When the Weather Changes but Your Season Doesn't

For as long as I can remember, summer has been my favorite season. It's when I recharge, fill my bucket, and remember everything I love about life. I live for hot days, farmers markets, long morning walks, and late sunsets. But I don't know... this summer, I never got into the groove.

Usually, the end of summer finds me feeling nostalgic and overflowing with gratitude for how I grew and how life changed over the months that span between Memorial Day and Labor Day. Yet this year's Labor Day came and went a week ago, and I can't muster up any sort of comprehensive feeling about this summer. It just kind of happened, and that is all. But what's even more alarming is that, if I'm perfectly honest, I was pretty over summer by early July. I don't know if I was tired of the weather, or the season of newly-mobile-baby, or sleepless nights, or what. It all probably blends together, honestly.

The thing is, the life season I'm in isn't bad. It's not overly heavy or traumatic or anything like that. But when I think a little more, there are a lot of external factors that have created a cumulative sort of chaos. Some of the stories aren't mine to share. Some of it is just work stress from Ross' promotion and my own unit being short-staffed. And some factors are simply a product of living with two little people.

This past spring, I really found comfort in the idea that you don't have to be blooming to be growing; yet, even that has led to some guilt. I know I'm not putting disciplines and practices in place to deepen my roots-- instead, I'm just making it from one day to the next, putting off the hard work until "tomorrow." And here I am, one hundred "tomorrows" later, feeling like I didn't put any work in to change my season.

But do you know what's astounding to me? In the past few weeks, God has poured kindness upon me in a million little ways I wasn't expecting. I feel really undeserving.

If you catch me in a moment, I'm probably going to give you two dozen reasons why my life feels out of control today (sorry friends). But honestly, while those reasons are giving me total monkey brain, they aren't weighing me down like they could. I'm really grateful for that. God seems to be reminding me that it's his work and not mine that will make the difference, and I feel... okay about that.

A few weeks ago, we finished up summer travel. Ross didn't have a work trip for a while, and Noah was about to start preschool again. So we decided it was time to night wean Rosie. Sometimes she was waking up 1-2 times a night, but other times she'd be up at 11pm, 2am, and 5am and that's just too much at 12 months. So we night weaned and really after the first night, she did so well with it! She slept from 7:30pm-5am a few times, and I felt like I could take on the world.

I was making big plans: routines, exercise, maybe starting a podcast. But mostly I was more than ready to be a happier, more well-rested person. But you know, then she went back to waking up 1-2 times a night. I don't know why. And I had two weird little health crises (I'm mostly fine now). And Ross was out of town this past weekend. And today I'm feeling just as tired as I was a month ago, and more than a little discouraged. I realized I was expecting my life season to change along with the weather and the calendar. And when it didn't, I felt a little gypped.

But yesterday made me look back on the past 3-5 weeks with new eyes, and I can see a whole lot of kindness that has been bestowed upon me in spite of my disappointment and inaction. I'm going to a women's conference next month, and last night they shared this verse: "He who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold I am making all things new.' Also he said, 'write this down for these words are trustworthy and true.'" Revelation 21:5.

It's the second time in the past month that this promise for all things new has been pressed upon me. And it reminds me that HE is making all things new. It also reminds ME to write these things down so I don't forget sweet little ordinary (and not-so-ordinary) gifts from God.

... Noah's first week of school was astonishingly awful. School itself was fine the two days he was there. Home was a disaster, and it brought out what was possibly my very worst mothering week ever. It's funny, Jen Wilkin says, "the heart can't love what the mind doesn't know," and I've been beating myself up over this. I need to be reading my Bible daily. But you know what? Unbidden one morning (one of those long mornings in which so much chaos happened before 8am, I really should write it down so I can laugh about it years from now) a line from a hymn popped into my head: "I asked the Lord that I might grow, in faith and love and every grace." I couldn't remember the rest of the song, but looking it up brought me to tears and I listened to it on repeat for days. "'Tis in this way,' the Lord replied, 'I answer prayers for grace and faith.'"

... I've been wanting a mentor for YEARS. Six years, to be exact. I've had 3-4 tried-but-failed attempts at this, and honestly over the past year I'd kind of given up. Then you know what happened? A whole lot of stuff I don't know details of or have control over. We had a sudden change in MOPS leadership and I was telling the new coordinator about my hopes for the mentor mom who would be at my table. As I was ending our conversations, I said, "It's funny, I've been praying for a mentor for years, and for some reason God seems to be thwarting that plan." And a few days later, who but my new coordinator, one life season ahead of me and bursting with a love for discipleship, reached out to ME saying, "I can't stop thinking about what you said, and I want to be your mentor!" Really, God? Just like that? And then for good measure, our group shifted again and I ended up with a new mentor mom at my table and her church members just rave about her spiritual leadership skills. Okay, God, I'm paying attention.

... Our neighbor has borrowed our lawn mower a few times this summer. He borrowed it again on Saturday and, when he heard Ross was out of town, he went ahead and mowed our front lawn without saying anything. What a thoughtful little act of service, especially since Ross and I have been arguing about lawn care recently. (Because wouldn't you know, taking care of your yard costs time and money!)

