Weeks 21 and 22

Time is FLYING. I'm sitting here well into week 23, feeling baby move daily, and losing track of how far along I am! I'm so so so thankful that the nausea is still 90% gone and, knock on wood, I've been healthy for a month straight!!! It makes a huge difference.

How big is baby? At our ultrasound at 21 weeks, baby's estimated weight was 1 lb 0 oz, the head circumference was 18.61 cm, and the abdomen was 17.05 cm around. It blows my mind how much growth happens in the second half of pregnancy! I know that technically the rate of growth actually slows down, compared to the first trimester. Yet, growing from a 1 lb baby to a (hopefully) 7 lb baby feels a whole lot more physically impactful than growing from the size of two cells to the size of a blueberry! This past weekend, Ross and I went to a homeschooling conference. There was a pro-life booth in the vendor hall with little models of babies at certain gestational ages. It was kind of cool to be 23 weeks pregnant and holding the 24 week model. There's a BABY in there!

Sex: It's a GIRL! With Noah, our guess was girl, and he's all boy. With this one, our guess was boy, and the ultrasound technician put the probe on my belly and said, "you're wrong again!" (I think Noah was kind of upset she said it that way, and he took it personally.) So once more, we were in shock. It took a few days to adjust to the idea, but we are so excited. We asked Noah what her name should be, and he said "Red." We'll work on that. But in the meantime, it's so fun to have a pronoun to use. My friend Rachel bought us our very first GIRLY cloth diaper a few days later, and it was so cute! And made everything feel even more real. 

Total weight gain/loss: I think at 21 weeks I was up 10 pounds? Feeling bigger every day now!

Exercise: Oh boy. I was really happy to be getting into a routine of Barre3 twice a week and walking once a week, greatly anticipating the walks increasing as the weather improved. But last week, we walked to BSF and it killed my hips. I'm definitely struggling with this. Walks with Noah are my very favorite part of our summer routine, and I'm so so sad that they might not happen this summer. 

Stretch marks: None yet, knock on wood. I somehow didn't get them with Noah?! But I haven't been as vigilant with almond oil this time, so we will see.

Swelling: Just yes. It's really uncomfortable. Not sure what I'm going to do when it's too hot for compression hose! Getting a massage next week, so I really hope that helps for a bit.

Maternity clothes: Exclusively. I even had to switch to a maternity tank for pajamas since my belly was getting cold in my old PJ shirts!

Sleep: It's fairly decent (aka fitful, lots of vivid dreams, and lots of potty breaks, but otherwise sleeping through the night). About every other night, I'll have a bout of insomnia after waking up to pee, either around 2am or 5am. This lasts anywhere from 30 to 90 minutes, but it could be so much worse. I'm SO GLAD I'm not working night shift this pregnancy!

Food cravings: This is so bizarre to me. I remember last time, when food sounded good, it sounded REALLY good! This time, food still mostly just sounds tolerable, or most definitively not at all. Onions, cooked or raw, have become a definitive no right now. They do not sit well. If I'm craving anything, it's slightly tart tropical fruit like pineapple and mango. And also the gluten free lemon bars at Dolce. A few weeks ago, baby must've had a growth spurt because I was craving chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. But nothing too intense, random, or consistent. 

Symptoms: Enjoying a bit of a sweet spot at the moment. I only get nauseated if I get too hungry, and my fatigue is okay as long as I'm not awake for the day at 2am. Biggest symptom is still swelling and pelvic pain this week, and I'm fighting a lot of discouragement on that front, along with sorrow that my "last summer with Noah" won't look quite like I'd hoped.

Movement: Yes! Consistently in the morning and evening, and sometimes more often. The other night, Noah got to feel a few kicks during bedtime stories. The look on his face was sheer delight!

What I'm loving: I love looking pregnant and feeling the baby move. Pregnancy is such a unique season of life and growth, and I do want to soak it up. Even though I know I don't know what life is going to look like in a few months when our family totally changes, I do know everyone says your heart just expands to make room for the next baby. So much love.

What I'm looking forward to: Feeling more big kicks and rolls! And having my gestational diabetes test behind me.

Best moment this week: Seeing baby on ultrasound two weeks ago was really sweet. We got to see her little profile and her little hands and feet and it all just feels so much more real. It's also cute to hear Noah use his "baby sister" voice, and to hear him start to include her in things already. And he notices babies everywhere. I'm so excited for these two to meet!

26 Weeks, 27 Weeks, and Adios Second Trimester!

Twenty Six

I am growing! Stretching and growing so quickly is a bit painful and exhausting. At the end of the day I can literally feel my abs splitting a little more down the middle and it's completely bizarre and unpleasant. Just one more crazy aspect of the experience of pregnancy, I suppose. I've been too tired to cook dinner after work every single night this week, but Ross has been great about picking up the slack. This weekend is the first full weekend I've had off in MONTHS and I'm really hoping to catch up on sleep!

That being said, night shift + pregnancy has really messed with my sleep schedule, and I've been having morning insomnia lately. I fall asleep the minute I get into bed, and sure I wake up tons to go to the bathroom (but to be honest, that was the case even when I wasn't pregnant), but then I wake up for seemingly no reason between 3-5am and CANNOT FALL BACK ASLEEP. It's driving me crazy, and driving me into bed exhausted earlier and earlier each night (that is, unless I'm working that night). During the first trimester, I would wake up at that time hungry and I'd grab a granola bar and chug some water and fall back asleep. Now, not even that helps.

Carbs remain my go-to for the constant hunger I've been having (I also notice a huge carb increase when I'm tired). They're not always the healthiest option, but they're certainly the fastest way to get food into my system when I'm hungry and busy! That being said, I inhaled two boxed of Peanut Butter Panda Puffs and one box of Trader Joe's gluten-free pancakes on top of normal meals this week, which isn't a habit I really want to get into (for $$$ and blood sugar reasons).

Buuut speaking of blood sugar, Ross and I tried Immaculate Baking Company's Gluten Free Fudge Brownie Cookie Dough Cookies last week and we bought another pack this week. I mean, wow. They're good. I think I'd be craving these pregnant or not!

...Minsky's GF veggie pizza has been sounding really good lately, too...

Twenty Seven

I went to accupuncture regularly prior to pregnancy, and I went frequently during my first trimester. (I truly think that's why it went so smoothly). I felt pretty good going into the second trimester, so between that and major money and time constraints, I stopped going for a few months. I finally started again this week and I think it's helped my sleep! I only wake up about 30 minutes before the alarm now! Daylight savings time has also "helped" my insomnia. Now when I wake up at "5am" it's actually 6am which is much more reasonable! We will see how all of this changes after I work night shift tonight.

At the start of this week, I was nervous I just wasn't feeling as much movement as I had been. Of course, it's still a tad early for the "count-10-kicks-every-2-hours" drama, but he had just moved so much before, and Ross hadn't been able to feel movement for a week or so. I think the baby had flipped to face my back, though, because when I did feel movement, it was usually a kick or punch to an internal organ and not visible from the outside (by the way... feeling something kick your bladder from the inside is just weird). Thankfully, he started moving more mid-week again. Maybe he was just exhausted like I was?

This week also saw two huge milestones:
1. We closed on a house!
2. March 13 marked the official 3 month countdown to the due date! Yikes! As my friend Alyson recently said, "Seems like an awful long time to get bigger, but at the same time no time at all when it comes to welcoming an entirely new chapter of life!"

Second Trimester Recap

I completely cannot believe how quickly the second trimester went. It was a busy season with the holidays and winter blues and house hunting and lots of eating and lots of working, but yeah. I'm a little terrified at how quickly this little munchkin's arrival month is approaching. Before we know it, he will be here and flip our world upside down! I want to savor these last few months of pregnancy and of 'life as I know it.'

