I joined MOPS* back in August and I was kind of stressed about the first meeting. It meant Noah was going to miss a nap. Let's just say that in general, I don't handle change well, and in the throes of postpartum anxiety and new motherhood, I REALLY didn't handle change well. But I went. And I haven't looked back once.
The MOPS theme this year was A Fierce Flourishing, and oh, how I needed to hear that was possible. Even though I'd had my child 15 months prior, I was really only just realizing the depths of my postpartum pain and anxiety. I've spent a lot of time and money since then, trying to make progress in both, and I've seen plenty of ups and downs there. But you know what gave me the most freedom this past year? The most relief? Being in a room full of other moms. Seeing that no two are alike but all of us love our children fiercely. All of us are horribly afraid of 'failing' as a mom, whatever that looks like. All of us have struggles. And never once did I feel judged when I shared heavy thoughts, or cried, or vented about having a strong-willed child.
When the leaders introduced the theme at the first meeting, they read this year's verse to us: "For you shall go out with joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands." Isaiah 55:12
It took all my willpower not to start crying then and there. The relief was palpable. Like a weight had been lifted. These words were like a balm to my heart. When I heard this, I'd been waking up each morning with a feeling of dread. With a heavy heart and the assurance that I couldn't possibly do this day all over again. The racing thoughts, the heart palpitations, the frequent night wake-ups with insomnia in between, the baby nap strikes, and always, always, the pain.
To be reminded that God calls us to JOY, and that he promises PEACE was exactly what I needed to hear. It got me to come home and open up my Bible and look to all the places where God reassures us that his promises are TRUE**. That this word does not go out and come back empty. In fact, that same chapter in Isaiah says that!
"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord.
'As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord's renown,
for an everlasting sign,
that will endure forever.'"
Isaiah 55:8-13 (emphasis mine)
I
notice the twin threads of peace and joy everywhere now. The words
stand out on any page. It's been funny to see how they've played out in
the last 9 months. I got pregnant shortly after that first meeting, and
when the panic overwhelmed me, I cried out, "how is this joy?!" I had
just emerged from the newborn haze with Noah, I had a plan that felt manageable,
and I was seemingly on the road to physical and emotional recovery. I was deeply fearful of how
a pregnancy would impact that. But several friends were able to
whisper, "there is joy here." And when I let go of my fear and my plans
(again) and started to get excited about another baby, literally a
bundle of joy from a good, good Father, we lost it. Again I cried, "how
is this joy?!" And God rushed in with peace beyond understanding.
And
now, as MOPS wraps up for the year, that's where I sit. Alternating
between peace beyond understanding, and fear that I will do something to
somehow ruin this peace.
So yeah, I still have a ways to go.
This year, we focused on embracing rest, noticing goodness, and
celebrating lavishly. Our
devotional for the year notes that, "we become more ourselves when we
celebrate, rest, and notice... and that looks a lot like flourishing." I LOVE that I can claim it fiercely. That I can take all my pent up
anxiety and direct that energy into flourishing instead of floudering.
Into activities that refresh me instead of drain me. And MOPS has absolutely been an activity that refreshed me from the inside out.
I'm so grateful to the MOPS ministry for reminding me of God's
sovereign rule even as I adjust to this new role of motherhood. I looked
forward to every single meeting, when I knew I would be able to rest in the presence of other adults
and feel cared for. It has meant the world to me, and I'm so excited
for next year!
------------
*MOPS
stands for Mothers of Preschoolers, but is actually available to anyone
with children under the age of 5. I wish I'd joined when Noah was a
baby!
**See Hebrews 10, 1 Thessalonians 5, Deuteronomy 7, 1 Corinthians 1
Showing posts with label God's will. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God's will. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Do You Remember?
Do you remember the last time you rode a roller coaster? Mine must've been junior or senior year of college when I was at Six Flags with some friends. We'd been several times over the years, but for some reason that last visit just wasn't as fun. I remember thinking the roller coasters were unpleasant instead of adventurous. Kind of bone-jarring and nauseating. I thought to myself, huh, I must be growing up. That's not to say I wouldn't hop on one again just to make sure, but I'm not really chomping at the bit to do so, either.
Our friend Andrew posted a Bill Watterson quote on Facebook tonight that seemed to perfectly summarize my thoughts as I slipped into the contemplative reverie many of us find ourselves in this time of year: "The truth is, most of us discover where we are headed when we arrive. At that time, we turn around and say, yes, this is obviously where I was going all along."
Of course, I won't pretend to sit here on New Year's Eve thinking that I've actually arrived. Do we ever arrive? My limited experience with adulthood says no. But for the first time in a long time, my thoughts have slowed down enough for me to look back and see that so far, it all needed to happen like this. I don't mean to be morbidly vague, but coming to the end of yourself is quite possibly the best thing you can ever hope for. Only then can you glimpse how big God is.
Last year I was all, good riddance 2012. This year, I would like to think that I'm wholeheartedly grateful for 2013. The dark, dark spring allowed the sun to shine so much brighter in the summer when I was ready to let it in.
I feel like the last3 years no, four years, or five? okay maybe the last six years have been one massive roller coaster. I graduated from college in 2007 with bright eyes and high hopes, as one should! I saw all the freedoms of adulthood laid out before me and had no grasp of the responsibility it takes to build an intentional life. I mean, I knew how to manage my money and balance my checkbook (thanks Dad!). But there was no deeper concept that maybe adulthood is harder than it looks when you're a kid. I feel like this is fairly common. Quarter-life crises abound when reality starts to hit, right?
Anyway, I stepped off that stage, diploma in hand, and unwittingly stepped onto the crazy roller coaster of young adulthood.
I don't mean to stretch an analogy too far, but if you've been on this roller coaster surely you can empathize. At first, it's exciting! After all, the unknown stretching out before you is full of possibilities. There's a bit of an uphill climb, but that's to be expected as you start your career! Then at some point, your feet fall out from under you. Maybe it scares you, maybe it thrills you, maybe you're too busy worrying about how you look to notice how fast and far you fell. The roller coaster picks up speed, but that's life! You're busy. You're living life to the fullest or something like that.
As the roller coaster continues to accelerate rapidly, maybe you start to loose your breath. The turns are steeper and the climbs and subsequent drops become more and more frequent. Your stomach is constantly in your throat. Your teeth are rattling. Maybe you're still riding high on adrenaline, or maybe you start to get scared. You can't see where you're going anymore. You're terrified of what loops and twists and turns lay ahead. You realize you can't do anything to make this roller coaster stop. You think you'd rather be anywhere but here. You knuckles are white. Maybe you're screaming, maybe you're mute.
Suddenly, before you have time to think about what's happening, you grind to a halt. The machine throws your safety harness off and you're expected to test your sea legs on the hollow wooden platform. Is the platform shaking, or are you? Once you catch your breath, you step back and look at the behemoth before you with respect and a whole new appreciation for what just happened. Also maybe with gratitude because it's a little bit ridiculous that you're somehow still intact.
This is how I'm feeling on the cusp of a brand new year. I have a deep appreciation for where I've been, and I wouldn't change a thing. I feel like I've stepped off of one roller coaster long enough for the dust to settle-- finally! But I'm not so naive now. I know entirely new adventures await. Thankfully, 2013 taught me that the safety belt of God's peace will help a whole lot more than my own conniving plans to stop the roller coaster or somehow direct its course. Because sometimes you can't stop it. You just have to hold on for dear life, or let Someone hold onto you.
Our friend Andrew posted a Bill Watterson quote on Facebook tonight that seemed to perfectly summarize my thoughts as I slipped into the contemplative reverie many of us find ourselves in this time of year: "The truth is, most of us discover where we are headed when we arrive. At that time, we turn around and say, yes, this is obviously where I was going all along."
Of course, I won't pretend to sit here on New Year's Eve thinking that I've actually arrived. Do we ever arrive? My limited experience with adulthood says no. But for the first time in a long time, my thoughts have slowed down enough for me to look back and see that so far, it all needed to happen like this. I don't mean to be morbidly vague, but coming to the end of yourself is quite possibly the best thing you can ever hope for. Only then can you glimpse how big God is.
Last year I was all, good riddance 2012. This year, I would like to think that I'm wholeheartedly grateful for 2013. The dark, dark spring allowed the sun to shine so much brighter in the summer when I was ready to let it in.
I feel like the last
Anyway, I stepped off that stage, diploma in hand, and unwittingly stepped onto the crazy roller coaster of young adulthood.
I don't mean to stretch an analogy too far, but if you've been on this roller coaster surely you can empathize. At first, it's exciting! After all, the unknown stretching out before you is full of possibilities. There's a bit of an uphill climb, but that's to be expected as you start your career! Then at some point, your feet fall out from under you. Maybe it scares you, maybe it thrills you, maybe you're too busy worrying about how you look to notice how fast and far you fell. The roller coaster picks up speed, but that's life! You're busy. You're living life to the fullest or something like that.
As the roller coaster continues to accelerate rapidly, maybe you start to loose your breath. The turns are steeper and the climbs and subsequent drops become more and more frequent. Your stomach is constantly in your throat. Your teeth are rattling. Maybe you're still riding high on adrenaline, or maybe you start to get scared. You can't see where you're going anymore. You're terrified of what loops and twists and turns lay ahead. You realize you can't do anything to make this roller coaster stop. You think you'd rather be anywhere but here. You knuckles are white. Maybe you're screaming, maybe you're mute.
Suddenly, before you have time to think about what's happening, you grind to a halt. The machine throws your safety harness off and you're expected to test your sea legs on the hollow wooden platform. Is the platform shaking, or are you? Once you catch your breath, you step back and look at the behemoth before you with respect and a whole new appreciation for what just happened. Also maybe with gratitude because it's a little bit ridiculous that you're somehow still intact.
This is how I'm feeling on the cusp of a brand new year. I have a deep appreciation for where I've been, and I wouldn't change a thing. I feel like I've stepped off of one roller coaster long enough for the dust to settle-- finally! But I'm not so naive now. I know entirely new adventures await. Thankfully, 2013 taught me that the safety belt of God's peace will help a whole lot more than my own conniving plans to stop the roller coaster or somehow direct its course. Because sometimes you can't stop it. You just have to hold on for dear life, or let Someone hold onto you.
Friday, July 12, 2013
'Summer Vacation'
I've been off work for a month. A month!
The first week, I really didn't move from the couch. I mean, I went to a Continuing Education seminar on breastfeeding, and I went to the doctor and the dentist and all those things I needed to catch up on. But mostly, I napped and read the first 4 Harry Potter books and watched all the Harry Potter movies, because that's how summer vacation should start.
I also cried a lot.
The following week, I got out more, started working out again, and found myself insanely happy some days. Sunshine will do that to me.
Last week was more or less consumed with 4th of July fun.
