Favorite part of the day: Naptime? We had a busy weekend and I'm craving some down-time. I also worked night shift Monday night and didn't sleep for over 24 hours, so I'm still recovering.
Eating: A gluten-free chocolate crinkle cookie from Dolce Bakery.
Drinking: Decaf coffee. The doctor I saw this spring recommended avoiding caffeine when possible, because it will just continue to stress my adrenals. Even though I only drank it in the morning, it was affecting my sleep at night.
Reading: For fun, I just finished the novel The Highest Tide. It was good, it reminded me of my first love (the ocean), and the character was obsessed with Rachel Carson's work. Which reminds me, I've been wanting to read her books for years! For church small group, we are reading The Voice of the Heart: A Call to Full Living. It's a book about feelings, which sounds weird, but it's really good. For Bible Study Fellowship, I'm reading the book of John. And on top of all of that, I'm slowly working my way through Shauna Niequist's Present Over Perfect.
Listening To: "It is Well" by Kristen DiMarco and Philip Paul Bliss. They sang it a few times at the Women's Conference I went to last week, and I really like it.
Guilty Pleasure: I've been making a lot of trips to Dolce lately since I'm baking less at home.
Wanting: A clean house/no more renovations!
Needing: Umm... same as above?
Loving: Sunshine! The cool mornings are still tolerable because it's t-shirt weather by afternoon. I'm learning that I like fall well enough, but it gets a bad rap in my head because it just means winter is coming.
Thinking: I have so many thoughts in my head right now, and I'm struggling to get them all out in my journal, to my counselor, or on this blog to help me make sense of them.
Feeling: Grateful with a tinge of bittersweet. This time last year, I was pregnant, and right now my arms are empty. It's weird. At the same time, Noah's definitely outgrowing the baby stage, and I miss him needing me so much. It's all emotional!
Missing: Summer! The pool! Our June and July routines!
Exercise: My pain has flared up the past few weeks, but before that I was enjoying the simplicity of the 30 minute workouts via 21-Day Fix. I'm trying to get into Yoga with Adrienne on YouTube even on the days I feel blah, though.
Bane of my Existence: Um... my pain? I'm struggling with some new ways of thinking of it, and the fact that it may indeed be chronic. It's still an overwhelming thought.
Mood: Pensive and anxious.
Link: I'm Pro-Life. And I'm voting for Hillary. Here's Why.
Outfit: It's leggings season!
Looking forward to: This Sunday! We're planning a family day, since things have felt pretty crazy lately.
Showing posts with label fall. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fall. Show all posts
Friday, October 7, 2016
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Currently...
Watching: The sunset. It's beautiful, but thanks to daylight savings time, it still feels a bit early in the day for the sun to be setting.
Eating: Some no-bake granola bars: 1/2 cup nuts of choice, 1/2 cup almond meal, 10 medjool dates, 1/4 cup chocolate chips, 1 Tbs honey, 1 tsp vanilla, pinch of sea salt. Blend in food processor and then press into a thin layer and freeze for 1 hour. Cut and enjoy. We'll see how long these last...
Drinking: So. Much. Water.
Wanting: Warm weather and sunshine. It's been a cloudy week and today was officially COLD all day. Reclusive winter Therese is ready to go into hibernation now. Or plan a vacation.
Needing: A good night's sleep. And energy/motivation. Two sides of the same coin?
Loving: Fall colors in Kansas City! Forget frigid December. THIS is the most wonderful time of the year!
Creating: Dinner. We're having grilled salmon.
Thinking: About the last three years of life and marriage. It's been a true season of reflection and catching my breath over here. I feel like we're OFF the roller coaster and on solid ground now, and it's amazing!
Feeling: A little stressed about work tomorrow. So many babies have been born this week! It's going to be a really busy day.
Wondering: If I'll have the courage to go out in the cold for my workout class tonight!
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Winds of Change
Sometimes I just have to laugh at the absurdity of the past year in regards to my job. I mean, really. It's been one long, stressful journey in the painful lesson on, the grass isn't always greener. Don't get me wrong, I am really happy with where my job situation is right now, but I'm still learning that really, the grass is greener where you water it.
Was it really just a year ago that I was teaching clinicals, helping in nursing skills lab, taking graduate classes, and working full time in the NICU? And I was so hard on myself! No wonder I was burnt out and ready for a change! From this distance, I heap grace upon grace upon that poor ragged girl.
