Sunday Night Blues

Remember in high school, you'd leave school on a Friday afternoon with a light heart and spend the weekend sleeping in, hanging out with your friends, and running around town with boundless energy? And then all-too-soon, Sunday night would come and you'd have to face reality and your homework and another week of school?

Well, this Monday through Friday gig? It kind of reminds me of that. I did the bedside nurse thing for 5 years almost to the day. There were a lot of pros and a lot of cons, and I hope to get back there someday. Sure, I hated working weekends, it wore me out when 12-hours felt like forever long, the unpredictable schedule was infuriating, and I loathed working holidays. But this cycle of 45 to 50 hour workweeks and a weekend that goes by too quickly? It kind of crushes your spirit.

So kudos to you who have been doing this for 5, 10, 20, or 30 years. Truly, my hat is off to you. When do you go to the doctor or run errands or get a haircut? How do you find time for sanity? And do Sunday nights ever get any less depressing?!

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I can't tie these past few months into a neat and tidy bow because they're very much still a work in progress. I can't talk about many of the details online, but changing jobs has knocked me off my feet in a whole lot of ways. I have so many thoughts swimming through my head, but there's one very tangible thing I became aware of this week: God has been faithful through my tears and my unmet expectations.

He's teaching me a lot of lessons about control and he's teaching me that I can still rest in him regardless of circumstances. Every Sunday night, I'm sick to my stomach with anxiety and I truly don't know how I will get through the week that stretches before me. It's unfathomable and uncomfortable and I know I'm completely unprepared for the questions and phone calls and expectations that I will face tomorrow morning.

But the past two weeks, I've sat down every single morning and admitted, God, I can't do this. I can't pretend to know what I'm talking about. I can't pretend that I anticipate the doctor's every need. I can't get through this day without you. I don't know what it looks like to pray unceasingly, but I know will all my heart that I need you if I'm going to make it through today.

And he does. He gets me through the day by no merit of my own, but with a peace that truly surpasses understanding. My heart has been shockingly, unbelievably calm amidst the crazy the past two weeks. Now staying calm when I get home? That's a different story altogether.

But tonight, in this one moment, I know I can wholeheartedly thank God for bringing me to my knees because I'm finally getting a glimpse of how his strength is made perfect in my weakness. Each Sunday night, I just know the chasm is far too wide and I won't make it to Friday. And every Friday I realize I don't deserve any credit for having made it through.

I don't want to take this for granted. And I can't wait to see what God has up his sleeve because he makes all things (even especially the hard things) work together for my good.



Your Love Never Fails by Jesus Culture

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

   You stay the same through the ages
   Your love never changes
   There maybe pain in the night 
   but joy comes in the morning

   And when the oceans rage
   I don't have to be afraid
   Because I know that You love me
   Your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone in these open seas
'Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

    You make all things work together for my good