Week 5 Emotions

Week 5 has been a lot of emotions coming online as reality sets in: overwhelm, guilt, fatigue, second-guessing. But last night I reminded myself that all of these feelings are growing pains. I've abruptly outgrown my previous self and God is using these 40 weeks of stretching, growing, discomfort, and unknowns to prepare me for a new reality and all that that entails. I'm journaling and getting sunlight and spending less time on social media and sitting with this discomfort to grow my capacity for this new little life joining our family. 

It's hard to believe baby is only the size of a grain of rice, because he or she takes up a lot more space in my thoughts and imagination. Last night, Isaac said, "I wish we had a real baby." He loves babies so much. He's also been a lot more interested in 1:1 attention the last few weeks, bike rides with Ross, hitting wiffle balls with me... I would swear he somehow knows a change is coming. That's the part that makes me sad. But I also rest assured that I had these feelings with every pregnancy, and I immediately loved each baby AND my other kids MORE somehow when the baby arrived. God takes my lack and gives me His abundance, loaves and fishes style, when I'm holding what I do have with open hands and honestly.

My only symptoms this week are being a little more discerning about where my limited energy is going (not a bad thing, especially with June being so busy). And, well, being pretty tearful. Happy and sad tears. 

Isaac is knocking on the window above me and waving as I type this out on the back deck. Rosie has been at horse day camp this week, and Noah has been working hard at basketball. Ross is gearing up for an overnight bike race this weekend and I'm just... ready for bed but enjoying the last few minutes of evening coolness and sunset light while I reflect. 

It's been interesting to see biometrics this time around with my Oura ring and also the CGM I got this week (my other babies were 7# 8oz, 7# 15oz, and 8# 7oz... I'd like to reverse that trend instead of continuing to go up. Although to be fair, Noah and Rosie were those weights at 38.5 and 38.3 weeks, whereas Isaac was 41.1 weeks).

Anyway, basically between 3-4 weeks, my deep sleep significantly decreased, my HRV dropped, my resting HR and RR went up... fascinating how the body immediately goes into baby mode. And so do the emotions! Three more weeks until the first ultrasound feels like a loooooong wait, but also I'm so grateful I feel so GOOD and also last time I saw Isaac on ultrasound earlier because of the early bleeding, which I am VERY happy to skip this time.

I love our little family so dang much that going back to sleepless nights and diapers and nap schedules is an intimidating thought. This last year has felt more freeing with my physical health and kids' routines and more flexible bedtimes and the fact that everyone can wipe their own butt and ride a two-wheel bike and go camping. But I also know that this baby has been on my heart for over a year now, and God put it on Ross' heart, too. It may not be a logical choice, but I trust that it was a faithful one. And I know in my bones it will be so joyful to get one more chance to experience all of the SWEET things that come with a baby, too. And I know, 12 years in, exactly how fast those baby years go, after all. In the blink of an eye we will all be riding bikes together as a family of 6.

Oh, I randomly heard the song, Dare You to Move (throwback to the early 'aughts) a few weeks ago, and even though it was impossibly too early to know, I knew then and there that I was pregnant: 

Welcome to the planet //

welcome to existence //

everyone's here //

everyone's here //

everybody's watching you now //

everybody waits for you now //

what happens next? //

what happens next?

This Old Thing?

I can't believe I'm dusting off this blog at long last, after so much sharing on Instagram and podcasts and Substack.

So much has changed in the last 6 years since moving to Blair. I'm sitting here on the back patio under a blue sky on one of the longest evenings of the year, letting what I'm about to type sink in.

Yesterday marked 4 weeks pregnant with our fourth baby!

Just typing that brings a huge grin to my face. Earlier this evening I read through my 4 week blog posts for the other kids, because I wanted to remember when I started feeling symptomatic. Because the fact of the matter is, I feel GOOD. A little tired, sure. Bloated, weird hunger cues and thirsty and peeing more. But otherwise... GOOD. Life is moving a mile a minute this month and I'm keeping up with it, and keeping a sweet, sweet secret at the same time. 

