I (can't) do all the things

On the elevator at work Sunday morning, a medical resident I've never met before was puffing himself up by complaining about how long his night had been. He mentioned that, unlike nurses, residents don't get compensated for working the extra hour when time falls back every fall.

I humored him to his face, but really I was thinking, "Dude, that's why I went to nursing school and not medical school. You chose to do this. Didn't you know what you were getting into?"

Boom. Sanctification station. How many of you all have thought this about me every time I complain about busy-ness this fall? As Nichole Nordeman says, "I wonder now if the choice was mine. The door was open and I walked inside. Nobody had my arm twisted. I lost myself in small pieces; it happened over time."

My friend Jessi is fond of the statement "all the things." As in, "I thought I had to do all the things." She used this phrase a lot in a talk she gave last month about how to fail well. And I really needed to hear it.

I have too many things on my plate. While I appreciate those who have told me to back off, I know it's not that season. I had that season this summer. This is the season for digging in and following through on commitments and learning things the hard way.

I just wrote and then deleted a detailed paragraph about all my time commitments this month. Suffice to say, the details don't matter. The point is, it's too much. In order to sleep and take care of my physical self, I've cut out things that actually mean something to me: getting to know women at church, initiating outings with potential new friends, reading books that don't have to do with nursing research. Because I can't do all the things. I don't know how to be a good wife, I don't know how to make good friends, but I do know that I'm not doing it right.

My tears have already given me a glimpse at this crumbling facade. I like to think I can do all the things. I complain about how much I have to do, so that when I do it you know just how hard that was. I am starting a new job soon so that I can learn to do one thing well, but until mid-December I'm going to be doing a lot of things very poorly. And I pray that God will give me the grace not to burn any bridges along the way. Because I can't do anything right outside of Him.



Stand by Britt Nicole

I wake up to another day
I don't know if I can face
All the fears that are staring me down
Yeah, I'm trying to be brave
But I'm a thread, about to fray
I wanna stand but I don't know how

I look up and all I see is
Your love holding me
When I feel like giving up
When my heart is hurt too much
Feels like I've reached the end
No, I won't turn and run
This battle will be won
When I've done all I can
I stand stand stand

Some days I lose my place
It's a fight to keep my faith
But You are with me, I am not alone, no
But all around my world gives way
Tossed like an ocean wave
You are my rock and the storm clouds blow

On Your promise, I will stand
All other ground is sinking sand
On Your promise, I will stand
All other ground is sinking sand

Currently: November

Location: The big brown couch in our apartment.

Watching: Big Bang Theory.  I love nerds.

Eating: Dates with sunflower seed butter. Our debit card got stolen recently and we've been waiting for our negative bank account to normalize. Meanwhile, the grocery situation is getting a little ridiculous.

Drinking: Actually limiting my water intake since it's bedtime...

Wanting: Simultaneously desperately wanting December 14 to be here, but hoping it won't come too quickly because I have a bajilion things to do between now and then. Why December 14? Because on that day, I will go from The Great Juggling Act of November 2012 involving 4 part-time jobs + school to ONE job and Christmas break!!!!!!!!

Needing: A good night's sleep. Always.

Loving: The short run I went on in the sunshine this afternoon. My nervous energy needs a physical outlet. When I forget that, the anxiety just builds and builds and I lay in bed at night exhausted but with my mind racing. No bueno.

Creating: A mess. 'Tis the season for stacks of papers.

Thinking: That we often misread Philippians 4:13: "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." The questions is, What does GOD want to strengthen me for? Not, To what selfish end can I rely upon God's strength today? 

Feeling: Relieved that a big decision is behind me: starting mid-December I will be a full time RN in the Center for Advanced Fetal Health and High Risk Pregnancy. This comes with the dreaded 8a-5p schedule I've avoided for 5 years now. But no weekends or holidays! And it's going to be a great opportunity for patient education (to see if I can do something with this Master's degree I'm struggling with.)

Wondering: If I'm up for the huge learning curve my new job will entail. And wondering if I could possibly love any other job as much as I love those precious NICU babes.

I passed!

I can't quite express the relief and joy I felt when, after 2 hours and 175 questions, the secretary at the testing center handed me a slip of paper saying I PASSED the RNC exam! People keep saying, "Congrats, I knew you would!" But there was a minute there, after I'd closed the test and before my paper printed out, when I felt like crying and throwing up and I was just terrified I'd have to tell everyone I didn't pass. Thankfully, that only lasted a moment due to instant grading!

How freaked out do I look in the pre-test picture?!

I am now an RNC-NIC.

Besides the obvious...

 ... here's what else I learned:

-The Cincinnati Children's Heart Hospital's website is a great way to learn the basics of congenital heart disease before learning the details from a textbook.

-Do not take an RNC review by Terese Verklan. It was a huge waste of money and I only passed my exam through my own hard work, reading 75% of the Core Curriculum textbook, and reviewing with a co-worker's notebook from Linda Juretsche's review class.

-Punnett Squares are not nearly as scary as I thought they were.

-I/T ratios and Aboslute Neutrophil Counts are actually really simple equations.

-As always, I love medical terminology. I've added plenty more fun words to my vocabulary! (Just be warned that even if it's a funny word, the definition may not be. Google search at your own risk):

anastomosis
orchipexy
insufflation
epistaxis
syncope
glosspotosis

-I am slowly re-gaining confidence in myself and this is a huge step toward realizing that I can do anything I set my mind to.