And now, after a busy week of job interviews and job shadowing, it's somehow Friday again. Four weeks since my last day at work.
I really thought I'd be back on the blogging train with all this (theoretical) time on my hands. But not yet, I guess. The words still haven't come.
I also really thought I'd have a job by now. This time of 'rest' has been shaking a lot of things loose in my heart and I'm still trying to wrap my head around God's love, His perfect plan, and my place in that plan. It hasn't been easy, but I'm so grateful.
A thought to leave you with:
The first week, I really didn't move from the couch. I mean, I went to a Continuing Education seminar on breastfeeding, and I went to the doctor and the dentist and all those things I needed to catch up on. But mostly, I napped and read the first 4 Harry Potter books and watched all the Harry Potter movies, because that's how summer vacation should start.
I also cried a lot.
The following week, I got out more, started working out again, and found myself insanely happy some days. Sunshine will do that to me.
Last week was more or less consumed with 4th of July fun.
And now, after a busy week of job interviews and job shadowing, it's somehow Friday again. Four weeks since my last day at work.
I really thought I'd be back on the blogging train with all this (theoretical) time on my hands. But not yet, I guess. The words still haven't come.
I also really thought I'd have a job by now. This time of 'rest' has been shaking a lot of things loose in my heart and I'm still trying to wrap my head around God's love, His perfect plan, and my place in that plan. It hasn't been easy, but I'm so grateful.
A thought to leave you with:
Worry is not believing God will get it right, and bitterness is believing God got it wrong. -Timothy Keller
Friday, February 1, 2013
Currently: February
February. Can you believe it?! I'm okay with it since the daylight hours are already growing longer and the temperatures, in theory, are creeping upward.
Eating: I'm trying to bake less, but I'm really tempted to bake with joy on Fridays and to bake out of anxiety on Sundays. I've been loving these brownies. I won't tell you how quickly Ross and I finished the first pan...
Reading: The Mark of the Lion series by Francine Rivers. It's historical fiction based in the early years of Christianity. So good.
Wanting: Clarity. Answers. A direction in life. Nothing new there.
Needing: Sunshine and warm air!
Loving: A more predictable schedule, even if it is a busy one.
Thinking: I need to take advantage of this schedule and get into a workout routine again. I love endorphins and working out once or twice a week isn't going to cut it.
Feeling: Very ready for our mini-vacation in Nebraska City this weekend. Wohoo!
Missing: Hawaii. How can it be that a full 365 days have gone by since we went?
Looking forward to: Being done with accutane. I'm on the downhill slope, but I think I'm going to need 20 weeks instead of 16 weeks like I was hoping.
What's new with you?
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Sunday Night Blues
Remember in high school, you'd leave school on a Friday afternoon with a light heart and spend the weekend sleeping in, hanging out with your friends, and running around town with boundless energy? And then all-too-soon, Sunday night would come and you'd have to face reality and your homework and another week of school?
Well, this Monday through Friday gig? It kind of reminds me of that. I did the bedside nurse thing for 5 years almost to the day. There were a lot of pros and a lot of cons, and I hope to get back there someday. Sure, I hated working weekends, it wore me out when 12-hours felt like forever long, the unpredictable schedule was infuriating, and I loathed working holidays. But this cycle of 45 to 50 hour workweeks and a weekend that goes by too quickly? It kind of crushes your spirit.
So kudos to you who have been doing this for 5, 10, 20, or 30 years. Truly, my hat is off to you. When do you go to the doctor or run errands or get a haircut? How do you find time for sanity? And do Sunday nights ever get any less depressing?!
.
.
.
I can't tie these past few months into a neat and tidy bow because they're very much still a work in progress. I can't talk about many of the details online, but changing jobs has knocked me off my feet in a whole lot of ways. I have so many thoughts swimming through my head, but there's one very tangible thing I became aware of this week: God has been faithful through my tears and my unmet expectations.
He's teaching me a lot of lessons about control and he's teaching me that I can still rest in him regardless of circumstances. Every Sunday night, I'm sick to my stomach with anxiety and I truly don't know how I will get through the week that stretches before me. It's unfathomable and uncomfortable and I know I'm completely unprepared for the questions and phone calls and expectations that I will face tomorrow morning.
But the past two weeks, I've sat down every single morning and admitted, God, I can't do this. I can't pretend to know what I'm talking about. I can't pretend that I anticipate the doctor's every need. I can't get through this day without you. I don't know what it looks like to pray unceasingly, but I know will all my heart that I need you if I'm going to make it through today.
And he does. He gets me through the day by no merit of my own, but with a peace that truly surpasses understanding. My heart has been shockingly, unbelievably calm amidst the crazy the past two weeks. Now staying calm when I get home? That's a different story altogether.
But tonight, in this one moment, I know I can wholeheartedly thank God for bringing me to my knees because I'm finally getting a glimpse of how his strength is made perfect in my weakness. Each Sunday night, I just know the chasm is far too wide and I won't make it to Friday. And every Friday I realize I don't deserve any credit for having made it through.
I don't want to take this for granted. And I can't wait to see what God has up his sleeve because he makes all things (even especially the hard things) work together for my good.
Your Love Never Fails by Jesus Culture
Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails
I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There maybe pain in the night
but joy comes in the morning
And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails
The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone in these open seas
'Cause Your love never fails
The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails
You make all things work together for my good
Well, this Monday through Friday gig? It kind of reminds me of that. I did the bedside nurse thing for 5 years almost to the day. There were a lot of pros and a lot of cons, and I hope to get back there someday. Sure, I hated working weekends, it wore me out when 12-hours felt like forever long, the unpredictable schedule was infuriating, and I loathed working holidays. But this cycle of 45 to 50 hour workweeks and a weekend that goes by too quickly? It kind of crushes your spirit.
So kudos to you who have been doing this for 5, 10, 20, or 30 years. Truly, my hat is off to you. When do you go to the doctor or run errands or get a haircut? How do you find time for sanity? And do Sunday nights ever get any less depressing?!
.
.
.
I can't tie these past few months into a neat and tidy bow because they're very much still a work in progress. I can't talk about many of the details online, but changing jobs has knocked me off my feet in a whole lot of ways. I have so many thoughts swimming through my head, but there's one very tangible thing I became aware of this week: God has been faithful through my tears and my unmet expectations.
He's teaching me a lot of lessons about control and he's teaching me that I can still rest in him regardless of circumstances. Every Sunday night, I'm sick to my stomach with anxiety and I truly don't know how I will get through the week that stretches before me. It's unfathomable and uncomfortable and I know I'm completely unprepared for the questions and phone calls and expectations that I will face tomorrow morning.
But the past two weeks, I've sat down every single morning and admitted, God, I can't do this. I can't pretend to know what I'm talking about. I can't pretend that I anticipate the doctor's every need. I can't get through this day without you. I don't know what it looks like to pray unceasingly, but I know will all my heart that I need you if I'm going to make it through today.
And he does. He gets me through the day by no merit of my own, but with a peace that truly surpasses understanding. My heart has been shockingly, unbelievably calm amidst the crazy the past two weeks. Now staying calm when I get home? That's a different story altogether.
But tonight, in this one moment, I know I can wholeheartedly thank God for bringing me to my knees because I'm finally getting a glimpse of how his strength is made perfect in my weakness. Each Sunday night, I just know the chasm is far too wide and I won't make it to Friday. And every Friday I realize I don't deserve any credit for having made it through.
I don't want to take this for granted. And I can't wait to see what God has up his sleeve because he makes all things (
Your Love Never Fails by Jesus Culture
Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails
I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There maybe pain in the night
but joy comes in the morning
And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails
The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone in these open seas
'Cause Your love never fails
The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails
You make all things work together for my good
Friday, January 18, 2013
Life is hard
I didn't want to write again until I got out of this funk I'm in. Let's be real, my blog is becoming a little too Debbie Downer, even for me. So I waited a week or two. Yet here I am, still in a funk and I don't know that it's leaving any time soon. Life is hard! I feel like overcoming one hurdle just leads to another. And when I recognize that my own selfishness is creating my hurdles? Well, that's never fun. How come I can get myself into messes so easily, but I can't get myself out of them on my own?
I hoped and prayed for a season of rest this January and February. My Teaching Assistant job is over, I'm on a break from school, and I took a clinic job to maybe have a little less work stress and a more predictable schedule.
Joke's on me because once again, I find that I placed my hope in the wrong place. This clinic job... whew. High-risk pregnancy is a high-stakes area, and one I really know nothing about. So I'm starting from scratch and it's stressful. It's hard. It's a lot of tears. It's also a lot of overtime, which is nice for my bank account and terrible for my sanity and my relationships.
When oh when will I learn?! Only God brings peace. I know that in my head, I feel that in my bones, but my heart is bent against that truth right now. For immature reasons, I'm holding back on surrendering my all yet again. Even though I don't want to be, I'm a little mad at God.
I've learned a lot this year. I've seen God's loving hand on the worst circumstances. In fact, I can even see it now. He's telling to me rely on him, trust in him, seek peace in him, hope in him. Despite my circumstances. But oh, I'm so tired.
I never used to understand people who said they were ready for heaven, but I'm starting to see the attraction. I'm weary of this world. I'm weary of the tenuous balance between waking up and wanting to do better, and the stark awareness that when I try to do better on my own accord, I am doing a disservice to the cross. Because I can't make my life what I want it to be.
And the life I want? It's the one where "He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, not crying, nor any more pain, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:3-4
So maybe this is too dark, but it's where I am. I need to let go of my pride and admit that I am weak-- which is okay, because He is strong.
I hoped and prayed for a season of rest this January and February. My Teaching Assistant job is over, I'm on a break from school, and I took a clinic job to maybe have a little less work stress and a more predictable schedule.
Joke's on me because once again, I find that I placed my hope in the wrong place. This clinic job... whew. High-risk pregnancy is a high-stakes area, and one I really know nothing about. So I'm starting from scratch and it's stressful. It's hard. It's a lot of tears. It's also a lot of overtime, which is nice for my bank account and terrible for my sanity and my relationships.
When oh when will I learn?! Only God brings peace. I know that in my head, I feel that in my bones, but my heart is bent against that truth right now. For immature reasons, I'm holding back on surrendering my all yet again. Even though I don't want to be, I'm a little mad at God.
I've learned a lot this year. I've seen God's loving hand on the worst circumstances. In fact, I can even see it now. He's telling to me rely on him, trust in him, seek peace in him, hope in him. Despite my circumstances. But oh, I'm so tired.
I never used to understand people who said they were ready for heaven, but I'm starting to see the attraction. I'm weary of this world. I'm weary of the tenuous balance between waking up and wanting to do better, and the stark awareness that when I try to do better on my own accord, I am doing a disservice to the cross. Because I can't make my life what I want it to be.
