It's Tuesday night. This time last week, I was taking Rosie to the Respiratory Outpatient Clinic inside the children's hospital ER. It was our second of three visits. She was breathing so fast, and retracting, and burning up and I was so tense waiting there, knowing that she needed suctioning, but knowing I hated seeing them put that catheter down her nose.
We would've actually qualified for hospital admission that night, but she seemed to improved when they suctioned some of that thick junk out of her airway, so we went home. She had a feverish, sad night. She wasn't eating well, and was lethargic, resting on my chest, as hot as a little space heater because she was refusing to take her Tylenol. When morning came, I took her to the ROC clinic again. They suctioned her again. But by the time we got to the car, she was already retracting and breathing fast and looking so, so sad. So I grabbed some sustenance, made some phone calls, and walked into the ER with my baby and asked to be seen. The nurse counted her respiratory rate at 80 breaths per minute, and they took us back to a room right away. They put her on a monitor, suctioned her again, and then the doctor came in to chat.
I was honestly relieved when the doctor decided to admit her. The previous few nights had been so scary. I was calling the on-call pediatrician's line almost nightly. I think I knew what was coming. She got oxygen for about an hour in the ER, and rested so comfortably on it. She was breathing fast and hard when we got her up to her room, but since her sats were 90-92%, they didn't put the oxygen back on, which I was a little anxious about. (For the record, I did NOT like our day shift nurse those first few days). By evening, she was a little more comfortable, albeit still sat-ing in the low 90s, and sometimes dipping below when she was asleep.
It's funny, I've kind of been regretting not staying that second night in the hospital after she was born, just to snuggle. Well, we got our extra nights in the hospital. But snuggling was really hard with the big uncomfortable chair, a sick baby, a sick mama, lines, and oxygen. But I still relished that time when I literally had nothing to do but attend to her. Even though it did wear on me, especially by the evening, when it started to get dark out and I realized I somehow needed to shower, and eat, and pump, and wash pumping parts all alone with a fussy baby. I was so grateful when my parents decided to come down to help out.
Rosie had basically been sick since October 21. All of us came down with a pretty brutal cold that weekend, and then Noah, Rosie, and I got pink eye. Right as we recovered from the last of the cold symptoms, we got the stomach bug. Ross and Noah had about 24 hours of discomfort, but Rosie and I had a solid week. I woke up that day in mid-November with a high fever and body aches that were so awful, I could barely walk. I hadn't even gotten the GI symptoms yet! Thankfully my mom was still in town. She was just about to leave after helping out over the weekend, but instead she was able to take Noah to school and hold Rosie while I slept and then went to the doctor. Aunt Karen came over later to hold Rosie, too. I've been sick a lot in the past year, but that Tuesday I was just truly incapacitated. Rosie started throwing up that afternoon, and continued to do so for the next 4 days! Days 2 and 3, she was basically projective vomiting after most of her feeds, and we were watching wet diapers to make sure she didn't have to go to the ER. At once point, she only had 2 wet diapers in 24 hours, which was fairly scary for a 3 month old. I had the fever and body aches for 4 days, and then finally got the GI symptoms right before leaving town for Thanksgiving.
So we were all healthy for about 2 days, and then... RSV hit. Noah stayed in Omaha for a few days after Thanksgiving, and came back with the sniffles. They very quickly progressed into him sleeping for hours and hours one Sunday, which is completely unlike him. He also had a high fever and I had a really bad feeling about it. Sure enough, Rosie started to get sick later that day. We were all congested and exhausted by Sunday night. Rosie's RR was in the 60s, so I FaceTimed my dad for some triage. We decided to just take her to the pediatrician first thing in the morning, which was good because he had a RR of 65 and temp of 101 overnight and I had to suction her a few times.
At the pediatrician on Monday, Rosie's O2 sats were 95-96%, HR 136, and RR 56. She was having some very minor retractions though, so they did do an RSV swab. It came back positive, and they gave us a script for the Respiratory Outpatient Clinic at the children's hospital. I took it but kind of shrugged it off. We'd been using the Nose Frida with decent success. By Tuesday morning, Rosie was either lethargic or fussy-- never engaged and happy like she'd been with previous illnesses. She didn't pee overnight, and her morning RR was 80 with some pretty noticeable subcostal retractions.
By 9am Tuesday morning, I knew she needed more suctioning and care than I was able to provide at home, so I drove her to the ROC. I was so stressed, and basically prepped for the worst, expecting to get admitted. Noah even drew a sweet little picture and rolled it up and put it into Rosie's hand before we left! Turns out, that the ROC doesn't even have a doctor, and they don't really triage. So they deep suctioned her (wow-- so hard to watch even though I've done it to smaller babies before at work), and sent us on our way with a RR of 43 and sats at 98%. The RT told me that days 4-5 of RSV are the worst, and this was the morning of day 4. She seemed more comfortable, albeit still pale and sleepy. Meanwhile, though, she just wasn't staying hydrated even though I was feeding her often. (Probably a combo between a fever, insensible water loss with such fast breathing, and just not eating well because she was so congested). She'd only had one wet diaper in 12 hours, so the pediatrician said if she didn't have 2 more by bedtime, she'd need to go into the ER. But by 2pm, she seemed happier and more active, had eaten 3oz pumped milk by bottle, and peed and pooped once.
At this point, we were all so sick. Noah was over the lethargic phase, but I was exhausted. All of us had fluid behind our ears and tons of congestion, so he'd say something, I'd respond (losing my voice), and he'd go, "what'd you say?" All day it was a constant cycle of, "why? what? what did you say? why? what? what did you say?" Aunt Theresa brought us dinner that night, which was SO SO appreciated. But seeing Rose through another person's eyes made me realize just how sick and sad she looked. Sadly, she was looking worse again after a 4 hour nap!!! RR 90, temp 100.9. She peed and pooped again, so we avoided the ER by a 5 hour margin! But she was retracting even more, and still had a RR of 80 an hour after Tylenol (aka not just breathing fast because of a fever) so we went back to the ROC. And the second visit was so much more stressful! We'd been the only ones there at 10am, but at 7pm, the waiting room was packed with sick babies. An hour and a half later, we finally got back to a room. RR 54 O2 sats 95%. After suctioning sats went up to 100% so we went home. That night, though, was rough.
I suctioned Rosie before bed, but in the middle of the night, she was so miserable. She wouldn't take Tylenol, she had refused bottles since her second round of deep suctioning, but was tiring easily at the breast, and she was working so hard to breathe. It was awful. I allllmost took her in then, but I was able to get her to sleep and I slept lightly while holding her . At 6am, her temp was 101.8, RR 80+, so we got ready to head to the ROC first thing. Thankfully she was still drooling, and her fontanelle felt normal, but I was afraid that if the respiratory symptoms didn't admit her, the dehydration would. At the ROC, they suctioned again, but she was already retracting so much by the time we got to the car. I called my dad to discuss options, I drove through at eCafe to grab a treat, some coffee, and some food for lunch, and drove back to the ER and walked in with my baby, which I had yet to do in 3.5 years of parenting.
Rosie ended up staying in the hospital for 3 nights and 4 days. It was hard. Really hard. Even though I knew she was going to be fine and it could've been so much worse! But sleeping 3 hours a night, being super sick myself, nursing and pumping and not being able to feed the pumped milk due to an oral aversion from all the suctioning. The first time they weaned her off her IV fluid, she was running too dry and they almost gave her an NG tube. Thankfully, we avoided that and just did fluids for another 24 hours and tried again. The third night, they went back and forth on discharge 3 times. They decided to keep her, so I went home for a real shower and a change of clothes, and Ross called at 10pm saying the new resident said we could go. By that point, I said I wanted to stay overnight because it was already so late.
The things that surprised me most about this whole series of events:
1. The reassurance I felt when my mom gut was validated. I knew she was getting admitted when I walked into the ER.
2. The relief I felt when they did admit her. I only slept 3 hours a night in the hospital, but I slept better than I had been at home, because she was on monitors and I knew I wasn't the only person responsible for knowing if she was having too much trouble breathing.
3. I thought I'd have time to read, so I brought books. This was shockingly not true at all! I did read for an hour one night, and I loved this quote from Lisa Jo-Baker's intro to a book called Anchored:
"I'm constantly surrounded by the fact that we consider motherhood 'ordinary.' When it's outrageous in its courage. When it, quite literally, bleeds life from the giver. Bleeds prayers and tears and blessings and terrible, holy faith. When it opens our eyes to the majesty of the world we have no control over, reminding us how vulnerable we are and how parenting is this living, breathing parable of surrendering control to the God who had the whole world in his hands all along. We just hadn't stopped to notice until we became mothers and discovered that most of what happens to our kids and our own bodies is entirely outside our control."
This so perfectly captures this season of sickness for me. Being a mother makes me more vulnerable, and I will fiercely protect my little ones and run myself into the ground doing so. But God is reminding me that he loves us, too. He bleeds for us, he cries for us, and he, unlike me, is actually in control.
Tuesday, December 12, 2017
Wednesday, November 1, 2017
October in Review
October in the Midwest seems to be the March in reverse: in like a lamb, out like a lion. We started the month with a sunny, sweaty walk to the park, and ended it with flurries in the forecast and weather too cold to take a baby trick or treating. The changing seasons get me every time, and nothing marks the stark passage of time quite like having a baby. They change overnight, they grow like weeds, and before you know it, you baby is in her fourth month of life and you haven't quite caught up with all the ways life has changed in the past few months. In fact, in the past few days, I've been able to step outside myself a little bit (so much of my day is lived so UP CLOSE) and find myself incredulous that I have TWO KIDS. I'm, like, a grownup.
I have an app called Timehop, and every morning it shows me pictures that I took on that day as far back as 10-11 years! It's just been killing me for the past few weeks. We moved to Kansas City 8 years ago, we moved to a bigger apartment in the same complex 7 years ago. 5 years ago, I was working in the NICU, going to grad school, and teaching clinicals. I took a picture of my new planner, noting that "2013 is going to be a good year. Hard, but good." Little did I know that I'd be changing jobs, hating it, going through a really dark season, traveling to Canada, traveling to Haiti, traveling to Slovenia, and getting pregnant that year!
Four years ago, I was newly pregnant and took a picture of the bright orange tree in our apartment complex that I fell in love with every fall, musing, "I wonder where we will be next year..."
Three years ago, I was navigating life as a new mom in a new-to-us, under-construction house, dreading winter.
Two years ago, I was grappling with the repercussions of a surprise pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage.
Last year, I felt the most normal I'd felt in years: pelvic pain was more or less resolved, I was no longer breastfeeding, Noah was potty-trained and sleeping through the night, and I felt at home in my body, comfortable with our routines, secure in my relationships, and a nagging feeling that someone was missing from the picture.
So in the past year, we went through a full pregnancy and delivery and now here were are at the fall festival again, as a family of FOUR. The side-by-side comparison just blows my mind. So much has happened in a year!
When we found out we were having a "little but lively" sister bear of our own, I knew we had to be Berenstain Bears for Halloween this year. Noah was over the moon about this, and they both looked completely adorable in their costumes. Unfortunately, we were sick the day of the festival, so we didn't stay long at all. (Spoiler alert: It was the beginning of months and months of sickness). But, this is life now and I love these two little cubs.
I have an app called Timehop, and every morning it shows me pictures that I took on that day as far back as 10-11 years! It's just been killing me for the past few weeks. We moved to Kansas City 8 years ago, we moved to a bigger apartment in the same complex 7 years ago. 5 years ago, I was working in the NICU, going to grad school, and teaching clinicals. I took a picture of my new planner, noting that "2013 is going to be a good year. Hard, but good." Little did I know that I'd be changing jobs, hating it, going through a really dark season, traveling to Canada, traveling to Haiti, traveling to Slovenia, and getting pregnant that year!
Four years ago, I was newly pregnant and took a picture of the bright orange tree in our apartment complex that I fell in love with every fall, musing, "I wonder where we will be next year..."
Three years ago, I was navigating life as a new mom in a new-to-us, under-construction house, dreading winter.
Two years ago, I was grappling with the repercussions of a surprise pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage.
Last year, I felt the most normal I'd felt in years: pelvic pain was more or less resolved, I was no longer breastfeeding, Noah was potty-trained and sleeping through the night, and I felt at home in my body, comfortable with our routines, secure in my relationships, and a nagging feeling that someone was missing from the picture.
So in the past year, we went through a full pregnancy and delivery and now here were are at the fall festival again, as a family of FOUR. The side-by-side comparison just blows my mind. So much has happened in a year!
When we found out we were having a "little but lively" sister bear of our own, I knew we had to be Berenstain Bears for Halloween this year. Noah was over the moon about this, and they both looked completely adorable in their costumes. Unfortunately, we were sick the day of the festival, so we didn't stay long at all. (Spoiler alert: It was the beginning of months and months of sickness). But, this is life now and I love these two little cubs.
Thursday, October 26, 2017
Three Months and Finding a New Normal
I cannot believe Rosie is a three month old. The difference between 8 weeks and 12 weeks is so drastic! I no longer have a newborn, but an awake, alert, wiggly little baby. I'm surprised at some of the newborn things I'd forgotten: those early days when they can't even purposefully move their arms so sometimes they just hang down at their sides while the baby stares into your eyes. Can you imagine not being able to control anything but your eyes or your cries? Their sweet trust and vulnerability gets to me every time.
Then we hit that fun stage where Rosie found her arms overnight, and any time we laid her on her back for about two weeks, she would just have her arms straight up in front of her, waving those little fists around, in awe that they've apparently been there the whole time. Then she spent a few days grabbing her shirt and kind of pulling it away from her body, as she experimented with what her arms could do. And now those chubby little fists have found their way to her mouth, and she's a drooly, slobbery little puddle who is trying her darnedest to sit up on her own. She's solidly in her 6 month clothes now, and it's so hard to remember that she's still a pretty tiny baby on the inside. Slow down, baby!
It's so fun to learn her different cries, too. The "pay attention to me" cry, the "I'm so tired, why aren't you putting me to bed" cry, the "I'm hungry" cry, the "I'm ticked" cry... and they're all just so so sweet. It breaks my heart that Noah mostly had an "I'm in pain" cry thanks to his reflux. The perils of being the oldest child-- I just didn't know what I didn't know when he was little! I hate that he had to suffer through that, and I will always mourn the "typical" newborn experience that he and I missed out on. But I love that we had so much Mama/Noah time to bond and connect as he got older. It's so interesting doing all of this newborn mothering the second time around. It gives me a chance to do things differently, but I'm also learning that babies themselves are so different right off the bat, and much of it (LIKE SLEEP) isn't a reflection of me as a parent.