I let Ross do the test this time, read the instructions, watch the clock... We tested so early, 9 DPO, he could barely see the line. But I, after taking so many false-alarm and wishful-thinking negative tests over the years, saw it right away. Once it dried a bit, he could see it plain as day, too: proof of life. 

I was at a lactation consult last week when I touched my boob to demo something and thought, "oh wow I actually think I'm pregnant." Felt too good to be true when the test agreed. And I feel so physically good that it seems surreal. But the fact is, I've done so many radical things in the last two years to FEEL GOOD. Things I said I'd never do like surgeries and prescription meds and iron infusion, and things I thought I WAS doing, but needed to do better like exercise and eating well and circadian health. 

And here we are with a baby due in February, which I always thought felt like ideal timing but never ended up being ideal for us until now. In February the days are getting longer, but you won't miss much if you're in bed recovering for a week or two. Flu season is mostly over. The homeschool year will be mostly over. IF I do end up feeling yucky in the first trimester, it will be at my FAVORITE time of year when mornings are meant for being outdoors and the sunlight can give me energy and I get get in the water if I want to feel weightless. *chef's kiss*

I am really excited to experiment with drama-free pregnancy and birth. Just, matter-of-fact. I spun out briefly about my age, but The Birthing Instincts podcast was really reassuring. If we got pregnant on our own, odds are really good that this baby is just as healthy as the others. Maybe more so, in some ways. I have more tools at my disposal and more lived experience of listening to my body (which I haven't done much of this week with the insane schedule, but am highly progesterone-motivated to do MUCH more of starting next Monday).

I'm so excited that I don't have to carry a story of symptoms getting worse with each pregnancy or with age. Pre-pregnancy I felt better than I have in ten years, so it only makes sense that would carry over to pregnancy as well. A few waves of fatigue, very occasional waves of nausea, but no victim mentality. No need to identify with a "norm." Lots of curiosity. And SO MUCH anxious hope.

Baby, you are so wanted and loved and delighted in already. You have the best siblings in the world and I want nothing more than to see you grow up alongside them. These early days feel so precarious but I also feel weirdly calm. You are so meant to be. I was thrilled to see my HCG go from 170 on June 15 to 923 on June 18. My estradiol is great and progesterone is also great compared to my other post-op labs, but I'm taking a little bit extra to help support your growth. I cannot wait to see you on ultrasound in 4 weeks and in my arms in 36 weeks! Get cozy and stay a while <3

Dandelion Cookies and Screentime Convictions

 What I'm learning

It feels like a lifetime since I've sat down to write a monthly newsletter, and I guess it kind of has been. I had my 5+ hour endometriosis excision surgery mid-February and a quick follow-up surgery to remove a temporary GoreTex lining (to prevent adhesions) ten days after that. The month of February kind of disappeared in a haze of pain and bedrest. Returning to the real world in March was very tearful, emotional, and exhausting. I honestly felt like I had postpartum depression all over again. I feel like I'm over the worst of it, but I will eventually share this whole experience in a podcast episode for those who are wondering if they have endometriosis or are anticipating going through excision surgery. This whole journey (still ongoing) continues to teach me more and more about self-advocacy, expectations, and taking yourself seriously. I'm also working on being kind and gentle with myself, the way I would talk to a friend if she'd gone through the last 6 months I've gone through. It's a continuous work-in-progress.

What I'm reading

I read so much fiction while I was on bedrest, and ​Hello Stranger​ by Katherine Center was a real standout. It's hard to find something engaging, thought-provoking, slightly different, unpredictable (I TRULY did not see the twist in this book) and still easy to read. Highly recommend it! In non-fiction, I randomly grabbed ​Outdoor Kids in an Inside World​by Steve Rinella when I was at the library, and I'm so glad I did! I'm really hit or miss with non-fiction in this season of life, and this one was enjoyable and educational at the same time. I'm also working through ​Simplicity Parenting​. It's easy and enjoyable to read, but very through-provoking, so I'm taking it slow. As usual, I'm learning about myself as much as I'm learning about my kids as I read this parenting book!

