Breathe

Two things.

1.) Who knew being back at work work today would be such a breath of fresh air? I was stretched further than I relized in the last two days and familiar faces and routines were a sweet relief this morning.

2.) Back in college, my favorite song was called "Breathe (2am)." The line that had me listening to the song on repeat crooned, "There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout. 'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out. And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again. If you'd only try turning around."

I was struggling a lot during those years-- yearning for control yet not knowing where my life was going to go. Except I couldn't put my feelings into words back then and I just felt general teen angst for lack of a better term.

If I start thinking too hard right now, that familiar angst tries to come creeping back. I spent the last 2 days working very long 12-hour clinical shifts in charge of a cohort of students and yesterday around lunchtime, when I realized I was actually going to survive those first two days (thanks for all the prayers), it hit me that I still had to go to work work this week and my heart sank. Five 12s in six days doesn't leave much time for reading and writing the paper that I have due on Monday. It also doesn't leave much time to hang out with my husband who's also busy with school.

Really, the point I'm trying to make here is that a.) I'm surprisingly not drowning in panic like I was this past January when I was equally as busy, if not more so. I am exhausted, though. And b.) there's a light at the end of this tunnel. I finish my current class and clinical rotation mid-October and conveniently (more Providence than coincidence) the Influence Conference falls over my fall break. I bit the bullet this summer and bought a ticket. A friend even set me up with my roomie: the lovely Emily from Country Roots and Cowgirl Boots.

Influence is a Christian women's conference that stemmed from the conversations of several women and their desire to make much of Jesus. I was sold when I read this description:

"If you’ve ever wondered how or why the Lord was going to use you in your home, work, community, or online – Influence is a fantastic place to connect and learn. We believe that God has given you influence right where you are, for one purpose: to make much of Him. At Influence we’re going to dig into the common thread of all of us – the Good News. We plan on doing a little teaching, talking, sharing, and celebrating concerning the ways He might want to use you on the individual platforms He’s given."

Since the conference is rapidly approaching, a few bloggers thought it would be fun to link up to some other women attending. I'm linking up to Jessi's post over at Naptime Diaries. The prompts for the meet and greet are pretty simple:

3 get-to-know-me things
2 things I'm looking forward to about the conference
1 thing I can't leave home without

get to know me

...I desire deep friendships but between being introverted and hearing impaired, I fear I often come across as rude. If I don't talk to you, please come up and talk to me! I'm just waiting for an icebreaker. Also, if we're talking and I don't reply or if I have a confused look on my face, I probably didn't hear you. I'm not ignoring you. I love listening!

...Completely on a whim, I changed my major to nursing at college orientation. I wanted to change majors every semester thereafter, but for some reason I stuck with it. The minute I graduated, I realized choosing nursing was one of the best decisions I ever made and I can't take any credit for it!

...I'm the oldest of 4 kids and the only girl. Consequently, I tend to mother people. It works great for my babies at work, but not so great for the ever-loving people in my life who don't want to be treated like they're 5 years old. Oops!

what I'm looking forward to at Influence

...Meeting like-minded women and making lasting friendships with women I seem to have a lot in common with.

...Exploring a new city and taking a vacation without the weight of homework hanging over me.

can't leave home without

...A water bottle and a snack in my purse. If I do leave without these things, I'm often cranky a few hours later!

p.s. 

...I'd love to learn how to blog less about myself and more about God's glory.

{my first day on the other side of clinicals}

This Master's degree I'm working toward? It's a Master of Science in Nursing with an emphasis in Education (it was either that or Administration and I would be a terrible manager).



I'm a teaching assistant at my school right now and I kind of got shoved into the role of clinical instructor this semester, which I wasn't really prepared for. Yesterday was the first day and oh. my. gosh. It was so stressful!

I mean, I wanted to alternately throw up, cry, and quit right this second all morning. I kept praying it would get better and eventually, once the unit census picked up and the students had something to do, I felt a bit of relief.

But JEEZ I was exhausted when I got home. I mean really, I wasn't even thinking straight or making conversation with Ross even though I was so relieved to come home to him at the end of the day.

