The Right Thing at the Wrong Time

The right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing.

Such simple words, spoken by a wise woman.

The right thing
at the wrong time
is still the wrong thing.

I have pages and pages of notes from the Influence conference this weekend but that line keeps resonating with me. Unlike it seemed to be for a lot of people, Influence wasn't a super-fun amazingwonderfulspectacular weekend for me. It was, however, thought-provoking and life-affirming. Really, I couldn't think of a better way to sum up this past year. It seemed like each speaker in the "Life" track sessions addressed a different aspect of my 2012.

I slept less than I should have, but that was more thanks to taking Sudafed before bed than to late-night conversations. Even though my roommates and I weren't up late chatting, I couldn't have asked for a better group of girls. Chelsea, Heather, and Emily were easy-going, low-maintenance, and down-to-earth. (And I now know that when your friend is not 6 feet 3 inches tall, it's totally possible to comfortably share a full-sized bed with someone and not touch.)

From dinner Thursday night

So have I been influenced? Absolutely. I'm ready to set this little light of mine on a hill. Witnessing God's work this year has been the joy of my heart and it's growing harder and harder not to share what he's done: pain, mess, and all.

Yet I hesitate. I'm nothing if not impulsive. All-or-nothing. Black and white. This weekend re-affirmed that this season I'm in? It's called waiting. And I'm so pleased to obey my good and gracious Father for once. I don't need to move forward for the sake of progress. I don't need to rationalize decisions and barge into something that allows my kingdom to come and my will to be done. That's ugly. And I've done that for far, far too long.

I feel the simultaneous and conflicting, yet complimentary tensions between 1 Peter 3 and Isaiah 54:

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. [1 Peter 3:3-4]

I've spent so much time being quiet and bitter, or quiet and scared, or quiet and awkward. But finally, I feel the tug toward a quiet and gentle spirit.  At the same time, the Lord says,

Enlarge the place of your tent,
stretch your tent curtains wide,
do not hold back;
lengthen your cords,
strengthen your stakes.
For you will spread out to the right and to the left;
your descendants will dispossess nationsand settle in their desolate cities. [Isaiah 54:2-3]

I loved that image when Jessi read this verse on Friday. The call to stretch your tent curtains and lengthen your cords is a call I've reluctantly and unwillingly answered this year. But in retrospect, God is using this stress to strengthen my stakes and I'm rooted anew in a Savior I can never deserve.

I still have a lot to think about and digest, but I'm grateful for this weekend. Grateful for vulnerability. Grateful that I had the opportunity to leave home and become a part of this 'tribe of women,' if you will. And I'm overwhelmingly grateful that absence makes the heart grow fonder and I came home to husband willing to listen to me sort some of this stuff out. So grateful.

P.S. The hotel was attached to a nice mall and I finally tried on a pair of Toms. I bought them on the spot. They're like sweatpants for your feet. Watch out, world. My wardrobe just got more casual. (I can hear Ross cringing already).

Vulnerability

Vulnerable (vul·ner·a·ble) adj.

Susceptible to physical or emotional injury.

Susceptible to attack.

Open to censure or criticism; assailable.

I am headed to Indianapolis tomorrow with a handful of people I kind of know and lots of people I've never met. This is very unlike me. I'm a homebody and I like familiarity and routine.

I'm... nervous. And feeling very, very vulnerable. What if these strangers judge me for my frizzy, uneven hair and my ill-fitting clothes? Why has my face broken out again? Why am I so nervous I'm actually nauseated? Will I be able to get the sleep I desperately need this weekend?

Please pray for me if you are so inclined. I see this weekend going one of two ways: 1.) I pull my usual stunts when I'm overwhelmed and I basically cower in a corner and don't talk to anyone because I'm intimidated. 2.) By the grace of God I'm able to reach out and partake in conversations and develop real friendships with other women who have similar interests.

Let's hope for the latter!

The Husband I Always Wanted

I recently listened a sermon entitled, New Marriage, Same Spouse. If you had shared this concept with me a year ago, I would have scoffed and laughed nervously. But mercy found me this summer.

Hope is real.

And God is bigger than I ever would have dreamed.

I have a bad habit of discussing an impending decision ad nauseum until I've talked myself in a circle and everyone around me has tuned out. The latest topic du jour has been a mission trip to Guatemala that I need to decide on... today.

Ever since I became a Registered Nurse five years ago (yikes!), I've wanted to use the education I was blessed with for the benefit of someone outside myself. To make a difference and not just a paycheck.

Time and time again opportunities have presented themselves and then fallen through. Last month, I heard about a chance to go to Guatemala through my school. The timing seems perfect and the price is right. I used to be obsessed with Guatemala when I was little. The trip is a pediatric nursing mission trip through a Christian university for crying out loud. How great is that?!

So I signed up and paid a deposit, but it didn't sit well. I wasn't filled with fear of going or a gut feeling that I was making a bad decision, but I just wasn't excited. If anything, I was more afraid of not going and missing out! I was growing frustrated with God. I wanted a clear answer. But all I could think was, I'm so tired right now. Taking a month off from school, being done with my teaching assistant job, hanging out with family over the holidays... those things sound really good. I know this is coming from a place of fatigue and weariness, but I can't deny those feelings.

I have another bad habit of presenting a situation to Ross, asking his opinion, and then playing devil's advocate and arguing the other side until he's really confused and frustrated. This usually ends in an argument not at all related to the decision I was trying to make in the first place. But last night, we discussed. We kept digging. Ross gave an opinion and held his ground. I fretted. Ross presented his case clearly and made me laugh, and I felt at peace.

