Lent

God works in mysterious ways. I had a pretty good day at work Monday- the NICU is full enough that they've split into two units again and "my twinkies" (the twins I'm taking care of right now) are in the downstairs unit where the 'big kids' play. There are fewer alarms and it's much quieter, which means lots of cuddle time. Hands down the best part of my job.

I was holding one of the twinkies near the end of the shift Monday, letting some love soak into her skin. She has terrible acid reflux and always winces and gags during feedings, so we were just having a calm moment. It was one of those precious times (I'm sure it's all the more relevant when you're the mom and it's your child) that you realize: all we need is love.

Of course, on the heels of such a basic realization rushed all my insecurities and current stressors. Namely, grad school. I have a nagging feeling that I want more out of my job (despite those perfect but sometimes rare moments when I can sit in peace and hold a baby) and I'm wondering if grad school is the way to go. I can and probably will write a whole separate post on that dilemma, for the few people who care about my ramblings.

But for now, I'm trying to make some big decisions: Do I get Master's of Science in Nursing so I can maintain my staff nurse job but also teach clinicals to nursing students? Do I take on the challenge of Advanced Practice and become a Neonatal Nurse Practitioner or Nurse Midwife? Or do I stay right where I am, make the most of it, and effectively stay where I am for a long, long time? (The mild sense of urgency I have about all this is preceded by an announcement that by 2015, Master's programs in nursing will be replaced by a 5-year Doctor of Nursing Practice Ph. D, which I can tell you right now I'm not interested in.)

So amidst filling out applications, talking to older and wise colleagues at work, and ordering transcripts, I posted this on Facebook when I got home Monday night:

Precious are the moments at work when I can hold a baby and just let the love soak in. 

Too bad they can't help me decide what I'm meant to do with the rest of my life.


Of course, Facebook friends always have more to say than my patients do, so I woke up to a few gems, including:


-Do what fills your heart with joy! Life is too short for anything else.


-Pray, pray, pray, and God will tell you in time.


A sweet patient's mother practically made me tear up by saying, "I think you are on the right track! Words can't express how much you helped and how much you mean to my family. The way you loved and took care of my daughter... it takes a special kind of person who can do what you girls do. We love you Therese ♥"


One of my favorite nursing instructors from TCU said, "Do what makes you happy to get out of bed in the morning and say 'I get to go to work today, not I have to go to work today.'"


Finally, one of my high school friends said,  "I don't think it's a coincidence that you're experiencing these feelings on the eve of Lent. Use this special time to pray, reflect on all of awesome gifts that God has given you, and decide how you can combine your gifts and a vocation into a life that will fill you and those you serve with joy. That's what this life is all about-- not just a hedonistic search to find what gives you pleasure, but to find out how you can best serve those you love with the special gifts you have been given as a Child of God. God won't let you down. He'll overwhelm you with His generosity. Sending lots of love and prayers your way, Therese."


WOW. How humbling to read this comment just after finishing a completely hedonistic post on how I want to control my life and my body and how I feel. Of course, we have the free-will and responsibility to take care of ourselves and others, but Catherine's comment goes beyond that. It reminds me of something I heard on K-LOVE radio a few weeks ago. They were talking about how parents tell their kids, "you can be anything!" But that's not really an appropriate message. Instead, parents should be saying, "there is a job out there that only you can do and you were born to do" and it sounds like Catherine is saying the same thing to me.


It's so hard to put money and future plans aside and ask, "where do my talents and the needs of the world intersect?" It's even harder for me to put aside any preconceived notions of my own timeline and sit in God's presence and wait for an answer. And to have confidence in that answer when I feel like I might know better (ha!).


So, for Lent I'm not giving up chocolate or TV or Facebook, although all of those challenges have their place. Instead I'm going to try my darndest to give up the illusion of control in my life. I'm going to complete my applications by April 1, let admissions people do their thing, and talk to God with reckless abandon. He can soak up all my pain and give me love instead, just like I try to do for my babies at work. How great the Father's love for us!

Crammed

I feel like a weight has been lifted. I wish it was from my chest, but it's off my shoulders at least.  After 4 days of steroids, I'm still hacking away at the slightest provocation of breathlessness and I'm desperate. I do love steroids sometimes, but I'd prefer to only need them once every few years. This is the third round in the last 9 months. Something's gotta give before my bones do (nothing like getting diagnosed with osteopenia at the age of 22 to make you feel old).


