28. Yep. In a way this birthday seems kind of anticlimactic because 27 was such a whirlwind year. Last year was the first year I didn't always know my exact age when people asked... I somehow already considered myself to be 28 for most of the year, so this year year will just be a bonus, right?!
This was much better than last year's birthday. Last Thursday, a few friends TOTALLY surprised me with gluten-free brownies at our bi-monthly meetup. It was so sweet and thoughtful. Then I got to go to lunch with a friend on Saturday before going to see most of my precious primary patients in all their toddler glory at the NICU reunion! Oh I miss thoses babes... There were a lot of sweet moments and a lot of moms asking me why on earth I left the NICU, but I think the highlihght of the reuinion was a sweet 2 1/2 old giving me a fist bump when she was too shy to give me a hug.
Sunday was my actual birthday and it was a pretty good day in my book. I got to work out, go to church, and then go to lunch at probably my favorite restaurant ever (Cafe Gratitude) with some sweet friends who I didn't know a year ago, but wouldn't trade for the world now!
I am headed to Indianapolis tomorrow with a handful of people I kind of know and lots of people I've never met. This is very unlike me. I'm a homebody and I like familiarity and routine.
I'm... nervous. And feeling very, very vulnerable. What if these strangers judge me for my frizzy, uneven hair and my ill-fitting clothes? Why has my face broken out again? Why am I so nervous I'm actually nauseated? Will I be able to get the sleep I desperately need this weekend?
Please pray for me if you are so inclined. I see this weekend going one of two ways: 1.) I pull my usual stunts when I'm overwhelmed and I basically cower in a corner and don't talk to anyone because I'm intimidated. 2.) By the grace of God I'm able to reach out and partake in conversations and develop real friendships with other women who have similar interests.
This weekend, we were social! With friends! Rachel's birthday was this past week and we went on a Boulevard Brewery tour to celebrate.
{P.S. That beer? TOTALLY worth a few sips of each. It was the first beer I've had in years and I loved it! From left to right, I tried Boulevard Stout, Ginger, and Tank 7 Farmhouse Ale. The Stout and Tank 7 were outstanding.}
As for Rachel, I think she was more excited about the sushi dinner after the tour! We had a fun afternoon and evening and when we got home I realized I was feeling... content.
Don't get me wrong, life is still ridiculous and I'm so uncertain about so many things, but that time with friends, getting to know a city I love with people I love? Priceless.
And I do indeed love this city. It only took 3years and a few major heart changes along the way, right?
I'm behind on a few big blog posts, and this is one of them. Two weekends ago, Ross and I made a quick trip to Omaha with our friends Rachel and Marcus to help my family harvest grapes. Yep, my dad's "hobby" is a full-blown vineyard! He planted it the year I left for college, so I haven't been able to help a lot. But my dad, mom, and brothers have put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into that land.
Harvest if obviously the most fun part, and the part I've been able to help with before. I feel a little guilty enjoying the fruits of someone else's labor, but it's just so nice to be outside doing something physical. And grape harvest is hardly back-breaking compared to other farm chores! Unfortunately, this year's harvest was especially easy because the birds had feasted on the ripe fruit in the week leading up to harvest.
Anyway, we decided to be crazy and drive to Nebraska when Rachel and I got off of work at 7:30pm on Friday. We set up camp in the dark and it was a colder night than we anticipated,
but it was worth it to wake up to this:
Fog, sunrise, crisp air... heavenly. We left the farm really quick to have breakfast at my maternal grandma's house-- yum! We were definitely fueled for the day when we left, and my family and a few friends had already started picking grapes when we got back.
We jumped right in.
Marcus
picturesque
Rachel
Mom
grapes and some sad, empty stems
Ross was color-coordinated
Once we'd collected what we could, we took a quick detour to the Union Orchard nearby and I got my first apple butter of the season. I'm officially okay with it being fall now!
After that, we went back to Omaha for a quiet afternoon and then had dinner at Upstream before heading back to KC. Ross and I hadn't been there since our rehearsal dinner almost 4 years ago to the date, so that was really fun. What an exhausting trip. But so worth it!
Months and months ago, I fell in love with the Jason Mraz song, "I Won't Give Up." My friend Rachel did, as well. So much so that she bought tickets to the fall concert at Starlight Theater. Her boyfriend swears he doesn't like Jason Mraz, so I was the lucky recipient of the second ticket. Thanks, Marcus!
It was random that the concert was on a Wednesday night, but it was a gorgeous night to be outside listening to music.
Of course, they saved the best song for last and it was so heartening to listen to that song live, six months after I first heard it. It's a happy song now. Thanks for letting me join, Rachel!
When we get snowed in, I'm thrilled. When things get cancelled, I feel like I just won the lottery. when I'm alone, I feel like I can finally get things sorted out that are running around in my brain.
Being with people all day makes me tired. When I come home from work, sometimes I'm exhausted because I work in the NICU and it can get crazy and my brain has to be "on" for 12 hours straight and my legs hurt from standing all day. But usually I'm just tired because I had to talk to people all day. Sad but true.
