Weeks 7, 8, and 9, oh my!

Wow. Wow wow wow. Either I'd forgotten how awful the first trimester is, or it's really just worse this time around for whatever reason. Nausea and total food aversion hit hard right at the start of 6 weeks, and even the thought of giving a nuanced weekly update made me more nauseated! I'm very thankful for twice-a-day meds, but I still have zero cravings whatsoever. Just a whole lot of aversions.

The holiday season? Wonderful. Joyful. Wiped. Me. Out. On the one hand, I'm super thankful that all the chaos has made the first ten weeks FLY by, whereas I remember them positively crawling when I was pregnant with Noah. On the other hand, the massive cold that I got this week has to be my body's way of saying that things are changing, quickly, and I need to slow down and re-evaluate accordingly.

And speaking of holidays, we told my extended family the news the day after Christmas, by simply letting Noah wear a "Super Cool Big Bro" shirt to Christmas at my grandma's house. It was fun to see the realization slowly dawn on people's faces at different times.

Another fun thing is, I feel like my belly started to "pop" this past week. I feel like I look now the same way I looked at 14-15 weeks with Noah. Also, I know the naysayers will scoff, but I SWEAR I've been feeling baby move this week. He or she is the size of a strawberry, so surely that's big enough for me to feel a "thump" when he or she bounces around, right? It's certainly big enough for me to have trouble bending over to pick stuff up already.

It's all suddenly so... real. We are (hopefully) 25% of the way to meeting this baby already! *gulp*

To quote my old favorite, Saved by the Bell...

6 Weeks

It's been a busy few weeks here. In a 4 week period, Ross had 3 work trips, Noah and I took one trip to Omaha, and we took a family road trip to Oklahoma. We got back home for a bit right at 6 weeks... just in time for symptoms to get a bit more real. I had been fatigued and super hungry from day one, but now the hunger has been replaced by unrelenting nausea. Most of it, obviously, is hormones, but I'm sure some of it is the fact that self-care has been non-existent for the past month.

Anyway, the symptoms sure make it all feel more real. However, I'm a little sad that my general "blah"ness interferes with my time with Noah. I guess I thought I had 9 more months with  just him, and I'm feeling super emotional about that.

BUT I'm so in love with Noah, and I can't wait to get to know this baby, too. I'm kind of glad it's so busy right now, because by the time life calms down, I will hopefully be through the worst of the symptoms and on to the parts of pregnancy I really enjoy: feeling baby move and learning his or her rhythms and preferences.

I will also say, I generally hate winter, but if it has to be bitter cold outside, and I have to be nauseated over everything, I'm glad the two coincide. I'm pretty sure that first trimester is the only time I appreciate cold air and cold water. Warm puffy vest season is also super beneficial for my awkward first trimester body. Overall, I really can't complain. It's starting to sink in that this is all really happening!

The biggest proof? The ultrasound we had this week.

Baby,

I breathed a sigh of relief seeing you in there at 6 weeks and 3 days. I was so PROUD of you! You measured right on target, and your little heart was already beating away at 119 beats per minute. I'm so excited to experience the fun parts of pregnancy again, but now that I know how much personality your little blueberry-sized body already embodies, I can't wait to get to know you, too!

Love,
Mama

5 Weeks

Hi baby!

I'll be honest, I was really nervous about writing this letter. I'm G4P1. What if something happens to you and I've gotten too attached? But then I realized, what does "too" attached even mean? Whether it's for 5 weeks or 50 years, you'll always be my baby! The fact of the matter is that you're here right now, and you already hold a spot in our family.

We weren't going to tell people quite so early, but, well, your big brother is REALLY excited to meet you. Noah and I were at my parents' house while your dad was traveling for work, and my mom, dad, and brother Bobby were all sitting at the dinner table toward the end of dinner tonight. We were talking about med school, and I said, "oh! Did you know Dan from grade school is an OBGYN now?"

My mom said, "he'll make a great OBGYN!"

