Here's something that happened yesterday: my kid escaped the HOUSE. Not just the room, or the crib, or the high chair. The actual house.
In the moment, it was so scary, and I was so guilt-ridden afterward. But thank GOD none of the 'what-ifs' happened, and in the end we're left with a funny little story that depicts Noah's personality well.
So we have a tiny house. The general living space is just two rooms: the kitchen and living room. Two bedrooms and a bathroom are blocked off by a baby gate, and one bedroom is blocked off as long as we keep that door closed.
Yesterday, Ross and I were prepping some food for the week. Oven on, blenders going, etc. Noah was crawling and walking around, making messes like he loves to do, and occasionally coming into the kitchen with us to bang some pots and pans around.
At one point, Noah crawled out of sight, back into the living room, and we didn't think anything of it. Then I noticed he'd been quiet for a minute, so I went to look for him, assuming we'd left a door or gate open and he was playing quietly in a room he shouldn't be in (funny how babies get quiet when they do something they know they shouldn't be doing...). I didn't see him in the living room, the baby gate was locked, and the bedroom door was closed. My heart skipped a beat. Something told me to look outside, AND THERE WAS MY BABY. WITH HIS WALKING TOY. TODDLING DOWN THE DRIVEWAY LIKE IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
What?!
I mean, we leave the front door open when we're home because we have a glass door in front of it that latches shut. Now, sometimes if we're not careful, the door doesn't latch completely, although we got pretty good about double-checking it once Noah became mobile. BUT even when it's unlatched, the door is really heavy for a one-year-old. In fact, as a matter of interest, I decided to see if he could replicate his escape, and he could not. On the first try, he got stuck when the door kept closing on him, and on the second try, the door knocked him down. (This was not a violent experiment, by the way. The door is not heavy enough to hurt him, and we were right there. Errr. This time.)
But. Assuming he gets past the door, he still has two concrete steps to navigate, without railings. We know he can crawl down stairs backwards, but walking? It's truly a miracle that he didn't fall and crack his head open. And a miracle that I got out there right as he was making a beeline for the street. The mind boggles at the potential for disaster here.
How he did this all, flawlessly, in literally less than two minutes, is beyond me. The only thing we can figure, is that Noah somehow noticed that the glass door wasn't closed all the way, saw a window of opportunity, grabbed his trusty walker, and made a beeline for the door, Platform 9 3/4-style. The wind must've somehow caught the door, held it open, and closed it softly, because even over the noise of the blender, you'd think we'd hear the door slamming shut. Then he must've used the walker to help him down the stairs (he can totally walk without it, and often lifts it up to change directions when he's pushing it around). Finally, even though he cries when I go outside without him to get something out of the car, he must not have cared that he was outside without me.
This kid.
Showing posts with label Noah. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Noah. Show all posts
Monday, July 6, 2015
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Life with a One Year Old
Here's a snapshot of one of our days, so I can remember what this fleeting time looks like. We were in a routine for about two months there, but in the last week, Noah has showed signs of being ready to change again, especially in regards to napping.
0515: Noah is up! I let him talk in his crib for 5 minutes, but then he starts to fuss and it's clear he isn't going back to sleep. I go get him and nurse him.
0545: Put baby back in the crib to see if he will fall asleep. He acts like he wants to, but never does.
0615: Ross finally gets Noah and feeds him breakfast and I get to go back to sleep!!! Noah's breakfast has been pretty consistent the past two months, and it's huge:
-1 banana (yup, the whole thing disappears so quickly)
-1 Paleo muffin (I try to change up flavors, but I always go with a Paleo recipe because they're higher in fat and lower in sugar)
-1/4 cup thawed smoothie of pureed mango, pineapple, coconut, and strawberry (organic tropical fruit mix from Target with 1/4 cup of shredded unsweetened coconut added in. I make two weeks' worth at a time, and I add spinach, too, if I remember) + 1/4 cup baby oatmeal
0730: I wake up to Noah crawling around like a madman. I love that pitter patter. He's always so happy to be awake in the morning! I get up and Ross leaves for work. That extra sleep was a luxury today!
0745: Noah very intentionally crawls over to his stroller, stands up, puts a hand on the seat, and looks at me. Kid is a creature of habit, just like his mom! Time for our morning walk. I transfer my mueslix to a coffee mug so I can eat while we walk.
0845: 2 miles down. I love the golden, quiet coolness of summer mornings! And we now have a very sleepy baby on our hands. I nurse him quickly, and put him in his crib super drowsy.
0900-1000: Noah falls asleep after about 10 minutes, but only sleeps for 10 minutes! I leave him in his crib for the allotted hour, but he never does fall back asleep, so I get him up and he nurses again.
1015: First lunch! Noah eats some puffs and a pouch of pureed salmon, quinoa, and veggies.
1030: Some friends invited us to the pool, and I guess the perk of no nap is that we get to go! Time for swim diapers and (torture) sunscreen.
1050-noon: Noah splashes around in the baby pool, perfectly content to play with a shovel and bucket with occasional crawling or walking breaks to find a new spot to sit. At one point, he found a water jet, but it was a little to strong to keep him interested. He also played in the nearby sand. Looks like he's not afraid of it like he was in Hawaii!
1215: Home again, home again. I nurse Noah and he falls asleep in my arms while I'm taking him to his room! Almost never happens, so I sit for a bit and snuggle until he's fast asleep. I cherish those sweet little snores, and I'm sad my back hurt too much to hold him for his whole nap.
1245: I finally lay him in his crib. He wakes up briefly, but falls back asleep while I'm warming up my lunch.
1415: Noah is up after 1.5-2 hours. Not exactly the epic nap I was hoping for, given his lack of a real morning nap.
1420: Nurse
1445: Second lunch. Noah has one toddler cookie with some peanut butter on it and a few green beans. After lunch, he plays for a bit.
1515: Leave for the chiropractor. Noah pulls all the books off the shelf while I get adjusted. We stay for a while afterwards because Noah LOVES to play with their play kitchen.
1700: Arrive home with a VERY cranky baby. He's moaning and groaning with one side of his mouth held shut. Poor teething baby.
1720: Noah gets dinner: a meatloaf muffin, some olives, some hemp milk, and a few strawberry slices.
1740: Dad's home! And Noah is still cranky. He has a temp of 101.8, so he gets some Advil and then it's bath time. So much splashing and talking!
1800: Out of the tub. Diapering and pajama-ing is a two person job these days.
1815: Nurse
1845: Ross reads Noah a story and puts him in bed.
1900: Baby is asleep!
0515: Noah is up! I let him talk in his crib for 5 minutes, but then he starts to fuss and it's clear he isn't going back to sleep. I go get him and nurse him.
0545: Put baby back in the crib to see if he will fall asleep. He acts like he wants to, but never does.
0615: Ross finally gets Noah and feeds him breakfast and I get to go back to sleep!!! Noah's breakfast has been pretty consistent the past two months, and it's huge:
-1 banana (yup, the whole thing disappears so quickly)
-1 Paleo muffin (I try to change up flavors, but I always go with a Paleo recipe because they're higher in fat and lower in sugar)
-1/4 cup thawed smoothie of pureed mango, pineapple, coconut, and strawberry (organic tropical fruit mix from Target with 1/4 cup of shredded unsweetened coconut added in. I make two weeks' worth at a time, and I add spinach, too, if I remember) + 1/4 cup baby oatmeal
0730: I wake up to Noah crawling around like a madman. I love that pitter patter. He's always so happy to be awake in the morning! I get up and Ross leaves for work. That extra sleep was a luxury today!
0745: Noah very intentionally crawls over to his stroller, stands up, puts a hand on the seat, and looks at me. Kid is a creature of habit, just like his mom! Time for our morning walk. I transfer my mueslix to a coffee mug so I can eat while we walk.
0845: 2 miles down. I love the golden, quiet coolness of summer mornings! And we now have a very sleepy baby on our hands. I nurse him quickly, and put him in his crib super drowsy.
0900-1000: Noah falls asleep after about 10 minutes, but only sleeps for 10 minutes! I leave him in his crib for the allotted hour, but he never does fall back asleep, so I get him up and he nurses again.
1015: First lunch! Noah eats some puffs and a pouch of pureed salmon, quinoa, and veggies.
