Egypt

Protests are one thing. Violent protests are another. I have family in Cairo so the recent protests are hitting a little closer to home than most other Middle East conflicts. Please pray today for violence anywhere, and that innocent lives may be spared everywhere.

Stress Monster

This week, winter hit hard. In fact, on Tuesday there was snow on the ground in 49 of the 50 states (Florida was the odd one out)! Wednesday was by far the coldest day of winter, so of course that was the day my car decided to die. Again. On the interstate ramp. On my way to work at 6:20 in the morning. I actually think I'm fortunate because a.) I left for work 5-10 minutes earlier than normal yesterday because I had to factor in hiking from the parking lot in the snow, and b.) if my car was going to die while driving, a slow entrance ramp near a gas station was the best possible place.

I drifted to the shoulder and called Ross (twice, because he wasn't awake yet) and hiked to Quick Trip. Ross came within a few minutes and we jumped my car, only to have it die again almost immediately. So we left it stranded there and Ross drove me to work. Sick babies don't take care of themselves, and I was only 2 minutes late after all that! An awesome co-worker drove me home, and now here I sit.

Since Ross has been pulling long hours and late nights at work, I'm stranded at home today. Needless to say, my plan to camp out at Starbucks today and tomorrow and do nothing but study, isn't going to happen.

On today's to-do-list instead:

-get car towed to the place we paid $400 last week to supposedly fix it (it died before Christmas, too, and we had a new alternator installed)

-e-mail friend's dad and high school friend in an attempt to procure a decent car for a decent price in the next few weeks

-run in the cold like the hardcore runner I am ;-)

-walk a mile to Panera to study after lunch, because there are just too many distractions at home

WISH ME LUCK!

I Know the Way You can Get

I know the way you can get
When you have not had a drink of Love:
Your face hardens,
Your sweet muscles cramp.

Children become concerned
About a strange look that appears in your eyes
Which even begins to worry your own mirror
And nose.

Squirrels and birds sense your sadness
And call an important conference in a tall tree.
They decide which secret code to chant
To help your mind and soul.

Even angels fear that brand of madness
That arrays itself against the world
And throws sharp stones and spears into
The innocent
And into one's self.

Oh I know the way you can get
If you have not been drinking Love:
You might rip apart
Every sentence your friends and teachers say,
Looking for hidden clauses.

You might weigh every word on a scale
Like a dead fish.

You might pull out a ruler to measure
From every angle in your darkness
The beautiful dimensions of a heart you once
Trusted.

I know the way you can get
If you have not had a drink from Love's
Hands.

That is why all the Great Ones speak of
The vital need
To keep remembering God,

So you will come to know and see Him
As being so Playful
And Wanting,
Just Wanting to help.

That is why Hafiz says:
Bring your cup near me.
For all I care about
Is quenching your thirst for freedom!

All a Sane man can ever care about
Is giving Love!

From: "I Heard God Laughing - Renderings of Hafiz"
Translated by Daniel Ladinsky


Do you ever forget you're loved? I know I do. But even when I'm unlovable to anyone on Earth, it's reassuring to know that I serve a God who loves every fiber of my being even though I don't deserve it. And out of appreciation for that love, I can only extend it outward and forward and let those around me know that I love them.

Autocognition, Subliminal Messages, and Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.

 

I've been thinking a lot lately... about how I think. I haven't posted in a few days because my mom taught me, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Obviously, I don't follow this rule most of the time. But I posted a quote the other day that said, "Change it or let it go. Complaining is a waste of energy" and I'm really trying to listen. I cannot control other people. I cannot control the weather or time's inevitable march into a colder, darker month. I cannot control the nonsensical layout of our new apartment's kitchen. Do I really need to whine about it and put another negative thought out there in the world?

There is some merit to "getting things off your shoulders," but where's the line between commiserating and straight out making other people miserable with my incessant whining? On the other hand, simply trying to, not complain out loud isn't doing me much good either. After all, who wants to be the silent person sulking in the corner? They may not be moaning and groaning, but you can tell they're not happy. (Why am I saying "they"? This has been me more often than not. I apologize to those of you who have witnessed this.) 

I think something more fundamental has to change. Once I've dug myself deep into the trenches of negative thinking, it's too late. Even if I hold it all in and remain silent, it's going to seep out around the edges. An individual's thought process is a messy place, but there are some messages that play over and over again, once we start to pay attention to them.

My thought reel looks something like this: "I'm so tired, I don't get enough sleep, I hate work, I need to take better care of myself, I think about myself too much, I love working out and eating right, I am too hard on my body, I don't push myself enough, I eat way too much, I don't fuel properly for longer runs, it takes me forever to recover from a hard workout, I'm not meant to be fast, I get bored too easily, I quit too easily, I'm too hard on myself..."

Just typing those out allows me to see the extremes I can sometimes think in. From the vocabulary (never, forever, way, too, don't, hate) to the actual messages I'm sending myself, (yes/no, do/don't, will/won't) I'm setting myself up for failure.

I even label myself. Depending who I'm with, I see myself as the messy one, the flaky one, the dumb one, the whiny one, the fake one, the self-absorbed one. Very few times in my life have I felt like the smart one, the pretty one, the gentle one, the genuine one. And usually when I do feel like that, it's a reflection of who I'm with more than anything. I want that to change. 

I want to be the kind of person you interact with and it improves your day. You know those people. The people who leave you feeling better about yourself than you did before they came by. These people are not self-serving and don't draw attention to themselves, but there's a magnetic pull toward them. People want to be around them. (Now as I type this, I'm wondering if the fact that I want to be this type of person precludes me from actually becoming this selfless person?)

