What I Really Want to Say

Natalie Goldberg says that simply writing the words, "What I really want to say," will spark some good writing. I have a lot I've been wanting to say, but I'm not sure where to start, so I'll try this.

What I really want to say is:

-I can't believe Noah is 4 months old. I know it's the oldest cliche in the book; but sometimes I look down at his little face and see glimpses of a boy, and not just a baby! Honestly, it does make me a little sad. Postpartum recovery was rough for me for some reason, and I've been in a lot of pain. I feel like I finally started to emerge from the haze of discomfort only to find my baby isn't a baby! I can already be nostalgic about when he used to wear that tiny outfit, or when he used to fit just here.

That being said, it's an absolute delight to watch him grown and develop! I am so used to babies perpetually staying babies at work and it's so new to me to have a one learning new tricks every day. The pediatrician actually said he's doing a few 6 month things like standing and bearing most of his weight on his legs, and doing the skydiver move when he's on his belly. It's pretty funny to watch, and it's crazy that some mornings he'll just wake up and start doing something he's never done before, like it's no big deal!

-Noah started Zantac a few weeks ago and it's amazing what a difference it's made! It makes me a little sad we didn't start it sooner. I feel like a lot of those infuriating, sleepless days could've been avoided! I feel so bad that when I was tired and irritated, he was just trying to say he was in pain! Better late than never, I guess, and we're happy to have our smiley baby back. Still working on naps, but at least he doesn't wake himself up crying now!

-I have always been a homebody, but having a baby brought that to a whole new level and I'm fairly restless some days. It finally doesn't give me complete anxiety to leave the house, but I'm still particular about doing it during his awake times, and not wanting to feed him in public (we're just not coordinated enough for that). I knew intellectually that having a baby would change everything, but I will admit I'm still adjusting to some of those changes. I wouldn't trade him for anything, but that doesn't mean that some days it does feel good to leave him with Ross and run errands alone in the evening.

-I miss sweaty workouts. I started working out slowly around 7 weeks postpartum and have been working out about twice a week since then, with about two long walks thrown in the mix as well. I mentioned that my recovery has been really slow, and it's made working out a bit discouraging. Swimming feels the BEST, but I'm mentally opposed to swimming indoors since it's much colder than swimming laps on a sunny, 90 degree day.

-Physical therapy and accupuncture have been Godsends. Incredibly expensive, yes. But I feel like my pain and swelling is finally getting under control and I don't even want to think about how I'd still be feeling without those things.