Random pregnancy things that happened during the second tri that I may or may not have mentioned in previous posts (some benign, some unpleasant, and one surprisingly awesome side effect of pregnancy):

-linea negra
-diastasis recti
-fatigue
-endless hunger
-endless thirst (I easily drink 5+ liters of water a day)
-morning insomnia
-nasal congestion
-My hands simply don't work sometimes. I drop everything. My hands don't hurt, they're not numb, and they're not swollen, they just don't seem to listen to my brain!
-swelling (but not in my hands or feet yet, thankfully)
-nesting (lots of making and urgently plowing through to-do-lists on the rare day off)
-hair and nails still seem to be growing quickly
-hip and back pain
-Apparently I'm just going to lock my car keys in the car once a trimester?
-There's supposedly a second trimester 'relief' from having to pee all the time, but I didn't get that. Then again, I've always been well-hydrated, so I'm used to the bathroom trips. And I can now say that kicks to the bladder aren't entirely pleasant and don't help matters.
-Braxton-Hicks contractions-- sometimes painless, sometimes not
-the complete irrationality and over-emotional rollercoaster of the first trimester has thankfully subsided in the last few months
-Some IBS relief! I have no idea if this is pregnancy related, or related to the fact that this is the longest I've consecutively taken probiotics, but it's AWESOME. I've been switching probiotic strands every few months, but so far Culturelle has been the most successful. Like, a night and day difference in my symptoms.
-Asthma seems to be at my typical winter level right now, which means it's great. The only good thing about winter, as far as I'm concerned, is the break I get from pollen! I'm curious to see how spring goes with a baby on board.

This really isn't a list of complaints. I just wanted to jot them down to remember. Most of these symptoms are a cause or effect of the super rapid growth experienced in the second trimester (especially from weeks 22-27 for me). That's a lot of change in not a lot of time!

Overall, the second trimester saw a gradual decrease in emotional discomforts related to pregnancy, and an gradual increase in physical discomforts. But I love having reassurance that there's a baby in there now!

25 weeks: Already?!

I know I'm a broken record, but this week went by alarmingly fast. And did you know that we're buying a house and renovating and adding an addition, all supposedly before baby comes in June? Nothing like the last minute...

In the meantime, this week was a lot better on the pregnancy front. I was able to work through some of the emotions below the surface in last week's update, and I also feel physically better. I'm tired from lack of sleep, but my intrinsic energy level has gone back up a bit, if that makes any sense at all? Like last week I couldn't work out or anything. I was just drained. But this week has been business as usual, even though I'm sleep-deprived.

Meanwhile, baby must've packed on the ounces last week because I can tell he's really short on space in there this week as my body races to catch up with him.

just 2 weeks of growth!

Baby Development: Baby weighs approximately 1.5 lbs now, and hanging out with a NICU baby of a similar size this week just reinforced my gratitude that this one is tucked away safe and sound, as much as I'd love to see what he looks like now! (I don't know, maybe it's weird, maybe it's the NICU nurse in me, but I'm fascinated at the thought of what he looks like as he moves around right now. I feel like preemies come out looking like little old men, and you really get an idea of what they'll look like once they outgrow their baby fat! BUT I'm obviously willing to wait 'til he has baby fat to see what he really looks like.) Also entertaining... the little guy used to only be active after I ate or when I laid down, but now he's starting to get squirmy when I'm hungry. Either the growling stomach wakes him up, or he's reminding me to eat sooner rather than later!

Cravings: Still hankering for a Lamar's double chocolate donut, but a Minsky's GF pizza sounds amazing, too.

Pregnancy Symptoms: Hunger! Also, there's lots of stretching going on pretty much everywhere between my ribs and hips and it's a bit uncomfortable some days. Nothing terrible, just... weird.

Which could really just sum up the whole journey thus far, right?

oh, and my winter coat is getting pretty snug too. c'mon, spring!

The Futility of Grasping at Straws

This week went by in the blink of an eye, but I feel gratitude slipping in to quiet the anxious heart I wore on my sleeve last week. I must apologize for last week's insecure rant about pregnant weight gain. I'm growing a baby. I'm going to gain weight. It's not that I don't know that, or don't expect that, it's just that wow-- my hunger is out of control like never before. It's a little frightening to me. It's a creature all its own sometimes. Over the years I've grown quite familiar with my own body and its needs, but all that packed-away knowledge has been flipped on its head since getting pregnant.

I was listening to a (quite skinny) co-worker discuss her 1200 calorie daily allotment the other day, and instead of making me feel inferior or jealous, it made me sad. When I limited myself to "1200" calories a day, I was a lost, cold, confused high school sophomore unknowingly being eaten alive by the irrational monster that is anorexia.

Even though I'd physically recovered by my senior year of high school, I spent most of college counting calories. Constantly trying to see how much food I could eat to try to fill the gaping hole inside of me, without gaining more weight. I would occasionally binge eat, I would often exist on "diet" foods with little nutritional value, and the worth of my entire day hinged on how "well" I did or didn't eat.

When I went "over" on my calories (set at a much more reasonable goal by then), I usually went way over and then felt a deep sense of shame and loss of control that made me physically uncomfortable in my own skin. It even made me long for the days of self-control and restrictive eating, but the more I tried to restrict, the more I overate.

This isn't to say that these thoughts consumed me all day every day. By and large college was a wonderful experience and I made some great memories with new friends. I learned so much about the world and about myself. I wouldn't trade that time for anything! But alone and at night and when I was stressed out, the food/shame thoughts are the ones I would turn to time and time again.

But by the end of college, I had grown tired of the game. Tired of the mental math. Tired of not tasting my food. I started trying to eat one fruit or vegetable at every meal, and I started to feel better. I also started working out again consistently. It's no coincidence that this phase of recovery occurred once I graduated college. Nursing school had become so... oppressive... for lack of a better word. I'd had some verbally abusive clinical instructors and I, the previous honors student who loved to study, felt like a worthless outcast amidst my intelligent friends by the time we graduated.

Note the recurring theme of disappointment and self-worth based on superficial things like grades and calories. How I wish someone had stepped in years ago and said, "you are worth so much more than what you eat! Your body may be a temple for your soul, but it's not an idol to be worshiped." Because even at its worst, metaphorical self-flagellation is still self-worship, right? It's saying that your body is the most important thing and everything else in your life revolves around how well you can control your physical self. But alas, no one said that to me back then. Or if they did, I wasn't ready to hear it.

About 6 months after college graduation, I read Animal, Vegetable, Miracle and it really changed the way I thought about food. It brought me back to some of the things I knew in childhood: real food comes from the ground or can be made in your own kitchen with a few ingredients. Fresh food really does taste best. Kingsolver's novel simplified food in a way that had nothing to do with calories or diet plans, and I found a lot of freedom in that. I started going to the farmer's market, making fresh meals, and enjoying how food tasted.

I've been more or less in that realm ever since: focused on how food tastes and how it makes me feel more than how many calories it contains. But I will admit that old habits die hard. When life starts to grow out of control, as life does, I start grasping at straws and trying to control any little thing I can. Sometimes I don't even realize things are getting hectic until I see myself writing out what I've eaten that day. I have to remind myself that even when I did perfectly control my diet and my body, I wasn't happy. That's not the answer.

I may not have been ready to hear that even 3 short years ago, but I'm glad I can see it now. Control, once tasted, is hard to relinquish. Even harder when our society tells us that self-control is king. I'm thankful that over the past two years, I've experienced the most freedom I've ever had from my old disordered thoughts surrounding food. It's not that they're gone, but I've been so busy doing internal heart work that by and large, meals have become rote and body image has become secondary. Which is why I was somehow surprised... not when I got pregnant and the scale started to swing toward numbers I hadn't seen in a long time, but when my reaction to the weight gain was so severe.