My dad used to tell me that enough people in the world would say bad things about me that I shouldn't waste time saying bad things about myself. Then he'd stand up and try to make me say, "I'm smart, I'm good-looking, and gosh darn it, people like me!" I'd giggle and blow him off as my corny dad, but it turns out he's right.

I'm not saying mind over matter works all of the time. And I'm not claiming to actually have control over anything in my life. I'm simply going to try to think less negatively more positively from one minute to the next.  What are your thoughts? Any help would help! How do you balance humility vs. self-depreciation?

 

"If you keep on saying things are going to be bad, you have a good chance of becoming a prophet." -Isaac Bashevis Singer, Yiddish-American writer (1904-1991)

Change the way you see, not the way you look

If you watch Oprah or Good Morning America, you may have already heard about Operation Beautiful this summer. I heard about it because the author, Caitlin Boyle, also writes one of my favorite blogs: Healthy Tipping Point. In honor of her book being published, she dedicated a week of blogging to discussing how women need to change the way they see themselves, instead of focusing so much on hating the way they look.

Spring Break 2006

It's almost embarrassing to talk about this, because I'm 25 and married. I have a good job and a good life. Yet put me in front of the mirror for too long and I'll go crazy. Most days, I don't wear makeup. Some people would mistakenly think I make that choice because I'm so comfortable in my own skin. In fact, it's because when I really try to do my makeup and hair for a special occasion, it never turns out the way I had hoped. I get discouraged and end up feeling less attractive than I did before putting effort into my appearance.

I am slowly learning to see the merit in dressing up and feeling better about myself (a 'fake it 'til you make it' approach). But most days you'll either find me in my scrubs, workout clothes, or sweats with no makeup, and my hair in a ponytail.

Amarillo 2007

I'm big on negative self-talk. It's a habit I've been trying to break ever since I started reading positive blogs like Caitlin's, but it's a long process. It doesn't help when I work with all women. As a group, we are catty. We gossip. Not only are we not supportive of each other as often as we should be, but we're often not supportive of ourselves.  It breaks my heart when I see a friend struggling, yet I think nothing of beating myself up for my supposed flaws. I'm an intelligent woman. I know this doesn't make sense. But how can it stop?

Part of my answer is seeing that other women have moved beyond it. Many of the blogs I list as my favorites are more than just food blogs. These are women my age writing about being healthy in the real world-- physically and MENTALLY. They are not diet blogs. These bloggers bake amazing cookies with real butter. They train for and run ultra-marathons in addition to working full-time jobs. They publish books at the age of 26. It's amazing what you can accomplish when your mind and body work together instead of against each other.

Colorado 2009

I took a picture of my own Operation Beautiful note this morning and actually thought, "maybe I should put makeup on to cover this huge pimple on my forehead and the circles under my eyes. I look gross." But then I caught myself in the middle of negative self-talk! Ashamed, I took the picture and walked away.

Ross didn't know this was my handwriting. Boys.

Afterward, I went to my friend Tiffany's apartment to do a ballet DVD. She's the one who got me into ballet back in 3rd grade! We talked and worked out for 30 minutes. Good for the body and the heart.

Early in the afternoon, I took cupcakes to work to say goodbye to my primary and my associate patient. (They both went home on the same day. Work will be sad for a little while.)  I bought a treat for myself, too, and enjoyed it with relish!

Chocolate! Picture courtesy of Dolce Baking Company's website.

Then I went to Lawrence with Ross and hung out at a coffee shop while he went to his first grad school class of the semester. We went to dinner at The Local Burger and grocery shopping at The Merc. It was the most time we'd spent together in a long time, between me traveling and our opposite work schedules. We had fun talking about nothing and everything.

This evening, I was running on the treadmill and it faces a mirror. I could have been thinking, "eww that jiggles" or, "maybe I shouldn't wear spandex this tight." Instead, I only 'allowed' myself to think positive things like, "it's awesome that you actually went running after putting it off all day!" And "look how strong your legs have gotten." Corny as that is, it actually did cheer me up!

There are a few posts from "Change the Way You See, Not the Way You Look" week that really resonated with me.  One was by a mom named Sarah who is raising two little girls. She says she actually wanted to have girls in hopes of raising "confident, strong, and secure girls since I never was myself." She has a few ideas about how to do this, and I recognize these as things my own mom did as well: Value girls for who they are instead of what the look like. Don't talk about other people's bodies. Lead by example. Sarah says,

Somewhere along the way in my first few years of parenting girls, my own confidence grew and my acting became believing.  I thought about how I would feel if my girls scrutinized themselves they way I had.  I looked at their rounded bellies, their full cheeks and chins and their dimply thighs and imagined what I would tell them if they agonized over these “flaws.”  Most of all though, I worried about how I could teach them about valuing themselves and valuing others beyond what they saw in the mirror, if I wasn’t willing to give that gift to myself.

She ends her amazing post by asking, if you could write an Operation Beautiful note to your teenage self, what would you say?  I thought about it, and there are thousands of things I'd like to warn myself about. But considering that most of high school I was very preoccupied with my body, I think the message that would stick the most is, "being skinny won't make you happy. But being happy will make you feel beautiful!"

High school friends the summer we graduated

Looking back, the pictures I love most are those in which I'm happy, regardless of where I was in my body struggles at the time.  I've been relatively the same size for about 7 years now, but that can look very different (to me at least) from one picture to the next. The genuine smiles and glowing cheeks are what make the pictures look good or bad.  With this in mind, I actually like the pictures of me from my recent trip to Texas. I was having fun and I was in a comfortable environment. BLISS. (I'm convinced this is why kids can't take bad pictures. They're always so happy!)

