Crammed

I feel like a weight has been lifted. I wish it was from my chest, but it's off my shoulders at least.  After 4 days of steroids, I'm still hacking away at the slightest provocation of breathlessness and I'm desperate. I do love steroids sometimes, but I'd prefer to only need them once every few years. This is the third round in the last 9 months. Something's gotta give before my bones do (nothing like getting diagnosed with osteopenia at the age of 22 to make you feel old).


1. The first to go is farm work. I probably shouldn't have blogged about Urbavore immediately after getting home when I was tired, cranky, cold, and oh-so-sore. After a hot shower and a round with the neti-pot, I was left with yes, aching muscles and wheezing, but also the immense satisfaction of a job well done. Few things can be more fundamental and important as growing your own food and knowing exactly how it got to your plate. I feel very passionately about that. But 15 hours a week on top of my full-time job is a bit ambitious even without asthma in the mix.

There is 100% chance of soaking, revitalizing, but yes cold rain today and the high temps are only supposed to hit the low 40s. I do feel a little bit  really guilty and wimpy because the farmers (one of whom is 6 months pregnant) and interns are out in the field working in this weather. I came home from work last night in a panic because a cold and wet Therese is not an animal you want to encounter in the wild, but also because cold = bronchospasms and a day out in this weather would further lower my immunity. I had to tell Brooke. Fortunately, she was very understanding.

image from google search

We're still trying to figure out if my stipulations (avoid straw, hay, debris, mold, and dust) are conducive to actually being helpful on the farm once a week. If so, I'd LOVE to stay involved, even if it means picking pole beans for hours on end beneath the summer sun (mmm... sun). But for now, I'm at home recovering. And no matter what, I will be FULLY supporting the Badseed Farmer's Market and Urbavore Farm Stand all summer- if you're in town, I'd love to take you and introduce you to the people who have poured their lives into such an incredible and worthy endeavor.

2. The second thing to go, temporarily, is gluten. Homeopathic remedies seem to be hit-or-miss, but I'm desperate and there are a good number of people who swear that a gluten-free diet reduces inflammation. As much as I love baking and eating the fruits of the breadbasket of America, I need to give gluten-free another shot. My month of clean eating in February ended after two weeks because, let's be honest, it was a lot of work and it was also inconvenient/embarrassing in social situations. (I know, there are more important things, but really. We live in a society built around convenience.)

While my stomach never really felt better, my asthma did drastically improve during those two weeks. I'm not sure if it was the lack of gluten or lack of dairy (both of which have been blamed as inflammatory culprits), so I'm going to rule one out at a time. Gluten is the first to go simply because I just stocked up on Greek yogurt (protein and calcium intake are important to maintain while on Prednisone).

This doesn't mean buying fancy gluten-free cupcakes and processed food right now. The point is to veer more toward whole food: brown rice, quinoa, and millet are all easy to make in advance and eat throughout the week. (Easy for me to say now, but in a few hours I'll be eyeing those Almond Joy Cookie Bars in the freezer and wondering if I could make a gluten-free version with oat flour instead of wheat flour!)

3. My running game was finally improving again last week. I was up to being comfortable with 3.5 miles of a run 9 minute/walk 1 minute pattern. Of course now the thought of running just makes me want to cough and wheeze. I was too sore from farm work last Tuesday and Wednesday and obviously haven't been breathing well enough to run since then. I'm going to continue to take time off until this weekend and re-evaluate. Typical of my over-compensation, I am signed up to run a 5.3 mile leg of the Brew to Brew run with co-workers on April 3. Yikes!

Photo from BrewtoBrew.com

4. Of course, just taking things away is never a healthy attitude, so I'm making it a focus to ADD more of the important things to my life:

-Getting involved in a new church that's actually conducive to new member involvement (any recommendations in the Kansas City area?)

-Counseling (embarrassing to admit, but long overdue with my history of depression and anxiety).

-The Word of God. No self-help book could ever replace His love story.

-Quality time with Ross. When BOTH of us pulled long days every day for the last week, things got grouchy fast. We are so fortunate to be able to have some leisure time in our lives and we would prefer to spend some of it together instead of alone in the apartment at different times on different days.

-Foods that please my body and not just my tastebuds- though I always aim to please both!