... Last Wednesday, I was determined to start taking better care of myself. The kids were bumping around in my bedroom, but they were playing nicely together and no one was crying. So I sat on the couch and ate my breakfast in peace for 10-15 minutes. The oatmeal was still warm, and I didn't have to get up once. It was glorious and I felt re-charged. I got up to check on Noah and Rosie, and I couldn't even believe my eyes. They'd emptied the bottom rack of my closet, and the entire dresser, AND MY FILE CABINET and dumped it all on the side of the bed. The pile literally went from the bed to the wall and was as high as the mattress. Fifteen minutes of destruction that would require hours of repair. My attitude went south REALLY quickly, and never recovered that day.

Which is funny, because mid-morning, a friend texted me about the book she's reading called Desperate: Hope for the Mom who Needs to Breathe. She said, "Reading this book and thinking of you, because maybe it can be our next mom's book club pick. It is speaking to my heart! Just wanted to say you are so encouraging! I know your life is so crazy (and has been for a long time!) but I am really inspired by how you love your kids and even reach out to other women for the book club and breastfeeding and everything you do. I just see the Lord using you and refining you in this hard season in a way that only He could do, using your unique gifts and strengths. You are an amazing mom for your kids, and I'm so thankful to share life with you!" Well, that made me tear up and it gave me some new perspective.

... But then out of the blue, that same night, I started having crazy back spasms. Some sort of referred pain, not a muscle spasm (Flexeril, heating pad, and Advil did nothing). It was CRAZY. On par with labor in terms of pain, and even in terms of characteristics because I was having these spasms every few minutes, to the point of tears. The next day, I texted my friend back. I was still in pain, but it wasn't nearly as bad. Ross was leaving town the next morning, I needed to find childcare so I could get an abdominal ultrasound the next day, and all of this was going to cost MORE MONEY. I was frustrated because I try so hard to take care of my body and it still malfunctions often. I was having a pity party because I was going to be parenting alone and in pain all weekend. And despite all that, my sweet friend STILL invited the kids and me to dinner that weekend. We went over there on Saturday, and it was total chaos with Rosie opening cabinets and climbing stairs. Noah didn't fall asleep until 11pm after all the excitement, and I'd only slept for one hour the night before. But you know what? It filled me up to chat with my friend, and I was so grateful for her presence, and I slept great that night.

... Speaking of money and bodies that don't work, I lost two hearing aids this summer. One of mine and one of Noah's. With the new technology, they recommend buying two new ones since the aids "communicate" with each other. Which means 4 new pieces of medical equipment that insurance doesn't pay a dime for. But. Remember when Rosie was in the hospital last winter? And then when she went to the ER this spring? The ER visit cost $8,000 and it was a horrible experience. $8,000 for Benadryl, Advil, and a Nurse Practitioner visit? Just... no.

So I applied for financial aid, and we qualified. Which meant that we didn't have to pay for her inpatient stay, or for her ER visit, OR for any care that she received at that hospital through the end of the year. This was phenomenal news! It meant we could actually get her hearing tested at a one-year visit (this was recommended because of family history, but I was dreading it because our insurance doesn't cover it). It meant I could have our pediatrician order her one-year labs and allergy tests at the hospital, too. I'll happily drive across town for free lab work. It also MAYBE means that Noah's hearing test will be covered, as well as his hearing aids, since it all falls in this financial aid window. WHAT. We aren't positive that this is true, but I'm making all the phone calls. If it doesn't cover the aids themselves, I also applied for a grant that will cover 60%, which is better than nothing. Meanwhile, I'm going on 3.5 months with only one hearing aid and it's driving me crazy. I hate making medical decisions based on money. But I'm so grateful my kids have been covered.

... And then you know what was re-iterated three times at church yesterday? My transient troubles, and the power of God.

"Then will the eyes of the blind be opened, the ears of the deaf be cleared" (from Isaiah 35)

"The Lord gives sight to the blind" (from Psalm 146)

"And people brought to Jesus a deaf man who had a speech impediment, and begged him to lay hands on him... He put his finger into the man's ears... He looked up to heaven and groaned, and said to him, 'be opened!' And immediately the man's ears were opened." (from Mark 7)

Do I think God will give me perfect hearing tomorrow? I wouldn't hate it if he did! But I also know that he made me this way for a reason. He will provide for me, even if it's not as direct as free hearing aids. And the more important thing is that my ears are tuned to His voice.

... This this brings me to church yesterday. It was a sweet, sweet day, and it deserves its own post. Walking home yesterday afternoon, I was so tired but so full.

I'm writing it down. God is good. I feel seen and loved and undeserving and happy and really, really tired.

Year in Review

A friend recently asked me what the best and worst moments of 2013 were, and as I thought back it was truly hard to believe the incredible amount of change that has occurred in the past 365 days.

Here's a really brief summary of my year:

8... months of accutane

5... years of marriage

5... countries visited (US, Canada, Haiti, Slovenia, Croatia. My first real mission trip and my first trip to Europe in the same year! I never would've seen that coming.)

4... distinct seasons of life conveniently marked by the seasons of the year (a dark winter, a testing spring, a leap of faith and lessons in rest and trust this summer, and relief and abundance this fall)

3... number of new jobs I've had in the past year 

3... number of oceans I visited! (Pacific, Atlantic, and Adriatic Sea. Amazing.)

2... Gospel Communities

2... times we drove to DFW, effectively doubling the number of times we've visited since moving 4 years ago. Miss that place!

1... blog redesign. Click over to check it out! (Credit to Jessi from Naptime Diaries for working so patiently with me.)

1... graduate school class. Yikes. (Halfway done, but in a holding pattern right now.)

1.... precious baby on its way!