Avery and me at Central Market

On the other hand, it's really hard to like what you see in the mirror when you know you haven't been nice to your body. Most recently, I hated how I looked on night shift. I was always puffy and tired. I ate anything and everything at work just to stay awake. Junk food at 3am makes you feel better briefly, but it makes you feel so much worse in the long run. Especially when it becomes a regular occurrence. Yes, I was working out during this time, but I was unhappy, unhealthy overall, and overtired.

A blogger named Emilie also recognizes this connection.  In her post, she says,

It's wonderful to be positive and to tell women:  "You are beautiful just they way you are."  And I love the sentiment behind Operation Beautiful, but Caitlin's mission, I think, is even more rich than that.  Some women look at themselves in the mirror and don't like what they see no matter what they see, and Caitlin is striving to teach women not to be so hard on themselves.  But for a lot of women, and this was true for me, the negative self image is connected to the knowledge that there needed to be some lifestyle changes.  I didn't like how I looked at all a few years ago, when I also knew that I needed to get myself in shape and start making healthier choices.  Now I'm pretty satisfied because what I see in the mirror, while by no means perfect, is coupled with my knowledge that I'm eating healthy and exercising regularly. 

This definitely clicked with me. I feel better about myself now that I'm running than I did 8 months ago, even though I haven't really lost weight. There have been several points in my life when my negative self image is connected to the knowledge that I need to make some lifestyle changes. It was impossible (and it almost felt hypocritical) for me to look in the mirror this last winter and think, you're perfect the way you are. I knew things needed to change. In junior high, my mom gave me a Christian book about inner beauty and one of the things that has stuck with me is that God can say, I love you just the way you are, and I love you too much to let you stay the way you are. We need to learn to tell ourselves the same thing sometimes.

Florida Keys 2009

The third post that really stood out to me was by an awesome girl named Angela. Her blog is positive, uplifting, and real. She's so good at putting things into words. I read her writing and think it's like she read my mind! She's a few steps ahead of me on the self-acceptance thing, though. Her post was on the idea of a 'happy weight.'  She says,

I always told myself in 10 pounds, I would finally be happy. All I had to do was lose 10 pounds and achieve ‘x’ weight and my life would fall into place. In 10 pounds, I could eat normally, binges would stop, and I could stop hating myself. All I had to do was lose 10 pounds and my problems would be solved. I would love myself in 10 pounds….but not yet.

Sound familiar? I recognize a lot of myself in this attitude, and I'm slowly coming to terms with it. When you think about it, isn't it obvious that when you allow an extrinsic factor to determine your happiness, you will never be happy?! In the end, Angela knows she's at her 'happy weight' now, but she doesn't know what that actual number is. And that's okay.

Here's her Operation Beautiful note:

There's a quote from the book Eat, Pray, Love that I highlighted a while ago (I'd also like to say I fell in love with the book when the movie was just a twinkle in Elizabeth Gilbert's eye). Gilbert is journaling as her life falls apart around her and says,

This is what I find myself writing to myself on the page: I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long. I will stay with you…There is nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.

Tonight, this strange interior gesture of friendship- the lending of a hand from me to myself- reminds me of something that happened to me in New York City. I walked into an office building and dashed into the elevator. As I rushed in, I caught an unexpected glimpse of myself in the mirror. In that moment my brain did an odd thing- it fired off this split-second message: ‘Hey! You know her! That’s a friend of yours!' And I actually ran forward toward my own reflection with a smile, ready to welcome that girl whose name I had lost but whose face was so familiar. In a flash instant, of course, I realized my mistake and laughed in embarrassment at my almost doglike confusion over how a mirror works. But for some reason that incident comes to mind again tonight during my sadness in Rome and I find myself writing this comforting reminder at the bottom of the page: Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.”

Amarillo 2007

Some of the things I say to myself, I would never dream of saying out loud to a friend I loved. It would hurt their feelings and damage our friendship. (More to the point, I have never even thought these things about my friends because physical appearance is not what makes me love them.) So why on earth do I continue to say these things to myself? When it comes to broken hearts, I have no one to blame but myself. Treating myself with kindness should be the rule, not the exception.

Canada 2008

Finally, about my own Operation Beautiful note. The Serenity Prayer is wonderful because it's so applicable to so many situations:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

Friends at my bachelorette party in 2008

I CAN do my part to reach out and make friends. I can train for a marathon and fuel my body with real food. I cannot change my weak chin or crooked nose. But with time and practice (and certainly a generous amount of gentle forgiveness) I can learn to accept those things the way they are. I can't change the way I look, but I can change the way I see.

Wedding day 2008

Christ Chapel

Sunday morning started off the best way possible: 9:15 service at Christ Chapel.

Ted Kitchens is an amazing pastor. He gets the point of scriptures across with wisdom and humor. Not flashy shows and "hip" clothing. Contemporary worship has the potential to draw people in, or else make a mockery of everything church stands for. It's a fine line, but Christ Chapel has always been solidly on the correct side.  Here's a video of everything CCBC is not:

Kind of funny, but kind of not. This is all too common in today's churches and it's part of the reason I STILL haven't found a church up here. But being back there made me realize I need a Godly community in my life again, even if it can't meet the standards CCBC set for me.

Anyway, Ted's opening prayer started with Matthew 11:28 saying, "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." I've certainly been weary and burdened lately, even though half my burdens are self-imposed (I'm working on that).

