I'm not really sure how to gracefully transition from the abruptness of everything that happened with my Grandma Ginny in such a short amount of time-- on this blog and in real life. It's reassuring but also a little disheartening to realize that life goes on even in loss. You go to work, you make your meals, and then when you have a day off and you can't get out of bed, you realize you're maybe a little overwhelmed emotionally and not coping with it very well.
That's kind of where I am. I want to crawl in a hole and pause everything for a while. Add in the emotional and financial mess that our first house has become, and the fact that I only have ten weeks left until my due date, and I understand why the bubbles of panic are rising in my chest each day.
My Grandma Ginny loved babies, and as truly sad as I am that I can't ask her questions about her own pregnancy, or childbirth, or parenting experiences, I can still celebrate this baby boy whom she would've loved to meet.
Here are the highlights from the last few weeks:
(and 28 years old)
This week, I got my first baby shower invite in the mail! A baby shower for me. So weird. And the invite was our first real mail at our new address. It's surreal and scary and exciting that life is changing in so many big ways.
The baby's movements get bigger by the day, but he was kind of mellow for a few days when stress and exhaustion were high this week, and I had a few days with an alarming number of Braxton Hicks contractions.
I thankfully passed my 2 hour GTT this Wednesday (74, 117, 105) proving that I don't have gestational diabetes! And my H/H has gone up a bit, meaning that I'm not as anemic as I was.
We had our follow-up ultrasound on a very long, bittersweet Thursday this week. Baby boy was so sweet and we got to see him sucking his thumb! And this was the first ultrasound where his movement actually corresponded with me feeling it. I probably normally would've been frustrated we had a new sonographer who was kind of terrible and who didn't manage get one good picture for us to take home, but honestly all of that got forgotten as we raced to Omaha that afternoon. The takeaway good news is that the placental abnormality they thought they saw last time is gone! Like, totally gone, which is really bizarre and they couldn't quite explain it. Anyway, baby's estimated weight is already 3 pounds. How is that even possible?!
Finally, this is the week people out and about started asking me when I was due, and not just if I was pregnant. SO weird to spent the first 2/3 of your pregnancy not really looking pregnant. I'm happy to finally have a belly! Yet since I don't see myself all day long, it's still somehow hard to believe it's happening to me!
I snuggled with some 3 pound babies at work this week and at times this baby business is getting very real. One of those babies is all folded up inside of me! I love it when he makes a big movement and I can really get a good idea of where he is in there. Otherwise it's still really hard to wrap my head around.
This week, I started feeling pretty huge. Overnight, it became a lot harder to breathe. Uterus, meet diaphragm. Baby started to move more again this week and I'm struggling to focus more on this than on the fact that my legs seem to have grown thicker overnight and nothing looks smooth over my back fat. (I'm not trying to be harsh, and I love the belly! It's just hard to adjust to the rest of my body changing overnight, too. I want to be more grateful and blissful. I do. I'm just struggling right now.)
Alas, given the last few weeks I think I could've told you when the third trimester started even without a calendar. Drastic weight gain, crazy hunger, even crazier emotions, and hit-by-a-train fatigue remind me of the first trimester all over again. I can. not. believe. that we have ten weeks 'til due day. I remember being so excited when I was ten weeks pregnant! And now suddenly it's 20 weeks later!
This week has been mostly a repeat of last week-- lots of growth, lots of movement, and LOTS of emotions. I don't know why, but it's weird to me that this pregnancy thing that I've envied from afar for years... this monumental-life changing thing... is still life. Day-to-day living life. It's hard to grasp the changes that are happening until I catch myself in the mirror, and then it's hard to believe that's my body I'm seeing. I find myself frustrated that I don't know how to soak it all in and enjoy it more. It's so fleeting!
I find myself having run out of time to take Bradley Method classes, having run out of money to take maternity pictures, and having run out of emotional energy to read all those childbirth books I thought I'd be obsessed with. The fact of the matter is, we're having a baby whether I decide I'm "prepared" or not. I'm still trying to figure out why I'm not as gung-ho about childbirth prep as I thought I'd be. Maybe I'm in denial? Overwhelmed? Or just tired. Who knows.
Still excited to meet the little guy, though! (Although I am not ready to be done with pregnancy by any means-- emotions, discomforts and all). I finally transferred my care to a midwife this week, since my last ultrasound showed that everything is normal after all. My mom went to the appointment with me, and I'm soooo glad I switched! I loved my OB, but she traveled a lot and had a huge patient load. The odds of her being at my delivery were pretty slim.
The midwife I saw is so wonderful and she even took the time to help my mom and I figure out what baby body parts were where, which was crazy! At the appointment, he was head down, hanging out on the right side of my abdomen, facing the left side of my body. His hands are punching the left side of my uterus and his feet are somehow kicking behind him on the right side!
Overall, I feel good aside from the extreme emotions. Some back pain is to be expected, I have started getting nauseated again if I go too long without eating, and I don't sleep super well (although that's not pregnancy-specific), but I can't complain! No real cravings or aversions to report right now, thankfully. It's been a rough few weeks mentally and emotionally. Lots of driving and lots of not sleeping in our own bed or eating our own food. I finally got back into my exercise routine this week, and I'm looking forward to meal planning and eating more balanced meals next week!