This time last year I took a job at a clinic thinking it'd be a nice change of pace. That was a good lesson in learning that expectations are simply premeditated disappointments, as Ross' mentor Frank likes to say. It's a long story and one that includes as many external disappointments as internal ones, but I resigned in June. Has it really only been 4 months since my last week there? It. feels. like. a. lifetime. I learned so much there from an academic standpoint, and I'm so grateful for the opportunity, but I'm also thankful I've moved on.
I'm currently cobbling together a living with two different jobs: I'm a NICU nurse part-time and a home visit/postpartum/newborn nurse part-time. I'm loving the variety and honestly, I also like that I'm not fully vested in any one place right now. It helps me stay emotionally disconnected from my work, which God knows I need. In the past year I let the line between work and life become far too blurry and my life affected my work and my work affected my life and it was all a mess. I like being able to be a nurse. I love that! And I love going home and being Therese.
The downside, of course, is that I'm not accruing seniority or PTO or retirement benefits anywhere, which is unnerving. I'm constantly having to surrender control in that regard. God has me where he wants me right now and I'm so grateful that I listened and took the risk.
Which I guess brings me to the actual point of what I came here to talk about today. At my last clinic job, I became a person I really really disliked. I let my circumstances bring out the absolute worst in me. Cranky, self-righteous, selfish, demanding, entitled... the list goes on and on. The worst part about it is that I lost my filter and said more things out loud than I probably ever should have!
To my co-workers, I probably just looked like every other burnt-out nurse. But to me, I was appalled. My heart really is that dark. I would think, "This isn't me! I don't recognize this person!" But really, it was me at my truest and weakest and most human, I think. I'd been tired and worn and exasperated, but never that. Never bitchy. Never rude. Never so thoughtless. That's what I regret most about that job: the way I handled it. I blew it.
I'm so grateful for the cleansing wind that blew into my tired heart this summer. I've been able to watch with fascination, almost from the sidelines, as God begins to heal my heart. I'm learning to accept grace from God and from myself. The whirlwind of the last 3 years had finally ceased blowing and I got to stand there and watch the dust settle. As the air cleared, I started to catch glimpses of what God was revealing on the horizon. And it was good. All of his gifts are. This summer has been so beautiful, and filled with more second chances than I deserve.
Lest you think that this is where the story ends, yesterday I was reminded that the learning process is just that... a process. The more I grow, the more I see that in a sense, we never 'arrive' in this life. There's no point at which life is suddenly easy and every single thing makes sense. That's not to say there aren't seasons of rest and growth and happiness and sorrow and peace and angst, because there are! But they're always evolving. And I'm okay with that. In fact, I think I like that. I don't actually want to stay the same as I am today.
Yesterday at work I was flustered and busy and a little overwhelmed with new tasks fresh out of orientation, and what I had previously thought of as old-job-Therese popped up out of nowhere in an unnecessary snarky comment. Granted, not many people heard, and the people who did, didn't think much of it. It was a crazy busy day for everyone. But the heaps of shame that flooded my heart shocked me. I thought that kind of response was directly related to my old job. I thought I left that behind. But I did not.
Last night before bed, I read exactly what I needed to hear in Morning and Evening by Charles Spurgeon:
If you need to hear that, look up John 16:7-15, too. The Holy Spirit takes Jesus' inheritance and declares it ours as well! And like Spurgeon says, "your Father does not give you promises and then leave you to draw them up from the Word like buckets from a well. The promises He has written in the Word He will write afresh on your heart." I love that. Good news, indeed!
Was it really just a year ago that I was teaching clinicals, helping in nursing skills lab, taking graduate classes, and working full time in the NICU? And I was so hard on myself! No wonder I was burnt out and ready for a change! From this distance, I heap grace upon grace upon that poor ragged girl.
This time last year I took a job at a clinic thinking it'd be a nice change of pace. That was a good lesson in learning that expectations are simply premeditated disappointments, as Ross' mentor Frank likes to say. It's a long story and one that includes as many external disappointments as internal ones, but I resigned in June. Has it really only been 4 months since my last week there? It. feels. like. a. lifetime. I learned so much there from an academic standpoint, and I'm so grateful for the opportunity, but I'm also thankful I've moved on.
I'm currently cobbling together a living with two different jobs: I'm a NICU nurse part-time and a home visit/postpartum/newborn nurse part-time. I'm loving the variety and honestly, I also like that I'm not fully vested in any one place right now. It helps me stay emotionally disconnected from my work, which God knows I need. In the past year I let the line between work and life become far too blurry and my life affected my work and my work affected my life and it was all a mess. I like being able to be a nurse. I love that! And I love going home and being Therese.
