What I Really Want to Say

Natalie Goldberg says that simply writing the words, "What I really want to say," will spark some good writing. I have a lot I've been wanting to say, but I'm not sure where to start, so I'll try this.

What I really want to say is:

-I can't believe Noah is 4 months old. I know it's the oldest cliche in the book; but sometimes I look down at his little face and see glimpses of a boy, and not just a baby! Honestly, it does make me a little sad. Postpartum recovery was rough for me for some reason, and I've been in a lot of pain. I feel like I finally started to emerge from the haze of discomfort only to find my baby isn't a baby! I can already be nostalgic about when he used to wear that tiny outfit, or when he used to fit just here.

That being said, it's an absolute delight to watch him grown and develop! I am so used to babies perpetually staying babies at work and it's so new to me to have a one learning new tricks every day. The pediatrician actually said he's doing a few 6 month things like standing and bearing most of his weight on his legs, and doing the skydiver move when he's on his belly. It's pretty funny to watch, and it's crazy that some mornings he'll just wake up and start doing something he's never done before, like it's no big deal!

-Noah started Zantac a few weeks ago and it's amazing what a difference it's made! It makes me a little sad we didn't start it sooner. I feel like a lot of those infuriating, sleepless days could've been avoided! I feel so bad that when I was tired and irritated, he was just trying to say he was in pain! Better late than never, I guess, and we're happy to have our smiley baby back. Still working on naps, but at least he doesn't wake himself up crying now!

-I have always been a homebody, but having a baby brought that to a whole new level and I'm fairly restless some days. It finally doesn't give me complete anxiety to leave the house, but I'm still particular about doing it during his awake times, and not wanting to feed him in public (we're just not coordinated enough for that). I knew intellectually that having a baby would change everything, but I will admit I'm still adjusting to some of those changes. I wouldn't trade him for anything, but that doesn't mean that some days it does feel good to leave him with Ross and run errands alone in the evening.

-I miss sweaty workouts. I started working out slowly around 7 weeks postpartum and have been working out about twice a week since then, with about two long walks thrown in the mix as well. I mentioned that my recovery has been really slow, and it's made working out a bit discouraging. Swimming feels the BEST, but I'm mentally opposed to swimming indoors since it's much colder than swimming laps on a sunny, 90 degree day.

-Physical therapy and accupuncture have been Godsends. Incredibly expensive, yes. But I feel like my pain and swelling is finally getting under control and I don't even want to think about how I'd still be feeling without those things.

18 Weeks: Ramblings

Well, I guess it's not just the holidays. Time is starting to speed up! I don't mind for now, because our anatomy ultrasound is at the end of the month and I'm so excited to see this little baby bouncing around again!

This week was pretty boring in pregnancy-land, which is awesome. I'm definitely in the sweet spot of the second trimester. I'm starting to look just a tad pregnant, but I don't have the nausea of the first trimester and I don't yet have the assumed physical discomforts of the huge belly. I have energy to work out, I love vegetables again, and it feels GREAT. Life is good! Especially when the baby decides to throw a tiny little punch from the inside once a day or so.

Although I do have the energy and desire to workout, I've noticed myself getting much more tired overall. I've mentioned this before, I know. I didn't really have fatigue in the first trimester but it's getting to me now. The dark days don't help at all. Neither does the Arctic cold. It was -23 on Monday and I'm not even exaggerating! I've also been FREEZING cold indoors when other people seem to be okay. So of course the perinatal nurse in me assumes hypothyroidism or anemia and I'm having my labs drawn today. Even if all my levels are normal, at least my doctor takes my requests seriously. I live in fear of being one of "those patients," ya know?

Speaking of labs, I got my MSAFP drawn at my last visit and the results came back this week totally fine (although it kills me to no longer be an employee and see the hard copies of my results myself, I will take the nurses word for it). This simply mean that there seems to be a very low risk for open neural tube defects, and the placenta is chugging away like it should.

[Insert graceful subject change here] So... maternity clothes? I'm definitely only in maternity jeans or my old leggings or athletic pants these days. It's much better for my self esteem to not feel a waistband digging in! My normal shirts are getting mighty short in the front, but maternity shirts still look a tad silly. I'm sure it won't be long before I switch over to those, though. And can I just say that vanity sizing is alive and well in maternity-land? I'm bigger than ever, and wearing smaller sizes than ever at places like Gap and Old Navy, where I've been shopping for ages! So weird. And pointless. It just goes to show you that numbers are more meaningless than ever and they certainly can't define you or your self-esteem.

I'll stop rambling soon, but I guess I've been mulling over a lot of topics! This week I've been especially fascinated with pregnancy cravings. I'm starting to believe the theory that your body needs something in the food you're craving. You know, as long as it's not excessive amounts of chocolate cake or something. When my craving is for anything besides sugar, I really do try to meet it. (And I'm not trying to sound holier-than-though. I also get my daily allotment of sugar, to be sure). I'm loving green leafy veggies this week and craving kale salads, kale chips, etc. (Sadly kale chips are too expensive for something I'd eat in one sitting, so haven't satisfied that craving yet).

In my first trimester, I was craving cheese like a madwoman. I've been dairy free for almost two years, and cheese and yogurt are certainly the thing I miss most, but it hasn't been difficult to eat dairy-free day in and day out. Until pregnancy. I was literally dreaming about cheese around weeks 7 and 8. I gave in a few times, and while it tasted phenomenal, it tore up my stomach. So I started taking calcium supplements, thinking maybe there was something in the cheese I needed. Sure enough, the cravings completely disappeared. Yeah, I still looked enviously at Ross' cheesy leftovers sometimes, but I wasn't drooling over them like I had been. About two weeks ago, the cravings came back and I realized I'd run out of calcium supplements. Started taking them again last week and I'm totally fine now. So bizarre, right?