1030: Some friends invited us to the pool, and I guess the perk of no nap is that we get to go! Time for swim diapers and (torture) sunscreen.
1050-noon: Noah splashes around in the baby pool, perfectly content to play with a shovel and bucket with occasional crawling or walking breaks to find a new spot to sit. At one point, he found a water jet, but it was a little to strong to keep him interested. He also played in the nearby sand. Looks like he's not afraid of it like he was in Hawaii!
1215: Home again, home again. I nurse Noah and he falls asleep in my arms while I'm taking him to his room! Almost never happens, so I sit for a bit and snuggle until he's fast asleep. I cherish those sweet little snores, and I'm sad my back hurt too much to hold him for his whole nap.
1245: I finally lay him in his crib. He wakes up briefly, but falls back asleep while I'm warming up my lunch.
1415: Noah is up after 1.5-2 hours. Not exactly the epic nap I was hoping for, given his lack of a real morning nap.
1420: Nurse
1445: Second lunch. Noah has one toddler cookie with some peanut butter on it and a few green beans. After lunch, he plays for a bit.
1515: Leave for the chiropractor. Noah pulls all the books off the shelf while I get adjusted. We stay for a while afterwards because Noah LOVES to play with their play kitchen.
1700: Arrive home with a VERY cranky baby. He's moaning and groaning with one side of his mouth held shut. Poor teething baby.
1720: Noah gets dinner: a meatloaf muffin, some olives, some hemp milk, and a few strawberry slices.
1740: Dad's home! And Noah is still cranky. He has a temp of 101.8, so he gets some Advil and then it's bath time. So much splashing and talking!
1800: Out of the tub. Diapering and pajama-ing is a two person job these days.
1815: Nurse
1845: Ross reads Noah a story and puts him in bed.
1900: Baby is asleep!
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Noah's Birthday
A year ago today, I was in this hospital in labor! If I really think about it, I can practically feel the contractions again. Labor is an intense, beautiful, elusive movement-- and labor endorphins? They're no joke! I could use another hit right now.
I know that labor and delivery can be traumatic and terrifying and the best laid plans can go awry in the blink of an eye. I have nothing but gratitude and thanksgiving for Noah's Birth Day. I will never take that experience for granted.
But the best part is, even though my sleep-deprived self craves that labor high and I still (yes, still) miss being pregnant and can't believe it's been a year already, I know the adventure has only begin. Getting to know the little man I met a year ago today? That's the real honor. Carrying and laboring and delivering are wonderful, but they aren't mothering.
I've been writing monthly letters to Noah, but today's is the last one. We made it to a year. His growth and development are accelerating too quickly, his hilarious shenanigans too frequent, to write down every single memory. So I will depart from the early milestones and the baby calendar and the *sniff* baby jammies and follow in the footsteps of my brave little boy: falling forward with a smile and trusting that my feet will catch up!
Happy 1st Birthday, Noah! The week we brought you home, I kept thinking, "surely I have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." I love you so much. Thank you for being patient with me as I learn how to be your Mama!
 |
| Noah on his Birth Day and on his Birthday! |
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
To Myself, 365 Days Ago (The Birth of a Mother)
This IS real labor, by the way.
 |
| mid-contraction before heading to the hospital June 4 |
But holy crap... denial is the best labor tool ever (although your doula is a close second). But seriously. From the first painful contraction that came during shift report this morning, to 4:29pm tomorrow when you meet the little one who has been in there all this time, will stretch 33.5 hours of contractions. But you will really only feel like you're in labor for 4 hours, because that's the amount of time you officially had to wrap your head around the idea.
Four hours from the moment your Midwife said, "we're going to do a direct admit to L and D right now," to the moment it was suddenly all over. Just like that. And of course, "just like that" foreshadows the entire year to follow, as well.
 |
| during our brief stay in L and D |
Let me just give you a hug right now. For 38.5 weeks, you thought labor was the end. But really, it's the very beginning. Not only was a baby born that sunny day in June that dawned after a stormy night, but two clueless parents were born as well. You and Ross didn't know it, but you were about to embark upon an anxious, overwhelming, wonderful, blessed, sleepless, tear-stained, hilarious, frustrating, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful year. It won't take you long to realize that your work experience is useless, and everything is new again when the baby under your care is your own, 24/7/365.
Welcome to the hardest and best year of your life. A year in which you will learn that all those annoying mom cliches are there for a reason. Time flies. They're not little for long. The days are long, but the years are short. You'll realize all of this fairly quickly, and you'll FEEL it all. The highs will be higher, the lows will be lower. Your heart IS walking around outside of your body, and it takes your breath away when you feel the weight of that. Sometimes the weight will be golden and awe-some, in a let's-have-5,000-more-babies sort of way. Other times it will feel impossibly heavy, like you are doomed to failure and no mere mortal should ever be given so much responsibility as to be the caretaker of a little soul.
You will start panicking that "he's already a year old" around 9 months and you will keep reminding yourself, we had only just bought our house this time last year... I was still hanging drywall this time last year... he flipped breech this time last year and I started swimming laps to encourage him to flip back...
Post-partum will kick your butt. You will go to physical therapy for muscles you neeever knew existed. Due to that pain, the first 6 weeks of newborn-ness will crawl by like one long, anxious, tightly-wound day. And when the haze ends suddenly, and time starts traveling at warp speed? You'll want those sweet, snuggly, blurry first 6 weeks back.
Just when you start to feel comfortable with one aspect of Noah's babyhood, everything changes. For better and for worse. Arching, crying, and screaming finally give way to a more comfortable baby when he starts Prilosec. Painful thrush and a poor latch give way to an awesome breastfeeding relationship. Post-partum pain gives way to extreme gratitude for body parts you used to take for granted. But also... exclusive breastfeeding, gives way to introducing solids. Happy wiggles give way to mobility. Two naps (which you fought for tooth and nail) will soon give way to one nap.
And the first year gives way to the second. You made it! Cue the waterworks.
Love,
me
Monday, April 27, 2015
Our Bigger Baby Favorites
Try as we might to avoid the trappings of material clutter in our tiny house, it's a little inevitable with a little one. Here are the things we've found ourselves reaching for the most lately:
-Bumkins bibs. We actually got these in a Citrus Lane box that we ordered randomly, and they're our favorite bibs by far. Easy to wipe clean, easy to wash in the washer, and they have a pocket to catch slippery things that inevitably succumb to gravity during mealtime.
-Beaba silicone mold for homemade baby food. I do want to make note of our favorite baby food "recipes" eventually, but these molds have made homemade baby food a pretty simple process.
-That being said, man, pouches of food are the easiest thing ever, and Noah loves them! I feel like they don't keep him full as long as more solid food does, but they're super convenient on-the-go. I'll go ahead and say I'm a snob and I want him to be eating mostly organic food this first year. Gluten and dairy free, too, since we tried introducing both recently and it didn't go well. There are multiple good brands out there, but Earth's Best seems to have a better price point than some of the others.
-HappyBaby snacks. Noah loves their gluten free puffs!
-Snow and Arrow recycled wool slippers. They stay ON and they have traction on the bottom, which was nice for cold winter toes and a mobile baby.
-Love to Dream sleepsack it fits a little more snugly than some other brands, which I like.
-Hannah Anderson Pilot Cap to keep Noah from pulling his hearing aids out.
-Boon Frog Pod to store bath toys. I like that it drains well. We love these Boon bath toys as well. Noah loves to chew on them, and I love that they don't absorb water so they're less likely to grow funky stuff from bathwater.
-Joovy Dood sippy cups. They have a slower flow than the other sippys we've tried.
-Our stroller! It was an amazing baby shower gift, and I'm so excited to use it more as the weather warms up.
-KangarooCare nursing necklace. There are a lot of these out there, but this was by far the classiest looking one I found. Around 8 months, Noah started getting suuuper distracted while nursing, and this helps hold his attention!
-The Leapfrog Learn and Groove table. A friend generously gave this to us, and I thought I'd hate it. But man, Noah loves it. It was the perfect height when he was learning to pull up, and for a while it was the first toy he visited every morning!
-And we can't forget Captain Calamari, Noah's car toy!
