When Rosie Went to the Hospital

It's Tuesday night. This time last week, I was taking Rosie to the Respiratory Outpatient Clinic inside the children's hospital ER. It was our second of three visits. She was breathing so fast, and retracting, and burning up and I was so tense waiting there, knowing that she needed suctioning, but knowing I hated seeing them put that catheter down her nose.

We would've actually qualified for hospital admission that night, but she seemed to improved when they suctioned some of that thick junk out of her airway, so we went home. She had a feverish, sad night. She wasn't eating well, and was lethargic, resting on my chest, as hot as a little space heater because she was refusing to take her Tylenol. When morning came, I took her to the ROC clinic again. They suctioned her again. But by the time we got to the car, she was already retracting and breathing fast and looking so, so sad. So I grabbed some sustenance, made some phone calls, and walked into the ER with my baby and asked to be seen. The nurse counted her respiratory rate at 80 breaths per minute, and they took us back to a room right away. They put her on a monitor, suctioned her again, and then the doctor came in to chat.

I was honestly relieved when the doctor decided to admit her. The previous few nights had been so scary. I was calling the on-call pediatrician's line almost nightly. I think I knew what was coming. She got oxygen for about an hour in the ER, and rested so comfortably on it. She was breathing fast and hard when we got her up to her room, but since her sats were 90-92%, they didn't put the oxygen back on, which I was a little anxious about. (For the record, I did NOT like our day shift nurse those first few days). By evening, she was a little more comfortable, albeit still sat-ing in the low 90s, and sometimes dipping below when she was asleep.

It's funny, I've kind of been regretting not staying that second night in the hospital after she was born, just to snuggle. Well, we got our extra nights in the hospital. But snuggling was really hard with the big uncomfortable chair, a sick baby, a sick mama, lines, and oxygen. But I still relished that time when I literally had nothing to do but attend to her. Even though it did wear on me, especially by the evening, when it started to get dark out and I realized I somehow needed to shower, and eat, and pump, and wash pumping parts all alone with a fussy baby. I was so grateful when my parents decided to come down to help out.

Rosie had basically been sick since October 21. All of us came down with a pretty brutal cold that weekend, and then Noah, Rosie, and I got pink eye. Right as we recovered from the last of the cold symptoms, we got the stomach bug. Ross and Noah had about 24 hours of discomfort, but Rosie and I had a solid week. I woke up that day in mid-November with a high fever and body aches that were so awful, I could barely walk. I hadn't even gotten the GI symptoms yet! Thankfully my mom was still in town. She was just about to leave after helping out over the weekend, but instead she was able to take Noah to school and hold Rosie while I slept and then went to the doctor. Aunt Karen came over later to hold Rosie, too. I've been sick a lot in the past year, but that Tuesday I was just truly incapacitated. Rosie started throwing up that afternoon, and continued to do so for the next 4 days! Days 2 and 3, she was basically projective vomiting after most of her feeds, and we were watching wet diapers to make sure she didn't have to go to the ER. At once point, she only had 2 wet diapers in 24 hours, which was fairly scary for a 3 month old. I had the fever and body aches for 4 days, and then finally got the GI symptoms right before leaving town for Thanksgiving.

So we were all healthy for about 2 days, and then... RSV hit. Noah stayed in Omaha for a few days after Thanksgiving, and came back with the sniffles. They very quickly progressed into him sleeping for hours and hours one Sunday, which is completely unlike him. He also had a high fever and I had a really bad feeling about it. Sure enough, Rosie started to get sick later that day. We were all congested and exhausted by Sunday night. Rosie's RR was in the 60s, so I FaceTimed my dad for some triage. We decided to just take her to the pediatrician first thing in the morning, which was good because he had a RR of 65 and temp of 101 overnight and I had to suction her a few times.

At the pediatrician on Monday, Rosie's O2 sats were 95-96%, HR 136, and RR 56. She was having some very minor retractions though, so they did do an RSV swab. It came back positive, and they gave us a script for the Respiratory Outpatient Clinic at the children's hospital. I took it but kind of shrugged it off. We'd been using the Nose Frida with decent success. By Tuesday morning, Rosie was either lethargic or fussy-- never engaged and happy like she'd been with previous illnesses. She didn't pee overnight, and her morning RR was 80 with some pretty noticeable subcostal retractions.

