MOMCON 2017

I took a leap of faith and signed up to go to MOMcon with an 8 week old. I was ridiculously proud of myself and Rosie the whole weekend. It was a little stressful, because she was emerging from the sleepy newborn stage and was too fussy for me to sit through every session. But I was so paralyzed with anxiety as a brand new mom that getting out of the house the second time around always feels like a huge victory! I threw the schedule out the door, let her nap in the carrier or the stroller, nursed in public, and... survived.

While I was packing for the weekend, Noah was also throwing stuff in the suitcase for Rosie. Namely, a digger truck that's as big as she is, crayons, and a coloring book. Most thoughtful brother ever. The love goes both ways. We facetimed the boys one evening, and Rosie smiled when she saw Noah! 

There were some tears and some anxiety, to be sure. Poor Ross had to field a few panicked phone calls when I felt like I'd gotten in over my head. The trickiest part was getting back to the hotel room with an overtired baby and needing to shower and get ready for bed without any help, since everyone else was out being social. (Although Rosie was magical and slept from 10pm-5am both nights!) I'm SO glad I went. The nursing mom area was quiet and restful, the speakers were encouraging, and the praise and worship was such a balm for my frazzled and insecure soul.

I took a few notes for MOPS friends who couldn't attend, and I want to save them for myself, too.

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Ann Voskamp gave a talk based on the concept of her latest book, The Broken Way. Here's what stood out to me:

-Sometimes in motherhood, it goes dark. Fly by the light of the instruments on the hard days. (Instruments = the Bible and God's promises therein.)

-Whatever you've done, you can't wreck your life of your motherhood, because Christ's love is unstoppable.

-The only sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit. Mother ducks line their nest with feathers from their breast, not with scrap feathers and leftovers. We are called to do the same, and this is only possible in Christ. Real mothering doesn't always feel like you're really living. Sometimes it can feel like you're really kind of dying. Hard things don't mean you aren't doing the right thing.

-The moment at which we are most repelled by our child's behavior is when we need to draw close to them and love them.

-Hug them at every meal so they are emotionally fed as well as physically fed.

-God's Word never goes away, passes away, or falls away-- but it is always given to show us the Way. You will be able to handle your world as well as you handle His Word.

-The parent must ALWAYS self-preach before child-teach.

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Here's my summary of the Making Play a Meaningful Experience workshop. The teacher encouraged one hour of playing WITH your child per day, which is a huge struggle for me, but something I can work toward!

-IF YOU AND YOUR CHILD ARE ENGAGED, MOTIVATED, AND HAVING FUN, you are doing a good job playing!

-Types of play: sensory, manipulative, construction, grow motor, dramatic, art, music, books, games with rules.

-Benefits of play: social and emotional connections, seeing the perspectives of others, enables a range of thinking skills, practice of academic skills, fosters confidence and control, ignites imagination and creation, and is fun!

-I am the protector of play-- I should not be using screens to distract myself or my child during play time.

-I am the observer of play-- I get to watch my child's interests and talents develop, and observe what types of activity my child prefers and why (kids need play to be a little bit challenging so as not to bore them, but not too challenging so as to frustrate them).

-I am a co-player, which means I:

    a. model attitude-- curiosity and motivation ("I wonder why..."), thoughtful actions, withheld  judgment, failure is okay, change and grow

    b. support positive social skills (turn-taking, collaboration, point of view and feelings, being a good sport)

    c. build strategic thinking skills (comment on successes, ask questions like, "what/how/why? what would happen if?" and review what worked)

    d. build language (new vocabulary for familiar concepts i.e. "this tower is gigantic" vs "this tower is big", compare opinions or viewpoints to build conversation skills, encourage asking questions)

    e. support development and learning (introduce new concepts and skills, apply science, math, and reading skills)

    f. have fun! (Play is NOT teaching, even though much learning happens-- any teaching that occurs should be informal and fun)

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I went to (and loved) the talk on Chasing Slow by Erin Loechner. My notes are spotty because baby was getting pretty fussy. She made a few really good points I was bummed I didn't catch!

Here's what I got:

-Burnout = refinement; the good comes from the hard; but you do need to distinguish between the trials God grants us versus those we put on ourselves.

-To slow down you life, slow down your day. You don't have to know how you'll fill however many years you have left, but you can decide how you're going to fill your day.

-When my identity is in being a child of God, a bad day is just a bad day.

-The opposite of control isn't chaos, it's surrender.

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And here's my summary of the workshop on Emotions and Young Children by David Thomas:

-Feelings are just feelings-- not good or bad in themselves.

-ABCs of Emotional Development:
    A. Reading Emotions-- Use a feelings chart to develop an emotional vocabulary in your household and model that language as parents. Make sure you're expression is congruent with your words (don't yell, "I'm not mad at you...")
    B. Regulating Emotions-- Misery loves company. Anchoring is when a child tries to drag you down with them, and of course mom is usually the anchor of choice. Our job is to redirect or take the emotion in a different direction (this is NOT the same as invalidating the emotion, avoiding it, or numbing it). David recommends having a space and a list of 5 ways to deal with emotions. This space shouldn't be the same as their time-out space, and especially if you have boys, at least 3 of the 5 options need to involve movement, and none of the options should be screens or food. Know your child and their age and preferences. This spot can contain a punching bag, a journal, coloring pages, trampoline, etc.
    C. Responding to Emotions with Empathy-- Use reflective statements ("what I hear you saying, is that you're nervous about going to this birthday party.") Practice conversations or whatever scenario they're nervous about. Practice conversational reciprocity (at dinner, when mom asks how your day was, you also ask her how her day was).