Flashcard review the night before the test

 -Finally, I am more convinced than ever that a healthy baby is truly a miracle!

Negative Thought of the Day (turned positive?)

So... the Assessment Center called and said they were already closing for the day due to snow, and would be closed tomorrow as well. So I need to reschedule my test. My first response? "Eff you, snow." (Except, not in PG language).

So I called the hospital and changed my schedule, hoping to force my way to work in the snow tomorrow and take the test Friday instead. Then I called the Assessment Center, and they can't schedule me for this Friday. But they can do Saturday, or else next Friday. Ummm no way in HECK am I waiting another week. I took Saturday morning. And then I e-mailed Brooke from BadSeed and I'm hoping to reschedule my Saturday interview and not be frowned upon. (Wait, what?! I'll explain that one later).

SO. Now I am taking my RNC test SATURDAY instead of tomorrow and I can prolong my terrible self-care and housekeeping habits for another two days. Oh boy. Earlier today, I had picked up sushi and a chick flick to occupy my evening, because studying into the night won't do me any good at this point. When they called and cancelled tomorrow's test, I ate my sushi out of protest. And bought several $1.27 songs on iTunes. Once the sushi digests, I'm going to go running and pound out my frustrations to the soundtrack of Glee and hope to God that cheers me up.

I wanted to come to my blog and rant and rave and ask what else life could possibly throw at me (which is always a dangerous question). It's been a long month. And I'm driving myself crazy and literally making myself sick with a cycle of optimism and pessimism about passing this stupid test.  But when I logged into blogger.com, I had a comment from my earlier post waiting for me:

Therese, I enjoy your blog and appreciate your dedication to your career. Having had both my children go to the NICU upon birth, I know how much your presence and reassurance means to scared parents and sick babies. Thanks for what you do. 

Cue extreme humility. Thank you, Mel, for reminding me why I'm doing this. Even if I somehow don't pass my test Saturday, the big picture is that I have learned A LOT while studying for this test. Some of the things I've learned are already affecting my patient care (and helping me impress/scare med students when I can answer a question that they can't). I needed a reminder.

And, if there's a positive side to prolonging my stress, it's that I can also prolong my studying. I was cramming in a few more subjects this morning with plans to go through my flashcards this afternoon/evening. Now I can take my time today going through the last few sections (dermatology, neurology, genitourinary) today and save the flashcards for a cozy chair at Starbucks on Friday.

For now, I'm going to go clean the kitchen. And go running. And, heck, I might as well watch that chick flick!

What it Means to be a Nurse

One of my favorite nursing school instructors gave this poem to us when we were close to graduating. I found it while packing/sorting through a box of school stuff to move. Now that I've been a nurse for almost 3 years, I see truth in every line.

You will never be bored.
You will always be frustrated.
So much to do and so little time.
You will carry immense responsibility
and very little authority.
You will step into people’s lives
and you will make a difference.
Some will bless you.
Some will curse you.
You will see people at their worst-
and at their best.
You will never cease to be amazed
at people’s capacity for
love, courage, and endurance.
You will see life begin- and end.
You will experience resounding triumphs
and devastating failures.
You will cry a lot.
You will laugh a lot.
You will know what it is to be human
and to be humane.

-Melodie Chenevert

The Lucky Ones

*Change it or let it go. Complaining is a waste of energy.*

I heard someone say this recently and I've been thinking about it a lot. I had a little pity party the other day, but I did indeed snap out of it. I know my mood was more related to all the cloudy days and humid weather we've been having rather than the fact that I actually have a life worth complaining about.

It usually takes a good but busy day at work to give me perspective. I may whine a little (okay, a lot. It's a problem.) about working 14 hour days from time to time, but at least I get to leave. I get to go home to a quiet house and forget about the hospital for a while. I cannot fathom sitting by my own child's bed, relinquishing every bit of parental instinct and control, for over 100 days. When I see a mom who is able to invest that much time, that much love, into her perfectly imperfect child, it breaks my heart. Every time mom tears up, I find myself doing the same.

Some days the NICU overwhelms me (as does projectile vomit) and I wish I could tell mothers everywhere: you think you have it bad? Pick a random baby in the NICU and I guarantee they have it so much worse. (But please feel free to remind me I said this in a few years when I'm awake at 3am with a fussy baby of my own).
 
There is no greater love than to give your life to another. I was so honored to see this love in action today. Please, if you have a little one at home, no matter how long your day (or night) may be, thank God that you're at home and not in a cold, loud hospital trying to sleep on a pull-out bed. (And if you are, my prayers are with you).

I will admit I am often jaded: how is it "fair" that one irresponsible mom can have a perfectly healthy pregnancy and delivery, while a perfectly healthy mom can go to a happy prenatal ultrasound one day and receive news that will forever turn her world upside-down? (Disclaimer: I also absolutely witness bad choices during pregnancy harming the baby and healthy choices during pregnancy leading to amazing outcomes. But other times there's no rhyme or reason, and it scares the crap out of me!)

However, I left work today grateful for 3 things:
1) That I am able to leave work, the hospital, and the drama behind me for a few hours.
2) The ability to witness the strength of the human spirit and our ability to place our cares on a greater God when we literally cannot carry them another day.
3) A deep and profound appreciation for my own health and my own life. 

I hope you find something to be thankful for tonight as well! 

