19, 20, and 21 weeks

Weeks 6-16 felt like they'd last FOREVER, and now time is flying by. Partly because it's been a BUSY month of travel and houseguests (in a 1 month span, I went to KC solo with the kids twice and we also hosted friends + their kids for several days between those trips), partly because, well, I don't know. I have a really long list of stuff to get done before baby arrives, and I feel like I'm running out of time!

The good news is, I don't really have a lot of *anything* to report, good or bad. I mostly feel like myself again, but I'm feeling baby move multiple times a day now. We also reached the halfway point, which feels like a HUGE milestone. And most importantly, our level 2 scan with the perinatologist came back COMPLETELY clear. The subchorionic hemorrhage is nowhere to be seen, and baby looks perfect and adorable. 

Funny story, about halfway through the ultrasound the sonographer and I realized we'd both worked for the same perinatology team at KU Med! It's hard to believe I was there 9 YEARS ago. Whew! But she just left KC within the last year. It was a funny, full-circle moment. They are an incredibly thorough and meticulous team, so I trust we got the most thorough ultrasound possible.

Between the ultrasound and the 20 week mark, it all just feels really REAL and I'm starting to get so excited to meet this baby.

18 weeks: It's a boy!

I'm writing this on the day I "switch over" to 19 weeks. This week, I started to feel movement much more frequently, and we also took the kids to the doctor's office for my monthly visit where a quick bedside ultrasound told them... it's a boy! We are so excited to meet him and have all our kids in our arms.

This week, my anxiety has gone up a lot. But it's less worry about specific things like loss, and more physical anxiety, which I'm also all-too-familiar with. So I'm committing to keeping a few promises to myself to reduce stress and improve sleep. Basically, this involves moving more after a (necessarily) sedentary few months.

I'm aiming to walk for 30 minutes in the morning after my quick stretches and PT exercises. I've been listening to music and perfecting my pregnancy playlist to reflect the miracle, joy, and anticipation we feel in this season. I also started Barre3 workouts again online this week. I thinks it's feasible to do one 10 minute upper body workout + one 10 minute lower body workout + one 15-30 minute prenatal full-body workout each week. I'll try some new workouts this week and next, and then stick with the same 3 workouts on rotation for 6 weeks to really build strength and endurance back up. It also just makes me breathe deeper (which I don't do when I'm anxious) and will increase my blood flow to keep my varicose veins from aching. And THAT plan will take me right into the 3rd trimester! I'll be bigger then, but also the weather will be maybe getting a little cooler, so I'm hopeful that I will be able to stay active. It's been kind of fun to be pregnant in such different seasons this time around.

Finally, just because I need to commit to this somewhere, I need to act my way back into journaling before bed. I really enjoyed this for a while, and I know it helps my sleep. But I don't wanna. Yet I need to. So tonight I will clear my desk off and just... begin again. No theme, no pressure, just a 5 minute timer and my journal.

Oh! Also, if this baby follows my previous pattern, today basically brings us to the halfway point of this pregnancy, which is REALLY hard to believe. The first trimester lasted FOR-EV-ER and the second is flying by. I'm REALLY trying to focus on one day at a time and not let the pressure of catching up from the first and nesting for the third overwhelm me right here in the sweet second tri.

Weeks 16 and 17

I'm currently 18 weeks and change and I can't believe the difference a few weeks can make! Sometimes I just feel NORMAL for a few minutes. My belly isn't hugely heavy yet, and now that my SI joint pain has improved thanks to taping my diastasis while the top of the uterus migrates past my weak umbilical area... now that I don't feel like vomiting all the time and I only *sometimes* gag when I blow my nose... now that I feel kind of normal tired and not deep-down-in-my-bones fatigued... it's easy to forget, for a moment, that I'm growing a baby. Then, of course, I stand up, or wait on houseguests hand and foot for 3 days, or spend too much time in the car, and I feel it. Physically and emotionally, I feel it.