When I drove into Ft. Worth Saturday and saw that oh-so-familiar stretch of I-30 between University Drive and Hulen Street, tears of JOY spilled down my face. I suddenly felt 30 pounds lighter, like a weight had been lifted off my chest, like I'd been holding my breath for 10 months and could finally exhale. But during Ted's prayer, I realized that God said, "come to ME," not "come to Texas." (As much as all native Texans would love that interpretation).

After the prayer, a Zig Ziglar quote came up on the screen: "Every problem carries a seed of an equivalent or greater benefit."  Problem: I haven't adjusted to KC yet.  Benefit: Yet to be determined. But I won't find it if I don't start looking for it!

The sermon (click here to see the whole thing) was called "The Temple, the Tower, the Tree, and the Truth" and covered Luke 13:1-9. The "tree" part is what spoke to me the most:

Then he told this parable: "A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, 'For three years now I've been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven't found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?' " 'Sir,' the man replied, 'leave it alone for one more year, and I'll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.' "

Justice (which we all deserve) would be cutting the tree down after 3 fruitless years. Mercy (which God surprisingly offers us even though we don't deserve it) is allowing one more year. But not just another year of borrowed time (avoiding disaster)... one more year to reach its ultimate goal: a fruitful life.  

Even thought the tree currently shows no sign of bearing fruit, the owner is willing to take responsibility and put forth the extra effort to fertilize the tree.  2 Peter 3:9 says, "The Lord is not slow about his promise, as some think of slowness, but is patient with you, not wanting any to perish, but all to come to repentance." 

Even though I deserve punishment, and have been ignorant of God this year, He is giving me time. Time in which I can put forth the extra effort to enrich my own life, which has been given to me for a short while. If it was all about justice, I'd be cut down instantly. But fortunately, God is all about mercy, and that's exactly what I need.

However, I can't continue to live on borrowed time. I need to work toward the goal of fruitfulness. Luke 3:8-9 instructs us to "Bear fruits worthy of repentance....Even now the ax is lying at the root of the trees; every tree therefore that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire" (3:8-9).

Luke 6:43 says, "No good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit; for each tree is known by its own fruit." My rotten attitude lately stems from rotten roots. It sounds humorous, but right now I'm a "bad tree." How can I expect to bear good fruit?  It's like the saying, "change creates change." (And then I think of the Maya Angelou quote, "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.") To really change my attitude, I must change my heart.

If I ONLY focus on God's justice and mercy in this passage, I'm missing the bigger point. That point is that in gratitude I have the responsibility to repent. And by repenting, I can witness the startling mercy of God.  Our God is a God who will judge, make no mistake about it, but one who can be persuaded to grant a little more time to his children. Time in which we can repent.

Ted points out that repentance is not: remorse, resolution, a sorrowful feeling, penance, an effort to atone, reform, or turning a new leaf. 

Repentance is...

1. A change of attitude. When the prodigal son came to his senses, he said, "I will set out and go back to my father..." Luke 15:17-18. We must change out mind about God, ourselves, and our needs.

2. A change of affection. We must admit that we have sinned and are no longer worthy to be called God's children (Luke 15:18-19). We must start loving the things God loves.


3. A change of actions. This is always my personal stumbling block. Isn't it easier to just do what you've always done? But taking the same road to nowhere won't magically end up where I want it to just because I want it enough. I have to get off the couch and take steps in the right direction. I can't presume on God's kindness, letting that be an excuse for failing to change my own heart and embrace God's mercy.

"Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance, and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance?" Romans 2:4

Just because I want to blab on and on, and jam up your computer screen with too much data, here's a video of one of my favorite songs. It's called "When God Ran." After hearing it, you'll want to run to God, too. I can't believe I didn't hear this song until a college retreat!

Thank you, Ted, for this kick in the pants! It's exactly what I needed to hear after 10 months of fruitless whining.

National Day of Prayer

*

I'd like to share a prayer that has gotten me through some tough times. I'm not sure where I found it, but it's been on a sticky note on my laptop for 2+ years now.

God, make me brave for life: oh, braver than this.
Let me straighten after pain,
as a tree straightens after the rain,
Shining and lovely again.
God, make me brave for life; much braver than this.
As the blown grass lifts, let me rise
From sorrow with quiet eyes,
Knowing Thy way is wise.
God, make me brave, life brings
Such blinding things.
Help me to keep my sight;
Help me to see aright
That out of dark comes light.

Isn't it ironic... don't you think?