1. The first to go is farm work. I probably shouldn't have blogged about Urbavore immediately after getting home when I was tired, cranky, cold, and oh-so-sore. After a hot shower and a round with the neti-pot, I was left with yes, aching muscles and wheezing, but also the immense satisfaction of a job well done. Few things can be more fundamental and important as growing your own food and knowing exactly how it got to your plate. I feel very passionately about that. But 15 hours a week on top of my full-time job is a bit ambitious even without asthma in the mix.

There is 100% chance of soaking, revitalizing, but yes cold rain today and the high temps are only supposed to hit the low 40s. I do feel a little bit  really guilty and wimpy because the farmers (one of whom is 6 months pregnant) and interns are out in the field working in this weather. I came home from work last night in a panic because a cold and wet Therese is not an animal you want to encounter in the wild, but also because cold = bronchospasms and a day out in this weather would further lower my immunity. I had to tell Brooke. Fortunately, she was very understanding.

image from google search

We're still trying to figure out if my stipulations (avoid straw, hay, debris, mold, and dust) are conducive to actually being helpful on the farm once a week. If so, I'd LOVE to stay involved, even if it means picking pole beans for hours on end beneath the summer sun (mmm... sun). But for now, I'm at home recovering. And no matter what, I will be FULLY supporting the Badseed Farmer's Market and Urbavore Farm Stand all summer- if you're in town, I'd love to take you and introduce you to the people who have poured their lives into such an incredible and worthy endeavor.

2. The second thing to go, temporarily, is gluten. Homeopathic remedies seem to be hit-or-miss, but I'm desperate and there are a good number of people who swear that a gluten-free diet reduces inflammation. As much as I love baking and eating the fruits of the breadbasket of America, I need to give gluten-free another shot. My month of clean eating in February ended after two weeks because, let's be honest, it was a lot of work and it was also inconvenient/embarrassing in social situations. (I know, there are more important things, but really. We live in a society built around convenience.)

While my stomach never really felt better, my asthma did drastically improve during those two weeks. I'm not sure if it was the lack of gluten or lack of dairy (both of which have been blamed as inflammatory culprits), so I'm going to rule one out at a time. Gluten is the first to go simply because I just stocked up on Greek yogurt (protein and calcium intake are important to maintain while on Prednisone).

This doesn't mean buying fancy gluten-free cupcakes and processed food right now. The point is to veer more toward whole food: brown rice, quinoa, and millet are all easy to make in advance and eat throughout the week. (Easy for me to say now, but in a few hours I'll be eyeing those Almond Joy Cookie Bars in the freezer and wondering if I could make a gluten-free version with oat flour instead of wheat flour!)

3. My running game was finally improving again last week. I was up to being comfortable with 3.5 miles of a run 9 minute/walk 1 minute pattern. Of course now the thought of running just makes me want to cough and wheeze. I was too sore from farm work last Tuesday and Wednesday and obviously haven't been breathing well enough to run since then. I'm going to continue to take time off until this weekend and re-evaluate. Typical of my over-compensation, I am signed up to run a 5.3 mile leg of the Brew to Brew run with co-workers on April 3. Yikes!

Photo from BrewtoBrew.com

4. Of course, just taking things away is never a healthy attitude, so I'm making it a focus to ADD more of the important things to my life:

-Getting involved in a new church that's actually conducive to new member involvement (any recommendations in the Kansas City area?)

-Counseling (embarrassing to admit, but long overdue with my history of depression and anxiety).

-The Word of God. No self-help book could ever replace His love story.

-Quality time with Ross. When BOTH of us pulled long days every day for the last week, things got grouchy fast. We are so fortunate to be able to have some leisure time in our lives and we would prefer to spend some of it together instead of alone in the apartment at different times on different days.

-Foods that please my body and not just my tastebuds- though I always aim to please both!

-Dry brushing. I mentioned it last time, and I've kept up with it sporadically, but it's strangely soothing. I can see how it centers autistic kids when they get anxious. Try it!


In the spirit of starting off on the right foot, I had some liquid sunshine with my breakfast to brighten up this dreary day. A carrot, beet, orange, and coconut smoothie.

*Disclaimer: I am a Registered Nurse, not a Registered Dietician. At work we deal with calorie and protein ratios in milk, not big-kid food. What works in my life and eating style may not work for you. But please, give me feedback on my recipes and feel free to share your own!