Noah said, "Mama has a baby in her tummy!"

Everyone just looked at me. I realized there was no escaping, so I laughed and said, "It's true!"

Bobby needed toddler-speak clarification, so my mom screamed, "Therese is having another baby!"

Noah was a little scared of all the screaming. But after the noise died down, he really proudly and sweetly said, "I'm a big brother now!"

The next day he said the same thing randomly while playing: "Mama has a baby in her tummy. I'm a big brother! I'm two years old!"

He is so proud and so sweet and so excited. We all are, little one.

Love,
Mama

Thanks-giving Indeed

This morning before work, I took a pregnancy test and set it on the bathroom counter. I went into the office to do my Bible study and a few minutes later, Ross walked in with a huge smile on his face.

The test was positive! I was really ready for it to be negative, so it was so surreal. A faint line, to be sure, but this time Ross knew it was the real deal, unlike my first positive test with Noah. A baby! Our family is growing and we're so excited!

12 Weeks: Secret's Out

This felt like a big week!

Ultrasounds: 1

Lab draws: 1

Family members who know: Everyone!

Symptoms: Nausea and food aversions are worse than ever. I also noticed that I suddenly have to be really careful getting up if I've been laying down, lest I get really dizzy once I'm on my feet. Finally, maybe I just didn't eat enough last week when I was sick, or maybe the baby's going through a growth spurt, but I was so hungry all week this week!

Cravings: Egg drop soup. Tofu, particularly in some sort of Thai-flavored sauce. Cold, simple foods like cereal, vegetable sushi, fruit...



Dear baby,

We got to see you again this week. I ate a Larabar right before our ultrasound on Wednesday, and you must've loved it. You were bouncing and kicking and waving your arms when the ultrasound started. It was absolutely precious, and absolutely surreal. Of course, I still can't feel a thing in regards to your movement, so part of me felt like I was just watching someone else's baby up on that screen. I'm so glad it's you, though. And that you're ours.

You passed your NT with flying colors! I was so nervous. I've seen too many sick babies over the years-- it's truly a miracle that so far, everything seems to be going normally with your growth and development. You're already the size of a plum! I'm incredibly thankful.

I thought that good news with this ultrasound would relieve some anxiety, but alas, I'm still a nervous wreck. I think that's going to be par for the course for... oh... the next 50 years.

Speaking of 50 years down the road, I got to tell my grandparents about you on Thanksgiving. It was so fun to hear my grandmas talk about their own pregnancies. I can't wait for you to meet everyone!

Your dad and I are still adjusting to the whole concept of our lives being flipped upside down when you arrive. We're so clueless in so many ways and we have no idea what we're in for, but we do know we're very excited you're on your way. I can't wait to see who you are and who you become. Who exactly has been wiggling around in there all these weeks?

In the meantime, we'll keep celebrating milestone visits with street tacos near the hospital. All three of us seem to enjoy them!

Love,
me

10 Weeks and 11 Weeks

Ten

First of all, double digits, baby! Hard to believe that pregnancy is 1/4 of the way over but I'm barely showing and most people still don't know I'm pregnant! At 10 weeks the baby is the size of a prune but now resembles a real baby-- the tail is gone, the legs are formed, and he or she is moving even though I can't feel it yet!

Week 10 brought more extreme iterations of the same symptoms I've been having: Food aversions, nausea, some fatigue, and some crankiness. Honestly, I can't complain much when my acne is the pregnancy symptom that bothers me the most (although food aversions and nausea are a very close second).

Oh, and one other weird/entertaining symptoms is that I can vividly smell/taste things unexpectedly at the oddest times. The ones that come to mind right now are strawberries that popped into my mind at work one day, and Taco Bell tacos that popped into my mind while I was watching a movie that had nothing to do with Mexican food!

In other news, we went to Rachel and Marcus' wedding this weekend at Red Barn Farm. We love these two and we were so happy to celebrate with them!