By 9am Tuesday morning, I knew she needed more suctioning and care than I was able to provide at home, so I drove her to the ROC. I was so stressed, and basically prepped for the worst, expecting to get admitted. Noah even drew a sweet little picture and rolled it up and put it into Rosie's hand before we left! Turns out, that the ROC doesn't even have a doctor, and they don't really triage. So they deep suctioned her (wow-- so hard to watch even though I've done it to smaller babies before at work), and sent us on our way with a RR of 43 and sats at 98%. The RT told me that days 4-5 of RSV are the worst, and this was the morning of day 4. She seemed more comfortable, albeit still pale and sleepy. Meanwhile, though, she just wasn't staying hydrated even though I was feeding her often. (Probably a combo between a fever, insensible water loss with such fast breathing, and just not eating well because she was so congested). She'd only had one wet diaper in 12 hours, so the pediatrician said if she didn't have 2 more by bedtime, she'd need to go into the ER. But by 2pm, she seemed happier and more active, had eaten 3oz pumped milk by bottle, and peed and pooped once.

At this point, we were all so sick. Noah was over the lethargic phase, but I was exhausted. All of us had fluid behind our ears and tons of congestion, so he'd say something, I'd respond (losing my voice), and he'd go, "what'd you say?" All day it was a constant cycle of, "why? what? what did you say? why? what? what did you say?" Aunt Theresa brought us dinner that night, which was SO SO appreciated. But seeing Rose through another person's eyes made me realize just how sick and sad she looked. Sadly, she was looking worse again after a 4 hour nap!!! RR 90, temp 100.9. She peed and pooped again, so we avoided the ER by a 5 hour margin! But she was retracting even more, and still had a RR of 80 an hour after Tylenol (aka not just breathing fast because of a fever) so we went back to the ROC. And the second visit was so much more stressful! We'd been the only ones there at 10am, but at 7pm, the waiting room was packed with sick babies. An hour and a half later, we finally got back to a room. RR 54 O2 sats 95%. After suctioning sats went up to 100% so we went home. That night, though, was rough.

I suctioned Rosie before bed, but in the middle of the night, she was so miserable. She wouldn't take Tylenol, she had refused bottles since her second round of deep suctioning, but was tiring easily at the breast, and she was working so hard to breathe. It was awful. I allllmost took her in then, but I was able to get her to sleep and I slept lightly while holding her . At 6am, her temp was 101.8, RR 80+, so we got ready to head to the ROC first thing. Thankfully she was still drooling, and her fontanelle felt normal, but I was afraid that if the respiratory symptoms didn't admit her, the dehydration would. At the ROC, they suctioned again, but she was already retracting so much by the time we got to the car. I called my dad to discuss options, I drove through at eCafe to grab a treat, some coffee, and some food for lunch, and drove back to the ER and walked in with my baby, which I had yet to do in 3.5 years of parenting.

Rosie ended up staying in the hospital for 3 nights and 4 days. It was hard. Really hard. Even though I knew she was going to be fine and it could've been so much worse! But sleeping 3 hours a night, being super sick myself, nursing and pumping and not being able to feed the pumped milk due to an oral aversion from all the suctioning. The first time they weaned her off her IV fluid, she was running too dry and they almost gave her an NG tube. Thankfully, we avoided that and just did fluids for another 24 hours and tried again. The third night, they went back and forth on discharge 3 times. They decided to keep her, so I went home for a real shower and a change of clothes, and Ross called at 10pm saying the new resident said we could go. By that point, I said I wanted to stay overnight because it was already so late.

The things that surprised me most about this whole series of events:

1. The reassurance I felt when my mom gut was validated. I knew she was getting admitted when I walked into the ER.

2. The relief I felt when they did admit her. I only slept 3 hours a night in the hospital, but I slept better than I had been at home, because she was on monitors and I knew I wasn't the only person responsible for knowing if she was having too much trouble breathing.