(Speaking of the car, Noah's just about too tall for his Chicco Keyfit 30 Infant Carseat. We've been happy with it, and we are sad to be graduating to the next step :-/)
-Bumkins bibs. We actually got these in a Citrus Lane box that we ordered randomly, and they're our favorite bibs by far. Easy to wipe clean, easy to wash in the washer, and they have a pocket to catch slippery things that inevitably succumb to gravity during mealtime.
-Beaba silicone mold for homemade baby food. I do want to make note of our favorite baby food "recipes" eventually, but these molds have made homemade baby food a pretty simple process.
-That being said, man, pouches of food are the easiest thing ever, and Noah loves them! I feel like they don't keep him full as long as more solid food does, but they're super convenient on-the-go. I'll go ahead and say I'm a snob and I want him to be eating mostly organic food this first year. Gluten and dairy free, too, since we tried introducing both recently and it didn't go well. There are multiple good brands out there, but Earth's Best seems to have a better price point than some of the others.
-HappyBaby snacks. Noah loves their gluten free puffs!
-Snow and Arrow recycled wool slippers. They stay ON and they have traction on the bottom, which was nice for cold winter toes and a mobile baby.
-Love to Dream sleepsack it fits a little more snugly than some other brands, which I like.
-Hannah Anderson Pilot Cap to keep Noah from pulling his hearing aids out.
-Boon Frog Pod to store bath toys. I like that it drains well. We love these Boon bath toys as well. Noah loves to chew on them, and I love that they don't absorb water so they're less likely to grow funky stuff from bathwater.
-Joovy Dood sippy cups. They have a slower flow than the other sippys we've tried.
-Our stroller! It was an amazing baby shower gift, and I'm so excited to use it more as the weather warms up.
-KangarooCare nursing necklace. There are a lot of these out there, but this was by far the classiest looking one I found. Around 8 months, Noah started getting suuuper distracted while nursing, and this helps hold his attention!
-The Leapfrog Learn and Groove table. A friend generously gave this to us, and I thought I'd hate it. But man, Noah loves it. It was the perfect height when he was learning to pull up, and for a while it was the first toy he visited every morning!
-And we can't forget Captain Calamari, Noah's car toy!
(Speaking of the car, Noah's just about too tall for his Chicco Keyfit 30 Infant Carseat. We've been happy with it, and we are sad to be graduating to the next step :-/)
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Hearing and Loss: Part 2
(You can read the first part of the story HERE)
When Noah got his hearing aids around three months of age, the audiologist sent us home with instructions to wear them all of the time when he was awake. So the first day, we did.
He was MISERABLE. I was miserable. He was so, so fussy that day and refused to nap. I was afraid that he was overstimulated all of the sudden, and that hearing all the sounds all at once was really overwhelming. After a horrible day, we took a break for a few days. (When his fussiness didn't subside, we finally figured out it was reflux, but that's a different story for a different day.)
So after that terrible introduction, I was hesitant to have his wear the aids all the time. I mean, he couldn't even hold his head up for long periods of time yet, and hearing aid microphones feedback just like normal microphones when they get too close to something. So of course I didn't want him laying on one ear, or sitting in a carseat with the aids in, or anything like that.
There was finally a golden period where he could sit up and wear his hearing aids for a longer period of time, but that ended once he learned how to pull them out of his ears. So to make a long story short, I probably haven't had him wear them as much as he should. There is always an excuse.
Ironically, I felt like I was being nicer to him by not making him wear them 24/7. I was also lulled into a false sense of complacency by the fact that Noah's hearing appeared to be better than that of my youngest brother, who has hearing aids but doesn't always need to wear them. I mean, it's usually just Noah and me hanging out in a quiet house, and he always seems to respond to noises and voices...
But last week, I got to go into the sound booth for Noah's first Visual Reinforcement Audiometry (VRA) Test and hold him on my lap while the audiologist projected sounds at different volumes and frequencies from different speakers around the room. When Noah heard a sound and turned toward the corresponding speaker, a little puppet would light up next to that speaker. Then the audiologist would flash a light to get Noah to turn back toward the front of the room before she projected a different sound. I had my hearing aids in, and Noah didn't. I was shocked at the number of sounds I could hear at a seemingly "normal" volume, but Noah kept looking at the light in the front of the room, oblivious to the sound.
That test made me really, really sad. My heart sank with every missed sound. He may "just" have a mild/moderate hearing loss, but he is missing a LOT without his hearing aids.
Sitting in that booth with my baby brought back some feelings of inadequacy from my own childhood. I have a moderate/severe hearing loss, that dips into the profound range at high frequencies. By and large, I really wouldn't say it was a big part of my childhood. My mom fought hard for us to grow up with a sense of normalcy, and I really only felt different when I had to take my hearing aids out in the pool and couldn't hear my friends. (But Noah's hearing aids are waterproof! Yay for technological advances!) Anyway, for as long as I can remember, I have always erred on the side of being a very performance-driven person, and sitting in those sound booths as a kid was stressful for me.
I always had wonderful audiologists, and the best parents. But the fact of the matter is, you walk into that booth knowing you're about to fail a test, and everyone outside the booth knows it, too. The audiologist says words to you and expects you to repeat them, but you don't have hearing aids in and you can't lipread and suddenly, it's all a foreign language. So you repeat words, almost certain they're not the RIGHT words. Then they play sounds at different frequencies and volumes and ask you to push a button when you hear a sound. I so desperately want to hear the sound (even to this day) and I'm straining so hard to hear ANYthing, that I'm pretty sure sometimes I just hear sounds in my head and push the button when there's nothing to actually hear! That booth can make a person crazy.
Sitting there with my baby, who has a lifetime of sound booths ahead of him, was harder than I expected. I'm so ashamed I haven't been taking his hearing loss seriously. I'm so sad about what he's already missed. I feel so negligent for not getting him new ear molds before the other ones were ridiculously small. I'm ashamed that sometimes I forget to check the battery before putting my kid's hearing aid in. I'm sad that sometimes his hearing aids are ringing in his ears and it's too high pitched for me to hear and then my husband comes home and tells me, and all I hear is, "you're a terrible mom." (Of course he is NOT saying that, but that's what it feels like sometimes.) It's a lot of pressure, this motherhood gig.
I never let myself think of hearing impairment as a possibility while I was pregnant. Of course, the odds are NOT in my kid's favor. Hearing loss is a dominant gene in my family, with roughly a 60-75% rate of occurrence. Yet... I'm not sure if it was denial or common sense, but for once in my life I told myself there was no use worrying about something that may or may not happen. But it happened. And it's taken me 9 months to start coming to terms with that.
When Noah got his hearing aids around three months of age, the audiologist sent us home with instructions to wear them all of the time when he was awake. So the first day, we did.
He was MISERABLE. I was miserable. He was so, so fussy that day and refused to nap. I was afraid that he was overstimulated all of the sudden, and that hearing all the sounds all at once was really overwhelming. After a horrible day, we took a break for a few days. (When his fussiness didn't subside, we finally figured out it was reflux, but that's a different story for a different day.)
So after that terrible introduction, I was hesitant to have his wear the aids all the time. I mean, he couldn't even hold his head up for long periods of time yet, and hearing aid microphones feedback just like normal microphones when they get too close to something. So of course I didn't want him laying on one ear, or sitting in a carseat with the aids in, or anything like that.
There was finally a golden period where he could sit up and wear his hearing aids for a longer period of time, but that ended once he learned how to pull them out of his ears. So to make a long story short, I probably haven't had him wear them as much as he should. There is always an excuse.
Ironically, I felt like I was being nicer to him by not making him wear them 24/7. I was also lulled into a false sense of complacency by the fact that Noah's hearing appeared to be better than that of my youngest brother, who has hearing aids but doesn't always need to wear them. I mean, it's usually just Noah and me hanging out in a quiet house, and he always seems to respond to noises and voices...
But last week, I got to go into the sound booth for Noah's first Visual Reinforcement Audiometry (VRA) Test and hold him on my lap while the audiologist projected sounds at different volumes and frequencies from different speakers around the room. When Noah heard a sound and turned toward the corresponding speaker, a little puppet would light up next to that speaker. Then the audiologist would flash a light to get Noah to turn back toward the front of the room before she projected a different sound. I had my hearing aids in, and Noah didn't. I was shocked at the number of sounds I could hear at a seemingly "normal" volume, but Noah kept looking at the light in the front of the room, oblivious to the sound.
