Friday, January 17, 2014

19 Weeks and Grouchy

Nineteen weeks and I still don't feel like I look terribly pregnant when I wake up in the mornings. But once I eat breakfast, I'm shocked at how much my belly grows. I'll try to limit my babbling this week because it has been an emotional one: I knew pregnant women cried all the time, but I didn't expect to be so irritable, selfish, easily angered, and easily offended. I just hear myself talking sometimes and I wonder, why can't I stop talking?! And what happened to my filter? It's been really humbling.

I know most pregnant women also have a list of phrases that really bothers them and given my mood swings this week, I'm no exception. I thought I'd be a blissful pregnant woman, but I'm still working on some serious attitude adjustments. In the meantime, do not tell me I look too tiny to be __ weeks pregnant. Don't tell me, be careful, you don't want to gain too much weight! Don't advise me that I'm eating for two when I barely have self-control as it is. Don't insinuate that by working out, eating heated lunchmeat, or eating cooked sushi I don't care about my baby. Don't even tell me that healthy mom = healthy baby because then I will feel like an utter failure if anything ever goes wrong because that must mean that unhealthy mom = unhealthy baby. (See, I told you. Total brat.)

One other thing has been on my mind as we approach our next ultrasound... When people ask if we want a boy or a girl, we have been saying we don't care as long as it's healthy. But that phrase really really bothers me now. It sounds so conditional. If people only loved me when I was healthy, I would be very unloved. And if our baby needs special care, or is born early, or if we learn some sort of terrible news at this next ultrasound, I would like to think we'd love him or her all the more, right?

I worked three night shifts and three clinic shifts in the last 7 days, so it's safe to say my fatigue isn't improving, and while I'm functioning physically and intellectually on a shockingly small amount of sleep, I can't say that it's doing my emotions any favors. But let's end this on a positive note, because really this week really has been good overall.

The sweetest thing happened last Saturday. I woke up from my nap after working all night, and I made it all the way to the couch to lay down again. But at that point the baby started with some tiny, consistent little kicks on my right side. I could feel them inside and out, so I got Ross to come over, and he got to feel them too! It hasn't happened again yet, and most of the movement I feel is limited to vague shifting feelings when I'm bent over, or moving from an active to a resting position or vice versa. But I'll take what I can get! And I could tell Ross loved it. It's hard to believe this is all happening! We cannot grasp how completely our lives are going to change come June.

Symptoms: Other than the emotions, acne and evening nausea have flared up again this week. Starting to feel more movement, and more hip and lower back pain. Things are starting to readjust to prepare for baby. And it's so bizarre that a lot of the time, I can lay down, feel my stomach, and tell which corner the baby is hiding in! I'm looking forward to feeling more movement.

Cravings: Citrus fruit and sleep. Also, brownies-- I think I can blame sleep deprivation for that sugar craving!

Aversions: Mexican food. No idea why, since I've been loving it for weeks and weeks. Bland and/or sweet food sounds better this week.

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