What I'm listening to

Okay I started listening to the ​MoNews​ podcast last fall and I feel so adult about it. For years, I just didn't listen to the news because it was so biased and alarming... but then I was just getting news from Instagram which was even worse! This podcast is truly unbiased, and the elderly millennial jokes are an added bonus. I've also been on an Andrew Peterson kick lately, particularly the ​Burning Edge of Dawn ​album. Worth a listen if you're in a hard season but still know you need the Gospel. Finally, these 2 recent episodes of the 1000 Hours Outside podcast have really given me a lot of food for thought about slowing down and about my own use of screens in lieu of actual self-care and simplification: ​The Internet is Forever, but Your Children are only Children for a Little While​ ​The Undeclared War on Childhood​

On my podcast

​Milk + Motherhood​ got a makeover last month! Check out the new podcast cover in your favorite listening app. The pod is on hiatus right now, but if you subscribe you'll be the first to know when the next episode comes out! I did record a bonus episode last month, though, with my perinatal counselor friend Stephanie Risinger. We talk about that silly Washington Post article that came out a few weeks ago about women getting off the birth control pill amidst "misinformation explosion." We had some things to say, and you can ​listen here​.

What We're Eating

I'm not generally a huge salad person, but have been craving them lately. This ​Roasted Peanut Kale Crunch Salad​ was a hit with the whole family! I also recently found some chili lime salmon skewers at Costco that only had a few simple ingredients. Miraculously, all the kids ate it! Very few semi-homemade foods are safe with our various food allergies, so this was a huge win.

Seasonal Recipe If you have an unsprayed yard, send your kids out to pick yellow dandelion heads. You'll have to twist the petals out for the recipe, but it doesn't take long. Technically, dandelion flowers are high in antioxidants, beta-carotene, and Vitamins C, K, and E. But mostly it's a really fun way to involve your kids in foraging and local food. The cookies taste like lemon shortbread, but with the added visual effect of florals!

Dandelion Shortbread Cookies 1 cup of butter, softened 1/2 cup sugar 1/2 to 1 cup dandelion petals 1 tsp lemon zest 2 1/2 cups Bob's Red Bill 1:1 Gluten-Free flour (or regular AP flour) 1 pinch salt

Cream the butter and sugar together until fluffy, stir in the dandelions and lemon zest until smooth. Add flour and salt and mix well. Roll out to desired thickness (mine were about 2-3cm thick) and cut into desired shapes. Bake at 325 for 20-25 minutes.

Supplement Spotlight

Supplements should always be just that... supplemental to your diet and lifestyle. Over the years I've spent a lot of money of supplements that were either sub-par or not right for me. So when I find a good one that actually works, I love to share! Please know that any time I share an affiliate link or code, it's from a product I purchased myself, loved, and then reached out to the company for a discount code. I will never promote something I don't regularly spend my own money on, and the affiliate links allow you to get a discount if it's something you want to try as well! This month, I started regularly taking ​WishGarden's Rebalance tincture​ for postpartum hormones. I realized I took it for a few weeks after surgery but then stopped for a while, and I also kind of fell apart for a while. Maybe a coincidence, maybe not. But the St. John's Wort and Motherwort help my mood pretty quickly, and I know the other herbs are helping with healing and stabilization. I recently reached out to them and they generously gave me a 20% off code for you all! Just use the code HAPPYMAMA at checkout.