And the life I want? It's the one where "He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, not crying, nor any more pain, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:3-4
So maybe this is too dark, but it's where I am. I need to let go of my pride and admit that I am weak-- which is okay, because He is strong.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
The Day I Never Thought Would Come
Last year around this time, the Chair of my graduate program sent out an e-mail to the MSN students declaring that they were initiating a Graduate Teaching Assistant (GTA) position and any grad student could apply. The job would entail 20 hours a week as a lab assistant and clinical instructor for the Accelerated BSN (ABSN) students. The perks were free tuition and a small stipend.
I was two classes into my Master's program, and I thought free tuition sounded awfully nice. So I applied on a whim, thinking I was far too unqualified to even be considered. But lo and behold, they called me for an interview. I left that interview feeling like an inexperienced nurse, incapable of being in an authority position over the extremely driven ABSN students. I was so shocked when I got an offer letter two days later that I accepted without thinking. I felt so lucky that I was getting free tuition for a whole year!
Oh, self. Didn't you know? Nothing in life is free.
But this launched my PLAN. A plan that quickly grew from a rough curriculum outline to a lifemap that I could not stray from, lest I non get what I want out of this life.
It didn't take long for the anxiety to set in. I could stand apart from myself in moments of clarity and laugh at the irony that I may not have watched all of those Mosby nursing skills DVDs when I was an undergrad, but I sure as heck had to sit through them now if I wanted to have a clue what I was talking about in skills lab!
But overall, to say that I felt an impending sense of doom by late February would not be an exaggeration. I knew there was no way I could survive the year with my sanity intact: the bouts of panic, the tears, the 60-hour workweeks + homework...
I was already unraveling when I received unwelcome and unexpected news in March. In one instant, I crumbled beneath the weight of all the things. One small mercy of that situation was that I had to got to let go of the plan. I was struggling to function from day to day and it only took one brief, embarrassing meeting with my advisors for all of us to see that a summer spent teaching intense ABSN clinicals in an unfamiliar unit was out of the question.
So I took 8 weeks off of school and teaching. I went to work and came home and read my Bible and journaled and went to counseling and got into a workout routine and God poured peace on me like I'd never known.
Literally the day I finally laid aside my delusions of playing catch-up on my meticulous plan and decided that I was okay with not finishing grad school any time soon, I got a phone call from my advisor, asking me to come back to my GTA position this fall. I was terrified, but I said yes because I had signed a contract in January and I wanted to fulfill it. Of course, to be a GTA, you also have to be a grad student. So I started classes again.
That means this fall brought busy and crazy and doubtful and heaping doses of humble and inadequate right back into my life. Thankfully, even though there have been a lot of tears and not a lot of sleep, I never quite reached the epic levels of panic I was dealing with last March. When I think back to my heavy heart last spring, my today heart hurts for that lonely girl looking for hope in all the wrong places.
This morning, I helped another teacher with one last lab checkoff. Then I walked out the doors of the nursing building into the welcome sunshine and just like that... a whole year flew by. Done.
If those walls could talk...
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It wasn't pretty. It wasn't easy. I won't pretend I did this on my own strength. I also won't pretend that I was wholly surrendered to God every moment of every day. It's been more like a long game of tug-of-war! Yet somehow, with everything that I've messed up and all the selfish decisions I've made, I can't deny that God has been kind to me. In pain and in peace. He's instilling confidence in me slowly, carefully, and deliberately. He's teaching me to place hope in the right places and not in myself or my situation or in the opinions of others.
He really drove this point home yesterday at our clinical wrap-up meeting. I finished up some paperwork with my students, all the teachers and the other GTA and I had a little dedication ceremony for the students, and then the students headed to the computer lab to fill out a program survey. I asked my advisor what I should do, and she said, "we're done, see ya!"
Um. What? No, Thanks so much for your selfless service. We couldn't have survived without you? No, Oh, remember that time you bawled your eyes out in my office? How's that situation working out for you? I was a little offended.
In one blinding moment of clarity, I saw my pride. As if that program was about me. As if. And even though I've said the words and seen it in my actions, I finally felt it: I really do think the world revolves around me. God knew he had to break me to show me. And what better time of the year to celebrate my need for a savior? It took me a year to see it.
----
P.S. The last two weeks have been fueled by sugar and coffee and I feel like I've aged 6 years in the last 6 months. But. As of today, I'm also halfway done with my MSN! 18 credit hours down, 18 to go. Now I would love to celebrate by sleeping for 18 hours!
I was two classes into my Master's program, and I thought free tuition sounded awfully nice. So I applied on a whim, thinking I was far too unqualified to even be considered. But lo and behold, they called me for an interview. I left that interview feeling like an inexperienced nurse, incapable of being in an authority position over the extremely driven ABSN students. I was so shocked when I got an offer letter two days later that I accepted without thinking. I felt so lucky that I was getting free tuition for a whole year!
Oh, self. Didn't you know? Nothing in life is free.
But this launched my PLAN. A plan that quickly grew from a rough curriculum outline to a lifemap that I could not stray from, lest I non get what I want out of this life.
It didn't take long for the anxiety to set in. I could stand apart from myself in moments of clarity and laugh at the irony that I may not have watched all of those Mosby nursing skills DVDs when I was an undergrad, but I sure as heck had to sit through them now if I wanted to have a clue what I was talking about in skills lab!
But overall, to say that I felt an impending sense of doom by late February would not be an exaggeration. I knew there was no way I could survive the year with my sanity intact: the bouts of panic, the tears, the 60-hour workweeks + homework...
I was already unraveling when I received unwelcome and unexpected news in March. In one instant, I crumbled beneath the weight of all the things. One small mercy of that situation was that I
So I took 8 weeks off of school and teaching. I went to work and came home and read my Bible and journaled and went to counseling and got into a workout routine and God poured peace on me like I'd never known.
Literally the day I finally laid aside my delusions of playing catch-up on my meticulous plan and decided that I was okay with not finishing grad school any time soon, I got a phone call from my advisor, asking me to come back to my GTA position this fall. I was terrified, but I said yes because I had signed a contract in January and I wanted to fulfill it. Of course, to be a GTA, you also have to be a grad student. So I started classes again.
That means this fall brought busy and crazy and doubtful and heaping doses of humble and inadequate right back into my life. Thankfully, even though there have been a lot of tears and not a lot of sleep, I never quite reached the epic levels of panic I was dealing with last March. When I think back to my heavy heart last spring, my today heart hurts for that lonely girl looking for hope in all the wrong places.
This morning, I helped another teacher with one last lab checkoff. Then I walked out the doors of the nursing building into the welcome sunshine and just like that... a whole year flew by. Done.
If those walls could talk...
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It wasn't pretty. It wasn't easy. I won't pretend I did this on my own strength. I also won't pretend that I was wholly surrendered to God every moment of every day. It's been more like a long game of tug-of-war! Yet somehow, with everything that I've messed up and all the selfish decisions I've made, I can't deny that God has been kind to me. In pain and in peace. He's instilling confidence in me slowly, carefully, and deliberately. He's teaching me to place hope in the right places and not in myself or my situation or in the opinions of others.
He really drove this point home yesterday at our clinical wrap-up meeting. I finished up some paperwork with my students, all the teachers and the other GTA and I had a little dedication ceremony for the students, and then the students headed to the computer lab to fill out a program survey. I asked my advisor what I should do, and she said, "we're done, see ya!"
Um. What? No, Thanks so much for your selfless service. We couldn't have survived without you? No, Oh, remember that time you bawled your eyes out in my office? How's that situation working out for you? I was a little offended.
In one blinding moment of clarity, I saw my pride. As if that program was about me. As if. And even though I've said the words and seen it in my actions, I finally felt it: I really do think the world revolves around me. God knew he had to break me to show me. And what better time of the year to celebrate my need for a savior? It took me a year to see it.
----
P.S. The last two weeks have been fueled by sugar and coffee and I feel like I've aged 6 years in the last 6 months. But. As of today, I'm also halfway done with my MSN! 18 credit hours down, 18 to go. Now I would love to celebrate by sleeping for 18 hours!
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Discerning God's Will
Emily Freeman reminded me last weekend, "sometimes you have to say 'yes' to the wrong thing to know you should have said 'no.'" I feel like that's the story of my life. I'm so tired of making the wrong decision. In the last year, I've mad a lot of them. Sometimes they're framed in the light of a 'greater good,' yet they still met the ends I desired, as part of my 'master plan.' I said yes to the things that don't matter and no to the things that do.
In hindsight, this sounds just ridiculous. But I was building my kingdom and it was imperative that the bricks were placed just so. Yet the foundation? It was rotting from the inside out. When things fell apart, I saw that everything I'd been doing and working toward was in vain. Temporary. Bitterly fleeting.
For a brief time, I was able to live in the freedom of close communion with God. Then slowly but surely, my heart started to harden again. Priorities shifted, plans changed, life happened.
Today I repent that I've let busy-ness get in the way again. In enjoying a renewed friendship with my husband, I've developed a false sense of complacency and faltered in my attempts to purse friendship with others. I've let my goals sneak higher and higher in my list of priorities to the extent that I lost sight of the present. I didn't think I was holding that tightly to my plans again, until a new opportunity challenged me to feel the weight of them. I repent of trying to do things out of my own strength and trying to make decisions out of my own wisdom.
I look down and see my white-knuckled grip, and I'm embarrassed.
Last week, I turned to journaling, I turned to desperate prayers to God, I turned to my Bible, I turned to conversations with my husband for discernment, and then I turned inward. Deeper and deeper. Like I was watching from the outside as my husband tried to communicate with me and I didn't respond. I saw myself being the person I didn't want to be, but I couldn't silence the conflicting voices in my head. They exhausted me, they kept me from sleeping, and Friday night, they even took away my appetite. (That's when you really know something's wrong with me)!
While I was looking in the right places, I was still trying to apply Godly wisdom to my earthly framework. So Sunday at church, I did what I was always too afraid to do, and I went up to one of the pastors to ask for advice. Of course, he didn't have a concrete answer. It wouldn't be right if he did. But he did give me some great resources and an awesome analogy borrowed from Tim Keller that's too good not to share.
In a nutshell, the three elements of a call are: ability, affinity, and opportunity. Ability is endowed by God as well as life experience through which your skills have been or can be developed. Affinity means you have to want to do this thing. You are acutely aware of a human need and you have a desire to fill that need. This desire shouldn't rise out of immature motives, such as a pay increase you don't really need, a desire for glory, or even a need to be needed. (I definitely struggle here. Are my desires the right desires?) Finally, you must have an opportunity to do this job.
Keller notes that when ability, affinity, and opportunity are all present and pointing in the same direction, a person can discern God's call.
Like so.
When I think about my life, I can see that ability and affinity without opportunity leads me to rush God's timing as I try to force an outcome that I want. This often ends up with me taking an even longer way around to the original destination (or, you know, a one-way ticket to an entirely different destination than the one I thought I wanted).
