Humility

The Gospel Coalition has an awesome Lenten devotional that Ross and I are trying to do this year. I say trying, because Lent has been a time of turmoil, per usual, and we're a bit behind. BUT I read this excerpt a few days ago and can't stop thinking about it. Funny how so much of the ugliness of my heart is exposed at this time of the year.

Pride is thinking of ourselves more highly than we ought to think (Romans 12:4). However, humility is not thinking less of ourselves than we ought to think, but simply thinking of ourselves less...

All of us want to be part of a community where pride and ego are put to death and selflessness and service are brought to life. This is just the kind of community that the Bible calls us to... (but) notice that the key to this kind of community is humility. In other words, our lack of concern for others and service to others is primarily because we lack humility. All forms of self-concern manifest themselves in a lack of love for others. We become consumer instead of servants...

Our consumerism is rooted in a lack of faith. We are worried about what others think because we are not convinced that God delights in us (Psalm 149:4). We are anxious because we do not believe God will meet our needs (Matthew 6:32). We vie for attention because we do not think God rewards what is done in secret (Matthew 6:6). We compare ourselves to others because we forget that Jesus is our righteousness (1 Corinthians 1:30). A consumer is self-seeking because he is preoccupied with building his own kingdom in order to meet his own needs. During Lent, Jesus especially calls us to re-right our lives, to "seek first the kingdom of God..." (Matthew 6:33).

The simple practice of self-denial in Lent teaches us tat those who trust God to meet their needs are free to consider the needs of others. They discover this gospel paradox: As long as I'm looking to get my needs met, I will never get my needs met. But when I begin to meet the needs of others-- when I begin to live for them instead of for myself-- I find that God graciously takes care of my needs in the process. The grace of God turns us into servants. Instead of demanding that we be served, we joyfully lay down our rights and seek to serve God and others.

God's grace toward us in Christ needs to get down deep into our hearts in order to change us. We need to acknowledge our resistance to grace, which manifests itself in our desire to establish our righteousness and meet our needs apart from God. Jesus came to serve-- to heal, to feed, to make more wine, to wash feet, and to die. When we humbly receive the fullness and sufficiency of his love, then we will find ourselves increasingly joyful and selfless as we delight in serving others.

I've been in a funk the last few weeks, and I feel the old panic rising inside of me. I need some of this to get deep down into my own heart today.

Never Enough

(I wrote this a few weeks ago, and was too afraid to post it. Things are getting better, but these thoughts are still a legitimate part of this pregnancy and I want to remember it.)

Wondering why there's complete radio silence lately between my weekly pregnancy updates? I was prepared for the physical discomforts of pregnancy, but I'm having an immensely hard time dealing with the hormonal outbursts, irrational thinking, and anxiety, and I feel like I finally need to talk about it a little bit.

First of all, I'm sad that I'm sad, because I wanted pregnancy to be so blissful. Don't get me wrong, I love the weekly changes I notice taking place, and it's so completely surreal to be on this side of the exam table for once, but I'm grappling with a loss of expectations and I feel like it's something no one really talks about during pregnancy. For me, a lot of my anxiety and remorse centers around-- what else? Work. The axis around which it feels my life has revolved this past year. I miss the simple days of having one job. I had no idea how good I had it!

[The meat of this post may be a bit of a pity party. Please proceed with caution. And allow me to say that I know things could be SO SO much worse. This is simply a reality that I'm having a hard time with right now.]

My first 5 years as a nurse, I hoarded my PTO for an ever-elusive maternity leave. This time last year, dissatisfaction and a lingering feeling of restlessness drove me to leave my full-time day shift position for a Monday-Friday job in a high-risk OB clinic. By June, I was finally ready to admit that the clinic was a terrible fit for me. Of course, by then my day shift position was long-since filled and the NICU census was down, meaning they weren't hiring at all. So I left the clinic without a backup plan.

I searched for 2+ months, managed to find two jobs to cobble together an income, and got pregnant. On the one hand, I'm so grateful. Unemployment was much rougher than I had anticipated, and I'm very thankful that it only lasted two months. I do enjoy my current jobs and the variety that they provide, but it's hard to juggle two very different schedules. And so I still find myself where I started this whole mess: with a lingering sense of dissatisfaction. Without all the side perks of a job with benefits. It's a harsh reminder that the problem really lies within, not without, right? It's been an expensive lesson to learn.