I was really hard on myself for gaining 4-5 pounds right off the bat. Then I was disappointed when, early in the second trimester, I reached my previous highest-ever weight before I really had a baby belly to show for it. It led to internal confusion and, sadly, it resurrected that old shame. Not pride and awe in this awesome thing that God had allowed me to participate in, but shame that I wasn't being the perfect pregnant lady and that I was already being a selfish mom, somehow choosing food over the health of my baby. Or embarrassment as I wondered if wishing that I wasn't gaining so much weight was tantamount to being ungrateful for this gift of life.

Ironically, this week has been National Eating Disorders Awareness Week and I read an incredibly thoughtful post this morning that made me think back to where this all began. I'm filled with sadness over the years I lost to such futile, vain thinking, and obsessive calorie-counting. But I also feel gratitude that I've come to a place in the past two years where I don't consciously identify myself as an "eating disorder survivor" or anything like that. I'm so glad that even in pregnancy (and the ridiculous irrationality of the first trimester), I'm eventually able to step back and recognize that those thoughts don't belong to me. Shame isn't welcome here. I am not a machine that runs on calories alone, and my identity is not based on my intake.

I didn't actually sit down at the computer intending to share ALL of that, but there it is, I guess. A 12-year story of a girl's relationship with food, summed up into several tidy little embarrassing paragraphs. What I DID sit down to do was to share this post. Even if you've never had an eating disorder, I highly recommend reading it. The post is about orthorexia, which can be defined as the tendency to assume that every single physical symptom is a direct result of something we’ve eaten.

There is obviously some merit to the idea that diet is related to physical and emotional well-being. We all know that a well-balanced diet will give you energy, and a diet filled with empty calories will leave you drained. As someone who struggles with allergies, asthma, and IBS, I know there is an undeniable tie between certain foods and my physical symptoms. Certain people really don't tolerate certain foods.

But orthorexia is bigger than that, and it's certainly the trap I'm more likely to fall into these days, as opposed to restricting or binging. I'm very comfortable with the fact that gluten and dairy really do have tangible effects on my health. But grains, starches, and sugars have inhabited a gray area for me for a while. They're things I feel like I should eat less of, but I don't necessarily feel better or worse when I eat them in moderation. Ergo, I shouldn't beat myself up about it, pregnant or not!

I love the takeaway points from that blog post: Your body may be more resilient than you think it is. Be discerning with what you read. Variety is healthy. "Healthy" goes beyond nutrition. Eating healthily is not a black or white affair and it can look a little different from person to person.

That was the kick in the pants I needed to remember that my body is doing something it's never done before, and while it's not the be-all-end-all, my body deserves a little respect. I'm growing a baby. He's obviously going through a growth spurt and consequently, I am too. When I'm hungry, I eat what I can until I'm satiated, and 80-90% of the time I'm making pretty healthy choices. As long as I'm comfortable with this, the number on the scale is relative. Since I've not been 24 weeks pregnant before, I really have no idea what to expect. All I can do is try to respect the process and to learn wise freedom as the control I thought I had is taken away a little more each day that this little nugget grows.

To end on a positive note, this week I felt so empowered at the gym. I'm finally visibly pregnant and it's encouraging when people say, "you're awesome!" and tell me that I inspired them to push harder during their workout because if I can do it, so can they. Meanwhile, I refuse to be bothered by the guy who said, "good for you working out and not using pregnancy as an excuse to gain 30 pounds" because, well, I do still expect to gain 30 pounds over the course of a healthy pregnancy, despite working out. Maybe even more than 30 pounds if that's what it takes. But my self-worth is not set at an inverse relationship with the number on the scale. Not now, and not ever.

24 Weeks: Busy and Hungry

24 weeks came and went in a blur of work. I'm getting a little tired of my crazy schedule. I'm not working more than 40 hours a week, but I am switching back and forth between home visits and 12-hour shifts and days and nights and healthy babies and sick babies. It's pretty chaotic. But I should mention that Ross has been completely awesome! I try not to complain too much, and overall most of the pregnancy changes fascinate me instead of bothering me, but I had two really long and physically difficult days in the NICU on Thursday and Friday and I got this text Friday afternoon:

He's taking such good care of us already!

But back to the beginning of the week... I was sore and tired and just ached all over on Tuesday, and Wednesday I woke up and felt like the belly grew overnight! I'm hungry ALL the time and I'm starting to get lightheaded and nauseated if I don't eat every 2 hours or so. It's actually a little frustrating with the aforementioned busy schedule. I end up grabbing sugary snacks more than I'd like to, because they're convenient, even though I don't feel great afterwards.

Baby's movements continue to get bigger and they're so fun to feel! I'm incredibly nostalgic and I'm already well aware that you only get to feel a baby moving inside of you for so many months of your life, and there's really no way to capture the feeling or replicate it! Still so weird, but so cool.  It's hard to believe the scrawny 24-weeker inside of me can make such big movements that are even visible from the outside.

Baby is about as long as an ear of corn, or the size of a canteloupe all curled up, which I can believe. He supposedly gained 6 ounces in the last week alone! (And I gained, like, 2 pounds. Blah.) I've been gaining weight slow and steady overall, but I think I'm about to start gaining a lot more rapidly, which is a little uncomfortable. I didn't physically feel like I was carrying extra weight until this week. Now suddenly all my joints hurt and I feel so heavy, like I gained all of that weight overnight instead of over 5+ months.

I'm a little stressed about my weight gain this week, actually. All along, I've been riding the top of the appropriate weight gain curve, and it's a little aggravating to feel like I have no control over it. I'm certainly not cramming food in, or consciously "eating for two." In fact, it's been nice to feel and acknowledge hunger cues instead of eating based on what time of the day it is. I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full! I can't fit much in at one sitting, so I'm eating small meals/snacks frequently. I've gained 4 pounds in the last 3 weeks which is not surprising because I'm constantly eating. Yet... wow that's a lot of weight. I do feel like my belly is visibly growing at least, which helps me not mind it as much, but it's still nerve-wracking. I'm sure it'll even out in the long run, and as long as I'm keeping baby healthy it's all worth it. But I've taught too many diabetic education classes to not be a little anxious ;-) Also, I know that the healthier I am during pregnancy, the easier recovery will be.

22 weeks vs. 24 weeks. Pictures don't really do the growth justice!

In light of weight gain, I know I said I "popped" last week, but I think it was really on Wednesday of this week. Perfect strangers have now asked if I'm pregnant and when I'm due. (Sometimes I feel the devil tempting me to say, "oh I'm not pregnant," or "due for what?" to really make the other person uncomfortable. Ha! But actually, I'm excited that I look outwardly pregnant now.) Last week I also started having Braxton-Hicks contractions, which are totally bizarre. Usually painless, sometimes not. Labor is going to be... fun?

At 24 weeks pregnant, even imagining going into labor right now is hard to fathom. I have a new empathy for our NICU mamas who deliver too soon. No wonder they seem so shell-shocked! Having a baby right now is so unexpected. I'd feel so unprepared.

Cravings: Back to sushi, Chinese food, and Lulu's Thai food. Although I don't know that they're cravings so much as flat-out hunger.  Everything sounds good! One thing I can't get out of my mind is a double chocolate cake donut from Lamar's. I'm trying to wait it out, but there may be a gluten indulgence and subsequent stomachache in my future...

Looking forward to:
My GTT and 28 week labs. I know, I'm weird. And as much as I want time to SLOW DOWN, I'm also excited for our 28 week ultrasound! Really trying to savor one day at a time, though. There will always be next steps and milestones to reach. There won't always be today-- growling stomach, little kicks and rolls, hip pain, and all.

Anxious about:
-How quickly time is moving. I feel like A LOT has to happen between now and June and the weeks are just whizzing by.
-Also feeling a little unprepared for the fact that our lives will never be the same in 4 short months... I'm pretty selfish with the little bit of downtime I do get, and Ross and I are used to being just the two of us. It'll be weird to have our Saturday errands and last-minute dinners out interrupted with such a big life change. (Not that we're not excited! It's just hard to wrap your head around.)
-The aforementioned ultrasound. Praying that my placenta looks better this time and that baby is growing well.
-Please don't talk about stillbirths or cord knots around me. I've heard these words used too much this past week, and they terrify me.