Here's another summary via my Instagram pictures!  To avoid confusion, keep in mind the video starts with this December and moves backward, ending last January. Whew! What a year.

Discerning God's Will

Emily Freeman reminded me last weekend, "sometimes you have to say 'yes' to the wrong thing to know you should have said 'no.'" I feel like that's the story of my life. I'm so tired of making the wrong decision. In the last year, I've mad a lot of them. Sometimes they're framed in the light of a 'greater good,' yet they still met the ends I desired, as part of my 'master plan.' I said yes to the things that don't matter and no to the things that do.

In hindsight, this sounds just ridiculous. But I was building my kingdom and it was imperative that the bricks were placed just so. Yet the foundation? It was rotting from the inside out. When things fell apart, I saw that everything I'd been doing and working toward was in vain. Temporary. Bitterly fleeting.

For a brief time, I was able to live in the freedom of close communion with God. Then slowly but surely, my heart started to harden again. Priorities shifted, plans changed, life happened.

Today I repent that I've let busy-ness get in the way again. In enjoying a renewed friendship with my husband, I've developed a false sense of complacency and faltered in my attempts to purse friendship with others. I've let my goals sneak higher and higher in my list of priorities to the extent that I lost sight of the present. I didn't think I was holding that tightly to my plans again, until a new opportunity challenged me to feel the weight of them. I repent of trying to do things out of my own strength and trying to make decisions out of my own wisdom.

I look down and see my white-knuckled grip, and I'm embarrassed.

Last week, I turned to journaling, I turned to desperate prayers to God, I turned to my Bible, I turned to conversations with my husband for discernment, and then I turned inward. Deeper and deeper. Like I was watching from the outside as my husband tried to communicate with me and I didn't respond. I saw myself being the person I didn't want to be, but I couldn't silence the conflicting voices in my head. They exhausted me, they kept me from sleeping, and Friday night, they even took away my appetite. (That's when you really know something's wrong with me)!

While I was looking in the right places, I was still trying to apply Godly wisdom to my earthly framework. So Sunday at church, I did what I was always too afraid to do, and I went up to one of the pastors to ask for advice. Of course, he didn't have a concrete answer. It wouldn't be right if he did. But he did give me some great resources and an awesome analogy borrowed from Tim Keller that's too good not to share.

In a nutshell, the three elements of a call are: ability, affinity, and opportunity. Ability is endowed by God as well as life experience through which your skills have been or can be developed. Affinity means you have to want to do this thing. You are acutely aware of a human need and you have a desire to fill that need. This desire shouldn't rise out of immature motives, such as a pay increase you don't really need, a desire for glory, or even a need to be needed. (I definitely struggle here. Are my desires the right desires?) Finally, you must have an opportunity to do this job.

Keller notes that when ability, affinity, and opportunity are all present and pointing in the same direction, a person can discern God's call.

Like so.

(source)

When I think about my life, I can see that ability and affinity without opportunity leads me to rush God's timing as I try to force an outcome that I want. This often ends up with me taking an even longer way around to the original destination (or, you know, a one-way ticket to an entirely different destination than the one I thought I wanted).

Ability and opportunity without affinity can feed selfish desires but leads to burnout really quickly. These opportunities are the ones I'm most likely to say yes to and then regret. I think, "well, this presented itself to me, so it must be a sign that I should take it." Ummm no. Case in point: grad school. Untold benefits and a great number of lessons learned, but man those classes are like pulling teeth. My middle brother just started law school and he freaking loves it. Why don't I feel that joy?! I think to an extent, it's okay to do something you don't necessarily love if it leads to an end result that you do feel affinity toward, but I'm not sure what I'm getting this degree for at this point. I digress. Basically, when I'm facing a decision involving ability and opportunity without affinity, I need to remember: just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

(source)

Finally, affinity and opportunity without ability is going to be endlessly frustrating. For example, I would love to run a marathon. I really love running, it's easy enough to sign up for a race, but my body just cannot handle that mileage. I've tried three times, and every time my body just breaks down halfway thorugh the training cycle.

Emily and me after a half marathon (2 years ago already?!)

In the face of a lot of opportunities, I'm praying for affinity for something... anything... right now.

Humbled

If I were to sum up this season in my life in one word, it would be this:

Humbling.

humblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumblinghumbling

Ross and I capped off our wedding anniversary week by attending a powerful marriage conference at church this weekend. I can't think of a better way to celebrate. I have much to say about it, but for now I will simply say that it was outstanding. This conference came at a perfect time. The sheer redemption of this summer has already faded into the rushed busy-ness of our lives right now, and petty arguments are cropping up as we both turn inward again.

I'm SO thankful that we were able to go and focus on the condition of our hearts.

Backtracking to Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, I had the opportunity to go to a 3-day conference in town. I'm now a Certified Breastfeeding Educator. I also got a great thesis idea that I'm currently discussing with my advisor.

So a busy productive week combined with a full weekend off to talk about all things marriage with Ross, and I was happy as a clam. There wasn't a cloud in the sky and the first day of fall was being ushered in with perfect mid-60 temperatures. Makes me miss running, but that's another story. I have 2 papers due this week, but they're much more manageable than last week's literature review (not sure why those overwhelm me so much).

When we got home from the marriage conference, I was feeling pretty good about the weekend. Calm for once. Then I checked the messages on my phone. Apparently I was scheduled to work today. Of course, it looked like I blatantly ignored their calls when really, I was gone all morning and didn't have my phone with me. I felt... ridiculous.