That test made me really, really sad. My heart sank with every missed sound. He may "just" have a mild/moderate hearing loss, but he is missing a LOT without his hearing aids.
Sitting in that booth with my baby brought back some feelings of inadequacy from my own childhood. I have a moderate/severe hearing loss, that dips into the profound range at high frequencies. By and large, I really wouldn't say it was a big part of my childhood. My mom fought hard for us to grow up with a sense of normalcy, and I really only felt different when I had to take my hearing aids out in the pool and couldn't hear my friends. (But Noah's hearing aids are waterproof! Yay for technological advances!) Anyway, for as long as I can remember, I have always erred on the side of being a very performance-driven person, and sitting in those sound booths as a kid was stressful for me.
I always had wonderful audiologists, and the best parents. But the fact of the matter is, you walk into that booth knowing you're about to fail a test, and everyone outside the booth knows it, too. The audiologist says words to you and expects you to repeat them, but you don't have hearing aids in and you can't lipread and suddenly, it's all a foreign language. So you repeat words, almost certain they're not the RIGHT words. Then they play sounds at different frequencies and volumes and ask you to push a button when you hear a sound. I so desperately want to hear the sound (even to this day) and I'm straining so hard to hear ANYthing, that I'm pretty sure sometimes I just hear sounds in my head and push the button when there's nothing to actually hear! That booth can make a person crazy.
Sitting there with my baby, who has a lifetime of sound booths ahead of him, was harder than I expected. I'm so ashamed I haven't been taking his hearing loss seriously. I'm so sad about what he's already missed. I feel so negligent for not getting him new ear molds before the other ones were ridiculously small. I'm ashamed that sometimes I forget to check the battery before putting my kid's hearing aid in. I'm sad that sometimes his hearing aids are ringing in his ears and it's too high pitched for me to hear and then my husband comes home and tells me, and all I hear is, "you're a terrible mom." (Of course he is NOT saying that, but that's what it feels like sometimes.) It's a lot of pressure, this motherhood gig.
I never let myself think of hearing impairment as a possibility while I was pregnant. Of course, the odds are NOT in my kid's favor. Hearing loss is a dominant gene in my family, with roughly a 60-75% rate of occurrence. Yet... I'm not sure if it was denial or common sense, but for once in my life I told myself there was no use worrying about something that may or may not happen. But it happened. And it's taken me 9 months to start coming to terms with that.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Hearing and Loss: Part 1
Noah failed his first hearing test in the hospital. Depending on the method and the equipment, it's not necessarily uncommon to need to repeat the first test. Fluid in the ears, fussy baby, what have you. No big deal.
Then he failed the second test, right before we were discharged from the hospital. My mom was there, and she cried. So that made me cry. But really, I was so submerged in the postpartum haze, all I had the capacity to think about was keeping my baby fed and warm.
We had an official ABR with an audiologist a few weeks after Noah was born. They were able to fully test the left ear before he got too fussy to continue, but so far he was indeed hearing impaired. So a week later, we paid another co-pay to get the right ear tested, found out that the right ear was the same as the left ear, and ordered hearing aids then and there. By the time we got home with our sweet baby after that appointment, I was mostly worried about where the heck the money was going to come from, and a little bitter that my friends didn't have these healthcare costs.
Those first few weeks, I was consumed with postpartum pain and anxiety and thrush and a colicky baby who wasn't gaining enough weight. It took a few days after receiving the diagnosis for the reality of hearing impairment to start to sink in: My baby isn't perfect. He isn't going to be the same as his peers. He is going to have more hurdles and more expenses for the rest of his life. It's just not fair.
The NICU nurse in me takes a step outside my own bubble and thinks of all the horrific, awful, sad things she's seen and knows in an instant that hearing impairment is pretty darn low on the he's just a baby and it's not fair spectrum.
But you know what? In my world, in my life, it's still sad. It's a deviation from normal. It's a loss of its own kind. Even though hearing impairment has a heavy hand in my family's gene pool, even though I myself grew up with hearing loss, I was somehow still surprised and sad when I learned I'd officially passed it on to my son. I felt like I'd failed. Like I given him my biggest weakness... the one thing you don't want your kids to inherit.
I had the healthiest darn pregnancy, and I don't take a minute of that for granted. I took the vitamins, I went to the checkups, I ate less dessert, I worked out. At the end of the day, while I liked to think that I could control the outcome, I couldn't. I had a wonderful pregnancy and delivery, and a beautiful, perfect baby for a few days until someone told me that my baby was flawed and abnormal because he couldn't hear well without help. Is that dramatic? Sure. Is it how I felt? Absolutely.
So we ordered the hearing aids and I finally cried. There are so many options now compared to when I was a kid: colors, neon, sparkles... but I wanted the most neutral color for Noah. I cried because, what if people stopped looking at his big blue eyes and his gummy smile, and all they saw was the plastic in his ears? I wanted the hearing aids to be invisible as possible. I didn't want people to think my son was "special." (Why am I so afraid of that? How would I feel if he did start to display a mental handicap down the line? That's a whole different issue I'm trying to sort through, because I am starting to see that I fear the abnormal and unknown much more than I thought.)
Around Noah's three month birthday, we went to the audiologist for the hearing aid fitting and it was just the sweetest thing when we put them in for the first time. Noah was babbling in Ross' lap, but when the hearing aids turned on, he fell silent and grew wide-eyed, taking it all in. He slowly looked at us, and got the sweetest smile on his face when we started talking to him in quiet voices. I totally teared up. Then he looked around and found the air vent on the ceiling that was humming-- he could hear it now!
I couldn't help but admit that this was very obviously the best thing for him, but that doesn't mean that, nine months after his diagnosis, I'm not still struggling with it.
Then he failed the second test, right before we were discharged from the hospital. My mom was there, and she cried. So that made me cry. But really, I was so submerged in the postpartum haze, all I had the capacity to think about was keeping my baby fed and warm.
We had an official ABR with an audiologist a few weeks after Noah was born. They were able to fully test the left ear before he got too fussy to continue, but so far he was indeed hearing impaired. So a week later, we paid another co-pay to get the right ear tested, found out that the right ear was the same as the left ear, and ordered hearing aids then and there. By the time we got home with our sweet baby after that appointment, I was mostly worried about where the heck the money was going to come from, and a little bitter that my friends didn't have these healthcare costs.
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| tiny baby sleeping during his first ABR |
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| second ABR and making his ear mold impressions |
The NICU nurse in me takes a step outside my own bubble and thinks of all the horrific, awful, sad things she's seen and knows in an instant that hearing impairment is pretty darn low on the he's just a baby and it's not fair spectrum.
But you know what? In my world, in my life, it's still sad. It's a deviation from normal. It's a loss of its own kind. Even though hearing impairment has a heavy hand in my family's gene pool, even though I myself grew up with hearing loss, I was somehow still surprised and sad when I learned I'd officially passed it on to my son. I felt like I'd failed. Like I given him my biggest weakness... the one thing you don't want your kids to inherit.
I had the healthiest darn pregnancy, and I don't take a minute of that for granted. I took the vitamins, I went to the checkups, I ate less dessert, I worked out. At the end of the day, while I liked to think that I could control the outcome, I couldn't. I had a wonderful pregnancy and delivery, and a beautiful, perfect baby for a few days until someone told me that my baby was flawed and abnormal because he couldn't hear well without help. Is that dramatic? Sure. Is it how I felt? Absolutely.
So we ordered the hearing aids and I finally cried. There are so many options now compared to when I was a kid: colors, neon, sparkles... but I wanted the most neutral color for Noah. I cried because, what if people stopped looking at his big blue eyes and his gummy smile, and all they saw was the plastic in his ears? I wanted the hearing aids to be invisible as possible. I didn't want people to think my son was "special." (Why am I so afraid of that? How would I feel if he did start to display a mental handicap down the line? That's a whole different issue I'm trying to sort through, because I am starting to see that I fear the abnormal and unknown much more than I thought.)
 |
| 4 months old in hearing aids |
I couldn't help but admit that this was very obviously the best thing for him, but that doesn't mean that, nine months after his diagnosis, I'm not still struggling with it.
