I (can't) do all the things

On the elevator at work Sunday morning, a medical resident I've never met before was puffing himself up by complaining about how long his night had been. He mentioned that, unlike nurses, residents don't get compensated for working the extra hour when time falls back every fall.

I humored him to his face, but really I was thinking, "Dude, that's why I went to nursing school and not medical school. You chose to do this. Didn't you know what you were getting into?"

Boom. Sanctification station. How many of you all have thought this about me every time I complain about busy-ness this fall? As Nichole Nordeman says, "I wonder now if the choice was mine. The door was open and I walked inside. Nobody had my arm twisted. I lost myself in small pieces; it happened over time."

My friend Jessi is fond of the statement "all the things." As in, "I thought I had to do all the things." She used this phrase a lot in a talk she gave last month about how to fail well. And I really needed to hear it.

I have too many things on my plate. While I appreciate those who have told me to back off, I know it's not that season. I had that season this summer. This is the season for digging in and following through on commitments and learning things the hard way.

I just wrote and then deleted a detailed paragraph about all my time commitments this month. Suffice to say, the details don't matter. The point is, it's too much. In order to sleep and take care of my physical self, I've cut out things that actually mean something to me: getting to know women at church, initiating outings with potential new friends, reading books that don't have to do with nursing research. Because I can't do all the things. I don't know how to be a good wife, I don't know how to make good friends, but I do know that I'm not doing it right.

My tears have already given me a glimpse at this crumbling facade. I like to think I can do all the things. I complain about how much I have to do, so that when I do it you know just how hard that was. I am starting a new job soon so that I can learn to do one thing well, but until mid-December I'm going to be doing a lot of things very poorly. And I pray that God will give me the grace not to burn any bridges along the way. Because I can't do anything right outside of Him.



Stand by Britt Nicole

I wake up to another day
I don't know if I can face
All the fears that are staring me down
Yeah, I'm trying to be brave
But I'm a thread, about to fray
I wanna stand but I don't know how

I look up and all I see is
Your love holding me
When I feel like giving up
When my heart is hurt too much
Feels like I've reached the end
No, I won't turn and run
This battle will be won
When I've done all I can
I stand stand stand

Some days I lose my place
It's a fight to keep my faith
But You are with me, I am not alone, no
But all around my world gives way
Tossed like an ocean wave
You are my rock and the storm clouds blow

On Your promise, I will stand
All other ground is sinking sand
On Your promise, I will stand
All other ground is sinking sand

A Disservice to the Cross

This Friday, a friend made a comment that stopped me in my tracks:

If you go to bed at night thinking you will do better tomorrow, you're doing a disservice to the cross.

Wait.

What?

Almost every single night, I'm laying in bed thinking that tomorrow, I will stop pulling my hair when I'm anxious. Tomorrow, I will stop eating when I feel sad or bored, and just eat when I'm hungry. Tomorrow, I will do my homework and not waste time. Tomorrow, I will tell my loved ones how much they mean to me. Tomorrow, I will be able to make big decisions. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

Let's be honest. If behavior modification were the answer, I would have 'fixed myself' years ago. The point is, I will never be perfect. While we are still sinners, Christ dies for us. That's a hard truth for me to swallow. I'm well-versed in my own sin. I have no illusions as to the nature of my true self. Why should someone else take the blame?

How do you let someone step in front of you when you know full well that you deserve punishment to fit the crime? When I think I can do better tomorrow or I can fix this, I'm denying the fact that Jesus had to die so that I might live. Because I can't just do better. And if I think I can, I'm placing myself in the position of God, no? Let's not lose the weight of this: WE need GOD. Not the other way around.

I'm not saying that I can't strive to honor the body and the responsibilities and the family members I've been given in this life. But I am saying that only one thing is of first importance. And only in light of the cross can I actually do anything of lasting importance.

And when the idea of doing something of 'lasting importance' completely overwhelms me, I can rest in the arms of my Creator and know that simply living in thanksgiving of this Gift is all He asks of me.

I remember my affliction and my wandering,
    the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
    and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind
    and therefore I have hope:

 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his mercies never fail.

They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him."

{Lamentations 3:19-24}

The Right Thing at the Wrong Time

The right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing.

Such simple words, spoken by a wise woman.

The right thing
at the wrong time
is still the wrong thing.

I have pages and pages of notes from the Influence conference this weekend but that line keeps resonating with me. Unlike it seemed to be for a lot of people, Influence wasn't a super-fun amazingwonderfulspectacular weekend for me. It was, however, thought-provoking and life-affirming. Really, I couldn't think of a better way to sum up this past year. It seemed like each speaker in the "Life" track sessions addressed a different aspect of my 2012.

I slept less than I should have, but that was more thanks to taking Sudafed before bed than to late-night conversations. Even though my roommates and I weren't up late chatting, I couldn't have asked for a better group of girls. Chelsea, Heather, and Emily were easy-going, low-maintenance, and down-to-earth. (And I now know that when your friend is not 6 feet 3 inches tall, it's totally possible to comfortably share a full-sized bed with someone and not touch.)

From dinner Thursday night

So have I been influenced? Absolutely. I'm ready to set this little light of mine on a hill. Witnessing God's work this year has been the joy of my heart and it's growing harder and harder not to share what he's done: pain, mess, and all.

Yet I hesitate. I'm nothing if not impulsive. All-or-nothing. Black and white. This weekend re-affirmed that this season I'm in? It's called waiting. And I'm so pleased to obey my good and gracious Father for once. I don't need to move forward for the sake of progress. I don't need to rationalize decisions and barge into something that allows my kingdom to come and my will to be done. That's ugly. And I've done that for far, far too long.