Eleven

At 11 weeks, the baby is the size of a small key lime, which blows my mind! Also, 11 weeks marks the designated change from embryo to fetus, which is exciting. Week 11 brought a wicked cold/sinus infection that had me down and out for a solid week. Noticing a pattern here? I swear I didn't get sick sick for about a year and a half, and now I've had laryngitis and a sinus infection in the last 2 months. I don't think my immune system loves the double whammy of pregnancy and flu season. I was so out of it all week. The one good thing about not being able to breathe through my nose was that I couldn't smell or taste, though! My nausea decreased significantly :-)

Finally, week 11 is when I really started to notice something happening in there. My lower abdomen is definitely fuller and I can't suck it in like I usually can. Here we go!

9 Weeks: Being Real

Disclaimer: This post is not meant to be full of whining. I'm completely fascinated by the process of pregnancy and, in particular, the first trimester in which a lot of what happens is behind closed doors, so to speak.

Everyone wants to be one of those cute pregnant ladies who's all belly and nothing else. One of those women who can wear their normal jeans right into the second trimester?

I'm only 9 weeks in, but I'm pretty sure that's not going to be me. In fact, I think my skinny jeans are officially retired for now. Not because my belly is too big, but because my legs are. With that, goes the last bit of the illusion that your body is your own once you decide to have kids, right?

Look, this baby is already teaching me humility.

I thought I was prepared for the disappearing waistline and the rising number on the scale. In nursing school, I remember learning that a woman should gain a pound a month during the first trimester and then about 1 pound a week each week thereafter. Tell you what, I've already exceeded that first trimester cumulative goal, and I still have 3-4 weeks left!

The emotional part for me is that there's no apparent rhyme or reason for my general and abrupt inability to pull my jeans all the way up my legs. I'm so accustomed to gaining weight when I eat poorly and mindlessly, and losing weight when I eat more veggies and work out more. This weight gain does not compute. And why should pregnancy make my arms and legs bigger?!

Thankfully, minus the aversion to green veggies, my eating has been mostly the same, if not slightly improved since getting pregnant. I've tried to focus more on protein and, if veggies don't sound good, getting vitamins and fiber from fresh fruit. I've always been snacky and had a sweet tooth, but both of those actually disappear when general malaise sets in during the afternoons and evenings around here. I'm eating smaller meals, only eating to the point of comfort when I'm hungry (which is actually often, though), working out 3 times a week, and gaining weight! It's a big slice of humble pie, for sure.

Part of it may be paranoia when I'm around family and friends who don't know I'm pregnant yet: "They're just going to think I'm gaining weight for no reason!" (Why this is so tragic to me, I do not know. It all sounds silly when I type it out.)

In summary: I was prepared for a belly, not for all the things that expand before your belly does. I'm grateful that Ross is able to listen to my emotional paranoia, and I think I'll start to feel better when more people know I'm pregnant, and when the belly finally makes its debut! When I think back to the tiny little heartbeat we saw last week, I know this is only a small window of time and its all worth it.

(I also think I've had a little hormone surge this week between the emotional lability, acne, and weight fluctuations.)

On a positive note, my favorite pregnancy symptom remains my funny taste buds. I don't even mind being averse to tons of things, because when something tastes good, it's OMG THE BEST THING EVER.

P.S. This online tool is a handy way to check in on your weight gain after each doctor's appointment. I think checking it every day would be overwhelming. I don't have a scale at home, and I'm still undecided if I want to buy one just for pregnancy.

8 Weeks: You're really there!

We had a big week this week, baby. Both sets of your grandparents know about you now and their  reactions were priceless! You're the first grandbaby on both sides, and to say you will be well-loved is probably an understatement.

As fun as those reactions were, though, nothing beats seeing you via ultrasound for the first time. I didn't think I was too nervous about Tuesday's appointment, but I was getting kind of anxious and short-tempered on Monday, so subconsciously I must've been a little worried.