Milk and Motherhood January 2024: layers, marshmallows, and memoir

 What I'm learning

The last few months have been triggering a lot of past memories and tender parts of my story in ways that I never could have planned. Things like getting an iron infusion on the anniversary of when I got emergently admitted to the hospital for postpartum blood transfusions. Having a crazy blizzard 5 years to the day when I received some life-changing bad news, also on the night of a crazy blizzard. Lots of things I thought I'd dealt with have come to the surface in new ways. After the initial freakout, I'm growing to see it all as an opportunity for more healing on a deeper level, instead of telling myself all my work has been for naught. Turns out Shrek was right and we all have layers, like onions (sorry if that reference just outed me as a geriatric millenial).

What I'm reading

If you're an Anne of Green Gables fan, do not miss out on ​Marilla of Green Gables​. Neither the cover nor the description does justice to this book. It was such an enjoyable read. (Trigger warning: Marilla's mother dies in childbirth but the scene is brief and not glamorized or gratuitous.)

In non-fiction, I just re-read the ​Art of Memoir​. I really love writing and I've been working on a book manuscript. If it never goes anywhere, it will still have been healing to write it and Karr's thoughts on how and why memoir is powerful makes so much sense to me.

What I'm listening to

Like most of us, I go through phases with podcasts. I haven't been able to listen to many recently. Sub-zero temps, two blizzards, and major cabin fever have left me with very little uninterrupted time this month. I find myself listening to old playlists or ​Sandra McCracken's Psalms​ album often.

However, ​this episode​ of the Bare Marriage podcast came out a few days ago and it articulates so many things that my husband and I have been working through with parenting our third kiddo as more of a team. I can't say I wholeheartedly stand behind this podcast as a whole, mostly because the main host drives me slightly crazy (I appreciate her message but not her delivery of it). BUT the three other people on ​this episode about letting men be dads​ are GOLD. Very thought-provoking. I want to hear what you think when you listen!

On my podcast

I started my own podcast called ​Milk + Motherhood​ in October 2022. It's on hiatus right now, but if you subscribe you'll be the first to know when the next episode comes out! Next week, I'm finally chatting with my friend Melanie (a fellow IBCLC) for the weaning episode we have had to reschedule way too many times! If you have questions about weaning, hit reply to this email and we will be sure to address them.

In the meantime, did you hear me on the ​Innate Wisdom Podcast​ last month? I was definitely in a spicy mood when we recorded and we cover a lot of ground!

What We're Eating

1.) I hate cooking right now. My youngest is at, like, peak toddlerhood shenanigans having just turned 2. It is so adorable and hilarious and I am already preemptively aching for how much I'll miss this season when it's gone. But also, I will not for one minute miss dinnertime with a toddler who is either crawling on every surface in the kitchen, putting himself in danger while I cook, or else screaming because I've locked him out of the kitchen. We are eating old standbys like spaghetti with meat sauce, sheet pan nachos, and Kevin's sous vide meals with rice. Anything quick and mindless.

2.) I just re-ordered some ​Mama Meals​ because I appreciated them so much after my surgery in November. I'm most excited about the shatavari rice pudding and the lactation brownies. These meals are nutrient-dense, organic, PUFA-free... honestly everything I strive to be in my own kitchen, but shipped to you in frozen portions to heat up at your leisure when you're needing to rest and recover. Ideal for postpartum, but I figure my upcoming endometriosis excision surgery is definitely going to be similar to PP recovery. I actually chatted with the owners recently and got an affiliate code for you: ​HAPPYMAMA20​ will get you $20 off your first order!

Seasonal Recipe

It's hot chocolate season! Homemade marshmallows melt wonderfully in hot drinks this time of year, and they're easier to make than you might think:

1 cup of water, divided 3 Tbs ​Perfect Supplements​ gelatin* 1/2 cup maple syrup 1/2 cup sugar 2 tsp vanilla extract 1/4 tsp salt 1.) Line an 8x8 or 9x9 square pan with parchment paper.