I knew I'd disappointed my co-workers and let them down. In 5 years of nursing and 15 years of being employed in some capacity, I have never been a "no call, no show." I called the manager and talked to her and it was just a major miscommunication and scheduling snafu (don't get me started on the scheduling "methods" in our unit). But still. It kind of ruined my day and my heart felt heavy and guilty.

Then, praise God, the sermon at the 5pm church service tonight could not have been more apropos. I am so grateful. We are always meant to be right where God puts us.

Gratitude

Thanks for the anniversary well-wishes. Lots of people asked how we celebrated, but it was pretty low-key. I had clinicals until 7pm and Ross had class in Lawrence and didn't get home until after 9pm. So Thursday, we headed out to Cafe Gratitude. It has a special place in our heart after this summer, AND I can eat anything off of the dessert menu. Win-win.

Best potatoes ever

Warming ginger drink

The view from our table!

We have much to be grateful for.

Steady my Heart

A week or so ago, my friend Jami wrote a delightful post on her introverted nature. I wanted to shout "Amen!" after every paragraph:

When we get snowed in, I'm thrilled. When things get cancelled, I feel like I just won the lottery. when I'm alone, I feel like I can finally get things sorted out that are running around in my brain.

Being with people all day makes me tired. When I come home from work, sometimes I'm exhausted because I work in the NICU and it can get crazy and my brain has to be "on" for 12 hours straight and my legs hurt from standing all day. But usually I'm just tired because I had to talk to people all day. Sad but true.

Right now, I have too much solitude on my days off. I'm shocked that I'm starting to hate it. I LOVE downtime, but when it's just me, myself, and I, things can get stale. I waste a little too much time. I think about myself a little bit too much. I write rambling, self-centered blog posts and resort to emoticons to illustrate the rueful expression on my face :o)

The thing about Jami's post is that while she's undeniably a self-described hermit, she's really funny. And fun to be around in large groups. In contrast, every single day in the last week I've had an encounter that reminds me I am a total wallflower. I am so painfully shy, yet I so deeply want to reach out and connect and interact with others at the heart of matters.

I'm discouraged because it feels like every time I try to reach out or enter a conversation, it comes across as awkward or rude and the conversation falters. You know what? It hurts just as much now as it did when I would come home crying from grade school. Yet just like my mom and dad always told me, comparing myself to others won't get my anywhere.

I'm excited that this fall I have no choice but to bust out of my hermitudinal routine. I'm grateful that a change of pace will shake things up, but I'm also really, really terrified. Sitting in a classroom with other people is okay. I'm used to that. However, I'm also in charge of a clinical group for two shifts a week in an unfamiliar hospital, with rotations through unfamiliar units. Of course, I'm not expected to be friends with my students (that would be bad, actually) but I do want them to respect me. Awkward and unsure just don't look good on someone in a professional adult role.

Proverbs 17:22 says, "a cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." I've noticed that when I'm trying too hard to fit in, I resort to gossip or catty remarks. That's not me! I don't want that to become me, either. But the more crushed my spirit becomes in my failed attempt to make friends and fit in, the more awkward I get. And I don't mean awkward in a cute, funny way. I mean awkward in the sense that I can no longer think of anything to say to carry a conversation forward and I look like a dunce.

Alternately, a cheerful heart will radiate outward when I allow myself to stand firm in my confidence in Christ and stop trying to impress others. That confidence, though, is where I waver. Even when my mind knows that God says,

"Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." {Isaiah 41:10}

It's so hard for me to believe this sometimes, because I like to think that I'm in control here. Thankfully, Sarah reminded me today that a cheerful heart is good medicine. That "the best way to heal something inside yourself is to do something outside yourself. Do it with joy. Do it with gratitude."

I'm not saying that I should stop trying to make friends. Clearly, that's worked so well for me the past three years (where's that sarcasm font when you need it?!) I have approximately two friends here, and I need to put effort into maintaining and deepening those relationships. I still need to step outside my comfort zone and attend social events and invite people over. But maybe I need to stop trying in an overly desperate way.

Proverbs 17:24 reminds me, "a discerning person keeps wisdom in view but a fool's eyes wander to the ends of the earth." There's only One Place I need to be looking to for confidence. Ultimately, I don't need affirmation from my peers. When I'm tempted to think that my worth is based upon how others look at me, I need to take a step back to gain perspective and rest in The One who always accepts me, even when I least deserve it. As I grow in confidence of that Good News, I'm hoping and praying that a cheerful heart attracts friends.

Wish it could be easy  

Why is life so messy  

Why is pain a part of us 

There are days I feel like  

Nothing ever goes right  

Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You're here  

You're real 

I know I can trust You
Even when it hurts  

Even when it's hard 

Even when it all just falls apart  

I will run to You  

'Cause I know that You are  

Lover of my soul Healer of my scars 

You steady my heart (x2)

 
I'm not gonna worry  

I know that You got me  

Right inside the palm of your hand  

Each and every moment  

What's good and what gets broken 

Happens just the way that You plan

You are here  

You're real 

I know I can trust You
Even when it hurts  

Even when it's hard 

Even when it all just falls apart  

I will run to You  

'Cause I know that You are  

Lover of my soul Healer of my scars 

You steady my heart (x2)

  

And I will run to You  

And take refuge in Your arms  

And I will sing to You  

'Cause of everything You are
You steady my heart (x2)

Crammed

I feel like a weight has been lifted. I wish it was from my chest, but it's off my shoulders at least.  After 4 days of steroids, I'm still hacking away at the slightest provocation of breathlessness and I'm desperate. I do love steroids sometimes, but I'd prefer to only need them once every few years. This is the third round in the last 9 months. Something's gotta give before my bones do (nothing like getting diagnosed with osteopenia at the age of 22 to make you feel old).