The Best National Neonatal Nurses Day

I took care of Johanna's little marshmallow at work today. I knew it was going to be a busy day, but when that sweet baby opened her big eyes to look at me after I changed her diaper and started her feeding, I knew I couldn't walk away.  I got some warm blankets and sat down in her dark room to hold miss marshmallow for 20 minutes. She was so happy!  She was looking around, looking at me, sucking her thumb, and trying to show me what a big girl she was.

After a few minutes, she got sleepy and snuggled in. I took a deep breath to wake myself up and enjoy this moment of peace, and then I felt the baby's tummy pooch out as SHE took a deep breath. A few minutes later, I sighed again, and the baby took another big breath and let it all out.  IT WAS SO SWEET!  Best part of my day week, hands down. I did this several more times while holding her, and she responded with her own deep breath every time. I think both of us got a lot off our shoulders :o)

I know I complain about work a lot, but I do love the part of my job that allows me to interact with tiny patients every day. They are so sweet and so strong and I have so much love to give them! I hope they know over the beeping monitors, hissing breathing machines, constant hum of voices, and occasional bright lights, that someone out there loves them. It's an honor to help them grow and to spend precious moments like this with them.

Sometimes "my" babies are so beautiful it makes me want to cry.

Inspiration Board

Growing up, August always meant back-to-school shopping and browsing through catalogs at all the knit sweaters, plaid skirts, and warm tights. Every school year was a clean slate. Well, we're already into September (how did that happen?!) but I still think fall is a chance to start fresh.

Even though I'm no longer in school, I really needed to do something about my mindset. You see, I love fall. But fall means winter is coming. I do love parts of winter: the silence of the first snow, cozy sweaters, lots of hot chocolate and hot tea, sitting in front of the fireplace at my parent's house... but it all gets old after a month or so. I'm dreading going out to my car in the sub-freezing temperatures to go to work. I'm dreading hiking to my car in the dark after a long day and having to scrape the windshields. My little car doesn't handle icy roads well, and neither do I. Come January, I'm ready for SUNSHINE and WARMTH.

Inspired by another blogger, I decided to make an inspiration board of things to work towards in the next 6 months. You see, it's only September. I'm getting too far ahead of myself. And I have a lot to look forward to this winter. Like Gina said, "Fall is the perfect time of year to re-evaluate your goals and see where your priorities lie before the year ends."



Here's a look back at my 2010 Resolutions:

1) Pray daily with Ross again 
FAIL. But there's no time like the present to renew a resolution.

2) Find a church 
I think we've decided on Redeemer Fellowship. Now we just need to become regular attendees. It's taken me a long time to realize we will not find a carbon copy of our Ft. Worth church in the middle of Kansas, as ideal as that would have been.

3) Stick to a budget and use cash for most day-to-day purchases 
Most months, this is a success. Traveling a lot (and using 2 days of PTO) messed this up a bit in July and August, but for the most part we're doing well and even putting money into savings every month.

4) Make friends in my new city
This is taking so much longer than I'd hoped, but I'm finally starting to get out more.

5) Do yoga once (or more) a week while training for the Cowtown Marathon in February 2011
Yoga is not financially viable year-round right now, but I have been consistently training for a 10k this month, a 1/2 marathon in November, and the marathon in February. Come November, I'm excited to work Bikram Yoga into my training schedule again.

6) Eat at least one serving of fruits or vegetables at every meal
This has definitely improved in the past year, thanks in part to healthy living blogs I've started reading. It's good to see other active young women with a balanced mindset toward food. Also, the CSA has been a great source of local vegetables and new flavors. This summer I started to aim for 5+ servings of produce a day, but even on my lazy/low-grocery days, 3 servings is pretty standard.

7) Laugh more
I'm starting to smile more (some days it's fake it 'til you make it) and I'd like to think I'm more pleasant on a day-to-day basis, although I've noticed that my mood can be directly related to how tired I am.

8) Read more
I'm ashamed to admit that I read the Twilight series in 5 days this spring and I read all 16 books of the Stephanie Plum Series this summer. It takes me no time flat to read guilty-pleasure books. Now I've moved on to The Autobiography of Saint Therese of Lisieux: The Story of a Soul (the saint I was named after) and The Happiness Project (which was actually written by a Kansas City native).

9) Cook more
Given the fact that I've posted enough recipes here to justify a recipe page, I think it's safe to say I'm cooking more! 

10) Play more
Still a work in progress. I need to spend less time on the computer and more time enjoying the sunshine while it's still here.

Here's what I want to/plan to do in the next six months (that's from the beginning of September through the end of February):

1) Run a 10k, half marathon, and marathon (in case I haven't said that enough)!

2) Buy a 3 month Bikram pass this November and go at least once a week.

3) Cross-train/lift weights twice a week.

4) Continue to eat as locally as I can, even as the CSA dwindles and I rely more on frozen organic veggies and less on fresh produce. (This includes the more specific goal of taking Ross to Nebraska City this fall to pick apples, stock up on apple butter and homemade jam, and enjoying the local, seasonal bounty and the essence of being outdoors in the fall.)

5) Spend more time thanking God for the life he has given me, and loving God as much as my little heart is capable of.

6) Spend less time on the computer, get outside more, and sleep better.

7) Start saving more money for a new car (hopefully it lasts more than 6 more months, but it's time to start saving more in anticipation).