Right now, I have too much solitude on my days off. I'm shocked that I'm starting to hate it. I LOVE downtime, but when it's just me, myself, and I, things can get stale. I waste a little too much time. I think about myself a little bit too much. I write rambling, self-centered blog posts and resort to emoticons to illustrate the rueful expression on my face :o)
The thing about Jami's post is that while she's undeniably a self-described hermit, she's really funny. And fun to be around in large groups. In contrast, every single day in the last week I've had an encounter that reminds me I am a total wallflower. I am so painfully shy, yet I so deeply want to reach out and connect and interact with others at the heart of matters.
I'm discouraged because it feels like every time I try to reach out or enter a conversation, it comes across as awkward or rude and the conversation falters. You know what? It hurts just as much now as it did when I would come home crying from grade school. Yet just like my mom and dad always told me, comparing myself to others won't get my anywhere.
I'm excited that this fall I have no choice but to bust out of my hermitudinal routine. I'm grateful that a change of pace will shake things up, but I'm also really, really terrified. Sitting in a classroom with other people is okay. I'm used to that. However, I'm also in charge of a clinical group for two shifts a week in an unfamiliar hospital, with rotations through unfamiliar units. Of course, I'm not expected to be friends with my students (that would be bad, actually) but I do want them to respect me. Awkward and unsure just don't look good on someone in a professional adult role.
Proverbs 17:22 says, "a cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." I've noticed that when I'm trying too hard to fit in, I resort to gossip or catty remarks. That's not me! I don't want that to become me, either. But the more crushed my spirit becomes in my failed attempt to make friends and fit in, the more awkward I get. And I don't mean awkward in a cute, funny way. I mean awkward in the sense that I can no longer think of anything to say to carry a conversation forward and I look like a dunce.
Alternately, a cheerful heart will radiate outward when I allow myself to stand firm in my confidence in Christ and stop trying to impress others. That confidence, though, is where I waver. Even when my mind knows that God says,
"Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." {Isaiah 41:10}
It's so hard for me to believe this sometimes, because I like to think that I'm in control here. Thankfully, Sarah reminded me today that a cheerful heart is good medicine. That "the best way to heal something inside yourself is to do something outside yourself. Do it with joy. Do it with gratitude."
I'm not saying that I should stop trying to make friends. Clearly, that's worked so well for me the past three years (where's that sarcasm font when you need it?!) I have approximately two friends here, and I need to put effort into maintaining and deepening those relationships. I still need to step outside my comfort zone and attend social events and invite people over. But maybe I need to stop trying in an overly desperate way.
Proverbs 17:24 reminds me, "a discerning person keeps wisdom in view but a fool's eyes wander to the ends of the earth." There's only One Place I need to be looking to for confidence. Ultimately, I don't need affirmation from my peers. When I'm tempted to think that my worth is based upon how others look at me, I need to take a step back to gain perspective and rest in The One who always accepts me, even when I least deserve it. As I grow in confidence of that Good News, I'm hoping and praying that a cheerful heart attracts friends.
Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much
But You're here
You're real
I know I can trust You Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
'Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soulHealer of my scars
You steady my heart (x2)
I'm not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just the way that You plan
You are here
You're real
I know I can trust You Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
'Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soulHealer of my scars
You steady my heart (x2)
And I will run to You
And take refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
'Cause of everything You are You steady my heart (x2)
-At my hospital in Texas, we had to be on-call once a schedule. At my current hospital, there's not typically an on-call signup. However, there are sometimes extenuating circumstances and I'm on-call today. I forgot how annoying it is to be tethered to your phone!
-Open hands and open eyes are a necessity in Christian life.
-Ross now loves PB on a spoon for a snack. I am so proud.
-I've been praying that God would direct our choices lately. Ross and I have had to decide recently whether or not to participate in our couples small group this fall. I also had an opportunity to join a women's group at church. After debating and debating, we finally came to a tentative conclusion. And then the next day I found out that, while I was under the impression I was teaching clinicals from 0630-1630 Tuesday and Wednesday, it's actually 0630-1900 Tuesday and Wednesday. An answer to prayer? I guess. A bleak outlook on the month of September when I'm going to be getting home after 8pm every day Monday through Friday? Yes.
-On that note, I'm enjoying my last day of freedom and hermitude today while I sit next to my phone (so potentially not a free day at all).
-Burrowing babies make me melt.
-My heart yearns for a BFF right now. That's kind of embarrassing to put out there in cyberspace. But you know the friend in high school you could run to crying and eat cookie dough while talking a mile a minute and laugh until your face hurt? I miss her.
-Yes, these "list" posts are totally a cop out. There are many subjects bouncing around my head that I'd love to write a full post on, but I can't seem to focus enough to flesh them out right now.
Ross and I have been meaning to visit the Powell Gardens since we moved here, and the Fairy Houses and Forts exhibit was finally the excuse we needed. Fun for all ages! We harassed skeptical friends into joining us yesterday, and I think everyone had fun.