1. The first to go is farm work. I probably shouldn't have blogged about Urbavore immediately after getting home when I was tired, cranky, cold, and oh-so-sore. After a hot shower and a round with the neti-pot, I was left with yes, aching muscles and wheezing, but also the immense satisfaction of a job well done. Few things can be more fundamental and important as growing your own food and knowing exactly how it got to your plate. I feel very passionately about that. But 15 hours a week on top of my full-time job is a bit ambitious even without asthma in the mix.

There is 100% chance of soaking, revitalizing, but yes cold rain today and the high temps are only supposed to hit the low 40s. I do feel a little bit  really guilty and wimpy because the farmers (one of whom is 6 months pregnant) and interns are out in the field working in this weather. I came home from work last night in a panic because a cold and wet Therese is not an animal you want to encounter in the wild, but also because cold = bronchospasms and a day out in this weather would further lower my immunity. I had to tell Brooke. Fortunately, she was very understanding.

image from google search

We're still trying to figure out if my stipulations (avoid straw, hay, debris, mold, and dust) are conducive to actually being helpful on the farm once a week. If so, I'd LOVE to stay involved, even if it means picking pole beans for hours on end beneath the summer sun (mmm... sun). But for now, I'm at home recovering. And no matter what, I will be FULLY supporting the Badseed Farmer's Market and Urbavore Farm Stand all summer- if you're in town, I'd love to take you and introduce you to the people who have poured their lives into such an incredible and worthy endeavor.

2. The second thing to go, temporarily, is gluten. Homeopathic remedies seem to be hit-or-miss, but I'm desperate and there are a good number of people who swear that a gluten-free diet reduces inflammation. As much as I love baking and eating the fruits of the breadbasket of America, I need to give gluten-free another shot. My month of clean eating in February ended after two weeks because, let's be honest, it was a lot of work and it was also inconvenient/embarrassing in social situations. (I know, there are more important things, but really. We live in a society built around convenience.)

While my stomach never really felt better, my asthma did drastically improve during those two weeks. I'm not sure if it was the lack of gluten or lack of dairy (both of which have been blamed as inflammatory culprits), so I'm going to rule one out at a time. Gluten is the first to go simply because I just stocked up on Greek yogurt (protein and calcium intake are important to maintain while on Prednisone).

This doesn't mean buying fancy gluten-free cupcakes and processed food right now. The point is to veer more toward whole food: brown rice, quinoa, and millet are all easy to make in advance and eat throughout the week. (Easy for me to say now, but in a few hours I'll be eyeing those Almond Joy Cookie Bars in the freezer and wondering if I could make a gluten-free version with oat flour instead of wheat flour!)

3. My running game was finally improving again last week. I was up to being comfortable with 3.5 miles of a run 9 minute/walk 1 minute pattern. Of course now the thought of running just makes me want to cough and wheeze. I was too sore from farm work last Tuesday and Wednesday and obviously haven't been breathing well enough to run since then. I'm going to continue to take time off until this weekend and re-evaluate. Typical of my over-compensation, I am signed up to run a 5.3 mile leg of the Brew to Brew run with co-workers on April 3. Yikes!

Photo from BrewtoBrew.com

4. Of course, just taking things away is never a healthy attitude, so I'm making it a focus to ADD more of the important things to my life:

-Getting involved in a new church that's actually conducive to new member involvement (any recommendations in the Kansas City area?)

-Counseling (embarrassing to admit, but long overdue with my history of depression and anxiety).

-The Word of God. No self-help book could ever replace His love story.

-Quality time with Ross. When BOTH of us pulled long days every day for the last week, things got grouchy fast. We are so fortunate to be able to have some leisure time in our lives and we would prefer to spend some of it together instead of alone in the apartment at different times on different days.

-Foods that please my body and not just my tastebuds- though I always aim to please both!

-Dry brushing. I mentioned it last time, and I've kept up with it sporadically, but it's strangely soothing. I can see how it centers autistic kids when they get anxious. Try it!


In the spirit of starting off on the right foot, I had some liquid sunshine with my breakfast to brighten up this dreary day. A carrot, beet, orange, and coconut smoothie.

*Disclaimer: I am a Registered Nurse, not a Registered Dietician. At work we deal with calorie and protein ratios in milk, not big-kid food. What works in my life and eating style may not work for you. But please, give me feedback on my recipes and feel free to share your own!

Liquid Sunshine serves 1 hungry girl
(you will need a food-processor or high-powered blender with these ingredients)

2-3 small steamed, peeled beets (I used pre-steamed organic beets from Hy-Vee-- don't confuse these with canned or pickled beets!)
1 orange
1 organic carrot, chopped into 1/2-inch chunks
1/2 cup coconut milk (using unsweetened SO Delicious has been cheaper than buying cans of coconut milk and it has a very mild, creamy taste that's not overwhelming)
1/4 cup unsweetened Greek yogurt (or just add another 1/4 cup of another liquid-- OJ, milk, coconut water, etc.)
3-4 ice cubes


Add ingredients to food processor or blender and blend until smooth. This may take several minutes depending on how powerful the motor is.

Pour into a tall glass and garnish with shredded coconut or chopped almonds if desired, and smile: Today will be beautiful!