Pregnancy appetite in itself also seems like it will be a constantly changing game. I'll be fine one week, and ravenous the next. I'm finding that it's important to have the fridge and pantry adequately stocked with HEALTHY food to snack on. Last week we came home to an empty fridge and I found myself eating mindlessly because I was a little hungry, but nothing we had was filling (read: lots of sugar). It brought up a whole vortex of old eating disorder thoughts, which was surprising, but shouldn't be I guess. There's a lot of change going on physically, emotionally, and hormonally right now!

The last few days I've been famished while preparing dinner, so I'll snack on something healthy, but then not be really hungry for the dinner I just prepared. I usually eat it as well, but it doesn't taste as good as it would've if I'd waited. Aaand I realize if THIS is my biggest concern of the week, I'm thanking the good Lord. A healthy baby, and a mom who's learning more about herself. God is good.

On that note, God really is good to let all this pregnancy stuff happen slowly. It's a LOT of change to take in. As excited as I am to find out if the baby is a boy or girl, and to actually meet her or him, it might be too overwhelming if we didn't have 38-40 weeks to prepare for it!

Lately

Wo-oah time is getting away from me. I started (another) new job two weeks ago and I'm evolving into these fantastic dual roles as a nurse in a very high-risk setting two days a week and a very low-risk setting two days a week. It's taking some time for the schedule to settle down, but I think I really like it.

Let's see... what else is new?

... We joined a new Gospel Community this fall. The one we joined last year was amazingawesomeoutstanding, but sadly disbanded over the summer since the leaders are taking on a new role in our church. We're really bummed about that, but we're excited that our new leaders live closer to us. I'm happy that one couple from our last group is in this new group with us. Ross is happy that two A&M grads are in this new group with us.  

... My brother Tommy is getting married to a phenomenal girl (hi Sarah!) in May and I couldn't be happier for them.  They actually had an awesome engagement this winter and I didn't blog about it since I wasn't writing much. It was really sweet and so thoughtful. Tommy moved to KC this summer, so Ross and I have really been enjoying getting to know him and Sarah better.

They've asked us for marriage advice and part of me is like, whooosh, where to begin? "Do everything differently than we did!" But the other part of me, the part that hates it when people say, "enjoy your life now because you have no idea how hard it'll be when you have kids," wants to say, you know what, marriage is pretty great. It's fantastically difficult and you will learn about yourself and your spouse in a whole new way, but do we do anyone any favors by scaring them away from the next step before they get there? Don't we need more encouragement and open communication instead of a bunch of naysayers? I'm trying to be more positive in general and this has been a great subject about which I'm learning to weigh my words before speaking.

That being said, my friend Jami recently wrote some advice to her baby sister who's getting married soon, and I just loved it. Read it here. Truth is truth:

If you think you can go into marriage, and do this in your own strength, look around. Christians and non-Christians have the same divorce rate. It's really easy to walk away from someone that hurts you deeply. Your spouse will be the one who can can love the deepest, but they can cut the deepest too.

And so, you'll need something more than human love. Because your husband can't satisfy that need. God made it this way for a very important reason: He, himself is your satisfaction.

... While I'm recommending other blog posts, my friend Melody wrote a post today regarding one of my favorite CS Lewis quotes from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe: “Safe?” said Mr. Beaver; “don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.” Lots to think about. Read it.

... Did I mention that I've been going to the chiropractor since this past spring? I've had lower back/hip pain on and off since high school, but being on accutane this winter somehow exacerbated it tremendously. Like to the point where it hurt to walk every single day. I'm happy to report that the chiropractor is outstanding and I'm pain-free most of the time now. When a very particular spot on my upper back starts to hurt again, I know it's time to do my exercises and go in for an adjustment. (I never thought I'd say something like that.) But. I'm a believer.

... I think I've babbled enough. That's more or less what's going on over here. Now I need to catch up with my last Canada update (from vacation two months ago!!!) because I want to finish blogging about that vacation before going on another one this month! My first trip to Europe is approaching quickly!

Discerning God's Will

Emily Freeman reminded me last weekend, "sometimes you have to say 'yes' to the wrong thing to know you should have said 'no.'" I feel like that's the story of my life. I'm so tired of making the wrong decision. In the last year, I've mad a lot of them. Sometimes they're framed in the light of a 'greater good,' yet they still met the ends I desired, as part of my 'master plan.' I said yes to the things that don't matter and no to the things that do.

In hindsight, this sounds just ridiculous. But I was building my kingdom and it was imperative that the bricks were placed just so. Yet the foundation? It was rotting from the inside out. When things fell apart, I saw that everything I'd been doing and working toward was in vain. Temporary. Bitterly fleeting.

For a brief time, I was able to live in the freedom of close communion with God. Then slowly but surely, my heart started to harden again. Priorities shifted, plans changed, life happened.

Today I repent that I've let busy-ness get in the way again. In enjoying a renewed friendship with my husband, I've developed a false sense of complacency and faltered in my attempts to purse friendship with others. I've let my goals sneak higher and higher in my list of priorities to the extent that I lost sight of the present. I didn't think I was holding that tightly to my plans again, until a new opportunity challenged me to feel the weight of them. I repent of trying to do things out of my own strength and trying to make decisions out of my own wisdom.

I look down and see my white-knuckled grip, and I'm embarrassed.

Last week, I turned to journaling, I turned to desperate prayers to God, I turned to my Bible, I turned to conversations with my husband for discernment, and then I turned inward. Deeper and deeper. Like I was watching from the outside as my husband tried to communicate with me and I didn't respond. I saw myself being the person I didn't want to be, but I couldn't silence the conflicting voices in my head. They exhausted me, they kept me from sleeping, and Friday night, they even took away my appetite. (That's when you really know something's wrong with me)!

While I was looking in the right places, I was still trying to apply Godly wisdom to my earthly framework. So Sunday at church, I did what I was always too afraid to do, and I went up to one of the pastors to ask for advice. Of course, he didn't have a concrete answer. It wouldn't be right if he did. But he did give me some great resources and an awesome analogy borrowed from Tim Keller that's too good not to share.