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Mr. Sunshine
I feel like we left town with a baby, and came back with a little boy who has crazy HAIR all of the sudden, can eat pouches of baby food by himself, can down a breakfast buffet, can suck food off the table when his hands aren't working fast enough, finally started gaining some chub back after having the flu, laughs in anticipation of enjoyable things, throws a mini-tantrum when he doesn't get his way, is now in control of his facial expressions and loves to mimic people, really interacts with others, reaches for mom and dad, army crawls to explore everything, pulls up on things, climbs (loves climbing into his carseat and over people), speaks in baby babble sentences with vowels and consonants, and generally loves life. Cannot believe he's 8 months old!
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Pull-ups
34 weeks on the inside//34 weeks on the outside
We took advantage of the January thaw today to walk to a nearby park, and Noah found out that he can pull to standing on this playground toy! I think he surprised himself. And me. Where did my tiny baby go!?
Although I do have to say, this is a really fun age. Babbling all day long, imitating faces and actions, reaching for me, exploring different foods, having clear preferences for certain toys (like green alligators), rolling like a maniac, army crawling/scooting, looking so proud when he learns something new, and melting my heart on a daily basis. Gosh I love this little monkey!
Monday, January 19, 2015
A Day of Life with a 7 Month Old
A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about resting while I had the chance. I don't regret a second of it! Life has been full speed ahead since Christmas. I had hospital orientation the first week of January, then we all got influenza, and this past weekend I worked all weekend orienting to my new unit.
In the meantime, Noah has NOT been napping. Honestly, it's so small in the scheme of things, but I can't help but feel like I'm letting him down when he doesn't sleep well. In the 7.5 months that Noah has been here, I'd say we've had a total of 1.5 months of textbook naps (at this point that means two naps a day, for a total of 2-4 hours of daytime sleep).
Last week, I spent entire days struggling to get one 45 minute nap in (thankfully we had a bit of a thaw and Noah did get a good stroller nap!). This kid needs sleep, but he has SUCH a hard time shutting down! He's always GO GO GO TALK TALK TALK WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE. I LOVE it overall, but I wish I knew how to get him to turn it off. He needs rest, and I feel like it's up to me to coax him into it, but I cannot figure him out! I read all the books. I've tried all the tricks. Honestly, I think self-soothing is a developmental milestone that he hasn't reached because he's too busy with anything and everything else.
That being said, here's a fairly typical day for us since we're all still recovering from Influenza A: clear the schedule and get the kid to sleep at all costs!
0110: Noah wakes up. I get him and see that he threw up the avocado he ate for dinner. I change his sleep sack and feed him while Ross changes his sheets. Poor buddy!
0140: Ross puts Noah back in his crib and we all go back to sleep.
0430: Noah is up. I feed him.
0450: Ross takes a very wiggly baby back to his crib again. He doesn't fuss, but he also does NOT fall back asleep.
0530: Noah starts crying, so I feed him again thinking maybe it'll make him drowsy. Note to self: it never does!
0550: I put Noah back in his crib, where he proceeds to babble, whine, and practice balancing on all fours.
0630: He's obviously not falling back asleep. Ross gets him out of his room.
0700: I turn on the solar lamp in the kitchen to wake us all up and feed Noah some big kid food for breakfast-- strawberry applesauce with oatmeal. Yum!
0730: Play play play. This kid is on the move! He can scoot backwards, roll everywhere, and army crawl. Be still my heart :-)
0800: I dress and swaddle Noah, and then feed him. He's slowing down, so I'm hoping he will fall asleep after eating. Lay him in his crib "drowsy but awake" like all the books and well-meaning friends say to. He proceeds to whine, wiggle, and fuss for 45 minutes.
0900: I take him out of his crib and we play some more.
1000: Try to get him to nap again. Come up with some convoluted combination of rocking, feeding, listening to Gregorian chants, and putting a vibrating disc from the Rock 'n' Play on Noah's back. Whatever the magic is, it produces heavy eyelids which I haven't seen in ages! He also lets me give him the pacifier, which he rejects 99.5% of the time.
1020: Noah falls asleep in my arms (this NEVER happens). I hold him for 20 more minutes until he stops wiggling, and my arm goes numb.
1045: Successful transfer to the crib!
1100: I eat lunch. I'm famished! Also move laundry and do PT exercises.
1200: Marvel that Noah is still asleep. Watch an episode of the Mindy Project.
1245: Holy crap. If I'd know this was going to be a legit nap, I would've started on my to-do list right away! Feel like it's too late now. Move laundry again. Eat a bowl of cereal. Pick up the book I'm reading.
1315: Noah is up. I feed him.
1430: Give Noah some pureed green beans. He's happy to be eating solids after stopping for a week when he was so sick!
1445: Nurse him again in hopes of another nap.
1520: Rock him again. He just takes a 15 minute catnap in my arms this time.
1600: Play inside, and then outside for a bit. Noah isn't so sure about the wind and the bright sun!
1710: Baby bath, aka water aerobics. Took this picture in the 0.5 seconds it felt safe to not have my hands on this wild monkey, lest he submerge himself!
1730: Nurse
1800: Rock a very overtired baby until Ross comes home and takes over.
1900: Baby is asleep! I eat dinner, shower, and pump.
2020: Ross and I are in bed, exhausted. We watch an episode of Downton Abbey before going to bed.
2100: Lights out!
2240: Noah is awake. Feed him. We all go back to sleep until 0230 when it starts all over again...
In the meantime, Noah has NOT been napping. Honestly, it's so small in the scheme of things, but I can't help but feel like I'm letting him down when he doesn't sleep well. In the 7.5 months that Noah has been here, I'd say we've had a total of 1.5 months of textbook naps (at this point that means two naps a day, for a total of 2-4 hours of daytime sleep).
Last week, I spent entire days struggling to get one 45 minute nap in (thankfully we had a bit of a thaw and Noah did get a good stroller nap!). This kid needs sleep, but he has SUCH a hard time shutting down! He's always GO GO GO TALK TALK TALK WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE. I LOVE it overall, but I wish I knew how to get him to turn it off. He needs rest, and I feel like it's up to me to coax him into it, but I cannot figure him out! I read all the books. I've tried all the tricks. Honestly, I think self-soothing is a developmental milestone that he hasn't reached because he's too busy with anything and everything else.
That being said, here's a fairly typical day for us since we're all still recovering from Influenza A: clear the schedule and get the kid to sleep at all costs!
0110: Noah wakes up. I get him and see that he threw up the avocado he ate for dinner. I change his sleep sack and feed him while Ross changes his sheets. Poor buddy!
0140: Ross puts Noah back in his crib and we all go back to sleep.
0430: Noah is up. I feed him.
0450: Ross takes a very wiggly baby back to his crib again. He doesn't fuss, but he also does NOT fall back asleep.
0530: Noah starts crying, so I feed him again thinking maybe it'll make him drowsy. Note to self: it never does!
0550: I put Noah back in his crib, where he proceeds to babble, whine, and practice balancing on all fours.
0630: He's obviously not falling back asleep. Ross gets him out of his room.
0700: I turn on the solar lamp in the kitchen to wake us all up and feed Noah some big kid food for breakfast-- strawberry applesauce with oatmeal. Yum!
0730: Play play play. This kid is on the move! He can scoot backwards, roll everywhere, and army crawl. Be still my heart :-)
0800: I dress and swaddle Noah, and then feed him. He's slowing down, so I'm hoping he will fall asleep after eating. Lay him in his crib "drowsy but awake" like all the books and well-meaning friends say to. He proceeds to whine, wiggle, and fuss for 45 minutes.
0900: I take him out of his crib and we play some more.
1000: Try to get him to nap again. Come up with some convoluted combination of rocking, feeding, listening to Gregorian chants, and putting a vibrating disc from the Rock 'n' Play on Noah's back. Whatever the magic is, it produces heavy eyelids which I haven't seen in ages! He also lets me give him the pacifier, which he rejects 99.5% of the time.
1020: Noah falls asleep in my arms (this NEVER happens). I hold him for 20 more minutes until he stops wiggling, and my arm goes numb.
1045: Successful transfer to the crib!
1100: I eat lunch. I'm famished! Also move laundry and do PT exercises.