Today I did my first postpartum Barre3 workout. I got cleared for exercise and physical therapy at 6 weeks, although I was taking 2-3 mile walks with the double stroller a few times a week starting around 4-5 weeks, because toddlers who don't want to nap in their beds are more apt to nap in the stroller! (It was kind of a bummer to come home with two well-rested kids while I, meanwhile, was exhausted and sore and all kinds of sweaty. But rested kids are WORTH IT.)
Sadly, those walks have fallen by the wayside in the past few weeks, as sleep patterns and weather patterns change. I'm reminding myself over and over again that change is the only constant in these early days. And I'd say I've been riding with it pretty well and giving myself a lot of grace up until the last week or two. I'm starting to crave routine, schedules, some semblance of normalcy. Even though Rosie isn't colicky (praise the Lord), she's still a baby! Sometimes she doesn't like to fall back asleep after eating at 3am. Sometimes she doesn't want to close her tired little eyes during Noah's rare afternoon naps. She still has witching hour when she's overtired in the evening. We still can't manage to all sit down to dinner together.
Everything changes at such a rapid pace right now, that a routine that worked well one week doesn't even begin to work the next week. I'm still figuring things out day by day. Don't even get me started on the toddler wanting to get out of the house, and the baby no longer falling asleep willy nilly while we are out and about. As with Noah, that 4-6 week developmental leap caught me by surprise with Rosie. My cuddly little newborn suddenly had opinions and didn't want to sleep all day every day. I found that right when the meal train ended and people stopped treating me like a freshly postpartum mom, is when I almost needed more support. The world thinks you're over it, but you're still recovering AND now your baby doesn't want to sleep all day AND your toddler is thoroughly sick of being home-bound. It's a rough transition.
But now we've kind of muddled our way through that. Rosie is showing signs of maybe wanting to be on a schedule, so I'm trying to figure out a good balance of getting out versus staying in. I'm crazy grateful that leaving the house and abandoning the ideal routine doesn't send me into a panic like it did when I was a first-time mom, but let's be real: it's still stressful and I'd prefer not to do it. And I'm starting to see that Noah needs some concrete interaction with me when we do stay home, because expecting him to entertain himself all morning doesn't cut it.
So here we are, in the in-between. I feel more normal, but I don't look normal and I can't fit into my old clothes. I crave balanced meals, quiet alone time, and exercise, but I can't quite make it a reality when I'm needed from 5:30am-9pm, and usually at least once or twice beyond that, too. I am a mom to a three year old and a mom to a three month old, but I'm not sure how to be both at once. And even in this season-between-seasons, I have to make myself stop and pause, because it's so so beautiful, and I don't want to wish it away. As Lisa-Jo Baker says, "mothers never want it to be over. Even the hard stuff. They may want it to stop. They may want to find room to breathe, to weep, to panic. But they don't want it to end-- this delivering, shaping, cheering, loving, bringing life into the world."
My hands are full, but so is my heart.
Then we hit that fun stage where Rosie found her arms overnight, and any time we laid her on her back for about two weeks, she would just have her arms straight up in front of her, waving those little fists around, in awe that they've apparently been there the whole time. Then she spent a few days grabbing her shirt and kind of pulling it away from her body, as she experimented with what her arms could do. And now those chubby little fists have found their way to her mouth, and she's a drooly, slobbery little puddle who is trying her darnedest to sit up on her own. She's solidly in her 6 month clothes now, and it's so hard to remember that she's still a pretty tiny baby on the inside. Slow down, baby!
It's so fun to learn her different cries, too. The "pay attention to me" cry, the "I'm so tired, why aren't you putting me to bed" cry, the "I'm hungry" cry, the "I'm ticked" cry... and they're all just so so sweet. It breaks my heart that Noah mostly had an "I'm in pain" cry thanks to his reflux. The perils of being the oldest child-- I just didn't know what I didn't know when he was little! I hate that he had to suffer through that, and I will always mourn the "typical" newborn experience that he and I missed out on. But I love that we had so much Mama/Noah time to bond and connect as he got older. It's so interesting doing all of this newborn mothering the second time around. It gives me a chance to do things differently, but I'm also learning that babies themselves are so different right off the bat, and much of it (LIKE SLEEP) isn't a reflection of me as a parent.
Today I did my first postpartum Barre3 workout. I got cleared for exercise and physical therapy at 6 weeks, although I was taking 2-3 mile walks with the double stroller a few times a week starting around 4-5 weeks, because toddlers who don't want to nap in their beds are more apt to nap in the stroller! (It was kind of a bummer to come home with two well-rested kids while I, meanwhile, was exhausted and sore and all kinds of sweaty. But rested kids are WORTH IT.)
Sadly, those walks have fallen by the wayside in the past few weeks, as sleep patterns and weather patterns change. I'm reminding myself over and over again that change is the only constant in these early days. And I'd say I've been riding with it pretty well and giving myself a lot of grace up until the last week or two. I'm starting to crave routine, schedules, some semblance of normalcy. Even though Rosie isn't colicky (praise the Lord), she's still a baby! Sometimes she doesn't like to fall back asleep after eating at 3am. Sometimes she doesn't want to close her tired little eyes during Noah's rare afternoon naps. She still has witching hour when she's overtired in the evening. We still can't manage to all sit down to dinner together.
Everything changes at such a rapid pace right now, that a routine that worked well one week doesn't even begin to work the next week. I'm still figuring things out day by day. Don't even get me started on the toddler wanting to get out of the house, and the baby no longer falling asleep willy nilly while we are out and about. As with Noah, that 4-6 week developmental leap caught me by surprise with Rosie. My cuddly little newborn suddenly had opinions and didn't want to sleep all day every day. I found that right when the meal train ended and people stopped treating me like a freshly postpartum mom, is when I almost needed more support. The world thinks you're over it, but you're still recovering AND now your baby doesn't want to sleep all day AND your toddler is thoroughly sick of being home-bound. It's a rough transition.
But now we've kind of muddled our way through that. Rosie is showing signs of maybe wanting to be on a schedule, so I'm trying to figure out a good balance of getting out versus staying in. I'm crazy grateful that leaving the house and abandoning the ideal routine doesn't send me into a panic like it did when I was a first-time mom, but let's be real: it's still stressful and I'd prefer not to do it. And I'm starting to see that Noah needs some concrete interaction with me when we do stay home, because expecting him to entertain himself all morning doesn't cut it.
So here we are, in the in-between. I feel more normal, but I don't look normal and I can't fit into my old clothes. I crave balanced meals, quiet alone time, and exercise, but I can't quite make it a reality when I'm needed from 5:30am-9pm, and usually at least once or twice beyond that, too. I am a mom to a three year old and a mom to a three month old, but I'm not sure how to be both at once. And even in this season-between-seasons, I have to make myself stop and pause, because it's so so beautiful, and I don't want to wish it away. As Lisa-Jo Baker says, "mothers never want it to be over. Even the hard stuff. They may want it to stop. They may want to find room to breathe, to weep, to panic. But they don't want it to end-- this delivering, shaping, cheering, loving, bringing life into the world."
My hands are full, but so is my heart.
Sunday, October 15, 2017
Recipes I Want to Make: Fall Edition
Maple Potato Bacon Hash
Pumpkin Bread (made with all-purpose GF flour)
Pumpkin Oatmeal Cookies (made with oat flour)
Thanksgiving Panzanella This looks SO warm, comforting, and nourishing!
Shrimp Curry Noodle Bowls
Coconut Flour Banana Bread
Linguine with Shrimp Scampi
Tahini and Soba Noodle Salad
Coffee Pecan Oat Squares SO GOOD
Pumpkin Bread (made with all-purpose GF flour)
Pumpkin Oatmeal Cookies (made with oat flour)
Thanksgiving Panzanella This looks SO warm, comforting, and nourishing!
Shrimp Curry Noodle Bowls
Coconut Flour Banana Bread
Linguine with Shrimp Scampi
Tahini and Soba Noodle Salad
Coffee Pecan Oat Squares SO GOOD
Sunday, September 24, 2017
MOMCON 2017
I took a leap of faith and signed up to go to MOMcon with an 8 week old. I was ridiculously proud of myself and Rosie the whole weekend. It was a little stressful, because she was emerging from the sleepy newborn stage and was too fussy for me to sit through every session. But I was so paralyzed with anxiety as a brand new mom that getting out of the house the second time around always feels like a huge victory! I threw the schedule out the door, let her nap in the carrier or the stroller, nursed in public, and... survived.
While I was packing for the weekend, Noah was also throwing stuff in the suitcase for Rosie. Namely, a digger truck that's as big as she is, crayons, and a coloring book. Most thoughtful brother ever. The love goes both ways. We facetimed the boys one evening, and Rosie smiled when she saw Noah!
There were some tears and some anxiety, to be sure. Poor Ross had to field a few panicked phone calls when I felt like I'd gotten in over my head. The trickiest part was getting back to the hotel room with an overtired baby and needing to shower and get ready for bed without any help, since everyone else was out being social. (Although Rosie was magical and slept from 10pm-5am both nights!) I'm SO glad I went. The nursing mom area was quiet and restful, the speakers were encouraging, and the praise and worship was such a balm for my frazzled and insecure soul.
I took a few notes for MOPS friends who couldn't attend, and I want to save them for myself, too.
Ann Voskamp gave a talk based on the concept of her latest book, The Broken Way. Here's what stood out to me:
While I was packing for the weekend, Noah was also throwing stuff in the suitcase for Rosie. Namely, a digger truck that's as big as she is, crayons, and a coloring book. Most thoughtful brother ever. The love goes both ways. We facetimed the boys one evening, and Rosie smiled when she saw Noah!
There were some tears and some anxiety, to be sure. Poor Ross had to field a few panicked phone calls when I felt like I'd gotten in over my head. The trickiest part was getting back to the hotel room with an overtired baby and needing to shower and get ready for bed without any help, since everyone else was out being social. (Although Rosie was magical and slept from 10pm-5am both nights!) I'm SO glad I went. The nursing mom area was quiet and restful, the speakers were encouraging, and the praise and worship was such a balm for my frazzled and insecure soul.
I took a few notes for MOPS friends who couldn't attend, and I want to save them for myself, too.
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Ann Voskamp gave a talk based on the concept of her latest book, The Broken Way. Here's what stood out to me:
-Sometimes in motherhood, it goes dark. Fly by the light of the instruments on the hard days. (Instruments = the Bible and God's promises therein.)
-Whatever you've done, you can't wreck your life of your motherhood, because Christ's love is unstoppable.
-The only sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit. Mother ducks line their nest with feathers from their breast, not with scrap feathers and leftovers. We are called to do the same, and this is only possible in Christ. Real mothering doesn't always feel like you're really living. Sometimes it can feel like you're really kind of dying. Hard things don't mean you aren't doing the right thing.
-The moment at which we are most repelled by our child's behavior is when we need to draw close to them and love them.
-Hug them at every meal so they are emotionally fed as well as physically fed.
-God's Word never goes away, passes away, or falls away-- but it is always given to show us the Way. You will be able to handle your world as well as you handle His Word.
-The parent must ALWAYS self-preach before child-teach.
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Here's my summary of the Making Play a Meaningful Experience workshop. The teacher encouraged one hour of playing WITH your child per day, which is a huge struggle for me, but something I can work toward!
-IF YOU AND YOUR CHILD ARE ENGAGED, MOTIVATED, AND HAVING FUN, you are doing a good job playing!
-Types of play: sensory, manipulative, construction, grow motor, dramatic, art, music, books, games with rules.
-Benefits of play: social and emotional connections, seeing the perspectives of others, enables a range of thinking skills, practice of academic skills, fosters confidence and control, ignites imagination and creation, and is fun!
-I am the protector of play-- I should not be using screens to distract myself or my child during play time.
-I am the observer of play-- I get to watch my child's interests and talents develop, and observe what types of activity my child prefers and why (kids need play to be a little bit challenging so as not to bore them, but not too challenging so as to frustrate them).
-I am a co-player, which means I:
a. model attitude-- curiosity and motivation ("I wonder why..."), thoughtful actions, withheld judgment, failure is okay, change and grow
b. support positive social skills (turn-taking, collaboration, point of view and feelings, being a good sport)
c. build strategic thinking skills (comment on successes, ask questions like, "what/how/why? what would happen if?" and review what worked)
d. build language (new vocabulary for familiar concepts i.e. "this tower is gigantic" vs "this tower is big", compare opinions or viewpoints to build conversation skills, encourage asking questions)
e. support development and learning (introduce new concepts and skills, apply science, math, and reading skills)
f. have fun! (Play is NOT teaching, even though much learning happens-- any teaching that occurs should be informal and fun)
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I went to (and loved) the talk on Chasing Slow by Erin Loechner. My notes are spotty because baby was getting pretty fussy. She made a few really good points I was bummed I didn't catch!
Here's what I got:
-Burnout = refinement; the good comes from the hard; but you do need to distinguish between the trials God grants us versus those we put on ourselves.
-To slow down you life, slow down your day. You don't have to know how you'll fill however many years you have left, but you can decide how you're going to fill your day.
-When my identity is in being a child of God, a bad day is just a bad day.
-The opposite of control isn't chaos, it's surrender.
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And here's my summary of the workshop on Emotions and Young Children by David Thomas:
-Feelings are just feelings-- not good or bad in themselves.
-ABCs of Emotional Development:
A. Reading Emotions-- Use a feelings chart to develop an emotional vocabulary in your household and model that language as parents. Make sure you're expression is congruent with your words (don't yell, "I'm not mad at you...")
B. Regulating Emotions-- Misery loves company. Anchoring is when a child tries to drag you down with them, and of course mom is usually the anchor of choice. Our job is to redirect or take the emotion in a different direction (this is NOT the same as invalidating the emotion, avoiding it, or numbing it). David recommends having a space and a list of 5 ways to deal with emotions. This space shouldn't be the same as their time-out space, and especially if you have boys, at least 3 of the 5 options need to involve movement, and none of the options should be screens or food. Know your child and their age and preferences. This spot can contain a punching bag, a journal, coloring pages, trampoline, etc.
C. Responding to Emotions with Empathy-- Use reflective statements ("what I hear you saying, is that you're nervous about going to this birthday party.") Practice conversations or whatever scenario they're nervous about. Practice conversational reciprocity (at dinner, when mom asks how your day was, you also ask her how her day was).