3. I thought I'd have time to read, so I brought books. This was shockingly not true at all! I did read for an hour one night, and I loved this quote from Lisa Jo-Baker's intro to a book called Anchored:

"I'm constantly surrounded by the fact that we consider motherhood 'ordinary.' When it's outrageous in its courage. When it, quite literally, bleeds life from the giver. Bleeds prayers and tears and blessings and terrible, holy faith. When it opens our eyes to the majesty of the world we have no control over, reminding us how vulnerable we are and how parenting is this living, breathing parable of surrendering control to the God who had the whole world in his hands all along. We just hadn't stopped to notice until we became mothers and discovered that most of what happens to our kids and our own bodies is entirely outside our control."

This so perfectly captures this season of sickness for me. Being a mother makes me more vulnerable, and I will fiercely protect my little ones and run myself into the ground doing so. But God is reminding me that he loves us, too. He bleeds for us, he cries for us, and he, unlike me, is actually in control.

October in Review

October in the Midwest seems to be the March in reverse: in like a lamb, out like a lion. We started the month with a sunny, sweaty walk to the park, and ended it with flurries in the forecast and weather too cold to take a baby trick or treating. The changing seasons get me every time, and nothing marks the stark passage of time quite like having a baby. They change overnight, they grow like weeds, and before you know it, you baby is in her fourth month of life and you haven't quite caught up with all the ways life has changed in the past few months. In fact, in the past few days, I've been able to step outside myself a little bit (so much of my day is lived so UP CLOSE) and find myself incredulous that I have TWO KIDS. I'm, like, a grownup.

I have an app called Timehop, and every morning it shows me pictures that I took on that day as far back as 10-11 years! It's just been killing me for the past few weeks. We moved to Kansas City 8 years ago, we moved to a bigger apartment in the same complex 7 years ago. 5 years ago, I was working in the NICU, going to grad school, and teaching clinicals. I took a picture of my new planner, noting that "2013 is going to be a good year. Hard, but good." Little did I know that I'd be changing jobs, hating it, going through a really dark season, traveling to Canada, traveling to Haiti, traveling to Slovenia, and getting pregnant that year!

Four years ago, I was newly pregnant and took a picture of the bright orange tree in our apartment complex that I fell in love with every fall, musing, "I wonder where we will be next year..."

Three years ago, I was navigating life as a new mom in a new-to-us, under-construction house, dreading winter.

Two years ago, I was grappling with the repercussions of a surprise pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage.

Last year, I felt the most normal I'd felt in years: pelvic pain was more or less resolved, I was no longer breastfeeding, Noah was potty-trained and sleeping through the night, and I felt at home in my body, comfortable with our routines, secure in my relationships, and a nagging feeling that someone was missing from the picture.

So in the past year, we went through a full pregnancy and delivery and now here were are at the fall festival again, as a family of FOUR. The side-by-side comparison just blows my mind. So much has happened in a year!

When we found out we were having a "little but lively" sister bear of our own, I knew we had to be Berenstain Bears for Halloween this year. Noah was over the moon about this, and they both looked completely adorable in their costumes. Unfortunately, we were sick the day of the festival, so we didn't stay long at all. (Spoiler alert: It was the beginning of months and months of sickness). But, this is life now and I love these two little cubs.

Three Months and Finding a New Normal

I cannot believe Rosie is a three month old. The difference between 8 weeks and 12 weeks is so drastic! I no longer have a newborn, but an awake, alert, wiggly little baby. I'm surprised at some of the newborn things I'd forgotten: those early days when they can't even purposefully move their arms so sometimes they just hang down at their sides while the baby stares into your eyes. Can you imagine not being able to control anything but your eyes or your cries? Their sweet trust and vulnerability gets to me every time.

Then we hit that fun stage where Rosie found her arms overnight, and any time we laid her on her back for about two weeks, she would just have her arms straight up in front of her, waving those little fists around, in awe that they've apparently been there the whole time. Then she spent a few days grabbing her shirt and kind of pulling it away from her body, as she experimented with what her arms could do. And now those chubby little fists have found their way to her mouth, and she's a drooly, slobbery little puddle who is trying her darnedest to sit up on her own. She's solidly in her 6 month clothes now, and it's so hard to remember that she's still a pretty tiny baby on the inside. Slow down, baby!