When this baby comes, I'm looking at 8-12 weeks without a paycheck. No PTO to receive base pay for a month or two, no FMLA to receive partial pay for a few weeks after that, no free delivery at the hospital I worked at... It's entitled and bratty, I know. But truly, it's just not the picture-perfect scenario I imagined and planned on having in place for our first child. (Six years of neonatology and perinatology experience reminds me that there are an infinite number of things worse than no PTO for maternity leave. I do know that. But again, this is simply what I'm struggling with at the moment.)

I'm SO VERY GRATEFUL to have a baby on the way, and I'm so completely lucky that Ross has a stable job with benefits. We're blessed in many, many ways and we know we're able to live on one income if we have to... we've been doing that for roughly half of our marriage in one capacity or another. But to be honest? It's a really hard pill for me to swallow that I'm barely contributing now, and I'm going to be contributing even less in another 20 weeks. I'm used to being the provider. I'm used to having the backup plan and the job security and the good insurance. It's really humbling to know that I'm working my butt off on nights and weekends and home visits and I bring in less money than ever. Tax season has been a lovely reminder of that. It's really true when they say, "don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone?" All those hours of unused vacation, all that planning... gone.

I know it's selfish, but this has been surprisingly hard for me to deal with. A large part of my emotional response to all of this is probably due to this time of the year, which is always rough for me. Pregnancy hormones and massive life changes on the way are definitely not helping. Then getting all 4 of my W-2s in the mail this month was a slap in the face. 2013 was an expensive lesson in what does and doesn't truly satisfy, and my tendency toward remorse and regret and anxiety has never been stronger.

You know what? A job will never satisfy or fulfill me. How many times have I said that and then turned back toward the work and tried to make it a tidier picture of what I want it to look like?

On a good day, I can still see that nothing is an accident. God has so precisely ordained every one of these circumstances. Even if my decisions were selfish or downright sinful, he is using them to show me more of His goodness and provision. But some days? I miss my old job so much I can practically taste it. I get bitter when I hear old co-workers complaining about the very job I was complaining about 12 short months ago-- they don't realize how lucky they are. Day shift! Insurance! PTO! I'm realizing I have a bit of a self-pity complex, and my problems always have to be bigger than everyone else's. That's not right and it's something big that I need to work though. (Then again I also tend to make reckless decisions that cause bigger problems with ever-rippling repurcussions! I need to work on that too.)

I don't know. This is all ugly, but I feel like I need to get it off my chest. Get it onto this page and turn to a new one. I desperately need God to break into my dark heart today and get past my stubbornness to once again remind me of his grace and truth. My mom and several sweet friends have been reminding me of this, but it's hard to hear through the tears. Some days, I feel like my bad decisions are bigger than God's provision and God's love, and that's just not true.

This sermon has been sitting with me all week and it couldn't have been timed better. (It really got pertinent for me starting at 20 minutes in, if you want to listen to it-- which you should!) There are so many truths in it that I needed to hear: Sometimes Jesus' delayed response isn't a contradiction of, but rather an expression of his love. I can't measure God's love by the absence of frustration and pain in my life. These are truths that I know deep down, but my pride has gotten in the way of my belief lately. I need these to wash over me again and sink in even deeper. Because a paycheck will NEVER be enough. The dream job will NEVER satisfy. And paid 'maternity leave'? Well... that's still a sore subject for now.

Lovely

This simple truth from the Jesus Storybook Bible's version of creation has been pressing on me lately:

We are lovely because He loves us.

Not because we're beautiful inside or out.

More importantly, when we aren't beautiful inside or out.

God created us. And He loves us. So we are lovely.

This is a hard, hard truth for me to swallow and I'm kind of buried in it right now. Bear with me as I try to preach the Gospel to myself here.

I thought I had the self-loathing thing down pat. For years, I used the label of eating-disorder "survivor" to pacify myself. Like, I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be. So I'll just sit here in my survival shell instead of pursuing things of true and lasting beauty??? Ummm I can't believe I'm typing all these ugly thoughts out. But I know I'm not alone.

