38 weeks

Oh my stars. Did I just post on Instagram last week about having an experience of calm at the end of pregnancy for once? Just kidding. Let's see... last Friday I had a huge podcast interview and immediately afterwards I felt like baby wiggled around a bunch and "dropped" and I was having lots of pressure. I slept like a ROCK that night after getting home late from my homeschool book club. The best I've slept all pregnancy, I think. Saturday, I had a massage, got my breast pump (finally), ran some errands, and probably didn't hydrate enough. Saturday night, I was up for 2 hours with regular contractions every 10-12 minutes. All day Sunday I had Braxton-Hicks and tons of discomfort. 

Monday, my home birth midwife came over to tell me that she was having to cancel the rest of her contracts for the year based on circumstances that are 100% outside of my control. Insert *record scratching* in my brain. What?! 

I spent the whole afternoon alternating between shock, crying, and staring at my phone trying to talk to people and find ANY way to still make this homebirth happen. I knew I was so excited about it, but I don't think I realized how much I'd invested in it in terms of a corrective emotional experience until it was taken away at what is really the very last minute. No one's going to take a new client at 38 weeks. Even if they were willing to since I've had homebirth prenatal care and could essentially transfer my records from a reputable midwife, they're likely booked AND next week is a holiday. Those are the answers I was getting. Or else people suggesting I drive to another state to deliver in an AirBNB. Sorry, but to me that's not a HOME birth. At least not the kind I was wanting. 

I wanted to see what it was like to trust my body and be surrounded with a team I've gotten to know for 9 months who ALSO trust my body. I wanted to know what uninterrupted labor felt like in a safe environment that I was in control of. I wanted to birth in the water. I wanted to shower in my own shower and sleep in my own bed. It felt like I went from an entire pregnancy of looking forward to how completely NORMAL it felt to have the midwife come to me and to think about starting and ending labor in the comfort of my own home to being paralyzed at the thought of arriving in the hospital and experiencing the high levels of stress I had last time when the team was questioning my body and therefore I was, too. Just... no. I was devastated and it felt like all doors were closing in my face after free, easy, access to the idea of a homebirth from day one of this pregnancy. What the heck!?

It brought up lots of baggage from the last 3 years, too: Why can't anything go the way I planned? Why would something that felt so right go so wrong? Why did I get my hopes up only to be disappointed yet again?! And then, of course, fears: does this mean something bad will happen and I am going to NEED to be in the hospital? After crying all night (seriously, my eyes were swollen the entire next day) I reached out to a new set of people as well as to my counselors because I knew I needed to reframe. I talked with the OB on the phone and asked A LOT of questions about making a hospital birth more like the birth experience I'd been planning on this time. I talked with a doula acquaintance that I'd just seen last week who was actually willing to take me on this late in the game simply because she knows me. 

I also started challenging myself to reframe because I needed to get ahold of myself after being in shock for 48 hours. I realized I was partly so upset because of the loss of control and all that brings up, but also partly because the hospital has become really stressful to me between Rosie's 2 hospitalizations and working in a hostile environment during COVID with a horrible manager. I wanted to bypass the whole thing. Maybe I'll never know why I don't get to. But maybe this is an opportunity to address ALL of it and REALLY turn the page on an entirely new chapter. Not just to have a corrective emotional experience around birth and marriage, but around parenting and holding my ground and believing in myself and not really caring so much what other people think of me. I'm educated and informed and my no one cares more about my body and my baby than I do, thank you very much. So. Time will tell. 

My doula does leave town for the holiday next week, so I've been telling baby that it's safe to come any time between now and next Tuesday! What's WILD is that after the midwife came over this Monday, I felt like the baby UN-engaged from my pelvis and weeks of Braxton-Hicks contractions just STOPPED. For a full 24 hours, nothing but occasional baby kicks. Like he KNEW he couldn't come until we had a safe place for him to arrive in. Last night, I started having Braxton-Hicks again and baby has been moving a ton and re-engaging and that's all encouraging. Poor guy. I'm sure the stress hormones were a shock to his system, too.