A. Reading Emotions-- Use a feelings chart to develop an emotional vocabulary in your household and model that language as parents. Make sure you're expression is congruent with your words (don't yell, "I'm not mad at you...")
B. Regulating Emotions-- Misery loves company. Anchoring is when a child tries to drag you down with them, and of course mom is usually the anchor of choice. Our job is to redirect or take the emotion in a different direction (this is NOT the same as invalidating the emotion, avoiding it, or numbing it). David recommends having a space and a list of 5 ways to deal with emotions. This space shouldn't be the same as their time-out space, and especially if you have boys, at least 3 of the 5 options need to involve movement, and none of the options should be screens or food. Know your child and their age and preferences. This spot can contain a punching bag, a journal, coloring pages, trampoline, etc.
C. Responding to Emotions with Empathy-- Use reflective statements ("what I hear you saying, is that you're nervous about going to this birthday party.") Practice conversations or whatever scenario they're nervous about. Practice conversational reciprocity (at dinner, when mom asks how your day was, you also ask her how her day was).
-These are never quick fixes. It takes years to develop this, and with some kids, you have to labor longer. Practice makes progress!
-Keep in mind that temperament does affect your child's emotional journey (introvert vs. extrovert). For your introverted child, avoid saying they're shy. Instead, frame things positively. They are cautions, observant, intuitive. They have a spider-sense where they can sense, see, and hear things that other people can't.
-Ideas for further emotional development:
Games (Chit Chat or Table Topic cards at dinner. Ask the questions and also have them ask you back.)
Books (He recommended a kids' book called Owen, and a juvenile fiction book called Wonder.)
Media (Watch Pixar movies with your child, and pause them to ask, "What's he feeling? What is he about to do?)
Games (Chit Chat or Table Topic cards at dinner. Ask the questions and also have them ask you back.)
Books (He recommended a kids' book called Owen, and a juvenile fiction book called Wonder.)
Media (Watch Pixar movies with your child, and pause them to ask, "What's he feeling? What is he about to do?)
If you're really interested in this, I actually listened him to talk about really similar concepts in a podcast a few months ago. You can find the podcast here, as well as a link to a feelings chart you can print:
http://godcenteredmom.com/…/emotional-milestones-sissy-gof…/
http://godcenteredmom.com/…/emotional-milestones-sissy-gof…/
-----
Two songs really stood out to me, too.
I needed to remember, "I have this hope/ In the depths of my soul/ In the flood or the fire/ You're with me and you won't let go."
And this closing song was all worship:
"Hear the Word, roaring as thunder
With a new future to tell
For the dry season is over
There is a cloud, beginning to swell
For the dry season is over
There is a cloud, beginning to swell
To the skies, heavy with blessing
Lift your eyes, offer your heart
Jesus Christ, opened the heavens
Now we receive, the Spirit of God
Lift your eyes, offer your heart
Jesus Christ, opened the heavens
Now we receive, the Spirit of God
We receive Your rain"
Tuesday, September 5, 2017
On the Eve of 6 Weeks
It's funny, I felt so sane and present the first few weeks after we brought Rosie home, and swore my memories would be crystal clear, but now it's already all a blur. I cannot believe my sweet little newborn is going to be 6 weeks old tomorrow. The past two weeks, she's been much more awake and alert, she gains more head control every day, she's tracking with her eyes and thinking about reaching for things with her hands, and she's even rolled over once! I swear I got some intentional smiles in the first two weeks, but I can tell we are really close to seeing some social smiles now, and I can't wait.
In the meantime, I don't know how to handle the 6 week milestone. This is probably further exacerbated by the fact that I'm pretty sure sister is pushing 12 pounds already. She doesn't look like a newborn! The passage of time is always so bittersweet. The first few weeks, I just love telling people, "oh, she's 2... 3... 4 weeks old" when they ask. Those first few golden weeks pass like pearls threaded on a chain. So perfect and unique and individual. But then around weeks 5 and 6, they start to blur together. Time speeds up. And as much as it makes me want to cry, I know that in no time, the weeks will be scattered around me like beads spilling onto the floor. Each one rich with history, but in a hurry to pile on top of each other in a chaotic mess.
I was so intentional about my postpartum experience this time, which is another post on its own. But I'd seen so much about really protecting the first 40 days and making recovery a priority. I did really well for the first 3 weeks. Less well for the second three weeks. And now that the 40 days have passed, now what?
I feel like the world was ready for me to be back on my feet by 2-3 weeks. For the most part, I was able to avoid that temptation, but now it's harder to say no. I see two lactation clients this week because we desperately need the money for all of our hospital bills. I'm feeling silly turning down playdate invitations, even while I worry about my friendships moving on without me. While I struggle to grasp the fleeting days of babyhood, the world spins on and I'm starting to get overwhelmed!
So I sit here trying to burn present scenes into my memory: the way Rosie's eyes flutter as she's falling asleep. The delicious rolls on her legs. The little routine we have where she cluster feeds at 5, 6:30, and 8pm and then sleeps until 2:30am, and then goes back to sleep until brother's morning shenanigans cause her to stir. Her sweet little smell. The way she stretches when she first wakes up. The way she trusts me implicitly. The way Noah reports: sister's crying, sister's bless-you-ing (sneezing), sister's hungry again!
Every day I fail in a million ways, but I hope my babies always know how much I love them, how intensely I want to be present for their early days, and how much I need Jesus to fill in the gaps when I fail to meet my own expectations.
In the meantime, I don't know how to handle the 6 week milestone. This is probably further exacerbated by the fact that I'm pretty sure sister is pushing 12 pounds already. She doesn't look like a newborn! The passage of time is always so bittersweet. The first few weeks, I just love telling people, "oh, she's 2... 3... 4 weeks old" when they ask. Those first few golden weeks pass like pearls threaded on a chain. So perfect and unique and individual. But then around weeks 5 and 6, they start to blur together. Time speeds up. And as much as it makes me want to cry, I know that in no time, the weeks will be scattered around me like beads spilling onto the floor. Each one rich with history, but in a hurry to pile on top of each other in a chaotic mess.
I was so intentional about my postpartum experience this time, which is another post on its own. But I'd seen so much about really protecting the first 40 days and making recovery a priority. I did really well for the first 3 weeks. Less well for the second three weeks. And now that the 40 days have passed, now what?
I feel like the world was ready for me to be back on my feet by 2-3 weeks. For the most part, I was able to avoid that temptation, but now it's harder to say no. I see two lactation clients this week because we desperately need the money for all of our hospital bills. I'm feeling silly turning down playdate invitations, even while I worry about my friendships moving on without me. While I struggle to grasp the fleeting days of babyhood, the world spins on and I'm starting to get overwhelmed!
So I sit here trying to burn present scenes into my memory: the way Rosie's eyes flutter as she's falling asleep. The delicious rolls on her legs. The little routine we have where she cluster feeds at 5, 6:30, and 8pm and then sleeps until 2:30am, and then goes back to sleep until brother's morning shenanigans cause her to stir. Her sweet little smell. The way she stretches when she first wakes up. The way she trusts me implicitly. The way Noah reports: sister's crying, sister's bless-you-ing (sneezing), sister's hungry again!
Every day I fail in a million ways, but I hope my babies always know how much I love them, how intensely I want to be present for their early days, and how much I need Jesus to fill in the gaps when I fail to meet my own expectations.
Sunday, August 13, 2017
Recipes I Want to Make: Late Summer Edition
Here are some recipes that I've had hanging out on my phone for the past few weeks. But let's be honest... I'm not going to be raring to go in the kitchen for a little while still. So in the meantime, I'll dream of these dishes!
Chocolate Peanut Butter Tart-- after feeling apathetic about chocolate for most of pregnancy, peanut butter with a little bit of chocolate sounds so good now!
Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Balls-- I've made and bought a lot of energy ball type treats over the years, but the Hail Merry Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Bites I tried recently are possibly the best yet. This is supposed to be a copycat recipe, and I can't wait to try it.
Key Lime Pie-- I was talking about the Florida Keys recently, and it made me crave a trip to the ocean. Maybe making this would be the next best thing?
Cherry + Almond Butter Caramel Bars-- Cherries have been soooo good this season!
Peanut Butter and Jelly Breakfast Cookies-- I actually do need to make these soon. I've been eating lots of oatmeal muffins and breakfast cookies for breakfast lately because they're just so easy, and oatmeal is good for milk supply!
Lemon Bundt Cake-- I haven't ventured into from-scratch gluten free cake-baking too much, but this looks like a good place to start!
S'mores Icebox Cake-- seriously looks like summer in a bowl.
Brownie Icebox Cake-- because summer is the only time of the year when I don't mind eating cold food.
Blackberry + Chocolate Ganache Cake
Coconut + Almond Flour Banana Bread-- this cooler weather makes me feel like fall baking is already upon us!
Cold-Brewed Iced Coffee-- I actually have made this a few times, and it's my favorite version thus far. (I don't dilute it as much as they say to, though.)
Crispy Salmon Burrito Bowls-- I'm not ONLY craving desserts right now. This bowl sounds phenomenal!
Blackberry Basil Smash Sandwiches-- I actually think these would still taste pretty good in a GF/DF version, with either Kite Hill Cream Cheese or Myokos Creamery Mozzarella for the cheese and Kim & Jake's artisan sandwich loaf for the bread!
Vegan Caprese Panini-- perfectly in season right now!
How to cook boneless skinless chicken breasts-- I always need new ideas for chicken!
Tahini Marinated Chicken Thighs with Cucumber Tomato Salad-- sounds like a nice change from typical BBQ menus.
Asian Beef and Cabbage-- for something different.
21 Chicken Breast Recipes Made for Meal Prep-- I want to be better at meal prep this year, so evenings are more calm around here!
Chocolate Peanut Butter Tart-- after feeling apathetic about chocolate for most of pregnancy, peanut butter with a little bit of chocolate sounds so good now!
Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Balls-- I've made and bought a lot of energy ball type treats over the years, but the Hail Merry Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Bites I tried recently are possibly the best yet. This is supposed to be a copycat recipe, and I can't wait to try it.
Key Lime Pie-- I was talking about the Florida Keys recently, and it made me crave a trip to the ocean. Maybe making this would be the next best thing?
Cherry + Almond Butter Caramel Bars-- Cherries have been soooo good this season!
Peanut Butter and Jelly Breakfast Cookies-- I actually do need to make these soon. I've been eating lots of oatmeal muffins and breakfast cookies for breakfast lately because they're just so easy, and oatmeal is good for milk supply!
Lemon Bundt Cake-- I haven't ventured into from-scratch gluten free cake-baking too much, but this looks like a good place to start!
S'mores Icebox Cake-- seriously looks like summer in a bowl.
Brownie Icebox Cake-- because summer is the only time of the year when I don't mind eating cold food.
Blackberry + Chocolate Ganache Cake
Coconut + Almond Flour Banana Bread-- this cooler weather makes me feel like fall baking is already upon us!
Cold-Brewed Iced Coffee-- I actually have made this a few times, and it's my favorite version thus far. (I don't dilute it as much as they say to, though.)
Crispy Salmon Burrito Bowls-- I'm not ONLY craving desserts right now. This bowl sounds phenomenal!
Blackberry Basil Smash Sandwiches-- I actually think these would still taste pretty good in a GF/DF version, with either Kite Hill Cream Cheese or Myokos Creamery Mozzarella for the cheese and Kim & Jake's artisan sandwich loaf for the bread!
Vegan Caprese Panini-- perfectly in season right now!
How to cook boneless skinless chicken breasts-- I always need new ideas for chicken!
Tahini Marinated Chicken Thighs with Cucumber Tomato Salad-- sounds like a nice change from typical BBQ menus.
Asian Beef and Cabbage-- for something different.
21 Chicken Breast Recipes Made for Meal Prep-- I want to be better at meal prep this year, so evenings are more calm around here!
Sunday, July 30, 2017
39 Weeks: The smallest of magnificent things, and the greatest of little ones
Once again, I find myself belatedly writing and post-dating my 39 week "pregnancy update" with a birth story. And once again, labor was nothing like I expected. Having been through it once, I thought I knew how things would go. Rationally, I knew it wouldn't be exactly the same as last time, but I figured it would essentially be a sped up version. As the due date drew closer, I started having some anxiety about when exactly to consider labor "started," when to call for childcare help, when to go in to triage, etc. I had heard too many stories of second labors going incredibly quickly.
I had my 38 week appointment scheduled on a Tuesday, when I was technically 38.2. It was so hot that day, but I was DOING it. I'd nearly made it through the hottest summer we'd had in years, with a baby in my belly and a toddler in tow-- and the end was near! It's funny, with Noah I was NOT ready to be done being pregnant. I think God was gracious to me this time in making pregnancy much... less enjoyable. This time, all the sickness in the first half and all the discomfort in the second half made it easier to look forward to the day baby would be on the outside. Granted, I still miss a lot of things about being pregnant: the big kicks, all the sweet little wiggles that only I could feel, the belly that made all my clothes look cute, the comments from well-intentioned strangers, the ability to nap when my toddler napped. I do miss those things terribly in hindsight. I knew that I would, but as always you can't truly know until you're there. And now I know.
And now I know I was much more physically uncomfortable than I thought at the end, because the relief of not having a 7 pound 15 ounce baby in my belly was nearly instantaneous. But also, now knowing what I know about being a mom, the love was nearly instantaneous, too. The transition from one body to two still mystifies me beyond my ability to comprehend the magnitude of the miracle. I know its the same baby in there the whole time, but seeing their face for the first time is a whole new world of connection that you don't get even in the most intimate moments of pregnancy.
When I was binge watching Call the Midwife during one of my many illnesses over the winter, this quote stood out to me, "When a child is born, the world is altered in an instant. A new voice is heard, new love comes into being. Years later, we pause and say, 'Yes, that's when it all began, on that day in that room when I saw that face.' Birth is the smallest of magnificent things, and the greatest of little ones." I especially love that both of my babies were born on a Wednesday afternoon in room 3612, both with Vanessa as my doula and Jeane as my Midwife, and Ross as my biggest support, getting his hands squeezed off during the final, most painful contractions.
Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. I had Ross meet Noah and me at the Midwife's office that Tuesday. I wanted to talk through our plans for when labor started. I also had the Midwife check me, even though I know it means nothing (spoiler alert: now I REALLY know it means nothing)! But I thought, at least if I know I'm already dilated to 3-4cm, I have ZERO time to waste when contractions start. However, I was still just at 1cm and maybe 60% effaced. Essentially unchanged from 36 weeks. AND my Braxton-Hicks had even slowed down in the past week. So I left that appointment feeling really calm. Almost like I'd bought myself another week of pregnancy or something. I made plans to swim laps that weekend and finish the thank-yous from my baby shower. I also texted my Aunt Karen three different contingency plans based on our discussion with the Midwife. My aunt lives about 35 minutes away, and she was our top choice for watching Noah when labor started. Plan A was for her to come to our house when contractions kicked in. Plan B, if labor started at 7 or 8am, was for us to drop Noah off at his friend Alex's house on our way to the hospital, and my aunt would get him there after morning rush hour. Plan C was for us to meet my aunt at the hospital, with Noah in tow.
Plan D, apparently, was for my water to break and NOTHING to happen. Tuesday evening, a mere 5 hours after leaving the Midwife's office with new peace of mind, my water broke out of nowhere, with nary a contraction in sight. Not only did we have time for my aunt to make her way to our house, we also had time to eat dinner, tuck Noah in, take a short walk, AND greet my mom after her three hour drive from Omaha! Six hours after my water broke, I still wasn't having contractions-- just some uncomfortable cramping. Per the Midwife's recommendations, we headed into the hospital for intermittent monitoring overnight.
Now, this shook me up. It was perhaps less stressful than waiting for my aunt to arrive through painful contractions and precipitous labor, but it was incredibly stressful to me, given that it wasn't even in the realm of possibilities in my mind. I'd done this before: started labor on my own and progressed entirely normally and naturally. Why on EARTH would my body not remember how to do this a mere three years later?!
I don't know that I even really let my guard down to weep about it, but I should have. It might have made the long night less unpleasant. Instead, I held it all in with only occasional tears of frustration slipping out. Our wait in triage was anticlimactic and I was antsy to get into a room. But then the labor bed was shockingly uncomfortable-- clearly not made for sleep. And being monitored for 20 minutes out of every hour made sleep nearly impossible. Ross slept from about 0200-0500 in a nearby chair, and I slept-ish for about 20 minutes around 0400, I think. In hindsight, I should've just asked for continuous monitoring so the nurse wasn't coming and going every 30 minutes, but I craved those last few intervals of freedom. I knew that once the pitocin started (because even when we left our house, I knew it was WHEN and not IF they needed to start pitocin), I WOULD be on the monitor continuously. Until then, I wanted to walk down the hallway unhampered, with my hand on my belly, and feel those sweet kicks just a few more times.
At 0525 Wednesday morning, I took a lonely, tearful, bittersweet lap around the maternity floor, trying to wrap my head around what was to come. Sarah, the Midwife on call, came to check on me right after that walk. She'd been texting me through the night, which was a great comfort when I otherwise felt pretty alone and confused. I'm so grateful to her-- and to the fact that we used to work together at New Birth Company. Otherwise I certainly wouldn't have been texting with her like any old friend. But it was comforting to do that and not have to go through the answering service or the L and D nurses. She checked me and said that a night of cramping, walking, and tossing and turning had maybe nudged me to a 2-3cm and 80%. I think that was optimistic, given that an hour previous, the nurse had said I was still at a "loose 1cm." BUT this check got things moving a bit. More importantly, Sarah sat down and prayed with us, that God the Good Mechanic would give us peace that He knows how my body works, and that He is in control. We loved that.
Then Sarah went home and they had to monitor me for an hour before starting pitocin-- I actually started having some minor contractions during that hour. Then they started "a whiff" of pitocin at 0715 (2gtts/hour) and I think I tried to rest and do some Bible study for a bit. Romans 15:13 really stood out to me for the last few weeks of pregnancy, and while I was waiting for labor to start: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you amy overflow with hope by the power of the holy spirit." (Made more poignant by the fact that Hope, along with Anne and Rose, was one of our top name choices.)
They turned the pitocin up to 4gtts/hour around 0830, and at 0850 I texted my doula, Vanessa, "contractions are such that I'd be paying attention if I were at home." They weren't really painful yet, but they felt like actual contractions with a start and stop time, compared to just cramping.
Basically right after that text, Vanessa walked into the room and I was SO happy to see her! With Noah, we were escorted from the office to L and D and were never alone in the room thereafter-- it was a crazy 4 hours from 6cm to delivery, and my Midwife and doula were there the whole time. This time, we had to hurry up and WAIT which was unnerving. I'm so grateful we opted for a doula again, because once we saw her, she never left our sight until baby was born. Jeane, my Midwife, came in at some point in the morning, maybe when I was first getting into the tub? But then she left again for clinic, which was a little disheartening.
That first hour with Vanessa, I bounced on a birth ball and we chatted, I snacked, it was all pretty good. But things picked up QUICKLY after that. I don't think they ever turned the pitocin up again, and in fact at some point I think they turned it off, but once contractions started they were immediately painful! At the time, I thought it was because of the pitocin, but Sarah reminded me that I'd been awake all night, so I was already tired and my threshold was probably a bit lower. Then at my 2 week postpartum appointment, Jeane reminded me that I was contracting for my ENTIRE labor without a cushion of amniotic fluid! Last time my water didn't break until 7cm, which was a whole different ballgame! This time I didn't really get to ease into them. But just like last time, the tub felt incredible.
Laboring in the tub was good, but the intensity was still a little unnerving. Last time I remembered having these glorious breaks in between contractions, but this time they felt much closer together from the get-go. Last time, I made a labor playlist but didn't even get it out of my bag. This time, I had nothing prepared, but thankfully I'd charged and brought my old phone and we turned on my Worship playlist. The only songs I really remember hearing are "Lay My Burdens Down," which was really meaningful to me at this exact time last year, and "Good, Good Father" which was really meaningful to me the year before, when I was battling PPD while trying to wrap my head around a surprise pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. The other song I took note of was, "Lo, He Comes with Clouds Descending," which is a bit of a Christmas song in my head, but is a good reminder of how powerful God is. Of course, even the details of my little labor wouldn't escape him. He'd always known how this would go, and he had a reason for it.
Once I got out of the tub, I have no concept of time. I'm so curious to see Vanessa's timeline when she does my postpartum home visit, because it all starts to blend together for me. I just remember being anxious because everyone said I was getting close, yet the Midwife was nowhere to be seen, so how could I be THAT close? And if I wasn't THAT close, I couldn't possibly continue at this level of intensity. Even when she did get there to check me, I remember saying, "If I'm not at least 8cm, I want an epidural." I was only at 7cm when she checked me! I was devastated until Vanessa reminded me that I'd essentially gone from something like 3cm to 7cm in two hours, which might explain why it felt so miserable. But still, I was disheartened. I was laying in bed by that time, and I just felt overwhelmingly fatigued between every contraction. Like if they'd been even a little farther apart, I could've taken a cat nap then and there. Instead, they kept coming and coming and I swore I did NOT remember labor hurting this bad, and that I wanted an epidural next time, since clearly no one was going to take my request seriously this time. (Disclaimer: I had the baby less than an hour after asking for an epidural, so my birth team wasn't being cruel and ignoring me. They simply knew that I didn't actually have time to get an epidural that would do me an ounce of good.)
Probably less than 20 (miserable, nauseating, light-headed) contractions after saying that, I felt the urge to push, which I never really had last time. As with pregnancy, I know God was there in that moment: instead of being in denial and afraid to actively move to the next stage, I was beyond READY to be done with labor and to have that baby in my arms! So push I did.
And then suddenly, it was over, and she was here. Our sweet summer Rose. She stayed in my arms while I got stitched up, and I was unbelievably glad to be holding her. After it was all said and done, Jeane told me that baby sister had a true knot in her cord. She let me look at the placenta, and I untied that slippery knot with one hand while holding my healthy baby in the other and whispering a prayer of thanks for her safety.
In hindsight, even the PROM and the need for pitocin (therefore continuous monitoring) was a gift from God for my anxious heart. True knots can lead to fetal distress and even fetal demise in labor. Since I was monitored for every minute of active labor, we know that the baby handled it like a champ, for which I'm unbelievably grateful! (Grateful for both the knowledge, and the fact that she handled everything without distress.)
(It's funny, I actually did have some anxiety about nuchal cords and true knots mid-pregnancy. I spent a week or so visualizing the baby untangling herself as she flipped head-down. And once she seemed to settle head-down I was less worried about it. But I did ask at my 37 week appointment if nuchal cords or true knots could be seen on ultrasound. Jeane said maybe, but what would you do about it? Also at that appointment, I said it felt like one or both of baby's hands were above her head, and Jeane said she'd likely move them before birth. Except she came out with her left hand saluting us, which may explain the fact that my contractions didn't start when my water broke. Hand-above-head isn't terribly conducive to good positioning. Finally, Jeane asked me at that appointment if this baby felt bigger or smaller. Even though I gained exactly 30 pounds with both kids, I said this one felt bigger. Sure enough, she was almost half a pound bigger even though she was two days earlier than Noah was! It's nice to know my intuition was correct all along!)
We asked for permission for early hospital discharge once we got to postpartum. We'd already spent one night in the hospital before she came, so spending two more felt like a lot. That being said, the one night we did spend with Rosie (well, "baby sister" because we hadn't chosen a name yet) was really sweet. Per our doula's recommendation, we actually didn't set an alarm for feedings that night. All I had to do was sleep, feed a baby, and sleep some more. She woke herself up every 3-4 hours, let out one cry, and waited for me to get her out of the bassinet. She'd nurse for 20-30 minutes and fall immediately back to sleep. It was glorious, and the postpartum bed even felt comfortable after a night in a labor bed! I'm so happy we get so experience those newborn wiggles, sighs, snuggles, and smells again!
I had my 38 week appointment scheduled on a Tuesday, when I was technically 38.2. It was so hot that day, but I was DOING it. I'd nearly made it through the hottest summer we'd had in years, with a baby in my belly and a toddler in tow-- and the end was near! It's funny, with Noah I was NOT ready to be done being pregnant. I think God was gracious to me this time in making pregnancy much... less enjoyable. This time, all the sickness in the first half and all the discomfort in the second half made it easier to look forward to the day baby would be on the outside. Granted, I still miss a lot of things about being pregnant: the big kicks, all the sweet little wiggles that only I could feel, the belly that made all my clothes look cute, the comments from well-intentioned strangers, the ability to nap when my toddler napped. I do miss those things terribly in hindsight. I knew that I would, but as always you can't truly know until you're there. And now I know.
And now I know I was much more physically uncomfortable than I thought at the end, because the relief of not having a 7 pound 15 ounce baby in my belly was nearly instantaneous. But also, now knowing what I know about being a mom, the love was nearly instantaneous, too. The transition from one body to two still mystifies me beyond my ability to comprehend the magnitude of the miracle. I know its the same baby in there the whole time, but seeing their face for the first time is a whole new world of connection that you don't get even in the most intimate moments of pregnancy.
When I was binge watching Call the Midwife during one of my many illnesses over the winter, this quote stood out to me, "When a child is born, the world is altered in an instant. A new voice is heard, new love comes into being. Years later, we pause and say, 'Yes, that's when it all began, on that day in that room when I saw that face.' Birth is the smallest of magnificent things, and the greatest of little ones." I especially love that both of my babies were born on a Wednesday afternoon in room 3612, both with Vanessa as my doula and Jeane as my Midwife, and Ross as my biggest support, getting his hands squeezed off during the final, most painful contractions.
Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. I had Ross meet Noah and me at the Midwife's office that Tuesday. I wanted to talk through our plans for when labor started. I also had the Midwife check me, even though I know it means nothing (spoiler alert: now I REALLY know it means nothing)! But I thought, at least if I know I'm already dilated to 3-4cm, I have ZERO time to waste when contractions start. However, I was still just at 1cm and maybe 60% effaced. Essentially unchanged from 36 weeks. AND my Braxton-Hicks had even slowed down in the past week. So I left that appointment feeling really calm. Almost like I'd bought myself another week of pregnancy or something. I made plans to swim laps that weekend and finish the thank-yous from my baby shower. I also texted my Aunt Karen three different contingency plans based on our discussion with the Midwife. My aunt lives about 35 minutes away, and she was our top choice for watching Noah when labor started. Plan A was for her to come to our house when contractions kicked in. Plan B, if labor started at 7 or 8am, was for us to drop Noah off at his friend Alex's house on our way to the hospital, and my aunt would get him there after morning rush hour. Plan C was for us to meet my aunt at the hospital, with Noah in tow.
Plan D, apparently, was for my water to break and NOTHING to happen. Tuesday evening, a mere 5 hours after leaving the Midwife's office with new peace of mind, my water broke out of nowhere, with nary a contraction in sight. Not only did we have time for my aunt to make her way to our house, we also had time to eat dinner, tuck Noah in, take a short walk, AND greet my mom after her three hour drive from Omaha! Six hours after my water broke, I still wasn't having contractions-- just some uncomfortable cramping. Per the Midwife's recommendations, we headed into the hospital for intermittent monitoring overnight.
Now, this shook me up. It was perhaps less stressful than waiting for my aunt to arrive through painful contractions and precipitous labor, but it was incredibly stressful to me, given that it wasn't even in the realm of possibilities in my mind. I'd done this before: started labor on my own and progressed entirely normally and naturally. Why on EARTH would my body not remember how to do this a mere three years later?!
I don't know that I even really let my guard down to weep about it, but I should have. It might have made the long night less unpleasant. Instead, I held it all in with only occasional tears of frustration slipping out. Our wait in triage was anticlimactic and I was antsy to get into a room. But then the labor bed was shockingly uncomfortable-- clearly not made for sleep. And being monitored for 20 minutes out of every hour made sleep nearly impossible. Ross slept from about 0200-0500 in a nearby chair, and I slept-ish for about 20 minutes around 0400, I think. In hindsight, I should've just asked for continuous monitoring so the nurse wasn't coming and going every 30 minutes, but I craved those last few intervals of freedom. I knew that once the pitocin started (because even when we left our house, I knew it was WHEN and not IF they needed to start pitocin), I WOULD be on the monitor continuously. Until then, I wanted to walk down the hallway unhampered, with my hand on my belly, and feel those sweet kicks just a few more times.
At 0525 Wednesday morning, I took a lonely, tearful, bittersweet lap around the maternity floor, trying to wrap my head around what was to come. Sarah, the Midwife on call, came to check on me right after that walk. She'd been texting me through the night, which was a great comfort when I otherwise felt pretty alone and confused. I'm so grateful to her-- and to the fact that we used to work together at New Birth Company. Otherwise I certainly wouldn't have been texting with her like any old friend. But it was comforting to do that and not have to go through the answering service or the L and D nurses. She checked me and said that a night of cramping, walking, and tossing and turning had maybe nudged me to a 2-3cm and 80%. I think that was optimistic, given that an hour previous, the nurse had said I was still at a "loose 1cm." BUT this check got things moving a bit. More importantly, Sarah sat down and prayed with us, that God the Good Mechanic would give us peace that He knows how my body works, and that He is in control. We loved that.