Ability and opportunity without affinity can feed selfish desires but leads to burnout really quickly. These opportunities are the ones I'm most likely to say yes to and then regret. I think, "well, this presented itself to me, so it must be a sign that I should take it." Ummm no. Case in point: grad school. Untold benefits and a great number of lessons learned, but man those classes are like pulling teeth. My middle brother just started law school and he freaking loves it. Why don't I feel that joy?! I think to an extent, it's okay to do something you don't necessarily love if it leads to an end result that you do feel affinity toward, but I'm not sure what I'm getting this degree for at this point. I digress. Basically, when I'm facing a decision involving ability and opportunity without affinity, I need to remember: just because you can, doesn't mean you should.
Finally, affinity and opportunity without ability is going to be endlessly frustrating. For example, I would love to run a marathon. I really love running, it's easy enough to sign up for a race, but my body just cannot handle that mileage. I've tried three times, and every time my body just breaks down halfway thorugh the training cycle.
In the face of a lot of opportunities, I'm praying for affinity for something... anything... right now.
In hindsight, this sounds just ridiculous. But I was building my kingdom and it was imperative that the bricks were placed just so. Yet the foundation? It was rotting from the inside out. When things fell apart, I saw that everything I'd been doing and working toward was in vain. Temporary. Bitterly fleeting.
For a brief time, I was able to live in the freedom of close communion with God. Then slowly but surely, my heart started to harden again. Priorities shifted, plans changed, life happened.
Today I repent that I've let busy-ness get in the way again. In enjoying a renewed friendship with my husband, I've developed a false sense of complacency and faltered in my attempts to purse friendship with others. I've let my goals sneak higher and higher in my list of priorities to the extent that I lost sight of the present. I didn't think I was holding that tightly to my plans again, until a new opportunity challenged me to feel the weight of them. I repent of trying to do things out of my own strength and trying to make decisions out of my own wisdom.
I look down and see my white-knuckled grip, and I'm embarrassed.
Last week, I turned to journaling, I turned to desperate prayers to God, I turned to my Bible, I turned to conversations with my husband for discernment, and then I turned inward. Deeper and deeper. Like I was watching from the outside as my husband tried to communicate with me and I didn't respond. I saw myself being the person I didn't want to be, but I couldn't silence the conflicting voices in my head. They exhausted me, they kept me from sleeping, and Friday night, they even took away my appetite. (That's when you really know something's wrong with me)!
While I was looking in the right places, I was still trying to apply Godly wisdom to my earthly framework. So Sunday at church, I did what I was always too afraid to do, and I went up to one of the pastors to ask for advice. Of course, he didn't have a concrete answer. It wouldn't be right if he did. But he did give me some great resources and an awesome analogy borrowed from Tim Keller that's too good not to share.
In a nutshell, the three elements of a call are: ability, affinity, and opportunity. Ability is endowed by God as well as life experience through which your skills have been or can be developed. Affinity means you have to want to do this thing. You are acutely aware of a human need and you have a desire to fill that need. This desire shouldn't rise out of immature motives, such as a pay increase you don't really need, a desire for glory, or even a need to be needed. (I definitely struggle here. Are my desires the right desires?) Finally, you must have an opportunity to do this job.
Keller notes that when ability, affinity, and opportunity are all present and pointing in the same direction, a person can discern God's call.
Like so.
 |
| (source) |
Ability and opportunity without affinity can feed selfish desires but leads to burnout really quickly. These opportunities are the ones I'm most likely to say yes to and then regret. I think, "well, this presented itself to me, so it must be a sign that I should take it." Ummm no. Case in point: grad school. Untold benefits and a great number of lessons learned, but man those classes are like pulling teeth. My middle brother just started law school and he freaking loves it. Why don't I feel that joy?! I think to an extent, it's okay to do something you don't necessarily love if it leads to an end result that you do feel affinity toward, but I'm not sure what I'm getting this degree for at this point. I digress. Basically, when I'm facing a decision involving ability and opportunity without affinity, I need to remember: just because you can, doesn't mean you should.
 |
| (source) |
 |
| Emily and me after a half marathon (2 years ago already?!) |
Monday, October 15, 2012
The Right Thing at the Wrong Time
The right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing.
Such simple words, spoken by a wise woman.
The right thing
at the wrong time
is still the wrong thing.
I have pages and pages of notes from the Influence conference this weekend but that line keeps resonating with me. Unlike it seemed to be for a lot of people, Influence wasn't a super-fun amazingwonderfulspectacular weekend for me. It was, however, thought-provoking and life-affirming. Really, I couldn't think of a better way to sum up this past year. It seemed like each speaker in the "Life" track sessions addressed a different aspect of my 2012.
I slept less than I should have, but that was more thanks to taking Sudafed before bed than to late-night conversations. Even though my roommates and I weren't up late chatting, I couldn't have asked for a better group of girls. Chelsea, Heather, and Emily were easy-going, low-maintenance, and down-to-earth. (And I now know that when your friend is not 6 feet 3 inches tall, it's totally possible to comfortably share a full-sized bed with someone and not touch.)
So have I been influenced? Absolutely. I'm ready to set this little light of mine on a hill. Witnessing God's work this year has been the joy of my heart and it's growing harder and harder not to share what he's done: pain, mess, and all.
Yet I hesitate. I'm nothing if not impulsive. All-or-nothing. Black and white. This weekend re-affirmed that this season I'm in? It's called waiting. And I'm so pleased to obey my good and gracious Father for once. I don't need to move forward for the sake of progress. I don't need to rationalize decisions and barge into something that allows my kingdom to come and my will to be done. That's ugly. And I've done that for far, far too long.
I feel the simultaneous and conflicting, yet complimentary tensions between 1 Peter 3 and Isaiah 54:
I still have a lot to think about and digest, but I'm grateful for this weekend. Grateful for vulnerability. Grateful that I had the opportunity to leave home and become a part of this 'tribe of women,' if you will. And I'm overwhelmingly grateful that absence makes the heart grow fonder and I came home to husband willing to listen to me sort some of this stuff out. So grateful.
P.S. The hotel was attached to a nice mall and I finally tried on a pair of Toms. I bought them on the spot. They're like sweatpants for your feet. Watch out, world. My wardrobe just got more casual. (I can hear Ross cringing already).
Such simple words, spoken by a wise woman.
The right thing
at the wrong time
is still the wrong thing.
I have pages and pages of notes from the Influence conference this weekend but that line keeps resonating with me. Unlike it seemed to be for a lot of people, Influence wasn't a super-fun amazingwonderfulspectacular weekend for me. It was, however, thought-provoking and life-affirming. Really, I couldn't think of a better way to sum up this past year. It seemed like each speaker in the "Life" track sessions addressed a different aspect of my 2012.
I slept less than I should have, but that was more thanks to taking Sudafed before bed than to late-night conversations. Even though my roommates and I weren't up late chatting, I couldn't have asked for a better group of girls. Chelsea, Heather, and Emily were easy-going, low-maintenance, and down-to-earth. (And I now know that when your friend is not 6 feet 3 inches tall, it's totally possible to comfortably share a full-sized bed with someone and not touch.)
 |
| From dinner Thursday night |
Yet I hesitate. I'm nothing if not impulsive. All-or-nothing. Black and white. This weekend re-affirmed that this season I'm in? It's called waiting. And I'm so pleased to obey my good and gracious Father for once. I don't need to move forward for the sake of progress. I don't need to rationalize decisions and barge into something that allows my kingdom to come and my will to be done. That's ugly. And I've done that for far, far too long.
I feel the simultaneous and conflicting, yet complimentary tensions between 1 Peter 3 and Isaiah 54:
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. [1 Peter 3:3-4]I've spent so much time being quiet and bitter, or quiet and scared, or quiet and awkward. But finally, I feel the tug toward a quiet and gentle spirit. At the same time, the Lord says,
Enlarge the place of your tent,I loved that image when Jessi read this verse on Friday. The call to stretch your tent curtains and lengthen your cords is a call I've reluctantly and unwillingly answered this year. But in retrospect, God is using this stress to strengthen my stakes and I'm rooted anew in a Savior I can never deserve.
stretch your tent curtains wide,
do not hold back;
lengthen your cords,
strengthen your stakes.
For you will spread out to the right and to the left;
your descendants will dispossess nationsand settle in their desolate cities. [Isaiah 54:2-3]
I still have a lot to think about and digest, but I'm grateful for this weekend. Grateful for vulnerability. Grateful that I had the opportunity to leave home and become a part of this 'tribe of women,' if you will. And I'm overwhelmingly grateful that absence makes the heart grow fonder and I came home to husband willing to listen to me sort some of this stuff out. So grateful.
P.S. The hotel was attached to a nice mall and I finally tried on a pair of Toms. I bought them on the spot. They're like sweatpants for your feet. Watch out, world. My wardrobe just got more casual. (I can hear Ross cringing already).
Monday, October 8, 2012
The Husband I Always Wanted
I recently listened a sermon entitled, New Marriage, Same Spouse. If you had shared this concept with me a year ago, I would have scoffed and laughed nervously. But mercy found me this summer.
Hope is real.
And God is bigger than I ever would have dreamed.
I have a bad habit of discussing an impending decision ad nauseum until I've talked myself in a circle and everyone around me has tuned out. The latest topic du jour has been a mission trip to Guatemala that I need to decide on... today.
Ever since I became a Registered Nurse five years ago (yikes!), I've wanted to use the education I was blessed with for the benefit of someone outside myself. To make a difference and not just a paycheck.
Time and time again opportunities have presented themselves and then fallen through. Last month, I heard about a chance to go to Guatemala through my school. The timing seems perfect and the price is right. I used to be obsessed with Guatemala when I was little. The trip is a pediatric nursing mission trip through a Christian university for crying out loud. How great is that?!
So I signed up and paid a deposit, but it didn't sit well. I wasn't filled with fear of going or a gut feeling that I was making a bad decision, but I just wasn't excited. If anything, I was more afraid of not going and missing out! I was growing frustrated with God. I wanted a clear answer. But all I could think was, I'm so tired right now. Taking a month off from school, being done with my teaching assistant job, hanging out with family over the holidays... those things sound really good. I know this is coming from a place of fatigue and weariness, but I can't deny those feelings.
I have another bad habit of presenting a situation to Ross, asking his opinion, and then playing devil's advocate and arguing the other side until he's really confused and frustrated. This usually ends in an argument not at all related to the decision I was trying to make in the first place. But last night, we discussed. We kept digging. Ross gave an opinion and held his ground. I fretted. Ross presented his case clearly and made me laugh, and I felt at peace.