-Dry brushing. I mentioned it last time, and I've kept up with it sporadically, but it's strangely soothing. I can see how it centers autistic kids when they get anxious. Try it!


In the spirit of starting off on the right foot, I had some liquid sunshine with my breakfast to brighten up this dreary day. A carrot, beet, orange, and coconut smoothie.

*Disclaimer: I am a Registered Nurse, not a Registered Dietician. At work we deal with calorie and protein ratios in milk, not big-kid food. What works in my life and eating style may not work for you. But please, give me feedback on my recipes and feel free to share your own!

Liquid Sunshine serves 1 hungry girl
(you will need a food-processor or high-powered blender with these ingredients)

2-3 small steamed, peeled beets (I used pre-steamed organic beets from Hy-Vee-- don't confuse these with canned or pickled beets!)
1 orange
1 organic carrot, chopped into 1/2-inch chunks
1/2 cup coconut milk (using unsweetened SO Delicious has been cheaper than buying cans of coconut milk and it has a very mild, creamy taste that's not overwhelming)
1/4 cup unsweetened Greek yogurt (or just add another 1/4 cup of another liquid-- OJ, milk, coconut water, etc.)
3-4 ice cubes


Add ingredients to food processor or blender and blend until smooth. This may take several minutes depending on how powerful the motor is.

Pour into a tall glass and garnish with shredded coconut or chopped almonds if desired, and smile: Today will be beautiful!

(Please don't think me a hypocrite. I know that after getting on my soapbox about local food, I made a smoothie from non-local ingredients. While I'd love to get to the point where 90% of what we eat is grown within 50-100 miles, it's not practical right now mostly due to extremely limited pantry and freezer space and the fact that the local climate doesn't grow fresh fruits and vegetables year-round. Probably my biggest disappointment over not being an Urbavore intern is that I will miss out on the FREE education about preserving local food so it can sustain you even through the winter. These farmers don't just talk the talk!)

Highs and Lows

Life just keeps moving, doesn't it! I thought I'd catch a break after the RNC test, but I don't see an end to my to-do list. Today I had an 8 hour nurse preceptor class. Tomorrow I get to lead a Developmental Committee meeting. Then I have to figure out car stuff, and taxes, and what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. You know, the important things.

For now, I have some wise words from Proverbs 4: 20-26...

Pay attention to what I say;
listen closely to my words.
Do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart;
for they are life to those who find them
and health to a man's whole body.
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Put away perversity from your mouth;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
Let your eyes look straight ahead,
fix your gaze directly before you.
Make level paths for your feet
and take only ways that are firm.

'Tis The Season

I love Advent. It's a celebration of warmth and light in a season of cold and darkness.

This Sunday marked the first Sunday of Advent and the pastor at our new church gave a great sermon on Psalm 42. We always talk about Advent of a time of waiting, but it's more than that. It's hopeful waiting. It's longing. A longing for Jesus to come save us from ourselves. I can certainly identify with this feeling.

All too often, I fall into the "if only" pattern of thinking. Ross calls me out on it a lot:

If only the weather were better...
If only I could manager my time better...
If only I were in better shape...
If only we had more money...
If only you were done with grad school...

The pastor pointed out that the "if only" pattern is futile because it implies that we're placing our hope in something besides God. Will what I'm hoping for really satisfy me?

Catholic that I am, I love communion; thankfully our non-denominational Christian church has it weekly. It's a good reminder of the only true Hope in our lives. Only in Christ are we fully known, fully accepted, and fully forgiven. And thankfully, it's not the amount of faith we have, but the Object of our faith who saves us and helps us endure our brokenness. We just need to take the first step and recognize that our unnamed longings are actually longings for a peace only God can give.

Have you found yourself futilely placing hope in the wrong place this holiday season? C.S. Lewis said, "If I find in myself desires which nothing in this earth can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world." This Advent, I'm taking a good look at my priorities and taking the time to name my longings instead of wandering to the fridge when I feel restless.

Psalm 42
 ¹ As the deer pants for streams of water,
   so my soul pants for you, my God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
   When can I go and meet with God?
³ My tears have been my food
   day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
   “Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember
   as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
   under the protection of the Mighty One^[d]
with shouts of joy and praise
   among the festive throng.

 ⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God.

