5 Weeks: Don't Panic

This week didn't start out on a great note. What I thought was allergies last week turned into full blown laryngitis/bronchitis this week and I just felt awful. The Neti Pot and Zyrtec only go so far, and my asthma was acting up which made me more anxious. I started googling things like "can Advair cause miscarriage" even though my allergy doc told me to keep taking it! I'd turned into every healthcare provider's worst nightmare with my late nigh queries to Dr. Google.

I was surprised at how quickly that turned into a dark downward spiral. I seemed to lose all common sense and all textbook knowledge of answers I knew to be true! I was embarrassed that I was looking for validation on some random message board instead of listening to my doctor or trusted friends who have been through normal pregnancies!

The whole week gave me pause, thinking about how skewed pregnancy has become in our society. It seems to have become a fragile state, fraught with peril** in which EVERYBODY has an opinion and EVERYBODY thinks they're the expert. The disappearance of multi-generational households and the spread of families leads to an absence of the experience of watching someone close to you go through pregnancy from day one. Additionally, society today really seems to focus on keeping things hush-hush until the end of the first trimester, because the odds of loss are lower then. This seems to put a newly pregnant mom in quite a conundrum, then! Limited discussion during the newest and most unknown weeks of pregnancy? Of course everyone turns to Dr. Google!

After realizing this, I started to tell more people in person, a little earlier than I had originally intended. I needed to be able to ask, "is this normal" and "did this happen to you" in a real life context, and not online.

In other news, I'm feeling pretty self-conscious in my clothes. My jeans are already fairly tight after a Eurpoean vacation filled with delicious food and while any pregnancy related symptoms I may have are certainly mild enough to remain active (and oh, how my mental and emotional state benefits from working out) I only got to workout twice in the first week I was home from Slovenia, thanks to this ridiculous virus. So sure, I'm feeling acutely aware of early bloating (yes, I realize I will look back at this post and laugh).

I'm trying to take this in stride and haven't fully grasped that there will come a point when my waistline will be rapidly expanding despite healthy eating habits. I guess that's going to take more adjusting than I anticipated. Right now, all I can do is front-load veggies and protein, in the event that I develop any food aversions or bad nausea later on.

Thankfully, this week ended on a good note. I finally caught up on sleep and was able to spend a lot of time journaling and praying through my anxiety. I had to remind myself that anxious fear is not from the Lord: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7). And God, ever faithful, has been helping me ease my fears and relinquish control back to the One who really made this little life anyway, for as long as it's here to stay with us.




**Ok honestly, yeah, there are about a billion things that could go wrong every day with every cell division going on in there, but also. We're all here, right? We were all born. Pregnancy happens normally and uneventfully every day for so many people. Right?! But after 6 years of working in neonatology and perinatology, it seems like a straight-up miracle that any baby is born healthy and full-term. And even though statistics prove that's usually the case, it's no less of a miracle!

4 Weeks: what's another word for surreal?

Four weeks down, 36 to go! It actually feels kind of bizarre to type that, because it still all feels pretty dreamlike. This is something that happens to other people, not to me! This week would suggest that we're going to go ahead and get the pregnancy symptoms show on the road. But whether my discomfort right now is due to pregnancy, or allergies and jet leg is yet to be determined.

My biggest "symptom" in the past week was fatigue. Ridiculous. But I think I was transitioning off of vacation really badly, thanks to jet lag. I'd be so tired at 3pm (10pm in Ljubljana) and wide awake at 3am (10am in Ljubljana). To add insult to injury, I got back Sunday, didn't stop waking up at 3am until Friday night, and then had to turn around and work night shift Saturday night. It wasn't pretty.

Other symptoms (that I'm willing to share publicly, at least) have included morning temperatures as high as 99.5, and a flu-like feeling. On Wednesday morning I was feeling fairly miserable and I was convinced that I actually was getting sick after traveling. I had a headache, body aches, congestion, runny nose, and sore throat. Although really, those are also the same symptoms I've had on and off all summer thanks to a ridiculous allergy season.