The truth is, I have struck a balance between bouts emotional overeating and a regular exercise schedule. My weight has fluctuated within a normal range for the past few years: a little skinnier in the summer, a little fluffier in the winter. It's a cycle completely dependent upon self-control and lack thereof.

Then, 2012 became (among other things) the year of unrelenting acne. Stress, hormones, and who-knows-what else made a perfect mess of the part of me that's most visible to the world. Unlike a sweatshirt that hides a few extra pounds, there has been no hiding this acne. Now that I'm on accutane, it's even worse because I'm still breaking out, but my skin is also ridiculously dry and flaky, so makeup just accentuates the dryness.

To be honest, though, even these things are small matters compared to what lies within. At the same time my acne grew out of control, my marriage was imploding and exposing the idols in my heart-- revealing the worst of me to myself. The past year has made me feel quite un-lovely in deep ways I never thought possible. What I once found decent about myself, was now wretched. It just wasn't good enough. I wasn't enough inside or out. For anyone. I wasn't enough of a wife to hold my husband's attention. I wasn't a smart enough nurse. I wasn't a dedicated student. I wasn't a good friend. I wasn't a good daughter, sister, co-worker, you name it. But truly, all those things aside, I wasn't enough for me.

My confidence was once at least held up by a semblance of denial and a healthy dose of, if they don't like my sweatshirt and jeans, that's their problem, not mine. Now? It's all out on the table and I'm trudging through the thick of it and I'm finding that I really can't fix this pain. I can't will it away. I can't outsmart it. I know that even if and when this accutane does its thing, I will feel so un-lovely if nothing changes in my heart. This holiday season, I ended up in tears in the bathroom before every single social event we had on the calendar, crying that I just wanted to feel beautiful for one day. Is that so much to ask?!

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When I disrespect myself, I'm saying to God, look, I know you tried and all, but you didn't do a very good job here. I know better. This is ugly. All of it.

The thing is, he already knows our hearts are ugly, because we are humans and sinners by nature. But he offers us grace upon grace upon grace in spite of that. In fact, because of that. I see now how much I need it. God sent his Son to justify our legal standing before the gates of heaven, and the Holy Spirit to sanctify our daily lives that we may constantly repent and turn toward the Gospel.

This is me repenting, I guess. Over and over again. I thought that if I was self-depreciating enough, people would have no expectations. That way, showing up somewhere with frizzy hair and no makeup would be better than not showing up at all. Joke's on me, though. I worked my way in a downward spiral until I felt unworthy of anything and incapable of true beauty. My sin is exposed and I cannot get stuck in this cycle of seeing my sin, skipping the cross, and moving straight to repentance and behavior modification. (Thanks for reminding me over and over again, Jami). This pattern will lead straight to despair every. single. time. Because I will never been good enough, but He is.

I am lovely because He loves me.

I am lovely because He loves me.

I am lovely because He loves me.

I did nothing to deserve that, and that's okay. I need to need my Savior. I am less than nothing without him.

Renewal

Last year went by in the blink of an eye. It's true that the days are long but the years are short. I must start 2013 by apologizing: I've been quite morose lately. On the blog and in real life. Introverted, introspective, and greatly concerned with things of no great importance.

I know that in many ways, today is just another Tuesday. I'm so grateful, though, that it's a tangible bookmark. It's a milestone met. It's a reminder that in Christ, the old has gone and the new has come {2 Corinthians 5:17}. There is hope! And life! And a fresh start that relies not upon my own resolve or self-control, but God's mercy!

How beautiful that we awoke to a snow-covered ground this morning. Last winter was ugly and brown, but this winter we had a fresh snowfall before Christmas and New Year. A wonderful reminder that in our perpetual sin, God's grace can still cover us. Indeed, "because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness!" {Lamentations 3:22-23}

I'm not making resolutions this year, because 2012 taught me that when I make plans, God laughs. In fact, it's like Anne Lewis says: "There are four ways God answers prayer: No, not yet; No, I love you too much; Yes, I thought you'd never ask; Yes, and here's more." My goal for this year and for all the days remaining to me is to sit in God's presence daily, and to be present in daily life: the good and the bad, the messy and the real. I want to be mindful of Him, and allow HIM to direct my paths.