 ⁶ My soul is downcast within me;
   therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
   the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
⁷ Deep calls to deep
   in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
   have swept over me.

 ⁸ By day the LORD directs his love,
   at night his song is with me—
   a prayer to the God of my life.

 ⁹ I say to God my Rock,
   “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
   oppressed by the enemy?”
¹⁰ My bones suffer mortal agony
   as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
   “Where is your God?”

 ¹¹ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God.

God Will Provide

I posted my day shift/night dilemma on Facebook and got some great responses.

My old co-worker Nancy said, "Girl, take the day shift! Eat Ramen noodles. Work an extra shift. Nothing is better than having a normal sleep/wake cycle."

Another old co-worker, Crystal, said "I vote for days! You may have less money but at least you could see Ross and be like normal people!"

My current KU night shift co-workers also chimed in. Kellie said, "As much as I don't want you to go to days YOU do what YOU need to do!!! I believe God provides to us what we need even when we think it is not possible!!!"

Jennifer reminded me, "GOD totally answered your prayer after we JUST talked about it Monday. You have to do what you have to do- especially as a wife and what's best for your body. Either way, we will still be co-workers!"

And possibly the most obvious truth that I managed to overlook came from my old high school friend Catherine (who is now imbued with "mommy wisdom" which lends her even more credibility): "God will provide!"

So despite the equally numerous cries of, "Stay on night shift! Don't leave us!" I did e-mail my manager and put myself in the running for the position. After talking to Ross any my parents, I decided the best thing to do would be to put my name in and if it's meant to be, it will be. Que sera, sera.

In my heart of hearts, I'm already in a better mood just thinking about the possibility of living on a day shift schedule again. This certainly reinforces the fact that putting my name in was the right choice and I have to admit, it's going to be a big disappointment if someone else gets to move. I will be discouraged, but I will know that somehow, at this place in time, God wills for me to remain on night shift.

When I stop to think about it, there is no shortage of examples in which things worked out how they were supposed to, despite my best efforts to run this show my way. God truly does provide and I have been so blessed. Possibly the best example of God's will versus my will is the story of how I met Ross. Bear with me, because it's a little convoluted. Over Easter, my Uncle Pete (a dermatologist) was talking to my brother Tommy, who's in med school. I overheard my uncle talk about his organic chemistry grade and how he still remembers his disappointment in not getting an "A" decades later! Of course, I went into my bitter diatribe about Dr. Wilson and my sophomore Pathophysiology nursing class.

I had Dr. Wilson for the class and clinical portion. In the class, my first test grade was a low C (oops) but as the semester went on, I learned how to study for her tests (lots of trick questions and careful reading is required) and I earned consistently better grades each test. At the end of the semester, I had a cumulative 79.44% (absolutely no exaggeration) and Dr. Evil WOULD NOT round my grade up to a B. I know "rounding" is not a right, BUT according to the nursing school "rounding rule," which she adhered to religiously, if I'd gotten a 79.5%, it would have rounded up to a "B". Instead, I earned a "C" in a 4 credit hour class and only the slightest provocation will launch me into a "woe is me" tale regarding the whole situation.

But when I think about it, I'm more mad at her for failing me in the clinical portion of the class. I know, who fails a pass/fail clinical?! Dr. Wilson's class was infamous for holding people back in nursing school and while I'm disappointed I didn't get a "B", and least I passed. A "C" truly was average in her class and an equal number of people fell into the "B" and "D" range. In all honesty, I still DO NOT know how she justified failing me in clinical. And since that's so vague, I cling to my anger about getting a "C" instead.

Cling to my anger? Yes, it's pretty sad. When my Grandma Ginny heard me launch into the story again (it may or may not come up at several family gatherings a year), she said I really need to learn to let go of it already! My grandma is a pragmatic woman and I am trying to take her advice to heart. Then she told me something I hadn't heard before. She said she was thismany points away from a scholarship to an all-girl's college back in the day but one of her friends got it instead and my grandma (then just Ginny) stayed in Omaha to work. Of course, then she met my grandpa (then just Joe) and the rest is history!

Which brings me back to my story. By failing that clinical, I could no longer move forward in nursing school and a stagnant semester meant a late graduation. Don't get me wrong, I tried my hardest to avoid it. I took the few nursing classes that didn't require pre-requisites, I finished up my university core curriculum, I took another honors class that I loved, and I signed up for a summer Pediatric clinical to try to catch up to my peers the next fall.