Thankful for:
-A viable pregnancy and an active baby! Seriously. The first half of pregnancy was a hormonal and emotional mess, and I'm so glad the mood swings are starting to even out now. I'm starting to feel a bit more sane now that I look and feel pregnant, too. Can. Not. Wait. To meet this little guy.
-Ross. He's been such a good listener when I do complain, and he really is taking good care of us. He's also such a good sport every time I tell him to come feel the baby move, even though half the time the baby makes me a liar and stops moving then!
-My compression tights. They are a huge hassle to hand-wash every night, and a struggle to put on every morning, but my swelling and pain is so much worse on the days I don't wear them!

23 Weeks: Viability and Visibility

I have to confess that the NICU nurse in me breathes a sigh of relief today. We've reached theoretical viability at last! I can actually picture holding this baby curled up in my cupped hands like so many tiny ones I've helped care for. While we are in no way ready to meet him just yet, it's nice to know he faces a bit of a fighting chance should he choose to come early.

This was a fun week, thanks in part to our awesome long weekend in San Diego, but thanks also to the ever-increasing movement I feel! I haven't been able to detect a sleep/wake pattern yet, and the only consistent times I notice movement are when I wake up in the morning and when I lay down at night. But I think I'm also starting to notice movement about 15 minutes after snacking on chocolate chip larabars when I'm hungry at work. He loves those things! (Although that seemed pretty evident as early as our 12 week ultrasound when I ate one on the way into the doctor's office and 15 minutes later we saw him literally bouncing off the walls in there.)

This past Saturday night, baby must've been in a particularly good mood. Either that, or we'd had such an active day that he was thrilled when I stopped moving so he could start! I was laying down after a delicious dinner and he was squirming so much. It's corny, but Ross and I just laid there feeling him move for a good 5-10 minutes. It started with a few big kicks on my right side, and then a flurry of activity with what must've been his hands on the left side. It felt like popcorn popping in my stomach, which was bizarre and hilarious. So thanks for putting on a show, little one. It was such a treat for us to feel so close to you that night!

This past Wednesday, I think it's safe to say I "popped"? I've been going to the same Body Pump class almost every single week for 2+ years. This week, though, my classmates and instructor were all suddenly like, "you're pregnant? We had no idea!" It was actually really fun and the first visual acknowledgement that there may be something in there besides a spare tire. I can lay down at night and poke around and feel bones and stuff. In my stomach! So weird.

On the pregnancy symptom front, things are getting marginally rougher. I thought that as long as I avoided gaining too much weight and didn't develop high blood pressure, I wouldn't have much swelling until the very end. Joke's on me. Turns out that my blood pressure has gotten so low during pregnancy (like 90s/60s) that blood is pooling in my lower body thanks to gravity and it can't adequately return to the heart the way it should... thus leading to swelling. I started noticing it around 15 weeks and since then I have developed some painful vericose veins. I got to go to an awesome pelvic rehab class at work and talked to the physical therapist there. (Did you know that there are physical therapist specializing in women's health?! I now know to recommend seeing one during pregnancy, not just afterwards!) She suggested some specific compression tights for me-- not just socks or shorts, but the whole shebang. Good thing it's winter! I finally bought them on Tuesday, and Wednesday was my first full day wearing them. They cost an arm and a leg, so I'm expecting miracles here. The PT said to give it a week of wearing them all day every day to see if they're helping.

That being said, this seems like as good a time as any to mention that in the last few weeks, I've been very grateful for the fact that I have access to good healthcare. Even as I struggle with the seemingly difficult decision of changing providers and deciding where I want to deliver, I can't help but realize that no option I'm considering is a bad one. I am so incredibly blessed to have the options I have. I live close to a good hospital should anything go wrong between now and June, and even little things, like a physical therapist suggesting support hose, are such a blessing. That I live in a place that offers good care providers who can help me deal with the little things as well as the big things, is something I don't ever want to take for granted.

22 Weeks: On the Move

To clarify, since I'm starting to confuse myself: I post these on the day I "turn" the number of weeks in the post title. So today I'm 22 weeks pregnant, and this post sums up 20w0d through 21w6d. I didn't forsee this happening, but I'm actually starting to lose track of how far along I am! This morning I had to go to my trusty Med Calc to figure out my dates.

Anyway, this past week started with my first bout of nesting. I painted my nails for the first time in ages and when I was picking out my nail polish, the messy bathroom drawer bothered me so much that I ended up throwing half of the stuff away and completely re-organizing the top two drawers before I got around to actually doing my nails.

Ross and I also had a fun date night that same night: we went to my favorite farmer's market to stock up on local, grass-fed meat, and then we ate dinner at the best vegan restaurant in town. Ironic, no? I haven't been craving anything in particular, but I've been quite hungry for warm, filling, healthy, savory foods. That dinner definitely fit the bill!

It's so weird that baby can taste amniotic fluid now, so he gets a hint of whatever I eat. I'm hoping for the best and preparing for the worst when it comes to his food preferences. I'm assuming that despite the variety in my diet, I'll end up with a picky eater- ha! If he likes all the food like I do, I will consider myself very lucky. (And here's hoping his intestines like all foods, too-- unlike mine.) Baby can also (hopefully) hear sounds and be startled by loud noises. Aw!

Speaking of baby, he's the size of a papaya this week and he has certainly made his presence known at last!!! It seems like it was an overnight change: I very occasionally felt him moving as early as Christmas, but it wasn't every day and it wasn't anything big. I knew that around week 20 he could make conscious movements like sucking his thumb or changing his position, and we saw plenty of movement on our last ultrasound, but I hadn't felt much of it yet.

Then the day we "turned" 21 weeks, I felt a swift kick in my side. I can't even explain how surreal and definitive that thump was. I happened to be laying down, so I even saw it from the outside! The next day I went to listen to him at work and he kicked exactly where I placed the doppler! Twice! I've felt very distinct movement every day since then and it's so weird and so absolutely amazing. Thanks to an anterior placenta, it's still rare to feel movement in the middle of my belly, but I can tell where his feet and hands are in the periphery and it's really cool. I love that every time he moves, it reminds me that he's there, and reassures me that he seems to be doing okay.

I think that change alone has made pregnancy so much more real for me. Well, that, and the fact that I can now wear maternity shirts without feeling like a complete idiot. My regular shirts are wayyy too short (which is saying a lot, because my torso isn't that long). But maternity shirts still seem pretty long and the bump is relatively tiny in them. Just give us time, I guess.

This is the first week I've started to feel physically pregnant in regards to a baby bump. I rolled over on my stomach to read in bed one night and it felt like I had rolled over onto a baby. Kind of alarming! I won't be doing that again. My range of motion in regards to twisting my torso and bending over is starting to decrease now, and I kind of grunt thanks to forced air exhalation when I do either of those things. Super attractive and bound to get worse before it gets better. I actually don't mind at all-- it's just embarrassing to sound like I'm having so much troubling picking up whatever I dropped. I drop things often!

Speaking of breathing, did you know your lung capacity expands by up to 30-40% during the second trimester, allowing my body to carry more oxygen to the placenta and remove more carbon dioxide? To accommodate for this, the rib cage increases 2-3 inches in circumference even before the baby gets high enough to push anything out. As someone with asthma who often feels like they can't take a full breath, this has been a welcome relief. I feel like I can breathe so deeply now!

My allergy and asthma doctor says that 1/3 of women find that their asthma worsens during pregnancy, 1/3 of women find that it stays the same, and 1/3 of women find that asthma improves during pregnancy. It's too early for me to call a definitive verdict on which camp I'm in, but so far so good. I feel confident saying that thus far, my asthma has certainly not gotten worse. Fingers crossed it stays this way. I like being able to take deep breaths! That being said, I know there will come a day when the baby is so squished in there that he starts pushing on my lungs and making it harder to breathe. I'll be enjoying my deep breaths until then!

