Friday, August 24, 2012

Steady my Heart

A week or so ago, my friend Jami wrote a delightful post on her introverted nature. I wanted to shout "Amen!" after every paragraph:
When we get snowed in, I'm thrilled. When things get cancelled, I feel like I just won the lottery. when I'm alone, I feel like I can finally get things sorted out that are running around in my brain.
Being with people all day makes me tired. When I come home from work, sometimes I'm exhausted because I work in the NICU and it can get crazy and my brain has to be "on" for 12 hours straight and my legs hurt from standing all day. But usually I'm just tired because I had to talk to people all day. Sad but true.

Right now, I have too much solitude on my days off. I'm shocked that I'm starting to hate it. I LOVE downtime, but when it's just me, myself, and I, things can get stale. I waste a little too much time. I think about myself a little bit too much. I write rambling, self-centered blog posts and resort to emoticons to illustrate the rueful expression on my face :o)

The thing about Jami's post is that while she's undeniably a self-described hermit, she's really funny. And fun to be around in large groups. In contrast, every single day in the last week I've had an encounter that reminds me I am a total wallflower. I am so painfully shy, yet I so deeply want to reach out and connect and interact with others at the heart of matters.

I'm discouraged because it feels like every time I try to reach out or enter a conversation, it comes across as awkward or rude and the conversation falters. You know what? It hurts just as much now as it did when I would come home crying from grade school. Yet just like my mom and dad always told me, comparing myself to others won't get my anywhere.

I'm excited that this fall I have no choice but to bust out of my hermitudinal routine. I'm grateful that a change of pace will shake things up, but I'm also really, really terrified. Sitting in a classroom with other people is okay. I'm used to that. However, I'm also in charge of a clinical group for two shifts a week in an unfamiliar hospital, with rotations through unfamiliar units. Of course, I'm not expected to be friends with my students (that would be bad, actually) but I do want them to respect me. Awkward and unsure just don't look good on someone in a professional adult role.

Proverbs 17:22 says, "a cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." I've noticed that when I'm trying too hard to fit in, I resort to gossip or catty remarks. That's not me! I don't want that to become me, either. But the more crushed my spirit becomes in my failed attempt to make friends and fit in, the more awkward I get. And I don't mean awkward in a cute, funny way. I mean awkward in the sense that I can no longer think of anything to say to carry a conversation forward and I look like a dunce.

Alternately, a cheerful heart will radiate outward when I allow myself to stand firm in my confidence in Christ and stop trying to impress others. That confidence, though, is where I waver. Even when my mind knows that God says,

"Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." {Isaiah 41:10}

It's so hard for me to believe this sometimes, because I like to think that I'm in control here. Thankfully, Sarah reminded me today that a cheerful heart is good medicine. That "the best way to heal something inside yourself is to do something outside yourself. Do it with joy. Do it with gratitude."

I'm not saying that I should stop trying to make friends. Clearly, that's worked so well for me the past three years (where's that sarcasm font when you need it?!) I have approximately two friends here, and I need to put effort into maintaining and deepening those relationships. I still need to step outside my comfort zone and attend social events and invite people over. But maybe I need to stop trying in an overly desperate way.

Proverbs 17:24 reminds me, "a discerning person keeps wisdom in view but a fool's eyes wander to the ends of the earth." There's only One Place I need to be looking to for confidence. Ultimately, I don't need affirmation from my peers. When I'm tempted to think that my worth is based upon how others look at me, I need to take a step back to gain perspective and rest in The One who always accepts me, even when I least deserve it. As I grow in confidence of that Good News, I'm hoping and praying that a cheerful heart attracts friends.



Wish it could be easy  
Why is life so messy  
Why is pain a part of us 
There are days I feel like  
Nothing ever goes right  
Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You're here  
You're real 
I know I can trust You
Even when it hurts  
Even when it's hard 
Even when it all just falls apart  
I will run to You  
'Cause I know that You are  
Lover of my soul Healer of my scars 
You steady my heart (x2)
 
I'm not gonna worry  
I know that You got me  
Right inside the palm of your hand  
Each and every moment  
What's good and what gets broken 
Happens just the way that You plan

You are here  
You're real 
I know I can trust You
Even when it hurts  
Even when it's hard 
Even when it all just falls apart  
I will run to You  
'Cause I know that You are  
Lover of my soul Healer of my scars 
You steady my heart (x2)
  
And I will run to You  
And take refuge in Your arms  
And I will sing to You  
'Cause of everything You are
You steady my heart (x2)

7 comments:

  1. I believe that you will rise to these challenge before you, Therese, through Christ who strenghtens us. Growing in wisdom and confidence is a process that hopefully goes on till we die. Even the Lord "grew in wisdom and strength." Pretty sure it's a learning curve. Face the fears and do it anyway. Carol

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    1. Such wise words. I'm slowly realizing that it is indeed a process. There is no moment in which we suddenly have everything figured out. I love the reminder that even Jesus grew in wisdom and strength. Thank you for sharing!

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  2. Wow. Thank you. I can't tell you how true these words are for myself. So whatever consolation or validation it may offer, you're not alone. You're not the only one! And wallflowers like us are special on our own different level :) Keep fighting the good fight, the best way you know how--that's the way God made you!

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    1. Hey Trina, thanks for reading! Glad to know I'm not the only wallflower out there.

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  3. Hi Therese, I found your blog from the Influence Conference blog and just wanted to let you know I completely identify with this post. It can be hard for me to make new friends because I'm such an introvert even though I do love the relationships I have with people. Thanks so much for sharing-it always helps to know I'm not the only one that feels the way I do sometimes.

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    1. Brooke, thank you so much for stopping by and sharing with me. I look forward to meeting you at Influence!

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    2. Looking forward to meeting you too!

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