The biggest thing I'd attribute to pregnancy this week is my thirst and the subsequent bathroom trips! I've always been a thirsty person, easily consuming 3 liters of water a day. Now, it's more like 4+ liters and ice water is even sounding good (usually it's room temp all the way).

Finally, I'm craving salty food and I'm somewhat averse to sweets at the moment. The Haribo gummy bears I brought back from Slovenia are all Ross' whereas normally I'd be fighting him for the clear ones and the red ones! I have been getting occasional waves of nausea, although to be fair this is something that happens to me normally when I'm overly tired. Just in case, I've started taking 25mg of Vitamin B6 three times a day. I'm hoping to avoid Unisom or, worse, Zofran because they really just wouldn't help my IBS symptoms.

My overarching thought this week has been incredulity at how long it's taking to sink in: we're pregnant! It's happening! I guess I thought that it would be magically real with that first positive test, but it's still so dreamlike. Even though we were hoping and trying. Even though the day I tested, I knew I was pregnant. (I honestly would've been more surprised to see a negative than a positive.) Yet, it's so intangible right now. A little poppyseed.

It's different than I thought it would be, and it's hard to believe it's happening to me after watching so many of my friends have their first, second, and even third and fourth kids! Now that our turn it's so new and so surreal. Life-changing yet not noticeable from the outside yet.

Pre-ultrasound, pre-lab draws, pre-visible baby bump... can you blame me for analyzing every possible symptom?

Little Orange Pill: One Year Later

Wow time flies! Remember when I started accutane this time last year? Well, I finished it at the end of May, and I keep wanting to write a bit of a review and survival tips for those thinking of taking it themselves. I was looking for an honest portrayal when I was making my decision, and I couldn't find one. Most stories online were of the "this ruined my life forever" variety, which freaked me out!

The Cliffs Notes version is this: I experienced a lot of unpleasant side-effects, but from where I sit today, it was worth it!

I was a mess going into it. There aren't a lot of pictures to use as "before" shots because I hated the way I looked so much. And those feelings were at the surface of some very deep feelings of dissatisfaction in who I was.

My acne ended up being much more stubborn than I anticipated and instead of taking accutane for 16-20 weeks, I was on it for 8 solid months.

Before // October 2012 // I can't believe I'm posting this

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One month in, all I noticed was dry skin. The acne was still there, and I was still breaking out. But the rest of my skin was dry. The nice thing about this month, though, was that my backne did clear up pretty quickly.

Two months in, same. My face was less red, but the pimples were still definitely there and multiplying.

Three months in, the rate of breakouts seemed to slow.

Four months in, I was finally starting to notice a difference.

Five and six months in, there were steady improvements, but I still had acne.

Seven months in, I was so over the side effects and my acne was almost gone. I really wanted to stop, but my dermatologist convinced me that one more month would really clear everything up. And what do you know? It did!

The eight month, I recognized myself in the mirror again for the first time in a long time! I can't overstate how good that feeling was!

After // July 2013

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That being said, I was so so so happy to be done taking that medication. Dry skin was a given. I  went through one tube of chapstick a month and one container of lotion every two months for the duration.  After a lot of trial and error, I amassed a collection of my favorite products. My skin was so sensitive and dry that some products would sting when applied, and only the really good products would actually moisturize for more than a few minutes. I mean, I would put Aquaphor on my hands at night and it would soak in within 5 minutes!

Clockwise from top left: 

-Redken moisturizing shampoo

-TIGI S Factor "Serious" Conditioner. My hair was so crispy dry on accutane and I only washed it once or twice a week. When I did, this is the only conditioner that even touched that dryness. It's amazing that my hair would actually feel soft and not crunchy when I got out of the shower.

-Jergens Ultra Healing body lotion. This was lightly scented and went on without stinging. It was moisturizing without being greasy, and absorbed well.