All in all, this was a fun week.  I'm starting to get my energy back thanks to iron supplements, and I feel a bit pregnant, but not miserably so. Time seems to be moving more quickly now!

21 Weeks: Exercise During Pregnancy

When I was at Body Pump this morning I noticed the bar was starting to consistently hit the bump on my clean and presses and I realized I'd been incredibly lucky so far with working out during pregnancy. I thought I'd write about how it's gone for the first 21 weeks, knowing it could all change any day now!

This summer, I think I was in the best shape I'd been in since high school. I was also eating plenty, so I don't think I necessarily looked more fit than I had in the past, but I felt strong, I had endurance, I looked forward to working out, and I wasn't injured for the first time in years! (I credit the chiropractor 100%).

Before leaving for Slovenia, I was in a groove of happily working out 4-5 days a week. The mix usually included 1-2 runs, 1-2 Body Pump classes, and/or 1-2 swim workouts. I think the combo of cardio, strength training, and low-impact swimming was a good one for my body, emotionally and physically.

I didn't work out while we were in Slovenia, but we did do lots of walking. The week we got back, I was sick as a dog with laryngitis so I think I went to 1 Body Pump class? The week after that, I could definitely tell that my inactivity was taking a toll emotionally and physically, but I had that positive pregnancy test in the back of my mind and I was a little nervous about messing something up.

After reading in numerous books, though, that exercise was okay-- good for the baby, in fact-- I knew I needed to get back in the routine. The general school of thought is that as long as you were in a routine of working out pre-pregnancy, there's no reason you can't maintain that as long as you feel okay with it in pregnancy. Even the old rule of keeping your heart rate below 140 isn't really applicable anymore. Instead, they recommend going by how you feel: if you're dizzy, lightheaded, or feel like your heart is racing, stop.

Now we know that there are many benefits of exercise during pregnancy, for both mom and baby.  Safe, moderate exercise improves mood/body image, helps maintain a healthy weight gain, strengthens muscles, and prepares the body for childbirth.  Some studies have demonstrated a link between exercise and a lower risk for complications like gestational diabetes and preeclampsia.  Furthermore, “Previous research has indicated that exercise in the first trimester, when the placenta is formed, helps forge extra blood vessels so that there is more opportunity to exchange nutrients between mom and baby” (source). And last, but certainly not least, when the mom exercises, the baby’s heart benefits, too – resulting in a lower and more efficient fetal heart rate (source). 

Sounds good, right? The CDC actually recommends that healthy women get at least 150 minutes (2 hours and 30 minutes) per week of moderate-intensity aerobic activity, such as brisk walking, during and after their pregnancy. Furthermore, they say that healthy women who already do vigorous-intensity aerobic activity, such as running, or large amounts of activity can continue doing so during and after their pregnancy provided they stay healthy and discuss with their health care provider how and when activity should be adjusted over time.

I keep reminding myself that if I think it's hard to fit in a workout now, it's going to be infinitely harder to fit one in after the baby is born! For now, it gives me something tangible to do to take care of the baby and to take care of me.

I've been aiming for 3-4 workouts a week, and barring bad work weeks and sickness, I've been fortunate enough to make that happen so far. So far, my workouts have been a mix of running (now elliptical), Body Pump, and Zumba. I have a feeling these will start to transition toward walking, swimming, Body Pump, and yoga as I get farther along.

In the first trimester, it was HARD to drag myself to the gym, but working out got rid of my nausea every single time. I did notice things starting to get harder as my blood volume expanded, but I was able to make small modifications during those workouts to get through without a problem. Now that I'm in the second trimester, I've been reaping the benefits of extra energy without (too much) extra weight holding me back yet. (Although I do tell myself that pregnancy weight gain has been a good way to raise my squat weight without adjusting the bar- ha!) As long as I remember to bring water to the gym and eat right after my workout, I'm good to go. At this point, many workouts are more mental than emotional, and I figure it's good practice for labor... you can't quit because you're tired then, right?!

Sadly, I did have to stop running around 15 weeks when my IT band started to hurt again. I was hoping pregnancy would loosen that sucker up, but I think in loosening my hips, it actually put more stress on my IT band. I started tilting my chest press bench at 18 weeks, and I stopped doing situps at 19 weeks and switched to side planks + a few Pilates moves during the abs portion of class. At 19 weeks I also noticed the bump starting to get in the way of my clean and presses.  It's not affecting my form yet, but it'll be a little bittersweet when it does. The upside is that when we do deadlift rows, I don't have to pull as far to get the bar to my belly button ;-)

If I've learned anything in the last 21 weeks of working out, it's that I'm not in control of my body nearly as much as I think I am. It's been really weird to watch the scale rise when I'm working out and eating more or less the same. But I love that it's something baby and I can do "together" right now that's good for both of us.

---

Cravings: Vegetables! I have eating way too many grains and way too few vegetables this week. It's hard for me to eat a lot of greens in the winter anyway, but it's also hard because not everything is appealing all the time and sometimes the thought of forcing vegetables down keeps me from even trying. We're going to Cafe Gratitude for dinner tonight and I'm so excited... veggies always seem to taste better when someone else prepares them!


Aversions: I haven't really had any for weeks, but this week the aforementioned vegetables haven't been too appealing. My nausea has also started coming and going, although it's not nearly at first trimester proportions. I think there's been a major hormonal swing and growth spurt going on.



Overall: Last week was EXTREMELY emotional, and this week I've noticed the return of a few first trimester symptoms, telling me that perhaps my growth spurt prediction from last week did indeed happen. The scale jumped up 2 pounds (no doubt because I'm hungry and eating every 1-2 hours), parents at work (who knew I was pregnant) have started commenting that it's visible in scrubs now, and I can feel baby moving more and more-- Ross is even able to feel occasional movement when I lay down in the evening giving the baby the freedom to move around.

I can tell my abs and my skin are stretching. I used to joke that with my IBS, if I ate something that didn't disagree with me, I looked 5 months pregnant thanks to bloating. Now I know that's not quite true. Bloating is really uncomfortable, higher up on my torso, and painful but possible to suck it in and get my jeans on. Now I know that for me, 5 months pregnant ACTUALLY looks like a round but hard lower abdomen that's visible when I lay down at night and I can't suck it in for the life of me. It's looking normal from the front but foreign from the side. It's not minding nearly as much as I thought I would when I hit a new weight bracket on the scale, officially surpassing my highest-ever weight. It's feeling pretty foreign from the ribs down, but looking fairly normal from the ribs up. My OB said this week that she thinks 20-week uteruses (uteri?) are the cutest thing ever and I might have to agree. It's so distinct, but still so tiny! I think I'm finally reaching the point where I'm starting to feel pregnant in a good way, and it makes me so happy!

I'm starting to understand people who say they looove pregnancy. Last week's ultrasound took an awfully long time to sink in, but now I'm starting to believe that that baby boy, the one who has been growing away for 21 weeks, is actually in there. I absolutely love him and we cannot wait to meet him!

20 Weeks: It's a BOY!

We had our ultrasound on Wednesday and we were shocked to find out we're definitely having a boy! We got some sweet shots of his little face and feet, and a few good 3D images as well. My favorite sonographer from my old clinic ended up calling us back and I was thrilled. I knew that if anything was remotely off, she'd find it, which gave me some peace of mind going in.

Honestly, it was such a monumental and emotional moment for us that it's going to take some time to process it, but it was so fun to share that surreal, emotional moment with Ross. We love having a pronoun to use now, instead of saying "he/she," "it," or "the baby" all the time. It seems much more real, yet it's still incredibly hard to believe that there's a legit baby folded up and chilling out in there. He's changed so much since our 12 week sono!