In a nutshell, the three elements of a call are: ability, affinity, and opportunity. Ability is endowed by God as well as life experience through which your skills have been or can be developed. Affinity means you have to want to do this thing. You are acutely aware of a human need and you have a desire to fill that need. This desire shouldn't rise out of immature motives, such as a pay increase you don't really need, a desire for glory, or even a need to be needed. (I definitely struggle here. Are my desires the right desires?) Finally, you must have an opportunity to do this job.

Keller notes that when ability, affinity, and opportunity are all present and pointing in the same direction, a person can discern God's call.

Like so.

(source)

When I think about my life, I can see that ability and affinity without opportunity leads me to rush God's timing as I try to force an outcome that I want. This often ends up with me taking an even longer way around to the original destination (or, you know, a one-way ticket to an entirely different destination than the one I thought I wanted).

Ability and opportunity without affinity can feed selfish desires but leads to burnout really quickly. These opportunities are the ones I'm most likely to say yes to and then regret. I think, "well, this presented itself to me, so it must be a sign that I should take it." Ummm no. Case in point: grad school. Untold benefits and a great number of lessons learned, but man those classes are like pulling teeth. My middle brother just started law school and he freaking loves it. Why don't I feel that joy?! I think to an extent, it's okay to do something you don't necessarily love if it leads to an end result that you do feel affinity toward, but I'm not sure what I'm getting this degree for at this point. I digress. Basically, when I'm facing a decision involving ability and opportunity without affinity, I need to remember: just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

(source)

Finally, affinity and opportunity without ability is going to be endlessly frustrating. For example, I would love to run a marathon. I really love running, it's easy enough to sign up for a race, but my body just cannot handle that mileage. I've tried three times, and every time my body just breaks down halfway thorugh the training cycle.

Emily and me after a half marathon (2 years ago already?!)

In the face of a lot of opportunities, I'm praying for affinity for something... anything... right now.

Thoughts on a Tuesday

-At my hospital in Texas, we had to be on-call once a schedule. At my current hospital, there's not typically an on-call signup. However, there are sometimes extenuating circumstances and I'm on-call today. I forgot how annoying it is to be tethered to your phone!

-Open hands and open eyes are a necessity in Christian life.

-Ross now loves PB on a spoon for a snack. I am so proud.

-I've been praying that God would direct our choices lately. Ross and I have had to decide recently whether or not to participate in our couples small group this fall. I also had an opportunity to join a women's group at church. After debating and debating, we finally came to a tentative conclusion. And then the next day I found out that, while I was under the impression I was teaching clinicals from 0630-1630 Tuesday and Wednesday, it's actually 0630-1900 Tuesday and Wednesday. An answer to prayer? I guess. A bleak outlook on the month of September when I'm going to be getting home after 8pm every day Monday through Friday? Yes.

-On that note, I'm enjoying my last day of freedom and hermitude today while I sit next to my phone (so potentially not a free day at all).

-Burrowing babies make me melt.

-My heart yearns for a BFF right now. That's kind of embarrassing to put out there in cyberspace. But you know the friend in high school you could run to crying and eat cookie dough while talking a mile a minute and laugh until your face hurt? I miss her.

-Yes, these "list" posts are totally a cop out. There are many subjects bouncing around my head that I'd love to write a full post on, but I can't seem to focus enough to flesh them out right now.

What's new with you?

Crammed

I feel like a weight has been lifted. I wish it was from my chest, but it's off my shoulders at least.  After 4 days of steroids, I'm still hacking away at the slightest provocation of breathlessness and I'm desperate. I do love steroids sometimes, but I'd prefer to only need them once every few years. This is the third round in the last 9 months. Something's gotta give before my bones do (nothing like getting diagnosed with osteopenia at the age of 22 to make you feel old).


1. The first to go is farm work. I probably shouldn't have blogged about Urbavore immediately after getting home when I was tired, cranky, cold, and oh-so-sore. After a hot shower and a round with the neti-pot, I was left with yes, aching muscles and wheezing, but also the immense satisfaction of a job well done. Few things can be more fundamental and important as growing your own food and knowing exactly how it got to your plate. I feel very passionately about that. But 15 hours a week on top of my full-time job is a bit ambitious even without asthma in the mix.

There is 100% chance of soaking, revitalizing, but yes cold rain today and the high temps are only supposed to hit the low 40s. I do feel a little bit  really guilty and wimpy because the farmers (one of whom is 6 months pregnant) and interns are out in the field working in this weather. I came home from work last night in a panic because a cold and wet Therese is not an animal you want to encounter in the wild, but also because cold = bronchospasms and a day out in this weather would further lower my immunity. I had to tell Brooke. Fortunately, she was very understanding.

image from google search

We're still trying to figure out if my stipulations (avoid straw, hay, debris, mold, and dust) are conducive to actually being helpful on the farm once a week. If so, I'd LOVE to stay involved, even if it means picking pole beans for hours on end beneath the summer sun (mmm... sun). But for now, I'm at home recovering. And no matter what, I will be FULLY supporting the Badseed Farmer's Market and Urbavore Farm Stand all summer- if you're in town, I'd love to take you and introduce you to the people who have poured their lives into such an incredible and worthy endeavor.

2. The second thing to go, temporarily, is gluten. Homeopathic remedies seem to be hit-or-miss, but I'm desperate and there are a good number of people who swear that a gluten-free diet reduces inflammation. As much as I love baking and eating the fruits of the breadbasket of America, I need to give gluten-free another shot. My month of clean eating in February ended after two weeks because, let's be honest, it was a lot of work and it was also inconvenient/embarrassing in social situations. (I know, there are more important things, but really. We live in a society built around convenience.)

While my stomach never really felt better, my asthma did drastically improve during those two weeks. I'm not sure if it was the lack of gluten or lack of dairy (both of which have been blamed as inflammatory culprits), so I'm going to rule one out at a time. Gluten is the first to go simply because I just stocked up on Greek yogurt (protein and calcium intake are important to maintain while on Prednisone).

