Week 5 has been a lot of emotions coming online as reality sets in: overwhelm, guilt, fatigue, second-guessing. But last night I reminded myself that all of these feelings are growing pains. I've abruptly outgrown my previous self and God is using these 40 weeks of stretching, growing, discomfort, and unknowns to prepare me for a new reality and all that that entails. I'm journaling and getting sunlight and spending less time on social media and sitting with this discomfort to grow my capacity for this new little life joining our family.
It's hard to believe baby is only the size of a grain of rice, because he or she takes up a lot more space in my thoughts and imagination. Last night, Isaac said, "I wish we had a real baby." He loves babies so much. He's also been a lot more interested in 1:1 attention the last few weeks, bike rides with Ross, hitting wiffle balls with me... I would swear he somehow knows a change is coming. That's the part that makes me sad. But I also rest assured that I had these feelings with every pregnancy, and I immediately loved each baby AND my other kids MORE somehow when the baby arrived. God takes my lack and gives me His abundance, loaves and fishes style, when I'm holding what I do have with open hands and honestly.
My only symptoms this week are being a little more discerning about where my limited energy is going (not a bad thing, especially with June being so busy). And, well, being pretty tearful. Happy and sad tears.
Isaac is knocking on the window above me and waving as I type this out on the back deck. Rosie has been at horse day camp this week, and Noah has been working hard at basketball. Ross is gearing up for an overnight bike race this weekend and I'm just... ready for bed but enjoying the last few minutes of evening coolness and sunset light while I reflect.
It's been interesting to see biometrics this time around with my Oura ring and also the CGM I got this week (my other babies were 7# 8oz, 7# 15oz, and 8# 7oz... I'd like to reverse that trend instead of continuing to go up. Although to be fair, Noah and Rosie were those weights at 38.5 and 38.3 weeks, whereas Isaac was 41.1 weeks).
Anyway, basically between 3-4 weeks, my deep sleep significantly decreased, my HRV dropped, my resting HR and RR went up... fascinating how the body immediately goes into baby mode. And so do the emotions! Three more weeks until the first ultrasound feels like a loooooong wait, but also I'm so grateful I feel so GOOD and also last time I saw Isaac on ultrasound earlier because of the early bleeding, which I am VERY happy to skip this time.
I love our little family so dang much that going back to sleepless nights and diapers and nap schedules is an intimidating thought. This last year has felt more freeing with my physical health and kids' routines and more flexible bedtimes and the fact that everyone can wipe their own butt and ride a two-wheel bike and go camping. But I also know that this baby has been on my heart for over a year now, and God put it on Ross' heart, too. It may not be a logical choice, but I trust that it was a faithful one. And I know in my bones it will be so joyful to get one more chance to experience all of the SWEET things that come with a baby, too. And I know, 12 years in, exactly how fast those baby years go, after all. In the blink of an eye we will all be riding bikes together as a family of 6.
Oh, I randomly heard the song, Dare You to Move (throwback to the early 'aughts) a few weeks ago, and even though it was impossibly too early to know, I knew then and there that I was pregnant:
Welcome to the planet //
welcome to existence //
everyone's here //
everyone's here //
everybody's watching you now //
everybody waits for you now //
what happens next? //
what happens next?
No comments:
Post a Comment