8) Attain my RNC certification. I'm taking a 3-day study course in October and plan to take the computerized test before December 15 (the day I graduated from nursing school in 2007).

I have a few other exciting goals for the next 2 years, but those are for another inspiration board another day!

If you read this far, thank you. I'd love to hear YOUR goals for the next 6 months as well! To quote Gina again, "Things don’t happen by accident- they’re always the result of hard work and the most meaningful goals are the ones that are not-so-easy to attain."

Attitude Adjustment

I have an old co-worker who said commented on facebook about how she hates working all weekend and one of her friends responded, "poor you. You work 3 days a week." I had to exit out of facebook before responding to this perfect stranger with some snooty comment. 

Most nurses I know work at least 40 hours a week, often more. We work nights, weekends, and holidays. Even if we are working "just" 3 days a week, we're on our feet for a lot of it, dealing with difficult people, crying babies, snapping co-workers, and the like. I leave the house before 6:30am and don't get home until 8:00 or 8:30pm most days. And unless you're travel nurse or working overtime, you don't always feel that you're monetarily compensated for this work. I have plenty of friends who make more money than me at their office jobs.

I know, I know, stop whining. I have to tell myself that a lot. I also have plenty of friends with a college education who can't find a job. I should be thankful mine is relatively secure. But I'm in a funk at work now that my primary has gone home. I don't even have a short snuggle with her to look forward to on the days that my alarm goes off at 5:30am! The good thing about a primary patient going home is that you can go back to more critical babies and do a few admissions to brush up on your skills. However, we have SO. MANY. orientees right now, that hasn't been happening for me either. And when I'm only taking care of level 2 babies, it's hard to motivate myself to study for the RNC exam. Eek!

I need an attitude adjustment. It's going to be a miserable fall if I continue to dread going to work like I do right now.

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than educatoin, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company, a church, a home...

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it."

-Chuck Swindoll

Work in Progress

Work often overwhelms me these days. I used to be able to work 4 days in a row (sometimes even 5 and, about once every 6 months, 6 days in a row). At the ripe old age of 25, sometimes I wonder if I'm already burnt out. Even worse, sometimes after working 3 days in a row, I'm afraid that as tired and as frazzled as I may be, I don't even know the meaning of "burnt out" yet.

I remember in grade school we had a ceremony for a 2nd grade teacher who had been working at the school for 25 years. I remember thinking, "that's way longer than I've even been alive!" That still blows my mind. So much happens in the first 25 years of your life... what happens the next 25 years? Am I destined to be doing the same thing day in and day out 25 years down the road? Dear God, I hope not. 25 years in the same place STILL blows my mind. 25 years ago, I was just a baby!

I've been out of school for over 2.5 years. Work is no longer a fun novelty, it's work.

Sometimes I think it'd be nice to do something that doesn't involve interacting with others. (I know, I'm antisocial enough as it is). But then I see aunts and grandmas stepping in to help an overwhelmed dad and a baby who has lost her mom.

I see strong, patient mothers who are dealing with the tragedy of not having a normal pregnancy, delivery, or newborn baby, yet they sit with their child every day and know more about the baby than the doctors or nurses ever will.

I get parents thanking me so much for taking care of their baby and requesting that I take care of their child every day I'm here.

And I'm thankful I have a job that allows me to witness the best (and worst) sides of the human condition. I get invited to baby showers when a long-term kiddo is getting close to going home. I frequently lend an ear to overwhelmed parents (and realize my life isn't so bad after all).

It doesn't happen every day, but sometimes when I'm not running around like crazy, catching up on charting, or trying to problem-solve a patient's latest problem, I get to sit down and snuggle with a baby. I get to feed someone their very first bottle. I get to carry them outside their rooms when they become "portable" and can remain stable without oxygen. I hear babies cry for the first time, I see them smile accidentally, and I get to watch them find their hands and reach for my face when I talk to them.

I do love the perks of my job, and usually when I'm bragging about a baby's latest accomplishment or cute moment, Ross tells me that this is the perfect job for me. As for now, I'm exhausted and looking forward to another few days off.  Texas, here I come!

Lessons

I do not learn from my mistakes. I complain about working too much overtime, yet I picked up a shift today. I hate it when I let people walk all over me, yet when a co-worker approached me yesterday and asked if I'd switch a day next week, I said yes! It wasn't even for a life or death matter on her part... it was a social event. It puts me at 4 shifts in a row, and I still said yes!

This morning when I was between sleep and awake (you know, when your dreams and thoughts get jumbled together) I started thinking beating myself up about the fact that I never follow through. I never take chances. I so rarely push myself to my potential.

My sister-in-law just finished grad school and Ross is in the process of doing so. My dad is an M.D. My mom has a Masters degree in special education.  My 23 year old brother just finished his first year of med school. My 21 year old brother want to go to law school. And my 18 year old brother will succeed in whatever he chooses once he decides what he wants to do!

I'm a Registered Nurse, for crying out loud! I have a BSN and one of the best jobs in this market, yet I feel inadequate. I loved my exercise physiology class in college, but I dropped it several weeks into the semester. I didn't finish my Spanish minor, even though I was just 6 hours short. I didn't study abroad, partly because I wanted to spend summer vacation with my long-distance boyfriend at the time! And even without all those luxuries (working on a Minor degree, studying overseas) I still graduated late! It's pretty pitiful.

In addition to all the personal bridges I burned in college, I also managed to bungle up one of the best oppurtunites I had to make something of myself. I barely tried.