I did get one of the best compliments of my life a few hours before post-conference, though. I was walking down the hallway and as I passed a nurse practitioner she said, "I've heard nothing but good things about you and your students today. Sometimes students just get in the way but not you guys!" I was walking on air after that. But this morning, I'm back to panic. Now I have to uphold that standard.

I could keep rambling, but I need to go do some quiet time before the crazy starts all over again. I'm still not sure I "have what it takes" to be a nurse educator per this video, but I'm chugging along.

If you're so inclined, please pray for my students and me today!

This Summer

Happy Labor Day! I'm not ready to surrender to fall quite yet, but Ross had I have had a blissfully relaxing weekend and I've had some time to reflect on the whirlwind that was this summer.

This summer...

I did a lot of Bible reading,

Body Pump,

and swimming.

I biked to the pool.

I got my first flat tire in thousands of miles, thanks to a goat head thorn.

I earned the best tanlines I've had since high school.

I eased back into running and biking.

I learned that exercising for my physical, mental, and emotional health actually makes me a happier person and it's possible to stay in shape without training for a race.

This summer was the best summer of my life.

And it ties with last summer for also being the worst summer of my life.

I enjoyed 7 blissful weeks off of school and redeemed my quiet time and my daily routines.

Of course, I wrestled with several existential questions and I'm still struggling with a few.

I was much more social that I have been in a long while.

I finished my weekend contract and then worked night shift for 2 weeks to help with staffing.

I kept my promises.

I went without internet at home for the month of July and I wish I could get rid of it again right now.

I stuck to a budget and I liked it.

I did more reading for fun than I've done in years.

I saw a lot of sunrises and sunsets. 

I ate only local food for one week and it was much more work than I anticipated.

I committed to attending one church regularly instead of bouncing around.

I found a restaurant with a menu full of desserts that won't upset my stomach!

I found a butcher shop I love.

I found a sno cone/coffee/homemade soda shop I love.

I finally clicked with Kansas City. Greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done here.

I got to spend time with my family.

Ross and I took a staycation to Excelsior Springs in July and had a blast.

I fell more in love with my husband.

I fell more in love with my Savior, and my need for Him has never been greater.

I fell more in love with summer and more in love with life.

Amen.


What was the best part of your summer?

Cornbread 'Quiche'

Since school has started, the next 5 weeks find me doing school work + working four 12-hour shifts every week (2 as a clinical instructor, 2 as a NICU RN). In my life, that's Busy with a capital B. I still feel best when I'm eating my vegetables. I don't have time to prep a nice dinner most nights, and I can't afford to buy a bunch of prepared salads and cooked dishes, so I'm trying to get creative. This recipe is inspired by one Caitlin posted a few weeks ago.

Crust
(based off of my gluten-free cornbread recipe)

1 cup finely ground corn meal
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp xantham gum (optional) 
1/4 tsp salt
1 egg (or a flax or chia egg)
2 Tbs. olive oil
1 Tbs. honey
1/2 cup milk of choice

 
Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

Mix the corn meal, baking powder, xantham gum, and salt well in a medium bowl.

In a small bowl mix the oil, honey, and egg.

Add wet to dry and stir until just incorporated. The mixture will seem dry and crumbly.

Coat a round pie pan lightly with cooking spray. Press the dough into the bottom of the pan and bake for 10 minutes.

Quiche 

4 eggs
1 cup fresh veggies (I used 1 zucchini and threw in some leftover black beans)
1/4 cup liquid (Milk, cream, or salsa would work. I used leftover enchilada sauce this time.)

While the crust is baking, saute veggies on the stove (I used 1 zucchini today and threw in some leftover black beans). Then whip eggs + liquid of choice in a small bowl. Remove the crust from the oven and layer the veggies over the crust. Then pour the egg mixture on top.

Place back in the oven and bake for 20 minutes. Makes 4 servings.