Thankfully, we couldn't have asked for a better visit. You're really there! (Just you. No twins, which I grew irrationally fearful about since they run in my family.) You have a perfect little heartbeat! You're measuring right on schedule!

You're just the size of a blueberry and you look like a little seahorse, but I'm amazed how much we love you already. Your picture is on the fridge now and every time we walk by it, we just grin at each other. It's so bizarre that people are allowed to just make more people! (Profound, right?)

Your dad and I celebrated a successful ultrasound with a DELICIOUS lunch of street tacos at our favorite hole-in-the wall restaurant. He's so excited that you already seem to love spicy food. He keeps saying proudly that you really ARE half Texan! I think this will be our post-ultrasound tradition for the rest of this pregnancy.

Seeing you on ultrasound was a huge milestone and a sigh of relief that things are going the way they're supposed to. However, even though I was obviously present in real-time for the ultrasound, I still find it hard to believe you're there! That YOU are THERE. Maybe it'll seem more real when I start to feel you move in a few months?

Keep chugging away in there. We're so proud of you, and we're so excited to meet you!

Love,
Your Parents

P.S. Fall is in its element in Kansas City this week. I can hardly believe that, God willing, next fall you'll be here to enjoy the colorful leaves with us!

7 Weeks: Cravings

Thankfully, it seems that so far my 'morning sickness' is limited to feeling generally carsick in the morning and evenings, although I do get pretty nauseated and lightheaded if I get too hungry.  (And I get hungry much more quickly and more frequently than I used to, even notably at 4am a few times this week). Eating cold grapes or pineapple when I'm nauseated helps a lot. Strangely, I don't mind the nausea. It's gives me reassurance that things are still chugging along in there. The wait for the first ultrasound has felt forever long. Just a few more days now!

I will admit that I'm still undecided how I feel about the concept of pregnancy "cravings." I will be the first to tell you, I had plenty of cravings even when I wasn't pregnant. I don't know if pregnancy makes you more inclined to listen to your body? To follow through if your craving is reasonable? Permission to 'let go' if your craving isn't reasonable?

Even though I've listed these things, I can't decide if I'm really CRAVING something, or if it just sounds appetizing when not much else does. But I do know that when food does taste good right now, it tastes about a THOUSAND times better than normal, which I love! The down side, of course, is that when food is only so-so, I have to force it down. But for the love of all things crisp and cold, and all things spicy and savory, I shall press forward!


Aversions: 

chocolate

coffee

green veggies, sadly

lots of little things that just don't sound good in the moment


Cravings:

cold, fresh pineapple chunks

bagels and cream cheese (Even GF bagels would be okay with real cream cheese. Debating how badly I actually want this. Worth the dairy trouble for a taste of the real thing again? I've heard some people can tolerate dairy better when they're pregnant. Is this an urban legend? We'll see what I decide.)

baked potatoes with lots of butter, bacon, and green onions

Lulu's spicy beef and basil fried rice

pepperoni pizza (again, GF crust is totally fine, but fake cheese is bearable at best, totally disgusting at worst. I almost always order my pizza without cheese, but I was practically drooling over a friend's cheesy pepperoni pizza last week.)

pickles (so cliche)

the Porto Pure burger (on a GF bun) from Unforked

(vegetable) sushi with (GF) soy sauce and wasabi (although I wouldn't say no to my favorite shrimp and mango roll from Piranha in Ft. Worth-- mmmm. aaaand now that's all I can think about.)

cucumber, onion, and vinegar salad

street tacos from Cancun Fiesta Fresh

all spicy and salty food, really

(from this website)

I'm not sure what this post accomplished, except for making my mouth water at the thought of lots of delicious food that I can't make quite the same at home!



[Edited to add: I had been fairly nervous about my lack of vomiting since I'd heard so many horror stories about morning sickness in the first trimester. However, once we saw that heart beating away on ultrasound the week after I wrote this post, I felt a lot better. Now I'm simply THANKFUL that my nausea hasn't gotten out of hand and that it's fairly easy to manage!]