-These are never quick fixes. It takes years to develop this, and with some kids, you have to labor longer. Practice makes progress!

-Keep in mind that temperament does affect your child's emotional journey (introvert vs. extrovert). For your introverted child, avoid saying they're shy. Instead, frame things positively. They are cautions, observant, intuitive. They have a spider-sense where they can sense, see, and hear things that other people can't.

-Ideas for further emotional development:
Games (Chit Chat or Table Topic cards at dinner. Ask the questions and also have them ask you back.)
Books (He recommended a kids' book called Owen, and a juvenile fiction book called Wonder.)
Media (Watch Pixar movies with your child, and pause them to ask, "What's he feeling? What is he about to do?)

If you're really interested in this, I actually listened him to talk about really similar concepts in a podcast a few months ago. You can find the podcast here, as well as a link to a feelings chart you can print:
http://godcenteredmom.com/…/emotional-milestones-sissy-gof…/

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Two songs really stood out to me, too. 

I Have This Hope and There is a Cloud resonated with the season I was in and brought tears to my eyes. I was right between the sweet newborn days and returning to "real life," and not being quiet sure if things were about to get easier or harder. My past experience was weighing heavily on my, and I was hypervigilant about colic and anxiety returning, even as I snuggled my pretty genial little one all day.

I needed to remember, "I have this hope/ In the depths of my soul/ In the flood or the fire/ You're with me and you won't let go."

And this closing song was all worship: 

"Hear the Word, roaring as thunder

With a new future to tell
For the dry season is over
There is a cloud, beginning to swell

To the skies, heavy with blessing
Lift your eyes, offer your heart
Jesus Christ, opened the heavens
Now we receive, the Spirit of God

We receive Your rain"

A Fierce Flourishing

I joined MOPS* back in August and I was kind of stressed about the first meeting. It meant Noah was going to miss a nap. Let's just say that in general, I don't handle change well, and in the throes of postpartum anxiety and new motherhood, I REALLY didn't handle change well. But I went. And I haven't looked back once.

The MOPS theme this year was A Fierce Flourishing, and oh, how I needed to hear that was possible. Even though I'd had my child 15 months prior, I was really only just realizing the depths of my postpartum pain and anxiety. I've spent a lot of time and money since then, trying to make progress in both, and I've seen plenty of ups and downs there. But you know what gave me the most freedom this past year? The most relief? Being in a room full of other moms. Seeing that no two are alike but all of us love our children fiercely. All of us are horribly afraid of 'failing' as a mom, whatever that looks like. All of us have struggles. And never once did I feel judged when I shared heavy thoughts, or cried, or vented about having a strong-willed child.

When the leaders introduced the theme at the first meeting, they read this year's verse to us: "For you shall go out with joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands." Isaiah 55:12

It took all my willpower not to start crying then and there. The relief was palpable. Like a weight had been lifted. These words were like a balm to my heart. When I heard this, I'd been waking up each morning with a feeling of dread. With a heavy heart and the assurance that I couldn't possibly do this day all over again. The racing thoughts, the heart palpitations, the frequent night wake-ups with insomnia in between, the baby nap strikes, and always, always, the pain.

To be reminded that God calls us to JOY, and that he promises PEACE was exactly what I needed to hear. It got me to come home and open up my Bible and look to all the places where God reassures us that his promises are TRUE**. That this word does not go out and come back empty. In fact, that same chapter in Isaiah says that!

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord.
'As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord's renown,
for an everlasting sign,
that will endure forever.'"
Isaiah 55:8-13 (emphasis mine)

I notice the twin threads of peace and joy everywhere now. The words stand out on any page. It's been funny to see how they've played out in the last 9 months. I got pregnant shortly after that first meeting, and when the panic overwhelmed me, I cried out, "how is this joy?!" I had just emerged from the newborn haze with Noah, I had a plan that felt manageable, and I was seemingly on the road to physical and emotional recovery. I was deeply fearful of how a pregnancy would impact that. But several friends were able to whisper, "there is joy here." And when I let go of my fear and my plans (again) and started to get excited about another baby, literally a bundle of joy from a good, good Father, we lost it. Again I cried, "how is this joy?!" And God rushed in with peace beyond understanding.

And now, as MOPS wraps up for the year, that's where I sit. Alternating between peace beyond understanding, and fear that I will do something to somehow ruin this peace. So yeah, I still have a ways to go.

This year, we focused on embracing rest, noticing goodness, and celebrating lavishly. Our devotional for the year notes that, "we become more ourselves when we celebrate, rest, and notice... and that looks a lot like flourishing." I LOVE that I can claim it fiercely. That I can take all my pent up anxiety and direct that energy into flourishing instead of floudering. Into activities that refresh me instead of drain me. And MOPS has absolutely been an activity that refreshed me from the inside out.

I'm so grateful to the MOPS ministry for reminding me of God's sovereign rule even as I adjust to this new role of motherhood. I looked forward to every single meeting, when I knew I would be able to rest in the presence of other adults and feel cared for. It has meant the world to me, and I'm so excited for next year!


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*MOPS stands for Mothers of Preschoolers, but is actually available to anyone with children under the age of 5. I wish I'd joined when Noah was a baby!

**See Hebrews 10, 1 Thessalonians 5, Deuteronomy 7, 1 Corinthians 1