-Refresh Plus eyedrops for my dry eyes. I actually ended up having to get prescription Restasis because it was so bad in the end.

-Eucerin skin cream for the dry patches I would get. They were almost eczema-like and would mostly pop up on my arms, ears, and face.

-Olay Regenerist micro-sculpting cream (fragrance-free) for my face. So many scented moisturizers burned when I applied them to my face. This one didn't (most of the time) and it was so luxuriously moisturizing without being greasy. That being said, when even this stung my skin, I applied straight up coconut oil or aquaphor before bed.

-Saline nose spray to help prevent the nosebleeds that started about three months in.

-Not pictured because it was always in my pocket: chapstick! For the first few months, I really liked Blistex Cold & Allergy. But after a while, that wasn't touching the constant peeling. I picked up some Whole Foods brand oragnic vanilla honey lip balm on a whim, and fell in love. It worked so well! Brownie points for the fact that it was practically edible, with an ingredient list containing coconut oil, beeswax, olive oil, shea butter, natural flavor, cocoa butter, hemp seed oil, Vitamin E, vanilla extract, and honey. I'm sure I ate so much chapstick while I was on accutane...

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I also can't understate chiropractic care while I was on this medication. I've had IT joint trouble and hip and lower back pain on and off since high school, but it ramped into high gear after about a month on accutane. It was so awful, it hurt to sit, stand, and walk. I got a recommendation for a great chiropractor and haven't looked back. I'm so thankful I found her when I did!

The dry mouth was terrible, and I never did find a great solution. I'd sleep with water next to my bed because I'd inevitable wake up with cotton mouth several times each night. The months I did go to accupuncture and get herbs, I would notice an improvement, but I had trouble going consistently with my old job schedule.

I would be remiss if I didn't also mention depression. I was totally depressed this winter. Worse than I have been in years. Now, there were a lot of factors going into that, and a lot of life circumstances weighing heavy on my heart, but I can't deny that accutane probably also played a role. I felt much lighter after stopping the medication.

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I've been off accutane for 4 months now and I love my skin! The dryness is finally gone and I'm back to washing my hair every other day. To be fair, I should mention that I do usually get 1-2 pimples a month and the cause me anxiety not because they're so huge, but because I'm always worried that they are the start of all of it coming back. So far, so good, though. The pimples I do get are much smaller and go away much faster than they used to, and even my scars are still fading every month. Like I said, it's good to recognize the person looking back at you in the mirror!

Hello, October

I got back from Slovenia Sunday night and I'm in love! It's going to take me a few days to get through all the photos I took, but I can't wait to share!

In other news, fall came to Kansas City while I was gone. Also, my time away and subsequent return confirmed that I am definitely allergic to Kansas City. But it's so pretty in the fall! I hate feeling cooped up indoors.

I digress. While on the plane last week, I read Barbara Kingsolver's new book, Flight Behavior. I'm a fan of Kingsolver in general and the book was alluring, albeit mildly disturbing in its skepticism of God and marriage. But the story itself is about monarch butterflies and I liked it.

One line early on caught my eye and I thought about it all week:

...everything that came next was nonsensical, like a torrential downpour in a week of predicted sunshine that floods out the crops and the well-made plans. There is no use blaming the rain and the mud, these are only elements. The disaster is the failed expectation.

I just love everything about this and it hit a chord in my soul. Failed expectations have hurt me deeply in the last few years, but I feel like I'm moving into a place where I pack lighter and hold on more loosely. Having few expectations of my cobbled-together work situation, going on a great vacation I didn't plan and that I wasn't in control of, and watching the leaves change whether I'm ready or not reminds me that life without the constraints of my own expectations is so freeing.

That being said, the one thing I'm learning to count on time and time again is God. He is ALWAYS there, he ALWAYS keeps his promises, and he ALWAYS loves me. That's the one expectation I can count on coming to fruition.

Deuteronomy 7:8-9 gave me such a joyful heart yesterday:

It was because the Lord loved you and kept the oath he swore to your forefathers that he brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the land of slavery... Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations...