It's so fun to learn her different cries, too. The "pay attention to me" cry, the "I'm so tired, why aren't you putting me to bed" cry, the "I'm hungry" cry, the "I'm ticked" cry... and they're all just so so sweet. It breaks my heart that Noah mostly had an "I'm in pain" cry thanks to his reflux. The perils of being the oldest child-- I just didn't know what I didn't know when he was little! I hate that he had to suffer through that, and I will always mourn the "typical" newborn experience that he and I missed out on. But I love that we had so much Mama/Noah time to bond and connect as he got older. It's so interesting doing all of this newborn mothering the second time around. It gives me a chance to do things differently, but I'm also learning that babies themselves are so different right off the bat, and much of it (LIKE SLEEP) isn't a reflection of me as a parent.

Today I did my first postpartum Barre3 workout. I got cleared for exercise and physical therapy at 6 weeks, although I was taking 2-3 mile walks with the double stroller a few times a week starting around 4-5 weeks, because toddlers who don't want to nap in their beds are more apt to nap in the stroller! (It was kind of a bummer to come home with two well-rested kids while I, meanwhile, was exhausted and sore and all kinds of sweaty. But rested kids are WORTH IT.)

Sadly, those walks have fallen by the wayside in the past few weeks, as sleep patterns and weather patterns change. I'm reminding myself over and over again that change is the only constant in these early days. And I'd say I've been riding with it pretty well and giving myself a lot of grace up until the last week or two. I'm starting to crave routine, schedules, some semblance of normalcy. Even though Rosie isn't colicky (praise the Lord), she's still a baby! Sometimes she doesn't like to fall back asleep after eating at 3am. Sometimes she doesn't want to close her tired little eyes during Noah's rare afternoon naps. She still has witching hour when she's overtired in the evening. We still can't manage to all sit down to dinner together.

Everything changes at such a rapid pace right now, that a routine that worked well one week doesn't even begin to work the next week. I'm still figuring things out day by day. Don't even get me started on the toddler wanting to get out of the house, and the baby no longer falling asleep willy nilly while we are out and about. As with Noah, that 4-6 week developmental leap caught me by surprise with Rosie. My cuddly little newborn suddenly had opinions and didn't want to sleep all day every day. I found that right when the meal train ended and people stopped treating me like a freshly postpartum mom, is when I almost needed more support. The world thinks you're over it, but you're still recovering AND now your baby doesn't want to sleep all day AND your toddler is thoroughly sick of being home-bound. It's a rough transition.

But now we've kind of muddled our way through that. Rosie is showing signs of maybe wanting to be on a schedule, so I'm trying to figure out a good balance of getting out versus staying in. I'm crazy grateful that leaving the house and abandoning the ideal routine doesn't send me into a panic like it did when I was a first-time mom, but let's be real: it's still stressful and I'd prefer not to do it. And I'm starting to see that Noah needs some concrete interaction with me when we do stay home, because expecting him to entertain himself all morning doesn't cut it.

So here we are, in the in-between. I feel more normal, but I don't look normal and I can't fit into my old clothes. I crave balanced meals, quiet alone time, and exercise, but I can't quite make it a reality when I'm needed from 5:30am-9pm, and usually at least once or twice beyond that, too. I am a mom to a three year old and a mom to a three month old, but I'm not sure how to be both at once. And even in this season-between-seasons, I have to make myself stop and pause, because it's so so beautiful, and I don't want to wish it away. As Lisa-Jo Baker says, "mothers never want it to be over. Even the hard stuff. They may want it to stop. They may want to find room to breathe, to weep, to panic. But they don't want it to end-- this delivering, shaping, cheering, loving, bringing life into the world."

My hands are full, but so is my heart.

Recipes I Want to Make: Fall Edition

Maple Potato Bacon Hash

Pumpkin Bread (made with all-purpose GF flour)

Pumpkin Oatmeal Cookies (made with oat flour)

Thanksgiving Panzanella This looks SO warm, comforting, and nourishing!

