Crammed

I feel like a weight has been lifted. I wish it was from my chest, but it's off my shoulders at least.  After 4 days of steroids, I'm still hacking away at the slightest provocation of breathlessness and I'm desperate. I do love steroids sometimes, but I'd prefer to only need them once every few years. This is the third round in the last 9 months. Something's gotta give before my bones do (nothing like getting diagnosed with osteopenia at the age of 22 to make you feel old).


1. The first to go is farm work. I probably shouldn't have blogged about Urbavore immediately after getting home when I was tired, cranky, cold, and oh-so-sore. After a hot shower and a round with the neti-pot, I was left with yes, aching muscles and wheezing, but also the immense satisfaction of a job well done. Few things can be more fundamental and important as growing your own food and knowing exactly how it got to your plate. I feel very passionately about that. But 15 hours a week on top of my full-time job is a bit ambitious even without asthma in the mix.

There is 100% chance of soaking, revitalizing, but yes cold rain today and the high temps are only supposed to hit the low 40s. I do feel a little bit  really guilty and wimpy because the farmers (one of whom is 6 months pregnant) and interns are out in the field working in this weather. I came home from work last night in a panic because a cold and wet Therese is not an animal you want to encounter in the wild, but also because cold = bronchospasms and a day out in this weather would further lower my immunity. I had to tell Brooke. Fortunately, she was very understanding.

image from google search

We're still trying to figure out if my stipulations (avoid straw, hay, debris, mold, and dust) are conducive to actually being helpful on the farm once a week. If so, I'd LOVE to stay involved, even if it means picking pole beans for hours on end beneath the summer sun (mmm... sun). But for now, I'm at home recovering. And no matter what, I will be FULLY supporting the Badseed Farmer's Market and Urbavore Farm Stand all summer- if you're in town, I'd love to take you and introduce you to the people who have poured their lives into such an incredible and worthy endeavor.

2. The second thing to go, temporarily, is gluten. Homeopathic remedies seem to be hit-or-miss, but I'm desperate and there are a good number of people who swear that a gluten-free diet reduces inflammation. As much as I love baking and eating the fruits of the breadbasket of America, I need to give gluten-free another shot. My month of clean eating in February ended after two weeks because, let's be honest, it was a lot of work and it was also inconvenient/embarrassing in social situations. (I know, there are more important things, but really. We live in a society built around convenience.)

While my stomach never really felt better, my asthma did drastically improve during those two weeks. I'm not sure if it was the lack of gluten or lack of dairy (both of which have been blamed as inflammatory culprits), so I'm going to rule one out at a time. Gluten is the first to go simply because I just stocked up on Greek yogurt (protein and calcium intake are important to maintain while on Prednisone).

This doesn't mean buying fancy gluten-free cupcakes and processed food right now. The point is to veer more toward whole food: brown rice, quinoa, and millet are all easy to make in advance and eat throughout the week. (Easy for me to say now, but in a few hours I'll be eyeing those Almond Joy Cookie Bars in the freezer and wondering if I could make a gluten-free version with oat flour instead of wheat flour!)

3. My running game was finally improving again last week. I was up to being comfortable with 3.5 miles of a run 9 minute/walk 1 minute pattern. Of course now the thought of running just makes me want to cough and wheeze. I was too sore from farm work last Tuesday and Wednesday and obviously haven't been breathing well enough to run since then. I'm going to continue to take time off until this weekend and re-evaluate. Typical of my over-compensation, I am signed up to run a 5.3 mile leg of the Brew to Brew run with co-workers on April 3. Yikes!

Photo from BrewtoBrew.com

4. Of course, just taking things away is never a healthy attitude, so I'm making it a focus to ADD more of the important things to my life:

-Getting involved in a new church that's actually conducive to new member involvement (any recommendations in the Kansas City area?)

-Counseling (embarrassing to admit, but long overdue with my history of depression and anxiety).

-The Word of God. No self-help book could ever replace His love story.

-Quality time with Ross. When BOTH of us pulled long days every day for the last week, things got grouchy fast. We are so fortunate to be able to have some leisure time in our lives and we would prefer to spend some of it together instead of alone in the apartment at different times on different days.

-Foods that please my body and not just my tastebuds- though I always aim to please both!

-Dry brushing. I mentioned it last time, and I've kept up with it sporadically, but it's strangely soothing. I can see how it centers autistic kids when they get anxious. Try it!


In the spirit of starting off on the right foot, I had some liquid sunshine with my breakfast to brighten up this dreary day. A carrot, beet, orange, and coconut smoothie.

*Disclaimer: I am a Registered Nurse, not a Registered Dietician. At work we deal with calorie and protein ratios in milk, not big-kid food. What works in my life and eating style may not work for you. But please, give me feedback on my recipes and feel free to share your own!

Liquid Sunshine serves 1 hungry girl
(you will need a food-processor or high-powered blender with these ingredients)

2-3 small steamed, peeled beets (I used pre-steamed organic beets from Hy-Vee-- don't confuse these with canned or pickled beets!)
1 orange
1 organic carrot, chopped into 1/2-inch chunks
1/2 cup coconut milk (using unsweetened SO Delicious has been cheaper than buying cans of coconut milk and it has a very mild, creamy taste that's not overwhelming)
1/4 cup unsweetened Greek yogurt (or just add another 1/4 cup of another liquid-- OJ, milk, coconut water, etc.)
3-4 ice cubes


Add ingredients to food processor or blender and blend until smooth. This may take several minutes depending on how powerful the motor is.

Pour into a tall glass and garnish with shredded coconut or chopped almonds if desired, and smile: Today will be beautiful!