The downside, of course, is that I'm not accruing seniority or PTO or retirement benefits anywhere, which is unnerving. I'm constantly having to surrender control in that regard. God has me where he wants me right now and I'm so grateful that I listened and took the risk.
Which I guess brings me to the actual point of what I came here to talk about today. At my last clinic job, I became a person I really really disliked. I let my circumstances bring out the absolute worst in me. Cranky, self-righteous, selfish, demanding, entitled... the list goes on and on. The worst part about it is that I lost my filter and said more things out loud than I probably ever should have!
To my co-workers, I probably just looked like every other burnt-out nurse. But to me, I was appalled. My heart really is that dark. I would think, "This isn't me! I don't recognize this person!" But really, it was me at my truest and weakest and most human, I think. I'd been tired and worn and exasperated, but never that. Never bitchy. Never rude. Never so thoughtless. That's what I regret most about that job: the way I handled it. I blew it.
I'm so grateful for the cleansing wind that blew into my tired heart this summer. I've been able to watch with fascination, almost from the sidelines, as God begins to heal my heart. I'm learning to accept grace from God and from myself. The whirlwind of the last 3 years had finally ceased blowing and I got to stand there and watch the dust settle. As the air cleared, I started to catch glimpses of what God was revealing on the horizon. And it was good. All of his gifts are. This summer has been so beautiful, and filled with more second chances than I deserve.
Lest you think that this is where the story ends, yesterday I was reminded that the learning process is just that... a process. The more I grow, the more I see that in a sense, we never 'arrive' in this life. There's no point at which life is suddenly easy and every single thing makes sense. That's not to say there aren't seasons of rest and growth and happiness and sorrow and peace and angst, because there are! But they're always evolving. And I'm okay with that. In fact, I think I like that. I don't actually want to stay the same as I am today.
Yesterday at work I was flustered and busy and a little overwhelmed with new tasks fresh out of orientation, and what I had previously thought of as old-job-Therese popped up out of nowhere in an unnecessary snarky comment. Granted, not many people heard, and the people who did, didn't think much of it. It was a crazy busy day for everyone. But the heaps of shame that flooded my heart shocked me. I thought that kind of response was directly related to my old job. I thought I left that behind. But I did not.
Last night before bed, I read exactly what I needed to hear in Morning and Evening by Charles Spurgeon:
If you need to hear that, look up John 16:7-15, too. The Holy Spirit takes Jesus' inheritance and declares it ours as well! And like Spurgeon says, "your Father does not give you promises and then leave you to draw them up from the Word like buckets from a well. The promises He has written in the Word He will write afresh on your heart." I love that. Good news, indeed!
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Hello, October
I got back from Slovenia Sunday night and I'm in love! It's going to take me a few days to get through all the photos I took, but I can't wait to share!
In other news, fall came to Kansas City while I was gone. Also, my time away and subsequent return confirmed that I am definitely allergic to Kansas City. But it's so pretty in the fall! I hate feeling cooped up indoors.
I digress. While on the plane last week, I read Barbara Kingsolver's new book, Flight Behavior. I'm a fan of Kingsolver in general and the book was alluring, albeit mildly disturbing in its skepticism of God and marriage. But the story itself is about monarch butterflies and I liked it.
One line early on caught my eye and I thought about it all week:
...everything that came next was nonsensical, like a torrential downpour in a week of predicted sunshine that floods out the crops and the well-made plans. There is no use blaming the rain and the mud, these are only elements. The disaster is the failed expectation.
I just love everything about this and it hit a chord in my soul. Failed expectations have hurt me deeply in the last few years, but I feel like I'm moving into a place where I pack lighter and hold on more loosely. Having few expectations of my cobbled-together work situation, going on a great vacation I didn't plan and that I wasn't in control of, and watching the leaves change whether I'm ready or not reminds me that life without the constraints of my own expectations is so freeing.
That being said, the one thing I'm learning to count on time and time again is God. He is ALWAYS there, he ALWAYS keeps his promises, and he ALWAYS loves me. That's the one expectation I can count on coming to fruition.
Deuteronomy 7:8-9 gave me such a joyful heart yesterday:
It was because the Lord loved you and kept the oath he swore to your forefathers that he brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the land of slavery... Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations...
I hope this new season finds you with a new song in your heart. I'm not sure what winter holds, but it's sunny now and I'm happy. Hello, October.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Turns Out
Turns out, November feels a lot like fall.