Shrimp Curry Noodle Bowls

Coconut Flour Banana Bread

Linguine with Shrimp Scampi

Tahini and Soba Noodle Salad

Coffee Pecan Oat Squares SO GOOD

MOMCON 2017

I took a leap of faith and signed up to go to MOMcon with an 8 week old. I was ridiculously proud of myself and Rosie the whole weekend. It was a little stressful, because she was emerging from the sleepy newborn stage and was too fussy for me to sit through every session. But I was so paralyzed with anxiety as a brand new mom that getting out of the house the second time around always feels like a huge victory! I threw the schedule out the door, let her nap in the carrier or the stroller, nursed in public, and... survived.

While I was packing for the weekend, Noah was also throwing stuff in the suitcase for Rosie. Namely, a digger truck that's as big as she is, crayons, and a coloring book. Most thoughtful brother ever. The love goes both ways. We facetimed the boys one evening, and Rosie smiled when she saw Noah! 

There were some tears and some anxiety, to be sure. Poor Ross had to field a few panicked phone calls when I felt like I'd gotten in over my head. The trickiest part was getting back to the hotel room with an overtired baby and needing to shower and get ready for bed without any help, since everyone else was out being social. (Although Rosie was magical and slept from 10pm-5am both nights!) I'm SO glad I went. The nursing mom area was quiet and restful, the speakers were encouraging, and the praise and worship was such a balm for my frazzled and insecure soul.

I took a few notes for MOPS friends who couldn't attend, and I want to save them for myself, too.

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Ann Voskamp gave a talk based on the concept of her latest book, The Broken Way. Here's what stood out to me:

-Sometimes in motherhood, it goes dark. Fly by the light of the instruments on the hard days. (Instruments = the Bible and God's promises therein.)

-Whatever you've done, you can't wreck your life of your motherhood, because Christ's love is unstoppable.

-The only sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit. Mother ducks line their nest with feathers from their breast, not with scrap feathers and leftovers. We are called to do the same, and this is only possible in Christ. Real mothering doesn't always feel like you're really living. Sometimes it can feel like you're really kind of dying. Hard things don't mean you aren't doing the right thing.

-The moment at which we are most repelled by our child's behavior is when we need to draw close to them and love them.

-Hug them at every meal so they are emotionally fed as well as physically fed.

-God's Word never goes away, passes away, or falls away-- but it is always given to show us the Way. You will be able to handle your world as well as you handle His Word.

-The parent must ALWAYS self-preach before child-teach.

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Here's my summary of the Making Play a Meaningful Experience workshop. The teacher encouraged one hour of playing WITH your child per day, which is a huge struggle for me, but something I can work toward!

-IF YOU AND YOUR CHILD ARE ENGAGED, MOTIVATED, AND HAVING FUN, you are doing a good job playing!

-Types of play: sensory, manipulative, construction, grow motor, dramatic, art, music, books, games with rules.

-Benefits of play: social and emotional connections, seeing the perspectives of others, enables a range of thinking skills, practice of academic skills, fosters confidence and control, ignites imagination and creation, and is fun!

-I am the protector of play-- I should not be using screens to distract myself or my child during play time.

-I am the observer of play-- I get to watch my child's interests and talents develop, and observe what types of activity my child prefers and why (kids need play to be a little bit challenging so as not to bore them, but not too challenging so as to frustrate them).

-I am a co-player, which means I:

    a. model attitude-- curiosity and motivation ("I wonder why..."), thoughtful actions, withheld  judgment, failure is okay, change and grow

    b. support positive social skills (turn-taking, collaboration, point of view and feelings, being a good sport)

    c. build strategic thinking skills (comment on successes, ask questions like, "what/how/why? what would happen if?" and review what worked)

    d. build language (new vocabulary for familiar concepts i.e. "this tower is gigantic" vs "this tower is big", compare opinions or viewpoints to build conversation skills, encourage asking questions)

    e. support development and learning (introduce new concepts and skills, apply science, math, and reading skills)

    f. have fun! (Play is NOT teaching, even though much learning happens-- any teaching that occurs should be informal and fun)

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I went to (and loved) the talk on Chasing Slow by Erin Loechner. My notes are spotty because baby was getting pretty fussy. She made a few really good points I was bummed I didn't catch!