I realize that this is a "poor me" post, and a little voice in the back of my head is telling me I should really be grateful that I have a college degree because that alone places me in an elite category as a citizen of this world. I understand that.  And I am so grateful for my parents and the way they raised me and the opportunities I DID have growing up. Because I had a lot of them. I don't mean to minimize that. It's just that when left to my OWN devices, I am an underachiever. And it bugs me.

As much as I love to dwell on the past and kick myself over and over again, the only thing I can change is the future. And, of course, give my two cents to every college student I know: go to the campus gym more often. You'll be a better student and feel better about yourself if you're active and healthy. Plus, you won't realize how nice it was to have access to a great gym for free, until it's gone. Study abroad. Even if it means leaving your college boyfriend for the summer. Even if it means taking out a loan. Even if it means graduating late. You may never have another chance to LIVE in another foreign city and (from what I hear) it's so different from being a tourist. Take classes outside your major. While I dropped my exercise physiology class and some other random classes here and there, I did take an honors class almost every semester and I LOVED them. It gave me a chance to get away from the school of nursing, read philosophy, and write papers instead of care plans.

But there I go looking backward again... if I knew then what I know now.

Looking forward, I still have my RNC to achieve by my 3-year nursing anniversary in January. And the Cowtown Marathon in February. Both of which scare the pants off me. But I need to push throught the fear for once in my life. The thing is, both of these goals require waking up and doing something to make something of myself. It won't just happen because I want so badly to achieve both of these goals. And the DOING something is the hardest part for me.

Beyond February, I would like to coach Girls on the Run and go abroad on some sort of medical mission trip for 2-4 weeks. But first I have to get out of bed every morning with an good attitude and a plan of attack.

I heard this song on my (terrible, slow, exhausting) run this morning and had to share. I first fell in love with this song right before I fell in love with Ross 3 years ago, but a lot of it can apply to life in general, not just love.

...I've been leavin' it up to fate, but it's my life so it's mine to make

I ain't settlin' for just gettin' by
I've had enough so-so for the rest of my life
Tired of shootin' too low, so raise the bar high
I ain't settlin' for anything less than everything.

With some good red wine and my brand new shoes
Gonna' dance a blue streak around my living room
Take a chance on love and try how it feels
With my heart wide open now you know I will
Find what it means to be the girl
Who changed her mind and changed her world

-from Settlin' by Sugarland

Humility

Here's the thing about nursing: it humbles you. We are extremely short-staffed this week (I feel like everyone's on vacation except me). People-pleaser that I am, I said I'd stay 4 hours late tonight and also work extra from 11am-7:30pm tomorrow.

I started regretting this choice around 2pm today. Now I've just spent 16 hours mostly on my feet, running from bed to bed. My feet are throbbing, my shoulders are cramping, my head is pounding and I want to pull my hair out. I had that baby again today. However, I'm getting to know her better and it's ever so slightly easier to calm her down. But at shift change, they split up my 2 baby assignment and gave me a baby who is even more difficult! It's like God said, "you're whining about that baby? Suck if up and try dealing with this baby!"

*
But that's not even the most humbling part. Here I am complaining about a headache and working overtime that I voluntarily (but probably not sanely) signed up for and, by the way, am getting paid extra for. And I hear a terrible, sad story about a baby's family that practically brings me to my knees. I remember interacting with this family recently as mom held the baby for the first time and I can't believe so much has changed in so little time. It only took a moment for their world to shatter and nothing will ever be the same.

It's a blessing in disguise that I see human fragility so frequently, and it saddens me that I've already grown calloused toward it. Part of it is a self-protection mechanism: too much sadness would break a person. But part of it is arrogance. I'm ashamed to admit that I still hear stories from time to time and think, "that would never happen to me." But when I meet the people behind the stories, it always hits a little closer to home when I realize they're just like me!

I really need to start working less overtime and LIVE my life! We've lived in KC 8 months as of today, and I still don't have friends. I still don't get out much. I still haven't found a church. At first I blamed it on night shift. I've been on day shift a little over a month now, and while I may not be completely back to my old self, I feel a little better. If I stopped picking up overtime, I could spend more time with the few people I do know here.

*
I inhaled a Panera pastry and sat in the break room in shock on my dinner break, my heart breaking over this poor family. Now I have heartburn and I know that even though I'm worn out, I won't sleep tonight. I'll be having fitful dreams about those who are so much more worn out and those who have much bigger battles to fight.

Some people would give anything to have the life I have. I need to stop hiding in the corner and live what I've been given, before it's gone!

Overworked

I just finished working 79 hours in 7 days and I am not a happy camper. I hate working that much. (I do realize that some people work 80 hours a week and I'm so thankful I don't have to do that). My entire body hurt-- especially my feet and legs. And I was so stressed this last week that I wasn't sleeping well at all. Isn't that ironic? Then this quote popped into my head"
*Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.*
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Crazy Days