I'm a good whiner. Probably because I get so much practice ;-) One of my specialties is whining about things I have no control over, because then no one can blame me for whining about something instead of changing it! Case in point: night shift.
I have the UTMOST respect for night-shifters. They are always *cool* and I REALLY WISH I could be one of them. However, it's hard to be cool when you'd rather be asleep. I've always been more of an early riser than a night owl. I am trying to be more optimistic, and I had actually been thinking about writing a post listing all the POSITIVE things about night shift to cheer myself up.
Instead, today I found out a day shift position has opened for May 2. That's soon! Suddenly, I'm thrown into turmoil. ALL I WANTED was to move to day shift. I blame most of my problems on night shift and I tell myself the when I can just be on day shift, things will change. I had basically resigned myself to a year's worth of night shift and all that it entails. Yet now I can't decide if I want to put my name in for consideration?!
So. The "positives" list is now a "pro and con" list.
PROS of staying on night shift:
1) Obviously, MONEY! The night shift differential makes a big difference on my paycheck and between taking a paycut to move up here and watching income taxes drain away a good percent of my paycheck, that differential seems to be the only thing keeping us afloat.
2) Slower pace (this is also a con... see below). When it's
3) People TEND to be more easygoing. Don't misinterpret this. I have some great dayshift friends from JPS (my old hospital) and I hope to make some here, too. However, people one night shift tend to be more laid-back.
4) The slower pace allows me some free time to play with babies! The best part about my job! My primary patient is going home soon and taking care of her has kept me coming to work these last few months. When I don't want to work, I just think, "I get to see sweet pea!" and I can drag myself out the door. I miss her when I'm gone. Now that she's so close to leaving, I've definitely started to dread coming to work and not taking care of her.
The best part about my job!
5) Now that it's warming up, I was semi-looking forward to the workout schedule I got used to last time I was on night shift. I'd wake up around 4pm, go on a good bike ride or run on the Trinity Trail, shower, eat, and get to work. The last bit of sunshine really energized me and helped me stay awake at work. However, we don't have a great trail in our backyard anymore so it would've been a little more complicated. (We didn't realize how lucky we were- I wish I'd used the trail more. I MISS IT SO MUCH! Now any way you go from our apartment, it's busy roads, interrupted sidewalks, and hills.)
CONS of night shift:
1) Sometimes the night passes SO SLOWLY that I'm tempted to find an empty patient room, curl up in a pediatric crib, and crash! You'd think that all that free time would be a great time to study, read a good book, etc. Except it's IMPOSSIBLE for me to focus at 2am. Trust me, I've tried. I end up reading the same page over and over again and not absorbing anything. I was never able to pull studying all-nighters in school, why would I suddenly be able to do so now!?
2) I never see Ross. He works in the morning, so he's not there when I get home and eat breakfast after work, and he is either headed to class when I wake up, or else we see each other for about an hour before I have to leave.
3) My body is all out of whack. Some people can sleep anytime, anywhere. I used to think I was one of those people. While I definitely do sleep when I get off in the mornings, it's not quality sleep and I don't feel rested when I wake up. On my nights off I can't sleep, period. I'm usually up wasting time in front of the computer or TV until 4am or later. I also feel hungry all the time because I'm so tired and suddenly I'm eating 24 hours a day!
PROS of switching to day shift:
1) A healthy sleep schedule = normal circadian rhythm = a happy Therese
2) I'd actually get to see my husband!
3) When we visit family, I will get to spend more time with them instead of sleeping the day away and then prowling around the kitchen at 2am when my body now gets hungry for "lunch" and everyone else is asleep.
4) I can work 4 days a week without messing up my sleep schedule on days off even further. And I can split them up (on 2, off 1, on 2) without losing an entire week of my life.
5) I'll always know what day it is! On night shift, I'll go into work on, say, a Monday and work 2 nights in a row. One night off means sleeping most of that day and night, being awake the following day and then taking a nap before going to work again. I'll get off work the next morning, take a nap, and then before I know it, it's 5 days later!
6) SUNLIGHT!

CONS of day shift:
1) MONEY
2) The transition. I worked nights for 9 months at JPS, and after I switched it took another 9 months to learn to sleep throught the night again and be rested for day shift! That left me with 3 months of "normalcy" before moving to Kansas and going back to night shift. Three months in which I saw the light of day, went to the farmer's market on my days off, and actually hung out with friends (I miss afternoon walks with Brittnye and Avery!) I know I said I'm an early riser, but when I've been sleeping from 8am-4pm on days I work and about 4am-1pm on days I'm off, it takes time to adjust to going to bed early and sleeping through the night again. I've only been on night shift 5 months here, but that's plently long enough to be out-of-whack once again.
3) SORE FEET. Right now, I can wake up and work out before work without making myself more tired. But on day shift, it's hard (read: impossible) to wake up at 5am, work out, and then work a 12 hour shift and remain on your feet the whole time. My feet were always so tired after leaving work on day shift that the LAST thing I wanted to do was go home and pound the pavement for a good workout.

I remember when I was nearing the end of my night shift stint in Texas, I had been sitting and rocking a baby for 30 minutes and that Trace Adkins song popped into my head, "You're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back, you're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast..." But I wasn't too worried because I knew we'd be moving eventually and I'd inevitably be put on night shift at least once more in my life. But now that it's possibly over for good, I'm panicking! I hate when things end.
"And isn't it ironic... don't you think
It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures"

(Comments/advice/prayers greatly appreciated!)

He is Risen, Alleluia!

Here is Love

Here is love, vast as the ocean
Lovingkindness as the flood
When the Prince of Life, our Ransom
Shed for us His precious blood
Who His love will not remember?
Who can cease to sing His praise?
He can never be forgotten
Throughout Heav'n's eternal days

On the mount of crucifixion
Fountains opened deep and wide
Through the floodgates of God's mercy
Flowed a vast a gracious tide
Grace and love, like mighty rivers
Poured incessant from above
And Heav'n's peace and perfect justice
Kissed a guilty world in love

No love is higher, no love is wider
No love is deeper, no love is truer
No love is higher, no love is wider
No love is like Your love, Oh Lord

Amazing Love

I'm so behind the times. I finally saw the movie The Passion of the Christ and it's been out for 5+ years. I've wanted to watch it, but I knew it couldn't just be a movie on in the background. I would have to give it my undivided attention for 2 1/2 hours. When we got home from Easter Vigil Saturday night, my mom and I sat down to watch.