Then Sarah went home and they had to monitor me for an hour before starting pitocin-- I actually started having some minor contractions during that hour. Then they started "a whiff" of pitocin at 0715 (2gtts/hour) and I think I tried to rest and do some Bible study for a bit. Romans 15:13 really stood out to me for the last few weeks of pregnancy, and while I was waiting for labor to start: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you amy overflow with hope by the power of the holy spirit." (Made more poignant by the fact that Hope, along with Anne and Rose, was one of our top name choices.)
They turned the pitocin up to 4gtts/hour around 0830, and at 0850 I texted my doula, Vanessa, "contractions are such that I'd be paying attention if I were at home." They weren't really painful yet, but they felt like actual contractions with a start and stop time, compared to just cramping.
Basically right after that text, Vanessa walked into the room and I was SO happy to see her! With Noah, we were escorted from the office to L and D and were never alone in the room thereafter-- it was a crazy 4 hours from 6cm to delivery, and my Midwife and doula were there the whole time. This time, we had to hurry up and WAIT which was unnerving. I'm so grateful we opted for a doula again, because once we saw her, she never left our sight until baby was born. Jeane, my Midwife, came in at some point in the morning, maybe when I was first getting into the tub? But then she left again for clinic, which was a little disheartening.
That first hour with Vanessa, I bounced on a birth ball and we chatted, I snacked, it was all pretty good. But things picked up QUICKLY after that. I don't think they ever turned the pitocin up again, and in fact at some point I think they turned it off, but once contractions started they were immediately painful! At the time, I thought it was because of the pitocin, but Sarah reminded me that I'd been awake all night, so I was already tired and my threshold was probably a bit lower. Then at my 2 week postpartum appointment, Jeane reminded me that I was contracting for my ENTIRE labor without a cushion of amniotic fluid! Last time my water didn't break until 7cm, which was a whole different ballgame! This time I didn't really get to ease into them. But just like last time, the tub felt incredible.
Laboring in the tub was good, but the intensity was still a little unnerving. Last time I remembered having these glorious breaks in between contractions, but this time they felt much closer together from the get-go. Last time, I made a labor playlist but didn't even get it out of my bag. This time, I had nothing prepared, but thankfully I'd charged and brought my old phone and we turned on my Worship playlist. The only songs I really remember hearing are "Lay My Burdens Down," which was really meaningful to me at this exact time last year, and "Good, Good Father" which was really meaningful to me the year before, when I was battling PPD while trying to wrap my head around a surprise pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. The other song I took note of was, "Lo, He Comes with Clouds Descending," which is a bit of a Christmas song in my head, but is a good reminder of how powerful God is. Of course, even the details of my little labor wouldn't escape him. He'd always known how this would go, and he had a reason for it.
Once I got out of the tub, I have no concept of time. I'm so curious to see Vanessa's timeline when she does my postpartum home visit, because it all starts to blend together for me. I just remember being anxious because everyone said I was getting close, yet the Midwife was nowhere to be seen, so how could I be THAT close? And if I wasn't THAT close, I couldn't possibly continue at this level of intensity. Even when she did get there to check me, I remember saying, "If I'm not at least 8cm, I want an epidural." I was only at 7cm when she checked me! I was devastated until Vanessa reminded me that I'd essentially gone from something like 3cm to 7cm in two hours, which might explain why it felt so miserable. But still, I was disheartened. I was laying in bed by that time, and I just felt overwhelmingly fatigued between every contraction. Like if they'd been even a little farther apart, I could've taken a cat nap then and there. Instead, they kept coming and coming and I swore I did NOT remember labor hurting this bad, and that I wanted an epidural next time, since clearly no one was going to take my request seriously this time. (Disclaimer: I had the baby less than an hour after asking for an epidural, so my birth team wasn't being cruel and ignoring me. They simply knew that I didn't actually have time to get an epidural that would do me an ounce of good.)
Probably less than 20 (miserable, nauseating, light-headed) contractions after saying that, I felt the urge to push, which I never really had last time. As with pregnancy, I know God was there in that moment: instead of being in denial and afraid to actively move to the next stage, I was beyond READY to be done with labor and to have that baby in my arms! So push I did.
And then suddenly, it was over, and she was here. Our sweet summer Rose. She stayed in my arms while I got stitched up, and I was unbelievably glad to be holding her. After it was all said and done, Jeane told me that baby sister had a true knot in her cord. She let me look at the placenta, and I untied that slippery knot with one hand while holding my healthy baby in the other and whispering a prayer of thanks for her safety.
In hindsight, even the PROM and the need for pitocin (therefore continuous monitoring) was a gift from God for my anxious heart. True knots can lead to fetal distress and even fetal demise in labor. Since I was monitored for every minute of active labor, we know that the baby handled it like a champ, for which I'm unbelievably grateful! (Grateful for both the knowledge, and the fact that she handled everything without distress.)
(It's funny, I actually did have some anxiety about nuchal cords and true knots mid-pregnancy. I spent a week or so visualizing the baby untangling herself as she flipped head-down. And once she seemed to settle head-down I was less worried about it. But I did ask at my 37 week appointment if nuchal cords or true knots could be seen on ultrasound. Jeane said maybe, but what would you do about it? Also at that appointment, I said it felt like one or both of baby's hands were above her head, and Jeane said she'd likely move them before birth. Except she came out with her left hand saluting us, which may explain the fact that my contractions didn't start when my water broke. Hand-above-head isn't terribly conducive to good positioning. Finally, Jeane asked me at that appointment if this baby felt bigger or smaller. Even though I gained exactly 30 pounds with both kids, I said this one felt bigger. Sure enough, she was almost half a pound bigger even though she was two days earlier than Noah was! It's nice to know my intuition was correct all along!)
We asked for permission for early hospital discharge once we got to postpartum. We'd already spent one night in the hospital before she came, so spending two more felt like a lot. That being said, the one night we did spend with Rosie (well, "baby sister" because we hadn't chosen a name yet) was really sweet. Per our doula's recommendation, we actually didn't set an alarm for feedings that night. All I had to do was sleep, feed a baby, and sleep some more. She woke herself up every 3-4 hours, let out one cry, and waited for me to get her out of the bassinet. She'd nurse for 20-30 minutes and fall immediately back to sleep. It was glorious, and the postpartum bed even felt comfortable after a night in a labor bed! I'm so happy we get so experience those newborn wiggles, sighs, snuggles, and smells again!
Monday, July 24, 2017
Third Trimester Reflections at 38 Weeks
It's really hard not to count down to 38.5 weeks, when Noah was born. I'm 38.1 weeks today and I went into labor at 38.4 with Noah. I have a feeling I'm going to go past that, yet I'm also making zero plans past Thursday. This week finds me really patient with Noah, nostalgic for my baby belly already, and a little bit stir-crazy. It's weird to have time to wrap stuff up, yet I don't quite have the energy to do so after the last few weeks ended up being so eventful! It's simply impossible to keep the house clean with a toddler on the loose, but I am slowly still organizing nooks and crannies and weeding through stuff that's always accumulating. I'd like to have a few solid hours to actually update pictures on the blog! I'm like 2+ years behind, and it feels like now or never! That's the only other big project left undone, though. It's weird to have clothes and diapers washed and folded. I even have the hospital bag mostly packed!
So, here are some reflections on this pregnancy. The past 9 months have felt like an eternity, yet gone by in the blink of an eye when I look at how much Noah has grown and changed! And of course, baby sister has gone from the size of a poppy seed to, well, the size of a 6.5+ pound baby!
Most exciting moment:
Probably a tie between the positive pregnancy test on Thanksgiving morning, and the 20 week ultrasound. The positive test-- it's something I'll only see a very few times in my life, and there's nothing like all the promise that second line holds! The ultrasound-- it's when both babies really felt "real" to me, and I was able to start imaging all of this actually happening.
Most challenging moment:
Gosh, I was simply not prepared for how awful I'd feel this time around, and I quickly understood why being pregnant with a toddler is even harder. We made it through! But there were so many days either when Noah was home that I felt like I neglected him a bit, or when he went to his once-a-week Parent's Day Out, and I was too sick to be at all productive with my elusive solo time.
One thing I'm proud of:
Last time, I totally would've said I was proud of my consistent workouts and the fact that I ate vegetables every day, even when I felt kind of gross. This time, wow. Probably both because of the loss between pregnancies, but also because of the fact that I have 3 years of mom-ming under my belt, I'm always humbled by how much is out of my control, and how little I can actually claim to be proud of. Not to mention the fact that I was so much sicker this time, and circumstances are just so different. So yeah, I'm proud I've worked out when I can. I'm proud that I somehow had the foresight to potty train Noah before getting pregnant again. I'm proud that I've really been utilizing the warmer weather to get out and spend time with Noah after a gross winter and spring. I'm proud of all the work I put into physical therapy, counseling, and self-care to make this pregnancy and postpartum (hopefully) much smoother! But mostly I'm just grateful for the good days, and aware that I can't take much credit for them.
One thing I wish were different:
I wish I'd made more time to go swim laps/get out of the house/hang out with friends in the evening before being tied down for a few months. Between Noah's sleep regression and Ross' work deadlines, that just hasn't been feasible. I also legitimately wish we could hire a housecleaner once a month. I realize that sounds spoiled, but with me being so sick, and so uncomfortable, it's been impossible to clean the floors regularly, and in a house with all wood floors, they get dirty like hours after cleaning them. Even someone who coming to mop the floors and scrub the bathtub once a month would be a huge luxury! Maybe someday.
Favorite foods:
Right now I'm craving sushi and a huge Chick-fil-a lemonade! But in general, food hasn't been my favorite thing this pregnancy, which is very unlike me!
Least favorite food:
Anything I make myself? Ha! We do eat at home so so much, but I'll confess I always jump at the chance to go out. I find that even though the nausea has mostly subsided, I am generally tired of the food/flavors by the time I'm finished cooking dinner and before we've even eaten!
Physical state:
Today is the first day in a week or so that I've felt kind of normal. Yay for a reprieve! But generally feeling pretty heavy. My feet hurt when I stand up in the morning. They're not used to carrying this much weight! But I love love love the baby belly and wouldn't trade it for anything!
Mental state:
Oh gosh. It varies between exhausted, excited, and really really nervous about all the change that's coming.
One thing that surprised me:
How different my pregnancies would feel. I'm also surprised at how much Noah seems to "get it." He asks a lot of good questions, and it blows my mind! "How will my baby sister get out?" "Why is she upside down?" "Where are her toes? Where are her eyeballs? Will she have teeth when she comes out? Can she eat ___ (insert whatever food Noah is eating at the time)? When you eat, does she eat?"
Looking forward to:
Meeting the baby, of course. I'm almost more excited for that this time around, since now I know how fun it is it to get to KNOW a tiny human! I'm also really curious to see how/when labor plays out. We had a great experience with Noah, but I hear second babies come faster and I can't afford to be in denial for the first 75% of my labor, especially when toddler childcare is a factor! It's also hard to imagine my labor story going any differently than it did the first time, although I know logically there's no way everything would/could play out exactly the same way. So, we wait. And pray for a safe delivery!
So, here are some reflections on this pregnancy. The past 9 months have felt like an eternity, yet gone by in the blink of an eye when I look at how much Noah has grown and changed! And of course, baby sister has gone from the size of a poppy seed to, well, the size of a 6.5+ pound baby!
Most exciting moment:
Probably a tie between the positive pregnancy test on Thanksgiving morning, and the 20 week ultrasound. The positive test-- it's something I'll only see a very few times in my life, and there's nothing like all the promise that second line holds! The ultrasound-- it's when both babies really felt "real" to me, and I was able to start imaging all of this actually happening.
Most challenging moment:
Gosh, I was simply not prepared for how awful I'd feel this time around, and I quickly understood why being pregnant with a toddler is even harder. We made it through! But there were so many days either when Noah was home that I felt like I neglected him a bit, or when he went to his once-a-week Parent's Day Out, and I was too sick to be at all productive with my elusive solo time.
One thing I'm proud of:
Last time, I totally would've said I was proud of my consistent workouts and the fact that I ate vegetables every day, even when I felt kind of gross. This time, wow. Probably both because of the loss between pregnancies, but also because of the fact that I have 3 years of mom-ming under my belt, I'm always humbled by how much is out of my control, and how little I can actually claim to be proud of. Not to mention the fact that I was so much sicker this time, and circumstances are just so different. So yeah, I'm proud I've worked out when I can. I'm proud that I somehow had the foresight to potty train Noah before getting pregnant again. I'm proud that I've really been utilizing the warmer weather to get out and spend time with Noah after a gross winter and spring. I'm proud of all the work I put into physical therapy, counseling, and self-care to make this pregnancy and postpartum (hopefully) much smoother! But mostly I'm just grateful for the good days, and aware that I can't take much credit for them.
One thing I wish were different:
I wish I'd made more time to go swim laps/get out of the house/hang out with friends in the evening before being tied down for a few months. Between Noah's sleep regression and Ross' work deadlines, that just hasn't been feasible. I also legitimately wish we could hire a housecleaner once a month. I realize that sounds spoiled, but with me being so sick, and so uncomfortable, it's been impossible to clean the floors regularly, and in a house with all wood floors, they get dirty like hours after cleaning them. Even someone who coming to mop the floors and scrub the bathtub once a month would be a huge luxury! Maybe someday.
Favorite foods:
Right now I'm craving sushi and a huge Chick-fil-a lemonade! But in general, food hasn't been my favorite thing this pregnancy, which is very unlike me!
Least favorite food:
Anything I make myself? Ha! We do eat at home so so much, but I'll confess I always jump at the chance to go out. I find that even though the nausea has mostly subsided, I am generally tired of the food/flavors by the time I'm finished cooking dinner and before we've even eaten!
Physical state:
Today is the first day in a week or so that I've felt kind of normal. Yay for a reprieve! But generally feeling pretty heavy. My feet hurt when I stand up in the morning. They're not used to carrying this much weight! But I love love love the baby belly and wouldn't trade it for anything!
Mental state:
Oh gosh. It varies between exhausted, excited, and really really nervous about all the change that's coming.