1200: Marvel that Noah is still asleep. Watch an episode of the Mindy Project.
1245: Holy crap. If I'd know this was going to be a legit nap, I would've started on my to-do list right away! Feel like it's too late now. Move laundry again. Eat a bowl of cereal. Pick up the book I'm reading.
1315: Noah is up. I feed him.
1430: Give Noah some pureed green beans. He's happy to be eating solids after stopping for a week when he was so sick!
1445: Nurse him again in hopes of another nap.
1520: Rock him again. He just takes a 15 minute catnap in my arms this time.
1600: Play inside, and then outside for a bit. Noah isn't so sure about the wind and the bright sun!
1710: Baby bath, aka water aerobics. Took this picture in the 0.5 seconds it felt safe to not have my hands on this wild monkey, lest he submerge himself!
1730: Nurse
1800: Rock a very overtired baby until Ross comes home and takes over.
1900: Baby is asleep! I eat dinner, shower, and pump.
2020: Ross and I are in bed, exhausted. We watch an episode of Downton Abbey before going to bed.
2100: Lights out!
2240: Noah is awake. Feed him. We all go back to sleep until 0230 when it starts all over again...
Friday, January 9, 2015
Influenza A
That moment when the flu has spread and you realize just how awful your sweet baby has been feeling. Poor buddy! So thankful for modern medicine offering at least some limited relief for him.
Friday, October 17, 2014
A Day of Life with a 4 Month Old
Yesterday, Noah learned to roll from back to front! He's done it once or twice before on accident, but yesterday it really clicked. As he kept repeating his new trick, I realized my days with an immobile baby are limited! I wanted to do a post like this ages ago, but honestly pre-Zantac all of my energy went into trying to get Noah to stop crying and sleep.
That's not to say that every day is rainbows and butterflies now, but honestly the majority of our day is quite happy. This little guy is a joy to be around. Earlier this week, I was at the park with a friend who hadn't seen me since the Day Before Zantac. (AKA Noah cried all day, I cried all day, I finally had to lay him in the crib and walk away for an hour because I couldn't handle it, and he cried the whole time.) My friend said my whole countenance is different now, and I agree. I'm a much more patient mom now that my baby and my lower back aren't screaming at me all day long. Thank God for modern medicine!
Anyway, here's a much lower-stress day in our lives now. I'm so thankful that I get to spend most of the week at home with him. He's the cutest boss!
[Note: Just because I note multiple "events" an hour, don't think I'm trying to make myself sound busier than I am. Chill days like this are an absolute delight and they allow both of us to settle into a rhythm and find a good "normal" for us. I can think of 1,000 scenarios that are more hectic than this one, which is why I'm so thankful for today!]
0110: Noah is awake. Ross brings him to the bedroom and I feed him.
0145: Noah is done eating. The past week or two, he has been good about falling right back to sleep after his middle of the night feeding. But tonight, it's clear that isn't going to be the case. He's not fussy, but he's most definitely awake. Ross finally goes to the nursery to rock him while I eat a Larabar and chug some water.
0210: Noah is asleep. Ross and I aren't far behind.
0501: (seriously, this kid's internal clock for the 5 o'clock hour is astounding) Noah is awake again. Ross brings him to the bedroom and I give him his Zantac and feed him.
0530: Ross gets ready to go for a run with a neighbor. Noah is still eating.
0600: Noah's done eating, but he's WIDE awake.
0630: More often than not, he goes back to sleep by 6:30 or 7 and sleeps until 8:30, but that's not happening. He's all riled up and happy-shouting and smiling and babbling.
0700: I give up trying to quiet him down, and get up and change his diaper. Ross leaves for work and I put Noah down on his playmat while I get dressed and make oatmeal for myself.
0705: We almost never leave the house when it's dark, but I realize I'm out of coffee and I have a Groupon for my favorite coffee shop 20 minutes away. I bundle Noah up and head out to get caffeine for me, but also in hopes that Noah will fall asleep in the car.
0745: Noah puts up a valiant fight and stays wide-eyed until we turn onto our street on the way home! I miraculously transfer him into the house in his carseat and he stays asleep. I put the carseat on the floor of our bedroom because the trashmen are super loud from his bedroom on Friday mornings.
0800: I slip back into bed, hoping to catch a short nap.
0830: Noah is awake and he wakes me up from my 15 minute catnap, too.
0840: Feed Noah.
0915: Change his diaper (which was dangerously close to a blowout) and get him dressed.
0930: I put Noah on his playmat in the kitchen while I start this post and eat my gluten-free brownie from the coffee shop. I also take my vitamin and probiotic to balance it out :-)
0945: I watch him play while I pump. He's practicing rolling the other way! I wonder what makes their little brain decide to just do these things one day seemingly out of the blue.
1000: I waited a little too long for naptime, and Noah starts to fuss. We hightail it to the nursery where I put him in his sleepsuit and start rocking.
1015: He put up a decent fight, but sleep won in the end. And this fussing is NOTHING compared to months 2-4 when he would scream for about 45 minutes before finally taking a 20 minute nap. Poor guy!
1030: I drink about 1/3 of my coconut milk cafe au lait from this morning after debating taking a nap as well, and deciding I will try to take one this afternoon instead.
1040: I do a quick 18 minute Piyo workout.
1100: Pretty much right on cue, Noah wakes up. I rush to the nursery to rock him back to sleep before he gets too riled up. He's definitely still tired and I really try to get him to take at least one nap a day that's more than an hour long, even though he almost always wakes up 45 minutes after laying down. He falls asleep quickly, but I rock him for a few more minutes until I feel like it's safe to put him back down.
1115: I quietly warm up some leftover fajita filling to eat alongside corn chips, carrot sticks, and guacamole for lunch.
1140: Do my deep breathing and a few Physical Therapy exercises while I scroll through Instagram and wait for Noah to wake up again. I love and hate that our house is so tiny, you can't do anything remotely noisy during naptime.
1207: Baby's awake!
1210-1240: Feed and burp Noah.
1250: Clean diaper and playtime! I set Noah down on his playmat to kick around and I talk to him while I unload the dishwasher and quickly make a batch of pumpkin chocolate chip bars.
1315: Hearing aid time! I make sure he's upright so he doesn't get feedback ringing in his ears, and we sing songs, read a book, and play patty cake. The minute he becomes disinterested, I take them out. The goal is to only have positive associations with his hearing aids!
1335: Move toward nap.
1355: He's asleep!
1400: I eat a pumpkin bar and applesauce for a snack.
1425: I lay down in hopes of a nap.
1430: Baby wakes up instead, and this time he won't be rocked back to sleep. Should've taken advantage of the morning nap!
1440: Spend 40 minutes feeding a fussy, overtired, squirmy baby and wonder if he's actually eating anything or just wiggling. Then he spits up in my hair and I figure he must've eaten something.
1520: Eat another pumpkin bar + some salt and pepper potato chips (darn you for buying these, Ross!) Play with Noah on the floor for a while.
1545: Change diaper. Go on a 1 hour walk. Noah probably sleeps for 40 minutes of it. He's so tired today.
1700: Put pork loin in the oven for dinner.
1715: Wait for Dad and greet him with a smile when he comes home!
1740: Noah gets a 20 minute bath. He splashes and shouts much less than usual. So tired today!
1800: Give Noah his Zantac and feed him for hopefully the last time today. [We've been putting him down after this feeding and doing a "dream feed" around 9:30-10pm for a week or two, but the last few days we'd wake him out of a good sleep to eat and he was so fussy, barely ate anything, and took an hour to settle back down. So last night we just let him sleep and he slept until 1am. He used to eat at 10pm and then again at 2-3am and 5-6am, so we essentially dropped a feeding in the hopes of all of us getting a tad more sleep*. We kept pushing him, hoping he'd give us that long stretch from like 10pm-5am like adults sleep. Alas, he has not taken that opportunity. So if he's going to get his long stretch earlier in the night, I guess we need to, too :-/ ]
1830: Ross rocks Noah to sleep while I finish up with dinner and take a shower.
1900: I eat dinner with Ross. Nothing fancy: pork and roasted sweet potatoes.
1945: Do physical therapy exercises, talk with Ross, go over our budget.
2030: Pump.
2115: Grownups in bed, lights out!
