This Old Thing?

I can't believe I'm dusting off this blog at long last, after so much sharing on Instagram and podcasts and Substack.

So much has changed in the last 6 years since moving to Blair. I'm sitting here on the back patio under a blue sky on one of the longest evenings of the year, letting what I'm about to type sink in.

Yesterday marked 4 weeks pregnant with our fourth baby!

Just typing that brings a huge grin to my face. Earlier this evening I read through my 4 week blog posts for the other kids, because I wanted to remember when I started feeling symptomatic. Because the fact of the matter is, I feel GOOD. A little tired, sure. Bloated, weird hunger cues and thirsty and peeing more. But otherwise... GOOD. Life is moving a mile a minute this month and I'm keeping up with it, and keeping a sweet, sweet secret at the same time. 

I let Ross do the test this time, read the instructions, watch the clock... We tested so early, 9 DPO, he could barely see the line. But I, after taking so many false-alarm and wishful-thinking negative tests over the years, saw it right away. Once it dried a bit, he could see it plain as day, too: proof of life. 

I was at a lactation consult last week when I touched my boob to demo something and thought, "oh wow I actually think I'm pregnant." Felt too good to be true when the test agreed. And I feel so physically good that it seems surreal. But the fact is, I've done so many radical things in the last two years to FEEL GOOD. Things I said I'd never do like surgeries and prescription meds and iron infusion, and things I thought I WAS doing, but needed to do better like exercise and eating well and circadian health. 

And here we are with a baby due in February, which I always thought felt like ideal timing but never ended up being ideal for us until now. In February the days are getting longer, but you won't miss much if you're in bed recovering for a week or two. Flu season is mostly over. The homeschool year will be mostly over. IF I do end up feeling yucky in the first trimester, it will be at my FAVORITE time of year when mornings are meant for being outdoors and the sunlight can give me energy and I get get in the water if I want to feel weightless. *chef's kiss*

I am really excited to experiment with drama-free pregnancy and birth. Just, matter-of-fact. I spun out briefly about my age, but The Birthing Instincts podcast was really reassuring. If we got pregnant on our own, odds are really good that this baby is just as healthy as the others. Maybe more so, in some ways. I have more tools at my disposal and more lived experience of listening to my body (which I haven't done much of this week with the insane schedule, but am highly progesterone-motivated to do MUCH more of starting next Monday).

I'm so excited that I don't have to carry a story of symptoms getting worse with each pregnancy or with age. Pre-pregnancy I felt better than I have in ten years, so it only makes sense that would carry over to pregnancy as well. A few waves of fatigue, very occasional waves of nausea, but no victim mentality. No need to identify with a "norm." Lots of curiosity. And SO MUCH anxious hope.

Baby, you are so wanted and loved and delighted in already. You have the best siblings in the world and I want nothing more than to see you grow up alongside them. These early days feel so precarious but I also feel weirdly calm. You are so meant to be. I was thrilled to see my HCG go from 170 on June 15 to 923 on June 18. My estradiol is great and progesterone is also great compared to my other post-op labs, but I'm taking a little bit extra to help support your growth. I cannot wait to see you on ultrasound in 4 weeks and in my arms in 36 weeks! Get cozy and stay a while <3