(Please don't think me a hypocrite. I know that after getting on my soapbox about local food, I made a smoothie from non-local ingredients. While I'd love to get to the point where 90% of what we eat is grown within 50-100 miles, it's not practical right now mostly due to extremely limited pantry and freezer space and the fact that the local climate doesn't grow fresh fruits and vegetables year-round. Probably my biggest disappointment over not being an Urbavore intern is that I will miss out on the FREE education about preserving local food so it can sustain you even through the winter. These farmers don't just talk the talk!)

Drip, drip, drip

Look closely... can you see the water droplets falling from the roof?

Whenever the winter snow starts to melt, I think of Laura Ingalls Wilder in The Long Winter (nerd alert!) when she woke up one night so excited to hear ice melting and dripping off the eaves of their cabin. I know spring is a ways off, but today was sunny and the slush and ice are melting and for now, that is enough.

Hello again, sidewalks! Maybe I'll start to choose you over the treadmill one day soon.

Negative Thought of the Day (turned positive?)

So... the Assessment Center called and said they were already closing for the day due to snow, and would be closed tomorrow as well. So I need to reschedule my test. My first response? "Eff you, snow." (Except, not in PG language).

So I called the hospital and changed my schedule, hoping to force my way to work in the snow tomorrow and take the test Friday instead. Then I called the Assessment Center, and they can't schedule me for this Friday. But they can do Saturday, or else next Friday. Ummm no way in HECK am I waiting another week. I took Saturday morning. And then I e-mailed Brooke from BadSeed and I'm hoping to reschedule my Saturday interview and not be frowned upon. (Wait, what?! I'll explain that one later).

SO. Now I am taking my RNC test SATURDAY instead of tomorrow and I can prolong my terrible self-care and housekeeping habits for another two days. Oh boy. Earlier today, I had picked up sushi and a chick flick to occupy my evening, because studying into the night won't do me any good at this point. When they called and cancelled tomorrow's test, I ate my sushi out of protest. And bought several $1.27 songs on iTunes. Once the sushi digests, I'm going to go running and pound out my frustrations to the soundtrack of Glee and hope to God that cheers me up.

I wanted to come to my blog and rant and rave and ask what else life could possibly throw at me (which is always a dangerous question). It's been a long month. And I'm driving myself crazy and literally making myself sick with a cycle of optimism and pessimism about passing this stupid test.  But when I logged into blogger.com, I had a comment from my earlier post waiting for me:

Therese, I enjoy your blog and appreciate your dedication to your career. Having had both my children go to the NICU upon birth, I know how much your presence and reassurance means to scared parents and sick babies. Thanks for what you do. 

Cue extreme humility. Thank you, Mel, for reminding me why I'm doing this. Even if I somehow don't pass my test Saturday, the big picture is that I have learned A LOT while studying for this test. Some of the things I've learned are already affecting my patient care (and helping me impress/scare med students when I can answer a question that they can't). I needed a reminder.

And, if there's a positive side to prolonging my stress, it's that I can also prolong my studying. I was cramming in a few more subjects this morning with plans to go through my flashcards this afternoon/evening. Now I can take my time today going through the last few sections (dermatology, neurology, genitourinary) today and save the flashcards for a cozy chair at Starbucks on Friday.

For now, I'm going to go clean the kitchen. And go running. And, heck, I might as well watch that chick flick!

Snow Day

Just when I thought we were going to cruise through the rest of winter with 40 degrees and sunshine, a storm hit. Not a storm in the sense of a blizzard with angry whirling winds, but the quiet consistent snowfall that makes you want to get outside.

 The kind of snowfall that allows you to see each flake individually!

I may hate winter, but I love snow! If it's going to be cold and gray, at least give us a snowfall to make things prettier.

As of last night, it had been snowing for almost 24 hours straight. Yesterday morning, I had to get out and walk around in it, even if I didn't have anyone to play with.

That's right, I willingly went out in the cold. Snow is magical like that.
 

Winter is Here

We finally decorated for Christmas tonight! Pictures to come. The weather finally turned wintery this weekend-- not that I was upset about the mild winter we've had thus far. A balmy 58 degree day on Friday turned into a blustery, snowy, "feels like 0 degrees" by Saturday. We only got a few centimeters of snow, but it was enough to remind us that it's mid-December here in the Midwest!

Fortunately, today (Sunday) was the kind of gloriously brightly sunny day that comes after a snowfall that makes the sub-freezing temperatures seem less extreme.

Plus...

So true. Thank goodness for Christmas and sunshine!

'Tis The Season

I love Advent. It's a celebration of warmth and light in a season of cold and darkness.

This Sunday marked the first Sunday of Advent and the pastor at our new church gave a great sermon on Psalm 42. We always talk about Advent of a time of waiting, but it's more than that. It's hopeful waiting. It's longing. A longing for Jesus to come save us from ourselves. I can certainly identify with this feeling.

All too often, I fall into the "if only" pattern of thinking. Ross calls me out on it a lot:

If only the weather were better...
If only I could manager my time better...
If only I were in better shape...
If only we had more money...
If only you were done with grad school...

The pastor pointed out that the "if only" pattern is futile because it implies that we're placing our hope in something besides God. Will what I'm hoping for really satisfy me?

Catholic that I am, I love communion; thankfully our non-denominational Christian church has it weekly. It's a good reminder of the only true Hope in our lives. Only in Christ are we fully known, fully accepted, and fully forgiven. And thankfully, it's not the amount of faith we have, but the Object of our faith who saves us and helps us endure our brokenness. We just need to take the first step and recognize that our unnamed longings are actually longings for a peace only God can give.

Have you found yourself futilely placing hope in the wrong place this holiday season? C.S. Lewis said, "If I find in myself desires which nothing in this earth can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world." This Advent, I'm taking a good look at my priorities and taking the time to name my longings instead of wandering to the fridge when I feel restless.

Psalm 42
 ¹ As the deer pants for streams of water,
   so my soul pants for you, my God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
   When can I go and meet with God?
³ My tears have been my food
   day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
   “Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember
   as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
   under the protection of the Mighty One^[d]
with shouts of joy and praise
   among the festive throng.

 ⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God.

 ⁶ My soul is downcast within me;
   therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
   the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
⁷ Deep calls to deep
   in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
   have swept over me.

 ⁸ By day the LORD directs his love,
   at night his song is with me—
   a prayer to the God of my life.

 ⁹ I say to God my Rock,
   “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
   oppressed by the enemy?”
¹⁰ My bones suffer mortal agony
   as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
   “Where is your God?”

 ¹¹ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God.

One Week Later

Yes, I ran a half marathon a week ago today. Yes, I'm still stiff and sore. And yes, I've gotten two runs and a yoga class in this week. To some, that may not sound like a lot. Especially since my weekly mileage was a grand total of 4.1 miles. But to me, that's encouraging. With traveling, work, and a legit excuse not to run, I'm so glad I did anyway. It's perfectly acceptable to take a week off after an endurance event. I gave myself every permission to do just that. But I actually started to miss working out. It is my antidepressant, after all.

Before I sign up for my full marathon, I'm committed to getting into better running shape. I'm hoping to eliminate walking breaks, get better at stretching after every run, and doing a little bit of strength work every week. Thanks to all the pictures of me running last weekend, I've noticed that when I get tired, I have a pretty dramatic hip swing (hurting my IT band) and heel strike (cramping my hip flexors and hurting the hamstring tendons in the back of my knees). Stronger accessory muscles will improve my stride, my running efficiency, and eventually my speed!

From late March 2010 to September 26, 2010 I ran 200 miles. From September 26 to November 28, I ran 122 miles. Whew! That's quite an increase. I'm looking forward to working on running economy instead of increased mileage for a while.

Winter Wonderland Wednesday

 It's currently 39 degrees out and there's a possibility of snow tonight. Winter weather has officially come to Kansas City.

Instead of dreading winter, I thought I'd practice embracing it this year. Last year was the worst winter KC has had in a long time. Combine that with the fact that I started night shift when we moved (I never saw the light of day) and the fact that I had grown used to warmer north Texas winters, and it was rough to say the least.

So for this first post, let me just get this out of the way. Here's what I hate about winter:

-Scraping my car off in the pre-dawn cold (I think this will be my least favorite part of day shift).

-The fact that my drive to work is just long enough that my car really only gets warm when I'm pulling into the parking lot at the hospital.

-Darkness. I hate the late sunrise and early sunset.

-Bad driving conditions. I love the freedom of driving, but I hate slush and my little car does too.

-The fact that it lasts way too long. The first snow is exciting. The holidays are happy. But below-freezing temperatures in February and snow in March should not be allowed.

-Cold. It doesn't take much to make me so cold that my nail beds actually turn blue.

-Dry skin. Winter + copious amounts of hand sanitizer and hand washing at work = unhappy skin and nails.

-Wind (and wind chill). Running outdoors is going to be a challenge this winter, but I don't have a gym membership so maybe this'll toughen me up (ha)!

I worked hard to get off antidepressants this spring, and I really want to stay off of them this winter. Hopefully weekly posts about the things I love about winter will keep me positive!

What Running Means to Me

(Or, why I'm not running the Cowtown Marathon in February).

What running is:

1.) An antidepressant.

2.) An encouragement. This is not to say that I expect to feel wonderful before, during, and after every run, but the good runs should at least outweigh the bad.

3.) A stress-reliever.

4.) Motivation. At age 25, I'm still young enough to strive for improved times and distances. Running is an activity that drives me toward new personal bests. Training for a race can help me push myself and realize that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. Like I said, not every run is great, but every time I safely push myself through a bad run, I grow a little stronger mentally and physically.

5.) A reminder to exercise moderation in all things.

6.) A way for me to find a "new normal" that's more healthy and balanced than I have been in the past.

7.) Fun! A race, when you're adequately prepared, is a great celebration of training and hard work.

What running is not:

1.) Punishment. 

2.) A way to "make up" for eating too much the day before.

3.) An "excuse" to binge eat afterward.

4.) Another stressor.

5.) A way to measure myself against anyone else, for better or for worse.

For today's run, I had this quote in mind courtesy of Dale Carnegie: 

 

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. 
If you want to conquer fear, 
do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”

Last night, I had a really stressful dream in which I kept encountering hurdles that kept me from going on my 13 mile run today. But I did not sleep through my 7am alarm, I did not eat a 5 course breakfast, and there was no snow on the ground (thank goodness)! All of these things happened in my dream, but I woke up feeling okay and the weather was beautiful. I read that quote and realized I just needed to get out and do the darn thing, and I'd feel better about it.

13.1 miles later. (The layers are for my ice bath, not my run in the 60 degree sun!)

That ended up only being part way true. This was a long long run, mentally and physically. I don't doubt that I can finish the Gobbler Grind half marathon in 13 days, but I do have doubts that it's going to be an awesome celebration of my training like my 10k was in September. 

I've really only had 4 "long" runs (over 5 miles) since the 10k: an 8-miler, a 10-miler, a 12-miler, and today's 13.1 miles. I would say that's irresponsible of me, but for the most part my lack of long runs is not due to me just being lazy. Depending on the week, I've been out-of-town, almost-injured, moving, and dealing with asthma. 

I don't mean to list these as excuses, and I really don't see them as such. Since my goal in becoming a runner is to create a healthy, life-long habit, I have to accept that I'm not always going to run exactly what's on my training plan. In fact, given the circumstances, I'm pretty proud of myself! I have increased my weekly mileage slowly and steadily. I know I'm not over-training. Yet I don't sleep well at night, I don't recover quickly, and I feel like I'm getting slower. I don't know if it's the weather, the new apartment, or what, but my asthma has been getting worse again and it's time to pay a visit to the doctor and figure out what's going on.