I never imagined this movie being so gruesome! But at the same time, it makes the truth much more real and easier for our feeble minds to grasp. More real than stations of the cross and the nice wood carvings and stained glass widows in church ever depicted. The only thing I could think was, what an AMAZING LOVE! Jesus didn't just die for us. HE SUFFERED AND DIED. Each one of my sins was a thorn in his head, a lash of the whip. This is how much our sins hurt him. But then not only does he demonstrate his strength to endure physical pain, he endures out ridicule, our ignorance, our disobedience today. How can we know what he suffered for us and still hurt him further? And HOW can he still love us when we don't appreciate what he did for us?! The punishment he took so we wouldn't have to?

"Amazing Love" is one of my favorite contemporary worship songs and I think this video depicts it perfectly. Click on the 4 arrows at the bottom of the video for a full-screen view.

**Warning: this video contains some graphic images from the movie The Passion of the Christ**

Amazing Love

I'm forgiven because you were forsaken
I'm accepted, you were condemned
I'm alive and well
Your spirit is within me
Because you died and rose again

Amazing love, how can it be?
That you, my king would die for me
Amazing love, I know it's true
It's my joy to honor you
Amazing love how can it be?
That my king would die for me
Amazing love I know it's true
It's my joy to honor you
In all I do
I honor you

You are my king
You are my king
Jesus, You are my king
Jesus, You are my king

Amazing love, how can it be?
That you, my king, would die for me
Amazing love, I know it's true
It's my joy to honor you
Amazing love, how can it be
That you, my king would die for me
Amazing love I know it's true
It's my joy to honor you
In all I do I honor you
In all I do honor you

Imaginary Distresses

I go through phases of feeling really sorry for myself on night shift. In fact, you're probably sick of hearing about it! However, I recently picked Screwtape Letters off my bookshelf again. It's been a long time since I read it and it's the type of book that will speak differently to you depending on where you are in life.

Among some night shifters (the ones who can't return to a "normal" schedule on their days off, no matter how hard they try), there's a phenomenon called "shift work disorder." This applies to the people who suffer insomnia and excessive sleepiness from working nights.
The CDC did a study a few years ago and found that, obviously, most of the risks associated with night work are related to a simple lack of sleep and not being able to keep up steady, healthy behaviors- such as eating right and getting exercise. This, of course, leads to higher rates of cardiac disease and metabolic syndromes in night-shift workers. Digestive problems are also common, either because of poor eating habits or because the digestive system isn't used to working hard in the middle of the night.
I frequently complain of one or more of the above issues, including not being awake do to normal things with normal people at normal times of the day (or run errands during normal business hours). Poor me, right? Well, C.S. Lewis managed to kick me in the butt this week!
In Screwtape Letters, two demons are writing letters back and forth about the soul of an unfortunate man they always refer to as "the patient". The demons are trying to win the man's soul despite his conversion to Christianity and God's love for him (they refer to God as the Enemy). Quotes can be confusing out of context, but bear with me. Or even better, read the book! It's amazingly thought-provoking, but not in a way that makes it a chore to read. It's very much a story we can all learn from and not just some Christian living manual.
But I digress. Here I am, feeling sorry for myself, and I read about "the patient" taking a walk and renewing his faith in God. The senior demon writes to the younger one, saying:

...you allowed (the patient) two real positive pleasures. Were you so ignorant as not to see the danger of this? The characteristic of Pains or Pleasures is that they are unmistakably real and therefore give the man who feels them a touchstone of reality. Thus if you had been trying to damn your man by the Romantic method- by making him a kind of Childe Harold submerged in self-pity for imaginary distresses- you would try to protect him at all costs from any real pain; because, of course, five minutes' genuine toothache would reveal the romantic sorrows for the nonsense they were and unmask your whole stratagem.

I realized at that moment that I am certainly a victim of my own imaginary distresses. I had to stop and take stock of reality. Life's not perfect, but I certainly don't have it too bad! Sure, I hate my schedule, but I have a steady job! Yes, I took a paycut to move up here and I'm not used to income taxes, but I get regular paychecks every 2 weeks! I may not see my husband a lot right now, but he works so hard and I know I married a man with a wonderful heart. Yes, my back hurts and I'm struggling to live a healthy lifestyle without a healthy sleep pattern, but overall, I am still young and healthy! Most importantly, no, I cannot control my life or those around me, but God knit my inner being and He knows when I sit and when I stand. I was raised by amazing parents who taught me to turn to God in all circumstances.

Ross, my "baby" brother Bobby, me, and my Dad at the 2010 Big 12 Tournament (By the way, Mom, did you get any good pictures of the two of us when you were in town a few weeks ago?!)

Ross being a kid with the two boys I babysat in Fort Worth

I saw a homeless man on the corner today with crutches, a bad leg, and rags for clothes. Call me a sucker, but it always hurts my heart to see that depth of pain and vulnerability! (Homeless discussion aside, please. Yes, there are 1,000 reasons people are begging for change on the corner and not all of them are honorable or necessary. But it still hurts my heart.) I'm sitting here in my heated, (partially) furnished apartment with the knowledge that next Friday is payday and I have to admit that my life is pretty cushy.

September 2009: taking a walk in the Florida Keys. Definitely a Real Pleasure!

The demons want to detach their "patient" from REAL pleasures and pains and I very much recognize that sin in my life. Time goes by faster if I walk around in a general haze, always blaming others for my problems, and feeling sorry for myself. God watch to detach us from ourselves, but in a different ways. The demon tells his apprentice,

(God) sets an absurd value on the distinctness of every human. When He talks of their losing their selves, He only means abandoning the clamour of self-will; once they have done that, He really gives them back all their personality, and boasts that when they are wholly His they will be more themselves than ever. Hence, while He is delighted to see them sacrificing even their innocent will to His, He hates to see them drifting away from their own nature for any other reason.