One thing that surprised me:
How different my pregnancies would feel. I'm also surprised at how much Noah seems to "get it." He asks a lot of good questions, and it blows my mind! "How will my baby sister get out?" "Why is she upside down?" "Where are her toes? Where are her eyeballs? Will she have teeth when she comes out? Can she eat ___ (insert whatever food Noah is eating at the time)? When you eat, does she eat?"
Looking forward to:
Meeting the baby, of course. I'm almost more excited for that this time around, since now I know how fun it is it to get to KNOW a tiny human! I'm also really curious to see how/when labor plays out. We had a great experience with Noah, but I hear second babies come faster and I can't afford to be in denial for the first 75% of my labor, especially when toddler childcare is a factor! It's also hard to imagine my labor story going any differently than it did the first time, although I know logically there's no way everything would/could play out exactly the same way. So, we wait. And pray for a safe delivery!
36 and 37 weeks
As I sit here at 38.1 weeks pregnant, I feel like weeks 36 and 37 have been the fastest yet. And the hottest, with a crazy heat wave hitting the Midwest!
The past two weeks have been a whirlwind of crazy. Remember a month ago when I thought I could devote July to a month of rest?! Joke's on me, I guess. Ross had surprise knee surgery on July 14 and had some major PACU drama that almost bought him a ticket to an overnight stay in the cardiac unit at the hospital. Thankfully, he recovered literally just in the nick of time, and we did get to go home that night, albeit much later than we anticipated, and to a very confused toddler. Poor Noah. We've been telling him that next time he sees grandma, it'll be when Mama and Papa go to the hospital and have a baby sister! We also told him that the doctor was going to fix Ross' knee.
Well, grandma came and Mama and Papa went to the hospital... but for surgery. Instead of hearing about a baby sister, he got a very unnerving FaceTime call from the PACU. Instead of an immediately "fixed" knee, Papa came home still on crutches, and spent the whole weekend in bed. Whew! And I worked my last shift before "maternity leave" on Sunday. I was dead on my feet, but thank goodness my mom came into town at the last minute. I wouldn't have even been standing if it weren't for all her help!
So anyway, here we are. It's hard not to count down to 38.5. As exhausted and huge-feeling as I am, I'm okay if this baby stays in a little longer than Noah did. I'm psyched to meet her, but I'm enjoying the few slow days that Noah and I still get. I love snuggling with him at nap time before moving to my own bed and just reading a book for an hour. I'm soaking it all up while I can, and still trying to go on a few Mama/Noah adventures before we are house-bound for a bit.
So week 36 was full of surgery drama and week 37, Ross was furiously working toward a work deadline. Meanwhile, last week I was the most physically uncomfortable I've been in a while, and I know the long solo days, late nights, and 100+ degree temps didn't help. What are the odds that Ross would have a huge deadline at 38 weeks with both of our babies?! Better now than a month from now, though!
This past Tuesday night, I had my first dream about baby's delivery. All was well, except I was mad at Ross for forgetting to call my doula! And apparently we temporarily named the baby "Cereal"?! Except Ross spelled it "cerial" and I was super annoyed. Oh boy! I do remember, though, that the baby had white blonde hair. I'm so curious to see what she looks like, and what her little personality is like!
So hmmm... trying to think back over the last two weeks is pretty much just resulting in a brain dump of tidbits:
-At my 36 weeks appointment, I found out I'm GBS negative! It's a benign bacteria on some moms' skin, but it can cause complications in baby, so it means you need IV antibiotics at least 4 hours before delivery (with Noah, I got the antibiotics like 3.5 hours before he came. Oops!). But I don't have it this time! I'm so so excited. I assumed I'd be positive since I work in the postpartum unit and have constant exposure to GBS (not to mention the fact that I had it last time, and most healthcare workers are carriers). At this visit, I also found out I'm 1 cm, 50% effaced, and baby is at -1 station. This is basically exactly where I was at this point with Noah, and it carries zero predictive value for when I'll actually go into labor, but it gives me a good baseline if I get checked again before officially going into labor.
-Baby's head down again after that crazy week I had a few weeks ago. She's low but still fairly active as far as turning from front to back and whatnot. But she does spend most of her time with her head slightly left of center, and her butt on my left side or in the middle of my belly. She's almost always facing my right side, and she loves to stretch her legs out to the point that I can see a legit lump where her foot is pushing all the way into my side! I wish I could get a good picture, but it doesn't show up well on camera. It's so funny, though! She certainly knows how to claim her space. She also sometimes rotates, and stretches either her knees or her butt right out above my belly button. It's the most bizarre feeling, and I have no idea how she is angling herself out like that, but she does! Again, pictures don't do it justice, but it's pretty entertaining.
-Speaking of which, I feel like I do notice a difference with a posterior placenta this time. Everything feels bonier and more "right there" if that makes any sense. An anterior placenta last time definitely put a cushion between me and the baby, but not this time! It's fun to feel and see everything. I do also wonder if that's why my belly is a legit different shape this time around. My belly button has basically long since given up, and I don't love it sticking out all the time, but my belly itself seems to be a different shape, too. Both babies are sitting quite low, and there's zero reason for the boy vs girl old-wives tale to be true, but I definitely did look like I carried Noah lower. My theory is that all my pelvic rehab physical therapy paid off-- I have actual muscle tone in my pelvic floor, my obliques, and my transverse abodominis. Yay! I also wear Blanqui support tanks almost every single day, and they really do hold everything up, whereas with Noah I wore support hose almost every single day, and they crammed everything down. Just my theory.
-I've hit the point where a lot of my maternity clothes don't fit/ it's way too hot. I've been wearing a lot more dresses this past week, and I pretty much immediately change into boxers or athletic shorts when we get home. Now I know what it's like to be full-term pregnant when it feels like 112 outside! I will say, there are some MAJOR perks to being pregnant in the summer. Namely, fresh seasonal fruit, flip flops (cannot IMAGINE trying to put winter boots on), and the POOL. Seriously, the pool is the only motivation I have to get out in this ungodly heat, though.
-Week 37 definitely reminded me that I'm having a baby SOON. Things are happening. This week brought with it an acne flare up, lots of menstrual-type cramping, reflux, nausea (it's been on and off again for the past few weeks), and more insomnia and night sweats. Baby is also definitely LOWER. I'm waddling. At the pool on Friday, an 80 year old guy asked, "are you OKAY?! You look like you could go at any minute!" Yep, I felt like it, too. Thankfully today the temps have dropped a bit and I feel much more human.
-After a rough few weeks, Noah was super lovey this past week! Lots of kisses for me, and for baby sister. I think he's excited she's almost here. I CANNOT BELIEVE she's almost here!
The past two weeks have been a whirlwind of crazy. Remember a month ago when I thought I could devote July to a month of rest?! Joke's on me, I guess. Ross had surprise knee surgery on July 14 and had some major PACU drama that almost bought him a ticket to an overnight stay in the cardiac unit at the hospital. Thankfully, he recovered literally just in the nick of time, and we did get to go home that night, albeit much later than we anticipated, and to a very confused toddler. Poor Noah. We've been telling him that next time he sees grandma, it'll be when Mama and Papa go to the hospital and have a baby sister! We also told him that the doctor was going to fix Ross' knee.
Well, grandma came and Mama and Papa went to the hospital... but for surgery. Instead of hearing about a baby sister, he got a very unnerving FaceTime call from the PACU. Instead of an immediately "fixed" knee, Papa came home still on crutches, and spent the whole weekend in bed. Whew! And I worked my last shift before "maternity leave" on Sunday. I was dead on my feet, but thank goodness my mom came into town at the last minute. I wouldn't have even been standing if it weren't for all her help!
So anyway, here we are. It's hard not to count down to 38.5. As exhausted and huge-feeling as I am, I'm okay if this baby stays in a little longer than Noah did. I'm psyched to meet her, but I'm enjoying the few slow days that Noah and I still get. I love snuggling with him at nap time before moving to my own bed and just reading a book for an hour. I'm soaking it all up while I can, and still trying to go on a few Mama/Noah adventures before we are house-bound for a bit.
So week 36 was full of surgery drama and week 37, Ross was furiously working toward a work deadline. Meanwhile, last week I was the most physically uncomfortable I've been in a while, and I know the long solo days, late nights, and 100+ degree temps didn't help. What are the odds that Ross would have a huge deadline at 38 weeks with both of our babies?! Better now than a month from now, though!
This past Tuesday night, I had my first dream about baby's delivery. All was well, except I was mad at Ross for forgetting to call my doula! And apparently we temporarily named the baby "Cereal"?! Except Ross spelled it "cerial" and I was super annoyed. Oh boy! I do remember, though, that the baby had white blonde hair. I'm so curious to see what she looks like, and what her little personality is like!
So hmmm... trying to think back over the last two weeks is pretty much just resulting in a brain dump of tidbits:
-At my 36 weeks appointment, I found out I'm GBS negative! It's a benign bacteria on some moms' skin, but it can cause complications in baby, so it means you need IV antibiotics at least 4 hours before delivery (with Noah, I got the antibiotics like 3.5 hours before he came. Oops!). But I don't have it this time! I'm so so excited. I assumed I'd be positive since I work in the postpartum unit and have constant exposure to GBS (not to mention the fact that I had it last time, and most healthcare workers are carriers). At this visit, I also found out I'm 1 cm, 50% effaced, and baby is at -1 station. This is basically exactly where I was at this point with Noah, and it carries zero predictive value for when I'll actually go into labor, but it gives me a good baseline if I get checked again before officially going into labor.
-Baby's head down again after that crazy week I had a few weeks ago. She's low but still fairly active as far as turning from front to back and whatnot. But she does spend most of her time with her head slightly left of center, and her butt on my left side or in the middle of my belly. She's almost always facing my right side, and she loves to stretch her legs out to the point that I can see a legit lump where her foot is pushing all the way into my side! I wish I could get a good picture, but it doesn't show up well on camera. It's so funny, though! She certainly knows how to claim her space. She also sometimes rotates, and stretches either her knees or her butt right out above my belly button. It's the most bizarre feeling, and I have no idea how she is angling herself out like that, but she does! Again, pictures don't do it justice, but it's pretty entertaining.
-Speaking of which, I feel like I do notice a difference with a posterior placenta this time. Everything feels bonier and more "right there" if that makes any sense. An anterior placenta last time definitely put a cushion between me and the baby, but not this time! It's fun to feel and see everything. I do also wonder if that's why my belly is a legit different shape this time around. My belly button has basically long since given up, and I don't love it sticking out all the time, but my belly itself seems to be a different shape, too. Both babies are sitting quite low, and there's zero reason for the boy vs girl old-wives tale to be true, but I definitely did look like I carried Noah lower. My theory is that all my pelvic rehab physical therapy paid off-- I have actual muscle tone in my pelvic floor, my obliques, and my transverse abodominis. Yay! I also wear Blanqui support tanks almost every single day, and they really do hold everything up, whereas with Noah I wore support hose almost every single day, and they crammed everything down. Just my theory.
-I've hit the point where a lot of my maternity clothes don't fit/ it's way too hot. I've been wearing a lot more dresses this past week, and I pretty much immediately change into boxers or athletic shorts when we get home. Now I know what it's like to be full-term pregnant when it feels like 112 outside! I will say, there are some MAJOR perks to being pregnant in the summer. Namely, fresh seasonal fruit, flip flops (cannot IMAGINE trying to put winter boots on), and the POOL. Seriously, the pool is the only motivation I have to get out in this ungodly heat, though.
-Week 37 definitely reminded me that I'm having a baby SOON. Things are happening. This week brought with it an acne flare up, lots of menstrual-type cramping, reflux, nausea (it's been on and off again for the past few weeks), and more insomnia and night sweats. Baby is also definitely LOWER. I'm waddling. At the pool on Friday, an 80 year old guy asked, "are you OKAY?! You look like you could go at any minute!" Yep, I felt like it, too. Thankfully today the temps have dropped a bit and I feel much more human.
-After a rough few weeks, Noah was super lovey this past week! Lots of kisses for me, and for baby sister. I think he's excited she's almost here. I CANNOT BELIEVE she's almost here!
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
A Day in the Life: 3 years old and 36 weeks pregnant
Today was a rare, sweet day in which we had NO solid plans. I'm craving these days with Noah as my due date approaches. I didn't take meticulous notes, but I thought it would be a fun day to note, so here's what I remember.
0615: Blessed reprieve-- Noah slept in AND I was able to fall back asleep immediately after my 0400 potty break. I got 7+ hours of actual sleep and I feel human this morning! Ross gets up with Noah after a few minutes.
0630: I go over my prayer cards for a bit, until Noah comes into our bedroom needing something or other. Ross heads to work, and Noah and I eat breakfast. Eating meals is quite the ordeal these days. We end up splitting a smoothie, he has toast with almond butter, and I have two oatmeal muffins. This takes much longer than it should. Then we both get dressed for the day, and read a Bernstein Bears book.
0740: We head to Wednesday Farmer's Market. It's not TOO hot out yet, and I love being early-isa to market before the crowds.
0800: We buy komboucha, sip it for a few minutes, and then head to the fountains where Noah gleefully runs and splashes with very little competition.
0900: The first entertainer arrives, and we spend an hour doing Signing Time with her and her two daughters, and the crowd slowly grows over the course of the hour. We also take two potty breaks and a cookie break during this time-- ha! At the end, Noah sweetly waits his turn for a stamp, and gets one on his hand. Then goes back to ask for one on his bare belly! Oh summer.
1000: Some friends meet us briefly, and we splash in the water for a bit. Then we actually walk through market again and buy some sweet corn, some peaches, and some cucumbers. Our cucumbers are really not thriving this year and our whole garden feels behind schedule even though it's green and flowering. Maybe next year will be the year I actually start seeds indoors to get a head start?
1050: Wow it's ROASTING outside by now. The weather app says it's 95 but feels like 103! Noah and I are over it, and head home.
1130: We eat a quick lunch of turkey sandwiches and watermelon, and Noah must be as worn out as I am, because he really doesn't put up too much of a fight when I declare nap time.
1200: Nap jams, two stories, and two songs later, I'm resting next to Noah in his big kid bed and we both fall asleep pretty quickly. We've been doing this this past few weeks, ever since my belly just got too big for stories in the rocking chair. I'll admit the snuggles and cat nap are sometimes the sweetest part of my day.