I teared up a little as I moved things from my birth cart to the hospital bag last night. I really was the most prepared, excited homebirth mama-in-waiting you ever did see. Setting up the birth cart and envisioning the magic was SO fun. Filling the hospital bag and trying to write a birth plan that didn't sound defensive wasn't nearly as fun. But today Rosie asked about the coconut water, apple juice, and applesauce on the stairs and I told her I needed to pack it in my hospital bag so I had energy during labor. (The kids are also sad homebirth is no longer happening, especially Noah. He loves a good party.) She took it up stairs for me and said, "so baby brother has energy, too, because what you eat he eats!" We are all so ready to meet him. As fun as feeling the kicks are, seeing them will be even better.

So. Here's the little "survey" I planned to write this week before everything hit the fan! But it's still a fun recap of what I think/HOPE will be my last pregnancy update!

How far along? I'm technically writing this at 37 weeks and 6 days. Today feels big. We have a new birth plan in place with a provider, a location, and a doula. I sent my birth plan (the first one I've ever written) to the OB and spent an hour on the phone with the doula talking about my birth preferences. Our family maternity pictures arrived in my inbox! My podcast interview for Freely Rooted came out!

Weight gain: I will maybe check tomorrow morning, but as of 37 weeks it was up 26 pounds, which is basically on-par with the first two even though I'm eating way more food. I did start this pregnancy a full 20 pounds heavier, so this is by far the most weight I've ever carried and I feel it in my knees the last few weeks. But I've worked so hard to nourish my body better this time and I'm so hopeful it pays off postpartum!

Stretch marks? Shockingly, no new ones! My sweet belly is just stretching and stretching on baby's behalf.

Sleep: Meh. I'm so used to not sleeping. Let's just say I've read A LOT of novels in the middle of the night this pregnancy! At least I'm not panicked about it like I was at the beginning. I'm also pretty sore and generally have to rotate from side to side because my glutes cramp up after about 90 minutes on one side. And the left side, as always, remains the more painful one. Especially where the round ligament attaches to the pubic bone.

Best moment of the week: Maternity pics and the podcast are both like little presents today after a hard few days. So was my conversation with the doula who just made me feel a lot more at peace.

Miss anything? I so badly miss not being out of breath all the time. Being able to bend at the waist and pick stuff up off the floor will be nice again, too.  Although the last few months are teaching me these kids are big enough to be expected to do more and more of this themselves.

Movement: Lots of little kicks and wiggles as well as hiccups once or twice a day most days.

Cravings? I've actually been craving sushi (philly roll with smoked salmon) or else a pot of mussels from Dario's. Neither is easily accessible right now.

Aversions? Food is so tedious. I've mastered some of the reflux I was having with baking soda in water before bed and being vigilant with digestive enzymes with meals, but I still just have a sour stomach most of the time. Noah's fighting off a stomach bug so I'm sure that's not helping me either.

Symptoms: Of pregnancy? LOL all of them. Low-key nausea, low-key heartburn, shortness of breath, nasal congestion, fatigue, insomnia, back pain, hip pain... But also mystery, delight, anticipation, awe... it really is the best of times and the worst of times.

Signs of labor? Lots of Braxton-Hicks, occasionally some painful contractions. Definitely a sense of baby being lower. But aside from those two hours Saturday night, nothing that could actually be considered pre-labor. But... so weird... my boobs have been more sore again in the last week and I swear I smell like milk all the time now!

Belly button in or out? Oh it's been basically an outie since the end of the first trimester, if not sooner. It's allllmost in umbilical hernia territory but it's barely hanging on. Hopefully I can rehab the separation there without surgery over the course of the next year.

Happy or moody? Less anxious than I have been, which is good. Mostly just tired. It's been a wild ride. Really wanting to soak up the last few days with baby on the inside AND with Noah and Rosie. I feel like I "lost" a few days in the scramble of the changes this week.

Looking forward to: Being in labor and not constantly wondering if today is the day! MEETING THIS BABY.