Caramel Pear Crisp

This is for my co-worker Karen, who always gazes longingly at the hospital cafeteria's cobbler and moans about how bad it is. I promised her ages ago that cobbler could be healthy but I'm just now getting around to typing this out. You see, I use rough ratios for this "recipe" and it changes a little each time. It's hard to go wrong here!

Caramel Pear Crisp

Fruit Filling:
3 cups fruit (this can vary between 2-5 cups, really. And frozen or fresh doesn't really matter.)
2 Tbs sugar or honey
3 Tbs water
1/2 Tbs cornstarch
1/2 tsp cinnamon (feel free to add more if pears or apples are your fruit of choice and less if you're using berries)
1 tsp vanilla

Crumble Topping:
1/4 cup flour (I use oat flour, but if you're okay with gluten you can use spelt or whole wheat)
1/4 cup old-fashioned oats
1/4 cup almond meal (or more flour)
1/4 cup crushed walnuts
1 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
2 Tbs sugar
1/2 tsp cinnamon
2 Tbs butter
1/3 cup milk (as usual, I use SoDelicious unsweetened coconut milk)

Preheat oven to 400F and grease a large pie dish.

In a large pot or skillet with the heat off, stir together the sugar, cornstarch, and cinnamon. Add water and whisk until smooth. Mix in your sliced fruit and mix until coated. Bring fruit mixture to a boil. Reduce heat and cook for 3-5 minutes. Remove from heat and stir in vanilla. Spoon cooked fruit into prepared pan.

In a medium-sized bowl, whisk together the dry ingredients. Cut in the butter until mixture is crumbly. Stir in the milk until combined. Spoon the batter over the fruit.

Bake at 400F for 25-30 minutes until golden. Serve immediately with your favorite ice cream and a drizzle of homemade caramel sauce (recipe to come)!

Steady my Heart

A week or so ago, my friend Jami wrote a delightful post on her introverted nature. I wanted to shout "Amen!" after every paragraph:

When we get snowed in, I'm thrilled. When things get cancelled, I feel like I just won the lottery. when I'm alone, I feel like I can finally get things sorted out that are running around in my brain.

Being with people all day makes me tired. When I come home from work, sometimes I'm exhausted because I work in the NICU and it can get crazy and my brain has to be "on" for 12 hours straight and my legs hurt from standing all day. But usually I'm just tired because I had to talk to people all day. Sad but true.

Right now, I have too much solitude on my days off. I'm shocked that I'm starting to hate it. I LOVE downtime, but when it's just me, myself, and I, things can get stale. I waste a little too much time. I think about myself a little bit too much. I write rambling, self-centered blog posts and resort to emoticons to illustrate the rueful expression on my face :o)

The thing about Jami's post is that while she's undeniably a self-described hermit, she's really funny. And fun to be around in large groups. In contrast, every single day in the last week I've had an encounter that reminds me I am a total wallflower. I am so painfully shy, yet I so deeply want to reach out and connect and interact with others at the heart of matters.

I'm discouraged because it feels like every time I try to reach out or enter a conversation, it comes across as awkward or rude and the conversation falters. You know what? It hurts just as much now as it did when I would come home crying from grade school. Yet just like my mom and dad always told me, comparing myself to others won't get my anywhere.

I'm excited that this fall I have no choice but to bust out of my hermitudinal routine. I'm grateful that a change of pace will shake things up, but I'm also really, really terrified. Sitting in a classroom with other people is okay. I'm used to that. However, I'm also in charge of a clinical group for two shifts a week in an unfamiliar hospital, with rotations through unfamiliar units. Of course, I'm not expected to be friends with my students (that would be bad, actually) but I do want them to respect me. Awkward and unsure just don't look good on someone in a professional adult role.

Proverbs 17:22 says, "a cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." I've noticed that when I'm trying too hard to fit in, I resort to gossip or catty remarks. That's not me! I don't want that to become me, either. But the more crushed my spirit becomes in my failed attempt to make friends and fit in, the more awkward I get. And I don't mean awkward in a cute, funny way. I mean awkward in the sense that I can no longer think of anything to say to carry a conversation forward and I look like a dunce.