Boy am I guilty of drifting away from my own nature in a bad way! I don't feel like myself when I'm tired, cranky, self-centered, and selfish, but it's become such a habit I suppose that's what others see when they look at me. I'm not myself, and I'm not His either! What a scary place to be, and I know I no longer want to be here. I'm sure it hurts God's heart to see one of his children trying to make time pass quickly when time is such a gift, a luxury, and not something to fritter away. I need to live in the present, not yesterday or tomorrow.
In fact, C.S. Lewis says, "the Present is the point at which time touches eternity. Of the present moment, and of it only, humans have an experience analogous to the experience which (God) has of reality as a whole; in it alone freedom and actuality are offered them." God would rather have us continually concerned with eternity or with the Present. Not the past or earthly future. Living in the present, Lewis notes, means "obeying the present voice of conscience, bearing the present cross, receiving the present grace, and giving thanks for present pleasure." Quite a task!

Ash Wednesday

Sadly, I didn't get to go to church this Wednesday because I am in the middle of 3 night shifts in a row. However, I love Ash Wednesday. Here's one of my favorite songs from services when I was a kid:

Ashes
We rise again from ashes,
from the good we've failed to do.
We rise again from ashes,
to create ourselves anew.
If all our world is ashes,
then must our lives be true,
An offering of ashes,
An offering to You.

We offer You our failures,
we offer You attempts;
The gifts not fully given,
the dreams not fully dreamt.
Give our stumblings direction,
give our visions wider view,
An offering of ashes,
An offering to You.

Then rise again from ashes,
let healing come to pain;
Though spring has turned to winter,
and sunshine turned to rain.
The rain we'll use for growing,
and create the world anew,
From an offering of ashes,
An offering to You.

Thanks be to the Father,
who made us like Himself.
Thanks be to His Son,
who saved us by His death.
Thanks be to the Spirit,
who creates the world anew,
From an offering of ashes,
An offering to You.

It's a very simple gospel song, but the lyrics are just so beautiful and poignant. I always get chills when we sing it!

Are you giving up anything for Lent? I'm not so good at giving things up (therefore it'd probably be good for me to make myself do so); instead, I'm making a "Lenten Resolution" to go to church every Sunday this season. I know that sounds like a small thing, and very easy for some. But it's hard to want to get up and go to church when you've only gotten an hour or two of sleep! I like the church we've chosen for now, but I wish it were closer. The drive also makes it hard to get up and go in the mornings. But I'm excited for the "Just..." series they're doing right now (see several posts ago) and I really need to re-center my life on the One thing that matters most and Lent is a great time to do that.

Super (Bowl) Sunday

Yesterday was a good day. For starters, Ross and I went to church at 11:00am and FINALLY found a church we both like! I'm ashamed to admit that the church hunt fell to the wayside with holidays and traveling to see families. And then either Ross was working Sunday mornings or I had worked the Saturday night before and just wanted to go home and go to sleep. I know, excuses, excuses. The verdict for now seems to be Heartland Community Church in Olathe. It's a 15 minute drive, which isn't ideal but then again, we were spoiled having Christ Chapel 5 minutes away from our apartment in Fort Worth.

We chose a good Sunday to attend. This was the first Sudnay of a series called "Just..." They played the U2 song "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" and I think it summed up my life right now! The pastor was talking about how we tend to live in the past and the immediate future instead of the present and the eternal future like we should. I know I certainly find myself thinking, "things will be better when I can just move to day shift, just wait until the weather is warmer, just pay off our credit card, just save up for a house...

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says, "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." I always read this and think that "in its time" means, "someday in the future when the timing is right." However, it can also be read, "He has made everything beautiful in its time," which is the present. I don't know if I'm doing justice to the sermon, but it was very, well, timely. We can't wait to get more involved in church again! I'm sure some of our stress lately has been because we lost our center in Christ and let ourselves become distracted with daily worries instead.

Sunday evening, we went to my Aunt Theresa and Uncle Charlie's house for the Super Bowl. I played Rumicube and drank wine with my aunt and some of her friends while Ross and all the boys watched the game. We had a lot of fun and munched on yummy game food. All in all, it was the best Sunday we've had in a while.

A New Day

Metaphor
by Eve Merriam

Morning is
a new sheet of paper
for you to write on.

Whatever you want to say,
all day,
until night
folds it up
and files it away.

The bright words and the dark words
are gone
until dawn
and a new day
to write on.

Thanks for the prayers

Thanks for the prayers and concerns, everyone! My mom had abdominal surgery Thursday morning to remove some scar tissue and the anesthesiologist said the cause of her pain was obvious: part of her small intestine was kinked like a garden hose! They fixed that adhesion as well as a second one they noticed. They also removed the appendix while they were in there, which I find hilarious. But since it'll take some time for everything to start working properly again, it makese sense to just remove it now instead of letting it sit there at higher risk of infection. The last thing she needs is another hospitalization and an emergency appendectomy!

She seemed to feel much better after surgery and was more awake than I'd seen her in several days. She said a lot of the "pressure" feeling on her abdomen had gone away. I would hope so-- they removed 1 liter of fluid that had accumulated due to swelling and third-spacing, which is a lot of water pressure on internal organs! Of course, the epidural Fentanyl probably helped her feel better in general, too.