I suddenly have less time to blog now that I'm on day shift. Working 6:45am-7:30pm leaves you worn out in a whole different way. Don't get me wrong, I'm SO glad to be on day shift! (Even though I will always have a soft spot for my night shift co-workers and they will always have my undying respect.) But day shift is so much busier. "More bang for less buck," as my friend Kate says.
My feet hurt and my legs are so stiff. I worked Friday and Saturday and Saturday was especially JPS-worthy crazy. When I got up this morning, my feet started to hurt while I was standing in the kitchen making breakfast! And I get to do it all again tomorrow. However, I am very glad that I started my nursing career in such a busy unit. I still miss it with all my heart.
I'm so UNSURE of everything here. It REALLY doesn't help that my current NICU has been divided since I got here. There's one unit on the first floor and the main unit is on the 5th floor. We get shuffled between them just enough that I've been here 7 months and I still can't find supplies when I really need them!
I miss going to deliveries. I miss having designated "admit" nurses and I hate the chaos when we might be getting a baby and no one seems to know who is even going to take the admission at first. I remember feeling so lucky that in my entire first year and a half of nursing, there was never a day I DREADED going to work. I LOVED my job. I am still undecided here. Don't get me wrong, I love my patients (most of them, anyway) but there are definitely days that the thought of going in to work really weighs me down.
Ross hates it when I complain about missing Ft. Worth, but I need to get this out. I miss JPS. Yes, the county hospital with mostly Spanish-speaking clientele and homeless people watching TV in the ER waiting room when the weather was bad. I miss my little Hispanic babies who were always born with a full head of hair. I miss having a Neonatologist at the hospital 24/7.

That's Dr. Prieto on the right... my hero! I would move back to Fort Worth JUST to follow her around and learn from her. She always talked to the nurses, got their opinions, and actually dialogued with us regarding the patient's status. The best day of my nursing career was when we were talking about a baby's blood gas and I said something she hadn't thought of and she complimented me!

I definitely miss doctors who took the time to teach the nurses in the unit! (Here they're too busy teaching the residents, most of whom will never step foot in a NICU again after their rotation.) I miss being at the bedside when the doctors spoke to the infant's parents in rapid-fire native tongue. It's been 7 months and my Spanish is all but gone. I hate that.

I really hope that studying for my RNC brings back some confidence, because right now I'm no longer one of the lucky few who can say that I do what makes me happy and I get paid for it!
*A good leader inspires people to have confidence in the leader, a great leader inspires people to have confidence in themselves* -Groucho Marx

Check out this preemie's crib

All my nerdy NICU friends have been sending this video around... I'm a little behind the times. I don't know who recorded it, but it's pretty funny!

FYI: PDA means "patent ductus arteriosus" and it means that a fetal heart structure remained open after delivery instead of closing. It's pretty common among preemies and causes a heart murmur which, at times, can be turbulent enough to sound like a washing machine when you listen with a stethoscope... hence the joke.

Good morning, day shift!

Ah, day shift. It almost feels like my first day at KU all over again! When I started working back in October, they were so desperate for experienced nurses on night shift that I didn't work a single day shift with a preceptor- I went straight to nights. Now I'm going to be working with people who only know me from change of shift report.
*You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go.*
~Dr. Seuss
New haircut? Check.
New work shoes that look more professional than tennis shoes and make me 3 inches taller? Check.

New scrubs? Check.

Caffeine? Check!
Truth is, I was scared out of my mind for my first day shift today. Day shift tends to be much faster-paced and you have to be on your toes to talk to the doctors when they make rounds and write orders for the day. I feel like I've lost a lot of skills since leaving JPS and I'm terrified someone will find out I'm just an expensive babysitter! Well, the babysitter part is an exaggeration. I still consider myself a good nurse. But I miss going to deliveries, admitting babies, and juggling terrible assignments. I can't believe I said that, but it's true! You feel so much more accomplished when you get through a crazy day. I'm sure I'll have my share of those, but I really miss my delivery and admitting skills.
I must keep reminding myself of the positives:
1. I went to the February staff meeting and asked our manager if we had a Developmental Care Committee. She said no, but she'd like one. And then she put me in charge of it!
2. I was in a family meeting with a mom whose baby is one of our micro-preemies, and the doctor (our head neonataologist) told her, "Therese is actually the head of developmental care here. You should be very glad she's taking care of your baby." (Prior to that statement, I wasn't sure he even knew who I was since that was my second-ever day shift).
3. Sometimes the Pediatric ICU (PICU) nurses call us when they've attempted an IV on a kid a few times without success. I was the only NICU nurse available to go downstairs and help them the other day... and I got the IV on my first stick! It's always a bigger deal when you have 3 other nurses hovering around you and the hard-stick patient.
4. My sweet lil' primary patient went home on my birthday and her mom still sends me updates!

Career goals to keep the "I'm losing all my skills" worries away:
1. Get the Developmental Care Committee up and running. We've already had 2 meetings and things are really going well.
2. Take the NICU Certification test by December 15 (my 3 year nursing anniversary). This actually scares me out of my mind, but it's something that will really help me feel like I'm not missing out on learning experiences.

*A great deal of talent is lost to the world for want of a little courage. Every day sends to their graves obscure men whose timidity prevented them from making a first effort.* -Sydney Smith
*Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside of them was superior to circumstance.* -Bruce Barton

Isn't it ironic... don't you think?

