes me cold! I've had very few moments of craving fulfilled or foods that truly hit the spot (but man, especially in the first trimester when something actually hits the spot, it's REALLY good). At this point, I'm not terribly excited about food in general. Lots of reflux and not a lot of room. I think the only consistently tolerable (albeit not terribly excitable) food has been cookie dough Larabars for midnight snacks. Currently, collagen hot chocolate for a bedtime snack is also hitting the spot. But there's not much I crave or love, although I could go for a pot of mussels from Dario's with some crusty bread right at this moment. 

Least favorite food:
Anything I make myself? Seriously. First trimester cravings unfulfilled kind of haunt me. I really missed all of our favorite KC restaurants. There are no real food options in Blair, so it's been ALL HOMEMADE ALL THE TIME. I'm so tired of cooking, of leftovers, of forcing myself to eat protein... I'm almost looking forward to the crazy breastfeeding hunger just to enjoy food again.

Physical state: 
It varies SO MUCH from day to day. Some days I want to cry because every step hurts. Some days I feel alllllmost normal. Lately, I've been feeling the extra weight I started with this time around. My knees have never had to bear this much weight before. Overall, I'm grateful that my biggest complaints have been musculoskeletal and we've had the resources to get chiropractic care and physical therapy/CST. I don't know what I'd be doing right now without that! Everything else has been more or less an improvement over the last pregnancy, very much in thanks to pro-metabolic eating and supplements the past 18 months. I don't even know if I blogged about when movements started getting consistent, or when Braxton-Hicks started. It's all just feel like a normal progression of a normal part of life, which I'm really grateful for. I'm excited that even planning to labor and birth at home is a continuation of that feeling of normalcy.

Mental state:
Depends on the minute. Currently I'm anxious and a little nervous about a major podcast interview I have tomorrow. After that, I think I will feel a lot of relief. I'm celebrating with a massage on Saturday, and that marks the end of our concrete plans. Then we will just be waiting for baby!

One thing that surprised me: 
How much COVID has impacted me mentally. I've been more reclusive than I anticipated, and I'm anxious about not having solid postpartum support this time around. Most of my friends are past this life stage and it seems like they don't even remember that I'm pregnant, which is a bummer. Then again, I probably consider them my friends more than they consider me theirs. Such is the fun of moving as an adult.

Looking forward to: 
Labor starting! I just really wasn't on labor watch with the first two, and this time I totally am. I'm so excited we are doing things differently and I'm ready to EXPERIENCE it instead of sitting here worrying about pushing a watermelon out of my nostril (thanks, Friends, for that timeless analogy).