2.) Put 1/2 cup of the water in a small saucepan and 1/2 cup in a mixing bowl. 3.) Sprinkle the gelatin powder evenly over the surface of the water in the bowl and wait several minutes for it to "bloom," or soak up some of the water. 4.) Meanwhile, turn the stove top on low and heat the remaining water and the maple syrup. When they're just below a simmer, dissolve the sugar in the saucepan and add the vanilla and salt. Stir the warm mixture until smooth. 5.) Slowly pour the warm mixture into the gelatin + water mixture while stirring gently with an electric mixer. Slowly turn the mixer up to high speed (you'll need a kitchen towel for a splatter guard) and mix for about 15 minutes. The fluff should be smooth and stick upside down on a spoon when you swipe some out of the bowl. If it's runny, it's not mixed enough. If it's lumpy, you overmixed (but they still taste delicious, so proceed anyway and make a note for next time). 6.) Quickly use a spatula to scoop the fluff from the mixing bowl and into the lined pan and smooth the top. They start to solidify quickly, so it takes some practice to make this look cute. You can either leave on the countertop for a few hours, or place in the fridge for 30 minutes or so before cutting. 

*I love ​Perfect Supplements​ because it's glyphosate-free and grass-fed. Code HAPPYMAMA10 gets you 10% off!

Parting Thoughts

Thank you so much for subscribing to this little missive, following me on social media, supporting my podcast, and using my affiliate links. I'm so grateful for this community and your support. 

M + M: December 2023 (The Hopes and Fears of All the Years)

As has been the trends this fall, I started this email last month and I'm finally sending it out this month! I had surgery 2.5 weeks ago and recovery has been a little rougher than I anticipated. Exacerbated, I think, by the fact that I have to do this two more times in February and that feels a little intimidating. But I think it will be worth it. I have dealt with truly awful pain for about 1/3 of the month for most of my adult life, but particularly in the last 5 years. I truly feel like I tried everything holistic I possibly could and I finally just realized I'd tried it all, and feeling like this was unsustainable. So I took myself and my lingering health issues to a NaPro surgeon. I had a D & C that did intentify/help remove some of my bleeding issues, and I also asked her to do a laparoscopy while I was under anesthesia because I was already committed to the process.

She found severe endometriosis as well as herniated round ligaments. Which not only explains why I was in so much pain monthly, but also explains why I was in so much pain with my last pregnancy, and why bodywork, stretching, spinning babies, etc consistency make me feel worse (I cringe every time I think how I was stretching an already torn and overstretched ligament!) I actually initially drafted a whole email about gaslighting and both allopathic and holistic providers kind of shaming your symptoms instead of taking them seriously or referring you on. But I realized that it required too much nuance, so into the podcast drafts folder it goes!

What I'm learning

What I've learned through all of this is that, of course, health is more complex than any one provider can give it credit for. Trauma, history, genetics, environment, diet, nutrition, mindset, community. It all plays a part. And each part might need something different to heal. What's helping me right now happens to be two surgeons coordinating an 8 hour robotic surgery to remove things that shouldn't be there and repair things that should. 

I'm anxious, but weirdly relieved. An endo diagnosis has been a long time in coming and it's so validating. I also feel like I'm far enough into ownership over my own health that having a diagnosis like this doesn't feel too overwhelming or victimizing. The endo surgeon asked me prior to surgery if I had specific pain points and I gave her some detailed diagrams. Every point but one of them can be explained by large endometriosis lesions or the round ligament damage. I'm glad I finally accepted that I didn't want to be in this much pain forever, and that it wasn't a normal amount of pain, regardless of what I told myself for a long time.

What I'm reading

Ahhhhh I finally returned two overdue books to the library, so my Libby account has been unlocked. I was an avid books-only reader until about 3 years ago, and I have to admit that reading on my Kindle is a game-changer with small kids in the home! 

