MOMCON 2017

I took a leap of faith and signed up to go to MOMcon with an 8 week old. I was ridiculously proud of myself and Rosie the whole weekend. It was a little stressful, because she was emerging from the sleepy newborn stage and was too fussy for me to sit through every session. But I was so paralyzed with anxiety as a brand new mom that getting out of the house the second time around always feels like a huge victory! I threw the schedule out the door, let her nap in the carrier or the stroller, nursed in public, and... survived.

While I was packing for the weekend, Noah was also throwing stuff in the suitcase for Rosie. Namely, a digger truck that's as big as she is, crayons, and a coloring book. Most thoughtful brother ever. The love goes both ways. We facetimed the boys one evening, and Rosie smiled when she saw Noah! 

There were some tears and some anxiety, to be sure. Poor Ross had to field a few panicked phone calls when I felt like I'd gotten in over my head. The trickiest part was getting back to the hotel room with an overtired baby and needing to shower and get ready for bed without any help, since everyone else was out being social. (Although Rosie was magical and slept from 10pm-5am both nights!) I'm SO glad I went. The nursing mom area was quiet and restful, the speakers were encouraging, and the praise and worship was such a balm for my frazzled and insecure soul.

I took a few notes for MOPS friends who couldn't attend, and I want to save them for myself, too.

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Ann Voskamp gave a talk based on the concept of her latest book, The Broken Way. Here's what stood out to me:

-Sometimes in motherhood, it goes dark. Fly by the light of the instruments on the hard days. (Instruments = the Bible and God's promises therein.)

-Whatever you've done, you can't wreck your life of your motherhood, because Christ's love is unstoppable.

-The only sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit. Mother ducks line their nest with feathers from their breast, not with scrap feathers and leftovers. We are called to do the same, and this is only possible in Christ. Real mothering doesn't always feel like you're really living. Sometimes it can feel like you're really kind of dying. Hard things don't mean you aren't doing the right thing.

-The moment at which we are most repelled by our child's behavior is when we need to draw close to them and love them.

-Hug them at every meal so they are emotionally fed as well as physically fed.

-God's Word never goes away, passes away, or falls away-- but it is always given to show us the Way. You will be able to handle your world as well as you handle His Word.

-The parent must ALWAYS self-preach before child-teach.

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Here's my summary of the Making Play a Meaningful Experience workshop. The teacher encouraged one hour of playing WITH your child per day, which is a huge struggle for me, but something I can work toward!

-IF YOU AND YOUR CHILD ARE ENGAGED, MOTIVATED, AND HAVING FUN, you are doing a good job playing!

-Types of play: sensory, manipulative, construction, grow motor, dramatic, art, music, books, games with rules.

-Benefits of play: social and emotional connections, seeing the perspectives of others, enables a range of thinking skills, practice of academic skills, fosters confidence and control, ignites imagination and creation, and is fun!

-I am the protector of play-- I should not be using screens to distract myself or my child during play time.

-I am the observer of play-- I get to watch my child's interests and talents develop, and observe what types of activity my child prefers and why (kids need play to be a little bit challenging so as not to bore them, but not too challenging so as to frustrate them).

-I am a co-player, which means I:

    a. model attitude-- curiosity and motivation ("I wonder why..."), thoughtful actions, withheld  judgment, failure is okay, change and grow

    b. support positive social skills (turn-taking, collaboration, point of view and feelings, being a good sport)

    c. build strategic thinking skills (comment on successes, ask questions like, "what/how/why? what would happen if?" and review what worked)

    d. build language (new vocabulary for familiar concepts i.e. "this tower is gigantic" vs "this tower is big", compare opinions or viewpoints to build conversation skills, encourage asking questions)

    e. support development and learning (introduce new concepts and skills, apply science, math, and reading skills)

    f. have fun! (Play is NOT teaching, even though much learning happens-- any teaching that occurs should be informal and fun)

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I went to (and loved) the talk on Chasing Slow by Erin Loechner. My notes are spotty because baby was getting pretty fussy. She made a few really good points I was bummed I didn't catch!

Here's what I got:

-Burnout = refinement; the good comes from the hard; but you do need to distinguish between the trials God grants us versus those we put on ourselves.

-To slow down you life, slow down your day. You don't have to know how you'll fill however many years you have left, but you can decide how you're going to fill your day.

-When my identity is in being a child of God, a bad day is just a bad day.

-The opposite of control isn't chaos, it's surrender.

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And here's my summary of the workshop on Emotions and Young Children by David Thomas:

-Feelings are just feelings-- not good or bad in themselves.