I really didn't mean for this to be another self-indulgent post. I guess typing this out helps me organize my thoughts, though. Today's run was only 1 mile longer than last week's long run, but it took me 20 more minutes to finish! That's actually not bad considering I had to resort to a run 5 minutes/walk 5 minutes the last 5 miles because I couldn't catch my breath.

I still plan on running 26 miles to celebrate my 26th birthday! The race will probably just be closer to home and closer to my actual birthday. I need a few good months of healthy running before launching into a marathon training plan.


Something for me to think about: There once was a man who cried because he had no shoes, until he met a man who had no feet. 

Autocognition, Subliminal Messages, and Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.

 

I've been thinking a lot lately... about how I think. I haven't posted in a few days because my mom taught me, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Obviously, I don't follow this rule most of the time. But I posted a quote the other day that said, "Change it or let it go. Complaining is a waste of energy" and I'm really trying to listen. I cannot control other people. I cannot control the weather or time's inevitable march into a colder, darker month. I cannot control the nonsensical layout of our new apartment's kitchen. Do I really need to whine about it and put another negative thought out there in the world?

There is some merit to "getting things off your shoulders," but where's the line between commiserating and straight out making other people miserable with my incessant whining? On the other hand, simply trying to, not complain out loud isn't doing me much good either. After all, who wants to be the silent person sulking in the corner? They may not be moaning and groaning, but you can tell they're not happy. (Why am I saying "they"? This has been me more often than not. I apologize to those of you who have witnessed this.) 

I think something more fundamental has to change. Once I've dug myself deep into the trenches of negative thinking, it's too late. Even if I hold it all in and remain silent, it's going to seep out around the edges. An individual's thought process is a messy place, but there are some messages that play over and over again, once we start to pay attention to them.

My thought reel looks something like this: "I'm so tired, I don't get enough sleep, I hate work, I need to take better care of myself, I think about myself too much, I love working out and eating right, I am too hard on my body, I don't push myself enough, I eat way too much, I don't fuel properly for longer runs, it takes me forever to recover from a hard workout, I'm not meant to be fast, I get bored too easily, I quit too easily, I'm too hard on myself..."

Just typing those out allows me to see the extremes I can sometimes think in. From the vocabulary (never, forever, way, too, don't, hate) to the actual messages I'm sending myself, (yes/no, do/don't, will/won't) I'm setting myself up for failure.

I even label myself. Depending who I'm with, I see myself as the messy one, the flaky one, the dumb one, the whiny one, the fake one, the self-absorbed one. Very few times in my life have I felt like the smart one, the pretty one, the gentle one, the genuine one. And usually when I do feel like that, it's a reflection of who I'm with more than anything. I want that to change. 

I want to be the kind of person you interact with and it improves your day. You know those people. The people who leave you feeling better about yourself than you did before they came by. These people are not self-serving and don't draw attention to themselves, but there's a magnetic pull toward them. People want to be around them. (Now as I type this, I'm wondering if the fact that I want to be this type of person precludes me from actually becoming this selfless person?)

My dad used to tell me that enough people in the world would say bad things about me that I shouldn't waste time saying bad things about myself. Then he'd stand up and try to make me say, "I'm smart, I'm good-looking, and gosh darn it, people like me!" I'd giggle and blow him off as my corny dad, but it turns out he's right.

I'm not saying mind over matter works all of the time. And I'm not claiming to actually have control over anything in my life. I'm simply going to try to think less negatively more positively from one minute to the next.  What are your thoughts? Any help would help! How do you balance humility vs. self-depreciation?

 

"If you keep on saying things are going to be bad, you have a good chance of becoming a prophet." -Isaac Bashevis Singer, Yiddish-American writer (1904-1991)

Your Life is Now

**Please excuse what I'm sure will be an excessively verbose post written in a haze of 

post-run euphoria. Read at your own risk.**

I really needed today's run! I felt a little guilty leaving the last bit of heavy furniture moving to Ross and my cousins to go run for 2 hours, but I really wanted to run, felt good enough to run, had perfect running weather, and needed to catch up on my training plan.

I only ran 12 miles total last week and ran that same amount all at once today. However, I am realistic enough to suspect that last week's unplanned "taper" certainly attributed to my mental and physical ability to run today. (And 5 days of Prednisone to calm my asthma back down certainly didn't hurt).

My legs were not extremely fond of me when I woke up this morning, thanks to all the stairs we did while moving yesterday, but I took it as a good sign that I was still chomping at the bit to run. Actually wanting to run has been a struggle for me lately.

I decided to run from the apartment to the Plaza. I knew the route and wouldn't have to second-guess trails ending, unknown elevation, etc. There were definitely rolling hills (my Garmin says about 1200 feet of total elevation change each way) and traffic, but I got out early enough to beat most of the traffic, at least.

The first 1.5 miles flew by (I don't know if I've ever said that in my life) and it felt so good to run without wheezing! I was just focused on getting to 4 miles (to take my Cliff Shot) and not thinking beyond that, lest I get overwhelmed. I had a great playlist of songs from high school, which helped a lot. I walked 1 minute for every 5 minutes of running, per usual, although it seems like every other 'walk' break actually involved me standing still and stretching my legs out.

I took that first Shot and was loving the sunshine and beautiful weather by mile 4. My hands were numb from cold, but that was my only complaint. I made it to the Plaza and did get a little overwhelmed when I turned around, realizing that was the farthest away I could possibly be and if I had to quit or walk, it'd be a LONG morning from there. Miles 6-8 were kind of rough, especially because traffic was getting worse and I was on a stretch with no shoulder or sidewalk (really, Kansas City? Be more pedestrian friendly.) I kept changing my stride to keep my legs warm and chugging along.

I took my second Shot right after mile 8 and definitely needed it. My legs were getting tired. I also wanted some more water then, too, but had to ration. (I was carrying a water bottle as I ran. I'm so glad I had it and it's an easy bottle to carry, but now my arms are sore. Lame!)

