Positive Thought of the Day

*Face a challenge and find joy in the capacity to meet it.* 
- Ayn Rand

 

'Tis The Season

I love Advent. It's a celebration of warmth and light in a season of cold and darkness.

This Sunday marked the first Sunday of Advent and the pastor at our new church gave a great sermon on Psalm 42. We always talk about Advent of a time of waiting, but it's more than that. It's hopeful waiting. It's longing. A longing for Jesus to come save us from ourselves. I can certainly identify with this feeling.

All too often, I fall into the "if only" pattern of thinking. Ross calls me out on it a lot:

If only the weather were better...
If only I could manager my time better...
If only I were in better shape...
If only we had more money...
If only you were done with grad school...

The pastor pointed out that the "if only" pattern is futile because it implies that we're placing our hope in something besides God. Will what I'm hoping for really satisfy me?

Catholic that I am, I love communion; thankfully our non-denominational Christian church has it weekly. It's a good reminder of the only true Hope in our lives. Only in Christ are we fully known, fully accepted, and fully forgiven. And thankfully, it's not the amount of faith we have, but the Object of our faith who saves us and helps us endure our brokenness. We just need to take the first step and recognize that our unnamed longings are actually longings for a peace only God can give.

Have you found yourself futilely placing hope in the wrong place this holiday season? C.S. Lewis said, "If I find in myself desires which nothing in this earth can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world." This Advent, I'm taking a good look at my priorities and taking the time to name my longings instead of wandering to the fridge when I feel restless.

Psalm 42
 ¹ As the deer pants for streams of water,
   so my soul pants for you, my God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
   When can I go and meet with God?
³ My tears have been my food
   day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
   “Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember
   as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
   under the protection of the Mighty One^[d]
with shouts of joy and praise
   among the festive throng.

 ⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God.

 ⁶ My soul is downcast within me;
   therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
   the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
⁷ Deep calls to deep
   in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
   have swept over me.

 ⁸ By day the LORD directs his love,
   at night his song is with me—
   a prayer to the God of my life.

 ⁹ I say to God my Rock,
   “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
   oppressed by the enemy?”
¹⁰ My bones suffer mortal agony
   as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
   “Where is your God?”

 ¹¹ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
   Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God.

I Know the Way You can Get

I know the way you can get
When you have not had a drink of Love:
Your face hardens,
Your sweet muscles cramp.

Children become concerned
About a strange look that appears in your eyes
Which even begins to worry your own mirror
And nose.

Squirrels and birds sense your sadness
And call an important conference in a tall tree.
They decide which secret code to chant
To help your mind and soul.

Even angels fear that brand of madness
That arrays itself against the world
And throws sharp stones and spears into
The innocent
And into one's self.

Oh I know the way you can get
If you have not been drinking Love:
You might rip apart
Every sentence your friends and teachers say,
Looking for hidden clauses.

You might weigh every word on a scale
Like a dead fish.

You might pull out a ruler to measure
From every angle in your darkness
The beautiful dimensions of a heart you once
Trusted.

I know the way you can get
If you have not had a drink from Love's
Hands.

That is why all the Great Ones speak of
The vital need
To keep remembering God,

So you will come to know and see Him
As being so Playful
And Wanting,
Just Wanting to help.

That is why Hafiz says:
Bring your cup near me.
For all I care about
Is quenching your thirst for freedom!

All a Sane man can ever care about
Is giving Love!

From: "I Heard God Laughing - Renderings of Hafiz"
Translated by Daniel Ladinsky


Do you ever forget you're loved? I know I do. But even when I'm unlovable to anyone on Earth, it's reassuring to know that I serve a God who loves every fiber of my being even though I don't deserve it. And out of appreciation for that love, I can only extend it outward and forward and let those around me know that I love them.

Autocognition, Subliminal Messages, and Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.

 

I've been thinking a lot lately... about how I think. I haven't posted in a few days because my mom taught me, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Obviously, I don't follow this rule most of the time. But I posted a quote the other day that said, "Change it or let it go. Complaining is a waste of energy" and I'm really trying to listen. I cannot control other people. I cannot control the weather or time's inevitable march into a colder, darker month. I cannot control the nonsensical layout of our new apartment's kitchen. Do I really need to whine about it and put another negative thought out there in the world?