-ABCs of Emotional Development:
    A. Reading Emotions-- Use a feelings chart to develop an emotional vocabulary in your household and model that language as parents. Make sure you're expression is congruent with your words (don't yell, "I'm not mad at you...")
    B. Regulating Emotions-- Misery loves company. Anchoring is when a child tries to drag you down with them, and of course mom is usually the anchor of choice. Our job is to redirect or take the emotion in a different direction (this is NOT the same as invalidating the emotion, avoiding it, or numbing it). David recommends having a space and a list of 5 ways to deal with emotions. This space shouldn't be the same as their time-out space, and especially if you have boys, at least 3 of the 5 options need to involve movement, and none of the options should be screens or food. Know your child and their age and preferences. This spot can contain a punching bag, a journal, coloring pages, trampoline, etc.
    C. Responding to Emotions with Empathy-- Use reflective statements ("what I hear you saying, is that you're nervous about going to this birthday party.") Practice conversations or whatever scenario they're nervous about. Practice conversational reciprocity (at dinner, when mom asks how your day was, you also ask her how her day was).

-These are never quick fixes. It takes years to develop this, and with some kids, you have to labor longer. Practice makes progress!

-Keep in mind that temperament does affect your child's emotional journey (introvert vs. extrovert). For your introverted child, avoid saying they're shy. Instead, frame things positively. They are cautions, observant, intuitive. They have a spider-sense where they can sense, see, and hear things that other people can't.

-Ideas for further emotional development:
Games (Chit Chat or Table Topic cards at dinner. Ask the questions and also have them ask you back.)
Books (He recommended a kids' book called Owen, and a juvenile fiction book called Wonder.)
Media (Watch Pixar movies with your child, and pause them to ask, "What's he feeling? What is he about to do?)

If you're really interested in this, I actually listened him to talk about really similar concepts in a podcast a few months ago. You can find the podcast here, as well as a link to a feelings chart you can print:
http://godcenteredmom.com/…/emotional-milestones-sissy-gof…/

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Two songs really stood out to me, too. 

I Have This Hope and There is a Cloud resonated with the season I was in and brought tears to my eyes. I was right between the sweet newborn days and returning to "real life," and not being quiet sure if things were about to get easier or harder. My past experience was weighing heavily on my, and I was hypervigilant about colic and anxiety returning, even as I snuggled my pretty genial little one all day.

I needed to remember, "I have this hope/ In the depths of my soul/ In the flood or the fire/ You're with me and you won't let go."

And this closing song was all worship: 

"Hear the Word, roaring as thunder

With a new future to tell
For the dry season is over
There is a cloud, beginning to swell

To the skies, heavy with blessing
Lift your eyes, offer your heart
Jesus Christ, opened the heavens
Now we receive, the Spirit of God

We receive Your rain"

On the Eve of 6 Weeks

It's funny, I felt so sane and present the first few weeks after we brought Rosie home, and swore my memories would be crystal clear, but now it's already all a blur. I cannot believe my sweet little newborn is going to be 6 weeks old tomorrow. The past two weeks, she's been much more awake and alert, she gains more head control every day, she's tracking with her eyes and thinking about reaching for things with her hands, and she's even rolled over once! I swear I got some intentional smiles in the first two weeks, but I can tell we are really close to seeing some social smiles now, and I can't wait.

In the meantime, I don't know how to handle the 6 week milestone. This is probably further exacerbated by the fact that I'm pretty sure sister is pushing 12 pounds already. She doesn't look like a  newborn! The passage of time is always so bittersweet. The first few weeks, I just love telling people, "oh, she's 2... 3... 4 weeks old" when they ask. Those first few golden weeks pass like pearls threaded on a chain. So perfect and unique and individual. But then around weeks 5 and 6, they start to blur together. Time speeds up. And as much as it makes me want to cry, I know that in no time, the weeks will be scattered around me like beads spilling onto the floor. Each one rich with history, but in a hurry to pile on top of each other in a chaotic mess.

I was so intentional about my postpartum experience this time, which is another post on its own. But I'd seen so much about really protecting the first 40 days and making recovery a priority. I did really well for the first 3 weeks. Less well for the second three weeks. And now that the 40 days have passed, now what?

I feel like the world was ready for me to be back on my feet by 2-3 weeks. For the most part, I was able to avoid that temptation, but now it's harder to say no. I see two lactation clients this week because we desperately need the money for all of our hospital bills. I'm feeling silly turning down playdate invitations, even while I worry about my friendships moving on without me. While I struggle to grasp the fleeting days of babyhood, the world spins on and I'm starting to get overwhelmed!

So I sit here trying to burn present scenes into my memory: the way Rosie's eyes flutter as she's falling asleep. The delicious rolls on her legs. The little routine we have where she cluster feeds at 5, 6:30, and 8pm and then sleeps until 2:30am, and then goes back to sleep until brother's morning shenanigans cause her to stir. Her sweet little smell. The way she stretches when she first wakes up. The way she trusts me implicitly. The way Noah reports: sister's crying, sister's bless-you-ing (sneezing), sister's hungry again!

Every day I fail in a million ways, but I hope my babies always know how much I love them, how intensely I want to be present for their early days, and how much I need Jesus to fill in the gaps when I fail to meet my own expectations.