6 Weeks: Greatly Loved

This week started off on a much better note than last week since my sinus stuff FINALLY cleared up! I'm also noticing that staying busy helps the time go by faster. Realistically, it also gives my mind less time to wander toward the what-ifs.

This week, the baby's heart started beating and by the end of the week, the baby had completed a period of growth that involves the greatest size and physical changes of its lifetime! He or she has grown 10,000 times in size from where they started, even though the baby is only the size of a grain of rice now.

Physical symptoms-wise, this week has been pretty uneventful for me. Some of the same old early symptoms are still staying around to reassure me, but overall it's easy to forget that something is going on in there. (Then when I slow down from whatever I'm doing and remember our secret again, it makes my day 1,000 times better!) Here's a nice perk I'm already noticing, though: my nails are growing like crazy! When I went gluten-free, I noticed a huge improvement in my nails. They were no longer brittle and peeling. However, this week they've been above and beyond anything I've ever seen. I'm not used to having to trim my nails so often!

Monday and Tuesday, I noticed myself wanting to brush my teeth after eating anything because I didn't like the taste in my mouth afterwards. Tuesday night I went to bed nauseated and woke up nauseated Wednesday morning. More carsick than I'm-going-to-throw-up-right-now, though. The rest of the week I noticed it creeping up when my stomach was to empty or too full.

I also had my first overly emotional outbreak. Granted, I cry easier now than I used to in years past, but this was a bit irrational: the pizza Ross brought home one night... the pizza I'd been looking forward to all day at work... was the wrong pizza from the wrong restaurant AND it was a gooey, gummy, underbaked, gluten-free mess. So I cried.

Thankfully, my trusty pregnancy handbook assures me that between 5 and 6 weeks, "you may have noticed that you're experiencing moodiness, irritability, and tearfulness. While some of these feelings may have a psychological basis, most of the time they are just natural reactions to your body's changing levels of hormones and can be amplified by your immediate experience." Thank goodness!

((But if you want to bring me a gluten-free pizza from Minsky's with vegan Follow Your Heart mozzarella at some point? I would be okay with that.))

-----

Really this week I'm mostly still been grappling with some of the early emotional/spiritual aspects of pregnancy, since the physical stuff isn't taking precedence at the moment. As the days march on, it continues to sink in that this is really happening. (It seems to have clicked for Ross this week, too, and he's ecstatic! It's cute). Surprisingly, there's some guilt in all that. I feel like I've been through the ringer in the last few years, and a healthy pregnancy seems so undeserved. Something going right (according to plan, dare I say) feels so foreign. But the very nature of pregnancy reminds me that it's really not in my hands, which is an interesting dichotomy, and good.

I also feel guilty that I'm happy because life is good! I'm in a much healthier job situation, our marriage is a complete 180 from what it was those first few years, and jeez it seems like by the time you add a healthy bun in the oven, we're living the dream! And it does feel like we're living in a dream.

I know as Christians we're taught to find joy in all circumstances. I REALLY struggled with that this past winter, in particular. And I feel guilty that yeah, I'm joyful NOW because things are GOOD! So I'm still working through what all of those thoughts and feelings mean. Honestly, the last few months have just been a breath of fresh air and this news is the icing on the cake to a great summer!

This week started with a great sermon about God's love that I recommend listening to. It was a sweet bookend to the summer for me. Back in June, I went to a conference about God's love and now this sermon in October? Things are so different inside and out. It's easy to feel like God loves me right now. It's much harder for me, in my limited, self-centered imagination, to see how God loves me when things are falling apart. Regardless, I'm unendingly thankful for this respite, no matter how long it lasts. It's allowed me to catch my breath and digest and recover from the last 2 years of chaos and hurt.

I hesitate to use the word "blessings" to describe any point of this journey, but I thought I'd address my feelings on it now and get that out of the way. It's not because I don't think this baby is a blessing. It is! It's life! It's huge! We are grateful for every single day we have with this little one.