There is some merit to "getting things off your shoulders," but where's the line between commiserating and straight out making other people miserable with my incessant whining? On the other hand, simply trying to, not complain out loud isn't doing me much good either. After all, who wants to be the silent person sulking in the corner? They may not be moaning and groaning, but you can tell they're not happy. (Why am I saying "they"? This has been me more often than not. I apologize to those of you who have witnessed this.) 

I think something more fundamental has to change. Once I've dug myself deep into the trenches of negative thinking, it's too late. Even if I hold it all in and remain silent, it's going to seep out around the edges. An individual's thought process is a messy place, but there are some messages that play over and over again, once we start to pay attention to them.

My thought reel looks something like this: "I'm so tired, I don't get enough sleep, I hate work, I need to take better care of myself, I think about myself too much, I love working out and eating right, I am too hard on my body, I don't push myself enough, I eat way too much, I don't fuel properly for longer runs, it takes me forever to recover from a hard workout, I'm not meant to be fast, I get bored too easily, I quit too easily, I'm too hard on myself..."

Just typing those out allows me to see the extremes I can sometimes think in. From the vocabulary (never, forever, way, too, don't, hate) to the actual messages I'm sending myself, (yes/no, do/don't, will/won't) I'm setting myself up for failure.

I even label myself. Depending who I'm with, I see myself as the messy one, the flaky one, the dumb one, the whiny one, the fake one, the self-absorbed one. Very few times in my life have I felt like the smart one, the pretty one, the gentle one, the genuine one. And usually when I do feel like that, it's a reflection of who I'm with more than anything. I want that to change. 

I want to be the kind of person you interact with and it improves your day. You know those people. The people who leave you feeling better about yourself than you did before they came by. These people are not self-serving and don't draw attention to themselves, but there's a magnetic pull toward them. People want to be around them. (Now as I type this, I'm wondering if the fact that I want to be this type of person precludes me from actually becoming this selfless person?)

My dad used to tell me that enough people in the world would say bad things about me that I shouldn't waste time saying bad things about myself. Then he'd stand up and try to make me say, "I'm smart, I'm good-looking, and gosh darn it, people like me!" I'd giggle and blow him off as my corny dad, but it turns out he's right.

I'm not saying mind over matter works all of the time. And I'm not claiming to actually have control over anything in my life. I'm simply going to try to think less negatively more positively from one minute to the next.  What are your thoughts? Any help would help! How do you balance humility vs. self-depreciation?

 

"If you keep on saying things are going to be bad, you have a good chance of becoming a prophet." -Isaac Bashevis Singer, Yiddish-American writer (1904-1991)

Your Life is Now

**Please excuse what I'm sure will be an excessively verbose post written in a haze of 

post-run euphoria. Read at your own risk.**

I really needed today's run! I felt a little guilty leaving the last bit of heavy furniture moving to Ross and my cousins to go run for 2 hours, but I really wanted to run, felt good enough to run, had perfect running weather, and needed to catch up on my training plan.

I only ran 12 miles total last week and ran that same amount all at once today. However, I am realistic enough to suspect that last week's unplanned "taper" certainly attributed to my mental and physical ability to run today. (And 5 days of Prednisone to calm my asthma back down certainly didn't hurt).

My legs were not extremely fond of me when I woke up this morning, thanks to all the stairs we did while moving yesterday, but I took it as a good sign that I was still chomping at the bit to run. Actually wanting to run has been a struggle for me lately.

I decided to run from the apartment to the Plaza. I knew the route and wouldn't have to second-guess trails ending, unknown elevation, etc. There were definitely rolling hills (my Garmin says about 1200 feet of total elevation change each way) and traffic, but I got out early enough to beat most of the traffic, at least.

The first 1.5 miles flew by (I don't know if I've ever said that in my life) and it felt so good to run without wheezing! I was just focused on getting to 4 miles (to take my Cliff Shot) and not thinking beyond that, lest I get overwhelmed. I had a great playlist of songs from high school, which helped a lot. I walked 1 minute for every 5 minutes of running, per usual, although it seems like every other 'walk' break actually involved me standing still and stretching my legs out.