I'm sad that this trip doesn't seem to be in the cards for me, but I'm overwhelmingly grateful that my husband listened to my heart and helped me make a tough decision! My fear of missing out is really a deep-seated fear that God won't provide the perfect mission trip on my timetable. And that's always a hard lesson to learn.
Instead of cramming more on my plate right now, I'm trying to keep all the current balls in the air and anticipate the moment when I can just sit down and stop juggling.
Hope is real.
And God is bigger than I ever would have dreamed.
I have a bad habit of discussing an impending decision ad nauseum until I've talked myself in a circle and everyone around me has tuned out. The latest topic du jour has been a mission trip to Guatemala that I need to decide on... today.
Ever since I became a Registered Nurse five years ago (yikes!), I've wanted to use the education I was blessed with for the benefit of someone outside myself. To make a difference and not just a paycheck.
Time and time again opportunities have presented themselves and then fallen through. Last month, I heard about a chance to go to Guatemala through my school. The timing seems perfect and the price is right. I used to be obsessed with Guatemala when I was little. The trip is a pediatric nursing mission trip through a Christian university for crying out loud. How great is that?!
So I signed up and paid a deposit, but it didn't sit well. I wasn't filled with fear of going or a gut feeling that I was making a bad decision, but I just wasn't excited. If anything, I was more afraid of not going and missing out! I was growing frustrated with God. I wanted a clear answer. But all I could think was, I'm so tired right now. Taking a month off from school, being done with my teaching assistant job, hanging out with family over the holidays... those things sound really good. I know this is coming from a place of fatigue and weariness, but I can't deny those feelings.
I have another bad habit of presenting a situation to Ross, asking his opinion, and then playing devil's advocate and arguing the other side until he's really confused and frustrated. This usually ends in an argument not at all related to the decision I was trying to make in the first place. But last night, we discussed. We kept digging. Ross gave an opinion and held his ground. I fretted. Ross presented his case clearly and made me laugh, and I felt at peace.
I'm sad that this trip doesn't seem to be in the cards for me, but I'm overwhelmingly grateful that my husband listened to my heart and helped me make a tough decision! My fear of missing out is really a deep-seated fear that God won't provide the perfect mission trip on my timetable. And that's always a hard lesson to learn.
Instead of cramming more on my plate right now, I'm trying to keep all the current balls in the air and anticipate the moment when I can just sit down and stop juggling.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened,
and I will give you rest. {Matthew 11:28}
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Faith vs. Amazement
Last Sunday, Paul David Tripp preached a sermon on Faith vs. Amazement. Download it and listen now, not later. It's one of those amazing sermons that will mean something to you to matter who you are or what you're doing.
I'm sure I'll talk more about the sermon, because I've been thinking about it every day since I first heard it. The premise is this: when you see God's hand in your life, does it lead to amazement or faith? I thought I had faith, but my actions say otherwise: I've been living in amazement and not in faith. Amazement is good, mind you. But it's not enough. Awe of God must lead to a deep trust in Him! Indeed,
..............
I won't say a lot about this for confidentiality purposes, but one of my students is so anxious and so worried about how every step and decision will play out in the scheme of her life. I find myself thinking, Stop obsessing! No matter how hard you try to make all the puzzle pieces fit, God will still take your plans and mold them how he sees fit! And then I realized THAT WAS ME about 6 months ago. I mean, I'm still a little obsessive (and I see now that it gets really old really fast) but those iron-clad plans, that flat-out panic that one little slip could throw everything off... ouch.
In hindsight, a lot of my plans not working out this past summer has already been a show of mercy. If nothing else goes "my" way for the rest of my life, I will still know that I have already been blessed beyond anything I deserve.
In my heart, I know that my plans are now held with a much looser fist. In fact, I think it's safe to say I'm currently balancing them in an open hand. Grad school? Travel? Career change? I can browse job pages all I want, but I'm not going to find the perfect job. There is no perfect time to have kids. There is no way to know if/when I will use my MSN degree. But today, I'm staying where I am until God tells me to move, and I'm at peace with that. In the meantime, I can continue topray beg God for direction and guidance!
I'm sure I'll talk more about the sermon, because I've been thinking about it every day since I first heard it. The premise is this: when you see God's hand in your life, does it lead to amazement or faith? I thought I had faith, but my actions say otherwise: I've been living in amazement and not in faith. Amazement is good, mind you. But it's not enough. Awe of God must lead to a deep trust in Him! Indeed,
"Where your treasure is, your heart will be as well... No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate one and love the other, or you will love one and despise the other." Matthew 6:21Where do I spend my time? Working toward my own goals without considering God's providence? Then this morning I read this verse:
"Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1Do I live with the assurance of faith, or do I toil in vain toward my goals and my priorities? Do I have a "back up plan" for God? I struggle with the saying, "God will provide" because I doubt that God wants to see us waste opportunities and sit around feeling entitled to provision. But then I read Matthew 6:28-34:
And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin, yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, will he not much more clothe you— you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?' or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness... Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.What do I do with that?!
..............
I won't say a lot about this for confidentiality purposes, but one of my students is so anxious and so worried about how every step and decision will play out in the scheme of her life. I find myself thinking, Stop obsessing! No matter how hard you try to make all the puzzle pieces fit, God will still take your plans and mold them how he sees fit! And then I realized THAT WAS ME about 6 months ago. I mean, I'm still a little obsessive (and I see now that it gets really old really fast) but those iron-clad plans, that flat-out panic that one little slip could throw everything off... ouch.
In hindsight, a lot of my plans not working out this past summer has already been a show of mercy. If nothing else goes "my" way for the rest of my life, I will still know that I have already been blessed beyond anything I deserve.
In my heart, I know that my plans are now held with a much looser fist. In fact, I think it's safe to say I'm currently balancing them in an open hand. Grad school? Travel? Career change? I can browse job pages all I want, but I'm not going to find the perfect job. There is no perfect time to have kids. There is no way to know if/when I will use my MSN degree. But today, I'm staying where I am until God tells me to move, and I'm at peace with that. In the meantime, I can continue to
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
I Tip my Hat
Four years ago today, we spun around the dance floor to Tracy Byrd's "Keeper of the Stars." We had a trial dance-off to half a dozen songs in my apartment while we were engaged, and this song was the lucky winner.
I loved the first verse:
It was no accident, me finding youWe were pulled together so magnetically and so perfectly 5 1/2 years ago that I knew we were never not meant to be. I took great comfort in this evidence of a God who knew my story before I did. We were engaged 5 months after meeting each other and married 10 months after that. Surely God was writing a "happily ever after" masterpiece.
Someone had a hand in it
Long before we ever knew
Now I just can't believe you're in my life
Heaven's smilin' down on me
As I look at you tonight
In the last year and a half, I've had serious reasons to reconsider that fairytale. But through the transforming grace of God, I've seen your heart change and I've seen my heart change and I can see that God intended for this to happen all along. These four years have not been for the faint of heart, and I wouldn't wish heartache on any marriage.
But without the storm, I wouldn't have seen the rainbow. I wouldn't be in a marriage that's so different and that's growing into something so much better than I thought possible. I would not have faced the darkness in my own heart or learned to begin to forgive the darkness in another's.
Today I can stand back and laugh at the days to come and shake my head in awe of this wonderful God we serve. Indeed:
I tip my hat to the keeper of the starsOur marriage has been the best thing that ever happened to me, and the worst thing that ever happened to me in my 27 short years on earth. We almost didn't make it to this four year milestone, but I'm grateful we did. Even after everything we've been through, it's easy to start focusing on my messy piles of paper, your inability to leave the toilet seat in the proper position, our disagreements on what makes an acceptable dinner or date night or vacation. We sometimes think that lack of intensity and lack of agreement means lack of love.
He sure knew what he was doin'
When he joined these two hearts
But if we're graced with many decades together, I pray that we never forget what God has taught us through marriage. We aren't entitled to the gift of marriage or even someday, God-willing, children. But through God's mercy, we are called to living the life we're given with grace, and I'm grateful that Grace has given me you.
Love,
your wife
p.s. thanks again to Erica for taking such treasured photos this summer!
Thursday, September 13, 2012
The second week
I tell you what, I'm learning just as much as my students this semester. Labor inductions, fundal checks, and Rhogam shots galore. I think I've done more now than I did in my own clinicals! There's a lot more to having a baby than just the baby. (Duh. Humor me, please.)
I'm out of my comfort zone in a big, big way. And I think... I think it might be stretching me to grow in a painful, stressful, but satisfying way.
I'm out of my comfort zone in a big, big way. And I think... I think it might be stretching me to grow in a painful, stressful, but satisfying way.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
How full is your plate?
I mentioned some things in yesterday's post that have been bouncing around my head for a few days, but I didn't want to put the effort into delving into them further. But several things happened throughout the course of the day that convinced me that this was something I needed to sit in and not breeze right through.
First, I read Jami's recent blog post on personality. She says,
Then I listened to a Mark Driscoll sermon about 2 Peter 1:5-15. The sermon, titled "Faith in Your New Life" was shockingly apropos: this spring, I learned a very harsh way that my plans are my idols. I didn't even have time to drop them-- they were pried out of my hands in a painful way that I'm not ready to blog about. In a series of twists that only God could've orchestrated, some of those plans have been restored in unexpected ways. I find myself feeling like "I have nothing I asked for, but everything I hoped for." And maybe even a little more than I think I'm ready to handle right now.
Today, life is relatively simple. Ross got a job this summer (praise. the. Lord.) and he works pretty typical office hours 5 days a week. I work three 12-hour shifts a week and run various errands, workout, cook, go to meetings, and whatnot on my days off. We go to church on Sundays. We're trying to be more social. That's it. But in two weeks everything changes. (Disclaimer: I really don't expect you to read the next few paragraphs. It's more for me to look back on and be amazed at what God does with this fall because left to our own devices, we're sure to mess up a good thing.)
This fall, Ross will continue working and he will also begin grad school again, taking several classes this semester so he can graduate (hopefully) in May. I'm also resuming classes. Because of everything that happened this summer, I had come to terms with not obtaining my Master's of Science in Nursing at this time. Then literally the day after I had come to terms with that, I was offered a Teaching Assistant contract for this fall. I was in a really confused place: hemmed in and then handed freedom shortly thereafter. So I agreed to the contract and since teaching also means resuming classes, I'll be taking 3 this fall (because, well, they're free).
So I have class Monday nights. I teach clinicals Tuesday and Wednesday. Ross has class Wednesday night. I work my usual shifts in the NICU on Thursday and Friday (and some weekends). Whew! On top of that, our small group begins a new study this week and they moved to Tuesday nights specifically so we could join again. I thought clinicals were from 0630-1630 on Tuesday and Wednesday, so those evenings would be free. I also joined a women's group at church on Wednesdays because I need to learn how to make more friends.