(Please don't think me a hypocrite. I know that after getting on my soapbox about local food, I made a smoothie from non-local ingredients. While I'd love to get to the point where 90% of what we eat is grown within 50-100 miles, it's not practical right now mostly due to extremely limited pantry and freezer space and the fact that the local climate doesn't grow fresh fruits and vegetables year-round. Probably my biggest disappointment over not being an Urbavore intern is that I will miss out on the FREE education about preserving local food so it can sustain you even through the winter. These farmers don't just talk the talk!)

Pecan Pie Muffins

I'm making up for lost blogging time now. I made these muffins a few weeks ago, but studying took precedence over waiting for my ancient laptop to download photos to the blog. I'm proud to say that this is one of the first recipes I can claim as MINE! I took a basic muffin concept, tweaked it a lot and the outcome was shockingly decent. Ross LOVED them. I hope you do, too!

Heavenly with a little butter melted on top

Pecan Pie Muffins

3/4 cup all-purpose flour (or white whole wheat flour)
3/4 cup brown sugar (may be reduced, but it will make the muffin more cake-like and less pie-like if that makes sense)
1 tsp baking powder
1 cup pecans, crushed
1/4 cup unsalted butter
1/3 cup pecan butter (see recipe below)
2 eggs

Preheat oven to 350*F. Mix dry ingredients well in a large bowl. Mix wet ingredients thoroughly in a small bowl. Add wet to dry and stir until just combined. Pour into muffin tins and garnish with a pecan half if desired. Bake 20-25 minutes until knife inserted into the middle comes out clean.

Pecan Butter

So easy to make, I'll never pay $10 for a 6-ounce jar at Whole Foods! Simply take any amount of pecans (I used 1 cup), dump in food processor, and process until smooth. You may have to scrape the sides down occasionally. Save what you don't use for the recipe in a tupperware or glass jar in the refrigerator and try it in place of peanut butter on a sandwich, or on top of a baked sweet potato.

A big thanks to Ross' grandparents-- our pecan suppliers ;-)

edited to add: Find my recipe and some other amazing ones on Sweet as Sugar Cookie's Sweets for a Saturday!

Drip, drip, drip

Look closely... can you see the water droplets falling from the roof?

Whenever the winter snow starts to melt, I think of Laura Ingalls Wilder in The Long Winter (nerd alert!) when she woke up one night so excited to hear ice melting and dripping off the eaves of their cabin. I know spring is a ways off, but today was sunny and the slush and ice are melting and for now, that is enough.

Hello again, sidewalks! Maybe I'll start to choose you over the treadmill one day soon.

I passed!

I can't quite express the relief and joy I felt when, after 2 hours and 175 questions, the secretary at the testing center handed me a slip of paper saying I PASSED the RNC exam! People keep saying, "Congrats, I knew you would!" But there was a minute there, after I'd closed the test and before my paper printed out, when I felt like crying and throwing up and I was just terrified I'd have to tell everyone I didn't pass. Thankfully, that only lasted a moment due to instant grading!

How freaked out do I look in the pre-test picture?!

I am now an RNC-NIC.

Besides the obvious...

 ... here's what else I learned:

-The Cincinnati Children's Heart Hospital's website is a great way to learn the basics of congenital heart disease before learning the details from a textbook.

-Do not take an RNC review by Terese Verklan. It was a huge waste of money and I only passed my exam through my own hard work, reading 75% of the Core Curriculum textbook, and reviewing with a co-worker's notebook from Linda Juretsche's review class.

-Punnett Squares are not nearly as scary as I thought they were.

-I/T ratios and Aboslute Neutrophil Counts are actually really simple equations.

-As always, I love medical terminology. I've added plenty more fun words to my vocabulary! (Just be warned that even if it's a funny word, the definition may not be. Google search at your own risk):

anastomosis
orchipexy
insufflation
epistaxis
syncope
glosspotosis

-I am slowly re-gaining confidence in myself and this is a huge step toward realizing that I can do anything I set my mind to.

Flashcard review the night before the test

 -Finally, I am more convinced than ever that a healthy baby is truly a miracle!

Negative Thought of the Day (turned positive?)

So... the Assessment Center called and said they were already closing for the day due to snow, and would be closed tomorrow as well. So I need to reschedule my test. My first response? "Eff you, snow." (Except, not in PG language).

So I called the hospital and changed my schedule, hoping to force my way to work in the snow tomorrow and take the test Friday instead. Then I called the Assessment Center, and they can't schedule me for this Friday. But they can do Saturday, or else next Friday. Ummm no way in HECK am I waiting another week. I took Saturday morning. And then I e-mailed Brooke from BadSeed and I'm hoping to reschedule my Saturday interview and not be frowned upon. (Wait, what?! I'll explain that one later).

SO. Now I am taking my RNC test SATURDAY instead of tomorrow and I can prolong my terrible self-care and housekeeping habits for another two days. Oh boy. Earlier today, I had picked up sushi and a chick flick to occupy my evening, because studying into the night won't do me any good at this point. When they called and cancelled tomorrow's test, I ate my sushi out of protest. And bought several $1.27 songs on iTunes. Once the sushi digests, I'm going to go running and pound out my frustrations to the soundtrack of Glee and hope to God that cheers me up.