Shortly after that, I was cruising into familiar territory again and I knew I had a nice neighborhood and a downhill to end with. But first I had to climb back up into the neighborhood. Mile 11 was definitely the hardest. My legs were getting really stiff and heavy, and oddly getting cold which didn't help the stiffness. I got a pain behind my right knee and started to get worried.

Thankfully, John Mellencamp's "Your Life is Now" came on and energized me.

...This is your time, to do what you will do

Your life is now

Your life is now

Your life is now

In this undiscovered moment

Lift your head up above the crowd

We could shake this world

If you would only show us how

Your life is now...

I have been getting overwhelmed thinking about marathon mileage and training, and doubting weather I want to do it anymore. But this song reminded me, "if not now, when?!" It's something I've wanted to do for so long, and I'm slowly starting to think I CAN actually do it. (At least, a half seems totally attainable. Even doable in 2 hours and 30 minutes which is my goal!)

That song was just what I needed to dig deep, speed up a little, and finish strong! I'm so thankful that my breathing was pretty comfortable during today's run. That allowed me to just focus on my form and avoid further injury. I know I'm cutting it close with a busy week of work coming up and a few more long runs before I taper my half marathon, which is in *GULP* twenty-one days! I'm hoping today's run was a good step in the right direction!

Just What I Needed

After all that talk yesterday, I fell asleep on the couch instead of going out for a run beneath the brilliant blue fall sky. But I was so tired mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Today I told myself that I'd go out for a few miles, focus on my posture, and run how I felt. Apparently I felt like my tail was on fire. I ran the second mile in 9 minutes and 22 seconds! The song that made the difference between mile 1 and mile 2? Beautiful by Christina Aguilera (don't judge!)

Yesterday I really needed a nap. Today I really needed a run. Sometimes I talk about running toward something or away from something. Today I was definitely running away from something. I was running away from the guilt of not running the miles I should have this week. Guilt from not volunteering to work overtime when the NICU admitted triplets and two other babies last night (will our census ever normalize?!). Guilt from not being the perfect housewife and keeping our apartment clean all the time.

A good run usually involves good music, good thinking time, or all the stars aligning to obtain that elusive runner's high. Today's run involved good music and led to good internal dialogue:

You have no self control. You ate too much cookie dough yesterday and too much pumpkin bar batter today.

You are beautiful.

You're eating like you've been running all week, but you haven't earned it.

You are beautiful.

You are so unproductive on your days off.

You are beautiful.

You are such a hypochondriac when you get any little ache or pain.

You are beautiful.

I am not sure where I first heard this, but when you're talking badly to yourself, you're supposed to imagine saying that same thing to a child. Would you say it to your 5 year old self? No? Then why on earth are you saying it to your 25 year old self? 

I really regret getting so down on myself in high school and college. I was doing the best I could at the time and beating myself up all the time didn't help matters. Likewise, I know that in 5 years I'll look back and be so sad at the way I talk to myself some days. I love how the Desiderata puts it: Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

My name is Therese. I love to bake and lick the bowl afterward. I like to run slow and pretend I'm fast. I like to write things out to clarify them, even if no one else reads it. I like to lay in bed reading Harry Potter while my awesome husbands makes pancakes. I like to take care of the tiniest human beings, even though the "work" part of my job overwhelms me sometimes. I am beautiful.

A New Month

Hey look... I'm famous! Well, I guess that's a stretch since I'm hardly the only one they interviewed. But still. It's a fun way to celebrate my blog's one-year anniversary.

Besides being the first day of a new month, today is also World Vegetarian Day! I can see Ross cringing and rolling his eyes already. October is actually Vegetarian Awareness Month. I'm not vegetarian and, despite Ross' greatest fears, I never will be. I love pepperoni too much. However, I probably go about 3-4 days a week without eating meat just because cooking raw meat grosses me out. I do love a good veggie burger, but I don't necessarily think it's better for you than a grass-finished beef burger. I guess I'm more "pro-plant" than "anti-meat."

*

That being said, during October I'm going to try eating vegetarian 6 days a week, just for kicks. I'm not trying to lose weight (after all, cookies and brownies are vegetarian) although I am curious to see if my running really does improve like some people claim it can. I'm not trying to transition to being a life-long vegetarian, not even secretly. Who wants to join me in pretending for a month, though?!

Just Say No

This entire thought process occurred yesterday (Sunday) afternoon at work:

After I got back from lunch, the charge nurse asked if I wanted to work extra today (Monday). I had already signed up for overtime Wednesday, but they had several babies who needed one-on-one nurses Monday, so they were more desperate for help than usual.  I said, "Sure, take me off of Wednesday and I'll work Monday instead."

Then I remembered I had to have my Bone Marrow Donor labwork done this morning, so I said, "Actually, I can help out, but I can't come in until 11." Which was fine. Then I started to get anxious thinking about it. That meant putting myself at 3 in a row, which always stresses me out now that I'm on day shift. Granted, I'm doing three in a row by working Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, but I was mentally prepared for that. I started wondering, what will I pack for lunch? Will I have time to run errands, workout, and get blood drawn before going in at 11? So I erased my name and put myself back on Wednesday.

Then I felt guilty. But I reminded myself that the entire NICU does not (by any stretch of my imagination) depend on me and me alone. Yes, I work overtime almost every week because we are consistently short every shift thanks to a summer baby boom. Yes, it frustrates me that other people complain about staffing, yet refuse to work overtime. Yes, I like to help when I can. But it's my life, too!  And I'm SO glad I decided not to work today.

On the way to the lab

I got my blood drawn without incident. It's always good when the lab tech tells you that you have good veins before she even applies the tourniquet to your arm. (As an aside, every time I get blood drawn, I feel a little more guilty for sticking our babies when they don't know what's coming. And in general, they do NOT have good veins, so it's never a simple stick.)