1240: I sneak out of Noah's room and retire to my own bed to read for a bit. My belly feels extra heavy today, and rest is needed for sure. I also update my mom on Ross' knee. He hurt it a week and a half ago, and a sweet friend got us in to see an orthopedic doctor MUCH sooner than we would've been able to, otherwise. AND he had an OR spot open this Friday, so Ross is getting his meniscus repaired so much sooner than we'd hoped. Hopefully this means he'll be walking by the time baby arrives!
1430: Noah is awake! I let him bustle around his room for a bit before getting him out.
1445: Noah has a rice cake for a snack after declining watermelon, peaches, and turkey sandwich remains. Then, well, he watches two episodes of Daniel Tiger while I read on the couch. Did I mention it's 100+ degrees outside?!
1530: We get ready to go to the pool to meet some friends.
1605: The pool is like bathwater, but the weightlessness is pure bliss! We play in the baby pool with our friends for a little over an hour. Noah is so sweet to my friend's little 20 month girl, and I enjoy having some adult conversation.
1720: Noah and I have some really fun "Mama/Noah time" just playing in the big pool. We practice swimming, and he climbs up the ladder and jumps off the side ad nauseum. It's so fun to grab him and give him a hug every time he pops up. I miss holding him sometimes, but it's so effortless in the water! His belly flops have veered into dive territory lately, so we practice a lot of feet-first jumping for safety's sake, and he's finally getting the hang of it! When he and I are well rested, we sure do have a lot of fun together.
1800: We head home to meet Ross, and I shower while Ross and Noah eat leftover tacos for dinner.
1830: Ross gets Noah showered while I sit on the couch.
1900: I start getting Noah ready for bed while Ross lays in bed with ice on his knee. We are quite the pair these days! Noah and I read a story, talk, pray, and sing. Then we snuggle for a bit.
1945: Noah's in bed and I say goodnight. He's so funny... he has to say "I love you" and "thank you" to us each night. Tonight I didn't hear the thank you, so I didn't say you're welcome, and Noah came running to the door crying the minute I closed it. Poor kid. I gave him a huge hug, tucked him back in, and made sure to say "you're welcome" this time!
2000: I sit on the couch and read for another 30 minutes before getting up to type this while Ross waters the garden. Now it's almost 2100 and I'm going to load the dishwasher, type a follow-up email to a lactation consultation client, take a Unisom, and go to bed!
0615: Blessed reprieve-- Noah slept in AND I was able to fall back asleep immediately after my 0400 potty break. I got 7+ hours of actual sleep and I feel human this morning! Ross gets up with Noah after a few minutes.
0630: I go over my prayer cards for a bit, until Noah comes into our bedroom needing something or other. Ross heads to work, and Noah and I eat breakfast. Eating meals is quite the ordeal these days. We end up splitting a smoothie, he has toast with almond butter, and I have two oatmeal muffins. This takes much longer than it should. Then we both get dressed for the day, and read a Bernstein Bears book.
0740: We head to Wednesday Farmer's Market. It's not TOO hot out yet, and I love being early-isa to market before the crowds.
0800: We buy komboucha, sip it for a few minutes, and then head to the fountains where Noah gleefully runs and splashes with very little competition.
0900: The first entertainer arrives, and we spend an hour doing Signing Time with her and her two daughters, and the crowd slowly grows over the course of the hour. We also take two potty breaks and a cookie break during this time-- ha! At the end, Noah sweetly waits his turn for a stamp, and gets one on his hand. Then goes back to ask for one on his bare belly! Oh summer.
1000: Some friends meet us briefly, and we splash in the water for a bit. Then we actually walk through market again and buy some sweet corn, some peaches, and some cucumbers. Our cucumbers are really not thriving this year and our whole garden feels behind schedule even though it's green and flowering. Maybe next year will be the year I actually start seeds indoors to get a head start?
1050: Wow it's ROASTING outside by now. The weather app says it's 95 but feels like 103! Noah and I are over it, and head home.
1130: We eat a quick lunch of turkey sandwiches and watermelon, and Noah must be as worn out as I am, because he really doesn't put up too much of a fight when I declare nap time.
1200: Nap jams, two stories, and two songs later, I'm resting next to Noah in his big kid bed and we both fall asleep pretty quickly. We've been doing this this past few weeks, ever since my belly just got too big for stories in the rocking chair. I'll admit the snuggles and cat nap are sometimes the sweetest part of my day.
1240: I sneak out of Noah's room and retire to my own bed to read for a bit. My belly feels extra heavy today, and rest is needed for sure. I also update my mom on Ross' knee. He hurt it a week and a half ago, and a sweet friend got us in to see an orthopedic doctor MUCH sooner than we would've been able to, otherwise. AND he had an OR spot open this Friday, so Ross is getting his meniscus repaired so much sooner than we'd hoped. Hopefully this means he'll be walking by the time baby arrives!
1430: Noah is awake! I let him bustle around his room for a bit before getting him out.
1445: Noah has a rice cake for a snack after declining watermelon, peaches, and turkey sandwich remains. Then, well, he watches two episodes of Daniel Tiger while I read on the couch. Did I mention it's 100+ degrees outside?!
1530: We get ready to go to the pool to meet some friends.
1605: The pool is like bathwater, but the weightlessness is pure bliss! We play in the baby pool with our friends for a little over an hour. Noah is so sweet to my friend's little 20 month girl, and I enjoy having some adult conversation.
1720: Noah and I have some really fun "Mama/Noah time" just playing in the big pool. We practice swimming, and he climbs up the ladder and jumps off the side ad nauseum. It's so fun to grab him and give him a hug every time he pops up. I miss holding him sometimes, but it's so effortless in the water! His belly flops have veered into dive territory lately, so we practice a lot of feet-first jumping for safety's sake, and he's finally getting the hang of it! When he and I are well rested, we sure do have a lot of fun together.
1800: We head home to meet Ross, and I shower while Ross and Noah eat leftover tacos for dinner.
1830: Ross gets Noah showered while I sit on the couch.
1900: I start getting Noah ready for bed while Ross lays in bed with ice on his knee. We are quite the pair these days! Noah and I read a story, talk, pray, and sing. Then we snuggle for a bit.
1945: Noah's in bed and I say goodnight. He's so funny... he has to say "I love you" and "thank you" to us each night. Tonight I didn't hear the thank you, so I didn't say you're welcome, and Noah came running to the door crying the minute I closed it. Poor kid. I gave him a huge hug, tucked him back in, and made sure to say "you're welcome" this time!
2000: I sit on the couch and read for another 30 minutes before getting up to type this while Ross waters the garden. Now it's almost 2100 and I'm going to load the dishwasher, type a follow-up email to a lactation consultation client, take a Unisom, and go to bed!
Sunday, July 9, 2017
35 weeks
This week went by so quickly between the holiday, work, and knee injury drama. Ross tore his meniscus on Sunday, so he saw the PCP on Monday and got an MRI on Friday. Now we are figuring out how to schedule his surgery and pay more medical bills. Meanwhile he's limping around and neither of us can lift anything heavy. It's been... interesting.
So. Thirty five weeks are over and done with, and now baby no longer has an automatic ticket to the NICU. I feel like a ticking time bomb! It's unnerving to think she could be here in 2.5 weeks like Noah was, or she could throw us all for a loop at stay put until mid-August.
How I'm feeling: Big. Sometimes I feel normal, like when I'm laying in bed in the morning, or I'll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror early in the day and think my belly isn't THAT big. But the maternity tanks that fit me last time are getting a little short this time, and I think I'm definitely a little bigger this time around. And I'm convinced this child is huge! She seems to fill up my whole belly, and kicks to the ribs are not infrequent. It's so crazy! But the kicks and the belly are what I'll miss the very most. Otherwise, now that I know how fun it is to get to know the kid in there, I'm getting pretty excited to meet her and I don't think I'll miss feeling pregnant as much as I did last time. (I will miss looking obviously pregnant though). Also, pregnancy in July is not for the faint of heart. I've never been a sweater, but I'm constantly sweaty and overheated and thirsty now! The good parts of third trimester in warm weather, though, are the flip flops and the POOL. I didn't get to go swimming last week and I need to change that this week.
Symptoms: I'm definitely starting to get some swelling, which I don't really remember having last time. I'm sure it's a combination of the heat and the fact that I'm simply not sleeping well at all. I'm either up for the day after 4am, or I'm up hourly all night long. I'm starting to feel "tired but wired" at bedtime, too, which means it keeps inching later and later. I look so tired in all my pictures this summer! Also, nausea and food aversions have kicked in again. I forgot that this happened last time toward the end. The ONLY thing that sounds good is cold water, smoothies, and big salads. Of course, I still can and do eat most everything, but soups, coffee, and chocolate are quite unappetizing again. Still having lots of Braxton-Hicks, too. Not more frequent, but definitely intense than they were in the first pregnancy.
Home life: Well, this week was rough as mentioned above. With Ross' inability to walk and my inability to bend at the waist, we just didn't have a productive week around the house. I had been hoping to clean up the playroom once and for all (it's been a baby supply staging area for a few months), but that obviously didn't happen. Thankfully, my parents were here this weekend, and my mom swept the whole house and tidied up! And my dad helped me get Noah's old baby bins down in the garage, so now I've gone through and sorted and labeled those, and I think I've tracked down all the newborn stuff we have. So newborn clothes are almost all washed and put away, cloth diapers are out, snapped into their smallest sizes, and ready to go, and I even started packing the hospital bag. Who am I!? It's so weird to do this, because we weren't able to have ANYTHING ready the first time.
Exercise: Aside from walking, I didn't get to do much this week. I wonder if that has also affected my anxiety and my sleep quality? Noah and I did take a long, slow walk Friday morning, which was sweet. It's always nice when we don't have to rush somewhere!
Best thing I ate this week: This is a tie between Taste Nirvana coconut water (SO MUCH BETTER than any other coconut water I've had from the grocery store) and the scallops I had for dinner on Saturday at Merchant's in Lawrence. Yes, scallops still sound so amazing. Possibly the closest thing I've had to a consistent craving this pregnancy!
This week, I had a few moments of realizing, "wait... I'm like PREGNANT!" It was really weird. I think you just expect to feel that for so long, and then it doesn't really kick in til the end when it looks like you always expected it to look and feel all along.
So. Thirty five weeks are over and done with, and now baby no longer has an automatic ticket to the NICU. I feel like a ticking time bomb! It's unnerving to think she could be here in 2.5 weeks like Noah was, or she could throw us all for a loop at stay put until mid-August.
How I'm feeling: Big. Sometimes I feel normal, like when I'm laying in bed in the morning, or I'll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror early in the day and think my belly isn't THAT big. But the maternity tanks that fit me last time are getting a little short this time, and I think I'm definitely a little bigger this time around. And I'm convinced this child is huge! She seems to fill up my whole belly, and kicks to the ribs are not infrequent. It's so crazy! But the kicks and the belly are what I'll miss the very most. Otherwise, now that I know how fun it is to get to know the kid in there, I'm getting pretty excited to meet her and I don't think I'll miss feeling pregnant as much as I did last time. (I will miss looking obviously pregnant though). Also, pregnancy in July is not for the faint of heart. I've never been a sweater, but I'm constantly sweaty and overheated and thirsty now! The good parts of third trimester in warm weather, though, are the flip flops and the POOL. I didn't get to go swimming last week and I need to change that this week.
Symptoms: I'm definitely starting to get some swelling, which I don't really remember having last time. I'm sure it's a combination of the heat and the fact that I'm simply not sleeping well at all. I'm either up for the day after 4am, or I'm up hourly all night long. I'm starting to feel "tired but wired" at bedtime, too, which means it keeps inching later and later. I look so tired in all my pictures this summer! Also, nausea and food aversions have kicked in again. I forgot that this happened last time toward the end. The ONLY thing that sounds good is cold water, smoothies, and big salads. Of course, I still can and do eat most everything, but soups, coffee, and chocolate are quite unappetizing again. Still having lots of Braxton-Hicks, too. Not more frequent, but definitely intense than they were in the first pregnancy.
Home life: Well, this week was rough as mentioned above. With Ross' inability to walk and my inability to bend at the waist, we just didn't have a productive week around the house. I had been hoping to clean up the playroom once and for all (it's been a baby supply staging area for a few months), but that obviously didn't happen. Thankfully, my parents were here this weekend, and my mom swept the whole house and tidied up! And my dad helped me get Noah's old baby bins down in the garage, so now I've gone through and sorted and labeled those, and I think I've tracked down all the newborn stuff we have. So newborn clothes are almost all washed and put away, cloth diapers are out, snapped into their smallest sizes, and ready to go, and I even started packing the hospital bag. Who am I!? It's so weird to do this, because we weren't able to have ANYTHING ready the first time.
Exercise: Aside from walking, I didn't get to do much this week. I wonder if that has also affected my anxiety and my sleep quality? Noah and I did take a long, slow walk Friday morning, which was sweet. It's always nice when we don't have to rush somewhere!
Best thing I ate this week: This is a tie between Taste Nirvana coconut water (SO MUCH BETTER than any other coconut water I've had from the grocery store) and the scallops I had for dinner on Saturday at Merchant's in Lawrence. Yes, scallops still sound so amazing. Possibly the closest thing I've had to a consistent craving this pregnancy!
This week, I had a few moments of realizing, "wait... I'm like PREGNANT!" It was really weird. I think you just expect to feel that for so long, and then it doesn't really kick in til the end when it looks like you always expected it to look and feel all along.
Sunday, July 2, 2017
34 weeks and a false alarm
It's July 2. I'm 35 weeks pregnant today. 35 days to go until my due date, but we are likely to meet baby a bit before that. THIS MONTH. How is that possible?!
We rung in 34 weeks with a fun false alarm. I'm not sure if was because baby's position changed, or if my body was just over the last few weeks of go, go, go, but after church on Sunday I started having... contractions? They didn't quite feel like LABOR contractions, but they were also pretty different compared to the normal Braxton-Hicks I have all the time. My lower back was killing me, and the contractions were coming every 2 minutes. They didn't hurt? Per se? Not compared to labor, at least. But they were intense enough to stop me in my tracks when walking. I went home and laid down, and they didn't stop, so I called the Midwife. Since they DID finally stop with a warm bath, I narrowly avoided a visit to triage. But I had to stay in bed the rest of the day because they started up again the minute I would stand up! I drank a ton of water and Gatorade, took Benadryl and Tylenol that night, and slept it off.
I woke up on Monday quite sore, but thankfully back to my normal Braxton-Hicks. My Midwife appointment verified that I hadn't made any actual labor progress. Whew! I was really starting to panic there. However, it was soon evident that sister is now in a transverse position, which is REALLY uncomfortable given that she's 4.5-5 pounds, and roughly 18 inches long. I mean, there's a BABY in there and I am not wide enough for her to be chilling out sideways. It feels like my abs and my tailbone are going to rip open.