I'm a good whiner. Probably because I get so much practice ;-) One of my specialties is whining about things I have no control over, because then no one can blame me for whining about something instead of changing it! Case in point: night shift.
I have the UTMOST respect for night-shifters. They are always *cool* and I REALLY WISH I could be one of them. However, it's hard to be cool when you'd rather be asleep. I've always been more of an early riser than a night owl. I am trying to be more optimistic, and I had actually been thinking about writing a post listing all the POSITIVE things about night shift to cheer myself up.
Instead, today I found out a day shift position has opened for May 2. That's soon! Suddenly, I'm thrown into turmoil. ALL I WANTED was to move to day shift. I blame most of my problems on night shift and I tell myself the when I can just be on day shift, things will change. I had basically resigned myself to a year's worth of night shift and all that it entails. Yet now I can't decide if I want to put my name in for consideration?!
So. The "positives" list is now a "pro and con" list.
PROS of staying on night shift:
1) Obviously, MONEY! The night shift differential makes a big difference on my paycheck and between taking a paycut to move up here and watching income taxes drain away a good percent of my paycheck, that differential seems to be the only thing keeping us afloat.
2) Slower pace (this is also a con... see below). When it's
3) People TEND to be more easygoing. Don't misinterpret this. I have some great dayshift friends from JPS (my old hospital) and I hope to make some here, too. However, people one night shift tend to be more laid-back.
4) The slower pace allows me some free time to play with babies! The best part about my job! My primary patient is going home soon and taking care of her has kept me coming to work these last few months. When I don't want to work, I just think, "I get to see sweet pea!" and I can drag myself out the door. I miss her when I'm gone. Now that she's so close to leaving, I've definitely started to dread coming to work and not taking care of her.
The best part about my job!
5) Now that it's warming up, I was semi-looking forward to the workout schedule I got used to last time I was on night shift. I'd wake up around 4pm, go on a good bike ride or run on the Trinity Trail, shower, eat, and get to work. The last bit of sunshine really energized me and helped me stay awake at work. However, we don't have a great trail in our backyard anymore so it would've been a little more complicated. (We didn't realize how lucky we were- I wish I'd used the trail more. I MISS IT SO MUCH! Now any way you go from our apartment, it's busy roads, interrupted sidewalks, and hills.)
CONS of night shift:
1) Sometimes the night passes SO SLOWLY that I'm tempted to find an empty patient room, curl up in a pediatric crib, and crash! You'd think that all that free time would be a great time to study, read a good book, etc. Except it's IMPOSSIBLE for me to focus at 2am. Trust me, I've tried. I end up reading the same page over and over again and not absorbing anything. I was never able to pull studying all-nighters in school, why would I suddenly be able to do so now!?
2) I never see Ross. He works in the morning, so he's not there when I get home and eat breakfast after work, and he is either headed to class when I wake up, or else we see each other for about an hour before I have to leave.
3) My body is all out of whack. Some people can sleep anytime, anywhere. I used to think I was one of those people. While I definitely do sleep when I get off in the mornings, it's not quality sleep and I don't feel rested when I wake up. On my nights off I can't sleep, period. I'm usually up wasting time in front of the computer or TV until 4am or later. I also feel hungry all the time because I'm so tired and suddenly I'm eating 24 hours a day!
PROS of switching to day shift:
1) A healthy sleep schedule = normal circadian rhythm = a happy Therese
2) I'd actually get to see my husband!
3) When we visit family, I will get to spend more time with them instead of sleeping the day away and then prowling around the kitchen at 2am when my body now gets hungry for "lunch" and everyone else is asleep.
4) I can work 4 days a week without messing up my sleep schedule on days off even further. And I can split them up (on 2, off 1, on 2) without losing an entire week of my life.
5) I'll always know what day it is! On night shift, I'll go into work on, say, a Monday and work 2 nights in a row. One night off means sleeping most of that day and night, being awake the following day and then taking a nap before going to work again. I'll get off work the next morning, take a nap, and then before I know it, it's 5 days later!
6) SUNLIGHT!

CONS of day shift:
1) MONEY
2) The transition. I worked nights for 9 months at JPS, and after I switched it took another 9 months to learn to sleep throught the night again and be rested for day shift! That left me with 3 months of "normalcy" before moving to Kansas and going back to night shift. Three months in which I saw the light of day, went to the farmer's market on my days off, and actually hung out with friends (I miss afternoon walks with Brittnye and Avery!) I know I said I'm an early riser, but when I've been sleeping from 8am-4pm on days I work and about 4am-1pm on days I'm off, it takes time to adjust to going to bed early and sleeping through the night again. I've only been on night shift 5 months here, but that's plently long enough to be out-of-whack once again.
3) SORE FEET. Right now, I can wake up and work out before work without making myself more tired. But on day shift, it's hard (read: impossible) to wake up at 5am, work out, and then work a 12 hour shift and remain on your feet the whole time. My feet were always so tired after leaving work on day shift that the LAST thing I wanted to do was go home and pound the pavement for a good workout.

I remember when I was nearing the end of my night shift stint in Texas, I had been sitting and rocking a baby for 30 minutes and that Trace Adkins song popped into my head, "You're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back, you're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast..." But I wasn't too worried because I knew we'd be moving eventually and I'd inevitably be put on night shift at least once more in my life. But now that it's possibly over for good, I'm panicking! I hate when things end.
"And isn't it ironic... don't you think
It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures"

(Comments/advice/prayers greatly appreciated!)

