This Season

I've been hesitant to write where I am lately. Partly because it seems to change on a daily basis, but partly because I'm also just not sure. Where am I? Where's my head? Where's my heart? When life gets crazy, I tend to self-protect by switching to autopilot and it makes me a little sad that maybe I'm missing out on this unique time in my life.

So. Because I want to remember, here's where I am:

...I'm a little overwhelmed by our house. I had no clue how much work went into simply putting up walls and ceilings! I thought we could rush through this renovation, but with constant setbacks for the first 6 weeks, making the house liveable has taken longer than even our most conservative estimates. My heart has been weird and unsettled in this in-between place, and I'm learning to just sit in it and maybe not whine to anyone and everyone in the meantime. This week, we're starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but even then I know there's still a lot of work to be done between "liveable" and "home." In my worse moments, I feel very "woe is me" and I certainly let everyone know. In my best moments, I realize I'm learning patience and that things could actually be much worse than a pregnant introvert having to live out of a suitcase in someone else's house for a few weeks (we've been out of our apartment since April 20).

...I miss my husband. He is so dedicated to getting this house done as soon as possible, and it's fun seeing him in his element. I would've knocked the house down by this point, but he's doing such a great job! He passes all of his inspections with flying colors. (If only we could say the same about the professional work that's been done). But he goes straight over to the house after work and stays there late most nights. I probably work over there 3-4 days a week, based on what kind of work is being done that week, what my work schedule is, and how I'm feeling physically. But Ross is easily there 6 days a week working his butt off to make our house a home! I'm also learning that we're both a little allergic to doing things halfway. The more we get into this house, the more we find that's been half-assed. It's frustrating, but I think it also redoubles our efforts because we refuse to take shortcuts. If we're stripping it down, we want to build it back up the right way.

...I'm tired. 8-months-pregnant tired, yes, but also so physically and emotionally tired from the combo of work + renovation + not being in my comfort zone. Both of my jobs are suuuper busy (all. the. spring. babies.) right now and I'm always shocked when I have the energy to work on the house for a few hours in the evening. Bending over, lifting things, and getting up and down at work and at the house is more exhausting than ever. I truly thank God for the energy I do have. Some days I just can't muster it up, but the days I can I'm always amazed. I'm also tired of eating convenience foods. I'm tired of eating in the car. I'm tired of driving all across town all the live-long day for one reason or another. I'm tired of living in-between. Like I said, I'm learning to just rest here because I don't have a choice. And I am aware it could always be worse. Not trying to complain, just want to be honest. I think a lot about how one of my friends claims there's no such thing as "balance." There are simply seasons. Seasons of rest, seasons of crazy, seasons of breaking down, seasons of building up. I'm not entirely sure how to define this season yet, but I know when the rest comes, it will be that much sweeter!

Maybe we need this print in our house to remind us!

 ...I'm in transition. I'm not sure how to really word this feeling. I feel pulled in a lot of different directions. One of my jobs is demanding my all, which I just don't have to give right now. I feel guilty that Ross is putting so much more work into the house than I am. I cry that it's taking too long, yet I don't put in nearly as many hours there as he does. Never for a moment have I blamed him for our ridiculous luck with this house, but when I freak out about our nomadic lifestyle going on three weeks, it makes him feel bad and then I feel bad and... yeah. I also feel like I'm ignoring this poor baby. Life's been crazy since about 28 weeks and now I'm staring 35 weeks in the face. Full-term is just two weeks away and my chiropractor is (infuriatingly) insisting that he's going to come early. (For the record, I've told the baby that's simply not allowed). But I feel like I can't even buy diapers because there's no where to put them. Heck, there's no where to put the baby. There's no where to put US if he comes early! I'm simply not ready and I so wish that I could invest my time in preparing for this huge life change that's about to take place. Basically, I feel like no one is getting my best or my all and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

...To end on a happy note, I'm ECSTATIC that warm weather is here! Sunshine! I notice such a difference when I get fresh air and sun. I'm very thankful for that this week. Less than 2 weeks ago it was 30 degrees outside and now I'm in shorts and a t-shirt! (Note to self: must purchase more maternity t-shirts ASAP.)

34 Weeks

Welp, our 34th week went by in one crazy blur of work and renovations, and ended with an emotional breakdown. It started off on a wonderful note, though, with my family baby shower in Omaha. It was book-themed and so sweet that it really deserves its own post. And the leftover cake and jam cookies certainly contributed to this week's weight gain :-)

yummy gluten free cake for all!

my friend Tina is due 2-3 weeks before me!

Speaking of weight gain, I feel really and truly pregnant all the time now. I know I'm just going to get bigger, but it's still so surreal to see my belly in the mirror and connect it with the fact that it's actually me I'm seeing! (I'm soooo used to seeing other women as the pregnant ones, I think). The baby is officially taking up all the vertical real estate he can get and he's having to expand horizontally now. It's all happening so rapidly! So weird that I barely grew for the first 20 weeks and now I'm growing daily! Sometimes it feels like baby's projected half pound weekly weight gain happens overnight.

baby!

Still struggling to get veggies and real meals in. I'm so very tired of living out of a suitcase and being on the go so much. I'm definitely exhausted, but it's hard to know if that's pregnancy, or life chaos and the physical work of renovation, or both. Same with the return of nausea and heartburn this week.

never-ending house work

Cramps and hip pain picked up again as well and I was definitely waddling uncomfortably until I splurged on a massage Thursday. Problem is, baby might've liked the massage a little too much. He was squirming like crazy Thursday night and Friday morning, something was different. He was sitting higher. I distinctly felt painful kicks to my bladder. Hiccups were in a different place. I left work that morning saying, "I really hope the Midwife doesn't tell me he's breech today." But sure enough, she did. He was completely breech with his feet tucked beneath him and his head beneath my ribs.

I came back to my brother's house (where we're staying right now) and bawled. Everything just seemed to hit me at once and I was really freaking out. Not even so much about the baby or about the risk of a c-section, or any one thing in particular. Just all of it combined felt very heavy all of a sudden. Thankfully Ross just listened to me sob and we made plans to have a date night Saturday and get away from all the stress for a bit. I'm so grateful we're doing this together!