I'm not going to lie... it's making me nervous. Turns out transverse is actually a little more worrisome than a frank breech position at this stage, suggesting that possibly the placenta or cord is in the way, keeping her from turning again. I'm constantly praying for her to get head down, but I'm also praying that she stays SAFE. It makes me so nervous to think about cord accidents, nuchal cords, true knots, placental abruption. Ugh. So many many things that can go wrong between now and the sweet day I get to hold her in my arms. Pregnancy is so miraculous and so humbling, and I'm just praying that God keeps us both safe for a few more weeks. And a head-down baby with an uneventful birth would be even better.
This week, I happened to have a chiropractor appointment, acupuncture, physical therapy, and yoga. Ha! Even if she hasn't moved, I'm marginally more comfortable, but also way bigger than I was 7 days ago. Someone had a growth spurt! I don't remember the stretching being this painful last time. Either it's her fun position, or I just forgot about this part. I thought since everything has already been stretched once, it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but I three years was a long time ago, I guess, and my body has been through a lot.
Best moment of the week: We got a care package from the family I used to nanny for in Texas. They sent a perfect big brother book for Noah that made me tear up, but they also sent some adorable pajamas and a Madeline book for baby sister. Well. Noah is OBSESSED with the Madeline book. Like we read it a dozen times a day. He calls it his baby sister book. SO CUTE. (Runner up moment was the way Noah's eyes lit up when I told him he would get to meet baby sister in one month. "Not two months!?" "Nope, just one more month!")
We rung in 34 weeks with a fun false alarm. I'm not sure if was because baby's position changed, or if my body was just over the last few weeks of go, go, go, but after church on Sunday I started having... contractions? They didn't quite feel like LABOR contractions, but they were also pretty different compared to the normal Braxton-Hicks I have all the time. My lower back was killing me, and the contractions were coming every 2 minutes. They didn't hurt? Per se? Not compared to labor, at least. But they were intense enough to stop me in my tracks when walking. I went home and laid down, and they didn't stop, so I called the Midwife. Since they DID finally stop with a warm bath, I narrowly avoided a visit to triage. But I had to stay in bed the rest of the day because they started up again the minute I would stand up! I drank a ton of water and Gatorade, took Benadryl and Tylenol that night, and slept it off.
I woke up on Monday quite sore, but thankfully back to my normal Braxton-Hicks. My Midwife appointment verified that I hadn't made any actual labor progress. Whew! I was really starting to panic there. However, it was soon evident that sister is now in a transverse position, which is REALLY uncomfortable given that she's 4.5-5 pounds, and roughly 18 inches long. I mean, there's a BABY in there and I am not wide enough for her to be chilling out sideways. It feels like my abs and my tailbone are going to rip open.
I'm not going to lie... it's making me nervous. Turns out transverse is actually a little more worrisome than a frank breech position at this stage, suggesting that possibly the placenta or cord is in the way, keeping her from turning again. I'm constantly praying for her to get head down, but I'm also praying that she stays SAFE. It makes me so nervous to think about cord accidents, nuchal cords, true knots, placental abruption. Ugh. So many many things that can go wrong between now and the sweet day I get to hold her in my arms. Pregnancy is so miraculous and so humbling, and I'm just praying that God keeps us both safe for a few more weeks. And a head-down baby with an uneventful birth would be even better.
This week, I happened to have a chiropractor appointment, acupuncture, physical therapy, and yoga. Ha! Even if she hasn't moved, I'm marginally more comfortable, but also way bigger than I was 7 days ago. Someone had a growth spurt! I don't remember the stretching being this painful last time. Either it's her fun position, or I just forgot about this part. I thought since everything has already been stretched once, it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but I three years was a long time ago, I guess, and my body has been through a lot.
Best moment of the week: We got a care package from the family I used to nanny for in Texas. They sent a perfect big brother book for Noah that made me tear up, but they also sent some adorable pajamas and a Madeline book for baby sister. Well. Noah is OBSESSED with the Madeline book. Like we read it a dozen times a day. He calls it his baby sister book. SO CUTE. (Runner up moment was the way Noah's eyes lit up when I told him he would get to meet baby sister in one month. "Not two months!?" "Nope, just one more month!")
Saturday, July 1, 2017
Postpartum Freezer Meals: Part 2
I made some BIG plans for freezer meals, detailed here. Today is one month away from the gestational age at which Noah was born, and given my increasing discomfort, I realized I needed to get this done sooner rather than later.
How I did it
DAY 1 (1.5-2 hours): In the morning, I started the pulled pork in the crockpot and we ate some for dinner, gave some to a friend for a baby meal, and froze the rest for postpartum. Then before bed, I washed and chopped ALL the produce. This actually took almost two hours! It's the most tedious part of cooking, for me, and it was nice to get it out of the way.
DAY 2 (5 hours): I got EVERYTHING out on the counter. All the ingredients I would need for all of the recipes. Turns out this was overly ambitious, but it kept me from having to search for random stuff mid-recipe. Then I tackled most of the uncooked meat dishes. Before putting anything in freezer bags, I wrote the date, the name of the recipe, and the cooking or re-heating instructions so I wouldn't have to look it up later. To assemble these, I used one bowl for each marinade, rinsing well in between. Same for the small bowl I used for each dry spice mixture. I put the meat right in the freezer bag, dumped the marinade over it, and then sealed and laid the bag horizontally in the deep freezer. This method helped me assemble the jerk chicken tacos, maple dijon chicken, salsa chicken, and beef and broccoli pretty quickly.
Then, since the chicken was already in use, I continued with the rest of the chicken dishes. I put the chicken enchilada filling in the crockpot and put the chicken spaghetti bake in the oven.
While those were cooking, I moved onto the ground meat dishes. I processed all the bread crumbs in the food processor in one batch, to measure out accordingly. Then I used one big bowl for each of the ground meat dishes, rinsing it in between recipes (and using fresh gloves for each batch, because I hate mixing meat with bare hands). I made the meatballs and put them in a freezer bag with the tomato sauce, to be cooked after thawing. Then I made the turkey loaf and Greek meatloaf muffins. When they cooled, I wrapped them in foil and then put them each in a freezer bag and placed in the freezer.
I had to sauté some of the veggies for the meatloaf, and I used the same sauté pan to then cook the Italian sausage, onions, and garlic for the cauliflower and Italian sausage casserole. I boiled the cauliflower in a big soup pot, and then assembled and baked that casserole as well. With the casseroles, I baked them in disposable aluminum trays, cooled in the fridge, covered rightly with foil, and then covered with the included plastic lid, on which I wrote the date and the re-heating instructions.
Then I used that same soup pot to boil the second round of cauliflower, for the alfredo sauce and I went ahead and blended that and put in a freezer bag. Finally, I assembled the white bean chicken chili and let it all simmer in the soup pot while I started to clean up. (I put the rotisserie chicken carcass in the freezer to make bone broth at a later date.)
This all took 5 hours and while I didn't finish everything, I was kind of over it after 5 hours. I still made 13 meals in two days, and the deep freezer is filling up quickly!
DAY 3 (1.5-2 hours): I really didn't want to do more, but I had bought, washed, and chopped all that produce, and I knew I needed to utilize the fresh stuff, lest it go bad. So I made the 7 vegetable cheese soup, the red lentil dal, and the lentil mushroom walnut balls. The other soups I listed mostly utilize canned vegetable purees and frozen veggies, so I will keep those ingredients in the pantry and they'll be reasonably easy to make as needed and store in the fridge for a week. Same with the baked bean and cornbread casserole.
DAY 4 (3 hours, but this is skewed because the toddler was awake and around for most of it): So over it today. But I powered through and made the chana masala, vegan stuffed shells, and a double batch of lactation cookies. I thought the vegan meals would be nice to have for quick lunches, but I forgot that vegan meals sometimes take longer to assemble than meat dishes because you have to cook the beans, roast the walnuts, soak the cashews, etc. Next time I would consider leaving the dal, the chana masala, and the lentil mushroom walnut balls off the list. But they may prove to be invaluable to have on hand, later, so I'll see if it was worth the extra time.
LATER: I still hope to make the pancakes, Glo bars, and breakfast cookies before baby comes, but worst case scenario, Ross and Noah can make those while I supervise.
---
THOUGHTS: Our brand new deep freezer is FULL. It feels really good, but I'm also really over cooking. Like I want to take a whole week off! But I have 18 meals in the freezer, and that feels great. I'm really hopeful that they will taste good/fresh in 1-3 months, and that they really will save time later. I neglected Noah a bit this week in the rush to have these DONE. I hope it keeps my postpartum self from standing in the kitchen too much in the first 2 months, though, and that means more time with Noah (and baby) down the road.
I'll write one more post once we've eaten everything, to follow-up on how it stored and re-heated! For now, here's the final tally of what I made (I put this list on the side of the deep freezer along with side dishes that would turn the frozen dish into a full meal):
-jerk chicken taco meat
-meatballs in tomato sauce
-maple dijon chicken
-salsa chicken
-beef and broccoli
-turkey loaf
-chicken enchilada filling
-pulled pork
-chicken spaghetti bake
-Greek meatloaf muffins
-cauliflower and Italian sausage casserole
-7 vegetable 'cheese' soup
-smoky white bean chili
-vegan alfredo sauce
-vegan stuffed manicotti shells
-red lentil dal
-chana masala
-lentil mushroom walnut balls
-lactation cookies
How I did it
DAY 1 (1.5-2 hours): In the morning, I started the pulled pork in the crockpot and we ate some for dinner, gave some to a friend for a baby meal, and froze the rest for postpartum. Then before bed, I washed and chopped ALL the produce. This actually took almost two hours! It's the most tedious part of cooking, for me, and it was nice to get it out of the way.
DAY 2 (5 hours): I got EVERYTHING out on the counter. All the ingredients I would need for all of the recipes. Turns out this was overly ambitious, but it kept me from having to search for random stuff mid-recipe. Then I tackled most of the uncooked meat dishes. Before putting anything in freezer bags, I wrote the date, the name of the recipe, and the cooking or re-heating instructions so I wouldn't have to look it up later. To assemble these, I used one bowl for each marinade, rinsing well in between. Same for the small bowl I used for each dry spice mixture. I put the meat right in the freezer bag, dumped the marinade over it, and then sealed and laid the bag horizontally in the deep freezer. This method helped me assemble the jerk chicken tacos, maple dijon chicken, salsa chicken, and beef and broccoli pretty quickly.
Then, since the chicken was already in use, I continued with the rest of the chicken dishes. I put the chicken enchilada filling in the crockpot and put the chicken spaghetti bake in the oven.
While those were cooking, I moved onto the ground meat dishes. I processed all the bread crumbs in the food processor in one batch, to measure out accordingly. Then I used one big bowl for each of the ground meat dishes, rinsing it in between recipes (and using fresh gloves for each batch, because I hate mixing meat with bare hands). I made the meatballs and put them in a freezer bag with the tomato sauce, to be cooked after thawing. Then I made the turkey loaf and Greek meatloaf muffins. When they cooled, I wrapped them in foil and then put them each in a freezer bag and placed in the freezer.
I had to sauté some of the veggies for the meatloaf, and I used the same sauté pan to then cook the Italian sausage, onions, and garlic for the cauliflower and Italian sausage casserole. I boiled the cauliflower in a big soup pot, and then assembled and baked that casserole as well. With the casseroles, I baked them in disposable aluminum trays, cooled in the fridge, covered rightly with foil, and then covered with the included plastic lid, on which I wrote the date and the re-heating instructions.
Then I used that same soup pot to boil the second round of cauliflower, for the alfredo sauce and I went ahead and blended that and put in a freezer bag. Finally, I assembled the white bean chicken chili and let it all simmer in the soup pot while I started to clean up. (I put the rotisserie chicken carcass in the freezer to make bone broth at a later date.)
This all took 5 hours and while I didn't finish everything, I was kind of over it after 5 hours. I still made 13 meals in two days, and the deep freezer is filling up quickly!
DAY 3 (1.5-2 hours): I really didn't want to do more, but I had bought, washed, and chopped all that produce, and I knew I needed to utilize the fresh stuff, lest it go bad. So I made the 7 vegetable cheese soup, the red lentil dal, and the lentil mushroom walnut balls. The other soups I listed mostly utilize canned vegetable purees and frozen veggies, so I will keep those ingredients in the pantry and they'll be reasonably easy to make as needed and store in the fridge for a week. Same with the baked bean and cornbread casserole.
DAY 4 (3 hours, but this is skewed because the toddler was awake and around for most of it): So over it today. But I powered through and made the chana masala, vegan stuffed shells, and a double batch of lactation cookies. I thought the vegan meals would be nice to have for quick lunches, but I forgot that vegan meals sometimes take longer to assemble than meat dishes because you have to cook the beans, roast the walnuts, soak the cashews, etc. Next time I would consider leaving the dal, the chana masala, and the lentil mushroom walnut balls off the list. But they may prove to be invaluable to have on hand, later, so I'll see if it was worth the extra time.
LATER: I still hope to make the pancakes, Glo bars, and breakfast cookies before baby comes, but worst case scenario, Ross and Noah can make those while I supervise.
---
THOUGHTS: Our brand new deep freezer is FULL. It feels really good, but I'm also really over cooking. Like I want to take a whole week off! But I have 18 meals in the freezer, and that feels great. I'm really hopeful that they will taste good/fresh in 1-3 months, and that they really will save time later. I neglected Noah a bit this week in the rush to have these DONE. I hope it keeps my postpartum self from standing in the kitchen too much in the first 2 months, though, and that means more time with Noah (and baby) down the road.
I'll write one more post once we've eaten everything, to follow-up on how it stored and re-heated! For now, here's the final tally of what I made (I put this list on the side of the deep freezer along with side dishes that would turn the frozen dish into a full meal):
-jerk chicken taco meat
-meatballs in tomato sauce
-maple dijon chicken
-salsa chicken
-beef and broccoli
-turkey loaf
-chicken enchilada filling
-pulled pork
-chicken spaghetti bake
-Greek meatloaf muffins
-cauliflower and Italian sausage casserole
-7 vegetable 'cheese' soup
-smoky white bean chili
-vegan alfredo sauce
-vegan stuffed manicotti shells
-red lentil dal
-chana masala
-lentil mushroom walnut balls
-lactation cookies
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