Success

I went to Coffee Girls in Brookside and got a fresh squeezed juice as my reward. I'm hoping the extra dose of vitamins and minerals will help my now-slightly-diminished blood supply. After all, I have a 10k to run in two weeks!

Liquid Sunshine

I ate a big lunch at home and then I sat by the pool for 3 hours, soaked up the sun, and read a book nearly cover to cover. As much as I complained about the heat this summer, I'm shockingly upset that summer is fading and I needed one last fling with it.

I love summer!

Dear sunshine, please don't leave me.

 Now I'm anxious about work again, but it's nice to know that I got at least 3 hours of relaxation and sunshine in.  Changing seasons always leave me nostalgic. When I was walking back from the pool, I thought of one of my favorite quotes from Elizabeth Gilbert:

"Of course, we all inevitably work too hard, then we get burned out and have to spend the whole weekend in our pajamas, eating cereal straight out of the box and staring tat the TV in a mild coma (Which is the opposite of working, yes, but not exactly the same thing as pleasure)."

Substitute computer for TV and that's usually my day off in a nutshell-- the opposite of work, yes, but not exactly relaxation. The moral of my story is, just say no. Sometimes "me" time is more important than overtime!

Inspiration Board

Growing up, August always meant back-to-school shopping and browsing through catalogs at all the knit sweaters, plaid skirts, and warm tights. Every school year was a clean slate. Well, we're already into September (how did that happen?!) but I still think fall is a chance to start fresh.

Even though I'm no longer in school, I really needed to do something about my mindset. You see, I love fall. But fall means winter is coming. I do love parts of winter: the silence of the first snow, cozy sweaters, lots of hot chocolate and hot tea, sitting in front of the fireplace at my parent's house... but it all gets old after a month or so. I'm dreading going out to my car in the sub-freezing temperatures to go to work. I'm dreading hiking to my car in the dark after a long day and having to scrape the windshields. My little car doesn't handle icy roads well, and neither do I. Come January, I'm ready for SUNSHINE and WARMTH.

Inspired by another blogger, I decided to make an inspiration board of things to work towards in the next 6 months. You see, it's only September. I'm getting too far ahead of myself. And I have a lot to look forward to this winter. Like Gina said, "Fall is the perfect time of year to re-evaluate your goals and see where your priorities lie before the year ends."



Here's a look back at my 2010 Resolutions:

1) Pray daily with Ross again 
FAIL. But there's no time like the present to renew a resolution.

2) Find a church 
I think we've decided on Redeemer Fellowship. Now we just need to become regular attendees. It's taken me a long time to realize we will not find a carbon copy of our Ft. Worth church in the middle of Kansas, as ideal as that would have been.

3) Stick to a budget and use cash for most day-to-day purchases 
Most months, this is a success. Traveling a lot (and using 2 days of PTO) messed this up a bit in July and August, but for the most part we're doing well and even putting money into savings every month.

4) Make friends in my new city
This is taking so much longer than I'd hoped, but I'm finally starting to get out more.

5) Do yoga once (or more) a week while training for the Cowtown Marathon in February 2011
Yoga is not financially viable year-round right now, but I have been consistently training for a 10k this month, a 1/2 marathon in November, and the marathon in February. Come November, I'm excited to work Bikram Yoga into my training schedule again.

6) Eat at least one serving of fruits or vegetables at every meal
This has definitely improved in the past year, thanks in part to healthy living blogs I've started reading. It's good to see other active young women with a balanced mindset toward food. Also, the CSA has been a great source of local vegetables and new flavors. This summer I started to aim for 5+ servings of produce a day, but even on my lazy/low-grocery days, 3 servings is pretty standard.

7) Laugh more
I'm starting to smile more (some days it's fake it 'til you make it) and I'd like to think I'm more pleasant on a day-to-day basis, although I've noticed that my mood can be directly related to how tired I am.

8) Read more
I'm ashamed to admit that I read the Twilight series in 5 days this spring and I read all 16 books of the Stephanie Plum Series this summer. It takes me no time flat to read guilty-pleasure books. Now I've moved on to The Autobiography of Saint Therese of Lisieux: The Story of a Soul (the saint I was named after) and The Happiness Project (which was actually written by a Kansas City native).

9) Cook more
Given the fact that I've posted enough recipes here to justify a recipe page, I think it's safe to say I'm cooking more! 

10) Play more
Still a work in progress. I need to spend less time on the computer and more time enjoying the sunshine while it's still here.

Here's what I want to/plan to do in the next six months (that's from the beginning of September through the end of February):

1) Run a 10k, half marathon, and marathon (in case I haven't said that enough)!

2) Buy a 3 month Bikram pass this November and go at least once a week.

3) Cross-train/lift weights twice a week.

4) Continue to eat as locally as I can, even as the CSA dwindles and I rely more on frozen organic veggies and less on fresh produce. (This includes the more specific goal of taking Ross to Nebraska City this fall to pick apples, stock up on apple butter and homemade jam, and enjoying the local, seasonal bounty and the essence of being outdoors in the fall.)

5) Spend more time thanking God for the life he has given me, and loving God as much as my little heart is capable of.

6) Spend less time on the computer, get outside more, and sleep better.

7) Start saving more money for a new car (hopefully it lasts more than 6 more months, but it's time to start saving more in anticipation).

8) Attain my RNC certification. I'm taking a 3-day study course in October and plan to take the computerized test before December 15 (the day I graduated from nursing school in 2007).

I have a few other exciting goals for the next 2 years, but those are for another inspiration board another day!

If you read this far, thank you. I'd love to hear YOUR goals for the next 6 months as well! To quote Gina again, "Things don’t happen by accident- they’re always the result of hard work and the most meaningful goals are the ones that are not-so-easy to attain."

