Baby... Maybe

I took a pregnancy test when I got home from Slovenia. I'd had some vague symptoms in the two days prior to arriving back in the states, which shall go unmentioned here because my grandparents read this, for one (Hi Grandma!). But I was anxious to test when I got home even though I was groggy and dehydrated and jet-lagged and thus kind of out of it after being awake for 21 hours.

I left the test in the bathroom and went to the living room to eat dinner with Ross. I went back in the bathroom and there was a faint line. I was like, no, I'm seeing things. But I went back again a few minutes later and it was still there: a second line. I went back a few minutes after that and it was still definitely a line. A faint, faint, purple line. And then it hit me... wait. I'm pregnant? I'm pregnant! It's positive! It's faint but positive!

I told Ross to come look and I think my words were, "am I crazy or is there a second line here?" He said, "well, there's definitely a line. But it's so faint. It looks like it's not positive but not negative." I said, "not possible. It's a yes or no question. I shall pee on more money in the morning and compare the two tests."

So I did. And it was positive. Faint, but positive. I'll spare you a photo.

That was this morning. And all day it's been sinking in. I've been going back and looking at the test (gross?) every hour just to remind myself it's real! It's still hard to believe my eyes.

.................

Baby,

We are unbelievably excited.

It's so, so early: 3 weeks and 2 days. Yesterday was pretty much the earliest point at which First Response can detect hcg on a home test. All my experience in work and life makes me cautiously optimistic. My logic is trying to argue with my heart.

My logic sees NICU babies and fatal syndromes and incompetent cerivxes (cervices?), and preterm labor.

My work experience sees infertility as an epidemic and high-risk pregnancy as common. I was always so humbled and astounded at many moms' stories of courage and persistence and hope when I worked in the NICU and in the high-risk OB clinic.

In the past 6 years, I've had to say the words, "you might be having a miscarriage. Let's get you in for an ultrasound today." I've had to ask the question, "are you ready to pull the ventilator?" I've spent hours and hours obtaining prior authorizations for expensive medications that will help keep baby inside longer for patients who would otherwise deliver far too soon. I've said goodbye to babies who were delivered too soon.

My personal experience sees the ache of those who have been trying to conceive for years. The loss in the eyes of friends whose baby passed away after 7 months, 4 of which were spent in the NICU. Part of me can't even go there. Now, more than ever.

My internal disappointments in the past 2 1/2 years have led to doubt and angst and strife, and an inability to believe that things can go right the first time.

But. Baby. My eyeballs see a positive pregnancy test, and my heart is singing with joy. That we would be so lucky. That this morning, this one day in time, things would go well! I don't know if I'll be pregnant tomorrow, or two days from now, or two months from now. But honestly, at this point it's all already in motion. It will happen how it's going to happen and I've made as hospitable of a home as I can make for you, little one. Please stay a while. It's already so exciting knowing you're there!

Calling the OB office I used to work at and being able to say, "I got a positive pregnancy test and I need to make an appointment" was completely surreal. Labeling this post first trimester made me grin from ear to ear. It's finally my turn! It's real!

Welcome to earth, baby!

We love you already.

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To friends or family reading this with envy or despair or bitterness in your hearts: I'm so sorry. I debated posting these updates, since I've been the one on the other side of the screen, wanting something I could not yet have. However, this blog is my family scrapbook and more than ever it's a good way to keep family and friends in other states updated. Feel free to reach out via phone or e-mail if you want to talk more!

While it appears we don't need fertility assistance, we've had to wait a long long time for our marriage to be ready for such a special delivery. God is the author and perfector of this story, and he knows all the whens and whys. I've wanted a baby for years, but the reasons and timing were never quite right. God's timing is perfect. I'm humbled that he would ever choose us in all our sin and squalor to participate in so marvelous of a thing as creation. A tiny person! From two tiny cells!

Amen.