Liquid Sunshine serves 1 hungry girl
(you will need a food-processor or high-powered blender with these ingredients)

2-3 small steamed, peeled beets (I used pre-steamed organic beets from Hy-Vee-- don't confuse these with canned or pickled beets!)
1 orange
1 organic carrot, chopped into 1/2-inch chunks
1/2 cup coconut milk (using unsweetened SO Delicious has been cheaper than buying cans of coconut milk and it has a very mild, creamy taste that's not overwhelming)
1/4 cup unsweetened Greek yogurt (or just add another 1/4 cup of another liquid-- OJ, milk, coconut water, etc.)
3-4 ice cubes


Add ingredients to food processor or blender and blend until smooth. This may take several minutes depending on how powerful the motor is.

Pour into a tall glass and garnish with shredded coconut or chopped almonds if desired, and smile: Today will be beautiful!

(Please don't think me a hypocrite. I know that after getting on my soapbox about local food, I made a smoothie from non-local ingredients. While I'd love to get to the point where 90% of what we eat is grown within 50-100 miles, it's not practical right now mostly due to extremely limited pantry and freezer space and the fact that the local climate doesn't grow fresh fruits and vegetables year-round. Probably my biggest disappointment over not being an Urbavore intern is that I will miss out on the FREE education about preserving local food so it can sustain you even through the winter. These farmers don't just talk the talk!)

Almond Joy Cookie Bars

Now that Ross has a regular work schedule, I've been trying to keep healthy bars and muffins in the freezer for him to eat for breakfast. I found this great recipe on a blog last year, and I have made multiple batches. It's a definite winner and I can't believe it took me this long to share!

Almond Joy Cookie Bars
recipe adapted from Peas and Thank You

1 cup whole wheat pastry flour (or white whole wheat flour)
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 cup shredded coconut
1/2 cup oats
1/2 cup chopped almonds
1/2 cup dark chocolate chips
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup almond butter
1/4 cup unsweetened applesauce
1 Tbs. coconut butter or coconut oil (optional)
1/4 tsp. vanilla extract
2 Tbs. almond milk (may substitute coconut or regular milk as well)

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

In a large bowl, combine flour, baking soda, salt, coconut, oats, almonds and chocolate chips. 

In a small bowl, mix the sugar, almond butter, applesauce, oil, vanilla, and milk.

Add wet to dry and stir until combined. If it seems to dry, add a splash more milk.

Eat as much batter as you want, because it's vegan and there are no raw eggs!

Spray an 8x8 or 9x9 pan with non-stick cooking spray and press dough into bottom of pan. Bake for 20-25 minutes until set and light brown around the edges. Allow to cool (if you can wait!) before cutting into bars. Makes 12-16 squares.

Ross' Truffle Shuffle 5k

I had high hopes for the race. Ross and I were going to run it together and beat last year's times of 32 minutes. But that was before I made the very bad decision to spread hay on a field for 15 hours of my week. Friday found me in the midst of an asthma attack at work. Fortunately, my doctor's office was right down the hall and I got a prescription of Prednisone and a stern reprimand to NOT run a 5k the next day. To be honest, I still wanted to but couldn't even lay down on my back without coughing. I may be stubborn, but I'm not stupid.

To make matters worse, Ross didn't get home from work until 11pm. I told him I wasn't able to run and asked if he wanted to. He said, "we'll see." So we went to bed without an alarm but woke up by 7:30 (the race was at 8:30). I asked if he wanted to run and he said, "I guess." We hurried through breakfast and headed out to JCCC.

Ross registered, I parked, he had about 5 minutes to "warm up," and they were off.

Did I mention is was 26 degrees and "felt like" 16?!

The poor girl in the tutu was cute, but she looked colder than I was!

The race looped away from campus, but I didn't remember that about last year, so I cut through campus after the start hoping to find Ross around mile 1.5 or 2. No such luck, of course. Fortunately, I busted it back to the start/finish line and headed out on the course in time to meet Ross a little before mile 3. Still going strong!

So proud of him! After I saw him on this hill, I cut across the grass and barely met him at the finish line.

Done! In 28 minutes and 30 seconds... 4 minutes faster than last year! I'm so proud of him, especially considering the late breakfast (and thus throwing up mid-run) and the lack of warm-up in freezing weather. What a way to start the weekend.

I love you, Ross!

P.S. Apparently he wore my shoe tag, so his official results are under my name (we both registered, so we picked up both bags because hey, we paid for them). "I" got 9th place in my age group. (The first place girl ran a SUB-20 5k. Crazy.) Thanks, Ross!

Catch Up

I haven't had a day off in an entire week. Yikes! Longer post coming tomorrow, but here's what the last few days have involved:


-Asthma attack and steriods. Gross.

-Wondering how to make and keep real friends here?!

-Lots of prayer and thought (and, yes, stress) about what I want to do with my life this summer and beyond.