Then, for reasons unknown, I struggled with that clinical as well, had numerous talks with my clinical instructor, and decided that instead of failing ANOTHER CLINICAL, I would drop out of the clinical the day before I would've had to take a "fail" or an "incomplete". I'm only slightly less bitter toward Dr. Allender, and she was my advisor, which made things more awkward.

In my defense, I got nominated for the Sigma Theta Tau Nursing Honors Society the next semester, and only a nursing instructor could have nominated me. And I could only have been initiated with high enough grades. I never struggled with clinicals or a clinical instructor since the summer of the pediatric clinical, even though I had the same clinical at the same hospital in the same unit the next fall and did fine. Nonetheless, when I didn't complete my peds clinical that summer, I was officially set to graduate late.

Sigma Theta Tau initiation with some of my nicer nursing instructors

Therese + Heather = nursing school fun

I lived with my friends Merrell and Heather my last full year of college (hi Merrell!) and she was getting married that June after her May 2007 graduation. I was getting kind of melancholy as all my peers prepared to graduate and I prepared to spend the summer in Fort Worth working and dreading one more semester of college. Merrell was packing up to move out a week before I did and I VIVIDLY remember running into her in the hallway one afternoon. She knew I was feeling discouraged, and said something to the extent of, "I know it's hard to watch everyone else graduating right now, but God has a reason for everything, and I can't WAIT to see what His reason is for having you graduate late!" Her comment put a spring in my step for a few days... I mean, it is pretty exciting to think that the Author of Life has a storyboard laid out just for you! But as stress piled on, I became cynical again.

A few weeks later, after a blowout argument with Heather (we have since reconciled, but our friendship, sadly, has never been the same), a hectic solo move to a renal house near school, and a run-in with a concrete step that left me with a mangled toenail (okay that sounds kind of pitiful now, but it was painful and bled a lot that day), I finally made it to Tyler, TX for bridesmaid duty in Merrell's wedding.

Merrell and me February 2009

I met a cute groomsman named Ross at the wedding rehearsal (thanks Mark!) and despite our introverted personalities, we managed to talk to each other a few times. The details belong to another post another day, but to make a LONG story VERY short, 6 months after Mark and Merrell's wedding, I was planning a wedding of my own to the cute groomsman and I finally knew why I had to graduate late. I stayed in Texas that summer instead of graduating and moving back to Omaha because God knew a good-old Aggie boy and numerous Texas roadtrips between Amarillo and DFW (and even a first-date roadtrip from Amarillo to Ft. Worth to Tyler) were in my future.

I really wanted the photographer to put me next to Ross, but I guess he couldn't read my mind!

Tourist activities on my first trip to Amarillo to visit Ross

Celebrating our engagement at Piranha Sushi

The moral of this story is that I'm so glad God knows what he's doing! Somehow, things always work out like they're supposed to and I need to remember that.

The Bible verse that stands out to me this morning is, *Better a little with fear of the Lord than a great fortune with anxiety* Proverbs 15:16.

Just now, I flipped through my Bible to find my favorite verse from the summer I met Ross: *In his mind a man plans his course, but the Lord directs his steps* Proverbs 16:9. Imagine my surprise when my eyes drifted to verse 8 immediately preceding it and read, *better a little with virtue, than a large income with injustice*! My biggest hesitation about switching to day shift is, as my friend Kate says, "More bang for less buck." My mom was telling me some of her favorite times were when she and my dad were newlyweds and struggling to get by. I said, "well, we're struggling to get by as it is, but I never see Ross! How can these be some of OUR best years?"

Only God knows.

He is Risen, Alleluia!

Here is Love

Here is love, vast as the ocean
Lovingkindness as the flood
When the Prince of Life, our Ransom
Shed for us His precious blood
Who His love will not remember?
Who can cease to sing His praise?
He can never be forgotten
Throughout Heav'n's eternal days

On the mount of crucifixion
Fountains opened deep and wide
Through the floodgates of God's mercy
Flowed a vast a gracious tide
Grace and love, like mighty rivers
Poured incessant from above
And Heav'n's peace and perfect justice
Kissed a guilty world in love

No love is higher, no love is wider
No love is deeper, no love is truer
No love is higher, no love is wider
No love is like Your love, Oh Lord

Amazing Love

I'm so behind the times. I finally saw the movie The Passion of the Christ and it's been out for 5+ years. I've wanted to watch it, but I knew it couldn't just be a movie on in the background. I would have to give it my undivided attention for 2 1/2 hours. When we got home from Easter Vigil Saturday night, my mom and I sat down to watch.