However, the word "blessing" was painful to me last year, and I'm still sorting through that. In a time when I felt like I was seeking God's will, I was being obedient, and NOTHING WAS GOING WELL, I felt outside of his love. Like there were no blessings stored away for me. Like my life was going to be all trials and no triumphs. It would take many more words than I care to share in this already over-long post to really address where my heart was so messed up in that thinking, but it's how I felt. I felt like blessings were for other people and not for me.

So now I sit here with knowledge of a huge blessing, wanting to be careful about using that word around others. I don't want to sling more arrows at other aching hearts. I read something in Spurgeon's Morning and Evening devotional (can't recommend it enough) the other day, and it breathed some life and clarity into this are for me, and really changed my perspective on the past year:

Child of God, do you hesitate to appropriate this title? Has your unbelief made you forget you are also greatly loved [like Daniel 10:11]? Surely you must have been greatly loved, to have been bought with the precious blood of Christ...? When God crushed his only son for you, what was this but being greatly loved? You lived in sin and rioted in it; surely you were greatly loved for God to have been so patient with you. You were called by grace and led to a savior and made a child of God and an heir of heaven. Doesn't all this prove a very great and superabounding love? Since that time, whether your path has been rough with troubles or smooth with mercies, it has been full of proofs that you are greatly loved. If the Lord has chastened you, it was not in anger; if he has made you poor, still in grace you have been rich. The more unworthy you feel yourself to be, the more evidence you have that nothing but unspeakable love could have led the Lord Jesus to save a soul like yours. The more disapproval you feel, the clearer is the display of God's abounding love in choosing you and calling you and making you an heir of heaven... Come boldly, believer, for despite the whispers of Satan and the doubts of your own heart, you are greatly loved.

I just can't add to that. My heart needed those words this week.

-----

Just to make this post super-long, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day was this week, too. Without elaborating and making everyone (including myself) uncomfortable, now is as good a time as any to say that I'm G2P0, so this journey is bittersweet. I'm currently more pregnant than I've ever been, but that doesn't mean I think of that first one any less. I'm grateful that he or she is in God's arms and by the grace of a redeeming God, someday we'll get to meet that precious soul!

-----

And to my 'now' baby who is just starting to look like a baby and not a blob of cells? You're already greatly loved not just by your parents, but by your Ultimate Creator who already has great plans for you! We can't wait to meet you.

5 Weeks: Don't Panic

This week didn't start out on a great note. What I thought was allergies last week turned into full blown laryngitis/bronchitis this week and I just felt awful. The Neti Pot and Zyrtec only go so far, and my asthma was acting up which made me more anxious. I started googling things like "can Advair cause miscarriage" even though my allergy doc told me to keep taking it! I'd turned into every healthcare provider's worst nightmare with my late nigh queries to Dr. Google.

I was surprised at how quickly that turned into a dark downward spiral. I seemed to lose all common sense and all textbook knowledge of answers I knew to be true! I was embarrassed that I was looking for validation on some random message board instead of listening to my doctor or trusted friends who have been through normal pregnancies!

The whole week gave me pause, thinking about how skewed pregnancy has become in our society. It seems to have become a fragile state, fraught with peril** in which EVERYBODY has an opinion and EVERYBODY thinks they're the expert. The disappearance of multi-generational households and the spread of families leads to an absence of the experience of watching someone close to you go through pregnancy from day one. Additionally, society today really seems to focus on keeping things hush-hush until the end of the first trimester, because the odds of loss are lower then. This seems to put a newly pregnant mom in quite a conundrum, then! Limited discussion during the newest and most unknown weeks of pregnancy? Of course everyone turns to Dr. Google!

After realizing this, I started to tell more people in person, a little earlier than I had originally intended. I needed to be able to ask, "is this normal" and "did this happen to you" in a real life context, and not online.