I'm happy to be second-trimester pregnant this summer as opposed to hugely pregnant or freshly postpartum (as I'm accustomed to being in the summer), but it's pretty gross out there either way. This week, my primary symptoms are fatigue, mood swings, backne, and heat rash in my cleavage. It's super glamorous to type that out, by the way. About as glamorous as it all feels. All of those symptoms are exacerbated by, if not outright caused by, the dang humidity and the subsequent sweating. I'm doing my best to add salt and electrolytes to my water, or else to drink juice or coconut water or fruit popsicles, but... the sweating and the itching. It's too much and I'm grumpy and then exhausted if I am outside for too long.

However, this past week I accidentally felt the baby kick from the outside. Given that I really only feel movement a few times a day, and it's still pretty subtle, I was shocked. But also really happy. With all the loss around me and in the world right now, there's been a lot of tension in the already but not yet that pregnancy entails. I'm VERY anxious for my appointment tomorrow. We are bringing the kids to see the baby on the ultrasound, but I can't quite kick that niggling worry: what if it's not a happy ultrasound?! But I currently have no reason to believe it wouldn't be, so we are proceeding forward. We have the BIG ultrasound with the high-risk OB in two weeks, and I'm more worried about that one being emotional, so Ross and I will be sans big kids then.

Also, I realized yesterday that I might be freaking out because I'm not magically MAKING USE of this time. Am I just going to be more tired and depleted 20+ weeks from now when I'm huge and then postpartum? I feel like I need to catch up on 18 weeks of life I've missed out on, as well as nest for the next 20 weeks before I run out of energy again. I have to remember I feel drastically better in comparison, but I still feel 36 years old and pregnant with two small children in the house. I've been struggling with 1-2 hours of middle-of-the-night insomnia every night, too, and it's taking a toll.

Time to be accountable to the fact that self-care will require a little bit more than JUST intensive rest like the first trimester did! 

13, 14, and 15 weeks

 Interestingly, my symptoms seem to continue to improve as long as I'm caring for myself physically AND emotionally. My nausea decreased significantly after I sort of broke down to my support group around 11 weeks, and it comes back the worst when I'm overwhelmed and rundown and haven't taken the time or space to acknowledge my emotions. Being semi-comatose in front of Netflix is occasionally still necessary, but mostly it's copping out now. I'd be better served by sleeping or journaling or doing some gentle movement.

Even though I'm so grateful I haven't had bleeding for 6 weeks (!!!) now, I'm still anxious. I'm not feeling movement nearly as frequently or as reassuringly as I did around 15 weeks with previous pregnancies. A friend recently lost her baby at 22 weeks for no known reason. Miscarriages seem to abound right now and, yeah, I'm more anxious about it. I started taking baby aspirin because even though my doctor told me the latest research on MTHFR showed that aspirin was not significantly helpful, I feel like I keep hearing that COVID causes blood clots, and the vaccine causes blood clots, and somehow maybe even vaccine "shedding" causes blood clots, and I just... wanted to feel like I was doing something. Previously, I felt relief after the first trimester, but this time it all seems to be fair game: tragedy can happen at any time.

At the same time, I have to acknowledge that others' tragedies aren't mine to carry. I deeply empathize and yet I can know that right now, that isn't my season. I can care for my loved ones and walk through this with them if they want me to, but worrying about it happening to me won't ward off the worst. (Yet even though I'm writing this on a Sunday, I know I won't bring myself to publish it until my appointment on Tuesday.)

So here we are. The last few weeks have been such a welcome reprieve. The fatigue and nausea only really act up when, like I said, I'm not taking care of myself. If I run around like crazy one day, I'm in bed the next. So I'm working on finding a balance to run this race with endurance. I'm excited to slowly start being productive with second trimester reprieve, but I know I can't afford to go overboard with trying to do it all! My decisions now are caring for my current self AND my future postpartum self.

Hmmmm let's see. Most noticeable symptoms are round ligament pain, nasal congestion, nose bleeds, and still some insomnia. But overall I'm in that weird space where I only feel and look a little pregnant, so on good days it's actually easy to forget for a moment. At Noah's birthday party, I jumped rope for a minute to show him how it's done, and about 4 lines into the teddy bear jumprope rhyme realized it was a very bad idea for my bladder! But shoot it was fun for a minute there.