I never imagined this movie being so gruesome! But at the same time, it makes the truth much more real and easier for our feeble minds to grasp. More real than stations of the cross and the nice wood carvings and stained glass widows in church ever depicted. The only thing I could think was, what an AMAZING LOVE! Jesus didn't just die for us. HE SUFFERED AND DIED. Each one of my sins was a thorn in his head, a lash of the whip. This is how much our sins hurt him. But then not only does he demonstrate his strength to endure physical pain, he endures out ridicule, our ignorance, our disobedience today. How can we know what he suffered for us and still hurt him further? And HOW can he still love us when we don't appreciate what he did for us?! The punishment he took so we wouldn't have to?

"Amazing Love" is one of my favorite contemporary worship songs and I think this video depicts it perfectly. Click on the 4 arrows at the bottom of the video for a full-screen view.

**Warning: this video contains some graphic images from the movie The Passion of the Christ**

Amazing Love

I'm forgiven because you were forsaken
I'm accepted, you were condemned
I'm alive and well
Your spirit is within me
Because you died and rose again

Amazing love, how can it be?
That you, my king would die for me
Amazing love, I know it's true
It's my joy to honor you
Amazing love how can it be?
That my king would die for me
Amazing love I know it's true
It's my joy to honor you
In all I do
I honor you

You are my king
You are my king
Jesus, You are my king
Jesus, You are my king

Amazing love, how can it be?
That you, my king, would die for me
Amazing love, I know it's true
It's my joy to honor you
Amazing love, how can it be
That you, my king would die for me
Amazing love I know it's true
It's my joy to honor you
In all I do I honor you
In all I do honor you

Jayhawk in Training?

I'm still missing Texas like crazy, but I haven't had much time to think about it. My hospital orientation is INTENSE! I've been studying all night for two tests I have tomorrow. Yes, TESTS two years out of school :-( One is dosage calculation, which I expected. The other is on deep sedation which is over my head at this point! I'm just far enough out of school to "lose it" since I haven't "used it"!

I didn't want to post until I had something positive to say, so I'll say this: if I lay in bed without my glasses on and stare at the dresser, I can pretend we're still in our old apartment! But seriously, our neighborhood is full of trees and the leaves are all shades of yellow and some brilliant reds. I do love fall and if the sunshine would come back, it'd be gorgeous outside!

I start night shift next Friday and I work 7pm-7:30am that Friday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. Quite the reality check. Ross and I are reading through the Gospel of Mark right now and the other night we read Mark 4: 35-40. Jesus is at sea with the disciples when a great storm hits their boat. Jesus is asleep while the men are panicking. They wake him up saying, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" He says to the sea, "Quiet! Be still!" The wind stops and there is a great calm. Then Jesus asks the disciples, "Why are you terrified? Do you not yet have faith?"

Do I not yet have faith after 24 years?! I sit here feeling sorry for myself, but why should I be terrified of all these changes? Would God really just send me to Kansas to be miserable? Of course not! Yet all my prayers are selfish, that MY will be done over HIS. That is, when I remember to talk to God about any of this in the first place.

As Psalm 107 says, I should be giving thanks to the Lord, for He IS good:

Some wandered in desert wastelands,
finding no way to a city where they could settle.
They were hungry and thirsty,
and their lives ebbed away.
Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,
and He delivered them from their distress.
He led them by a straight way
to a city where they could settle.
Let them give thanks to the Lord for His unfailing love
and his wondrous deeds for men [...]
Some sat in darkness and the deepest gloom,
prisoners suffering in iron chains,
for they had rebelled against the words of God
and despised the counsel of the Most High.
So He subjected them to bitter labor;
they stumbled and there was no one to help.
Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,
and He saved them from their distress.
He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom
and broke away their chains.
Let them give thanks to the Lord for His unfailing love!

Psalm 107:4-15a