I took that first Shot and was loving the sunshine and beautiful weather by mile 4. My hands were numb from cold, but that was my only complaint. I made it to the Plaza and did get a little overwhelmed when I turned around, realizing that was the farthest away I could possibly be and if I had to quit or walk, it'd be a LONG morning from there. Miles 6-8 were kind of rough, especially because traffic was getting worse and I was on a stretch with no shoulder or sidewalk (really, Kansas City? Be more pedestrian friendly.) I kept changing my stride to keep my legs warm and chugging along.

I took my second Shot right after mile 8 and definitely needed it. My legs were getting tired. I also wanted some more water then, too, but had to ration. (I was carrying a water bottle as I ran. I'm so glad I had it and it's an easy bottle to carry, but now my arms are sore. Lame!)

Shortly after that, I was cruising into familiar territory again and I knew I had a nice neighborhood and a downhill to end with. But first I had to climb back up into the neighborhood. Mile 11 was definitely the hardest. My legs were getting really stiff and heavy, and oddly getting cold which didn't help the stiffness. I got a pain behind my right knee and started to get worried.

Thankfully, John Mellencamp's "Your Life is Now" came on and energized me.

...This is your time, to do what you will do

Your life is now

Your life is now

Your life is now

In this undiscovered moment

Lift your head up above the crowd

We could shake this world

If you would only show us how

Your life is now...

I have been getting overwhelmed thinking about marathon mileage and training, and doubting weather I want to do it anymore. But this song reminded me, "if not now, when?!" It's something I've wanted to do for so long, and I'm slowly starting to think I CAN actually do it. (At least, a half seems totally attainable. Even doable in 2 hours and 30 minutes which is my goal!)

That song was just what I needed to dig deep, speed up a little, and finish strong! I'm so thankful that my breathing was pretty comfortable during today's run. That allowed me to just focus on my form and avoid further injury. I know I'm cutting it close with a busy week of work coming up and a few more long runs before I taper my half marathon, which is in *GULP* twenty-one days! I'm hoping today's run was a good step in the right direction!

What it Means to be a Nurse

One of my favorite nursing school instructors gave this poem to us when we were close to graduating. I found it while packing/sorting through a box of school stuff to move. Now that I've been a nurse for almost 3 years, I see truth in every line.

You will never be bored.
You will always be frustrated.
So much to do and so little time.
You will carry immense responsibility
and very little authority.
You will step into people’s lives
and you will make a difference.
Some will bless you.
Some will curse you.
You will see people at their worst-
and at their best.
You will never cease to be amazed
at people’s capacity for
love, courage, and endurance.
You will see life begin- and end.
You will experience resounding triumphs
and devastating failures.
You will cry a lot.
You will laugh a lot.
You will know what it is to be human
and to be humane.

-Melodie Chenevert

There goes September

Is it just me, or did this month fly by even faster than normal? I could swear September 1 was just yesterday! I guess this is what happens when you have a busy month. It was a great month, and I guess all I can do now is enjoy every minute of October starting tomorrow!

*There is no season when such pleasant and sunny spots may be lighted on, and produce so pleasant an effect on the feelings, as now in October.*  
-Nathaniel Hawthorne

Restless

It's the end of a long, busy weekend at work and I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, but I'm not sure what it is.  In the words of my friend Johanna, "I want to DO, but what? I want to GO, but where?"  I mean, really, I want to SLEEP right now, but these are the bigger questions.

I don't know if I'm on the verge of something great? Figuring out the secret to happiness overnight?  (Doubt it).

I wonder if it's the change of seasons. We got a hint of fall last week, but now it's back into the 90s and muggy! Apparently Seasonal Affective Disorder can be applicable to any season that lasts too long. The days are getting shorter, but summer is lasting way too long! Have I been away from the Midwest for too long? September is coming up and that means fall, right?

The locusts in the tree outside our apartment are going crazy around the clock. It's like they know to "rage, rage, against the dying of the light." I would if I could. Instead, I'll sit here and wait for inner peace and all good things to come to me. Or sleep, whichever comes first ;-)

Something to think about: “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -Howard Washington Thurman

Attitude Adjustment

I have an old co-worker who said commented on facebook about how she hates working all weekend and one of her friends responded, "poor you. You work 3 days a week." I had to exit out of facebook before responding to this perfect stranger with some snooty comment. 