I wanted to come to my blog and rant and rave and ask what else life could possibly throw at me (which is always a dangerous question). It's been a long month. And I'm driving myself crazy and literally making myself sick with a cycle of optimism and pessimism about passing this stupid test.  But when I logged into blogger.com, I had a comment from my earlier post waiting for me:

Therese, I enjoy your blog and appreciate your dedication to your career. Having had both my children go to the NICU upon birth, I know how much your presence and reassurance means to scared parents and sick babies. Thanks for what you do. 

Cue extreme humility. Thank you, Mel, for reminding me why I'm doing this. Even if I somehow don't pass my test Saturday, the big picture is that I have learned A LOT while studying for this test. Some of the things I've learned are already affecting my patient care (and helping me impress/scare med students when I can answer a question that they can't). I needed a reminder.

And, if there's a positive side to prolonging my stress, it's that I can also prolong my studying. I was cramming in a few more subjects this morning with plans to go through my flashcards this afternoon/evening. Now I can take my time today going through the last few sections (dermatology, neurology, genitourinary) today and save the flashcards for a cozy chair at Starbucks on Friday.

For now, I'm going to go clean the kitchen. And go running. And, heck, I might as well watch that chick flick!

Baby Beluga

We got a new car yesterday! It's pretty much the antithesis of my old car. And of Ross' gas-guzzling truck for that matter. Meet Baby Beluga:

Wait, you don't know the Baby Beluga song!? Am I the only one who grew up with Raffi music?

I'm so, so, thankful that my parents gave the old Honda to me for our wedding. It saved me a ton of money and hassle at a time when I was a new grad on night shift, planning a wedding. However, maybe it's rebelling against winter like its owner, but it's seen better days. Ross and I had a rough week with a single car last week, so it was time for something new.

We ended up leasing this car, because we will probably need something bigger in the next 3 years. But oh man, this car has it all:

Working radio!
Anti-lock brakes!
Automatic windows!
Automatic locks!

I'm so excited! For now, back to studying.

Quiet Reflections

The quiet snow was great for reflection yesterday. I have a classmate whose dad died Sunday out of the blue. She's engaged and her dad will never walk her down the aisle. My heart breaks for her.

Bad things happen to good people, and sometimes it terrifies me to think that the more you have, the more you have to lose.

 

I know I am so, so blessed. And sometimes that scares me.

We simply cannot know when we will go. Or, even worse, when a loved one will.

Have you said "I love you" today?

Winter is Here

We finally decorated for Christmas tonight! Pictures to come. The weather finally turned wintery this weekend-- not that I was upset about the mild winter we've had thus far. A balmy 58 degree day on Friday turned into a blustery, snowy, "feels like 0 degrees" by Saturday. We only got a few centimeters of snow, but it was enough to remind us that it's mid-December here in the Midwest!

Fortunately, today (Sunday) was the kind of gloriously brightly sunny day that comes after a snowfall that makes the sub-freezing temperatures seem less extreme.

Plus...

So true. Thank goodness for Christmas and sunshine!

'Tis The Season

I love Advent. It's a celebration of warmth and light in a season of cold and darkness.

This Sunday marked the first Sunday of Advent and the pastor at our new church gave a great sermon on Psalm 42. We always talk about Advent of a time of waiting, but it's more than that. It's hopeful waiting. It's longing. A longing for Jesus to come save us from ourselves. I can certainly identify with this feeling.

All too often, I fall into the "if only" pattern of thinking. Ross calls me out on it a lot:

If only the weather were better...
If only I could manager my time better...
If only I were in better shape...
If only we had more money...
If only you were done with grad school...

The pastor pointed out that the "if only" pattern is futile because it implies that we're placing our hope in something besides God. Will what I'm hoping for really satisfy me?

Catholic that I am, I love communion; thankfully our non-denominational Christian church has it weekly. It's a good reminder of the only true Hope in our lives. Only in Christ are we fully known, fully accepted, and fully forgiven. And thankfully, it's not the amount of faith we have, but the Object of our faith who saves us and helps us endure our brokenness. We just need to take the first step and recognize that our unnamed longings are actually longings for a peace only God can give.

Have you found yourself futilely placing hope in the wrong place this holiday season? C.S. Lewis said, "If I find in myself desires which nothing in this earth can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world." This Advent, I'm taking a good look at my priorities and taking the time to name my longings instead of wandering to the fridge when I feel restless.

Psalm 42
 ¹ As the deer pants for streams of water,
   so my soul pants for you, my God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
   When can I go and meet with God?
³ My tears have been my food
   day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
   “Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember
   as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
   under the protection of the Mighty One^[d]
with shouts of joy and praise
   among the festive throng.

 ⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God.

 ⁶ My soul is downcast within me;
   therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
   the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
⁷ Deep calls to deep
   in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
   have swept over me.

 ⁸ By day the LORD directs his love,
   at night his song is with me—
   a prayer to the God of my life.

 ⁹ I say to God my Rock,
   “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
   oppressed by the enemy?”
¹⁰ My bones suffer mortal agony
   as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
   “Where is your God?”

 ¹¹ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God.

One Week Later

Yes, I ran a half marathon a week ago today. Yes, I'm still stiff and sore. And yes, I've gotten two runs and a yoga class in this week. To some, that may not sound like a lot. Especially since my weekly mileage was a grand total of 4.1 miles. But to me, that's encouraging. With traveling, work, and a legit excuse not to run, I'm so glad I did anyway. It's perfectly acceptable to take a week off after an endurance event. I gave myself every permission to do just that. But I actually started to miss working out. It is my antidepressant, after all.