First Trimester Recap, Round 3

I am ecstatically happy to be writing a recap and moving into the second trimester. When I had spotting again at 11 weeks, I really wasn't sure we would keep progressing, but here we are, and I'm so grateful!

How big is baby? Depending on the app, baby is the size of a lemon, a jalapeño or, in "real size" mode, the curled up baby is just about to outgrow the screen on my iPhone!

Due date: December 2-- but based on my history I'm anticipating a Thanksgiving turkey!

How far along: I'm writing this post at 13 weeks and 3 days.

Gender: We have reason to believe we know, but want to wait until the 20 week ultrasound to confirm! Noah wants a boy and Rosie wants a girl, and part of me just wanted to have boy/girl twins so all the siblings could have special sibling friends. (Not gonna lie, though, the idea of twins is a lot and I was grateful when only one baby showed up on ultrasound). I never had sister and I still feel like I missed out on something special. However, I'm 36 and I can confidently say this is the last baby we are PLANNING to have, so we get what we get. Ross and I are happy either way; it's just sibling dynamics that will have to adjust.

Exercise: Stopped when the nausea started between weeks 5-6, sadly. And I had just started up again after the most sedentary year of my life (thanks 2020). But I've been much more active + out and about in the last week or two and I'm hoping that will continue, along with adding in some Barre3. It does feel good to MOVE when I feel good, if that makes sense. I've also started doing some morning stretching and PT which does help with hip and back pain.

Symptoms: Around 10 weeks, I feel like I got hit with relaxin. I got really clumsy, everything felt loosey goosey, and my pregnancy hip pain came back, and the left-sided tension extended all the way to a few really rough tension headaches. I miss Advil. Starting PT again did help with some of that discomfort, thankfully. But I'm still on the hunt for a pillow that doesn't leave me with a sore neck and pending headache in the morning! 

Overall, fatigue is still probably my number one symptom, although it went hand in hand with nausea every minute of the day for a while there. I'm SO GLAD the nausea seemed to peak around week 11 and is on the downhill now. But I still gag when blowing my nose or brushing my teeth, and I still get way nauseated if I go too long without eating. Still working on actually eating enough, frequently enough. Still waking up at night but mostly able to eat a Larabar and go back to sleep.

I've also had shortness of breath for a few weeks, even though baby is still far away from my diaphragm.

Swelling: Not too bad. Breast and pelvic discomfort is significantly less this time around and I'm wondering if it's due to the pro-metabolic lifestyle changes I had implemented for about 9 months prior to getting pregnant. 

Maternity clothes: Exclusively lol. Maternity pants since week 5, and maternity shirts since I "popped" around week 8.

Belly button: It's been pretty stretched out since about 9 weeks, but not an outie yet. I was actually able to palpate my fundal height in the mornings starting around 9 weeks which was super exciting and made me feel a little less crazy for embracing the belly with baby 3.

Sleep: It's been a rough 3... 7... 14 years of sleep?! Between night shift and babies and the chaos of 2019, sleep has been pretty hit or miss. But in the first trimester, even before I got a positive test, I was up at night super hungry or super wired most nights. A 2am snack got me back to sleep about half the time, and the other half I spent 1-3 hours reading in bed to avoid laying there panicking about how little sleep I was getting! Tapping with my counselor actually helped me embrace the middle of the night silence instead of panicking about it and it's improved a bit since then. Still taking 1/2 a Unisom at night more for the sleep than the nausea at this point. Hopefully I can get off of it soon.

Food aversions: I had crazy cravings for chocolate in weeks 4 or 5 and then became totally averse to chocolate and coffee per usual for me in pregnancy. Leftovers are the worst. Now that I'm at the end of the first trimester, some cravings, like sushi, Thai food, etc are actually starting to sound NOT good and food like coffee and chocolate are tolerable again.