Turns out, it's been 3 months since I've been to Zumba... I've missed my favorite instructor!
Turns out, I don't mind daylight savings time because even though I don't like the early sunset, I do love seeing the sunrise.
Turns out, research papers can be somewhat fun to write. If only I had more time and a better rubric to follow!
Turns out, it doesn't take long for accutane to dry my skin out, but the pimples are still there.
Turns out, Ross likes sweet potatoes if you bake them in wedges, add seasoning, and call them fries.
Turns out, when you put first things first, you can find joy in every circumstance, not just hope in an ambiguous future circumstance.
P.S. My friend Melody wrote the best post-election words I've seen. In the end, the President does not determine the laws I live by. The King does!
Turns out, it's been 3 months since I've been to Zumba... I've missed my favorite instructor!
Turns out, I don't mind daylight savings time because even though I don't like the early sunset, I do love seeing the sunrise.
Turns out, research papers can be somewhat fun to write. If only I had more time and a better rubric to follow!
Turns out, it doesn't take long for accutane to dry my skin out, but the pimples are still there.
Turns out, Ross likes sweet potatoes if you bake them in wedges, add seasoning, and call them fries.
Turns out, when you put first things first, you can find joy in every circumstance, not just hope in an ambiguous future circumstance.
P.S. My friend Melody wrote the best post-election words I've seen. In the end, the President does not determine the laws I live by. The King does!
Friday, October 26, 2012
An Analogy. Or Something.
Yesterday, I finally downloaded some of the pictures I took of all the beautiful trees near our apartment last week. Kansas City has been a riot of color this fall, per usual, and I love it!
As the days get shorter and darker, the trees recognize that winter is coming. In the Midwest, at least, winter is a time for trees to take a break from photosynthesis. As they prepare for hibernation, the green chlorophyll fades from their leaves and their "true colors" shine through. This means that traces of those brown, yellow, orange, purple, and red hues have been there all along- they're just covered with green in the summer!
Granted, the colors are also intensified by glucose, waste products, and what have you, but let's focus on the idea that the colors are there all along.
When the dark times come in my life and the external patina is torn away, what are the true colors that shine through? Am I a dingy brown? A soft pink? A vivid red?
My prayer is that with grace, I can come through dark times shining to the glory of God as an encouragement to others! Let's just say I'm a work in progress on that one.
As the days get shorter and darker, the trees recognize that winter is coming. In the Midwest, at least, winter is a time for trees to take a break from photosynthesis. As they prepare for hibernation, the green chlorophyll fades from their leaves and their "true colors" shine through. This means that traces of those brown, yellow, orange, purple, and red hues have been there all along- they're just covered with green in the summer!
Granted, the colors are also intensified by glucose, waste products, and what have you, but let's focus on the idea that the colors are there all along.
When the dark times come in my life and the external patina is torn away, what are the true colors that shine through? Am I a dingy brown? A soft pink? A vivid red?
My prayer is that with grace, I can come through dark times shining to the glory of God as an encouragement to others! Let's just say I'm a work in progress on that one.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Change is in the Air
I was shocked that when I greeted fresh air this evening, it had a chill to it! When I had walked into work 13 hour previously, the early morning air was humid and comfortable.
Along with the hint of crispness in the air tonight, I felt a hint of anticipation instead of despair. Momentum instead of anxiety. I love summer and I'm not wishing it away quite yet, but you know what? I'm ready for fall.
I have been in a holding pattern for so long. I'm still not sure when or where life is going, but change is coming. Change in attitude or change in circumstance? I can't tell yet, although my outlook certainly is improving daily in surprising ways.
For once, I'm ready to greet the changing of the seasons when it comes. This summer was the tail end of a dark, dark season and while I've spent some time wishing I had reveled in the sunshine instead of hiding inside crying, I can't change what was. I can only be ready to greet what is to come.
Along with the hint of crispness in the air tonight, I felt a hint of anticipation instead of despair. Momentum instead of anxiety. I love summer and I'm not wishing it away quite yet, but you know what? I'm ready for fall.
I have been in a holding pattern for so long. I'm still not sure when or where life is going, but change is coming. Change in attitude or change in circumstance? I can't tell yet, although my outlook certainly is improving daily in surprising ways.
For once, I'm ready to greet the changing of the seasons when it comes. This summer was the tail end of a dark, dark season and while I've spent some time wishing I had reveled in the sunshine instead of hiding inside crying, I can't change what was. I can only be ready to greet what is to come.
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