I cannot believe I just wrote our entire day out in such mundane detail. Today was actually a fairly indulgent day, to boot, since we didn't have any errands to run or appointments to be at or night shift to prepare for. It feels silly to document this, but I already wonder what the heck my days look liked at 2 months (I do know this: a very tired blur).
I know it'll be fun to look back at our happy days at 4 months. And when I'm tempted to feed like all we do is eat, play, and sleep (well, some of us sleep more than others haha) I remember: "It's never mundane to them. Not to their brains which measures your mundane as safety, as meeting their needs, helping their brain literally explode in connections. Relish the "mundane" because to them it's the essence of life and the building block of a future." And really, these tiny, everyday moments are what I'm going to want to remember most about this blur of new baby-hood and new parent-hood.
One of my friends recently posted a picture of her smiling baby on Facebook and basically said, "I didn't get anything done today because this guy started smiling!" One of her friends responded, "Getting nothing done? You just helped create hundreds of new brain connections, decreased his cortisol levels so his brain develops in a calm environment, and helped him begin to trust that God loves him unconditionally because he's seen that in his mama's eyes. In fact, come to think of it, you deserve a nap!" I love that. And I love this job. And I love my sweet little family.
*Edited to add: Noah slept from 1900 to 0400 that night!!!! That's the longest he's EVER slept. I woke up about every 90 minutes to look at him on the video monitor, but almost always fell right back asleep after I saw him breathing, which means I got about 6 hours of more-or-less uninterrupted sleep. Yay! I think he's coming off of a major growth spurt and more tired than normal. (I always know it's a growth spurt because I am ravenous and super thirsty. And craving chocolate cake. Seriously.)
That's not to say that every day is rainbows and butterflies now, but honestly the majority of our day is quite happy. This little guy is a joy to be around. Earlier this week, I was at the park with a friend who hadn't seen me since the Day Before Zantac. (AKA Noah cried all day, I cried all day, I finally had to lay him in the crib and walk away for an hour because I couldn't handle it, and he cried the whole time.) My friend said my whole countenance is different now, and I agree. I'm a much more patient mom now that my baby and my lower back aren't screaming at me all day long. Thank God for modern medicine!
Anyway, here's a much lower-stress day in our lives now. I'm so thankful that I get to spend most of the week at home with him. He's the cutest boss!
[Note: Just because I note multiple "events" an hour, don't think I'm trying to make myself sound busier than I am. Chill days like this are an absolute delight and they allow both of us to settle into a rhythm and find a good "normal" for us. I can think of 1,000 scenarios that are more hectic than this one, which is why I'm so thankful for today!]
0110: Noah is awake. Ross brings him to the bedroom and I feed him.
0145: Noah is done eating. The past week or two, he has been good about falling right back to sleep after his middle of the night feeding. But tonight, it's clear that isn't going to be the case. He's not fussy, but he's most definitely awake. Ross finally goes to the nursery to rock him while I eat a Larabar and chug some water.
0210: Noah is asleep. Ross and I aren't far behind.
0501: (seriously, this kid's internal clock for the 5 o'clock hour is astounding) Noah is awake again. Ross brings him to the bedroom and I give him his Zantac and feed him.
0530: Ross gets ready to go for a run with a neighbor. Noah is still eating.
0600: Noah's done eating, but he's WIDE awake.
0630: More often than not, he goes back to sleep by 6:30 or 7 and sleeps until 8:30, but that's not happening. He's all riled up and happy-shouting and smiling and babbling.
0700: I give up trying to quiet him down, and get up and change his diaper. Ross leaves for work and I put Noah down on his playmat while I get dressed and make oatmeal for myself.
0705: We almost never leave the house when it's dark, but I realize I'm out of coffee and I have a Groupon for my favorite coffee shop 20 minutes away. I bundle Noah up and head out to get caffeine for me, but also in hopes that Noah will fall asleep in the car.
0745: Noah puts up a valiant fight and stays wide-eyed until we turn onto our street on the way home! I miraculously transfer him into the house in his carseat and he stays asleep. I put the carseat on the floor of our bedroom because the trashmen are super loud from his bedroom on Friday mornings.
0800: I slip back into bed, hoping to catch a short nap.
0830: Noah is awake and he wakes me up from my 15 minute catnap, too.
0840: Feed Noah.
0915: Change his diaper (which was dangerously close to a blowout) and get him dressed.
0930: I put Noah on his playmat in the kitchen while I start this post and eat my gluten-free brownie from the coffee shop. I also take my vitamin and probiotic to balance it out :-)
0945: I watch him play while I pump. He's practicing rolling the other way! I wonder what makes their little brain decide to just do these things one day seemingly out of the blue.
1000: I waited a little too long for naptime, and Noah starts to fuss. We hightail it to the nursery where I put him in his sleepsuit and start rocking.
1015: He put up a decent fight, but sleep won in the end. And this fussing is NOTHING compared to months 2-4 when he would scream for about 45 minutes before finally taking a 20 minute nap. Poor guy!
1030: I drink about 1/3 of my coconut milk cafe au lait from this morning after debating taking a nap as well, and deciding I will try to take one this afternoon instead.
1040: I do a quick 18 minute Piyo workout.
1100: Pretty much right on cue, Noah wakes up. I rush to the nursery to rock him back to sleep before he gets too riled up. He's definitely still tired and I really try to get him to take at least one nap a day that's more than an hour long, even though he almost always wakes up 45 minutes after laying down. He falls asleep quickly, but I rock him for a few more minutes until I feel like it's safe to put him back down.
1115: I quietly warm up some leftover fajita filling to eat alongside corn chips, carrot sticks, and guacamole for lunch.
1140: Do my deep breathing and a few Physical Therapy exercises while I scroll through Instagram and wait for Noah to wake up again. I love and hate that our house is so tiny, you can't do anything remotely noisy during naptime.
1207: Baby's awake!
1210-1240: Feed and burp Noah.
1250: Clean diaper and playtime! I set Noah down on his playmat to kick around and I talk to him while I unload the dishwasher and quickly make a batch of pumpkin chocolate chip bars.
1315: Hearing aid time! I make sure he's upright so he doesn't get feedback ringing in his ears, and we sing songs, read a book, and play patty cake. The minute he becomes disinterested, I take them out. The goal is to only have positive associations with his hearing aids!
1335: Move toward nap.
1355: He's asleep!
1400: I eat a pumpkin bar and applesauce for a snack.
1425: I lay down in hopes of a nap.
1430: Baby wakes up instead, and this time he won't be rocked back to sleep. Should've taken advantage of the morning nap!
1440: Spend 40 minutes feeding a fussy, overtired, squirmy baby and wonder if he's actually eating anything or just wiggling. Then he spits up in my hair and I figure he must've eaten something.
1520: Eat another pumpkin bar + some salt and pepper potato chips (darn you for buying these, Ross!) Play with Noah on the floor for a while.
1545: Change diaper. Go on a 1 hour walk. Noah probably sleeps for 40 minutes of it. He's so tired today.
1700: Put pork loin in the oven for dinner.
1715: Wait for Dad and greet him with a smile when he comes home!
1740: Noah gets a 20 minute bath. He splashes and shouts much less than usual. So tired today!
1800: Give Noah his Zantac and feed him for hopefully the last time today. [We've been putting him down after this feeding and doing a "dream feed" around 9:30-10pm for a week or two, but the last few days we'd wake him out of a good sleep to eat and he was so fussy, barely ate anything, and took an hour to settle back down. So last night we just let him sleep and he slept until 1am. He used to eat at 10pm and then again at 2-3am and 5-6am, so we essentially dropped a feeding in the hopes of all of us getting a tad more sleep*. We kept pushing him, hoping he'd give us that long stretch from like 10pm-5am like adults sleep. Alas, he has not taken that opportunity. So if he's going to get his long stretch earlier in the night, I guess we need to, too :-/ ]
1830: Ross rocks Noah to sleep while I finish up with dinner and take a shower.
1900: I eat dinner with Ross. Nothing fancy: pork and roasted sweet potatoes.
1945: Do physical therapy exercises, talk with Ross, go over our budget.
2030: Pump.
2115: Grownups in bed, lights out!