Most nurses I know work at least 40 hours a week, often more. We work nights, weekends, and holidays. Even if we are working "just" 3 days a week, we're on our feet for a lot of it, dealing with difficult people, crying babies, snapping co-workers, and the like. I leave the house before 6:30am and don't get home until 8:00 or 8:30pm most days. And unless you're travel nurse or working overtime, you don't always feel that you're monetarily compensated for this work. I have plenty of friends who make more money than me at their office jobs.

I know, I know, stop whining. I have to tell myself that a lot. I also have plenty of friends with a college education who can't find a job. I should be thankful mine is relatively secure. But I'm in a funk at work now that my primary has gone home. I don't even have a short snuggle with her to look forward to on the days that my alarm goes off at 5:30am! The good thing about a primary patient going home is that you can go back to more critical babies and do a few admissions to brush up on your skills. However, we have SO. MANY. orientees right now, that hasn't been happening for me either. And when I'm only taking care of level 2 babies, it's hard to motivate myself to study for the RNC exam. Eek!

I need an attitude adjustment. It's going to be a miserable fall if I continue to dread going to work like I do right now.

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than educatoin, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company, a church, a home...

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it."

-Chuck Swindoll

Yogging

I've ashamed to admit that I've seen my fair share of Will Ferrell movies. Most of the popular ones came out when I was in high school and college-- prime time for wasting time and money on stupid movies! One of my favorite quotes is from Ron Burgundy in Anchorman:

"Veronica and I are trying this new fad called, uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. It might be a soft 'j'. I'm not sure, but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild!"

I just finished a 2.2 mile run that was so much harder than it should have been. I'm on week 2 of my 10k training plan and my weekly mileage has actually dropped 1 or 2 miles in the last two weeks. It should be easier, right? On days like this, I have to remind myself of the good runs and the weeks I know I'm improving.  And when I finish that 10k in September (and that half marathon in November, and that marathon in February), I know the feeling of accomplishment is going to be wild!

New "Quotes" Tab

For those of you who have been reading my blog for any amount of time, you know that I love quotes. Why try so hard to describe what you're feeling when someone else has already said it perfectly?! In light of avoiding annoying posts full of quotes (which I have been known to do), I started a "quotes" page.

I love collecting new words of wisdom, so quit lurking (you know who you are) and leave a comment with your favorite quote!

I will organize the quotes page better in the near future and update it periodically. Speaking of updates, what do you think of my new blog layout? Fancy, eh? Feel free to leave an honest opinion on the layout as well.

Overworked

I just finished working 79 hours in 7 days and I am not a happy camper. I hate working that much. (I do realize that some people work 80 hours a week and I'm so thankful I don't have to do that). My entire body hurt-- especially my feet and legs. And I was so stressed this last week that I wasn't sleeping well at all. Isn't that ironic? Then this quote popped into my head"
*Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.*
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Girls on the Run 5k

I didn't leave work until 9pm yesterday and I was proud of myself for not crying until I got into my car after 15 crazy hours. It's a bad day when the best thing about it was that you didn't cry in front of your co-workers! I miss the days when I loved my job. Now I'm starting to dread going to work.

Ross was certainly dreading work this morning. He had to man the door during Old Navy's $1 flip-flop sale. Last year they had to call the cops 3 times because things got so out of hand! Apparently people lose all control during this sale. Let's remind ourselves that normally Old Navy flip flops are 2 for $5, so you're really just saving $1.50 on a chunk of plastic, and this sale limits you to 5 pairs per person for a total savings of $7.50. Yes I wear and love my cheap-o flip-flops, but I don't think I'd wait in a line that wraps around the store to get them. Ross doesn't get upset about work that often. I usually ask him how work was and he says, "work-y." But this afternoon when he came home for lunch, he had a few other choice words in his answer!

While he dealt with difficult customers, I made a last-minute decision to run the Girls on the Run 5k this morning. I was hoping to beat my Truffle Shuffle time and run a sub-32 minute race, but instead I finished in 32:58. Not terrible, considering I didn't have my long-legged running buddy (Ross) with me.