This doesn't mean buying fancy gluten-free cupcakes and processed food right now. The point is to veer more toward whole food: brown rice, quinoa, and millet are all easy to make in advance and eat throughout the week. (Easy for me to say now, but in a few hours I'll be eyeing those Almond Joy Cookie Bars in the freezer and wondering if I could make a gluten-free version with oat flour instead of wheat flour!)

3. My running game was finally improving again last week. I was up to being comfortable with 3.5 miles of a run 9 minute/walk 1 minute pattern. Of course now the thought of running just makes me want to cough and wheeze. I was too sore from farm work last Tuesday and Wednesday and obviously haven't been breathing well enough to run since then. I'm going to continue to take time off until this weekend and re-evaluate. Typical of my over-compensation, I am signed up to run a 5.3 mile leg of the Brew to Brew run with co-workers on April 3. Yikes!

Photo from BrewtoBrew.com

4. Of course, just taking things away is never a healthy attitude, so I'm making it a focus to ADD more of the important things to my life:

-Getting involved in a new church that's actually conducive to new member involvement (any recommendations in the Kansas City area?)

-Counseling (embarrassing to admit, but long overdue with my history of depression and anxiety).

-The Word of God. No self-help book could ever replace His love story.

-Quality time with Ross. When BOTH of us pulled long days every day for the last week, things got grouchy fast. We are so fortunate to be able to have some leisure time in our lives and we would prefer to spend some of it together instead of alone in the apartment at different times on different days.

-Foods that please my body and not just my tastebuds- though I always aim to please both!

-Dry brushing. I mentioned it last time, and I've kept up with it sporadically, but it's strangely soothing. I can see how it centers autistic kids when they get anxious. Try it!


In the spirit of starting off on the right foot, I had some liquid sunshine with my breakfast to brighten up this dreary day. A carrot, beet, orange, and coconut smoothie.

*Disclaimer: I am a Registered Nurse, not a Registered Dietician. At work we deal with calorie and protein ratios in milk, not big-kid food. What works in my life and eating style may not work for you. But please, give me feedback on my recipes and feel free to share your own!

Liquid Sunshine serves 1 hungry girl
(you will need a food-processor or high-powered blender with these ingredients)

2-3 small steamed, peeled beets (I used pre-steamed organic beets from Hy-Vee-- don't confuse these with canned or pickled beets!)
1 orange
1 organic carrot, chopped into 1/2-inch chunks
1/2 cup coconut milk (using unsweetened SO Delicious has been cheaper than buying cans of coconut milk and it has a very mild, creamy taste that's not overwhelming)
1/4 cup unsweetened Greek yogurt (or just add another 1/4 cup of another liquid-- OJ, milk, coconut water, etc.)
3-4 ice cubes


Add ingredients to food processor or blender and blend until smooth. This may take several minutes depending on how powerful the motor is.

Pour into a tall glass and garnish with shredded coconut or chopped almonds if desired, and smile: Today will be beautiful!

(Please don't think me a hypocrite. I know that after getting on my soapbox about local food, I made a smoothie from non-local ingredients. While I'd love to get to the point where 90% of what we eat is grown within 50-100 miles, it's not practical right now mostly due to extremely limited pantry and freezer space and the fact that the local climate doesn't grow fresh fruits and vegetables year-round. Probably my biggest disappointment over not being an Urbavore intern is that I will miss out on the FREE education about preserving local food so it can sustain you even through the winter. These farmers don't just talk the talk!)

Can't Take the Heat

1) Studying makes me so anxious I get sick to my stomach.

2) I felt REALLY bad for the car salesman we didn't get a lease from.

3) I burned myself two days ago. Badly. With boiling water. I took lots of pictures, but they may be too gross to post on the blog.

I can choose 1 of 2 ways to handle these recent events:

a) "When you're going through hell, keep going."

b) "If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen!"

I'm still chugging along.

Stress Monster

This week, winter hit hard. In fact, on Tuesday there was snow on the ground in 49 of the 50 states (Florida was the odd one out)! Wednesday was by far the coldest day of winter, so of course that was the day my car decided to die. Again. On the interstate ramp. On my way to work at 6:20 in the morning. I actually think I'm fortunate because a.) I left for work 5-10 minutes earlier than normal yesterday because I had to factor in hiking from the parking lot in the snow, and b.) if my car was going to die while driving, a slow entrance ramp near a gas station was the best possible place.

I drifted to the shoulder and called Ross (twice, because he wasn't awake yet) and hiked to Quick Trip. Ross came within a few minutes and we jumped my car, only to have it die again almost immediately. So we left it stranded there and Ross drove me to work. Sick babies don't take care of themselves, and I was only 2 minutes late after all that! An awesome co-worker drove me home, and now here I sit.

Since Ross has been pulling long hours and late nights at work, I'm stranded at home today. Needless to say, my plan to camp out at Starbucks today and tomorrow and do nothing but study, isn't going to happen.

On today's to-do-list instead:

-get car towed to the place we paid $400 last week to supposedly fix it (it died before Christmas, too, and we had a new alternator installed)

-e-mail friend's dad and high school friend in an attempt to procure a decent car for a decent price in the next few weeks

-run in the cold like the hardcore runner I am ;-)

-walk a mile to Panera to study after lunch, because there are just too many distractions at home

WISH ME LUCK!

Quiet Reflections

The quiet snow was great for reflection yesterday. I have a classmate whose dad died Sunday out of the blue. She's engaged and her dad will never walk her down the aisle. My heart breaks for her.

Bad things happen to good people, and sometimes it terrifies me to think that the more you have, the more you have to lose.

 

I know I am so, so blessed. And sometimes that scares me.

We simply cannot know when we will go. Or, even worse, when a loved one will.

Have you said "I love you" today?

What Running Means to Me

(Or, why I'm not running the Cowtown Marathon in February).

What running is:

1.) An antidepressant.

2.) An encouragement. This is not to say that I expect to feel wonderful before, during, and after every run, but the good runs should at least outweigh the bad.