I cannot believe I just wrote our entire day out in such mundane detail. Today was actually a fairly indulgent day, to boot, since we didn't have any errands to run or appointments to be at or night shift to prepare for. It feels silly to document this, but I already wonder what the heck my days look liked at 2 months (I do know this: a very tired blur).
I know it'll be fun to look back at our happy days at 4 months. And when I'm tempted to feed like all we do is eat, play, and sleep (well, some of us sleep more than others haha) I remember: "It's never mundane to them. Not to their brains which measures your mundane as safety, as meeting their needs, helping their brain literally explode in connections. Relish the "mundane" because to them it's the essence of life and the building block of a future." And really, these tiny, everyday moments are what I'm going to want to remember most about this blur of new baby-hood and new parent-hood.
One of my friends recently posted a picture of her smiling baby on Facebook and basically said, "I didn't get anything done today because this guy started smiling!" One of her friends responded, "Getting nothing done? You just helped create hundreds of new brain connections, decreased his cortisol levels so his brain develops in a calm environment, and helped him begin to trust that God loves him unconditionally because he's seen that in his mama's eyes. In fact, come to think of it, you deserve a nap!" I love that. And I love this job. And I love my sweet little family.
*Edited to add: Noah slept from 1900 to 0400 that night!!!! That's the longest he's EVER slept. I woke up about every 90 minutes to look at him on the video monitor, but almost always fell right back asleep after I saw him breathing, which means I got about 6 hours of more-or-less uninterrupted sleep. Yay! I think he's coming off of a major growth spurt and more tired than normal. (I always know it's a growth spurt because I am ravenous and super thirsty. And craving chocolate cake. Seriously.)
Thursday, October 9, 2014
What I Really Want to Say
Natalie Goldberg says that simply writing the words, "What I really want to say," will spark some good writing. I have a lot I've been wanting to say, but I'm not sure where to start, so I'll try this.
What I really want to say is:
-I can't believe Noah is 4 months old. I know it's the oldest cliche in the book; but sometimes I look down at his little face and see glimpses of a boy, and not just a baby! Honestly, it does make me a little sad. Postpartum recovery was rough for me for some reason, and I've been in a lot of pain. I feel like I finally started to emerge from the haze of discomfort only to find my baby isn't a baby! I can already be nostalgic about when he used to wear that tiny outfit, or when he used to fit just here.
That being said, it's an absolute delight to watch him grown and develop! I am so used to babies perpetually staying babies at work and it's so new to me to have a one learning new tricks every day. The pediatrician actually said he's doing a few 6 month things like standing and bearing most of his weight on his legs, and doing the skydiver move when he's on his belly. It's pretty funny to watch, and it's crazy that some mornings he'll just wake up and start doing something he's never done before, like it's no big deal!
-Noah started Zantac a few weeks ago and it's amazing what a difference it's made! It makes me a little sad we didn't start it sooner. I feel like a lot of those infuriating, sleepless days could've been avoided! I feel so bad that when I was tired and irritated, he was just trying to say he was in pain! Better late than never, I guess, and we're happy to have our smiley baby back. Still working on naps, but at least he doesn't wake himself up crying now!
-I have always been a homebody, but having a baby brought that to a whole new level and I'm fairly restless some days. It finally doesn't give me complete anxiety to leave the house, but I'm still particular about doing it during his awake times, and not wanting to feed him in public (we're just not coordinated enough for that). I knew intellectually that having a baby would change everything, but I will admit I'm still adjusting to some of those changes. I wouldn't trade him for anything, but that doesn't mean that some days it does feel good to leave him with Ross and run errands alone in the evening.
-I miss sweaty workouts. I started working out slowly around 7 weeks postpartum and have been working out about twice a week since then, with about two long walks thrown in the mix as well. I mentioned that my recovery has been really slow, and it's made working out a bit discouraging. Swimming feels the BEST, but I'm mentally opposed to swimming indoors since it's much colder than swimming laps on a sunny, 90 degree day.
-Physical therapy and accupuncture have been Godsends. Incredibly expensive, yes. But I feel like my pain and swelling is finally getting under control and I don't even want to think about how I'd still be feeling without those things.
What I really want to say is:
-I can't believe Noah is 4 months old. I know it's the oldest cliche in the book; but sometimes I look down at his little face and see glimpses of a boy, and not just a baby! Honestly, it does make me a little sad. Postpartum recovery was rough for me for some reason, and I've been in a lot of pain. I feel like I finally started to emerge from the haze of discomfort only to find my baby isn't a baby! I can already be nostalgic about when he used to wear that tiny outfit, or when he used to fit just here.
That being said, it's an absolute delight to watch him grown and develop! I am so used to babies perpetually staying babies at work and it's so new to me to have a one learning new tricks every day. The pediatrician actually said he's doing a few 6 month things like standing and bearing most of his weight on his legs, and doing the skydiver move when he's on his belly. It's pretty funny to watch, and it's crazy that some mornings he'll just wake up and start doing something he's never done before, like it's no big deal!
-Noah started Zantac a few weeks ago and it's amazing what a difference it's made! It makes me a little sad we didn't start it sooner. I feel like a lot of those infuriating, sleepless days could've been avoided! I feel so bad that when I was tired and irritated, he was just trying to say he was in pain! Better late than never, I guess, and we're happy to have our smiley baby back. Still working on naps, but at least he doesn't wake himself up crying now!
-I have always been a homebody, but having a baby brought that to a whole new level and I'm fairly restless some days. It finally doesn't give me complete anxiety to leave the house, but I'm still particular about doing it during his awake times, and not wanting to feed him in public (we're just not coordinated enough for that). I knew intellectually that having a baby would change everything, but I will admit I'm still adjusting to some of those changes. I wouldn't trade him for anything, but that doesn't mean that some days it does feel good to leave him with Ross and run errands alone in the evening.
-I miss sweaty workouts. I started working out slowly around 7 weeks postpartum and have been working out about twice a week since then, with about two long walks thrown in the mix as well. I mentioned that my recovery has been really slow, and it's made working out a bit discouraging. Swimming feels the BEST, but I'm mentally opposed to swimming indoors since it's much colder than swimming laps on a sunny, 90 degree day.
-Physical therapy and accupuncture have been Godsends. Incredibly expensive, yes. But I feel like my pain and swelling is finally getting under control and I don't even want to think about how I'd still be feeling without those things.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Quick Six
This year went by SO fast. Probably because we didn't sleep much from June on. What a fun but crazy year of marriage. Pretty non-eventful on the marriage front (thankfully), but crazy on the life front: new jobs, new house, new baby...
One of my good friends watched Noah for a few hours while Ross and I slipped away for our annual pizza dinner. We went to SPIN and enjoyed sangria on the patio. It was blissful!
It's so crazy to look at Ross and Noah and think how easy it would've been to check out when things fell apart three years ago. But if I had checked out, I wouldn't be HERE. With THEM. And I'm so grateful God held us together when it seemed impossible and undesirable.
Can I be totally unoriginal in my sleep deprived state, and steal a sentiment that's so true, but so not mine?
One of my good friends watched Noah for a few hours while Ross and I slipped away for our annual pizza dinner. We went to SPIN and enjoyed sangria on the patio. It was blissful!
It's so crazy to look at Ross and Noah and think how easy it would've been to check out when things fell apart three years ago. But if I had checked out, I wouldn't be HERE. With THEM. And I'm so grateful God held us together when it seemed impossible and undesirable.
Can I be totally unoriginal in my sleep deprived state, and steal a sentiment that's so true, but so not mine?
Remember that thing about God restoring the years the locusts had eaten? Three things in front of me that I shouldn't be staring at. Redemption never gets old. It's never boring to look at. My very own parted sea.
Monday, August 18, 2014
Babies Don't Keep
Mother, oh mother, come shake out your cloth!
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking!
Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby, loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.)
Oh, cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
But children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby. Babies don't keep.
{Ruth Hamilton}
Highlights from August 11-18 when I gave up fighting Noah for sleep and focused on getting him some rest whenever, wherever. That was my only goal each day:
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking!
Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby, loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.)
Oh, cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
But children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby. Babies don't keep.
{Ruth Hamilton}
Highlights from August 11-18 when I gave up fighting Noah for sleep and focused on getting him some rest whenever, wherever. That was my only goal each day:
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