But this week I learned that my clinicals are 12 hours long. My understanding when I agreed to the contract was that they were 8 hours long. So, again, I'm confused. Yet I can't deny that this is a very clear answer to the prayer, "God, what should we do with our time this fall?" My initial reactions are that a.) now I really won't have free time to spend with Ross or anyone else, and b.) I was trying to reach out and make friends and now I don't have those opportunities. Both slightly exaggerated reactions, both reeking of control and pride issues.
I'm ashamed to say that I thought God would "reward" me for cramming small groups into my schedule. By making them unavailable he's either telling me that I made the wrong choice regarding clinical teaching (although it's too late to back out now), or that I'm overextending myself and I need to pull back and re-prioritize. When I overextend, I tend to under-commit and instead of doing a few things well, I do a lot of things poorly.
Which brings me back to the Mars Hill sermon I mentioned above. About a third of the way into the sermon, Mark Driscoll started talking about two obstacles to fruitfulness and I had to stop loading the dishwasher and sit down with a pen and my journal. The first obstacle is laziness: you don't do enough. The second obstacle is busyness: you do too much, but nothing of real importance.
In a sense, I feel like my schedule right now encourages laziness and busyness. When I'm busy, I'm busy. Gone from the house for 13 hours at a time, forced to be "on my game" and on my feet for hours and hours, unable to run any errands, struggling for time and energy to workout or make healthy meals or read my Bible. But when I'm off, I'm off. I have very few concrete plans and no daily itinerary. I'm really good at filling the time available for a task: if I have all day to do my Bible study or work out, why do it first thing, right? Wrong. But that's what I find myself doing. So maybe a more regimented calendar is what I need, even though it feels slightly overwhelming?
Then Driscoll said that to be repentant of this, you need better vision. To have your eyes opened, so to speak. As 2 Peter: 9 says, if you don't possess faith and strive to add it it the qualities of goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, mutual affection, and love, then you are nearsighted and blind. Blind to Jesus' work in your past (trying instead to earn what Jesus freely gave) or nearsighted and unable to look to the future (overwhelmed by the present and needing a vision to live in light of).
Can open. Worms everywhere. It's like he's talking directly to me! He went on to spell it out: to be fruitful, you need to remember "plate, priorities, and pruning." First, be realistic and assess the size of your plate. Everyone is different. There is no one-size-fits-all. I was so relieved to hear this! I'm always comparing myself to others, thinking how can they handle all of this and I can't even handle these few things? I was suddenly relieved of that burden. How big is my plate? Driscoll said some people's plate is the size of a dinner roll and that's okay. Other people may have a plate the size of a serving platter. All that matters is that you're honest with yourself and realistic. What size is your plate? Right now, I think mine is about the size of a 6 or 8-inch salad plate. Bigger than a dinner roll, but smaller than a dinner plate. And that's okay.
Priorities, then, looks at how you will fill the plate God has given you. Those who are lazy don't fill their plate and waste space. Those who are busy overfill their plate until stuff falls off. Lightbulb moment. I am still reminding myself to remember that priorities are more than what "needs" to get done today. What's important in the short term and the long term? Eternally? Pick carefully.
Pruning, obviously, means getting rid of the excess so that the vine can grow stronger. Eliminate the scraggly branches so you can devote more energy to strengthening the roots and trunk. Priorities and pruning will take more than a few days for me to determine, but it was so great to hear these things spelled out so simply. It's not rocket science.
I learned this spring that sometimes you just have to do it. I was looking for devotionals, looking for mentors, looking for someone to tell me what to do to walk as a Christian. While all those things are good, the answer was right in front of me: pick up the Bible and read it. If you're in a rough patch in life, read the book of James or Psalms. If you simply want to grow in faith, it's okay to start on page 1. You don't need a complicated Bible-reading plan! (I say you, but I mean "me" just as much. I'm forever a work in progress.)
What a long winded way for me to say, Keep it Simple Stupid. I have a co-worker who likes to say, "you can do everything. Just not all at once." And when I was talking to a professor about dropping a class this summer, he replied, "the question isn't 'can you' but 'should you'." That makes all the difference.
First, I read Jami's recent blog post on personality. She says,
I don't need tips and tricks on how to serve myself better and feed my personality label. I need to look at God and ask him to help me be obedient when it feels very uncomfortable. Even if it means functioning outside my natural bend... we all need to stop using our personalities as a crutch.
I must lean on Him and into Him for times when I think situations are beyond my personality capabilities and my energy level. I am learning to stop saying, it's just my personality! in order to avoid a challenge that leads to greater intimacy with God.
He is the source of energy that never runs out. He does not sleep and He does not get tired. He has endless patience and endless love. Endless courage and wisdom. When I find myself getting lost in my limitations, I look at the limitless power of our God. And that is good for me: to be weak and in my weakness find strength in Him.
Then I listened to a Mark Driscoll sermon about 2 Peter 1:5-15. The sermon, titled "Faith in Your New Life" was shockingly apropos: this spring, I learned a very harsh way that my plans are my idols. I didn't even have time to drop them-- they were pried out of my hands in a painful way that I'm not ready to blog about. In a series of twists that only God could've orchestrated, some of those plans have been restored in unexpected ways. I find myself feeling like "I have nothing I asked for, but everything I hoped for." And maybe even a little more than I think I'm ready to handle right now.
Today, life is relatively simple. Ross got a job this summer (praise. the. Lord.) and he works pretty typical office hours 5 days a week. I work three 12-hour shifts a week and run various errands, workout, cook, go to meetings, and whatnot on my days off. We go to church on Sundays. We're trying to be more social. That's it. But in two weeks everything changes. (Disclaimer: I really don't expect you to read the next few paragraphs. It's more for me to look back on and be amazed at what God does with this fall because left to our own devices, we're sure to mess up a good thing.)
This fall, Ross will continue working and he will also begin grad school again, taking several classes this semester so he can graduate (hopefully) in May. I'm also resuming classes. Because of everything that happened this summer, I had come to terms with not obtaining my Master's of Science in Nursing at this time. Then literally the day after I had come to terms with that, I was offered a Teaching Assistant contract for this fall. I was in a really confused place: hemmed in and then handed freedom shortly thereafter. So I agreed to the contract and since teaching also means resuming classes, I'll be taking 3 this fall (because, well, they're free).
So I have class Monday nights. I teach clinicals Tuesday and Wednesday. Ross has class Wednesday night. I work my usual shifts in the NICU on Thursday and Friday (and some weekends). Whew! On top of that, our small group begins a new study this week and they moved to Tuesday nights specifically so we could join again. I thought clinicals were from 0630-1630 on Tuesday and Wednesday, so those evenings would be free. I also joined a women's group at church on Wednesdays because I need to learn how to make more friends.
But this week I learned that my clinicals are 12 hours long. My understanding when I agreed to the contract was that they were 8 hours long. So, again, I'm confused. Yet I can't deny that this is a very clear answer to the prayer, "God, what should we do with our time this fall?" My initial reactions are that a.) now I really won't have free time to spend with Ross or anyone else, and b.) I was trying to reach out and make friends and now I don't have those opportunities. Both slightly exaggerated reactions, both reeking of control and pride issues.
I'm ashamed to say that I thought God would "reward" me for cramming small groups into my schedule. By making them unavailable he's either telling me that I made the wrong choice regarding clinical teaching (although it's too late to back out now), or that I'm overextending myself and I need to pull back and re-prioritize. When I overextend, I tend to under-commit and instead of doing a few things well, I do a lot of things poorly.
Which brings me back to the Mars Hill sermon I mentioned above. About a third of the way into the sermon, Mark Driscoll started talking about two obstacles to fruitfulness and I had to stop loading the dishwasher and sit down with a pen and my journal. The first obstacle is laziness: you don't do enough. The second obstacle is busyness: you do too much, but nothing of real importance.
In a sense, I feel like my schedule right now encourages laziness and busyness. When I'm busy, I'm busy. Gone from the house for 13 hours at a time, forced to be "on my game" and on my feet for hours and hours, unable to run any errands, struggling for time and energy to workout or make healthy meals or read my Bible. But when I'm off, I'm off. I have very few concrete plans and no daily itinerary. I'm really good at filling the time available for a task: if I have all day to do my Bible study or work out, why do it first thing, right? Wrong. But that's what I find myself doing. So maybe a more regimented calendar is what I need, even though it feels slightly overwhelming?
Then Driscoll said that to be repentant of this, you need better vision. To have your eyes opened, so to speak. As 2 Peter: 9 says, if you don't possess faith and strive to add it it the qualities of goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, mutual affection, and love, then you are nearsighted and blind. Blind to Jesus' work in your past (trying instead to earn what Jesus freely gave) or nearsighted and unable to look to the future (overwhelmed by the present and needing a vision to live in light of).
Can open. Worms everywhere. It's like he's talking directly to me! He went on to spell it out: to be fruitful, you need to remember "plate, priorities, and pruning." First, be realistic and assess the size of your plate. Everyone is different. There is no one-size-fits-all. I was so relieved to hear this! I'm always comparing myself to others, thinking how can they handle all of this and I can't even handle these few things? I was suddenly relieved of that burden. How big is my plate? Driscoll said some people's plate is the size of a dinner roll and that's okay. Other people may have a plate the size of a serving platter. All that matters is that you're honest with yourself and realistic. What size is your plate? Right now, I think mine is about the size of a 6 or 8-inch salad plate. Bigger than a dinner roll, but smaller than a dinner plate. And that's okay.
Priorities, then, looks at how you will fill the plate God has given you. Those who are lazy don't fill their plate and waste space. Those who are busy overfill their plate until stuff falls off. Lightbulb moment. I am still reminding myself to remember that priorities are more than what "needs" to get done today. What's important in the short term and the long term? Eternally? Pick carefully.
Pruning, obviously, means getting rid of the excess so that the vine can grow stronger. Eliminate the scraggly branches so you can devote more energy to strengthening the roots and trunk. Priorities and pruning will take more than a few days for me to determine, but it was so great to hear these things spelled out so simply. It's not rocket science.
I learned this spring that sometimes you just have to do it. I was looking for devotionals, looking for mentors, looking for someone to tell me what to do to walk as a Christian. While all those things are good, the answer was right in front of me: pick up the Bible and read it. If you're in a rough patch in life, read the book of James or Psalms. If you simply want to grow in faith, it's okay to start on page 1. You don't need a complicated Bible-reading plan! (I say you, but I mean "me" just as much. I'm forever a work in progress.)
What a long winded way for me to say, Keep it Simple
Monday, June 25, 2012
What Would it Look Like?
What would it look like to forgo all social media for a week?
.
.
.
I'm no tech-savvy blogger, but I spend my fair share of time on these interwebs.
What would be the first thing I do upon waking up, if I didn't check my Facebook feed?
What would I do in my downtime besides scroll through my Google Reader?