Food cravings: Similar to my pregnancy with Noah, most food has been subpar but when something is good, it's REALLY good and the first bite will have me sighing "mmmm" out loud. In the first tri, I craved basically all my favorites from KC: Rainbow Thai Noodles or Drunken Noodles from Lulu's, vegan tiramisu from Cafe Gratitude, pineapple curry from Lemongrass Thai, pineapple canadian bacon and jalepeno pizza from Waldo Pizza, no-bake peanut butter bars from SweetTeas Coffee, the Pork Belly Bowl from Urban Table, Mongolian Beef from PF Chang's, lemon bars from Emily Kate's Bakery via Dolce. *Sigh* My stomach is growling after typing this out. Exactly none of those cravings were met, which is a huge bummer. Most things spicy or tangy are my friend and lemon ginger kombucha was a daily Godsend for a few weeks there. 

Currently, mashed potatoes or vinegary potato salad seem to be my most consistent craving. Speaking of potato salad, now I'm thinking ALL summer cookout food sounds good: brats on the grill, baked beans, tons of watermelon, potato salad, mmmm..... My entire household is also thrilled that when I'm pregnant and it's summer, I actually think about things like ice cream and popsicles.

Movement: I swear I started feeling it around 9 weeks this time around. I still only feel it once or twice a week though.

What I miss: Honestly, I miss living in KC right about now. The homesickness isn't as acute as it was the first year after moving, but I loved walking on our beautiful street in the mornings every summer and eating at all the delicious restaurants. Cravings aren't NEARLY as fun when you live 30+ minutes away from decent food and there's also a sense of craving familiarity and routine. Like, I have places I go and things I do when I'm pregnant and those are different this time around. Which is good and bad.

What I'm loving: Rosie is so stinking excited about the baby. She hugs my belly in the morning and she says, "I can't WAIT for our baby to get here. Christmas is sooooo far away!" She also REALLY wants a girl and is very insistent that was say "he OR she" when talking about the baby.

What I'm looking forward to: I don't want to skip the next 6 months of life, but I'm honestly really looking forward to meeting this new little face.

Best moment this week: Getting CST at PT this week. It's almost as good as a massage, although not quite the same. I really need to schedule one of those too!

11 weeks: Oof

The week between my emergency appointment for cramping and bleeding and my follow-up appointment at 12 weeks has been a mind game. It feels like time is standing still. Instead of bemoaning the nausea or celebrating that it's fading, I'm paranoid that it's a BAD thing that it's fading and that this baby that we are so excited to meet is slipping away from us.

A little bit of knowledge has been a very dangerous thing for me this week after being told I had a retroplacental hemorrhage. Every little cramp and twinge makes me afraid the bleeding will start again. All I see is NICU and high-risk OB cases in my brain. Not the thousands of cases that resolve and disappear and they never know what caused it but never have problems with it again.

So on my end, I'm realizing there's this elusive sense of safety when you reach certain milestones in pregnancy: oh I officially missed my period, oh we saw the heartbeat at 6 weeks, oh we made it through the first trimester. Imagining losing this baby after all this... it's too much. So I avoid thinking about it, mostly. The bleeding has stopped and I'm anxious and paranoid and a little on edge but also, still pregnant. And I will take it. I will take this baby as long as God gives it to me, but I'm not gonna lie-- I'm hoping that's a really really long time.

10 Weeks

Ten weeks is such an exciting milestone: double digits, 1/4 of the way there, baby looks like a baby in there and I look pregnant from the outside. I also FEEL pregnant all of the sudden. I've had the nausea and fatigue, certainly, reminding me for weeks now. But I mean now the rest of my body feels pregnant. I can't bend at the waist as easily. I feel heavier and move slower. If I sit on the floor with one of the kids, getting up is more of an ordeal. I seem to be retaining water and have had some pelvic swelling and hand swelling. I'm clumsy and forgetful: dropping stuff left and right, looking for my phone when it's in my hand... It's all happening! Baby's crown-rump-length is the size of a Lego guy and I continue to maintain that I feel movement a few times a week. Here we go!