-Stressing over the hospital-wide insurance audit on dependents. Seriously?!

-Finding a new church to attend for the first time tomorrow. We'd been going to one, but had trouble getting involved- they had to turn down 100 people who wanted to be in small groups. Time to find a more organized and mature church!

-Loving some of the sweet babies and parents in the NICU right now, even though we're back to the chaos of 2 units.

-Encouraging a fellow hearing-impaired student through her last year of nursing school.

-Cheering for Ross as he ran a 5k in sub-20 degree temps this morning before I headed to work at 11am.

-Signing up for the Brew to Brew relay and the Warrior Dash this summer. Possibly influenced by the fact that I'm overcompensating since the doctor forbade me to run the 5k I registered for today. (Although, even in my stubbornness, I'm smart enough to know this is the worst my asthma has been in my entire life and I will do anything and everything to make it go away. Speaking of which, any ideas?! Steroids eat away at my bones and the lining of my stomach, make me have weird dreams, and give me heart palpitations. I would like to avoid them in the future.)

-Starting a budget this month so we can begin the long process of saving for a house.

-Planning 3 meals/week that both Ross and I will eat- hoping this leads to more responsible grocery shopping which is more budget-friendly.


WOW just typing it all out makes me feel overwhelmed again. Time to crawl into bed and dive into God's Word. I'm thinking my great Bible time last night led to the best hour of sleep I've had in a LONG time- until Ross came home at 11pm and woke me up. Here's hoping for a longer stretch tonight. Neither of us has to wake up to an alarm tomorrow- BLISS!

Thanks for letting me vent :o)

The Real Price of Food

Day 2 at the farm, and I'm much worse for the wear. There isn't a muscle in my body that doesn't hurt. My foot muscles are sore from constantly jumping onto a pitchfork andy hands and forearms are stiff from using said pitchfork to wedge out clumps of grass around the borders of the onion beds for what felt like forever three hours.

This was after the 4 hours spent spreading more straw on the top plot. We ran out of straw, but we're still not done covering the field. Then, just when I thought I was done with the hay and in the clear, we had to turn (moldy, wet) hay out from some of the beds so they can plant sugar snap peas and fava beans tomorrow.

I'm a wimp, you can say it. But I now know that local, organic food suddenly seems like a bargain now that I have a tiny inkling of the work that goes into it.

Hay Fever

My first day (6 hours) at Urbavore is over, and I'm kind of dreading going back tomorrow for 9 more hours! I don't know what I was expecting out of today, but it was gorgeous and sunny and I worked hard, and I can't decide if I love it or hate it.

Allow me to explain. I've been struggling with my asthma since October. February finally saw some improvement, but it's safe to say that's over. (I guess February does have one redeeming quality after all!) I'm allergic to dust mites and mold, but I've worked on farms before and never had a problem with pollen or "hay fever." Until today. Urbavore is the second commercial-scale no-till farm in the nation, and definitely the biggest. It's a huge honor to be part of their inaugural year, and also a huge undertaking.

Apparently no-till farming is modeled off of a forest floor. Think of that moist, organic, "woodsy" smell that accompanied your last hike. That's from the constant cycle of natural decomposition that happens when no one is looking. Leaves fall, rain falls, animals poop, the matter decomposes, and earthworms frolic throughout. The forest floor is full of the richest dirt you'll find when you're not even looking.

Since farmers want to produce vegetables and not just vegetation, they move this pattern out into the fields for additional sunlight. Of course, this means the trees don't naturally drop leaves on the fields. Instead, farmers (and interns) have to cover the plot in straw to start this process. Enter, asthma. Straw bales are filled with A LOT of dust and mold. I've been blowing black stuff out of my nose all day, my throat is tight, and my eyelids are swollen. I really hope this doesn't last all summer. I can't handle that.

With 2 experienced farmers and 5 interns working, we didn't finish covering the third vegetable plot today. I don't know how Brooke did the first 1 1/2 plots by herself. (She's pregnant and she's still a better worker than the rest of us!)

I like to say I'm not afraid of hard work, but I don't know if that's true now. The thought of 8 months of days like today makes me want to crawl under the covers and hide. I do know I'm afraid of making my asthma worse and chronic inflammation causing lasting problems.

I also know it's an honor to be part of something so big, something that can and will make an impact on local farming techniques. I'll also learn a lot of "homesteading" techniques I can put to use when I have my own garden one day. No-till is tedious on 13 acres, but it has worked well for decades in home gardens. So here's hoping the work improves, or at least my breathing does.