3.) A stress-reliever.

4.) Motivation. At age 25, I'm still young enough to strive for improved times and distances. Running is an activity that drives me toward new personal bests. Training for a race can help me push myself and realize that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. Like I said, not every run is great, but every time I safely push myself through a bad run, I grow a little stronger mentally and physically.

5.) A reminder to exercise moderation in all things.

6.) A way for me to find a "new normal" that's more healthy and balanced than I have been in the past.

7.) Fun! A race, when you're adequately prepared, is a great celebration of training and hard work.

What running is not:

1.) Punishment. 

2.) A way to "make up" for eating too much the day before.

3.) An "excuse" to binge eat afterward.

4.) Another stressor.

5.) A way to measure myself against anyone else, for better or for worse.

For today's run, I had this quote in mind courtesy of Dale Carnegie: 

 

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. 
If you want to conquer fear, 
do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”

Last night, I had a really stressful dream in which I kept encountering hurdles that kept me from going on my 13 mile run today. But I did not sleep through my 7am alarm, I did not eat a 5 course breakfast, and there was no snow on the ground (thank goodness)! All of these things happened in my dream, but I woke up feeling okay and the weather was beautiful. I read that quote and realized I just needed to get out and do the darn thing, and I'd feel better about it.

13.1 miles later. (The layers are for my ice bath, not my run in the 60 degree sun!)

That ended up only being part way true. This was a long long run, mentally and physically. I don't doubt that I can finish the Gobbler Grind half marathon in 13 days, but I do have doubts that it's going to be an awesome celebration of my training like my 10k was in September. 

I've really only had 4 "long" runs (over 5 miles) since the 10k: an 8-miler, a 10-miler, a 12-miler, and today's 13.1 miles. I would say that's irresponsible of me, but for the most part my lack of long runs is not due to me just being lazy. Depending on the week, I've been out-of-town, almost-injured, moving, and dealing with asthma. 

I don't mean to list these as excuses, and I really don't see them as such. Since my goal in becoming a runner is to create a healthy, life-long habit, I have to accept that I'm not always going to run exactly what's on my training plan. In fact, given the circumstances, I'm pretty proud of myself! I have increased my weekly mileage slowly and steadily. I know I'm not over-training. Yet I don't sleep well at night, I don't recover quickly, and I feel like I'm getting slower. I don't know if it's the weather, the new apartment, or what, but my asthma has been getting worse again and it's time to pay a visit to the doctor and figure out what's going on.

I really didn't mean for this to be another self-indulgent post. I guess typing this out helps me organize my thoughts, though. Today's run was only 1 mile longer than last week's long run, but it took me 20 more minutes to finish! That's actually not bad considering I had to resort to a run 5 minutes/walk 5 minutes the last 5 miles because I couldn't catch my breath.

I still plan on running 26 miles to celebrate my 26th birthday! The race will probably just be closer to home and closer to my actual birthday. I need a few good months of healthy running before launching into a marathon training plan.


Something for me to think about: There once was a man who cried because he had no shoes, until he met a man who had no feet. 

Autocognition, Subliminal Messages, and Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.

 

I've been thinking a lot lately... about how I think. I haven't posted in a few days because my mom taught me, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Obviously, I don't follow this rule most of the time. But I posted a quote the other day that said, "Change it or let it go. Complaining is a waste of energy" and I'm really trying to listen. I cannot control other people. I cannot control the weather or time's inevitable march into a colder, darker month. I cannot control the nonsensical layout of our new apartment's kitchen. Do I really need to whine about it and put another negative thought out there in the world?

There is some merit to "getting things off your shoulders," but where's the line between commiserating and straight out making other people miserable with my incessant whining? On the other hand, simply trying to, not complain out loud isn't doing me much good either. After all, who wants to be the silent person sulking in the corner? They may not be moaning and groaning, but you can tell they're not happy. (Why am I saying "they"? This has been me more often than not. I apologize to those of you who have witnessed this.) 

I think something more fundamental has to change. Once I've dug myself deep into the trenches of negative thinking, it's too late. Even if I hold it all in and remain silent, it's going to seep out around the edges. An individual's thought process is a messy place, but there are some messages that play over and over again, once we start to pay attention to them.

My thought reel looks something like this: "I'm so tired, I don't get enough sleep, I hate work, I need to take better care of myself, I think about myself too much, I love working out and eating right, I am too hard on my body, I don't push myself enough, I eat way too much, I don't fuel properly for longer runs, it takes me forever to recover from a hard workout, I'm not meant to be fast, I get bored too easily, I quit too easily, I'm too hard on myself..."

Just typing those out allows me to see the extremes I can sometimes think in. From the vocabulary (never, forever, way, too, don't, hate) to the actual messages I'm sending myself, (yes/no, do/don't, will/won't) I'm setting myself up for failure.

I even label myself. Depending who I'm with, I see myself as the messy one, the flaky one, the dumb one, the whiny one, the fake one, the self-absorbed one. Very few times in my life have I felt like the smart one, the pretty one, the gentle one, the genuine one. And usually when I do feel like that, it's a reflection of who I'm with more than anything. I want that to change. 

I want to be the kind of person you interact with and it improves your day. You know those people. The people who leave you feeling better about yourself than you did before they came by. These people are not self-serving and don't draw attention to themselves, but there's a magnetic pull toward them. People want to be around them. (Now as I type this, I'm wondering if the fact that I want to be this type of person precludes me from actually becoming this selfless person?)

My dad used to tell me that enough people in the world would say bad things about me that I shouldn't waste time saying bad things about myself. Then he'd stand up and try to make me say, "I'm smart, I'm good-looking, and gosh darn it, people like me!" I'd giggle and blow him off as my corny dad, but it turns out he's right.

I'm not saying mind over matter works all of the time. And I'm not claiming to actually have control over anything in my life. I'm simply going to try to think less negatively more positively from one minute to the next.  What are your thoughts? Any help would help! How do you balance humility vs. self-depreciation?