The ultrasound also confirmed my suspicion that I have an anterior placenta, meaning there's a nice big cushion between my abdominal wall and the baby, which keeps me from feeling a ton of movement. I feel more movement every day, but it's still around the edges of my belly more than in the middle.

After the sono appointment we went to Pottery Barn Kids with a little bit of store credit we had and things really became more real when, instead of wandering the whole store imagining things, we knew we had to stick to the boy side. We're having a baby boy!!!

Afterwards, we celebrated with a serendipitously-planned dinner at Capital Grille for restaurant week! It was a really fun way to mark the occasion, and the Caesar salad, mashed potatoes, and flourless chocolate cake totally hit the spot. (It was one of the few times in my life I really craved a glass of red wine. I did not partake that night, but I think I will next time!)



The night before our ultrasound we decided to look at old wives tales just for kicks. Of course, all of these have a 50/50 chance of being right. We were kind of convinced it was a girl going into this week, but when the majority of the old wives tales pointed to boy, we started to realize hey- that's still a possibility. Of course, there's no doubt in our minds now that he's a boy!

Here are a few of the less ridiculous old wives' tales, and our corresponding answers:

-If you're carrying high and round, it's a girl. If you're carrying low and pointy, it's a boy. (BOY)

-If baby's heart rate is above 140 it's a girl, if it's below 140 it's a boy. (GIRL)

-If your hair becomes thinner, it's a girl. If it becomes thicker, it's a boy. (BOY)

-If you're craving sweets, it's a girl. If you're craving salty or sour foods, it's a boy. (BOY)

-If you have morning sickness, it's a girl. If you don't, it's a boy. (UNDECIDED. I definitely had nausea, but I never threw up.)

-If you break out more, it's a girl. If you don't, it's a boy. (GIRL)

-The Chinese Gender Predictor lets your plug in a few calendar dates and predicts what you'll have. (BOY)

-Mayans supposedly determined a baby's sex by looking at the mother's age at conception and the year of conception. If both are even or odd, it's a girl. If one's even and one's odd, it's a boy. (BOY)

-If Dad gains sympathy weight, it's a girl. If his weight stays the same, it's a boy. (BOY)

-If you're moody, you're having a girl. If you're happy, you're having a boy. (GIRL)

-If your legs stay the same size during pregnancy, it's a girl. If they get bigger, it's a boy. (BOY)

-If you have a dream about having a girl, you'll have a boy. And vice versa. (BOY)

-If you're graceful, it's a girl. If you're more clumsy, it's a boy. (BOY)

-If you can only agree on a name for a boy or a girl, you're having the gender you agree on a name for. (GIRL)



Pregnancy-wise, it's incredibly hard to believe we're halfway there! Simultaneously terrifying and exciting. I don't feel terribly pregnant yet, although "20 weeks" sounds much more legit than "19 weeks," and the belly is almost big enough for maternity shirts to look non-ridiculous on me (I've been layering long tanks from Target under my normal tops and it's worked well so far. Maternity jeans have been necessary for weeks, though).

Time is just flying by with the amount I've been working lately, and that makes me a little sad. I feel like my mind hasn't had time to catch up with the baby's gestational age. But then again, it might not catch up until I'm holding a brand new baby in my arms that belongs to me, for once?

Really my only symptoms this week have been out-of-control emotions and fatigue, which really might be two sides of the same coin. Both of these get worse every week, and also correspond with the number of night shifts I've worked that week...  But also, I'm TIRED. More than night shift tired, which I didn't think was possible. It doesn't help that I toss and turn after about 3am and I can't seem to feel rested.

When I had my doctor draw my labs a few weeks ago, it turned out that I had grown anemic already. I'm very glad I asked her to check, because they otherwise wouldn't have drawn labs again until 28 weeks and who knows how low my H/H would've been then! It was a relief to have a diagnosis (I'm not crazy! I'm tired because my hematocrit dropped 10 points in a 10 week time span!) but also a frustration (My numbers were so good in the first trimester. I eat meat 1-2 times a day, and we cook red meat 1-2 times a week. I take my prenatal vitamins. What gives?).

Two weeks ago, I started taking Floradix in the morning with a small glass of orange juice about 10 minutes before breakfast. About a week ago, I was starting to notice a big increase in my energy and endurance levels, but they've fallen again. I'm going to be asking my OB several questions about all this at my appointment this week.

And emotions. Where to begin? I can see objectively that I'm overreacting to everything, but I can't seem to not feel overwhelmed by things like tax returns (someday I will just have one W-2 in one state) and finding childcare and finding a house and renewing my RNC-NIC certification and applying for mortgages and... everything. I can't seem to be rational, and everything makes me want to dissolve into tears. Poor Ross. I'm having a hard time dealing with daily life right now and he's been good about picking up the slack.

(I feel like when I cry, it's for reasons more legit than this, but "tragedy-maker" is a good description!)

No real cravings this week, just eating more carbs and sugar than I'm really hungry for, simply because I'm tired. I am also starting to notice that my normal meals and snacks just don't keep me as full as they used to. I'm wondering if we're entering another growth spurt with the uptick in emotions, fatigue, and hunger. I seem to gain weight in huge overnight leaps, and then stay steady for a while. So far the leaps have occurred at 7 weeks, 14 weeks, 16 weeks, and 18 weeks, so I'm definitely due for another one. Baby boy was already an estimated 14oz at our ultrasound, and he's supposedly as long as a medium banana, so surely the belly will pop any day now...

19 Weeks and Grouchy

Nineteen weeks and I still don't feel like I look terribly pregnant when I wake up in the mornings. But once I eat breakfast, I'm shocked at how much my belly grows. I'll try to limit my babbling this week because it has been an emotional one: I knew pregnant women cried all the time, but I didn't expect to be so irritable, selfish, easily angered, and easily offended. I just hear myself talking sometimes and I wonder, why can't I stop talking?! And what happened to my filter? It's been really humbling.

I know most pregnant women also have a list of phrases that really bothers them and given my mood swings this week, I'm no exception. I thought I'd be a blissful pregnant woman, but I'm still working on some serious attitude adjustments. In the meantime, do not tell me I look too tiny to be __ weeks pregnant. Don't tell me, be careful, you don't want to gain too much weight! Don't advise me that I'm eating for two when I barely have self-control as it is. Don't insinuate that by working out, eating heated lunchmeat, or eating cooked sushi I don't care about my baby. Don't even tell me that healthy mom = healthy baby because then I will feel like an utter failure if anything ever goes wrong because that must mean that unhealthy mom = unhealthy baby. (See, I told you. Total brat.)

One other thing has been on my mind as we approach our next ultrasound... When people ask if we want a boy or a girl, we have been saying we don't care as long as it's healthy. But that phrase really really bothers me now. It sounds so conditional. If people only loved me when I was healthy, I would be very unloved. And if our baby needs special care, or is born early, or if we learn some sort of terrible news at this next ultrasound, I would like to think we'd love him or her all the more, right?




I worked three night shifts and three clinic shifts in the last 7 days, so it's safe to say my fatigue isn't improving, and while I'm functioning physically and intellectually on a shockingly small amount of sleep, I can't say that it's doing my emotions any favors. But let's end this on a positive note, because really this week really has been good overall.

The sweetest thing happened last Saturday. I woke up from my nap after working all night, and I made it all the way to the couch to lay down again. But at that point the baby started with some tiny, consistent little kicks on my right side. I could feel them inside and out, so I got Ross to come over, and he got to feel them too! It hasn't happened again yet, and most of the movement I feel is limited to vague shifting feelings when I'm bent over, or moving from an active to a resting position or vice versa. But I'll take what I can get! And I could tell Ross loved it. It's hard to believe this is all happening! We cannot grasp how completely our lives are going to change come June.

Symptoms: Other than the emotions, acne and evening nausea have flared up again this week. Starting to feel more movement, and more hip and lower back pain. Things are starting to readjust to prepare for baby. And it's so bizarre that a lot of the time, I can lay down, feel my stomach, and tell which corner the baby is hiding in! I'm looking forward to feeling more movement.