Good fiction can teach us so much about ourselves and the world. It doesn't even have to be stuffy literary fiction! I recently highlighted so many insightful passages in Emily Henry's ​Happy Place​. In non-fiction, I finally finished ​What Happened to You?​ I really didn't like Oprah's side of the conversation... it didn't seem to add value to the book as a whole. However, Dr. Bruce Perry does a really great job of breaking down what trauma is, how it affect us, and how we move through it. I really appreciated his segments.

This isn't quiiiiiite what I'm reading right now, but I read ​Daisy Jones and the Six​ a few years ago. If you haven't gotten into Taylor Jenkins Reid yet, I highly recommend her novels. I was skeptical when I heard a limited TV series was coming out with an adaptation, but I started watching Daisy Jones and the Six while recovering post-op, and WOW. I guess it has a bunch of Golden Globes nominations, so I'm not alone in thinking the acting is truly phenomenal and the filmography is stunning. It might be the only time I've ever said the screen version was better than the book!

What I'm listening to

I've listened to a lot of podcasts this month, driving to appointments and doing food prep. Here are my favorites:

• ​The Emotional Impact of Divorce, part 1​ on the Bravewriter podcast. No, I'm not getting divorced. Although I was close to it this time 5 years ago. However, we all know someone who has been affected by divorce. Julie (the podcast host) is in her 50s with grown children and she's active in AlAnon recovery. She's also the most realistic homeschool podcaster I listen to. So I knew she'd have some great insights about marriage, parenting, and school choice in this episode, and I was right. Can't wait to listen to part 2!
• ​How to Make the Rest of 2023 Easier​ on the Lazy Genius podcast. Once of the lazy genius principles is Knowing Your Season, and for a long time, I knew that even the simple, straightforward advice that Kendra offers would be too overwhelming. However, I've been back on the Lazy Genius train lately. Even if I'm not truly implementing what she talks about, I always appreciate the points she brings up and it allows me to think through whatever current challenge she's discussing, even if I don't sit and journal through it.

On my podcast

I started a podcast called ​Milk + Motherhood​ last October. Season 1 was focused on postpartum identity, recovery, and nutrition. Seson 2 is dove into more specialized subjects regarding postparutm and motherhood. Season 3 is coming this spring!

Even if you don't listen, check out the shownotes for a wealth of additional information on subjects like postpartum nutrition and biologically normal infant sleep. Spotify wrap-ups just told me these were your favorite episodes in the past year:

--​ Wise Traditions in Early Motherhood with Sally Fallon​ -- ​What to Expect When You Were Expecting to Sleep Like a Baby with Taylor Kulik​ -- ​Breastfeeding a Baby with Food Allergies with Dr. Trill​ If you're loving the podcast, please subscribe and leave an ​Apple podcast review​! It's really easy to type a few sentences in, and it helps more people find the fantastic information my guests are sharing with you all. I also love it when you screenshot the episode you're listening to and tag me in your Instagram stories (@happy.mama.healthy.baby)

What We're Eating

You all got my freezer meal freebie when you signed up for this newsletter, and if you haven't opened it yet, you're missing out. This is helpful for any busy life season, not just postpartum. I made about half a dozen of these meals to prepare for my surgery and it was so helpful because I was more down and out than I anticipated. Will absolutely be doing this again in February.

I also ordered a few frozen meals from ​Mama Meals​ to eat for lunch those first two weeks post-op and I was so happy with them! Totally wish they'd been a postpartum option for me, but I will absolutely be using them again post-op.

Seasonal Recipe

Do you eat cinnamon rolls on Christmas? It was my family's tradition growing up, and I've stuck to it with my kids. But going gluten free and then, at various points with various kids, dairy free and egg free, it's felt like an impossible task some years and we've had some pretty sub-par cinnamon roll attempts. Last Easter, I found this recipe and I remember LOVING IT. Just got my brown rice starter out of the fridge, and I'm hoping ​these cinnamon rolls​ are as good as I remember!

Parting Thoughts

Thank you so much for subscribing to this little missive, following me on social media, supporting my podcast, and using my affiliate links. I'm so grateful for this community and your support.