Today Was a Good Day

Just waking up in the mornin' gotta thank God
I don't know but today seems kinda odd
No chirpin' from the locusts, no pain
Sunny ev'n though tomorrow calls for rain
I got my grub on, but didn't pig out
Got a call from Johanna wants to hang out 

Lookin' forward to lunch as I hit the do'
Happy to be off work another twenty-fo'

Had to stop at a red light
Lookin in my mirror and not a cop in sight
And everything is alright
I got a text from Merrell, 'bout a wedding in November 

When I last saw her I can't remember.
Went to the dog park with Jo, Tag, and Toby

Had a Sheridan's sundae for dinner
Got my books in the mail, feel like a winner

 
I got to sleep in and I ran a 5k
I can't believe, today was a good day

(For best results, rap to the tune of Ice Cube's "Today Was a Good Day." But don't look up the real lyrics. Please. It's a terrible song and I'm ashamed I even know parts of it.)

Attitude Adjustment

I have an old co-worker who said commented on facebook about how she hates working all weekend and one of her friends responded, "poor you. You work 3 days a week." I had to exit out of facebook before responding to this perfect stranger with some snooty comment. 

Most nurses I know work at least 40 hours a week, often more. We work nights, weekends, and holidays. Even if we are working "just" 3 days a week, we're on our feet for a lot of it, dealing with difficult people, crying babies, snapping co-workers, and the like. I leave the house before 6:30am and don't get home until 8:00 or 8:30pm most days. And unless you're travel nurse or working overtime, you don't always feel that you're monetarily compensated for this work. I have plenty of friends who make more money than me at their office jobs.

I know, I know, stop whining. I have to tell myself that a lot. I also have plenty of friends with a college education who can't find a job. I should be thankful mine is relatively secure. But I'm in a funk at work now that my primary has gone home. I don't even have a short snuggle with her to look forward to on the days that my alarm goes off at 5:30am! The good thing about a primary patient going home is that you can go back to more critical babies and do a few admissions to brush up on your skills. However, we have SO. MANY. orientees right now, that hasn't been happening for me either. And when I'm only taking care of level 2 babies, it's hard to motivate myself to study for the RNC exam. Eek!

I need an attitude adjustment. It's going to be a miserable fall if I continue to dread going to work like I do right now.

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than educatoin, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company, a church, a home...

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it."

-Chuck Swindoll

Change the way you see, not the way you look

If you watch Oprah or Good Morning America, you may have already heard about Operation Beautiful this summer. I heard about it because the author, Caitlin Boyle, also writes one of my favorite blogs: Healthy Tipping Point. In honor of her book being published, she dedicated a week of blogging to discussing how women need to change the way they see themselves, instead of focusing so much on hating the way they look.

Spring Break 2006

It's almost embarrassing to talk about this, because I'm 25 and married. I have a good job and a good life. Yet put me in front of the mirror for too long and I'll go crazy. Most days, I don't wear makeup. Some people would mistakenly think I make that choice because I'm so comfortable in my own skin. In fact, it's because when I really try to do my makeup and hair for a special occasion, it never turns out the way I had hoped. I get discouraged and end up feeling less attractive than I did before putting effort into my appearance.

I am slowly learning to see the merit in dressing up and feeling better about myself (a 'fake it 'til you make it' approach). But most days you'll either find me in my scrubs, workout clothes, or sweats with no makeup, and my hair in a ponytail.

Amarillo 2007

I'm big on negative self-talk. It's a habit I've been trying to break ever since I started reading positive blogs like Caitlin's, but it's a long process. It doesn't help when I work with all women. As a group, we are catty. We gossip. Not only are we not supportive of each other as often as we should be, but we're often not supportive of ourselves.  It breaks my heart when I see a friend struggling, yet I think nothing of beating myself up for my supposed flaws. I'm an intelligent woman. I know this doesn't make sense. But how can it stop?

Part of my answer is seeing that other women have moved beyond it. Many of the blogs I list as my favorites are more than just food blogs. These are women my age writing about being healthy in the real world-- physically and MENTALLY. They are not diet blogs. These bloggers bake amazing cookies with real butter. They train for and run ultra-marathons in addition to working full-time jobs. They publish books at the age of 26. It's amazing what you can accomplish when your mind and body work together instead of against each other.

Colorado 2009

I took a picture of my own Operation Beautiful note this morning and actually thought, "maybe I should put makeup on to cover this huge pimple on my forehead and the circles under my eyes. I look gross." But then I caught myself in the middle of negative self-talk! Ashamed, I took the picture and walked away.

Ross didn't know this was my handwriting. Boys.

Afterward, I went to my friend Tiffany's apartment to do a ballet DVD. She's the one who got me into ballet back in 3rd grade! We talked and worked out for 30 minutes. Good for the body and the heart.

Early in the afternoon, I took cupcakes to work to say goodbye to my primary and my associate patient. (They both went home on the same day. Work will be sad for a little while.)  I bought a treat for myself, too, and enjoyed it with relish!

Chocolate! Picture courtesy of Dolce Baking Company's website.

Then I went to Lawrence with Ross and hung out at a coffee shop while he went to his first grad school class of the semester. We went to dinner at The Local Burger and grocery shopping at The Merc. It was the most time we'd spent together in a long time, between me traveling and our opposite work schedules. We had fun talking about nothing and everything.

This evening, I was running on the treadmill and it faces a mirror. I could have been thinking, "eww that jiggles" or, "maybe I shouldn't wear spandex this tight." Instead, I only 'allowed' myself to think positive things like, "it's awesome that you actually went running after putting it off all day!" And "look how strong your legs have gotten." Corny as that is, it actually did cheer me up!