Before I sign up for my full marathon, I'm committed to getting into better running shape. I'm hoping to eliminate walking breaks, get better at stretching after every run, and doing a little bit of strength work every week. Thanks to all the pictures of me running last weekend, I've noticed that when I get tired, I have a pretty dramatic hip swing (hurting my IT band) and heel strike (cramping my hip flexors and hurting the hamstring tendons in the back of my knees). Stronger accessory muscles will improve my stride, my running efficiency, and eventually my speed!

From late March 2010 to September 26, 2010 I ran 200 miles. From September 26 to November 28, I ran 122 miles. Whew! That's quite an increase. I'm looking forward to working on running economy instead of increased mileage for a while.

I Gobbled, and Now I'm Stuffed

Mom's Kitchen

Grandma's Kitchen

Lots of male cousins

Sweet girl

These ladies taught me how to cook

Thanksgiving Table

Lots of good food

Homemade Bread

Cousins

Comfort

Hilarious

The Girls

Happy Thanksgiving!

In Thanksgiving...

Has it really only been 2 days since the half marathon? I've received an unprecedented number of comments on my Gobbler Grind post regarding the runner needing resuscitation (no clue what I'm talking about? Read the comments on this post and this article). I'm so grateful to be part of a community of people who can spend months training for a race and abandon it all in favor of a fellow runner fighting for more than a PR... fighting for life instead.

Even though I still don't know this man's name, I do know he has plenty of people praying for him and anxiously awaiting any piece of good news regarding his recovery. I can only imagine that this desire is amplified 1000000000-fold in those close to him. Hopefully during the long days and nights in the hospital, it will somehow bring them some warmth this Thanksgiving to know that their loved one has touched the lives of many perfect strangers who headed out on a Sunday morning for a run and came home with a new outlook on life.

Gobbler Grind 1/2 Marathon

It's been almost exactly a year since my friend Emily and I set out on a 2-3 mile run/walk in Omaha. We alternated running 1 minute and walking 1 minute.  Today, we ran our first 1/2 marathon! She got into Kansas City Saturday afternoon and my parents took Emily, Ross and I went out to lunch. Then Ross peer-pressured Emily and me into going to the Upper Crust for dessert, despite the fact that we were stuffed.

Carbo-loading

Emily and I then spent the rest of the afternoon picking up race packets and driving the race course.

Timing chip: time to make history!

This morning we got to the race start, waited in line for the porta-potties, snapped a few photos, and then, without further ado, the race began.

15 minute porta-potty line

Ross and me before the race

with Dad

with Mom

We had great spectators: my mom and dad, Ross, and Emily's mom were all cheering for us out on the course. Ross was a spectator extraordinaire, popping up in random places with his big smile and his purple TCU shirt (Emily and I are both Horned Frog alumni).

Nervous! I like how we each have one earbud in, too.

 

During the first 5k

The weather report kept changing the week before the race, but we ended up having great weather! 50-60 degrees and cloudy, but no rain. The only thing that could've been better was if the wind wasn't blowing at 15-20mph. But most of the time we were between enough tree cover it didn't matter. It did matter, though, between miles 6-8 when we were running uphill into a headwind.

Emily looking good after mile 6, when the uphills and headwind began

Happy to see Ross at the halfway point!

I took Cliff Shots around mile 4, mile 7.5, and mile 10. And I'm so glad I brought my water bottle because the water stops were few and far between. Mile 3-4 was rough for me because that's when we left the spectators and got on the trail. Reality sank in and I felt a little overwhelmed. It was so great to see Ross around mile 6.5 because I knew I was halfway done and I also needed a little boost headed into what I knew would be a tough few miles. It really wasn't that bad, though, because Ross kept popping up every 0.5-1 miles between miles 6.5 and 9. It made the time pass quickly.

Emily booking it.

Me finally headed into the downhill/tailwind portion!

When I hit mile 10, I felt pretty good and started to speed up. Some great songs came up on my iPod shuffle and the end was near. I may have sped up a little too soon, because by mile 11 my quads were complaining and my legs were getting pretty tired. I took it easy for 5 minutes and then started to psych myself up again.  

Then at mile 11.8, I just lost all my wind. A runner had collapsed and the paramedics were doing CPR. Chest compressions and everything. I wanted to throw up, cry, hyperventilate, and quit. I felt so superficial for worrying about my finish time and I just wanted to go find that man's family. I think the entire "pack" I was kind of running in felt the same way. Suddenly lots of people were walking.

But that last mile I realized the only way I could stop running was just push through to the end, so I did.

Emily's awesome finish

My finish. Sort of. Apparently I quit running at the marathon finish and not the half marathon finish. Lame.

I had a hard time pushing myself after seeing someone needing CPR and somehow, even though I only finished 2 hours ago, that's my most vivid memory from the race. When I did finish, everyone was congratulating me and was so excited and I just broke down. Not because I was so happy to be done or so overwhelmed with our accomplishment, but because it's all I had wanted to do since seeing that runner on the ground surrounded by paramedics.

I realize I have no control over that man's fate, and I'm not sure what the outcome was. All I can do right now is be so thankful that I am surrounded by such selfless people (standing outside for 2 1/2 hours on a cloudy, windy November morning is not most people's idea of a good time). Mom, Dad, Ross: I can't emphasize enough how thankful I am that you were there to cheer me on and I know that whatever I do, you'll be there to support me. I hope I am able to return the favor! And Emily, WE DID IT!

13.1 miles- conquered!