 

"If you keep on saying things are going to be bad, you have a good chance of becoming a prophet." -Isaac Bashevis Singer, Yiddish-American writer (1904-1991)

The Lucky Ones

*Change it or let it go. Complaining is a waste of energy.*

I heard someone say this recently and I've been thinking about it a lot. I had a little pity party the other day, but I did indeed snap out of it. I know my mood was more related to all the cloudy days and humid weather we've been having rather than the fact that I actually have a life worth complaining about.

It usually takes a good but busy day at work to give me perspective. I may whine a little (okay, a lot. It's a problem.) about working 14 hour days from time to time, but at least I get to leave. I get to go home to a quiet house and forget about the hospital for a while. I cannot fathom sitting by my own child's bed, relinquishing every bit of parental instinct and control, for over 100 days. When I see a mom who is able to invest that much time, that much love, into her perfectly imperfect child, it breaks my heart. Every time mom tears up, I find myself doing the same.

Some days the NICU overwhelms me (as does projectile vomit) and I wish I could tell mothers everywhere: you think you have it bad? Pick a random baby in the NICU and I guarantee they have it so much worse. (But please feel free to remind me I said this in a few years when I'm awake at 3am with a fussy baby of my own).
 
There is no greater love than to give your life to another. I was so honored to see this love in action today. Please, if you have a little one at home, no matter how long your day (or night) may be, thank God that you're at home and not in a cold, loud hospital trying to sleep on a pull-out bed. (And if you are, my prayers are with you).

I will admit I am often jaded: how is it "fair" that one irresponsible mom can have a perfectly healthy pregnancy and delivery, while a perfectly healthy mom can go to a happy prenatal ultrasound one day and receive news that will forever turn her world upside-down? (Disclaimer: I also absolutely witness bad choices during pregnancy harming the baby and healthy choices during pregnancy leading to amazing outcomes. But other times there's no rhyme or reason, and it scares the crap out of me!)

However, I left work today grateful for 3 things:
1) That I am able to leave work, the hospital, and the drama behind me for a few hours.
2) The ability to witness the strength of the human spirit and our ability to place our cares on a greater God when we literally cannot carry them another day.
3) A deep and profound appreciation for my own health and my own life. 

I hope you find something to be thankful for tonight as well! 

Snap Out of It!

I felt like I was on top of the world last week after running 10 miles in Chicago. This week? Not so much. I know there are so many worse things going on in the world; I encounter these things every time I go to work. I have friends struggling with much bigger hurdles than marathon training. I know this. Yet I'm still feeling a little blue.

I feel like life has been non-stop since September started. And here we are over halfway through October. How did that happen?! All I know is, I'm so tired. I don't want to pack up our apartment and move in 10 days. (I don't know if it's better or worse that we're moving across the street in the same apartment complex). I don't want to look at my race training schedule. I don't want to cook a healthy dinner because it means a messy kitchen. I don't want to go to work. By the time we unpack and settle into our new apartment, the holidays will be upon us. I don't see things slowing down until March. And that thought exhausts me.

Maybe it's because I'm exhausted in general. I have been fighting a head cold all week and have not been sleeping well. Running, after a glorious high point last week, has gone rapidly downhill (figuratively, unfortunately, and not literally). I ran about half the miles I was scheduled to this week- culminating in today's "11 mile run" that turned into a lousy, windy, humid, sweaty, achy 4 miles.

My legs are tired. My heart is tired. My head is tired of mental running games. I'm starting to dread runs. I wake up feeling like I "have" to get this certain run in, instead of feeling strong and confident and WANTING to go running.  I'm questioning whether or not I actually want to sign up for the marathon. The whole point was to get in shape and after almost a year of consistent exercising, I feel like I am almost there. Do I really need to run an insane 26.2 miles to prove it?


I still alternate running 5 minutes and walking 1 minute for most of my runs, and definitely for anything over 3 miles. I really loved the 10k last month and I'm already looking forward to March when I can quit the long distances and instead work on speed and eliminating walking breaks. (I say March because, inevitably, I will still sign up for the marathon in February hoping that I get out of this funk by then).

If you asked me a year ago if I could run 10 miles, I would have laughed in your face. That was the high school Therese who could run like that. But last Friday, I was on top of the world. There are a lot of things I don't miss about high school, but being in good shape is one thing I do miss. Senior year, I could go out and run for an hour at a time without thinking twice. Maybe someday I'll get there again. Today if you asked me if I could run 10 miles, I would still laugh in your face! My legs felt like deadweights all day and my knees are creaky.

What I'm hoping helps in the next few weeks:
-starting my beloved Bikram yoga again next week
-today's ice bath (I should probably start making them a weekly occurrence)
-lots of sleep
-stretching with the foam roller every day (I think a tight IT band is what's making my left knee hurt)
-vitamin C and zinc (to get this cold out of my system)
-lots of fruits and veggies to aid in physical and mental recovery

Tonight, I'm relaxing on the couch and eating the Pumpkin Ginger Snaps I just made. (Thanks for the reci"pea" Sarah!)

Pumpkin Gingersnaps

makes 20-24 cookies

• 1 c. whole wheat pastry flour + 1 c. unbleached all-purpose flour
• 1 T. ginger
• 2 t. baking soda
• 1/2 t. baking powder
• 1 t. cinnamon
• 1/2 c. butter at room temperature
• 1/2 c. canned pumpkin
• 3/4 c. organic sugar + additional 1/4 c. for rolling
• 1/4 c. molasses

In a medium bowl, combine flour, ginger, baking soda, baking powder and cinnamon.  Set aside. Using an electric or stand mixer, cream together butter, pumpkin, sugar and molasses. Gradually add flour mixture to wet ingredients, mixing until a dough comes together. Chill dough for at least an hour.

When dough is chilled, preheat oven to 350 and pour remaining 1/4 c. of sugar into a shallow bowl. Roll heaping tablespoons full of dough into balls. Roll each ball in the sugar until completely covered. Flatten cookie dough balls slightly and bake for 8 minutes or until edges are set.  Do not overbake. Cookies will seem soft, but allow them to cool on the pan for 1-2 minutes before transferring to a cooling rack.