One Moment in Time

Despite what I said earlier this week about looking forward to my runs, I really didn't want to work out this afternoon! Tonight is my 4th 12-13 hour night shift in a row and the previous 3 have been busy nights with critical admissions, double admissions, and picking up extra patients when a co-worker's assignment went downhill.
I put my workout off as long as possible, but finally had to follow my own advice and Just Do It. Instead of driving to the gym, Ross convinced me to run outside with him. It's 41 degrees and sunny! However, we got to the path by our apartment and it was still covered in snow/slush and it's just hilly enough that I'd be sure to fall quickly. So I went to the apartment gym which I try to avoid-- the treadmill there is so old and noisy! I do like the fact that the machine faces a mirror though. It allows me to make sure I'm running in a straight line, which is harder than it sounds! My feet tend to splay out(leftover from my ballet days I'm sure) and it hurts my knees after a while if my ankles, knees, and hips are not in one line.
I got a blast from the past on my iPod song shuffle while I was running: "One Moment in Time" by Whitney Houston from the 1988 Summer Olympics in Seoul! The opening lines say, "Each day I live/ I want to be/ A day to give/ The best of me/ I'm only one/ But not alone/ My finest day/ Is yet unknown." The Truffle Shuffle 5k is next weekend and Emily reminded me that the 2010 Cowtown Marathon is tomorrow... can't wait until they announce the 2011 date and we can start counting down!
When I finished my run, I had the innagural brewing on my new coffee maker to look forward to.

Coffee connoisseurs may scoff, but I'm so excited I found a small, inexpensive coffee maker. I don't need a 10-cup brewer since I'm the only one who'll be using it and I drink one cup three days a week.
In other news, my primary patient at work is doing so well! Her cheeks are getting rosy and she opens her eyes and looks around a lot more. I'm the one who "caught" her in the delivery room and I've been a little attached to her ever since :-)

Cowtown Marathon

Marathon
Back in November, I mentioned that I was going to start training for the February 2011 Cowtown Marathon with my friend Emily Gilmore. We started running then but got sidetracked by holiday travels and winter weather. We started again in January (hence my New Year's resolutions) and I'm still running!
However, I have attempted to train for a marathon before and seen it fizzle out for 1,000 reasons. I was talking to my Dad about India when I realized I wasn't going to be able to go on that mission trip, and he brought up the marathon. My parents know me better than I know myself sometimes! I'm the type of person who will say "yes" to everything, but I rarely follow through. He said not to set my hopes too high on the marathon, either. But if I really wanted to do it, I needed to set a goal and a date on which to re-committ and know that I'm able to put the work and time in to train.
Therefore, since I've been going to the gym and running and feeling an improvement (for the most part... although this Monday was rough), I feel that it's safe to tell you my short-term goals and my re-committment date. Ross and I are running the Truffle Shuffle 5k on March 6 (I have no idea why they chose that name, sorry!) and we have the March for Babies (sponsored by March of Dimes) on May 1. I'm hoping to run the entire 5k next month without taking a walking break.
I think the key will be to keep signing up for little events along the way, several 5ks and 10ks and maybe even a half-marathon (although if the timing doesn't work out with my training, I don't have my heart set on that). That way, it puts more pressure on me to keep running. The Cowtown Marathon is a year away, giving me a false sense of security. I'll think, "I have plenty of time to train for this! I don't need to work out today!" An immediate deadline is much more motivating. Bottom line, if I can run 5 miles without stopping by May 1, I'm going to officially re-committ to the marathon and it will be much more realistic and tangible then!
Kansas
In other news, I can't BELIEVE we've been in Kansas for 4 months as of today! It's growing on us, but I still don't let myself dwell on Texas too much-- it makes me heartsick. We're hopefully going to Amarillo in March for Ross' spring break ("spring break-- wohoo!") and in May we're GOING TO DENTON/FT. WORTH for Emily's grad school graduation!!!!
Work
I'm still on night shift with no end in sight, but having a primary patient makes me want to go to work a little more because I get to see how she's doing! Her parents are so wonderful and they've been able to take all her ups and downs in stride and be here for her every day. I wish all babies had parents like that.

Happy February

Fort Worth spoiled me. I start anticipating spring this month when in reality, it'll probably come to Kansas City in early April. At least the snow is gone for now... and yesterday was sunny even though today isn't!

We've had a busy weekend. On Saturday, Ross went over to my cousins' house to stay with John and Jimmy for a few days while my aunt and uncle went to Arizona. I went to work Saturday night and finally did my first admit in my new unit! Even more exciting, her parents are really nice. I finally feel official! I even went and bought "my" baby some preemie clothes at Wal-Mart, although she won't fit into them for a while.

After getting some sleep on Sunday, I joined the boys at the Dixon's house and we stayed until Tuesday afternoon. Thanks to their cousin Emily (on the other side of their family), I started reading the Twilight books while I was there. She had left the first one at their house during a summer visit and I was desperate for something to read. Then, of course, I had to read the other three. The books are so creepy, I can't put them down until I'm done. I'd have nightmares if I went to sleep without knowing how things end up.

I literally read one Twilight book a day on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. I'm so embarrassed! I mean, the story is intriguing but I still think Harry Potter books are infinitely better-written, more symbolic, and more complex (sorry Brittnye). But I can't deny that I want to see how Twilight ends up and, of course, I want to see why everyone's so obsessed with the movies. For those who know (or even care) about Twilight, I do have to say this: how can you fall in love with someone who is stone cold?! I'm always so cold... I'd choose Jacob over Edward any day. I'm also biased because I liked Robert Pattinson so much better as Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter than as Edward in Twilight.
Okay. Teen-geek-fest over. I think I need to end this post now before embarrassing myself further. On the bright side, I get to see "my" baby tonight!