Beautiful flowers in my mom's hospital room from my dad's co-workers

Friday morning, our family friend Fr. Michael Mukasa came to visit her at the hospital and brought Communion, which I know meant a lot to my mom! (Don't worry, I temporarily disconnected the NG suction so the Host didn't immediately get sucked up). He was in town from Uganda for a presentation and fundraiser for Father Michael's Children (www.frmichaelschildren.com). My mom had signed up to go to the presentation but obviously coudn't, so I stopped in to say hello to Fr. Michael. He asked where my mom was and when I told him, he immediately asked for her hospital and room number and said he would visit her! I wasn't the only one in Omaha at a fortuitous time :o)

Since my mom is up and talking and making laps around the unit, she's definitely on the uphill. We're all ready for her to try some clear fluids and see how she tolerates them. Maybe Saturday... Until then, she's been more up for visitors and has been quite popular! After I left Friday around noon, she had non-stop visitors until bedtime! I'm so glad she's feeling a little better. She was in pretty bad shape when I stayed overnight with her Monday night. I hate seeing loved ones in so much pain. I know being sedentary drives her crazy, so I'm praying she gets to drink and then eat and get that NG tube out ASAP and go home.

Also, to any nursing friends who are reading this: if a family member says an IV doesn't look right, fully check out the IV! In the NICU, we're fastidious about out peripheral IVs. It doesn't take long for running fluid to infiltrate and since babies' skin is so sensitive, NICU nurses have to be good at recognizing the minute something's wrong. I knew my mom's antecubital IV was infiltrating, but it took her nurse about 2 hours to finally agree with me (meanwhile, about 125 ml of fluid had gone into the tissue around the IV instead of into the vein). Now her left bicep is bruised and sore. Grrr!

Overall, though, I really liked the people who took care of her at Methodist in Omaha while I was there. Especially her CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) the last two days, Kelli. Nursing techs are so overworked and underpaid! It'd be tempting to do the bare minimum, but Kellie took the time to have conversations with my mom every time she came in the room. When she was changing the sheets Friday, my mom wanted to wipe down with some wet towels and Kelli washed her calves and feet and then put lotion on them! Not everyone will do that, let alone with a smile on their face!

In other news, my dad's tooth has been hurting all week and he had a root canal today. I felt terrible leaving Omaha with my mom still in the hospital and my dad about to go under local anesthesia for a procedure! Fortunetely, he said it went well. I just hope he's not too sore tomomrrow once the Novacaine has worn off.

Poor Bobby (my "baby" brother who is 17 years old), getting left with all this along with his high school and AP classes and busy sports schedule! I wish I didn't have to work. I would've stayed in Omaha all week and helped to get things back to normal when my mom came home.

As it is, I know all of our family and friends have been praying for us this week and that means a lot. Please don't stop now! This coming week will be just as hard with my mom hopefully moving toward coming home and adjusting to day-to-day life again, which is always painful after any abdominal surgery. And my poor dad is a patient himself, trying to be there full-time for my mom while she's an inpatient! My parents are wonderful and I'm glad I got to be there a little bit for them this week, after all the times they've been there for me!

Hospital

My dad is an ER doctor. The best in Omaha, in my opinion. He's in charge of the Emergency Department at Nebraska Medical Center (the merger of UNMC and Clarkson hospitals). Growing up, he never freaked out about sore throats, bruises, stomach aches, runny noses, etc. Advil, ice, heat, or lots of water and the occasional Triaminic were applied as needed to most physical woes.

Last night, my mom had a sudden onset of extreme abdominal pain and after an hour or so, my dad took her to the ER. Since this is basically unprecedented in my family, my brothers and I slept fitfully last night and my dad stayed at the hospital until she was through ER testing, admitted as an inpatient, and settled in around 3am.

At this point, it looks like she'll be there tonight as well. She has an NG tube and the IV nausea meds are only helping a little. (I hate the idea of NG tubes. Through your nose and down to your stomach. Ouch!) She's scheduled for more x-rays this afternoon and they still aren't sure exactly what the problem is.

I'm glad I happened to be in town to babysit my cousins! I'm hoping to stay with my mom tonight so my dad can get some rest. Moral of this post: please pray for my mom!

School Update

Ross and I have been waiting on tether hooks for his grad school acceptance letter. They were supposed to be out by the end of October. Fifteen students applied for the Interaction Design program and they are only accepting 7. This week has been stressful waiting for that, knowing I have night shift looming in front of me, and trying to manage the fact that even though I started work at my new hospital October 19, I don't get paid until November 13!

Today, Ross got an e-mail saying that things are going "slower than expected" and we should hear by the end of next week now. I guess there's nothing to do but wait some more! He's also getting antsy because while he got a job offer last week to work 35-40 hours a week, the manager has yet to call and put him on the schedule.

Needless to say, our little apartment has been fulled with stress and we're getting on each other's nerves. Please pray for peace in our household!

Falling in Love

I have a problem. I fall in love with "my" babies at work and then I really miss them when they leave! I only have 4 shifts left at JPS so I haven't let myself get too close to anyone new in the last few weeks. However, I had grown quite attached to a baby who was in the NICU for 3 months. The little miracle baby with a big personality! She went home last week but now might get re-admitted for RSV... this virus will cause a cold in adults but for babies it's BAD NEWS. Lots of people are having babies right now-- when you visit the little one, WASH YOUR HANDS! Hand sanitizer won't help because RSV is a virus.

Please, please pray for "my" baby that she can fight through this just like she fought through everything involved in NICU life. She's such a happy, strong, sweet baby. I guess this is the downside of having a NICU cuddle-buddy.

"If one feels the need of something grand, something infinite, something that makes one feel aware of God, one need not go far to find it. I think that I see something deeper, more infinite, more eternal than the ocean in the expression of the eyes of a little baby when it wakes in the morning and coos or laughs because it sees the sun shining on its cradle." *Vincent van Gogh*