I hope this new season finds you with a new song in your heart. I'm not sure what winter holds, but it's sunny now and I'm happy. Hello, October.

Baby... Maybe

I took a pregnancy test when I got home from Slovenia. I'd had some vague symptoms in the two days prior to arriving back in the states, which shall go unmentioned here because my grandparents read this, for one (Hi Grandma!). But I was anxious to test when I got home even though I was groggy and dehydrated and jet-lagged and thus kind of out of it after being awake for 21 hours.

I left the test in the bathroom and went to the living room to eat dinner with Ross. I went back in the bathroom and there was a faint line. I was like, no, I'm seeing things. But I went back again a few minutes later and it was still there: a second line. I went back a few minutes after that and it was still definitely a line. A faint, faint, purple line. And then it hit me... wait. I'm pregnant? I'm pregnant! It's positive! It's faint but positive!

I told Ross to come look and I think my words were, "am I crazy or is there a second line here?" He said, "well, there's definitely a line. But it's so faint. It looks like it's not positive but not negative." I said, "not possible. It's a yes or no question. I shall pee on more money in the morning and compare the two tests."

So I did. And it was positive. Faint, but positive. I'll spare you a photo.

That was this morning. And all day it's been sinking in. I've been going back and looking at the test (gross?) every hour just to remind myself it's real! It's still hard to believe my eyes.

.................

Baby,

We are unbelievably excited.

It's so, so early: 3 weeks and 2 days. Yesterday was pretty much the earliest point at which First Response can detect hcg on a home test. All my experience in work and life makes me cautiously optimistic. My logic is trying to argue with my heart.

My logic sees NICU babies and fatal syndromes and incompetent cerivxes (cervices?), and preterm labor.

My work experience sees infertility as an epidemic and high-risk pregnancy as common. I was always so humbled and astounded at many moms' stories of courage and persistence and hope when I worked in the NICU and in the high-risk OB clinic.

In the past 6 years, I've had to say the words, "you might be having a miscarriage. Let's get you in for an ultrasound today." I've had to ask the question, "are you ready to pull the ventilator?" I've spent hours and hours obtaining prior authorizations for expensive medications that will help keep baby inside longer for patients who would otherwise deliver far too soon. I've said goodbye to babies who were delivered too soon.

My personal experience sees the ache of those who have been trying to conceive for years. The loss in the eyes of friends whose baby passed away after 7 months, 4 of which were spent in the NICU. Part of me can't even go there. Now, more than ever.

My internal disappointments in the past 2 1/2 years have led to doubt and angst and strife, and an inability to believe that things can go right the first time.

But. Baby. My eyeballs see a positive pregnancy test, and my heart is singing with joy. That we would be so lucky. That this morning, this one day in time, things would go well! I don't know if I'll be pregnant tomorrow, or two days from now, or two months from now. But honestly, at this point it's all already in motion. It will happen how it's going to happen and I've made as hospitable of a home as I can make for you, little one. Please stay a while. It's already so exciting knowing you're there!

Calling the OB office I used to work at and being able to say, "I got a positive pregnancy test and I need to make an appointment" was completely surreal. Labeling this post first trimester made me grin from ear to ear. It's finally my turn! It's real!

Welcome to earth, baby!

We love you already.

.................

To friends or family reading this with envy or despair or bitterness in your hearts: I'm so sorry. I debated posting these updates, since I've been the one on the other side of the screen, wanting something I could not yet have. However, this blog is my family scrapbook and more than ever it's a good way to keep family and friends in other states updated. Feel free to reach out via phone or e-mail if you want to talk more!

While it appears we don't need fertility assistance, we've had to wait a long long time for our marriage to be ready for such a special delivery. God is the author and perfector of this story, and he knows all the whens and whys. I've wanted a baby for years, but the reasons and timing were never quite right. God's timing is perfect. I'm humbled that he would ever choose us in all our sin and squalor to participate in so marvelous of a thing as creation. A tiny person! From two tiny cells!