What if, instead of collecting Pinterest images that simultaneously make me want to workout and eat cupcakes, I did something creative and unscripted with the materials at hand: re-arranging furniture or doctoring a favorite recipe with ingredients in the pantry?
What if, instead of sharing profoundly condensed tidbits on Instagram and Twitter, I actually took time to open up with someone face-to-face?
What if I were to write down every single thought, profound and profane, and share it with God first, instead of flitting my fingers over this keyboard in excitement?
Why do I feel the need to check my e-mail any time I sit down, even when 95% of the time, it's junk mail?
I'm not saying any of these things are inherently bad. In fact, many of them can be wonderful in small ways. But like so many things in this world of flesh, it doesn't take much to distort them.
I've tried this type of fast with varying motivations and varying success over the past few years. Fortunately, Pinterest, Twitter, and Instagram don't have their claws deep in my life. But Facebook? Even scrolling through my news feed twice a day has become a mundane yet compulsive task. Why, at a time when I'm seeking truly honest, genuine friendships, do I still seek to read the surface thoughts of people I haven't seen in years? (Forgive me, this is not meant to sound callous. I am really bad at keeping in touch, and it's great to have a forum to do so. But I would probably cry if my Facebook Timeline ever decided to show me exactly how many hours of my life I've spend in front of Facebook.)
I'm not "quitting" Facebook or anything else, but wouldn't it be nice to hit "pause?" To care a little less about seeing the latest meme making people chuckle or who's engaged/pregnant/graduating with an advanced degree today?
And the Google Reader. Where do I start? Mine has changed so much over the past three years. Even when I started my own blog, I had no idea that a 'blogosphere' existed. I discovered the wonderful world of blogs one night when I was on-call for night shift, and I never looked back. It's led me to so many wonderful interests and, indeed, friendships. But when it comes down to it, I don't need to know everything about the lives of perfect strangers do I? I love reading funny or inspirational posts. I love seeing creativity blossom in people's lives because I only got a small share when God was passing that out.
But I'd be lying if I said I'd never been jealous of another blogger's life: running a marathon, being pregnant, having best friends and a vibrant social life, even maintaining a somewhat predictable schedule for crying out loud, are all things my heart wants or has wanted. But if I don't learn to be satisfied now, I never will be. And haven't I learned by now that things are never what they appear to be? Everybody hurts, right?
I'm looking for the dust to settle in my life, but I'm struggling. And these words stare back at me when I look in the mirror every day:
“Even now,” declares the Lord, (that 'even' gets me every time)
“return to me with your whole heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning.”
I've been avoiding this fast. The very fast I need to open my heart. I love words (obvs). But these words... these infinite words on the internet. In my head. Clouding my thoughts. Making me anxious. They need to stop. I have some big decisions to make this week and I need to create time and space to listen for God's will. In the stillness God speaks.
Please e-mail, call, or text me this week! I would love to meet up with you face-to-face. You'll just have to update me the old-fashioned way the next time we hang out.
.
.
.
I'm no tech-savvy blogger, but I spend my fair share of time on these interwebs.
What would be the first thing I do upon waking up, if I didn't check my Facebook feed?
What would I do in my downtime besides scroll through my Google Reader?
What if, instead of collecting Pinterest images that simultaneously make me want to workout and eat cupcakes, I did something creative and unscripted with the materials at hand: re-arranging furniture or doctoring a favorite recipe with ingredients in the pantry?
What if, instead of sharing profoundly condensed tidbits on Instagram and Twitter, I actually took time to open up with someone face-to-face?
What if I were to write down every single thought, profound and profane, and share it with God first, instead of flitting my fingers over this keyboard in excitement?
Why do I feel the need to check my e-mail any time I sit down, even when 95% of the time, it's junk mail?
I'm not saying any of these things are inherently bad. In fact, many of them can be wonderful in small ways. But like so many things in this world of flesh, it doesn't take much to distort them.
I've tried this type of fast with varying motivations and varying success over the past few years. Fortunately, Pinterest, Twitter, and Instagram don't have their claws deep in my life. But Facebook? Even scrolling through my news feed twice a day has become a mundane yet compulsive task. Why, at a time when I'm seeking truly honest, genuine friendships, do I still seek to read the surface thoughts of people I haven't seen in years? (Forgive me, this is not meant to sound callous. I am really bad at keeping in touch, and it's great to have a forum to do so. But I would probably cry if my Facebook Timeline ever decided to show me exactly how many hours of my life I've spend in front of Facebook.)
I'm not "quitting" Facebook or anything else, but wouldn't it be nice to hit "pause?" To care a little less about seeing the latest meme making people chuckle or who's engaged/pregnant/graduating with an advanced degree today?
And the Google Reader. Where do I start? Mine has changed so much over the past three years. Even when I started my own blog, I had no idea that a 'blogosphere' existed. I discovered the wonderful world of blogs one night when I was on-call for night shift, and I never looked back. It's led me to so many wonderful interests and, indeed, friendships. But when it comes down to it, I don't need to know everything about the lives of perfect strangers do I? I love reading funny or inspirational posts. I love seeing creativity blossom in people's lives because I only got a small share when God was passing that out.
But I'd be lying if I said I'd never been jealous of another blogger's life: running a marathon, being pregnant, having best friends and a vibrant social life, even maintaining a somewhat predictable schedule for crying out loud, are all things my heart wants or has wanted. But if I don't learn to be satisfied now, I never will be. And haven't I learned by now that things are never what they appear to be? Everybody hurts, right?
I'm looking for the dust to settle in my life, but I'm struggling. And these words stare back at me when I look in the mirror every day:
“Even now,” declares the Lord, (that 'even' gets me every time)
“return to me with your whole heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning.”
Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the Lord your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love.
and not your garments.
Return to the Lord your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love.
{Joel 2:12-13}
I've been avoiding this fast. The very fast I need to open my heart. I love words (obvs). But these words... these infinite words on the internet. In my head. Clouding my thoughts. Making me anxious. They need to stop. I have some big decisions to make this week and I need to create time and space to listen for God's will. In the stillness God speaks.
The Lord said to Elijah, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. {1 Kings 19:11-12}Are you listening?
Please e-mail, call, or text me this week! I would love to meet up with you face-to-face. You'll just have to update me the old-fashioned way the next time we hang out.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Crammed
I feel like a weight has been lifted. I wish it was from my chest, but it's off my shoulders at least. After 4 days of steroids, I'm still hacking away at the slightest provocation of breathlessness and I'm desperate. I do love steroids sometimes, but I'd prefer to only need them once every few years. This is the third round in the last 9 months. Something's gotta give before my bones do (nothing like getting diagnosed with osteopenia at the age of 22 to make you feel old).
1. The first to go is farm work. I probably shouldn't have blogged about Urbavore immediately after getting home when I was tired, cranky, cold, and oh-so-sore. After a hot shower and a round with the neti-pot, I was left with yes, aching muscles and wheezing, but also the immense satisfaction of a job well done. Few things can be more fundamental and important as growing your own food and knowing exactly how it got to your plate. I feel very passionately about that. But 15 hours a week on top of my full-time job is a bit ambitious even without asthma in the mix.
There is 100% chance of soaking, revitalizing, but yes cold rain today and the high temps are only supposed to hit the low 40s. I do feel
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| image from google search |
2. The second thing to go, temporarily, is gluten. Homeopathic remedies seem to be hit-or-miss, but I'm desperate and there are a good number of people who swear that a gluten-free diet reduces inflammation. As much as I love baking and eating the fruits of the breadbasket of America, I need to give gluten-free another shot. My month of clean eating in February ended after two weeks because, let's be honest, it was a lot of work and it was also inconvenient/embarrassing in social situations. (I know, there are more important things, but really. We live in a society built around convenience.)
While my stomach never really felt better, my asthma did drastically improve during those two weeks. I'm not sure if it was the lack of gluten or lack of dairy (both of which have been blamed as inflammatory culprits), so I'm going to rule one out at a time. Gluten is the first to go simply because I just stocked up on Greek yogurt (protein and calcium intake are important to maintain while on Prednisone).
This doesn't mean buying fancy gluten-free cupcakes and processed food right now. The point is to veer more toward whole food: brown rice, quinoa, and millet are all easy to make in advance and eat throughout the week. (Easy for me to say now, but in a few hours I'll be eyeing those Almond Joy Cookie Bars in the freezer and wondering if I could make a gluten-free version with oat flour instead of wheat flour!)
3. My running game was finally improving again last week. I was up to being comfortable with 3.5 miles of a run 9 minute/walk 1 minute pattern. Of course now the thought of running just makes me want to cough and wheeze. I was too sore from farm work last Tuesday and Wednesday and obviously haven't been breathing well enough to run since then. I'm going to continue to take time off until this weekend and re-evaluate. Typical of my over-compensation, I am signed up to run a 5.3 mile leg of the Brew to Brew run with co-workers on April 3. Yikes!
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| Photo from BrewtoBrew.com |
-Getting involved in a new church that's actually conducive to new member involvement (any recommendations in the Kansas City area?)
-Counseling (embarrassing to admit, but long overdue with my history of depression and anxiety).
-The Word of God. No self-help book could ever replace His love story.
-Quality time with Ross. When BOTH of us pulled long days every day for the last week, things got grouchy fast. We are so fortunate to be able to have some leisure time in our lives and we would prefer to spend some of it together instead of alone in the apartment at different times on different days.
-Foods that please my body and not just my tastebuds- though I always aim to please both!
-Dry brushing. I mentioned it last time, and I've kept up with it sporadically, but it's strangely soothing. I can see how it centers autistic kids when they get anxious. Try it!
In the spirit of starting off on the right foot, I had some liquid sunshine with my breakfast to brighten up this dreary day. A carrot, beet, orange, and coconut smoothie.
*Disclaimer: I am a Registered Nurse, not a Registered Dietician. At work we deal with calorie and protein ratios in milk, not big-kid food. What works in my life and eating style may not work for you. But please, give me feedback on my recipes and feel free to share your own!
Liquid Sunshine serves 1 hungry girl
(you will need a food-processor or high-powered blender with these ingredients)
2-3 small steamed, peeled beets (I used pre-steamed organic beets from Hy-Vee-- don't confuse these with canned or pickled beets!)
1 orange
1 organic carrot, chopped into 1/2-inch chunks
1/2 cup coconut milk (using unsweetened SO Delicious has been cheaper than buying cans of coconut milk and it has a very mild, creamy taste that's not overwhelming)
1/4 cup unsweetened Greek yogurt (or just add another 1/4 cup of another liquid-- OJ, milk, coconut water, etc.)
3-4 ice cubes
Add ingredients to food processor or blender and blend until smooth. This may take several minutes depending on how powerful the motor is.
Pour into a tall glass and garnish with shredded coconut or chopped almonds if desired, and smile: Today will be beautiful!
