Saturday, July 3, 2010


I do not learn from my mistakes. I complain about working too much overtime, yet I picked up a shift today. I hate it when I let people walk all over me, yet when a co-worker approached me yesterday and asked if I'd switch a day next week, I said yes! It wasn't even for a life or death matter on her part... it was a social event. It puts me at 4 shifts in a row, and I still said yes!

This morning when I was between sleep and awake (you know, when your dreams and thoughts get jumbled together) I started thinking beating myself up about the fact that I never follow through. I never take chances. I so rarely push myself to my potential.

My sister-in-law just finished grad school and Ross is in the process of doing so. My dad is an M.D. My mom has a Masters degree in special education.  My 23 year old brother just finished his first year of med school. My 21 year old brother want to go to law school. And my 18 year old brother will succeed in whatever he chooses once he decides what he wants to do!

I'm a Registered Nurse, for crying out loud! I have a BSN and one of the best jobs in this market, yet I feel inadequate. I loved my exercise physiology class in college, but I dropped it several weeks into the semester. I didn't finish my Spanish minor, even though I was just 6 hours short. I didn't study abroad, partly because I wanted to spend summer vacation with my long-distance boyfriend at the time! And even without all those luxuries (working on a Minor degree, studying overseas) I still graduated late! It's pretty pitiful.

In addition to all the personal bridges I burned in college, I also managed to bungle up one of the best oppurtunites I had to make something of myself. I barely tried.

I realize that this is a "poor me" post, and a little voice in the back of my head is telling me I should really be grateful that I have a college degree because that alone places me in an elite category as a citizen of this world. I understand that.  And I am so grateful for my parents and the way they raised me and the opportunities I DID have growing up. Because I had a lot of them. I don't mean to minimize that. It's just that when left to my OWN devices, I am an underachiever. And it bugs me.

As much as I love to dwell on the past and kick myself over and over again, the only thing I can change is the future. And, of course, give my two cents to every college student I know: go to the campus gym more often. You'll be a better student and feel better about yourself if you're active and healthy. Plus, you won't realize how nice it was to have access to a great gym for free, until it's gone. Study abroad. Even if it means leaving your college boyfriend for the summer. Even if it means taking out a loan. Even if it means graduating late. You may never have another chance to LIVE in another foreign city and (from what I hear) it's so different from being a tourist. Take classes outside your major. While I dropped my exercise physiology class and some other random classes here and there, I did take an honors class almost every semester and I LOVED them. It gave me a chance to get away from the school of nursing, read philosophy, and write papers instead of care plans.

But there I go looking backward again... if I knew then what I know now.

Looking forward, I still have my RNC to achieve by my 3-year nursing anniversary in January. And the Cowtown Marathon in February. Both of which scare the pants off me. But I need to push throught the fear for once in my life. The thing is, both of these goals require waking up and doing something to make something of myself. It won't just happen because I want so badly to achieve both of these goals. And the DOING something is the hardest part for me.

Beyond February, I would like to coach Girls on the Run and go abroad on some sort of medical mission trip for 2-4 weeks. But first I have to get out of bed every morning with an good attitude and a plan of attack.

I heard this song on my (terrible, slow, exhausting) run this morning and had to share. I first fell in love with this song right before I fell in love with Ross 3 years ago, but a lot of it can apply to life in general, not just love.

...I've been leavin' it up to fate, but it's my life so it's mine to make

I ain't settlin' for just gettin' by
I've had enough so-so for the rest of my life
Tired of shootin' too low, so raise the bar high
I ain't settlin' for anything less than everything.

With some good red wine and my brand new shoes
Gonna' dance a blue streak around my living room
Take a chance on love and try how it feels
With my heart wide open now you know I will
Find what it means to be the girl
Who changed her mind and changed her world

-from Settlin' by Sugarland

1 comment:

  1. I love you and needed this entry in my own way in a "kick in the pants" kind of way.

    You are amazing and you are one of the most strong willed and self determined people I know. Don't go berating yourself over "coulda, woulda shoulda's" we all have them!!!

    Make a Goal chart or a vision board and go fot it!