Cravings: Citrus fruit and sleep. Also, brownies-- I think I can blame sleep deprivation for that sugar craving!

Aversions: Mexican food. No idea why, since I've been loving it for weeks and weeks. Bland and/or sweet food sounds better this week.

18 Weeks: Ramblings

Well, I guess it's not just the holidays. Time is starting to speed up! I don't mind for now, because our anatomy ultrasound is at the end of the month and I'm so excited to see this little baby bouncing around again!

This week was pretty boring in pregnancy-land, which is awesome. I'm definitely in the sweet spot of the second trimester. I'm starting to look just a tad pregnant, but I don't have the nausea of the first trimester and I don't yet have the assumed physical discomforts of the huge belly. I have energy to work out, I love vegetables again, and it feels GREAT. Life is good! Especially when the baby decides to throw a tiny little punch from the inside once a day or so.

Although I do have the energy and desire to workout, I've noticed myself getting much more tired overall. I've mentioned this before, I know. I didn't really have fatigue in the first trimester but it's getting to me now. The dark days don't help at all. Neither does the Arctic cold. It was -23 on Monday and I'm not even exaggerating! I've also been FREEZING cold indoors when other people seem to be okay. So of course the perinatal nurse in me assumes hypothyroidism or anemia and I'm having my labs drawn today. Even if all my levels are normal, at least my doctor takes my requests seriously. I live in fear of being one of "those patients," ya know?

Speaking of labs, I got my MSAFP drawn at my last visit and the results came back this week totally fine (although it kills me to no longer be an employee and see the hard copies of my results myself, I will take the nurses word for it). This simply mean that there seems to be a very low risk for open neural tube defects, and the placenta is chugging away like it should.

[Insert graceful subject change here] So... maternity clothes? I'm definitely only in maternity jeans or my old leggings or athletic pants these days. It's much better for my self esteem to not feel a waistband digging in! My normal shirts are getting mighty short in the front, but maternity shirts still look a tad silly. I'm sure it won't be long before I switch over to those, though. And can I just say that vanity sizing is alive and well in maternity-land? I'm bigger than ever, and wearing smaller sizes than ever at places like Gap and Old Navy, where I've been shopping for ages! So weird. And pointless. It just goes to show you that numbers are more meaningless than ever and they certainly can't define you or your self-esteem.

I'll stop rambling soon, but I guess I've been mulling over a lot of topics! This week I've been especially fascinated with pregnancy cravings. I'm starting to believe the theory that your body needs something in the food you're craving. You know, as long as it's not excessive amounts of chocolate cake or something. When my craving is for anything besides sugar, I really do try to meet it. (And I'm not trying to sound holier-than-though. I also get my daily allotment of sugar, to be sure). I'm loving green leafy veggies this week and craving kale salads, kale chips, etc. (Sadly kale chips are too expensive for something I'd eat in one sitting, so haven't satisfied that craving yet).

In my first trimester, I was craving cheese like a madwoman. I've been dairy free for almost two years, and cheese and yogurt are certainly the thing I miss most, but it hasn't been difficult to eat dairy-free day in and day out. Until pregnancy. I was literally dreaming about cheese around weeks 7 and 8. I gave in a few times, and while it tasted phenomenal, it tore up my stomach. So I started taking calcium supplements, thinking maybe there was something in the cheese I needed. Sure enough, the cravings completely disappeared. Yeah, I still looked enviously at Ross' cheesy leftovers sometimes, but I wasn't drooling over them like I had been. About two weeks ago, the cravings came back and I realized I'd run out of calcium supplements. Started taking them again last week and I'm totally fine now. So bizarre, right?

Pregnancy appetite in itself also seems like it will be a constantly changing game. I'll be fine one week, and ravenous the next. I'm finding that it's important to have the fridge and pantry adequately stocked with HEALTHY food to snack on. Last week we came home to an empty fridge and I found myself eating mindlessly because I was a little hungry, but nothing we had was filling (read: lots of sugar). It brought up a whole vortex of old eating disorder thoughts, which was surprising, but shouldn't be I guess. There's a lot of change going on physically, emotionally, and hormonally right now!

The last few days I've been famished while preparing dinner, so I'll snack on something healthy, but then not be really hungry for the dinner I just prepared. I usually eat it as well, but it doesn't taste as good as it would've if I'd waited. Aaand I realize if THIS is my biggest concern of the week, I'm thanking the good Lord. A healthy baby, and a mom who's learning more about herself. God is good.

On that note, God really is good to let all this pregnancy stuff happen slowly. It's a LOT of change to take in. As excited as I am to find out if the baby is a boy or girl, and to actually meet her or him, it might be too overwhelming if we didn't have 38-40 weeks to prepare for it!

17 Weeks: Someone is actually IN there!

Starting this week with a disclaimer: I feel kind of vain posting weekly updates, but I know our parents and grandparents appreciate them! And I know I will love looking back at this time, so please bear with me. Pregnancy is fascinating to me. After spending the last year and a half working directly with women in pre-natal and post-partum states, it's completely bizarre to see some of the same changes occurring in me at long last. It's quite surreal and quite humbling!

As for my thoughts on reaching 17 weeks: the first ten weeks of pregnancy seemed to feel like forever... forever 'til I could announce the news, forever to see an ultrasound, forever to hear a heartbeat, forever to be legitimately pregnant (whatever that means). I'm not sure if it's the holidays or the burgeoning belly, but the last 4 weeks have gone by much faster than the first 4 weeks. Before we know it, we'll be halfway to meeting this little jumping bean. So exciting! And terrifying.

The absolute best part of pregnancy thus far happened this week (well, technically, it started last week). I jokingly told the baby all I wanted for Christmas was to feel it move. I fully expected it to be too soon, and sure enough Christmas day felt the same as every other day. But we drove home that evening and as we pulled into our apartment complex, I unfolded after a three hour car ride and felt a completely bizarre flip in my lower abdomen. It was subtle, but quite different from the normal GI grumbles I'm used to. It really felt like a little person turning from one side to the other to get comfortable!

It took a few more days for me to believe that was really the baby moving and not Christmas dinner digesting, but sure enough I've felt the same sensation 1-2 times a day since then. (On the 26th I remember feeling feeling the baby move in the car on my way home from work... I wish I'd written all the other early times down since I've forgotten specifics already! I do notably remember feeling it move while eating Fuzzy's Tacos in Dallas on the 29th, which was awesome!)

me, Ross, and Emily in Dallas

Also, my belly isn't really clearly identifiable as a pregnant one yet, but by the end of the day, my belly button is definitely threatening to become more 'outie' than 'innie.' I had an umbilical hernia as a toddler, so I'm a little nervous that this is happening so early in pregnancy. My OB says there's nothing to do about it at this point, though.

Symptoms: I'm still much more tired than normal, and still breaking out more than I did immediately post-accutane, but overall I feel like myself most days and tend to forget something's drastically different now!

Cravings: Last week and this week I've been a big fan of grapefruit. Really just craving clean, healthy food overall after all the indulgences and stomachaches of the last month. Also craving exercise again. The bad thing about all the travel we've been doing is that I'm totally out of routine! Finally, can I just say thank you to this baby? Thank you for craving savory foods and diminishing my raging sweet tooth! I'm not turning down sweets by any means, but it's really really nice to not feel an insatiable 'need' for them.

Also, this AMAZING vegan 'cheese' tray that Ross got to-go from Cafe Gratitude for New Year's Day.

  
Aversions: I won't be wanting any more greasy roadtrip foods for a long time...


P.S. This is an awesome read in light of my body insecurities lately.

15 Weeks and 16 Weeks

15 Weeks 

Wait. Am I really 15 weeks pregnant? The last 5 weeks have gone much quicker than I expected! The first 10 weeks crawled and now... am I actually losing count already?!