Amen.

Celebration

Thanks so much for your kind words on yesterday's post! We're so happy to be celebrating 5 years of marriage. It's worth celebrating!

Speaking of which, I worked night shift this week and when I pulled up to the apartment yesterday morning, Ross was just leaving for work. He had a box in his arms and I smiled and waved as I parked. He smiled, and then slouched over and went back inside. Ha!

I walked up the stairs to see what was going on, and he was standing inside with a box in his hands, saying I'd caught him! He was trying to go to work with my anniversary gift, to surprise me with it when he got home and I woke up. Instead, I got to open it early.

But first, the back story:

I love baked goods and I was really particular about finding a wedding cake that was delicious more than anything else. We got our cakes from Cupcake Island in Omaha and we loved them! The main cake was lemon with raspberry filling, and the groom's cake was chocolate with strawberry filling. Yum! We cut and served our own cake at our reception and it was so fun.

Well, our wedding reception venue "lost" the top tier of our wedding cake, and I've always been pretty disappointed by that. We never got to eat gross freezer-burned cake on our anniversary! We kept meaning to go back and get more cake but then time went on, and then I stopped eating gluten, and then our marriage wasn't great.

But we were in Omaha this past winter and happened to drive by Cupcake Island for the first time in years-- and they had a sign in the window advertising gluten-free cupcakes! Apparently Ross started plotting.

This Wednesday, he DROVE TO AND FROM OMAHA to get a lemon cake with raspberry filling, decorated exactly like the top tier of our wedding cake, to celebrate 5 years! It was so thoughtful and symbolic and beautiful and delicious! A perfect gift. And I got to eat cake for breakfast.

The rest of our celebration was tonight. Per tradition, we went out for pizza! There's more of an explanation here, but basically we served pizza at our wedding reception and have since made it a tradition to celebrate our anniversary with a good pizza dinner!

Tonight we went to Waldo Pizza for the first time. I'm so bummed we didn't get a picture together, but we certainly did enjoy our food. (I got a GF Hawaiian pizza with jalepenos and vegan mozzarella. Don't knock it 'til you try it.)

I will go to bed tonight full of good food and good memories. Celebratory, indeed!

Five Years

Dear Ross,

Sometimes I feel like people don't take us seriously because we've "only" been married for 5 years, or because we don't have kids yet, or because we aren't homeowners. I have to remind myself, "don't let others look down on you because you are young..." But I also have to remember, we are young! (Even when I give you a hard time about being in the last year of your 20s).

During these early years, though, I've felt so old. I felt so worn, so broken, and so weary, so early on. We stumbled straight into "for worse" but today, despite all circumstances, I feel like we're easing into "for better." I'd love to stand here and say, we chose each other! We chose the hard thing! But really, the choice was never ours to make. God used the rough edges of the past 5 years to smooth our restless hearts and when we looked with clarity, the answer was already there: You were already always a part of me.

Our marriage was a teeter-totter for so long, ready to slam us on the ground either way at the slightest breath: all in or all out. It feels like God tipped the scales in favor of us before we were ever ready to put the work in. We were pulling one way, and he gently laid a loving but heavy hand on the opposite seat and said, come this way. We fought. But slowly, so slowly, our marriage began to tip toward all in.

And today, I have nothing but gratefulness in my heart that that slow, involuntary tip toward us has become a landslide. I'm all in. I know more about you than I ever fathomed the day we said "I do," but I also love you more than I ever thought I would.

God carried us through the dark days and showed us how to choose each other. We're growing into "for better" and it's that much sweeter now. Someday we'll be better at sharing our story. About boldly declaring, "look what God did when we messed up beyond the point of no return!"

But until then, we'll tell each other, and we'll tell those close to us. We'll remind each other that if God can know us intimately and still choose us, we can see the worst in each other and still choose love. Love sees the best, too. And loving you grows easier and easier.

Happy Anniversary!

All my love,

           your wife