When I worry, I cling to the idols of control and busyness (which slays me because I hate busyness yet I fill my days with it). But when I hope in Christ, I find joy even amidst my sorrows. In light of that, I do want to share my favorite moment of 2012. It whispers of deep pain before and great hope after. Like this first day of the new year, it marks the end of one extremely difficult journey, and the beginning of a somehow more challenging one, but a truer one.

Ross and I renewed our wedding vows at dusk on Friday, July 13, 2012 beneath the heavy realization that we are not enough. We can't make our lives good. We cannot pay the price for our own failures or those of our spouse: it's too much to bear. Thankfully, at exactly the right moment, God intervened and knocked us off our feet. He pulled us out of deep waters. This past spring, we both saw things clearly for the first time. As two sinners striving to love selflessly, we're still learning a great deal about God's love. Even when our spouse fails us or betrays us in big or small ways (as they inevitably will), we are still called to love them as God loves us-- sin and stubbornness and all. Only God never disappoints.

When Ross came to pick me up to meet the pastor that evening, this song started playing on the radio and it sums up this past year perfectly. It's so filled with hope, and I couldn't have said anything better myself.

Redeemed by Big Daddy Weave

Seems like all I could see was the struggle  

Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past  

Bound up in shackles of all my failures  

Wondering how long is this gonna last?  

Then You look at this prisoner and say to me, son  

Stop fighting a fight that's already been won 

And I am redeemed  

You set me free  

So I'll shake off these heavy chains  

and wipe away every stain  

I am redeemed  

I'm redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy 

Named by the voice of my shame and regret  

But when I hear You whisper,  

child lift up your head, 

I remember, oh God,  

You're not done with me yet

And I am redeemed  

You set me free  

So I'll shake off these heavy chains  

and wipe away every stain  

Now I'm not who I used to be.  

Because I don't have to be 

the old man inside of me 

'cause his day is long dead and gone

Because I've got a new name, 

a new life, I'm not the same  

And a hope that will carry me home

I am redeemed  

You set me free  

So I'll shake off these heavy chains  

and wipe away every stain  

'cause I'm not who I used to be  

Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be  

Jesus, I'm not who I used to be  

'cause I am redeemed  

Thank God, redeemed

A Disservice to the Cross

This Friday, a friend made a comment that stopped me in my tracks:

If you go to bed at night thinking you will do better tomorrow, you're doing a disservice to the cross.

Wait.

What?

Almost every single night, I'm laying in bed thinking that tomorrow, I will stop pulling my hair when I'm anxious. Tomorrow, I will stop eating when I feel sad or bored, and just eat when I'm hungry. Tomorrow, I will do my homework and not waste time. Tomorrow, I will tell my loved ones how much they mean to me. Tomorrow, I will be able to make big decisions. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

Let's be honest. If behavior modification were the answer, I would have 'fixed myself' years ago. The point is, I will never be perfect. While we are still sinners, Christ dies for us. That's a hard truth for me to swallow. I'm well-versed in my own sin. I have no illusions as to the nature of my true self. Why should someone else take the blame?

How do you let someone step in front of you when you know full well that you deserve punishment to fit the crime? When I think I can do better tomorrow or I can fix this, I'm denying the fact that Jesus had to die so that I might live. Because I can't just do better. And if I think I can, I'm placing myself in the position of God, no? Let's not lose the weight of this: WE need GOD. Not the other way around.

I'm not saying that I can't strive to honor the body and the responsibilities and the family members I've been given in this life. But I am saying that only one thing is of first importance. And only in light of the cross can I actually do anything of lasting importance.

And when the idea of doing something of 'lasting importance' completely overwhelms me, I can rest in the arms of my Creator and know that simply living in thanksgiving of this Gift is all He asks of me.

I remember my affliction and my wandering,
    the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
    and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind
    and therefore I have hope:

 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his mercies never fail.

They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him."

{Lamentations 3:19-24}