I walked 1 minute at mile 1, 1 minute at mile 2, and 1 minute at mile 2.5. I ran the first mile without stopping in 9:59! After that you have to factor in the walking, but I also know I slowed down a bit. Mile 2 was 10:42 and Mile 3 was 11:01. Mile 0.14 was 1:16. I'm happy with my time because I know I was pushing myself and I also have to factor in the heat that I'm no longer used to. (But I am glad summer seems to be arriving after all... April showers lasted a good 2 months here).

The 5k "route" was a glorified 2 laps around a parking lot, so I wasn't too into the race itself, but Girls on the Run sounds like a really cool program! I may look into being a volunteer coach this fall to give me something to do on my days off.

*Running to him was real; the way he did it was the realest thing he knew. It was all joy and woe, hard as diamond; it made him weary beyond comprehension. But it also made him free.* –from Once a Runner by John L. Parker, Jr.

Keep on keepin' on

I haven't said a whole lot about marathon training lately, but I'm still running 3 times a week! My mileage ticker is slowly but surely creeping upward (see the dailymile.com box in the right sidebar). I'm having some issues with sore feet and extremely tight calves after standing all day at work, but I'm just happy I'm still going. Slow and steady *finishes* the race.

The Happiness Project

*If anything is worth trying at all, it’s worth trying at least 10 times.*
-Art Linkletter

*What I’ve experienced is that I can’t know the future. I can’t know if anything that I do will change what happens tomorrow. I can’t know with certainty, but what I do know is if I do nothing, nothing will change.*
—James Orbinski

*Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then, do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.*
-Margaret Young

Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring. In which case, you were also meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought.
-LOTR Fellowship of the Ring

*Let the resurrection joy lift us from loneliness and weakness and despair to strength and beauty and happiness.*
-Floyd W. Tomkins

*The only people we can’t forgive are the ones we are still afraid of.*

*Avoid destructive thinking. Improper negative thoughts sink people. A ship can sail around the world many, many times, but just let enough water get into the ship and it will sink. Just so with the human mind. Let enough negative thoughts or improper thoughts get into the human mind and the person sinks just like a ship.*
-Alfred A Montapert

*The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.*

Or, you could go with Homer Simpson's theory: *Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.*

*Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.*
-Chili Davis

And as my brother Bobby says, *You don't stop playing when you grow up, you grow up when you stop playing.*

Comfort Cookies

It will come as no surprise to anyone who has ever lived with me when I say that homemade chocolate chip cookie dough is my ultimate comfort food.

I read this on one of the blogs I follow, and I immediately empathized:

The act of combining sugar, flour, eggs and vanilla brought me right home again. I used my favorite recipe ever and they came out perfectly. They always do. That’s why I love these cookies so much. It’s like when nothing seems to be going right and everything is up in the air, you know that if you combine these ingredients and follow the fine print, you will have your cookies.

They will turn out.

And I think that’s why I bake.

Of course, her drug cookie of choice is sugar, but I can forgive her for that.

My baking habit makes so much sense now! It's something predictable. The act of baking and following a recipe is comforting (of course, eating dough along the way doesn't hurt either).

As my last few night shifts drag on. and. on. I have a feeling I'll be baking a batch of my own favorite cookies in the very near future. That is, if Ross hasn't eaten my hidden stash of chocolate chips, which I try to save for this exact reason! (It wouldn't be the first time).

I've even had the Toll House recipe memorized since 8th grade (and made several adjustments along the way).

Cream:
1 stick unsalted butter at room temperature
3/4 cup granulated sugar
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 tsp. vanilla

Add:
2 eggs, beating well after each one

In a seperate bowl, mix:
2 1/4 cup unbleached white flour
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. baking soda

Slowly add the dry mix to the wet one, beating well throughout.

Then add 1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chunks and mix.

Roll into 1-inch balls and bake at 375*F for 8 minutes.

So predictable.

Anyone wanna come over for cookies this weekend? I think I'm going to have a few to spare.

4/25 addendum: I worked 3 nights in a row and Ross did, indeed, finish the chocolate chips. I need to find a better hiding spot!

Inspiration

I'm back!?

When you're little and you fall down, your parents tell you to "get back in the saddle" and keep going. I had to tell myself that's what today was in my running journey. There comes a point when you need to suck it up and get back on track.