In other news, I'm feeling pretty self-conscious in my clothes. My jeans are already fairly tight after a Eurpoean vacation filled with delicious food and while any pregnancy related symptoms I may have are certainly mild enough to remain active (and oh, how my mental and emotional state benefits from working out) I only got to workout twice in the first week I was home from Slovenia, thanks to this ridiculous virus. So sure, I'm feeling acutely aware of early bloating (yes, I realize I will look back at this post and laugh).

I'm trying to take this in stride and haven't fully grasped that there will come a point when my waistline will be rapidly expanding despite healthy eating habits. I guess that's going to take more adjusting than I anticipated. Right now, all I can do is front-load veggies and protein, in the event that I develop any food aversions or bad nausea later on.

Thankfully, this week ended on a good note. I finally caught up on sleep and was able to spend a lot of time journaling and praying through my anxiety. I had to remind myself that anxious fear is not from the Lord: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7). And God, ever faithful, has been helping me ease my fears and relinquish control back to the One who really made this little life anyway, for as long as it's here to stay with us.




**Ok honestly, yeah, there are about a billion things that could go wrong every day with every cell division going on in there, but also. We're all here, right? We were all born. Pregnancy happens normally and uneventfully every day for so many people. Right?! But after 6 years of working in neonatology and perinatology, it seems like a straight-up miracle that any baby is born healthy and full-term. And even though statistics prove that's usually the case, it's no less of a miracle!

4 Weeks: what's another word for surreal?

Four weeks down, 36 to go! It actually feels kind of bizarre to type that, because it still all feels pretty dreamlike. This is something that happens to other people, not to me! This week would suggest that we're going to go ahead and get the pregnancy symptoms show on the road. But whether my discomfort right now is due to pregnancy, or allergies and jet leg is yet to be determined.

My biggest "symptom" in the past week was fatigue. Ridiculous. But I think I was transitioning off of vacation really badly, thanks to jet lag. I'd be so tired at 3pm (10pm in Ljubljana) and wide awake at 3am (10am in Ljubljana). To add insult to injury, I got back Sunday, didn't stop waking up at 3am until Friday night, and then had to turn around and work night shift Saturday night. It wasn't pretty.

Other symptoms (that I'm willing to share publicly, at least) have included morning temperatures as high as 99.5, and a flu-like feeling. On Wednesday morning I was feeling fairly miserable and I was convinced that I actually was getting sick after traveling. I had a headache, body aches, congestion, runny nose, and sore throat. Although really, those are also the same symptoms I've had on and off all summer thanks to a ridiculous allergy season.

The biggest thing I'd attribute to pregnancy this week is my thirst and the subsequent bathroom trips! I've always been a thirsty person, easily consuming 3 liters of water a day. Now, it's more like 4+ liters and ice water is even sounding good (usually it's room temp all the way).

Finally, I'm craving salty food and I'm somewhat averse to sweets at the moment. The Haribo gummy bears I brought back from Slovenia are all Ross' whereas normally I'd be fighting him for the clear ones and the red ones! I have been getting occasional waves of nausea, although to be fair this is something that happens to me normally when I'm overly tired. Just in case, I've started taking 25mg of Vitamin B6 three times a day. I'm hoping to avoid Unisom or, worse, Zofran because they really just wouldn't help my IBS symptoms.

My overarching thought this week has been incredulity at how long it's taking to sink in: we're pregnant! It's happening! I guess I thought that it would be magically real with that first positive test, but it's still so dreamlike. Even though we were hoping and trying. Even though the day I tested, I knew I was pregnant. (I honestly would've been more surprised to see a negative than a positive.) Yet, it's so intangible right now. A little poppyseed.

It's different than I thought it would be, and it's hard to believe it's happening to me after watching so many of my friends have their first, second, and even third and fourth kids! Now that our turn it's so new and so surreal. Life-changing yet not noticeable from the outside yet.