(Please don't think me a hypocrite. I know that after getting on my soapbox about local food, I made a smoothie from non-local ingredients. While I'd love to get to the point where 90% of what we eat is grown within 50-100 miles, it's not practical right now mostly due to extremely limited pantry and freezer space and the fact that the local climate doesn't grow fresh fruits and vegetables year-round. Probably my biggest disappointment over not being an Urbavore intern is that I will miss out on the FREE education about preserving local food so it can sustain you even through the winter. These farmers don't just talk the talk!)
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Quiet Reflections
The quiet snow was great for reflection yesterday. I have a classmate whose dad died Sunday out of the blue. She's engaged and her dad will never walk her down the aisle. My heart breaks for her.
Bad things happen to good people, and sometimes it terrifies me to think that the more you have, the more you have to lose.
I know I am so, so blessed. And sometimes that scares me.
We simply cannot know when we will go. Or, even worse, when a loved one will.
Have you said "I love you" today?
Bad things happen to good people, and sometimes it terrifies me to think that the more you have, the more you have to lose.
I know I am so, so blessed. And sometimes that scares me.
We simply cannot know when we will go. Or, even worse, when a loved one will.
Have you said "I love you" today?
Friday, October 15, 2010
One year already!
Ross and I are in Chicago and I didn't bring my laptop, but I had to stop by because I noticed the date when I was leaving the El station this evening. It's October 15. That means that tomorrow will mark one year since we packed our entire apartment into a tiny U-Haul. Ross pulled it all behind him in the truck and I left a few hours after him to made the tearful 8 hour drive to our new home.
And yes, despite the roller-coaster year we've had, and given the fact that I have been constantly on the go for the last 4 weeks, it's safe to say that KC is definitely home right now. You can expect a long-winded post reflecting on everything when I get back. For now, I need to get to bed so I can enjoy my last full day in the Windy City!
And yes, despite the roller-coaster year we've had, and given the fact that I have been constantly on the go for the last 4 weeks, it's safe to say that KC is definitely home right now. You can expect a long-winded post reflecting on everything when I get back. For now, I need to get to bed so I can enjoy my last full day in the Windy City!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Inspiration Board
Growing up, August always meant back-to-school shopping and browsing through catalogs at all the knit sweaters, plaid skirts, and warm tights. Every school year was a clean slate. Well, we're already into September (how did that happen?!) but I still think fall is a chance to start fresh.
Even though I'm no longer in school, I really needed to do something about my mindset. You see, I love fall. But fall means winter is coming. I do love parts of winter: the silence of the first snow, cozy sweaters, lots of hot chocolate and hot tea, sitting in front of the fireplace at my parent's house... but it all gets old after a month or so. I'm dreading going out to my car in the sub-freezing temperatures to go to work. I'm dreading hiking to my car in the dark after a long day and having to scrape the windshields. My little car doesn't handle icy roads well, and neither do I. Come January, I'm ready for SUNSHINE and WARMTH.
Inspired by another blogger, I decided to make an inspiration board of things to work towards in the next 6 months. You see, it's only September. I'm getting too far ahead of myself. And I have a lot to look forward to this winter. Like Gina said, "Fall is the perfect time of year to re-evaluate your goals and see where your priorities lie before the year ends."
Here's a look back at my 2010 Resolutions:
1) Pray daily with Ross again
FAIL. But there's no time like the present to renew a resolution.
2) Find a church
I think we've decided on Redeemer Fellowship. Now we just need to become regular attendees. It's taken me a long time to realize we will not find a carbon copy of our Ft. Worth church in the middle of Kansas, as ideal as that would have been.
3) Stick to a budget and use cash for most day-to-day purchases
Most months, this is a success. Traveling a lot (and using 2 days of PTO) messed this up a bit in July and August, but for the most part we're doing well and even putting money into savings every month.
4) Make friends in my new city
This is taking so much longer than I'd hoped, but I'm finally starting to get out more.
5) Do yoga once (or more) a week while training for the Cowtown Marathon in February 2011
Yoga is not financially viable year-round right now, but I have been consistently training for a 10k this month, a 1/2 marathon in November, and the marathon in February. Come November, I'm excited to work Bikram Yoga into my training schedule again.
6) Eat at least one serving of fruits or vegetables at every meal
This has definitely improved in the past year, thanks in part to healthy living blogs I've started reading. It's good to see other active young women with a balanced mindset toward food. Also, the CSA has been a great source of local vegetables and new flavors. This summer I started to aim for 5+ servings of produce a day, but even on my lazy/low-grocery days, 3 servings is pretty standard.
7) Laugh more
I'm starting to smile more (some days it's fake it 'til you make it) and I'd like to think I'm more pleasant on a day-to-day basis, although I've noticed that my mood can be directly related to how tired I am.
8) Read more
I'm ashamed to admit that I read the Twilight series in 5 days this spring and I read all 16 books of the Stephanie Plum Series
this summer. It takes me no time flat to read guilty-pleasure books. Now I've moved on to The Autobiography of Saint Therese of Lisieux: The Story of a Soul
(the saint I was named after) and The Happiness Project
(which was actually written by a Kansas City native).
9) Cook more
Given the fact that I've posted enough recipes here to justify a recipe page, I think it's safe to say I'm cooking more!
10) Play more
Still a work in progress. I need to spend less time on the computer and more time enjoying the sunshine while it's still here.
Here's what I want to/plan to do in the next six months (that's from the beginning of September through the end of February):
1) Run a 10k, half marathon, and marathon (in case I haven't said that enough)!
2) Buy a 3 month Bikram pass this November and go at least once a week.
3) Cross-train/lift weights twice a week.
4) Continue to eat as locally as I can, even as the CSA dwindles and I rely more on frozen organic veggies and less on fresh produce. (This includes the more specific goal of taking Ross to Nebraska City this fall to pick apples, stock up on apple butter and homemade jam, and enjoying the local, seasonal bounty and the essence of being outdoors in the fall.)
5) Spend more time thanking God for the life he has given me, and loving God as much as my little heart is capable of.
6) Spend less time on the computer, get outside more, and sleep better.
7) Start saving more money for a new car (hopefully it lasts more than 6 more months, but it's time to start saving more in anticipation).
8) Attain my RNC certification. I'm taking a 3-day study course in October and plan to take the computerized test before December 15 (the day I graduated from nursing school in 2007).
I have a few other exciting goals for the next 2 years, but those are for another inspiration board another day!
If you read this far, thank you. I'd love to hear YOUR goals for the next 6 months as well! To quote Gina again, "Things don’t happen by accident- they’re always the result of hard work and the most meaningful goals are the ones that are not-so-easy to attain."
Even though I'm no longer in school, I really needed to do something about my mindset. You see, I love fall. But fall means winter is coming. I do love parts of winter: the silence of the first snow, cozy sweaters, lots of hot chocolate and hot tea, sitting in front of the fireplace at my parent's house... but it all gets old after a month or so. I'm dreading going out to my car in the sub-freezing temperatures to go to work. I'm dreading hiking to my car in the dark after a long day and having to scrape the windshields. My little car doesn't handle icy roads well, and neither do I. Come January, I'm ready for SUNSHINE and WARMTH.
Inspired by another blogger, I decided to make an inspiration board of things to work towards in the next 6 months. You see, it's only September. I'm getting too far ahead of myself. And I have a lot to look forward to this winter. Like Gina said, "Fall is the perfect time of year to re-evaluate your goals and see where your priorities lie before the year ends."
Here's a look back at my 2010 Resolutions:
1) Pray daily with Ross again
FAIL. But there's no time like the present to renew a resolution.
2) Find a church
I think we've decided on Redeemer Fellowship. Now we just need to become regular attendees. It's taken me a long time to realize we will not find a carbon copy of our Ft. Worth church in the middle of Kansas, as ideal as that would have been.
3) Stick to a budget and use cash for most day-to-day purchases
Most months, this is a success. Traveling a lot (and using 2 days of PTO) messed this up a bit in July and August, but for the most part we're doing well and even putting money into savings every month.
4) Make friends in my new city
This is taking so much longer than I'd hoped, but I'm finally starting to get out more.
5) Do yoga once (or more) a week while training for the Cowtown Marathon in February 2011
Yoga is not financially viable year-round right now, but I have been consistently training for a 10k this month, a 1/2 marathon in November, and the marathon in February. Come November, I'm excited to work Bikram Yoga into my training schedule again.
6) Eat at least one serving of fruits or vegetables at every meal
This has definitely improved in the past year, thanks in part to healthy living blogs I've started reading. It's good to see other active young women with a balanced mindset toward food. Also, the CSA has been a great source of local vegetables and new flavors. This summer I started to aim for 5+ servings of produce a day, but even on my lazy/low-grocery days, 3 servings is pretty standard.
7) Laugh more
I'm starting to smile more (some days it's fake it 'til you make it) and I'd like to think I'm more pleasant on a day-to-day basis, although I've noticed that my mood can be directly related to how tired I am.
8) Read more
I'm ashamed to admit that I read the Twilight series in 5 days this spring and I read all 16 books of the Stephanie Plum Series
this summer. It takes me no time flat to read guilty-pleasure books. Now I've moved on to The Autobiography of Saint Therese of Lisieux: The Story of a Soul (the saint I was named after) and The Happiness Project (which was actually written by a Kansas City native).9) Cook more
Given the fact that I've posted enough recipes here to justify a recipe page, I think it's safe to say I'm cooking more!
10) Play more
Still a work in progress. I need to spend less time on the computer and more time enjoying the sunshine while it's still here.
Here's what I want to/plan to do in the next six months (that's from the beginning of September through the end of February):
1) Run a 10k, half marathon, and marathon (in case I haven't said that enough)!
2) Buy a 3 month Bikram pass this November and go at least once a week.
3) Cross-train/lift weights twice a week.
4) Continue to eat as locally as I can, even as the CSA dwindles and I rely more on frozen organic veggies and less on fresh produce. (This includes the more specific goal of taking Ross to Nebraska City this fall to pick apples, stock up on apple butter and homemade jam, and enjoying the local, seasonal bounty and the essence of being outdoors in the fall.)
5) Spend more time thanking God for the life he has given me, and loving God as much as my little heart is capable of.
6) Spend less time on the computer, get outside more, and sleep better.
7) Start saving more money for a new car (hopefully it lasts more than 6 more months, but it's time to start saving more in anticipation).
8) Attain my RNC certification. I'm taking a 3-day study course in October and plan to take the computerized test before December 15 (the day I graduated from nursing school in 2007).
I have a few other exciting goals for the next 2 years, but those are for another inspiration board another day!
If you read this far, thank you. I'd love to hear YOUR goals for the next 6 months as well! To quote Gina again, "Things don’t happen by accident- they’re always the result of hard work and the most meaningful goals are the ones that are not-so-easy to attain."
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