I was starting to get pretty down on myself for not running in almost 3 WEEKS! Granted, my back was killing me the first week and I went on two slow, easy runs in Amarillo and then worked WAY too much the rest of the second week, but still. I went to Bikram Wednesday and Saturday and it has helped my back a lot. It's still very tight, but I need to remember to keep going to yoga once a week to stay loose and injury-free.

Today was a slow, short run. I can tell I've lost some strength and endurance since my last good run, which is a bit discouraging. However, I worked up a sweat and defintitely got my heart rate up. I need to keep focusing on the positive. I do notice that I feel happier after working out. Like Lance Armstrong says, "What am I on? I'm on my bike 6 hours a day. What are you on?" (Speaking of biking, now that it's warm, Ross and I need to find some good routes around here!)

As I was sitting here moping about how much I've fallen behind in my training, I read through some blogs I follow and found this timely post on No Meat Athelte. (Click the underlined words to go to the link). The basic premise is, like Hal Higdon says, "Putting miles in your training log is like putting money in the bank. You begin to draw interest on it immediately." I don't know about drawing interest, but I am keeping tally of my total mileage on dailymile.com now to encourage me and prove to myself that I am (or will be, eventually) improving and building endurance. Every step I take is literally a step toward that goal.

Imaginary Distresses

I go through phases of feeling really sorry for myself on night shift. In fact, you're probably sick of hearing about it! However, I recently picked Screwtape Letters off my bookshelf again. It's been a long time since I read it and it's the type of book that will speak differently to you depending on where you are in life.

Among some night shifters (the ones who can't return to a "normal" schedule on their days off, no matter how hard they try), there's a phenomenon called "shift work disorder." This applies to the people who suffer insomnia and excessive sleepiness from working nights.
The CDC did a study a few years ago and found that, obviously, most of the risks associated with night work are related to a simple lack of sleep and not being able to keep up steady, healthy behaviors- such as eating right and getting exercise. This, of course, leads to higher rates of cardiac disease and metabolic syndromes in night-shift workers. Digestive problems are also common, either because of poor eating habits or because the digestive system isn't used to working hard in the middle of the night.
I frequently complain of one or more of the above issues, including not being awake do to normal things with normal people at normal times of the day (or run errands during normal business hours). Poor me, right? Well, C.S. Lewis managed to kick me in the butt this week!
In Screwtape Letters, two demons are writing letters back and forth about the soul of an unfortunate man they always refer to as "the patient". The demons are trying to win the man's soul despite his conversion to Christianity and God's love for him (they refer to God as the Enemy). Quotes can be confusing out of context, but bear with me. Or even better, read the book! It's amazingly thought-provoking, but not in a way that makes it a chore to read. It's very much a story we can all learn from and not just some Christian living manual.
But I digress. Here I am, feeling sorry for myself, and I read about "the patient" taking a walk and renewing his faith in God. The senior demon writes to the younger one, saying:

...you allowed (the patient) two real positive pleasures. Were you so ignorant as not to see the danger of this? The characteristic of Pains or Pleasures is that they are unmistakably real and therefore give the man who feels them a touchstone of reality. Thus if you had been trying to damn your man by the Romantic method- by making him a kind of Childe Harold submerged in self-pity for imaginary distresses- you would try to protect him at all costs from any real pain; because, of course, five minutes' genuine toothache would reveal the romantic sorrows for the nonsense they were and unmask your whole stratagem.

I realized at that moment that I am certainly a victim of my own imaginary distresses. I had to stop and take stock of reality. Life's not perfect, but I certainly don't have it too bad! Sure, I hate my schedule, but I have a steady job! Yes, I took a paycut to move up here and I'm not used to income taxes, but I get regular paychecks every 2 weeks! I may not see my husband a lot right now, but he works so hard and I know I married a man with a wonderful heart. Yes, my back hurts and I'm struggling to live a healthy lifestyle without a healthy sleep pattern, but overall, I am still young and healthy! Most importantly, no, I cannot control my life or those around me, but God knit my inner being and He knows when I sit and when I stand. I was raised by amazing parents who taught me to turn to God in all circumstances.