There are a few posts from "Change the Way You See, Not the Way You Look" week that really resonated with me.  One was by a mom named Sarah who is raising two little girls. She says she actually wanted to have girls in hopes of raising "confident, strong, and secure girls since I never was myself." She has a few ideas about how to do this, and I recognize these as things my own mom did as well: Value girls for who they are instead of what the look like. Don't talk about other people's bodies. Lead by example. Sarah says,

Somewhere along the way in my first few years of parenting girls, my own confidence grew and my acting became believing.  I thought about how I would feel if my girls scrutinized themselves they way I had.  I looked at their rounded bellies, their full cheeks and chins and their dimply thighs and imagined what I would tell them if they agonized over these “flaws.”  Most of all though, I worried about how I could teach them about valuing themselves and valuing others beyond what they saw in the mirror, if I wasn’t willing to give that gift to myself.

She ends her amazing post by asking, if you could write an Operation Beautiful note to your teenage self, what would you say?  I thought about it, and there are thousands of things I'd like to warn myself about. But considering that most of high school I was very preoccupied with my body, I think the message that would stick the most is, "being skinny won't make you happy. But being happy will make you feel beautiful!"

High school friends the summer we graduated

Looking back, the pictures I love most are those in which I'm happy, regardless of where I was in my body struggles at the time.  I've been relatively the same size for about 7 years now, but that can look very different (to me at least) from one picture to the next. The genuine smiles and glowing cheeks are what make the pictures look good or bad.  With this in mind, I actually like the pictures of me from my recent trip to Texas. I was having fun and I was in a comfortable environment. BLISS. (I'm convinced this is why kids can't take bad pictures. They're always so happy!)

Avery and me at Central Market

On the other hand, it's really hard to like what you see in the mirror when you know you haven't been nice to your body. Most recently, I hated how I looked on night shift. I was always puffy and tired. I ate anything and everything at work just to stay awake. Junk food at 3am makes you feel better briefly, but it makes you feel so much worse in the long run. Especially when it becomes a regular occurrence. Yes, I was working out during this time, but I was unhappy, unhealthy overall, and overtired.

A blogger named Emilie also recognizes this connection.  In her post, she says,

It's wonderful to be positive and to tell women:  "You are beautiful just they way you are."  And I love the sentiment behind Operation Beautiful, but Caitlin's mission, I think, is even more rich than that.  Some women look at themselves in the mirror and don't like what they see no matter what they see, and Caitlin is striving to teach women not to be so hard on themselves.  But for a lot of women, and this was true for me, the negative self image is connected to the knowledge that there needed to be some lifestyle changes.  I didn't like how I looked at all a few years ago, when I also knew that I needed to get myself in shape and start making healthier choices.  Now I'm pretty satisfied because what I see in the mirror, while by no means perfect, is coupled with my knowledge that I'm eating healthy and exercising regularly. 

This definitely clicked with me. I feel better about myself now that I'm running than I did 8 months ago, even though I haven't really lost weight. There have been several points in my life when my negative self image is connected to the knowledge that I need to make some lifestyle changes. It was impossible (and it almost felt hypocritical) for me to look in the mirror this last winter and think, you're perfect the way you are. I knew things needed to change. In junior high, my mom gave me a Christian book about inner beauty and one of the things that has stuck with me is that God can say, I love you just the way you are, and I love you too much to let you stay the way you are. We need to learn to tell ourselves the same thing sometimes.

Florida Keys 2009

The third post that really stood out to me was by an awesome girl named Angela. Her blog is positive, uplifting, and real. She's so good at putting things into words. I read her writing and think it's like she read my mind! She's a few steps ahead of me on the self-acceptance thing, though. Her post was on the idea of a 'happy weight.'  She says,

I always told myself in 10 pounds, I would finally be happy. All I had to do was lose 10 pounds and achieve ‘x’ weight and my life would fall into place. In 10 pounds, I could eat normally, binges would stop, and I could stop hating myself. All I had to do was lose 10 pounds and my problems would be solved. I would love myself in 10 pounds….but not yet.

Sound familiar? I recognize a lot of myself in this attitude, and I'm slowly coming to terms with it. When you think about it, isn't it obvious that when you allow an extrinsic factor to determine your happiness, you will never be happy?! In the end, Angela knows she's at her 'happy weight' now, but she doesn't know what that actual number is. And that's okay.

Here's her Operation Beautiful note:

There's a quote from the book Eat, Pray, Love that I highlighted a while ago (I'd also like to say I fell in love with the book when the movie was just a twinkle in Elizabeth Gilbert's eye). Gilbert is journaling as her life falls apart around her and says,

This is what I find myself writing to myself on the page: I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long. I will stay with you…There is nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.

Tonight, this strange interior gesture of friendship- the lending of a hand from me to myself- reminds me of something that happened to me in New York City. I walked into an office building and dashed into the elevator. As I rushed in, I caught an unexpected glimpse of myself in the mirror. In that moment my brain did an odd thing- it fired off this split-second message: ‘Hey! You know her! That’s a friend of yours!' And I actually ran forward toward my own reflection with a smile, ready to welcome that girl whose name I had lost but whose face was so familiar. In a flash instant, of course, I realized my mistake and laughed in embarrassment at my almost doglike confusion over how a mirror works. But for some reason that incident comes to mind again tonight during my sadness in Rome and I find myself writing this comforting reminder at the bottom of the page: Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.”

Amarillo 2007

Some of the things I say to myself, I would never dream of saying out loud to a friend I loved. It would hurt their feelings and damage our friendship. (More to the point, I have never even thought these things about my friends because physical appearance is not what makes me love them.) So why on earth do I continue to say these things to myself? When it comes to broken hearts, I have no one to blame but myself. Treating myself with kindness should be the rule, not the exception.

Canada 2008

Finally, about my own Operation Beautiful note. The Serenity Prayer is wonderful because it's so applicable to so many situations:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

Friends at my bachelorette party in 2008

I CAN do my part to reach out and make friends. I can train for a marathon and fuel my body with real food. I cannot change my weak chin or crooked nose. But with time and practice (and certainly a generous amount of gentle forgiveness) I can learn to accept those things the way they are. I can't change the way I look, but I can change the way I see.

Wedding day 2008