I feel the simultaneous and conflicting, yet complimentary tensions between 1 Peter 3 and Isaiah 54:

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. [1 Peter 3:3-4]

I've spent so much time being quiet and bitter, or quiet and scared, or quiet and awkward. But finally, I feel the tug toward a quiet and gentle spirit.  At the same time, the Lord says,

Enlarge the place of your tent,
stretch your tent curtains wide,
do not hold back;
lengthen your cords,
strengthen your stakes.
For you will spread out to the right and to the left;
your descendants will dispossess nationsand settle in their desolate cities. [Isaiah 54:2-3]

I loved that image when Jessi read this verse on Friday. The call to stretch your tent curtains and lengthen your cords is a call I've reluctantly and unwillingly answered this year. But in retrospect, God is using this stress to strengthen my stakes and I'm rooted anew in a Savior I can never deserve.

I still have a lot to think about and digest, but I'm grateful for this weekend. Grateful for vulnerability. Grateful that I had the opportunity to leave home and become a part of this 'tribe of women,' if you will. And I'm overwhelmingly grateful that absence makes the heart grow fonder and I came home to husband willing to listen to me sort some of this stuff out. So grateful.

P.S. The hotel was attached to a nice mall and I finally tried on a pair of Toms. I bought them on the spot. They're like sweatpants for your feet. Watch out, world. My wardrobe just got more casual. (I can hear Ross cringing already).

Vulnerability

Vulnerable (vul·ner·a·ble) adj.

Susceptible to physical or emotional injury.

Susceptible to attack.

Open to censure or criticism; assailable.

I am headed to Indianapolis tomorrow with a handful of people I kind of know and lots of people I've never met. This is very unlike me. I'm a homebody and I like familiarity and routine.

I'm... nervous. And feeling very, very vulnerable. What if these strangers judge me for my frizzy, uneven hair and my ill-fitting clothes? Why has my face broken out again? Why am I so nervous I'm actually nauseated? Will I be able to get the sleep I desperately need this weekend?

Please pray for me if you are so inclined. I see this weekend going one of two ways: 1.) I pull my usual stunts when I'm overwhelmed and I basically cower in a corner and don't talk to anyone because I'm intimidated. 2.) By the grace of God I'm able to reach out and partake in conversations and develop real friendships with other women who have similar interests.

Let's hope for the latter!

Breathe

Two things.

1.) Who knew being back at work work today would be such a breath of fresh air? I was stretched further than I relized in the last two days and familiar faces and routines were a sweet relief this morning.

2.) Back in college, my favorite song was called "Breathe (2am)." The line that had me listening to the song on repeat crooned, "There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout. 'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out. And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again. If you'd only try turning around."

I was struggling a lot during those years-- yearning for control yet not knowing where my life was going to go. Except I couldn't put my feelings into words back then and I just felt general teen angst for lack of a better term.

If I start thinking too hard right now, that familiar angst tries to come creeping back. I spent the last 2 days working very long 12-hour clinical shifts in charge of a cohort of students and yesterday around lunchtime, when I realized I was actually going to survive those first two days (thanks for all the prayers), it hit me that I still had to go to work work this week and my heart sank. Five 12s in six days doesn't leave much time for reading and writing the paper that I have due on Monday. It also doesn't leave much time to hang out with my husband who's also busy with school.

Really, the point I'm trying to make here is that a.) I'm surprisingly not drowning in panic like I was this past January when I was equally as busy, if not more so. I am exhausted, though. And b.) there's a light at the end of this tunnel. I finish my current class and clinical rotation mid-October and conveniently (more Providence than coincidence) the Influence Conference falls over my fall break. I bit the bullet this summer and bought a ticket. A friend even set me up with my roomie: the lovely Emily from Country Roots and Cowgirl Boots.

Influence is a Christian women's conference that stemmed from the conversations of several women and their desire to make much of Jesus. I was sold when I read this description:

"If you’ve ever wondered how or why the Lord was going to use you in your home, work, community, or online – Influence is a fantastic place to connect and learn. We believe that God has given you influence right where you are, for one purpose: to make much of Him. At Influence we’re going to dig into the common thread of all of us – the Good News. We plan on doing a little teaching, talking, sharing, and celebrating concerning the ways He might want to use you on the individual platforms He’s given."

Since the conference is rapidly approaching, a few bloggers thought it would be fun to link up to some other women attending. I'm linking up to Jessi's post over at Naptime Diaries. The prompts for the meet and greet are pretty simple:

3 get-to-know-me things
2 things I'm looking forward to about the conference
1 thing I can't leave home without

get to know me

...I desire deep friendships but between being introverted and hearing impaired, I fear I often come across as rude. If I don't talk to you, please come up and talk to me! I'm just waiting for an icebreaker. Also, if we're talking and I don't reply or if I have a confused look on my face, I probably didn't hear you. I'm not ignoring you. I love listening!

...Completely on a whim, I changed my major to nursing at college orientation. I wanted to change majors every semester thereafter, but for some reason I stuck with it. The minute I graduated, I realized choosing nursing was one of the best decisions I ever made and I can't take any credit for it!

...I'm the oldest of 4 kids and the only girl. Consequently, I tend to mother people. It works great for my babies at work, but not so great for the ever-loving people in my life who don't want to be treated like they're 5 years old. Oops!

what I'm looking forward to at Influence

...Meeting like-minded women and making lasting friendships with women I seem to have a lot in common with.

...Exploring a new city and taking a vacation without the weight of homework hanging over me.

can't leave home without

...A water bottle and a snack in my purse. If I do leave without these things, I'm often cranky a few hours later!

p.s. 

...I'd love to learn how to blog less about myself and more about God's glory.