Ross, my "baby" brother Bobby, me, and my Dad at the 2010 Big 12 Tournament (By the way, Mom, did you get any good pictures of the two of us when you were in town a few weeks ago?!)

Ross being a kid with the two boys I babysat in Fort Worth

I saw a homeless man on the corner today with crutches, a bad leg, and rags for clothes. Call me a sucker, but it always hurts my heart to see that depth of pain and vulnerability! (Homeless discussion aside, please. Yes, there are 1,000 reasons people are begging for change on the corner and not all of them are honorable or necessary. But it still hurts my heart.) I'm sitting here in my heated, (partially) furnished apartment with the knowledge that next Friday is payday and I have to admit that my life is pretty cushy.

September 2009: taking a walk in the Florida Keys. Definitely a Real Pleasure!

The demons want to detach their "patient" from REAL pleasures and pains and I very much recognize that sin in my life. Time goes by faster if I walk around in a general haze, always blaming others for my problems, and feeling sorry for myself. God watch to detach us from ourselves, but in a different ways. The demon tells his apprentice,

(God) sets an absurd value on the distinctness of every human. When He talks of their losing their selves, He only means abandoning the clamour of self-will; once they have done that, He really gives them back all their personality, and boasts that when they are wholly His they will be more themselves than ever. Hence, while He is delighted to see them sacrificing even their innocent will to His, He hates to see them drifting away from their own nature for any other reason.

Boy am I guilty of drifting away from my own nature in a bad way! I don't feel like myself when I'm tired, cranky, self-centered, and selfish, but it's become such a habit I suppose that's what others see when they look at me. I'm not myself, and I'm not His either! What a scary place to be, and I know I no longer want to be here. I'm sure it hurts God's heart to see one of his children trying to make time pass quickly when time is such a gift, a luxury, and not something to fritter away. I need to live in the present, not yesterday or tomorrow.
In fact, C.S. Lewis says, "the Present is the point at which time touches eternity. Of the present moment, and of it only, humans have an experience analogous to the experience which (God) has of reality as a whole; in it alone freedom and actuality are offered them." God would rather have us continually concerned with eternity or with the Present. Not the past or earthly future. Living in the present, Lewis notes, means "obeying the present voice of conscience, bearing the present cross, receiving the present grace, and giving thanks for present pleasure." Quite a task!

Springing Forward

March 20 is the first day of spring this year and everyone is ready for it! Most people do hate losing the hour of sleep that "springing forward" brought this weekend, but I worked that night and losing the hour from 2-3 AM made a huge difference! An 11-hour shift is so much better than a 12-hour shift.

We got to Amarillo safely yesterday and today it's sunny and 58 degrees. Ross and I went for a 30 minute walk around his parent's neighborhood and my back is still very tight, but not as painful. I think I'll stretch tonight and hopefully try running again tomorrow. I love a good run in this weather!

I was reading my favorite springtime book (Animal, Vegetable, Miracle-- a must-read if you haven't yet) and I had to share this:

...springtime makes people crazy. We expect too much, the world burgeons with promises it can't keep, all passion is really a setup, and we're doomed to get our heats broken yet again. I agree, and would further add: Who cares? Every spring I go there anyway, around the bend, unconditionally. I'm a soul on ice flung out on a rock in the sun, where the needles that pierced me begin to melt all as one.

On the new edge of springtime when I stand on the front porch shadowing my eyes from the weak morning light, sniffing out a tinge of green on the hill and the scent of yawning earthworms, oh, boy, then! I roll like a bear out of hibernation.

The maple buds glow pink, the forsythia breaks into its yellow aria. These are the days we can't keep ourselves indoors around here, any more than we believe what out eyes keep telling us about the surrouding land (i.e. that it is still a giant mud puddle, now lacking its protective covering of ice).

So it comes to pass that one pair of boots after another run outdoors and come back mud-caked-- more shoes than we even knew we had in the house, proliferating like wild portobellos in a composty heap by the front door. So what? Noah's kids would have felt like this when the flood had almost dried up: muddy boots be hanged. Come the end of the dark days, I am more than joyful. I'm nuts.

-Barbara Kingsolver

Well-put Ms. Kingsolver; I couldn't have said it better myself. I am more than joyful when sunny days arrive again!