Here's what I got:

-Burnout = refinement; the good comes from the hard; but you do need to distinguish between the trials God grants us versus those we put on ourselves.

-To slow down you life, slow down your day. You don't have to know how you'll fill however many years you have left, but you can decide how you're going to fill your day.

-When my identity is in being a child of God, a bad day is just a bad day.

-The opposite of control isn't chaos, it's surrender.

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And here's my summary of the workshop on Emotions and Young Children by David Thomas:

-Feelings are just feelings-- not good or bad in themselves.

-ABCs of Emotional Development:
    A. Reading Emotions-- Use a feelings chart to develop an emotional vocabulary in your household and model that language as parents. Make sure you're expression is congruent with your words (don't yell, "I'm not mad at you...")
    B. Regulating Emotions-- Misery loves company. Anchoring is when a child tries to drag you down with them, and of course mom is usually the anchor of choice. Our job is to redirect or take the emotion in a different direction (this is NOT the same as invalidating the emotion, avoiding it, or numbing it). David recommends having a space and a list of 5 ways to deal with emotions. This space shouldn't be the same as their time-out space, and especially if you have boys, at least 3 of the 5 options need to involve movement, and none of the options should be screens or food. Know your child and their age and preferences. This spot can contain a punching bag, a journal, coloring pages, trampoline, etc.
    C. Responding to Emotions with Empathy-- Use reflective statements ("what I hear you saying, is that you're nervous about going to this birthday party.") Practice conversations or whatever scenario they're nervous about. Practice conversational reciprocity (at dinner, when mom asks how your day was, you also ask her how her day was).

-These are never quick fixes. It takes years to develop this, and with some kids, you have to labor longer. Practice makes progress!

-Keep in mind that temperament does affect your child's emotional journey (introvert vs. extrovert). For your introverted child, avoid saying they're shy. Instead, frame things positively. They are cautions, observant, intuitive. They have a spider-sense where they can sense, see, and hear things that other people can't.

-Ideas for further emotional development:
Games (Chit Chat or Table Topic cards at dinner. Ask the questions and also have them ask you back.)
Books (He recommended a kids' book called Owen, and a juvenile fiction book called Wonder.)
Media (Watch Pixar movies with your child, and pause them to ask, "What's he feeling? What is he about to do?)

If you're really interested in this, I actually listened him to talk about really similar concepts in a podcast a few months ago. You can find the podcast here, as well as a link to a feelings chart you can print:
http://godcenteredmom.com/…/emotional-milestones-sissy-gof…/

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Two songs really stood out to me, too. 

I Have This Hope and There is a Cloud resonated with the season I was in and brought tears to my eyes. I was right between the sweet newborn days and returning to "real life," and not being quiet sure if things were about to get easier or harder. My past experience was weighing heavily on my, and I was hypervigilant about colic and anxiety returning, even as I snuggled my pretty genial little one all day.

I needed to remember, "I have this hope/ In the depths of my soul/ In the flood or the fire/ You're with me and you won't let go."

And this closing song was all worship: 

"Hear the Word, roaring as thunder

With a new future to tell
For the dry season is over
There is a cloud, beginning to swell

To the skies, heavy with blessing
Lift your eyes, offer your heart
Jesus Christ, opened the heavens
Now we receive, the Spirit of God

We receive Your rain"

On the Eve of 6 Weeks

It's funny, I felt so sane and present the first few weeks after we brought Rosie home, and swore my memories would be crystal clear, but now it's already all a blur. I cannot believe my sweet little newborn is going to be 6 weeks old tomorrow. The past two weeks, she's been much more awake and alert, she gains more head control every day, she's tracking with her eyes and thinking about reaching for things with her hands, and she's even rolled over once! I swear I got some intentional smiles in the first two weeks, but I can tell we are really close to seeing some social smiles now, and I can't wait.