 Now if only I could learn to be thankful for everything even when I'm under the weather, like this blogger is!

One year already!

Ross and I are in Chicago and I didn't bring my laptop, but I had to stop by because I noticed the date when I was leaving the El station this evening. It's October 15. That means that tomorrow will mark one year since we packed our entire apartment into a tiny U-Haul. Ross pulled it all behind him in the truck and I left a few hours after him to made the tearful 8 hour drive to our new home.

And yes, despite the roller-coaster year we've had, and given the fact that I have been constantly on the go for the last 4 weeks, it's safe to say that KC is definitely home right now. You can expect a long-winded post reflecting on everything when I get back. For now, I need to get to bed so I can enjoy my last full day in the Windy City!

Just What I Needed

After all that talk yesterday, I fell asleep on the couch instead of going out for a run beneath the brilliant blue fall sky. But I was so tired mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Today I told myself that I'd go out for a few miles, focus on my posture, and run how I felt. Apparently I felt like my tail was on fire. I ran the second mile in 9 minutes and 22 seconds! The song that made the difference between mile 1 and mile 2? Beautiful by Christina Aguilera (don't judge!)

Yesterday I really needed a nap. Today I really needed a run. Sometimes I talk about running toward something or away from something. Today I was definitely running away from something. I was running away from the guilt of not running the miles I should have this week. Guilt from not volunteering to work overtime when the NICU admitted triplets and two other babies last night (will our census ever normalize?!). Guilt from not being the perfect housewife and keeping our apartment clean all the time.

A good run usually involves good music, good thinking time, or all the stars aligning to obtain that elusive runner's high. Today's run involved good music and led to good internal dialogue:

You have no self control. You ate too much cookie dough yesterday and too much pumpkin bar batter today.

You are beautiful.

You're eating like you've been running all week, but you haven't earned it.

You are beautiful.

You are so unproductive on your days off.

You are beautiful.

You are such a hypochondriac when you get any little ache or pain.

You are beautiful.

I am not sure where I first heard this, but when you're talking badly to yourself, you're supposed to imagine saying that same thing to a child. Would you say it to your 5 year old self? No? Then why on earth are you saying it to your 25 year old self? 

I really regret getting so down on myself in high school and college. I was doing the best I could at the time and beating myself up all the time didn't help matters. Likewise, I know that in 5 years I'll look back and be so sad at the way I talk to myself some days. I love how the Desiderata puts it: Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

My name is Therese. I love to bake and lick the bowl afterward. I like to run slow and pretend I'm fast. I like to write things out to clarify them, even if no one else reads it. I like to lay in bed reading Harry Potter while my awesome husbands makes pancakes. I like to take care of the tiniest human beings, even though the "work" part of my job overwhelms me sometimes. I am beautiful.

Just Say No

This entire thought process occurred yesterday (Sunday) afternoon at work:

After I got back from lunch, the charge nurse asked if I wanted to work extra today (Monday). I had already signed up for overtime Wednesday, but they had several babies who needed one-on-one nurses Monday, so they were more desperate for help than usual.  I said, "Sure, take me off of Wednesday and I'll work Monday instead."

Then I remembered I had to have my Bone Marrow Donor labwork done this morning, so I said, "Actually, I can help out, but I can't come in until 11." Which was fine. Then I started to get anxious thinking about it. That meant putting myself at 3 in a row, which always stresses me out now that I'm on day shift. Granted, I'm doing three in a row by working Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, but I was mentally prepared for that. I started wondering, what will I pack for lunch? Will I have time to run errands, workout, and get blood drawn before going in at 11? So I erased my name and put myself back on Wednesday.

Then I felt guilty. But I reminded myself that the entire NICU does not (by any stretch of my imagination) depend on me and me alone. Yes, I work overtime almost every week because we are consistently short every shift thanks to a summer baby boom. Yes, it frustrates me that other people complain about staffing, yet refuse to work overtime. Yes, I like to help when I can. But it's my life, too!  And I'm SO glad I decided not to work today.

On the way to the lab

I got my blood drawn without incident. It's always good when the lab tech tells you that you have good veins before she even applies the tourniquet to your arm. (As an aside, every time I get blood drawn, I feel a little more guilty for sticking our babies when they don't know what's coming. And in general, they do NOT have good veins, so it's never a simple stick.)

Success

I went to Coffee Girls in Brookside and got a fresh squeezed juice as my reward. I'm hoping the extra dose of vitamins and minerals will help my now-slightly-diminished blood supply. After all, I have a 10k to run in two weeks!

Liquid Sunshine

I ate a big lunch at home and then I sat by the pool for 3 hours, soaked up the sun, and read a book nearly cover to cover. As much as I complained about the heat this summer, I'm shockingly upset that summer is fading and I needed one last fling with it.

I love summer!

Dear sunshine, please don't leave me.

 Now I'm anxious about work again, but it's nice to know that I got at least 3 hours of relaxation and sunshine in.  Changing seasons always leave me nostalgic. When I was walking back from the pool, I thought of one of my favorite quotes from Elizabeth Gilbert:

"Of course, we all inevitably work too hard, then we get burned out and have to spend the whole weekend in our pajamas, eating cereal straight out of the box and staring tat the TV in a mild coma (Which is the opposite of working, yes, but not exactly the same thing as pleasure)."

Substitute computer for TV and that's usually my day off in a nutshell-- the opposite of work, yes, but not exactly relaxation. The moral of my story is, just say no. Sometimes "me" time is more important than overtime!

8 Vials of Blood

Freshman year of college, I went to a campus blood drive to donate and ended up signing up to be a bone marrow donor. I didn't really give it a second thought after that. But last week, I had several urgent messages from a woman in Ft. Worth wanting to know if I was still interested in donating. Apparently I'm a possible match for a 20 year old with leukemia.