This week for the first time, I went to put on my skinny jeans and they were tighter in the waist than in the legs! I mean, I've gained and lost weight in general since I bought these jeans, so they've certainly been tight before, but not like this. This time, I legitimately noticed a difference in the level of difficulty it took to button them in the first place. (Remember this post? I've still been wearing my skinny jeans about once a week, since they're my nicest pair. I just haven't washed them in a while, so they're much more forgiving now!)

My fundal height is rapidly approaching my belly button already and I feel like I went from looking and feeling normal to looking and feeling pregnant overnight. Two co-workers commented on my belly out of the blue this week. And I was in scrubs, which tend to be forgiving! (Of course, they were fitted scrubs and it was the day after I'd eaten an entire pizza by myself the night before, so I did have mixed feelings about those comments.) That was also the day I stepped on the scale and noticed I'd gain 1.5 pounds in a week. Oops. It's hard to figure out how much to eat when I'm always legitimately hungry!

Also, bending over is starting to become difficult. I drop stuff a lot (My natural clumsiness and absent-mindedness seem to increase by the day. It's terrifying.) so I'm constantly bending over to pick something up but suddenly, it's harder. I can't bend with the same range of motion. My stomach is just... in the way. Yes, I'm aware that I will look back at that statement in 20 weeks and laugh.

Craving of the week: Sushiiiii. And cheese? But not together. Gross.

Aversion of the week: Lulu's Thai food. I'm finally sick of it after eating it constantly in the first trimester! Also blue cheese. For some reason I keep thinking of it and gagging even though I haven't been near it since Thanksgiving (although that was not a good experience).

Symptom of the Week: FATIGUE. Nausea was the name of the game in the first trimester, but fatigue seems to have come out of nowhere the last few weeks. I'm ready for bed by 8pm every night.


16 Weeks 

This week was Christmas, so it went by in quite a whirlwind! I worked Saturday night and we drove to Omaha bright and early Sunday morning in less than ideal weather. By the time we went to bed Sunday night I had more or less been awake for 40 hours? In hindsight that made me really sensitive and emotional all week! Most of my thoughts should probably stay off the interwebs, but I'll say that this week was definitely a struggle in the emotional realm.

My belly seemed to grow massively this week, but I also ate lots of yummy holiday foods. I thought maybe there would be less guilt with holiday indulgences during pregnancy, but there was actually more considering this was the week I finally officially gave up on normal jeans quite abruptly (like, we had to make an unplanned shopping trip for maternity jeans while we were out of town). The food baby vs. real baby battle has been waging in my head and resurrecting some old eating disorder demons. I'm looking forward to looking a little more pregnant and a little less like I ate too many cookies, I guess.

Although don't get me wrong... it's awesome that things are moving in the right direction! It's just weird to have such a rapidly changing body. I'm not sure how anyone could actually be prepared for it the first time.

Cravings: I was hardly ever hungry this week, but everything tasted good. My mom made some really great meat on the 23rd, and I housed an entire take out order of pad thai on the 24th, so I guess I liked those enough ;-) Glad my nausea is gone!

Aversions: Occasionally something doesn't sound appealing in the moment, but even coffee is starting to smell good again so hopefully I'm over the worst of it.

Symptoms: The last few weeks I've been getting random pulling twinges in my abdomen and lower back. Round ligament pain? Something's definitely changing in there but it's not really painful or inconvenient, although I can also feel my main abdominal muscles start to stretch and that's a bit weird. Otherwise just same old tired. I blame ridiculous night shifts without naps more than the baby, though.

14 Weeks: An Ode to My Husband After the First Trimester

Dear Ross,

Thank you for adjusting. You love making breakfast on the weekends and you've gracefully moved from fancy omlettes to smoothies to plain old eggs as my stomach sees fit these past few months.

Thank you for throwing away leftovers hidden in the back of the fridge that have gone bad because I didn't want to risk smelling them and feeling sick.

Thank you for eating the same meals on repeat for the first trimester when my stomach could only handle a few things (so many scrambled eggs).

Thank you for baking me muffins after night shift.

Thank you for eating Lulu's takeout every other week (I try to spread it out) because that's obviously what I'm craving most frequently.

(Also, I think my love language is food???)

Thank you for not getting frustrated when my 4am bathroom trips and snack breaks wake you up.

Thank you for answering all the iterations of "do I look bigger" over and over again. And for answering correctly! (Do my arms look bigger? "No." Does my stomach look bigger? "You can see a little bump sometimes!" Does my butt look bigger? "No.")

Thank you for getting so excited about ultrasounds and belly pooch. It gives me the freedom to be a little more excited and a little less anxious.

But thank you for also listening when the anxiety overflows and spills out into tears.

Thank you for wanting to start a family and take this risk with me even though we have no clue what we've gotten ourselves into.

I can't wait to see you grow into a father!

Love,
me

P.S. This week...

Baby is the size of: a lemon! (or, according to the "real life" picture on my Hello Baby app, it's basically the size of my iPhone screen)

Cravings: Chocolate pudding? Don't know where that came from, but I got some almond milk pudding at Whole Foods that made me pretty happy! Also craving sushi... especially my favorite roll from a restaurant in Ft. Worth!

Aversions: Coffee still doesn't sound great. But chocolate is now OFF the aversion list! Most vegetables are inching their way out of gag-worthy status, too. My goal next week is to eat more veggies.

Symptoms: Fatigue. I had more nausea than fatigue during the first trimester, but it's getting to me now. It could also be the weather. I was having hip pain earlier in the week, but I started sleeping with more pillows and that seems to help. Finally, I got shingles again. Thankfully, I'm familiar with this little painful rash by now and I jumped on it. Starting meds 3 hours after the rash appears helps shorten the course of the rash immensely!

13 Weeks: Alien Invasion

Sometimes it feels like my body has been invaded by aliens. I'm not even talking about the weirdness of having a tiny little person existing inside of me! All these hormonal changes are truly wild.

Best I can figure, pregnancy is like going through puberty again at warp speed. All sorts of things are growing in new places, and growing bigger in other places. My moods are all over the place. Body image is perpetually confused. Tempers are short. Everything (good and bad) makes me tear up. Hunger can overtake me out of nowhere.

Other things... just change. Like tastebuds. I feel like a totally different person sometimes. Here we are in the midst of winter squash season, something I usually embrace. Yet the though of eating cooked squash right now makes me gag a little. Instead, I want things like cucumber and onion salad, sushi, green smoothies, cold cereal... things I rarely crave even in the warmest months since I'm so cold-natured! It's weird.

Also, sometimes I cannot drink enough water.

Other times, I wake up feeling completely drugged, like someone slipped me some Valium in my sleep and I'm still hazy when I get up. My grandma Ginny empathized with me over this fatigue at Thanksgiving. It was so fun hearing her talk about being pregnant all those years ago!

I'm not the world's greatest sleeper, but getting up at 4am and being unable to fall back asleep is also something new that's getting old really fast.

You would think some caffeine could fix that. I love good black coffee, but right now even the smell of coffee makes me turn up my nose. My Grandma Schekirke empathized with me on this one-- she's a coffee fanatic. Except when she was pregnant back in the day.

I don't have a bump yet, but my belly button is suddenly much shallower and tighter? It's weird. I'm not used to seeing the bottom of my belly button.

Also, I'm generally a clumsy person but lately I drop everything! It's like my hands just don't work half the time.

Basically, this baby is already starting to change everything and I love it... most of the time.

Thankfully, one thing has been conspicuously absent the past two days-- nausea!!! I'm practically euphoric that I don't feel like vomiting every waking moment. I still have some food aversions, and nausea does still sneak up on me from time to time, but it's a night and day difference from last week. I feel like myself again in some ways!

With this week behind me, just like that, I'm out of the first trimester. This pregnancy thing is starting to seem a lot more real (and not like one long bout of the stomach flu). I'm getting really excited to meet whoever is growing in there. He or she is already the size of a small peach this week!