In the meantime, I don't know how to handle the 6 week milestone. This is probably further exacerbated by the fact that I'm pretty sure sister is pushing 12 pounds already. She doesn't look like a  newborn! The passage of time is always so bittersweet. The first few weeks, I just love telling people, "oh, she's 2... 3... 4 weeks old" when they ask. Those first few golden weeks pass like pearls threaded on a chain. So perfect and unique and individual. But then around weeks 5 and 6, they start to blur together. Time speeds up. And as much as it makes me want to cry, I know that in no time, the weeks will be scattered around me like beads spilling onto the floor. Each one rich with history, but in a hurry to pile on top of each other in a chaotic mess.

I was so intentional about my postpartum experience this time, which is another post on its own. But I'd seen so much about really protecting the first 40 days and making recovery a priority. I did really well for the first 3 weeks. Less well for the second three weeks. And now that the 40 days have passed, now what?

I feel like the world was ready for me to be back on my feet by 2-3 weeks. For the most part, I was able to avoid that temptation, but now it's harder to say no. I see two lactation clients this week because we desperately need the money for all of our hospital bills. I'm feeling silly turning down playdate invitations, even while I worry about my friendships moving on without me. While I struggle to grasp the fleeting days of babyhood, the world spins on and I'm starting to get overwhelmed!

So I sit here trying to burn present scenes into my memory: the way Rosie's eyes flutter as she's falling asleep. The delicious rolls on her legs. The little routine we have where she cluster feeds at 5, 6:30, and 8pm and then sleeps until 2:30am, and then goes back to sleep until brother's morning shenanigans cause her to stir. Her sweet little smell. The way she stretches when she first wakes up. The way she trusts me implicitly. The way Noah reports: sister's crying, sister's bless-you-ing (sneezing), sister's hungry again!

Every day I fail in a million ways, but I hope my babies always know how much I love them, how intensely I want to be present for their early days, and how much I need Jesus to fill in the gaps when I fail to meet my own expectations.

Recipes I Want to Make: Late Summer Edition

Here are some recipes that I've had hanging out on my phone for the past few weeks. But let's be honest... I'm not going to be raring to go in the kitchen for a little while still. So in the meantime, I'll dream of these dishes!

Chocolate Peanut Butter Tart-- after feeling apathetic about chocolate for most of pregnancy, peanut butter with a little bit of chocolate sounds so good now!

Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Balls-- I've made and bought a lot of energy ball type treats over the years, but the Hail Merry Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Bites I tried recently are possibly the best yet. This is supposed to be a copycat recipe, and I can't wait to try it.

Key Lime Pie-- I was talking about the Florida Keys recently, and it made me crave a trip to the ocean. Maybe making this would be the next best thing?

Cherry + Almond Butter Caramel Bars-- Cherries have been soooo good this season!

Peanut Butter and Jelly Breakfast Cookies-- I actually do need to make these soon. I've been eating lots of oatmeal muffins and breakfast cookies for breakfast lately because they're just so easy, and oatmeal is good for milk supply!

Lemon Bundt Cake-- I haven't ventured into from-scratch gluten free cake-baking too much, but this looks like a good place to start!

S'mores Icebox Cake-- seriously looks like summer in a bowl.

Brownie Icebox Cake-- because summer is the only time of the year when I don't mind eating cold food.

Blackberry + Chocolate Ganache Cake

Coconut + Almond Flour Banana Bread-- this cooler weather makes me feel like fall baking is already upon us!

Cold-Brewed Iced Coffee-- I actually have made this a few times, and it's my favorite version thus far. (I don't dilute it as much as they say to, though.)

Crispy Salmon Burrito Bowls-- I'm not ONLY craving desserts right now. This bowl sounds phenomenal!

Blackberry Basil Smash Sandwiches-- I actually think these would still taste pretty good in a GF/DF version, with either Kite Hill Cream Cheese or Myokos Creamery Mozzarella for the cheese and Kim & Jake's artisan sandwich loaf for the bread!

Vegan Caprese Panini-- perfectly in season right now!

How to cook boneless skinless chicken breasts-- I always need new ideas for chicken!

Tahini Marinated Chicken Thighs with Cucumber Tomato Salad-- sounds like a nice change from typical BBQ menus.

Asian Beef and Cabbage-- for something different.

21 Chicken Breast Recipes Made for Meal Prep-- I want to be better at meal prep this year, so evenings are more calm around here!