I'm sad that this trip doesn't seem to be in the cards for me, but I'm overwhelmingly grateful that my husband listened to my heart and helped me make a tough decision! My fear of missing out is really a deep-seated fear that God won't provide the perfect mission trip on my timetable. And that's always a hard lesson to learn.

Instead of cramming more on my plate right now, I'm trying to keep all the current balls in the air and anticipate the moment when I can just sit down and stop juggling.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, 

and I will give you rest.  {Matthew 11:28}

Thoughts Brewing

This weekend, we were social! With friends! Rachel's birthday was this past week and we went on a Boulevard Brewery tour to celebrate.

{P.S. That beer? TOTALLY worth a few sips of each. It was the first beer I've had in years and I loved it! From left to right, I tried Boulevard Stout, Ginger, and Tank 7 Farmhouse Ale. The Stout and Tank 7 were outstanding.}

As for Rachel, I think she was more excited about the sushi dinner after the tour! We had a fun afternoon and evening and when we got home I realized I was feeling... content.

Don't get me wrong, life is still ridiculous and I'm so uncertain about so many things, but that time with friends, getting to know a city I love with people I love? Priceless.

And I do indeed love this city. It only took 3 years and a few major heart changes along the way, right?

Currently: October

I saw this list on Magnolia Grace and I really liked it. The "present" is ever-changing and this seems like a fun way to document it! Today, I'm grumpily home on a forced sick day. Darn you chicken pox virus... hiding in my nervous system, ready to strike when I'm at my weakest.

Location: Our one-bedroom, third-floor apartment in Kansas. As of this month, we've been in this apartment for two years and this city for three years!

Watching: The timer... I have cookies in the oven. And the phone... I'm playing phone tag with the doctor's office.

Eating: WAY too much cookie dough. Ugh.

Drinking: Ginger tea in hopes that I can stave off the stomachache that will inevitably come from the above sentiment.

Wanting: To feel peace in my heart.

Needing: To be present and prioritize my time better.

Loving: The warm sunshine today! I hear a cold front is coming in tonight.

Creating: ??? I need to write a paper later...

Thinking: That I can't make up my mind about anything right now and I want to quit everything. Black-and-white thinking, no?

Feeling: I'm embarrassed that my plate is so small. My life isn't even close to being as busy as some other people's lives, but this illness and mandatory sick day is pretty good evidence that I just can't handle having this much on my plate.

Wondering: What beautiful things could possibly come out of this mess of me right now.

Clinical Teaching {Check}

Today was our last day of clinicals and my students all passed with flying colors. I, on the other hand, woke up in a cold sweat at 4am because surely over the last 5 weeks I've done something terribly wrong. Clinicals have been going too smoothly to be true. (Of course, we did have a small "incident" this morning involving a rude nurse and an overly-anxious student, but it was a personal problem that wasn't handled professionally, and it didn't affect patient care.)

My students swear they learned a lot. What they don't know is that every time they would say, "Therese I have a question" I would not and smile and think ohmygoshIhopeIknowtheanswer.

On our last day, several nurses between the NICU, mother/baby, and labor and delivery told me that this was one of the best clinical groups they've ever seen: the students were helpful instead of annoying, they were smart, they were eager to jump in... I wish I could take credit, but I can't. The school must've taken pity on me and given me the best students.

I am eternally grateful to a handful of nurses on each unit who taught my students more than I ever could. I'm privileged to have worked alongside such wonderful ladies! And my students... man. I think I'm stressed? That Accelerated BSN program is not for the faint of heart. Then they were so sweet to thank me with a generous gift. They said Ross and I should go to the movies for a belated anniversary celebration!

The past two months have been tough. I'm 27 years old with a college degree, but I have a deep-seated fear that someone will "discover" that I'm just an imposter in this life. That I'm not qualified to do any of these things. I mean, I can't even remember to get new license plate tags when they're due. Who am I to teach nursing students how to do sterile procedures and what qualifies as a post-partum hemorrhage?

I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

Blueberry Orange Scones

This is a Paleo recipe. That means there's no added sugar, no grain, and no dairy. I used orange juice as a bit of a sweetener here, but it's 100% juice with no sugar added. The recipe is really dense so sugar-free doesn't necessarily mean it's low in calories, but this is one of the few baked goods I've made that actually keeps me full for hours. I can eat two of these in the morning with a little fruit on top and be good to go.

I know some bakers are really good at making Paleo recipes that taste astounding and have a normal texture. These scones, well, they had to grow on me. But once they did, I couldn't get enough. Nonetheless, I have to give you the caveat that they're really good for a Paleo baked good.

Now. On to the recipe. Yum!

Blueberry Orange Scones

3/4 cup almond meal
1/4 cup coconut flour
1 Tbs ground flax seed (optional)
1/4 cup orange juice
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp apple cider vinagar
1 egg
1 Tbs butter or coconut oil (optional)
1/2 cup blueberries

In a medium bowl, combine almond flour, coconut flour, flax, and baking soda. In a large bowl combine eggs, orange juice, butter, and vinegar. Stir dry ingredients into wet, mixing until combined

Scoop about ¼ cup of batter at a time onto a prepared baking sheet. (This makes 6 scones). Bake at 350° for 15 minutes, until slightly browned around the edges. Let cool in the pan for 20-30 minutes and enjoy!

I can't wait to try a pumpkin spice version next... Happy October!