Alternately, a cheerful heart will radiate outward when I allow myself to stand firm in my confidence in Christ and stop trying to impress others. That confidence, though, is where I waver. Even when my mind knows that God says,

"Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." {Isaiah 41:10}

It's so hard for me to believe this sometimes, because I like to think that I'm in control here. Thankfully, Sarah reminded me today that a cheerful heart is good medicine. That "the best way to heal something inside yourself is to do something outside yourself. Do it with joy. Do it with gratitude."

I'm not saying that I should stop trying to make friends. Clearly, that's worked so well for me the past three years (where's that sarcasm font when you need it?!) I have approximately two friends here, and I need to put effort into maintaining and deepening those relationships. I still need to step outside my comfort zone and attend social events and invite people over. But maybe I need to stop trying in an overly desperate way.

Proverbs 17:24 reminds me, "a discerning person keeps wisdom in view but a fool's eyes wander to the ends of the earth." There's only One Place I need to be looking to for confidence. Ultimately, I don't need affirmation from my peers. When I'm tempted to think that my worth is based upon how others look at me, I need to take a step back to gain perspective and rest in The One who always accepts me, even when I least deserve it. As I grow in confidence of that Good News, I'm hoping and praying that a cheerful heart attracts friends.

Wish it could be easy  

Why is life so messy  

Why is pain a part of us 

There are days I feel like  

Nothing ever goes right  

Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You're here  

You're real 

I know I can trust You
Even when it hurts  

Even when it's hard 

Even when it all just falls apart  

I will run to You  

'Cause I know that You are  

Lover of my soul Healer of my scars 

You steady my heart (x2)

 
I'm not gonna worry  

I know that You got me  

Right inside the palm of your hand  

Each and every moment  

What's good and what gets broken 

Happens just the way that You plan

You are here  

You're real 

I know I can trust You
Even when it hurts  

Even when it's hard 

Even when it all just falls apart  

I will run to You  

'Cause I know that You are  

Lover of my soul Healer of my scars 

You steady my heart (x2)

  

And I will run to You  

And take refuge in Your arms  

And I will sing to You  

'Cause of everything You are
You steady my heart (x2)

Qunioa Enchilada Casserole

This recipe was so good, I didn't even get a picture of it before it was gone. Seriously. And, as the true mark of any good meal in our household, the flavors were actually even better in leftovers. We had a great week of lunches! Complete credit for this recipe goes to Sarah at Peas and Thank You. I simply made it a little more 'grown-up friendly.'

Quinoa Enchilada Casserole

• 1 c. quinoa, uncooked
• 1 c. vegetable broth
• 1 15 oz. can enchilada sauce
• 2 small/medium zucchini, shredded and squeezed to remove excess moisture
• 1 small onion, diced
• 2 cloves of garlic, minced
• 1 1/2 cups cooked black beans
• salt and pepper to taste
• 1 c. non-dairy organic cheese (I used Follow Your Heart cheddar)
• 1 3 oz. can sliced olives, drained
• 1 avocado, sliced (optional)
• cilantro for garnish (optional)

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

Rinse and drain the quinoa. Then in a medium sauce pot, combine quinoa, broth, and 1/2 cup of enchilada sauce. Bring to a boil over medium high heat.  Reduce heat, stir and cover. Simmer for 15-20 minutes.  Removed lid and cook for an additional minute or two, or until all of the liquid has been absorbed and quinoa is fully cooked.

Add shredded zucchini, remaining enchilada sauce, and garlic and heat until fully incorporated.  Stir in 3/4 cup of cheese and the black beans.

Transfer mixture to a large, greased casserole dish.

Top with grated cheese (I put real cheddar on Ross' half) and sliced olives.  Bake for 25-30 minutes or until cheese is bubbly. (To brown the top of the casserole, you can switch the oven over to the broil setting for the last several minutes)

Garnish with avocado and cilantro if desired.

Enjoy, and don't forget to save some for tomorrow's lunch!


P.S. I finally updated the recipe page.