Tomorrow morning, I go to the lab to get 100ml of blood drawn. I know that's not a lot compared to donating blood, which I've also done, but it sounds like a lot right now. After all, we give 8ml blood transfusions to our smallest babies in the NICU! 100 is a lot in our tiny world.

I'm also nervous because they will be scrutinizing every possible number on my lab results (and, of course, genetic markers) to see if I'm a good match.  More than wanting all my numbers to be perfect, I want to be good enough to help!

Please pray that this keeps moving forward and I can help someone during such a desperate time. I know I'm not even a definite match, but I already feel really good about signing up to be a donor. I highly recommend it! It's humbling to know that I could literally save someone's life with generosity.

Now I'm Supposed to Keep Doing Things?!

Another long day at work. Monitor alarms are still ringing in my ears. Sock ridges are indented into my edematous legs. I came home to a sink full of dirty dishes. What to do? More work? Or be lazy and know that I have to wake up to this mess in the morning?

I sat on the couch. And read this awesomely hilarious blog post: This is Why I'll Never be an Adult 

Click on the link and read the whole post. Seriously. It's like READING THE STORY OF. MY. OWN. LIFE! It's so nice to know I'm not alone. I made Ross read the post when I was done laughing and I said, "isn't it me?!" He said, "frighteningly so."

Now, in an effort to be responsible and have a productive day off tomorrow,  I'm going to shut off the computer and get in bed.

Oh, and I loaded the dishwasher.

Inspiration Board

Growing up, August always meant back-to-school shopping and browsing through catalogs at all the knit sweaters, plaid skirts, and warm tights. Every school year was a clean slate. Well, we're already into September (how did that happen?!) but I still think fall is a chance to start fresh.

Even though I'm no longer in school, I really needed to do something about my mindset. You see, I love fall. But fall means winter is coming. I do love parts of winter: the silence of the first snow, cozy sweaters, lots of hot chocolate and hot tea, sitting in front of the fireplace at my parent's house... but it all gets old after a month or so. I'm dreading going out to my car in the sub-freezing temperatures to go to work. I'm dreading hiking to my car in the dark after a long day and having to scrape the windshields. My little car doesn't handle icy roads well, and neither do I. Come January, I'm ready for SUNSHINE and WARMTH.

Inspired by another blogger, I decided to make an inspiration board of things to work towards in the next 6 months. You see, it's only September. I'm getting too far ahead of myself. And I have a lot to look forward to this winter. Like Gina said, "Fall is the perfect time of year to re-evaluate your goals and see where your priorities lie before the year ends."



Here's a look back at my 2010 Resolutions:

1) Pray daily with Ross again 
FAIL. But there's no time like the present to renew a resolution.

2) Find a church 
I think we've decided on Redeemer Fellowship. Now we just need to become regular attendees. It's taken me a long time to realize we will not find a carbon copy of our Ft. Worth church in the middle of Kansas, as ideal as that would have been.

3) Stick to a budget and use cash for most day-to-day purchases 
Most months, this is a success. Traveling a lot (and using 2 days of PTO) messed this up a bit in July and August, but for the most part we're doing well and even putting money into savings every month.

4) Make friends in my new city
This is taking so much longer than I'd hoped, but I'm finally starting to get out more.

5) Do yoga once (or more) a week while training for the Cowtown Marathon in February 2011
Yoga is not financially viable year-round right now, but I have been consistently training for a 10k this month, a 1/2 marathon in November, and the marathon in February. Come November, I'm excited to work Bikram Yoga into my training schedule again.

6) Eat at least one serving of fruits or vegetables at every meal
This has definitely improved in the past year, thanks in part to healthy living blogs I've started reading. It's good to see other active young women with a balanced mindset toward food. Also, the CSA has been a great source of local vegetables and new flavors. This summer I started to aim for 5+ servings of produce a day, but even on my lazy/low-grocery days, 3 servings is pretty standard.

7) Laugh more
I'm starting to smile more (some days it's fake it 'til you make it) and I'd like to think I'm more pleasant on a day-to-day basis, although I've noticed that my mood can be directly related to how tired I am.

8) Read more
I'm ashamed to admit that I read the Twilight series in 5 days this spring and I read all 16 books of the Stephanie Plum Series this summer. It takes me no time flat to read guilty-pleasure books. Now I've moved on to The Autobiography of Saint Therese of Lisieux: The Story of a Soul (the saint I was named after) and The Happiness Project (which was actually written by a Kansas City native).

9) Cook more
Given the fact that I've posted enough recipes here to justify a recipe page, I think it's safe to say I'm cooking more! 

10) Play more
Still a work in progress. I need to spend less time on the computer and more time enjoying the sunshine while it's still here.

Here's what I want to/plan to do in the next six months (that's from the beginning of September through the end of February):

1) Run a 10k, half marathon, and marathon (in case I haven't said that enough)!

2) Buy a 3 month Bikram pass this November and go at least once a week.

3) Cross-train/lift weights twice a week.

4) Continue to eat as locally as I can, even as the CSA dwindles and I rely more on frozen organic veggies and less on fresh produce. (This includes the more specific goal of taking Ross to Nebraska City this fall to pick apples, stock up on apple butter and homemade jam, and enjoying the local, seasonal bounty and the essence of being outdoors in the fall.)

5) Spend more time thanking God for the life he has given me, and loving God as much as my little heart is capable of.

6) Spend less time on the computer, get outside more, and sleep better.

7) Start saving more money for a new car (hopefully it lasts more than 6 more months, but it's time to start saving more in anticipation).

8) Attain my RNC certification. I'm taking a 3-day study course in October and plan to take the computerized test before December 15 (the day I graduated from nursing school in 2007).

I have a few other exciting goals for the next 2 years, but those are for another inspiration board another day!

If you read this far, thank you. I'd love to hear YOUR goals for the next 6 months as well! To quote Gina again, "Things don’t happen by accident- they’re always the result of hard work and the most meaningful goals are the ones that are not-so-easy to attain."