Pre-ultrasound, pre-lab draws, pre-visible baby bump... can you blame me for analyzing every possible symptom?

Baby... Maybe

I took a pregnancy test when I got home from Slovenia. I'd had some vague symptoms in the two days prior to arriving back in the states, which shall go unmentioned here because my grandparents read this, for one (Hi Grandma!). But I was anxious to test when I got home even though I was groggy and dehydrated and jet-lagged and thus kind of out of it after being awake for 21 hours.

I left the test in the bathroom and went to the living room to eat dinner with Ross. I went back in the bathroom and there was a faint line. I was like, no, I'm seeing things. But I went back again a few minutes later and it was still there: a second line. I went back a few minutes after that and it was still definitely a line. A faint, faint, purple line. And then it hit me... wait. I'm pregnant? I'm pregnant! It's positive! It's faint but positive!

I told Ross to come look and I think my words were, "am I crazy or is there a second line here?" He said, "well, there's definitely a line. But it's so faint. It looks like it's not positive but not negative." I said, "not possible. It's a yes or no question. I shall pee on more money in the morning and compare the two tests."

So I did. And it was positive. Faint, but positive. I'll spare you a photo.

That was this morning. And all day it's been sinking in. I've been going back and looking at the test (gross?) every hour just to remind myself it's real! It's still hard to believe my eyes.

.................

Baby,

We are unbelievably excited.

It's so, so early: 3 weeks and 2 days. Yesterday was pretty much the earliest point at which First Response can detect hcg on a home test. All my experience in work and life makes me cautiously optimistic. My logic is trying to argue with my heart.

My logic sees NICU babies and fatal syndromes and incompetent cerivxes (cervices?), and preterm labor.

My work experience sees infertility as an epidemic and high-risk pregnancy as common. I was always so humbled and astounded at many moms' stories of courage and persistence and hope when I worked in the NICU and in the high-risk OB clinic.

In the past 6 years, I've had to say the words, "you might be having a miscarriage. Let's get you in for an ultrasound today." I've had to ask the question, "are you ready to pull the ventilator?" I've spent hours and hours obtaining prior authorizations for expensive medications that will help keep baby inside longer for patients who would otherwise deliver far too soon. I've said goodbye to babies who were delivered too soon.

My personal experience sees the ache of those who have been trying to conceive for years. The loss in the eyes of friends whose baby passed away after 7 months, 4 of which were spent in the NICU. Part of me can't even go there. Now, more than ever.

My internal disappointments in the past 2 1/2 years have led to doubt and angst and strife, and an inability to believe that things can go right the first time.

But. Baby. My eyeballs see a positive pregnancy test, and my heart is singing with joy. That we would be so lucky. That this morning, this one day in time, things would go well! I don't know if I'll be pregnant tomorrow, or two days from now, or two months from now. But honestly, at this point it's all already in motion. It will happen how it's going to happen and I've made as hospitable of a home as I can make for you, little one. Please stay a while. It's already so exciting knowing you're there!

Calling the OB office I used to work at and being able to say, "I got a positive pregnancy test and I need to make an appointment" was completely surreal. Labeling this post first trimester made me grin from ear to ear. It's finally my turn! It's real!

Welcome to earth, baby!

We love you already.

.................

To friends or family reading this with envy or despair or bitterness in your hearts: I'm so sorry. I debated posting these updates, since I've been the one on the other side of the screen, wanting something I could not yet have. However, this blog is my family scrapbook and more than ever it's a good way to keep family and friends in other states updated. Feel free to reach out via phone or e-mail if you want to talk more!

While it appears we don't need fertility assistance, we've had to wait a long long time for our marriage to be ready for such a special delivery. God is the author and perfector of this story, and he knows all the whens and whys. I've wanted a baby for years, but the reasons and timing were never quite right. God's timing is perfect. I'm humbled that he would ever choose us in all our sin and squalor to participate in so marvelous of a thing as creation. A tiny person! From two tiny cells!

Amen.